|KidVegeta's Review Archive|
(click the link above to see all my previous reviews, up to this point)
"YOU HATE EVRYTHING YOUR LIKE A TROLL"
"I don't know why you bother. Nothing's ever good enough for you."
These reviews are just my opinions. I do not claim to be better or worse than anyone else here. But that's not to say I won't be critical. That I won't be unforgiving. That I won't go out of my way to list 100 cons for your story in a heartbeat. I will, and gladly. Remember gents; I didn't give you an E-. You gave yourself an E- when you decided to sit down and post your atrocity for all of us to see. I'm simply here to call you out on it. So grab ahold of your mommies gents, this is gonna be one long ride.
S (highest) - Exceptional/perfect
A - Great/good
B - Average
C - Below average
D - Poor
E (lowest) - Bad/horrible
Comedy Story Ratings:
O + (highest)
R - (lowest)
Auxiliary Pages (Blogs/User Pages/etc)
Rated from: 0.1 - 10.0
What I Like/Dislike in Fan Fiction
- I do not like fanon Super Saiyan levels. I'm not saying it can't be done well, but not a single person has ever created a good fanon transformation yet. Many have a hard enough to time writing with the forms that do exist. Which isn't really meant as a blame to anyone, as Goku's SS1 and Gohan's SS2 (and really ss1 too, for him) were poorly written by Toriyama. So it's hard to write something better than what the grand master has created; I get that. So don't attempt it, please, if you aren't good enough. While Super Saiyan 5 in theory could work, you would have to be writing at a near-perfect level, and I don't think many people have that ability.
- Your story must be well-written. Poor grammar and spelling, no matter how good the rest of it is, is simply unacceptable. We live in a society. You are educated, and you are expected to be able to function and express yourself coherently.
- Character development is a must. I don't care about Stus and random Saiyans coming to Earth out of nowhere. And that happens in nearly every fic. Don't. Do. It. It's bad writing, and it's unoriginal. And it's a great way to make your story unmemorable.
- I find Dragon Ball GT, AF, Multiverse, and Episode of Bardock (and many more!) to be utter garbage. If you are 'inspired' by those, there is not going to be much hope for you in my reviews. Being how low-quality all of them are, it would take a masterful writer to create something better... and if you do like those types of things, I highly doubt you could surpass those you are inspired by.
- I prefer stories about Saiyans, PTO soldiers, or people on my Top 20 list. However, a well-written story can be about anyone. I just prefer those who I like more. A story I like called Tien: Origins (it's a really, really well-made fanon and you should definitely check it out) is about Tien and I actually do not like Tien at all. So, if anything is written well enough, it will receive the appropriate grade. Bias is a non-factor.
- I rate and review stories based on a higher level than simply fan-fiction. I expect stories to be of publishable quality. I expect stories to be perfect - and I hope that they are perfect. While this goal is ultimately unrealistic, there is no use in lowering standards, as that simply encourages people to continue being awful.
- I will rarely re-review. If you want me to review something, make sure the story is finished. Exceptions generally go out to reboots or to stories that have exceptionally long sagas.
- If you bitch about my review(s) of your article(s) and do not take my advice in the pros and cons into consideration, I likely will not review anything else of yours in the future. Reviewing takes a great deal of effort, as I have to read over your story/page multiple times and then write thoughts on nearly every part of it. This can take many hours for longer stories. I put for my fullest effort when reviewing any page, and I expect those who get reviews to also put their fullest effort into improving their page in the ways I describe within the reviews. Reviews are primarily a tool for me to try and help writers improve. So if you don't want to take my advice, then you won't improve, and you are simply wasting my time.
- Beautiful spelling and grammar.
- Terrible avatar.
- What the hell kind of a name is Redder?
- Redder's dialogue is hideous.
- There most certainly not be blood.
- Redder isn't an admin so he can't do anything. In fact, Redder doesn't even exist.
- There is no need to post in all caps.
- What the fuck is this, some random roleplay with yourself?
- Standing up and rolling his sleeve back? That is so stupid. He's a Saiyan. He's a warrior. He wouldn't act like a teenage motherfucking girl.
- Redder isn't real you fuckwit. You don't exist with him. You can't have a conversation with him.
- You wouldn't have the strength to hold him back. Stop overpowering yourself. That is a classic Zeon mistake.
- Discourage joining the wiki? Did you even open the page? SS11 said he would ban anyone who edited on the wiki.
- Redder with the anime angry face is one of the lamest things I have ever read.
- It doesn't change anything? Does Redder even think before he spouts out his nonsense? If no one joins the wiki then the wiki will have no impact.
- Again, no need for caps lock. You aren't even using an exclamation point. It's so pointless.
- Again, Redder has no admin rights so he can't punish SS11. He isn't a part of the community either, so he has no say in what will happen.
- What rule is SS11 breaking that would send Redder into hysteria? Because I sure don't see anything.
- An actual human being sat down at their computer, brought up this blog and wrote this. I want that to sink in. An actual human being wrote this. Not only did he write it, but then he went and posted it, deeming it to be of quality high enough to show other people. That is unbelievable to me.
- No Zeon response. What happened to fucking calming down your OC?
- This was posted 8 days ago from when I reviewed this. The blog was posted around 6 months ago. Suffice to say, Zeon's response is very late.
Final Thoughts: This makes me feel bad for Zeon. He shows signs of mental illness by thinking his OCs are real, living beings. He also lacks the ability to distinguish the real world from the anime world, and thinks he lives in both simultaneously. And that's quite pathetic. Worst of all, I think, is the fact that not only did he write this exchange, but he read it over and then posted it. That boggles my mind.
Final Rating: 0.1/10
- Good spelling and grammar throughout the page.
- Good use of templates and headers.
- Good job being in the RB DLC.
- Mostly good list of techniques, although the fanon ones could use pages.
- Good appearance section. It's very detailed, like any appearance section should be.
- "I thought I told you..... DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE TOUCH MY FRIENDS!" – this isn’t a bad quote, and I think it could take over his quote for the top of the page, as it’s better than the one there currently.
- His name is terrible. Raditz is already a pun on raddish - and it's a significantly better one than Redder. There are plenty of vegetables that are unused in the canon universe. Also being punned on red itself is nonsensical and not true to standard Saiyan etymons.
- His opening quote is incredibly poorly worded. It's awkward and lame to read. Nobody would truly say those words. Not to mention Jose is the most anticlimactic name for an enemy I’ve ever seen.
- Redder's picture doesn't look Saiyan-like whatsoever.
- Redder's picture doesn't have a tail. And don't say that it could be hidden, because there is no bulge around his waist. And if it was cut off, then that needs to be explained (how/why/etc).
- Redder's origin is the most lazy thing I have ever seen amongst the myriad of fanon Saiyans on this site. He just wakes up and he's on Earth. No explanation as to how, why, or even at what age this occurred. We don’t even know how old he is, either. This is incredibly poor writing.
- There is no reason to change his manga name to an even inferior name.
- No year of birth. How can he know what day he was born on, but not the year?
- The height in his appearance is in confliction with his height in the infobox.
- No explanation for why Redder does not have the standard Saiyan-like qualities. Simply stating he doesn't remember anything is not good enough.
- Being a Saiyan, how does he have the mind and body to be naturally good at chess? That is nonsense.
- Again, he's basically an anti-Saiyan, personality-wise. There needs to be a reason as to why. I have a feeling that this character is just based off the author, or a character the author likes, and was made a Saiyan for no other reason than to get the transformations. He doesn't act nor look like a Saiyan, so I don't see another explanation.
- "While Redder can sustain amazing amounts of damage from opponents he wishes to harm with all his heart, against friends he can take much less damage before reaching his limit, as well as being unable to activate his various Super Saiyan forms, as shown when he could not lay a single finger on a mind-controlled Sid." - That is unreadable.
- Redder doesn't have any actual faults in personality. The author could work on adding some faults to make him more believable and less overpowered/stale.
- The techniques section for non-combative was taken from Ledas' page. I had to remove the move Dire Howl from Redder's page because that is a fanon move that Zeon1 didn't catch.
- No explanation for how Redder knows multiple canon moves of other Z-fighters.
- Just occurred to me, but if he doesn't remember anything, how does Redder remember his name? It's not explained on the page.
- "God's Blast Zakera" is a nonsense name.
- "However, Redder cannot maintain the neccessary Ki to use this technique for more than a day, and as such, the Full Power Super Saiyan form is impossible for him to achieve, although he activated it for a breif moment against Jose in their first round, before collapsing from the lack of Ki required to sustain that amount of power." - this is nonsensical for several reasons. For one, FPSS is the most energy-conservative Super Saiyan form there is. It's not even really a form in that it doesn't require more ki than normal Super Saiyan. It's just mastery of the Super Saiyan 1 form. Not having the ki to maintain FPSS means he wouldn't have the ki for SS1 in general. Once someone can use FPSS, it takes significantly less ki to maintain than any other Super Saiyan form.
- Also, since Redder can go Super Saiyan 2 and Super Saiyan God, the ki needed to maintain Super Saiyan 1 would be much less. This just appears to be an attempt to balance the character by giving him a fault, but it doesn't work, since it's in confliction with how the DBZ universe works.
- The major quotes section is completely unneeded. Work on filling out the history section first. I think there is only one quote in all six that should even stay, and it should probably take over as the top quote, as it's better worded than his main quote currently.
- "Some people say I might be hyperactive. I disagree with that statement; I AM hyperactive." - how old is he? Judging by his picture, he's in his teens. That would be completely unrealistic for him to say.
- "OMG CAKE!" - first of all, you are abbreviated "oh my god", which shows a severe lack of professionalism. Secondly, this doesn't seem Saiyan-like at all.
- "My greatest weakness is that I care too much." - that is such a douchey quote. I suggest removing it.
- "I'm gonna be the best... like no one ever was." - This reference is terrible because, along with the other quotes, it's just reinforcing his extremely cocky attitude about himself. He's not an enjoyable character at all. I can’t connect to him, as a reader. He (or the author) just loves himself too much.
- "There is nothing in this universe that isn't precious to me!" - Really now? So he finds the shit of Jose to be precious. He finds piss fetishes precious. He finds furries precious. He finds gay porn precious. He finds murders to be precious. And I can keep naming things all night. What the fuck is wrong with Redder? Terrible quote.
Final Thoughts: Redder is, quite simply, a human who's a Saiyan solely for the transformations. He has literally no reason to be a Saiyan. He doesn't have a Saiyan personality. His method of getting to Earth is unexplained and, quite frankly, needs to be removed. His age isn't even known, and there is no mention of his tail anywhere. His personality is probably one of his more suspect areas, as Redder seems to be quite the hyperactive kid - and though I can't say what his age is, his picture makes him look like he's too old to act like that. He doesn't have any faults that are actual faults. His two, with not being able to go SS against friends and not being able to go FPSS because of the energy it would take, have both been disproven by me in the cons above. Neither holds any merit because neither is legitimate. I think Redder could use more faults, a more serious personality, and more connection with his actual race. As of now, he's just a human who can go Super Saiyan.
Final Rating: E
- I like how this one is about Zarbon and his girlfriend, thus making the name of the story relevant. This was also something I appreciated in One with Yamcha's isolation (hopefully it will continue).
- The spelling and grammar is very good. I'd give it around a 9/10.
- I like the isolation of Zarbon in the beginning. He's quiet amongst a sea of noise, which seems to symbolize (intentionally or not) his separation from his race as a whole.
- Despite me not liking the fine drink being imported from Yardrat, I like that Zarbon likes it (where most of his race doesn't). There's elitism and elegance in that, that is very in-line with his canon character.
- I love that Zarbon's girlfriend is a golddigger. Also, fuck her. The genius of her character is that she is "morally" right, but she's such a detestable person that she isn't a sympathetic character. When Zarbon kills her, I'm on Zarbon's side, which is a bit of marvelous writing.
- I enjoy the little tidbit about Zarbon not paying for his fine nectar.
- Zarbon's transformation was logical, within the confines of the story.
- The description of the girlfriend's death was my favorite part of the story.
- I like the fact that Zarbon doesn't regret that he kills his girlfriend, but more that she didn't want to go with him and that he had to use his ugly form.
- I like that Zarbon doesn't achieve mental victory throughout the story. He's lost at the end, despite physically mauling his girlfriend. I like that it ended there because it barely allows the reader time to absorb what he did before it's all over. So leaving Zarbon in a state of limbo and uncertainty was an excellent idea.
- I don't like how Zarbon's planet is basically a recolored Earth. I think they could have different customs and whatnot. Having candles and human-like restaurants just doesn't seem right to me.
- "The woman looked up at him, eyes bright.
“For what? You're already the captain here.” - There shouldn't be paragraph separation here.
- The connection with Yardrat is rather forced. Considering Yardrat wasn't part of the Planet Trade Organization, I don't think they would trade with a planet within that Organization for fear of being punished as much as being noticed by leaders, and thus getting absorbed into the empire, themselves.
- How would his girlfriend know about Frieza? Since Frieza is so powerful, he should have already annexed Zarbon's planet for anyone to know about him. But he hasn't. So this part doesn’t make sense.
- I don't really like that Zarbon has a girlfriend. I prefer him either not having any mate, or being with another male.
- Zarbon was always a very elegant man. I believe that a video game mentioned that he was a Prince as well (of course, you don't have to use video games as canon). You can remove that, but the fact remains that Frieza usually only took the most powerful member from each planet he would otherwise destroy (Zarbon being the member of his planet, Prince Vegeta being the member of his, Dodoria being the member of his, etc). Zarbon being royalty would make this seem more logical. As a simple man in a restaurant arguing with his girlfriend, I don't get the impression that he is anyone special. He’s mentioned in passing to be a captain – but the meaning behind this is never divulged. Captain of what, exactly? Why would this make him Frieza’s go-to man anyway?
- When Zarbon talks with his girlfriend, I don't feel like I'm reading about Zarbon. It doesn't sound like him. I don't like any of the dialogue.
- I don't think Zarbon should have sworn.
- I don't get why Zarbon is so angry at his girlfriend for asking him about his job when he was the one who brought it up in the first place.
- "“Zarbon, what the hell?” the woman shrieked, beginning to run away from him." - that is a very "human" piece of dialogue. I don't think someone on another planet would say something like that.
- Again, there's no explanation for why Frieza took Zarbon as a soldier and decided to kill everyone else. This requires explanation in the text. Zarbon just talks about it as if it makes sense just in general, which it does not.
- Zarbon snarled. “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? I know better than to disobey Frieza.” His tone lightened. “But – I've got good news!..." needs to be re-written slightly. There should be a comma after "disobey Frieza" and "His" should not be capitalized.
- "These two sentences unleashed a myriad of emotions from Zarbon, as he finally rose to a tipping point." reads less awkwardly without the comma before "as".
- I think it's weird that his girlfriend never got the chance to respond to Zarbon's rant. It would have worked better if she had been given one last response.
- Why would Zarbon throw his girlfriend's corpse into the open road where other people could see it? That seems needless and careless to the extent that it's unnecessary. Adding the fact that no one does notice it makes that description rather pointless.
- I feel like there was a missed opportunity with Zarbon's transformation. You could have talked about how ugly it made him, how much he reviled becoming like that. You mention it a bit, but I think it could have taken up a larger thematic focus of the story.
Final Thoughts: I think that with this story, the main problem I had was that it didn't feel like it was about Zarbon. Much of the dialogue he had with his girlfriend wasn't anything he would ever say. Some of the aspects of the story were also unimpressive - mainly the setting and the fact that Zarbon had been "chosen" by Frieza rather randomly. The plot and writing was technically impressive, however. There were only a few awkward sentences and grammar slipups, but that was still the strongest part of the story. I liked Zarbon's transformation. That one of the few moments that he seemed in character. That moment was slightly mishandled, as I wished that more time was spent on the description of what he looked like in that form and how it made him feel having to transform (as opposed to spending paragraphs on describing the restaurant in the beginning, which was a waste of words for the 1222). The biggest flaw of this story is that it doesn't really seem like a scenario that Zarbon would ever be in, both because the scenery and setup seems unrealistic and he isn't in character for much of the story. While I appreciate the other aspects of the plot, I don't think this was a very successful portrayal of Zarbon. It would have worked better, perhaps, with a different character. Maybe Burter, Ginyu, or even Cui. As it stands, I think that this is one of the weakest (serious) stories in Destructivedisk’s repertoire.
Final Rating: C-
- It's very good how Mr. Satan feels helpless when thinking about the Cell Games. More so than any other character, he wears a public disguise, and it's cool to see him in private, distressing over his all too real powerlessness.
- The part about Mr. Satan wanting to grow old to forget his memories is fantastic.
- I like how Mr. Satan laments about training and training and training and not getting anywhere. I mean, when you look at him, he's a great martial artist, for a human. But he can't really feel proud, because there are so many inhuman guys on Earth. So he has unreal expectations, which is another interesting personality point.
- It's true that Mr. Satan always knew that he was weaker than the Z Fighters. But the fact that you have him use that knowledge to have him convince himself that he needs to maintain his public image is noteworthy and cool. Mr. Satan's character is pitiful. He is weak, compared to the Z Fighters, but he is desperate to maintain his image, to maintain relevance. And that is something that everyone wants in life. Despite him being a champion, a rich man, and a celebrity, he can lose it all in an instant and be forgotten by all. So I think it's awesome that this was brought up.
- I love that Mr. Satan has a moment of weakness and slips back to drinking alcohol. This is very well-written.
- It's interesting how Mr. Satan doesn't have anyone in his house. I guess he has no true friends - just those who want to leech off his fame and fortune. Again, this is exceptionally written.
- The punching bag, to me, represents Mr. Satan's life before he know about the Z Fighters, before he guessed he wasn't the strongest in the world. So when he goes in to view it, it's almost like he's looking back on his life and seeing how far he's come. So when it’s torn and broken, that symbolizes how he’s become. I really like this scene.
- Mr. Satan being unable to tear the punching bag just epitomizes his ineffectiveness, which is great.
- The writing is very good. It isn't overly elegant - which suits Mr. Satan's perspective - but it also isn't awkward in most places. The words run smoothly, and I didn't reach many parts where the pace became choppy.
- Good use of Olibu. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but this is actually one of the most ingenious pieces of writing I have ever found. First off, it shows Mr. Satan's personality. The fact that he would buy that coffee over others speaks volumes. Additionally, the fact that a heroic figure is needed for an item to be sold brings the narrative back to the theme introduced near the beginning of the story: that of the necessity to maintain fame and never be forgotten. As Mr. Satan struggles with that, here he goes, taking from the Olibu Coffee, not even realizing what he's doing.
- "Like a choir boy, his voice was clear and sharp, chiming in like a cherub." - There shouldn't be two comparisons within the same sentence.
- Mark’s friend chuckled, more than a note of condescension in his voice.
“You need something to chase it with?” - they should both be on the same line.
- I think that Mr. Satan’s age at the beginning should have been revealed. It would have strengthened the plot the younger he was.
- "No bad dream fucker was going to boss him around." I don't feel like this Elliott Smith reference really captures Satan's personality.
- I think you use the name Mr. Satan too much. Hercule or even Mark could be a substitute every now and then.
- "heroic hero" is bland writing. There are so many better adjectives that could have been used there.
- Getting to the end of the story, I expected something more to come from the earlier flashback. Maybe he sees the old friend, someone calls him Mark, etc. I think this was a missed opportunity. I understand the flashback had implications simply with the alcohol, but it could have had more relevance if there was something added to the end.
Final Thoughts: Three is a great story. It is character-driven, and there are numerous themes presented. Using Mr. Satan was also a good idea, as Destructivedisk is easily able to keep him in character while at the same time expanding his character. As I mentioned above, Mr. Satan is such a cool character because he wears a public disguise. There is much room to explore his inner thoughts on vanity and fame. And Destructivedisk executed all of this very well. I think this story was helped by the fact that most of the dialogue was inside Mr. Satan's head. The pace flowed very smoothly because of this. Him lamenting about the Cell Games and about Videl not being around puts this probably post-Buu (or just before). Like in One, the timeline isn't exactly revealed, but I think it works more here. Perhaps my favorite part of this story is the fact that Mr. Satan is alone to begin with. He's a rich, power celebrity. And yet there's no one there for him when he needs it most. Sure, he turns to alcohol and later coffee, but he has no emotional connections with human beings. He can't even tell anyone about his inner turmoil about not being the strongest anymore. And Destructivedisk captured all of this beautifully. While I have a few cons, they are all pretty minor. I think this is one of the best stories on the site, not to mention one of Destructivedisk's finest works.
Final Rating: S
- The descriptions of the birds in the opening paragraphs are quite good. Their erratic energy is really captured well in the text.
- The scene with Tao and the man in the room are well done. I particularly liked the stuff about the man being faceless in his chair. It was really great imagery.
- The dialogue of Tao and the man in the room is pretty good. I can imagine Tao saying what was written there.
- "Of all the times he had come to this dark house, never once had he come for the conversation." is a great line.
- I'm getting a real Cowboy Bebop vibe with this story. The Red Dragon gang and Tao's use of heroin remind me particularly of the first episode.
- Tao's scaling of the building was a really great nod to his scaling of Korin Tower.
- Tao hating smoke but loving cocaine is a great bit of hypocrisy in his character. Overall, Tao's characterization is well done, but this is one of my favorite bits of it in this story.
- It was good to reintroduce the birds as soon as Tao left the building. The fact that they influence his choice of movement is also significant in that it really shows their influence on him, even if he's stated before that he doesn't care about any birds.
- I thought it was funny how Tao didn't know anyone who could teach him how to fly, even though his own brother clearly knew how to teach the technique. That was a nice, subtle reference.
- Loved the bit about Tao looking into the man's eyes and soaking in the fear. Really great in-character moment. Tao is a terrifying villain because of moments like this.
- The scene of Tao killing the man was well written and interesting. All of the moves Tao did seemed natural. I had a clear mental image of it the entire time while reading. Especially when he slapped the man into the side of the building, that seemed like a moment straight out of Tao's appearances in Dragon Ball. Great stuff.
- I enjoyed the theme with the birds and Tao throughout the story. It kind of died at the end of the story a bit without including any actual birds, but it was still present. His erratic nature, always shooting this way and that draws great parallels with bird behavior. In a way, especially because Tao can't fly, he seems to be lost. Even though he's a successful assassin and loves killing, he lacks conviction and a greater purpose, and his aimless running around illustrates that well.
- The paragraphs in the opening of the story are too short for my taste. The second and third paragraph were each only a sentence long. The second paragraph should have been part of the first. The third one works better as a standalone sentence, but it's weakened by the formatting of second paragraph just before it. This occurs throughout the story, and there's really no need for it, quite honestly. Most of the short/one sentence paragraphs could be combined with the paragraph above them. It would create better flow.
- Because bluejays are the birds being used, talons aren't really appropriate descriptors for them. Talons are for larger birds.
- A personal gripe, but I think there was a missed opportunity with using bluejays. Using a crane would have been so much more powerful, both thematically and narratively, especially since cranes wouldn't be particularly common in cities (thus, connecting them with Tao's uniqueness). Overall, I was disappointed by this not being in the story, as it seemed like a natural step to take.
- If Tao is not concerned with nature, he shouldn't have put the birdseed down. It didn't seem hypocritical of him, it just read as poorly thought out. That paragraph should be re-worked. Perhaps "he could scarce think of birds in his line of work", or something like that. But saying that he didn't care about birds and then feeds them isn't good writing. It uses the word "concern" three times in a very short wordspan, which makes for tedious and boring reading. I also think that why humans were his concern should be mentioned (even if in passing) in this paragraph, as its unclear and rather pointless in its current form.
- "He walked away and into the vast city center, walking along the sidewalk." - again, repetition of the same word here (walk) does not make for good writing. There are plenty of synonyms for walk which could have been used to spice up the sentence.
- "Tao nodded. He gave no indication that he had accepted the compliment, and instead sat there, waiting." - the nod is acknowledgement in and of itself. The second sentence should be removed.
- “I’ll make it an extra bloody one, then. I will teach them not to come here.” is not a very strong line of dialogue. The second sentence is quite awkward, both to read and speak, and it comes out as a lame attempt at being badass. That second sentence could either be reworked or just left out. It's not even needed, in truth.
- When Tao's man says that the target gets coffee every afternoon, I just couldn't believe it. It doesn't seem realistic or accurate whatsoever. Tao and him have obviously been working together quite a bit, so obviously Tao finds him to be a professional contractor. He wouldn't give Tao such a wide window as the entire afternoon. It should be more precise. Tao doesn't strike me as the patient type, so he wouldn't just sit around all day waiting.
- "Tao stood up, not bothering to acknowledge his acceptance of these terms. He began to turn away, toward the door, but then he turned around and refaced the man. He pulled the small baggie out of his pocket, and said to the man, “I am going to use this now.” Tao retook his seat and spilled the cocaine out on the table into five neat, although small, lines. With great haste, he used a small cylinder he found on the table to snort the lines. He stood back up, and, at last, exited the door." - I find this paragraph rather awkward. It would be more in character for Tao to either nod or not acknowledge the man and then do the cocaine. The declaration is not needed and is awkward. Inner dialogue would suffice there.
- The stuff about Tao needing a master to train him how to fly doesn't seem particularly right to me. He has a lot of arrogance, so if he wanted to fly, I doubt he'd go to a master for it. Likely, he'd just try to learn himself or read a book on it. Since he knows about flight, thoug he doesn't know about who could teach it, I figured he knew about it from a book.
- Tao didn't attend the Crane School. His brother founded it and he and Shen both taught at it.
- "He figured that it was not quite bloody enough yet, and that much more would have to be done. Tao grabbed him around the neck and started to choke him." - these two sentences are basically unrelated. Choking someone won't make them more bloody. The first sentence should be followed by some more physical abuse that would actually result in bloodletting.
- Missed opportunity with not having the birds at the end of the story. The theme introduced with them goes nowhere at the end of the story, which is not very good.
Final Thoughts: Overall, Four is a very good story. It's one of the stronger ones in That Magic Feeling. The scene with Tao assassinating the man was one of the more vivid and memorable scenes of the entire collection. The use of a recurring theme throughout the story was all mostly well done, though the lack of a reference to the crane bird was a missed opportunity, in my opinion. This story has several minor problems with it, such as occasional poor word choice, awkward dialogue, awkward sentence structure, and needlessly short paragraphs. While I had problems with all of those, Tao's characterization outshined them all. In the successful TMF stories, it's primarily the characterization and in-universeness of the main character that will make or break the story. Tao was completely in character, and the added characterization with the bird-like nature and with the 'I hate smoking, but cocaine is the shit' was really well done. Those worked to expand on Tao's character in a way that still made it seem like I reading about the great assassin.
Final Rating: A
- The first section was a good retelling of the famous scene from Dragon Ball Z. The fight scene was described well and Nail's desperation was accurately portrayed.
- Good explanation for why each tribe kept a Dragon Ball.
- I like how all of the Appule aliens look the same to Nail, showing his speciesism. It's also ironic, considering how Namekians look so similar.
- Despite never giving a reason as to why it's significant to Nail, the relationship he has with Guru is powerful and is the most meaningful characterization he gets in the story.
- The parallel between the Frieza/Nail fight and the Nail/aliens fight is pretty good. I especially like how Nail acts so arrogantly before the aliens and is then completely humbled by Frieza.
- Showing the ground becoming barren in both fights is also a good visual moment. It just shows how wars and battles totally ruin nature and the true beauty of the world.
- The last line with Nail conquering Frieza (even though he did not do so in combat) was a really great moment. Nail is primarily an honorable individual, but showing that he tricked Frieza to win is a great evolution of his character.
- "Every part of him wanted to capitulate then by giving Frieza the password and concluding the fiasco. But Nail adhered to a higher order than his own personal desires - he had to protect Guru before himself." - If every part of Nail wanted to tell Frieza, he would have. Clearly, Nail's mind and his sense of honor are preventing him, so not every part of him is wanting to tell Frieza.
- I don't feel like 'decimate' was a suitable descriptor for what Nail's attack did to the grass. Perhaps vaporized or burnt, etc. Grass can't really be decimated.
- I would have liked more of Nail's thoughts in the first section. Since that section is a retelling of a canon scene, Nail's personal thoughts and whatnot are what make it unique. I didn't get enough of that.
- I find it odd that Nail never questioned how all these alien groups knew about the Dragon Balls.
- "There was no legitimate potential of threat from these enemies." is just a very poorly worded sentence.
- When the aliens asked for Nail to give them the Dragon Ball, he seemed slightly out of character. He should have told them to turn around and leave the planet, and nothing bad would happen to them.
- "They all unleashed their guns upon Nail, barraging him with a series of successive yellow blasts that pelted him consecutively." is an awkward sentence. The last part in particular isn't needed. At best, it should be in a separate sentence.
- "Nail had taken on a fighting stance, and was prepared to attack." - the comma is unnecessary.
- Nail brought up the aliens leaving far too late. Why didn't he ask them to leave before? Killing most of them and then saying how all he wants is for them to leave is just nonsense.
- I think the middle section was too long. It didn't need to be described in so much detail and for so long because much of it is purely irrelevant to characterization or plot. I would have liked more of the allotted 1555 words to be spent Nail reflecting on the burden of his position, perhaps even with needing to kill people (which is not desirable) in order to protect Guru. Because of this, I think this story is the one that is most hurt by its word limit.
- A scene with Guru after Nail defeated the aliens would have been desirable. If some of the fat of the previous paragraphs had been cut, this would have been possible and it would have allowed for Nail's relationship with Guru to be more pronounced, and thus more impactful to the readers.
- The plot with Dende should have been either mentioned or alluded to in the beginning. Saying he was stalling or even just something in his inner voice like "Just a few more seconds..." would have properly set this up.
Final Thoughts: On the positives, the fight with Frieza is accurately and interestingly portrayed. The flashback had a few good moments, in that it showed Nail's fighting abilities and his arrogance, giving him a few interesting personality quirks. The parallels of the two fights accurately showed how perilous battle can be and how a hero can easily be turned into a ragdoll against a superior opponent. For the negatives, this story really relied too heavily on the source material. Nail's relationship with Guru isn't really explained, it's just implied that we know and accept it from Dragon Ball Z. It's a missed opportunity, really. Nail didn't have too many inner thoughts which could have made the story richer and his relationship with Guru better explained. I know it's not really explained in the anime/manga aside from Nail just being his guard, but here, in a story where we can see Nail's thoughts, it absolutely should have been on his mind. Additionally, the thing with Dende at the end wasn't foreshadowed or brought up before it was introduced, so it felt very tacked on. Yes, it happened in the show, but again, the show showed scenes of Dende before this so it was foreshadowed there. Nail should have thought about it in the first section. Additionally, the middle section was rather longer than it should have been. The battle did not need to be as long as it was. Considering there as a 1555 word limit to this story, a lot of that section felt like filler. It would have worked better had Nail returned to Guru at the end of the section to give a better idea of his relationship with Guru. Overall, Nail doesn't have enough of an inner voice in this story to be very interesting. His relationship with Guru and his plan to buy Dende time could have been explained better with his own inner voice (thus allowing for him to be characterized). Overall, I found Nail to be very boring in this story.
Final Rating: B-
- Piccolo staying at the river to drink from it even though he knows it is dirty is a fine portrayal of his personality. He's always struggled with being stuck in his ways and not being a Namekian of change, so him staying at the river is consistent with his personality. Of course, he does leave, but he only does so when the water starts becoming a real problem, which was also consistent with his personality. Good job.
- The description of the town and the factory and the pollution was superb.
- Piccolo's spirituality is well-portrayed in this story. He has a oneness with nature (particularly the river), and he is isolated from society. This is particularly seen when he enters the city, and I think, most importantly, it shows why he even cares about the river to begin with. He has a connection with the river that he doesn't have with people, because the river provides him with sustenance, and the people only provide him with feelings of loneliness. But he's not weak about it. He just accepts his state and does what he can for the river. Again, this is well-written.
- Piccolo's entrance into the city was well-written. I was reminded of Imperfect Cell wandering through cities in his introduction. There was a lot of anxiety and fear in the air. Really good stuff.
- The taskmaster is an interesting character. He's really an archetype, but that's okay in this scenario.
- Referencing Shapeshifters was nice. It's great to see the human perspective on what Piccolo could possibly be. Although I suppose it is a moniker that Piccolo would be offended by. Really intelligent in-universe thinking with this bit.
- The dialogue in this first section is really well done. The taskmaster's lines in particular are lovely.
- The Piccolo cigar scene really reminded me of the opening of Terminator 2.
- The repetition of Piccolo's physical and mental isolation in the second section is nice. I'm glad that this theme has continued throughout the entire story, as it's one of the more interesting aspects of Piccolo's character.
- The consumerism theme is an interesting one. In the first section, it's the greed and desperate craving for power that forces the humans to create a factory to produce things and get rich and pollute the river. In the second one, the Chief has all these gems and other riches, and yet he's just a terrible, weak, fearful person living in excess. The lack of satisfaction these items give the humans is an interesting portrayal and stands in stark contrast to Piccolo's minimalism and his ability to find happiness and peace sheerly through meditation. It's interesting that everyone fears Piccolo and thinks of him as a monster, when truly, he's the only one who isn't a monster.
- The last sentence exemplifies this subtlety of Piccolo's emotional state throughout this story and I really enjoyed it.
- First two paragraphs would be better as one.
- "Piccolo, ever the brilliant man, deduced that this was the origin of the pollution, and he resolved to put a stop to it." - would prefer that he is described as a Namekian, not a man.
- The part about naming the place a town or a city really wasn't needed. It was useless filler. Just call it a city from the get-go and write on about more important things. That entire paragraph could be removed and it wouldn't make the story any worse. Whenever that is the case, it's usually best to trim the fat, so to speak.
- "After a moment or two of searching, Piccolo came across the processing section of the factory. He noted that it was still pre-industrial - the factory was devoid of the capsules and advanced technology that marked the remainder of the world." - I'm not satisfied with the use of "marked" here. Something like denoted, described, defined, etc, would be a better descriptor.
- Why would a single machine be making all of the pollutants? Before, it was described as an entire factory producing the smoke.
- No "slaves" or such are properly shown, so the taskmaster's purpose isn't really made clear. While he's a good character, the taskmaster's role and inclusion is highly diminished by a lack of underlings. Sure, they are mentioned in passing after Piccolo destroys much of the place, but it doesn't have any impact that way.
- Overall, I feel like the machine that Piccolo finds was just a plot device to allow Piccolo to easily deal with the pollution without having to see the leader of the factory of destroy the entire thing (and kill the innocent workers inside). It doesn't work well. The part with him right after going through the factory and destroying all of the machines works slightly better, but it's so rushed in description, that the factory's setup isn't made clear. Overall, exactly where Piccolo was (for it doesn't seem like a true factor) and what he was destroying could have been described better.
- The descriptions the chief's tent and the individuals inside don't do anything for me. They aren't very accurate to Native American scenery (or similar native peoples').
- The bullets should not have pierced Piccolo. At best, they should have bounced off of him.
- Why would the Chief be guarded by only one man? Additionally, why would there be no other guards? It doesn't make sense. Piccolo entered through a gate, but there was no one guarding the gate.
- Piccolo's dialogue to the Chief isn't really good. Since he destroyed the factory, he should have also mentioned how he fixed the problem. Overall, there was buildup to Piccolo's line and it completely fell flat for me.
Final Thoughts: This story is interesting. I first read it as soon as Destructivedisk released it, and I did not like it much. Honestly, I would have given it around a D rank from my first read through. However, reading it again for this review, I found myself enjoying the story more the second time. The taskmaster was something I liked in times I read Six, and I think he's one of the better portrayed minor characters in all of That Magic Feeling. Piccolo's scene with that man in particular was the highlight of the story. The theme of emotional and physical isolation from humankind is well-portrayed as well. I find it interesting that Piccolo's only friend, Gohan, isn't mentioned once during this. Piccolo doesn't really have inner monologue or many thoughts throughout the story, and I think that worked here, where it would not have worked in most stories. Piccolo is such a quiet person, and he's not usually too emotional, so it did suit his character. Everything was really subtle and implied in terms of what he was feeling and what he was going through. Of course, he couldn't be hurt by the humans physically, but they could hurt him in other ways - which they did do in this story. It was great seeing his reactions to those. Additionally, the theme of the greed and destruction mankind produces (via consumerism) was consistent throughout both sections, so that was skillfully done. On the negative side, certain bits of the writing itself were clunky. The debate on whether the place was a city or a town was unneeded. And Piccolo's destroying of the factory was very rushed. The words in the town v city debate should have been used in the section where he destroyed the factory, for the single machine that he destroyed just felt tacked on and unsatisfying in its current form. The second section didn't work as well as the first, and the tent scene with the Chief and his riches and his one bodyguard was bizare and inaccurate to any society on Earth. Overall, this story had its ups and its downs, but Piccolo's portrayal was strong and accurate, so this story is one of the better ones in That Magic Feeling.
Final Rating: A-
- “Do you need to eat that much?” he said back to her. - This is a great line of dialogue. I mean, it's a bit bizarre if you don't know that Kushami and Launch are the same person, but it's great foreshadowing. Since Launch has already eaten, of course, she shouldn't be having even more ice cream. Great moment.
- I really like Kushami's reflection on leaving her father and her sister. I particularly like the part about her leaving her sister. In a subtle, almost unconscious way, it's Launch lamenting how weak and passive she is in her normal form.
- The bit about Kushami knowing that her father only looked at Launch is cool too, because it shows that Launch retains memories of her passive form in her Kushami form. The other interesting bit is that Kushami doesn't connect that she is both of the girls. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism because of all she is forced to do with her father.
- I really like the references to spices throughout the story. It's subtle, but it's important. When Launch's father comes home the first time, he smells of spices, perhaps triggering her sneeze-transformation that night. He also has pepper all over his hands during the last encounter, which is interesting. Her father is self-destructive in that regard. Surely, he knows that Launch transforms when she sneezes - and he hates her transformed state - but he does nothing to stop it. Great character development for him.
- I loved that Launch's mother looked like Launch's normal state and Kushami looked like her father. It explains quite well why he loved Launch and why he hated Kushami. It also shows how desperate her father was.
- The ending sex scene was probably the best one, because it really served the purpose of characterization more than the empty graphic nature of the first one. That Launch's father has to watch tapes of his old wife to help himself get sexual with his daughter is interesting. Launch is just in an emotionally isolated state throughout. It's really well written. I enjoyed the bit about the pepper again as well.
- Kushami having sex in the first section was just unenjoyable to read. It wasn't very meaningful or necessary, either. Sure, she's having sex with boys because she can't have sex with her father. I get it. She's messed up. But it doesn't seem like something Launch's transformed state would do. It's out of character. And it's not explained why she is doing it (as money is never mentioned, and she isn't enjoying it). Overall, this scene just seemed like an attempt to "shock" the reader with its graphic nature, but it really wasn't good from any perspective.
- The word manhood is severely overused.
- Kushami wouldn't vomit down the sink. She isn't completely stupid. She should have done so in the toilet.
- No explanation for why Launch transforms when she sneezes. It should have been hinted at if not outright stated.
- I feel like Launch's father was too brutal with Launch in the last scene. If he loved her, he should have been gentler. It didn't seem accurate or realistic to what a man like her father would do in that situation.
- The ending lacked some logic. Am I really supposed to believe that Launch hasn't brought up Kushami before? She's clearly at least a teenager and she thinks about Kushami all the time. She's never once mentioned it to her father? That isn't a believable ending.
- The number seven should have been put into the story somehow. Maybe she fucked seven boys in the beginning. Maybe she had seven bowls of ice cream. Maybe she's been with her father seven times. Something needs to reference it.
Final Thoughts: This is probably the most graphic story on the site as of me writing this review. Lots of sex and father/daughter incest take place, so I can see why a lot of people would hate it just for that. If those are your morals, then that's cool. But this story has rather good characterization of Launch and her father, even if certain scenes (the opening, the closing) don't work too well. I think the most interesting character is the father. Why he does what he does is only hinted at, and he seems to be self-destructive and careless in certain regards. The Launch/Kushami part was played up for the big reveal at the end, but it didn't work too well because Launch's father should have known about Kushami (Launch would have brought her up before). The actual sex scenes were decently portrayed. I'm not reading this to fap to it, and I'm not sure I could, since I don't think the portrayals were "sexy" enough, so to speak. The use of manhood was too frequent, and it was really animalistic in every scene. I think that, perhaps, her father would try to be more gentle with Launch. I just got the vibe, as I was reading, that her father had dearly loved her mother. And I think that if that could have been portrayed better, the sex scenes would work slightly better. Additionally, the lack of an explanation for why Launch transforms at all was the big lingering question throughout the story. It seems the author didn't want to tackle that issue because it was too complicated or hard or something, but it should have been part of the story. The Kushami inner monologue parts were really spectacular. When she was reminiscing about her father and Launch, it was really extraordinary. There was such a complicated, tragic mental anguish with her in that scene. This story was a great evolution for the character overall.
Final Rating: A-
- I really like the refrain of He tried... He failed. Great stuff. The changing of what he tried to do every time was a very good move and emblematic of high literary intelligence.
- I love Goku being called a little monster. The bias of the writing indicates that LAWOM is written in-universe. Though this isn't stated outright, it is implied in the text and is a really cool bit.
- I find it interesting that Gero had hope in the beginning. I think by his introduction in DBZ, most of that had left him.
- "A man had seen his home destroyed, because of one little monster." - great line about how Goku's destruction of the Red Ribbon Army directly affected Gero.
- Good job with calling Gero's androids his children. It really fleshes out Gero's character.
- The last line is really well-written. There's an automation that takes over Gero throughout this poem that helps illustrate the meaning of the last line. Gero keeps trying and because of his failure, he loses his humanity and becomes an emotionless machine. Again, this is something I really enjoyed.
- "A man had seen the closest thing to his family die" - this is awkward for two different reasons. "A man" doesn't sound right. It cheapens Gero's importance, so it should be "The man" or "He". I like "He" more, personally. "His family" should be "family", as it flows better that way.
- The use of "A man" throughout should be "He" or "The man". I'm listing this as a second con because it's said like 5 more times in the poem.
- "A man had seen the survivors die because of the harsh wildlife" - this line isn't worded very well, and I'm not sure what this is referring to anyway.
- I don't like the line about Gero trying to survive, as I believe it's stated in official material that Gero went out of his way to make himself into an android.
- I don't see how Goku caused Gero to turn himself into an android. Truly, it would be old age's fault.
- Well oiled should be well-oiled in the title and in the last line. It's a compound noun modifier, so a hyphen is grammatically required.
Final Thoughts: Like a Well Oiled Machine is a well-written poem. I'd say it's one of the better fanons on the entire site. Waffleminifigure is able to encapsulate Gero's mindset and his emotions in this short poem while cleverly expanding on them and explaining them. There were a few rough patches. The part about wildlife made no sense to me, and some parts are awkwardly worded. But I think, overall, this was a successful story. It entertained me and the pros far outweighed the cons. I'd say this is Waffle's most successful story.
Final Rating: A-
- Justice is misspelled in the title.
- The word update in the page title is unnecessary.
- Dragon Ball should be capitalized like so.
- Battle for Justice should be capitalized like so.
- Abysmal grammar and spelling. There's not capitalization at the start of sentences. The use of "im" instead of "I'm" is a prime example of terrible grammar and spelling all at once. The quality of the spelling and grammar is consistently bad throughout the story.
- (im not sure how many years because im not that good at math and evreybodys older) - this is really inappropriate within the text. Put a notice before you delve into the actual story. Going first person in the middle of the story like this is really unprofessional.
- Dende making new Dragon Balls is a bad plot point. I don't think he should do so at all - if anything, it should be a different Namekian. At worst, Dende should have a damn good reason to create new Dragon Balls.
- Rendragon is a garbage name for a Dragon.
- Rendragon's ability to grant 10 wishes is insane and ridiculously overpowered. Hell, even Shenron's ability to grant three near the end of Dragon Ball Z was heavily abusable. Ten is far beyond what should be allowed. This is a clear example of overpowering the fanon elements in this universe. The first fanon character is significantly stronger (by a margin of over 3x) than any other member of his species. It's unexplainable and very poor writing.
- How does Dende lock the wishes up in a vault? The blue-star Dragon Balls would need to be gathered first, which did not happen in the story.
- Why would they even need to save up the wishes? The cooldown period of these Dragon Balls is not specified, so I must believe there is none until the story states otherwise.
- Z Fighters, not Z Warriors.
- Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. lived many generations after the Z Fighters. I think it was at least 100 years. So people like Vegeta and Gohan would be dead.
- Piccolo died and is in hell.
- Pikkon isn't a Z Fighter and he was never with the Z Fighters aside from Goku (and Gogeta during the Janemba movie). Again, if you are making him a Z Fighter, it needs to be explained. Almost nothing is inherently bad. It's all about execution of the ideas.
- Updated Hyperbolic Time Chamber came out of nowhere and is a boring rehash of an old DBZ idea.
- What the fuck with Bardock Super Saiyan 4? That really came out of nowhere. First off, Bardock is dead. Even if you see the Episode of Bardock as canon, he would be dead (from old age). Next, Bardock never got Super Saiyan 4. He wasn't close to Super Saiyan in his special. In Episode of Bardock, sure he got Super Saiyan 1, but that is not the same as Super Saiyan 4. Really huge power creep with Bardock here, and it's not explained or built up in a good enough way.
- When Goku is meeting Bardock, he can't possibly be meeting the real Bardock. That contradicts how the Hyperbolic Time Chamber works. It's in a separate reality.
- So Bardock and Goku just randomly decide to drop everything and train together for several years? Doesn't seem right. Sure, Goku goes off and trains randomly, but he would have brought Bardock to Earth to train with the others.
- The alien designs were lazy. Golden Eagle humanoids are a horrible idea. Additionally, a Salamander leading a bunch of Eagles doesn't make sense. That was so random, too. The Salamander leader came out of nowhere, like most of this story.
- Iron armor is not very good. A leader should have better armor.
- What the fuck are the evil Dragon Balls? These have not been mentioned before? Suddenly, they can destroy Earth and release every person from Hell? That's really poor writing. They're just a really forced and rushed plot mechanic to create artificial tension and perhaps to actually give a reason to release the Hell villains.
- How can these random aliens confine Bardock and Goku if the two are Super Saiyan 4s? They would have to be insanely powerful, which is a stretch for such random enemies.
- The confinement cells are just a really lazy and bad plot point. It's not explained how they are indestructible or why Goku can't just instant transmission out.
- Yeah, of course Nappa and Broly can go Super Saiyan 4. Why the fuck not? Why should you have to explain anything?
- Dark Buu is a lame and cliché idea. Oh, he's dark and he's stronger. That'll make him better than he was in DBZ! Protip: you can't create a character better than Toriyama. There's a reason why he never had a Dark Buu.
- Goku and Bardock return to Earth out of nowhere. Their escape from the inescapable confinement places is not mentioned. I'm baffled at this point. It takes a tremendously low intelligence to write something like that.
- Mysterious, unnamed hell leader defeats everyone out of nowhere. Cool.
- Goku magically goes Super Saiyan 5 for no reason. This is one of the laziest Super Saiyan 5 transformations that I've ever read. It's also one of the worst.
- Where did the Hell villains learn about fusion dance? And why would they even do it? It'd be out of character for almost all of them, including all of the ones that were mentioned in the story.
- "i will talk about the other saga in update 2 but until then i will give a few things in saga 2 and 3" - this should not be in the story. At the very least, put it as a notice outside of the story. I don't wanna be all 'fuck yeah! ss5 goku vs mysterious leader and buu is absorbing everyone whoo look at that buuoly!" and then see that notice. It ruins the pacing of the story.
- "SAGA 2: first of all xicor will be in it"
- I don't get why people always have Janemba returning. He can't. Saike Demon isn't going to change back into Janemba, and there's no other way to get him. So it's just stupid.
- I'm sure everyone's been waiting for the return of Turles after that mondo cool fight with Dark Buu.
- In Saga 2, Broly will be good now, will he? So what you're saying is, fuck Broly's actual characterization. You're just going to change it. It's not Broly at that point. It's you riding the popularity of that character with an OC in disguise.
- "SAGA 3: first of all android 22 will be in it"
- No Android 21 sucks. I'd really like to know why 21 was skipped over.
- Xicor will be good now! It wasn't enough with Broly, you have to make arguably the worst thing to happen to the Dragon Ball franchise become a good character. Look, I hate Xicor enough as it is. He's a bad character who lessens the overall quality of the Dragon Ball fanon universes because of his influence on writers. But making him good is just asinine. Like Broly, it's a complete re-characterization. It's not an evolution, it's a departure of character development. It's an OC in an existing (fanon) character's body.
- That there will be SS6 is just terrible. SS5 wasn't built up in the first saga, so I can't expect any better for SS6. The thing with Super Saiyan forms is that you should not make new ones unless there's a really good reason for one. I have almost never seen a fanon Super Saiyan form well used. People just want the next cool level, and Super Saiyan forms also allow for quick power boosts, which are often found in terrible fanons like this one. In the notes for Saga 3, SS6 is tacked on as if to build hype. That's not cool whatsoever.
Final Thoughts: This is a rushed, poorly thought out fanon. Its plot is all over the place and highly cliche. The return of old villains + Super Saiyan 5 element are both commonly seen in terrible fanons. That's no exception here. The poor grammar and spelling is also a major hindrance to the story. There's no character development, original plot, or faithfulness to the actual universe. The characters, such as Goku and Bardock, are just empty shells, used to fight empty battles against empty villains for the entertainment of the writer. I would be floored if anyone actually read this fanon and found it enjoyable.
Final Rating: E-
- The narrator is boring and unneeded. He starts off by saying he's not in the story, but he's definitely in the story, since I'm reading about him in the story.
- "this is a story that has relations with a hero." is very poorly worded. It makes it seem as if the story itself is having sex with a hero.
- Poor use of commas throughout the story. An example would be "He was a brave Saiyan warrior, immeasurably powerful but most of all kind and pure of heart. It saddens me though, that he died about 200 years ago.". There should be a comma after powerful, and "though," only serves to make the sentence more awkward.
- Goku's name should be capitalized.
- "This keeps going on another, and until there are many people who have the blood of the legendary warrior running through their veins." is an awful sentence. "another, and until" in particular makes no sense. Get rid of "another, and".
- "They announced themselves about 70 years ago, and made an alliance with humans, and Namekians" - no comma is needed before the Namekians section.
- Who is this other warrior that is mentioned in passing? I know he's Vegeta, but he needs to be defined in the actual story. If you want to mention him, then actually do so.
- The humans caught up with who, exactly? They are superior to the Saiyans and Namekians in technological advances simply by default.
- There is no need to use a bunch of "..." when talking about Vegeta. It disrupts the flow and makes things more awkward to read.
- "Vegeta's" and "Son's" should be "Vegetas" and "Sons".
- "The Saiyans soon dispersed, into 9 clans, or families with the Vegeta's and Son's being famous." - there needs to be a comma after families.
- "Vegeta's for power, and Son's for weakness... Or that's what they think." - this sentence is a terrible fragment.
- 40 people who are Super Saiyans? Especially with such diluted Saiyan blood in them? That is horrifically bad. I don't care if something similar was done in Dragon Ball Online. It was garbage there, and it is garbage here. Not only is the transformation cheapened by this, but it's simply giving humans Super Saiyan. You're basically using the excuse that since they have a tiny bit of Saiyan blood in them, they can suddenly unlock 100% of all Saiyan powers and stuff, and that defies logic and good storytelling.
- 60,000 descendants in 200 years? That would require an insane amount of fucking.
- "The story will go on though." - useless line.
- "This story is a boy, who is related to the legendary hero Son Goku, and is... a descendant of Goku's second and youngest son, Son Goten." - the story is a boy, huh? You mean "about" a boy. The "..." is not needed.
- The narrator going through a black wall is pointless and stupid.
- The "New Age" isn't defined. You are suddenly using a new calender system that no one knows about and that's fine except for the fact that it's not explained at all. We need to know when this is and why you are using New Ages instead of regular Ages.
- The woman is supposedly gorgeous, but there's no description of her. This is lazy writing. I want to be shown, not told.
- I don't get why these extremely diluted Saiyans look like Saiyans and not humans. Trunks was half Saiyan and he did not look like a Saiyan at all. Considering these descendants of Goku and Vegeta have only a very small fraction of Saiyan blood in them, they should not look exactly like Saiyans.
- The descriptions of the man, woman, and their son in the hospital is very lazy overall. I mentioned the gorgeous bit earlier, but the entire section is like that.
- Again, you are defining these people as Saiyans. They are humans with likely less than 1% Saiyan blood.
- Son Rahn is not a good name.
- Goar is an even worse name. You have to be high and retarded to name your son that.
- The Vegeta's should be The Vegetas.
- Vegeta wasn't his last name, you chode. Goku only had his last name (Son) because he was adopted. Fucking hell, this story is garbage.
- How convenient that a Vegeta descendant and a Goku one are born on the same day. This plot is so uninspired.
- ""Oh... Well... Thank you, and you're welcome for telling us."" - the fact that he said "you're welcome" is laughable. It's nonsensical. What does the nurse have to thank Rahn for? The answer is nothing. I swear, this story is being written by a retarded person.
- "The father started to push his wife's wheelchair away when she said to him in a whisper" - there needs to be a colon at the end of that sentence.
- ""What is the coincidence?"" - this line of dialogue is horrible. Perhaps you mean to say "What a coincidence!", but Cho was listening when the nurse told them that the Vegetas were also having a child. She knows about the coincidence already.
- ""They did not come here to fight!"" - no, they came here to have their baby. Fucking hell.
- ""You know how they are!"" - what a leap this line of dialogue is. Cho asks about the coincidence, Rahn randomly says that the Vegetas haven't come to fight (insulting our intelligences in the process) and then she assures him that they indeed have. Is Cho the stupidest motherfucker in the world? Clearly, the Vegetas came to the hospital to have a baby. Rahn said it, the nurse said it, so why is Cho so goddamn stupid? It doesn't make any sense.
- ""It is just a story, our ancestor Goku and the original Vegeta were not friends! Allies perhaps, but friends... Unbelievable!"" - there should be a period after story.
- ""We'll... We aren't them."" - We'll should be well.
- ""We'll... Maybe this will all end. Heh, like that's possible."" - We'll should be well. As for the dialogue itself, I'm assuming there's some kind of feud between the Vegetas and the Sons. It needs to be mentioned more directly, seeing as the Sons are obsessed about it.
- ""I don't know... Maybe..."" - this is out of character for Cho. A moment before, she was paranoid about the Vegetas. Now she barely cares? That's inconsistency.
- There's no markers for the dialogue. It's fine to leave some without them occasionally, but every single one is left blank. There's no "Rahn said" or "Cho said", etc, and it makes it hard to tell who's talking the further we get into the dialogue. It also makes it far more boring to read. Markers are used for a reason, and omitting them is a sign of poor writing skills.
- "The Son family left the place, to go home." - the comma isn't needed.
Final Thoughts: This story is bad. The plot is clichéd and boring at the same time. Everyone's less than 1% Saiyan, but looks just like a full-blood and can use Super Saiyan easily. There's some feud hinted at between the Sons and Vegetas (seriously, Vegeta's gang is using his name as their last name for no fucking reason) that doesn't go anywhere and just serves to make Son Cho the worst character in the story. All she does is whine and bitch about the Vegetas and swear that they came to the hospital not to have a baby but to attack her. Right, that seems likely. The dialogue is amongst the worse I have ever read. A monkey could have written better. Much of it just doesn't make sense. It's as if large portions of the story were deleted and some fragment lines were left behind. The dialogue doesn't flow naturally and often times is nonsense. This story is almost completely dialogue. There are no descriptions are dialogue markers, making it very boring to read. The narrator section at the beginning was unnecessary. A one or two sentence set up at the top of the page would have sufficed. We didn't need a narrator rambling for what felt like a longer section than the actual story. Overall, this story is horrifically bad. The writing is banal and unintelligent, the characters are unlikeable and vapid, and the plot is predictable, uninspired, and lame. Don't waste your time reading this garbage.
Final Rating: E-
- The story concept is quite unique. I really like that this is the last story in the collection too, as its plot is very much a "closer" for a collection such as this. Really good intuition on the order of the TMF one-shots.
- The prose is very tight. Paragraphs are a little short, but overall the writing is excellent. I'm quite picky, which is why there are so many cons below related to words and sentence structure, but really this story has excellent overall prose.
- The descriptions of the setting in the opening paragraphs was truly wonderful. The tide, the storm, and the moon (or not) were really well-described. I love the thematic implications of the waves as well. Great job.
- I like how Roshi is afraid of feeling grief. He's probably felt so much in his life that he's world weary and knows the pain that it will bring. Interesting in-character move with that.
- The rain is a great use of the setting. Roshi crying in the rain felt so natural to me. It was a great move. This is a really excellent example of the setting mimicking the character (or vice versa). It's expertly done. I don't know of many other users on this wiki who could have had the foresight and the skill to write such a moving passage.
- I think it was a good move having Roshi scream out in grief too. We never saw him do something like this in canon, but Turtle was one of his best friends and one of his greatest companions. I could see Roshi breaking down this much after Turtle's death.
- I feel like Roshi throwing the clumps of sand into the water was something Destructivedisk has done himself or watched someone else do. Good coping mechanism and it (may) show a bit of the author himself in the piece.
- It's cool how Roshi is afraid of seclusion. He moved out to that island, making it look like he wanted to be secluded, but deep down inside, he really wanted a bit of company. That's some really good character development.
- Very good with showing Roshi change emotions almost at a moment's notice. Looks like Roshi is going through the five stages of grief when he gets angry.
- Love the description of the rain on the sea.
- The part with the yoga tapes was well-written. They were like relics of the past, and in Roshi's current emotional state, it's almost impossible to see him as the lecherous man we are so accustomed to. In a way, by looking at the tapes, Roshi is looking at his past, and he's seeing that his past self is dead. He can't go back after Turtle's death. Brilliant writing (even if the author didn't consciously do this on purpose).
- The metaphor with Roshi destroying the tapes is superb. Earlier in the story, Roshi states that he's sick of himself. This is manifested by him destroying the tapes. He seems to be mad with how he acted while watching those tapes and seems to want to atone for that. Turtle's death being the impetus for this character development is both interesting and unique.
- Roshi forgetting what Krillin looked like was unexpectedly funny. I don't know if it was intended to be a comical scene to lessen the tension, but it worked out like that for me and I liked that it did.
- The hourglass comparison is very good.
- Roshi's plight in this story is not just that he's lost Turtle, but also that he's struggling with the curse of immortality. This two-pronged conflict makes the story far more memorable and Roshi's character more complex. I'm feeling a comparison of Roshi to Doctor Manhattan from Watchmen, but I'm not sure if Destructivedisk has read that comic (or seen its movie version). The idea of immortality being something that is suffered through is such an interesting move on the author's part, considering how many villains have been desiring immortality throughout the series. Roshi is one of the few immortals in all of Dragon Ball, and yet it is a major negative in his life. Very good job on portraying that.
- It's ingenious to have Roshi feel the pain of centuries past when he relives the Piccolo Wars in his mind. Again, I see very few writers with the skill or awareness to put this in their stories.
- I like the parallel between Roshi's best friend during the Piccolo Wars and Turtle (his latest best friend). He couldn't stop either one of them from dying and seems to be quite emotional about that in both cases. Great thematic parallel with this memory.
- I don't particularly like the suicide vial, but this line is awesome: "It swayed back and forth in the vial, taunting him and calling to him simultaneously." Beautiful. That may be the best line in all of That Magic Feeling.
- Roshi wondering if he will go to heaven is a clever reference to the story's name.
- "Questions inundated his mind as he wondered why he had waited so long to do this." - I really like this sentence.
- It's a great character moment when Roshi decides to give up the mantle of guardian of Earth. Truthfully, he didn't hold that title since before the start of Dragon Ball Z, but it's interesting that he still thinks he does. We don't know the context of the world around Roshi, what happened to Goku or the other Z Fighters (so Roshi could theoretically be one of the strongest warriors again). His reluctance to stop being the protector of Earth speaks volumes about Roshi's nobility.
- I like how information is teased about the outside world. Roshi notes that others could protect the Earth, but he doesn't call them Goku or the Z Fighters, so it seems to be some new warrior or group. This could be purely unintentional, though. But I would like it more if that group wasn't the Z Fighters. It would give a better idea of how long after Z this story takes place.
- I liked the last flashback, but it also emphasized the need for a flashback in the early part of the story for pacing and symmetry purposes.
- The Nihilism at the end is superb.
- The ending is beautifully-written. Roshi's march out to the waves and then falling over dead is tragic, and it is described with such detail that I can see it clearly in my mind. Excellent job with the descriptions to close out the story.
- The moon was a great last symbol. I mean, he had to destroy the moon back when he was truly powerful and relevant, and here it is back again, almost staring him down defiantly. Adding in the passing images of his friends and family was great, too. I wish we could have gotten a description and symbolic meaning with the stars too, but considering a storm is going on, it's understandable why they couldn't be seen.
- "He was but a mere mortal, unsuited for immortality." - this line is amazing. Maybe even better than the vial line I mentioned above.
- I enjoy the symmetry of the story, with it beginning and ending with the waves. This is such a good idea. The waves go in and out, people live and die and are forgotten. I don't think Roshi will be lost to the annals of time like the story claims (he's too famous and has done too much to be forgotten), but it's a great metaphor overall.
- I like how Roshi's death is bigger than the death of a single man. He's the last survivor of numerous generations that don't exist anymore. He's the last living memory of the Piccolo Wars and other old conflicts, and when his memories die with him, I feel sadness because the world is losing more than one of its greatest martial arts teachers ever. Roshi's memories and flashbacks are being lost too. No one will remember them like he did. So in a way, as those memories die, the people who they portray are diminished or lost to history (not just Roshi himself). I love that this was done in this story.
- "A storm was brewing that night, evidenced by the heavy rain" - I don't like the word evidenced here, and I don't really like how the storm is described. I think it could have been done better by showing the effects of the storm instead of simply saying there was a storm going on.
- I don't think it adds to the story to mention that the rain didn't bother him. This could be figured out by the reader simply by seeing that he's out there to begin with, so it's a bit redundant.
- "A certain brand of stoicism besmirched Roshi that night" - besmirched doesn't feel like the right verb for that sentence to me.
- "Turtle had been dreadfully sick for the weeks leading up to then" - perhaps "that night" instead of "then". "Then" reads weirdly.
- "His passing was not particularly painful or distressed" - shouldn't this be "His passing had not been particularly painful or distressed"?
- "Roshi had experienced a thousand deaths far more traumatizing than Turtle’s, and, thus, he knew not why he was so sad." - I would change "thus" to "yet".
- "The tide brushed against his knees but he didn’t move at all." - I would change the last part to "did not move".
- "There was something therapeutic about this, and Roshi repeated the action countless times." - countless times is unnecessary. Just say he did it a few times. Countless doesn't work for how short a time he actually did this for.
- "Soon Roshi tired of throwing sand and returned to his feet, stomping around." - I don't like anything about this sentence. He suddenly gets angry at everything in the sentence prior, and this sentence opens with "Soon". That doesn't work. Something like "Roshi shot to his feet, throwing sand in all directions, the rage building uncontrollably in his veins" would work better. Continue the suddenness of the previous sentence with this one.
- "He came up to one of his trees and punched it, breaking it in half almost on impact." - no need for "almost" here.
- "Splinters stuck out from the tree and it careened downward, crashing into the ocean below it." - the last word is not needed.
- "Roshi migrated back into his house." - migrated is a bit awkward here. Just say "returned" or something similar.
- I don't really like Roshi drinking the whiskey. In my opinion, it's out of character. There's no real point to it either. I don't think the story would be worse off without that scene. It just seems like a desire on the author's part to use alcohol, but it didn't work for me in this story.
- I like the tapes scene, but I don't like that Roshi stopped collecting them. I think he would have continued collecting newer tapes (and dvds), even if the company that produced that one series went out of business.
- The word "stomp" is used twice in quick succession in this story. Use a synonym for at least one of the "stomp"s to make the reading less tedious.
- "so he decided to leave the room." - change to "so he left the room".
- "It had cracked upon hitting the ground and several small shards of glass were left on the ground, but he didn’t care." - the last part is completely unnecessary and irrelevant to the scene going on. Keep it as: "It had cracked upon hitting the ground".
- "back long before either of them were martial arts champions or saviors of the universe" - I have two problems with this section. For one, either of them should be changed to "either of his students" to make it clearer who is being talked about. Second, Krillin never saved the universe. Sure, he helped save Earth on a few times, but he never had a larger galactic impact.
- I like the Roshi's memory about hearing his best friend die, but I think it should have been expanded upon and the pronouns made a bit clearer.
- I think there should have been a memory in the beginning of the story when Roshi was on the beach. Maybe another Piccolo Wars one, or one where Roshi recollects a fond memory of him and Turtle together. It would definitely show how close their relationship was (and provide an explanation for why Roshi gets so distraught later on).
- "He cursed the Immortality Phoenix that had given him the ability to live for so long." - the Immortality Phoenix's name defines what it does. It is not necessary to explain what it did to Roshi. Remove that bit at the end to make the pacing a little better.
- I don't like that Roshi uses the suicide vial. I don't even like that he had one. It doesn't seem like he would have bought one at any time in his life. This is just bizarre. It's also painfully obvious that this is merely a plot device for the story, and it's not really integrated well into the pacing.
- After Roshi swallowed the suicide elixir, it's the first time Roshi felt legitimately scared, but he just had that flashback to the Piccolo Wars, and that scared him too. If that flashback didn't legitimately scare Roshi, then it shouldn't have been mentioned that he was scared at all.
- "That was the only time in his life that Roshi had felt truly powerless, up until that night." - I don't really like this line, since it's a bit repetitive with the earlier mention of the only time Roshi was scared. Additionally, I think Roshi felt powerless a few others times (like when Goku surpassed him and he couldn't help the Z Fighters anymore or when he couldn't defeat King Piccolo). Also, I don't understand "up until that night". It's confusing and would work better if it was reworded.
- I wish that Roshi would have said something like "He had trained Goku, the greatest warrior to ever grace the planet, and Krillin." or something of the like. Having Roshi compliment Goku and then not really say anything about Krillin would have worked better in my opinion. At least separate what he says about them.
- I would have preferred if Roshi had died in the ocean without the need of the elixir, though the ending scene was quite beautiful in and of itself. I still have a problem with Roshi having and using an elixir as opposed to just going out into the ocean and letting himself drown.
Final Thoughts: I really like this story. There are few one-shots (or even multi-chapter stories) anywhere close to the quality of All Good Children Go To Heaven. What really separates this story from other stories is that it spends a great deal of time developing themes and Roshi's character. Roshi is portrayed brilliantly as he handles the grief of Turtle's death, his immortality, his loneliness, and his old painful memories. There are so many different things going on with Roshi’s character throughout the brief one-shot; this story offers a highly complex, but also very faithful representation of him. Another thing that this story has that I rarely see, even in published fiction, is giving deliberate care to the setting, having it mirror and expand various themes and act as symbols for Roshi's situation as well. It’s almost like the setting is a character itself. The descriptions of the first storm scene and Roshi's death were particularly memorable because of the careful detail given to the setting. I also really liked the way Roshi reminisced about his life (like with his flashbacks and him looking over his old yoga tapes). A few things I did not like about this story include Roshi drinking the whiskey, using the suicide elixir, and the lack of a flashback during the early part of the story. However, I think the pros far outweigh the cons of this story. The themes and character development were executed at a professional level. I'm quite proud of Destructivedisk for this story, and I think it's one of the finest pages on the entire wiki. If this is his last story, his swan song, if you will, then I don't think he could have ended his writing career on this wiki on a higher note.
Final Rating: S
- The chapter names are very poor.
- Chapter 1 being an overview is pointless. This overview should occur before the story. Having an entire chapter just be a sentence explanation of what's going on is bad pacing and, quite frankly, it shows a lack of intelligence.
- No explanation for what the Collision course is.
- The spelling and grammar is consistently pitiful.
- The last sentence of the first chapter is as pointless as it is cringe-worthy.
- I don't understand why the author is so random with punctuation. Sometimes they use commas and periods when they should; other times they don't do anything. It's baffling.
- Chapter 2 has a very lame chapter name. I am very unimpressed so far. This entire story shows a definite lack of skill in every category.
- Superman's dialogue is atrocious. There should also be punctuation, as it's just one long sentence that goes on forever.
- Chapter 2 needs some paragraph separation. It's one huge eyesore, and considering it's just a bunch of dialogue, it's unacceptable that there is no paragraph separation. It's almost unreadable.
- Superman is very much out-of-character. Him swearing is random and poorly done too.
- Superman is far too sarcastic. The dialogue also isn't showing any character growth or personality. I think Superman is basically just the author's own personality in this story. It's not consistent with Superman's character, and it's overall poor writing.
- Lex Luthor's dialogue is horrific. Like Superman's, Lex's dialogue rambles on and on about total tripe. The more he talks, the less sense he makes. For example: "I'm the brains behind this whole operation the planets colliding you know well only did that because in 1 hour a red sun is going to appear and its going to stay probably weaken you and human you forever 'supes'." - That bit of dialogue is so bad. It misses the mark on every level. I think a second grader could write better than that. It's disgraceful, ridiculous, pathetic. This is the kind of shit that doesn't deserve being read.
- Superman and Lex Luthor randomly fighting in the middle of chapter 2 is one of the worst things I've ever read. It makes no sense. It's also rushed and uninspired. It's basically the two going through the motions; there's no energy, no originality, no emotion.
- "C'mon Supes you can't go down now, before the Red Sun, damn I can't wait to get lios' fast lane" - This line by Lex Luthor is so incoherent, I can't even guess what it was supposed to mean.
- It is not explained in the text why Superman kills Lex Luthor. It'd need a pretty damn good explanation for it not to be ridiculous, too.
- Metallo just appears out of nowhere. What the fuck. I have no idea what is going on in this story. It's horrifically bad with how confusing it is.
- Metallo swearing is such a tryhard move. Shame!
- The conversation about Lex Luthor serves no purpose. He's dead, and now Superman and Metallo are going on and on about him. This author isn't skilled enough to make Lex an interesting character, and since he serves no further role in the story, it is a waste of space to go on about him.
- Superman explaining who Hank Henshaw is was pretty funny and also very out-of-universe.
- Superman saying "John Corben" was extremely forced and poorly done.
- Metallo says "Agreed the man of steel" to Superman's face. People don't talk like that. Incoherent little kids trying to make a story and failing in every regard do, however.
- "Metallo: Its been a long since I snapped a bitches neck." - this is laughably bad.
- Scene direction must be separate from dialogue in drama format. This author doesn't do that, which just adds to the confusion of the second chapter.
- No explanation for why Goku is in Superman's universe or why he was helping Batman in Gotham.
- Why would Goku want to save Superman? He doesn't know who he is. Why would he want to kill Metallo? He doesn't know who he is! These things need to be explained and built up to. You can't just randomly thrust these characters into situations like this, because it's incoherent and defies reality. But more importantly, this is disrespectful to Goku and Superman. You are taking characters owned by other individuals and portraying them out-of-character in a sloppy, poorly-written way. To not respect the characters enough to try to make a good story involving them is a grave misstep and one that further highlights this author's irrelevancy and lack of talent.
- Chapter 3 doesn't even have a name. This is lazy and inconsistent with the previous chapter names.
- Chapter 3 has even worse spelling errors than the previous two chapters.
- Superman not wanting to kill Metallo is stupid. "I have morality!" is the lamest excuse ever. He just randomly killed Lex Luthor in the previous chapter. So now even this author's Superman is being inconsistent with himself.
- "Metallo: No you don't have morality, you're just a giant fucking pussy, and I'd like to see you try and kill me asshole" - this is so out-of-universe it isn't funny. It's also one of the worst lines of dialogue I've ever read. I don't think I've ever seen such a good example of an author being a tryhard and incoherent at the same time.
- This author doesn't know how to spell "throw". Seriously. They misspelled it multiple times, indicating that it wasn't an error in typing, but a lack of intelligence.
- Superman's fight with Metallo is boring as fuck. They whine at each other for a while, trade some punches, and then Superman throws him into space. It's incredibly lame.
- Chapter 4 also doesn't have a name.
- Randomly, Batman is with Superman in chapter 4. There's no explanation as to why or how that happened.
- Okay, Goku is there too. What the hell? Would it really take that much time to explain these things?
- I find it annoying how Superman is referred to as "supes" by everyone.
- How is Metallo regenerating? And from what? He was only frozen and thrown into space. He wasn't blown to pieces or cut in half. He doesn't have any wound to regenerate from.
- Goku is completely out-of-character. It is a disgrace how poorly his dialogue is written.
- Goku kills Metallo with a single Kamehameha. No battle. No buildup. No fighting. No emotion. Who cares about any of this? I know I don't. There is nothing about Goku's fight against Metallo that matters to me as a reader. It's the laziest piece of writing I've ever seen. Goku just looks at his opponent and kills him in one attack. That's the extent of this story. That's what we've been waiting for for four chapters. It's terrible.
- Goku saving Superman from the Kryptonite was rushed. Superman has supposedly been dying from it for the past few chapters, and again, Goku just fires one blast and fixes everything in a second. This is dreadful pacing. This is beyond amateurish. This is one of the least-skilled writers I've ever encountered on this wiki, and that's saying something. They have no talent whatsoever to write something interesting or fun or cool.
- What was the point of Batman? He didn't save Superman from the Kryptonite and just disappeared after his introduction.
- Chapter 5 is like chapter 1 in that it doesn't need to exist. All it says is that Superman has healed and Metallo is defeated. That's it. Why couldn't that sentence be added to chapter 4? There's no skill with pacing here. These mistakes are so elementary that one must question the author's intelligence.
- This story's name also does not relate to the plot of it at all.
Final Thoughts: This is one of the worst stories I have ever read. I will say that Deadpool the merc, the author of this story, is, without a doubt, the worst writer I have ever encountered on this site. Yes, he's worse than Unlimated. He makes mistakes not even that fool would make. Deadpool the merc is a lazy, incoherent, talentless hack who should not write another word of fanon. The world would be better if he never wrote anything ever again. I don't think this story is as bad as Unlimated's story, however, as Unlimated's was much longer.
Final Rating: E-
- The cover image is good, though not great. It's an admirable effort, but it doesn't look professional. Still, for a fan game, it's well-done.
- The controls are unique, interesting, and logical. I like that they are modeled off of third-person shooters instead of other fighting games. The semi-transparent reticle is a good addition. The way to charge ki is interesting, to say the least.
- I like the concept of the "Raging Battle" mode.
- Overall, the fighting modes are good, but there could be more of them.
- Arcade mode is a decent idea, though it is not perfect (see my cons about it below).
- I like the idea of the Z Kiosk.
- The item edit section is interesting, but it needs a lot more explanation.
- The character roster is good, but it is not great. I wish that more characters from the series would be in it. The inclusion of some rarer characters, like Yajirobe and Evil Buu, is very good though.
- Not sure what "behind-the-back perspective" means, nor why it is claimed that this game is the first DBZ one to use it. The Raging Blast and Xenoverse games (ones that I've played) are definitely "behind-the-back" third person perspective games.
- There are some grammar errors on the pages, such as saying "then" instead of "than", etc.
- The screenshots from in-game are just from existing DBZ games, which even further disproves that this is the first "behind-the-back perspective" DBZ game.
- There's not enough information on the controls for fighting, such as which buttons are kicks, which are punches, how combos work, etc.
- The difficulty levels are referred to in passing, but not explained.
- The Dragon Zones section does not have enough description for what it actually is. What battles take place in each zone? Is this a retelling of the DBZ story? Is it fanon battles? These need to be explained. By not saying anything, this game mode is meaningless.
- Not being able to select a transformation in the sparring mode character select screen is ridiculous. Transformations are what DBZ is all about. Many of the battles started with characters already transformed. I don't want to have to transform in-game always. This is archaic and unnecessary for a fanon game. There is literally no reason to not allow transformations to be selected before a fight.
- Some characters have more than four transformations (Goku, Frieza, Vegeta, etc), so limiting them to only four is a bad move.
- Transforming in-game should take more than a small amount of ki. These transformations require balance, so at least 25%, if not 50%+ of ki must be used to transform.
- There's no explanation as to which techniques are usable in the game, or exactly how they work.
- It's stupid that only humans and Saiyans can compete in the World Tournament. For example, in canon, Piccolo (a Namekian for fuck's sake!) competed in that tournament.
- The whole tournament idea is pretty archaic and not well thought out. These types of tournaments should be options in the single tournament. For example, for the World Tournament, it would be fine to have an option to limit the participants to certain races. But to have these be the actual tournaments limits the customization and replayability, as the existing tournaments are only a small fraction of the options that would be theoretically possible.
- The inability to de-transform in Arcade mode is stupid.
- The Z Kiosk should offer more fights from the anime to be bought.
- I would like more stages and descriptions of what the stages look like specifically.
- The entire reception section is a terrible idea. Here's why: if you say your page isn't getting perfect reviews, then you haven't made your page as good as it can be; if you do give it perfect reviews, it'll look like you are godmodding the reviews. Basically, there's no way to win. Don't do reception sections. It's just ridiculous. Getting vague fake "reviews" from real reviewing sites adds nothing to the page.
Final Thoughts: This video game has some decent ideas, but many of them are underexplained. Other areas of the game are mind-bogglingly archaic or vague. Some ideas are bad, such as the lack of being able to choose transformations before a game begins or the entire reception section. Overall, I think this game relies too heavily on what we expect from a DBZ game with little innovation or explanation of how the game would actually work. Quite honestly, this page is pretty lazy, even if it does have a few good ideas. The specificity of the controls, for example, is a great part of this page, and if the entire article had such detail, it would truly be a better page.
Final Rating: C-
- I like how Frieza mutters curse words at Cell in his native language.
- The writing is pretty good. The sentences flow nicely and there aren't too many spelling and grammar errors.
- I like the description of Cooler's rivalry with Frieza. It's very accurate - Frieza boasting and ranting endlessly while Cooler gets in fewer, but more meaningful words. This was masterfully done.
- The ridiculousness of Frieza achieving his golden form after one month of training was adequately satirized here. See my below con on the Frieza/Cooler conversation though. The dialogue could be tighter, shorter, more emotional, and more impactful.
- Though it was a bit forced, Frieza blaming the universe's sanity is rather clever and is very in-character. As stated in the below con, it would have been better if this had been built up to better, though.
- I don't see how Frieza being back in hell is "routine" if this is only his second time going back into hell (as stated later in the text). Two times is not routine. You need at least 4+.
- Otherword should be Other World.
- I'm not really buying that Frieza would hate Cell, although the reasons for him hating Cell are pretty valid (Cell is a very boring character). It's just not how Frieza acted in the anime when he was with Cell.
- Frieza is too prideful to want worse punishments in hell.
- I don't really care for the second paragraph with Bardock. It's seems "off". I don't think Frieza would care about Bardock or even know who he is, even if he is a Saiyan. Frieza in hell was always more concerned about himself and rarely if ever thought about the Saiyans, save for the ones who killed and humiliated him.
- I don't think it's accurate to say King Cold trusted Frieza solely with the Planet Trade Organization. The first Cooler movie disproves this pretty clearly, in my opinion.
- As much as I like the description of Frieza's and Cooler's rivalry, their ensuing conversation is kind of boring overall. I wish there was more wit in Cooler's words, and a little more arrogant boasting in Frieza's. In such a short story, this is actually quite a negative, as it's wasted space. The purpose of a short story is to hit home in a very small amount of words, often times implying plot and emotion in what is not said as well. For the Frieza/Cooler conversation, which takes up a huge chunk of this short story, very little is actually said. It could probably be shorted to one or two lines apiece and have the same emotional resonance as well as the same plot progression. And that's not a good thing.
- I felt that Frieza questioning the sanity of the universe was a bit forced, but I understood what the author was trying to do. It's a good knock against Toriyama, but it wasn't built up to skillfully enough.
- I don't really understand the <NONCANON MOVIE CHARACTER> gag. Is Frieza's attempt at returning to sanity to see his brother as non-canon? This was a random twist, and not one that was explained well enough in the text.
- I don't like the ending at all, really. I assume the voice is Bardock's. Again, I don't see Bardock and Frieza spending much if any time together in hell. In Frieza's appearances in hell, he's with his father and the Ginyu Force, and sometimes, he's with Cell. There's no indication that Bardock is even in hell, and if he is, there is no indication that he and Frieza are in contact. It feels like this story ends with a whimper, not a bang, and not in a good way either. Many stories can end well with a whimper, but here, it feels more random that Bardock would be there. It's not built up to. It's not logical, and it's not very poignant either. So I see the ending three paragraphs as an utter failure.
Final Thoughts: I think this story satirizes the terribleness of Resurrection F adequately. The writing is pretty good, and some of the interactions (particularly the paragraph describing Cooler's relationship with Frieza) were quite good. However, a lot of this story was rushed, with certain aspects of it, like Frieza losing faith in the universe, coming out of nowhere in bizarre fashion. The ending was just not very good, in my opinion. I don't think a lot of this story was built up to, meaning it was just a set of random occurrences with little logic behind it. To me, that's not good writing. The Frieza/Cooler conversation was also way too long, considering how little the two say in it. Overall, while a decent effort, this story shows the author's lack of experience in writing short one-shots. There's potential here, but as it stands, this story fails more than it succeeds.
Final Rating: C
- The cover image is a good attempt, though I couldn't call it great.
- The fighting gameplay is adequately explained. Some of the combo descriptions are nice, but many of the combos are left unexplained or given too little explanation. It could do with more detail overall.
- The team attack idea is not a new idea, but it's a good one, and I like that it's in this game.
- Story mode is good, and it's interesting that it changes based on who you play as.
- The category system for survival mode is interesting. I don't know if it's in the game CP is referencing, but it wasn't in RB1, so for me it's a unique idea.
- The Dragon Roulette idea is overall very creative and cool.
- The online version of Dragon Roulette is a good idea.
- The tournament ideas are all fine, though they are pretty much what already exists in DB games.
- The character creator is good in some regards - four races is nice (though not enough). The number of voices per race is decent, not great.
- Training mode is a decent idea.
- The potara idea, while not revolutionary or unique, is decent. The game would be worse without it, no doubt. I think the balancing done with it (weaker characters can use more; stronger characters must use less) is good.
- Baba's shop is a good idea. It's also unique in that it's Baba who runs it and not a more popular character. I really like this little bit of the game.
- The DLC packs are alright.
- The character roster is decent; there are a good number of good characters on there. I just wish there were more.
- Stages are mostly good - there are a lot of them, with implied varied scenery.
- "And" should not be capitalized after "Playstation 3" in the opening sentence.
- Reccuring misuse of "it's" instead of "its".
- I think the game, overall, borrows too heavily from other DB games. It's nearly every other sentence where something is borrowed from an existing game or influenced by it. Have some creativity and make something new.
- There needs to be a description of what changes depending on which characters are chosen in storymode.
- The Utimate Battle section is not explained enough for me to be able to tell what it is.
- Though I like the Dragon Roulette idea, I wish there was more freedom with the bet sizing.
- "in order to fight the character." - this is not a sentence.
- I don't like how you don't get money if you do tournament mode online or with a friend. What's the point of doing it then? There shouldn't be a penalty for a mode that screams for online multiplayer capabilities.
- There should be some kind of prize for the Intergalactic World Tournament. Beating real people takes far more skill than computer AI. You are gettin rewarded for the easier tournaments, so why not this one?
- The options for editing the created characters need more detail.
- There should be more races for the character creator. Frieza's race, androids, and aliens in general would all be nice additions.
- The custom attacks option is curious, but there is too little detail about it to really know what it is.
- Team fight doesn't specify how many characters you can have on a team.
- Destruction points fight needs a description as to what it actually is.
- I think there should be more/different trainers than Mutaito. If you can only have one, he is definitely not the one. If you can have more, add Roshi, King Kai, Elder Kai, Beerus, Whis, etc.
- This page doesn't specify what the controls are, so having a section saying "change the game controls" is meaningless in two ways - one, we don't know what we are changing from; and two, we don't know what we can change them to.
- DLC related to stages and moves being shunned is stupid. I want more stages and more moves. Depending on the stage/move, that's more important than new characters. For example, the holiday pack. While an okay concept, a few good stages and moves would easily overtake that DLC from a quality standpoint. Stages are actually very important - you are always fighting on one. Having good stages (and lots of them) is crucial for a game's replayability. In terms of attacks, these are also very important. If you don't have good attacks or if the game is missing some attacks, DLC is the way to get some new ones that may be very useful.
- I hate the way the Dragon wishes are set up. For one, it's not clear how you summon each dragon. We only get vague hints at collecting dragon balls. Are you telling me that I can go for all three at once, making it 3x harder to get a collection for any one of them? If that's the case, this is a huge con. Even without that, the number of wishes required is absolutely ridiculous, especially for the first Shenron, who can only grant one wish at a time. You have to find the Dragon Balls far too many times to collect everything, and that amount of ridiculous grinding is just bad game design.
- The random custom character part for the first Shenron is bad. All aspects of randomness are bad, and this one is amongst the worst. Not only do you have to spend forever grinding for seven Dragon Balls - when you get the wish, you have to hope that you get the 20% chance to get the part you want. That is atrocious design and needs to be re-worked.
- I don't like how some charactes have "eras". There are like 5 different base Gokus. This is just a bad idea.
- I wish more characters were in the character roster.
- Though I like the amount of stages, I want there to be descriptions of them, to give a clearer indication as to what they actually are.
- There should be more trophies with more interesting achievements in my opinion. Some of them are good, some even great, but there is much to be desired in the trophy section.
Final Thoughts: This is one of the better video games on the site. It is pretty decent in most respects, though it is spectacular in very few. My main issue is with how the wishes work - you need to gather the Dragon Balls way too many times to get all the wishes. Additionally, most if not all of the sections could do with more detailed descriptions and explanations about them. Overall though, this is a decent video game. I think Xenoverse had a lot of similar ideas as this game, but in most regards, it surpassed Crossed Paths in scope and precision and quality. Still, this is an admirable effort for a fan game.
Final Rating: B-
- The Cell Jr. wanting to revive Cell is a funny idea.
- The puzzle pieces joke is not bad. The Cell Jr. not being able to find the last piece is a good touch.
- The text-crawl joke about Toriyama when Cell talks about his bullshit powerup is good satire on Resurrection of F.
- Sending the invitations in the mail was funny.
- Super Saiyan God Super God Saiyan God Super God Saiyan God Super God God Saiyan Super form.
- The Yamcha joke at the end was aight. Might've been funnier with a different character though.
- I'm not fond of this story's name. I understand it's a joke, but it's not a very good one.
- The writing is really sloppy. There are unnecessary commas and a lack of punctuation.
- On more than one occasion, a sentence that should end with a question mark does not.
- The GT canon jokes doesn't even make sense...
- Shenron's dialogue is just terrible. Especially when he does the patented tunboy "...".
- The 1 year rule is for groups of people, not individuals. Individuals can be revived at any time.
- Cell's dialogue is terrible. I mean, I know he's terrible in the anime too, but that doesn't mean his dialogue here should be unfunny and awkward.
- Cell Games 2.0 is lazy. A different gimmick would have been funnier.
- I didn't really find the conversation between Goku, Vegeta, and Cell to be funny. I understand what the author was trying to do but it didn't work for me.
- Goku getting the last puzzle piece wasn't very funny. It would have been better had Cell not gotten whole for the entire story, as it's great irony that the supposed "perfect" character has an imperfection.
- "Cell has a seizure, foaming at the mouth and twitching on the floor, until he dies. Tasteful".
- Trivia section is blank.
Final Thoughts: This story has some funny bits, some un-funny bits, and is a bit repetitive overall with the jokes, such as with the recurring puzzle or the long conversations that don't really go anywhere. One thing I noticed about this story is that there was no major punchline, no climax moment of hilarity. It kind of just went on for a while and then faded out. The pacing was consistent, but that also helped it not have any "big" moments. For that reason, it's not a very memorable story, but it's not terrible either.
Final Rating: R
- The opening two lines are fantastic.
- The teleporter idea is clearly taken from Star Trek, but it's an okay idea for this story.
- Overall, I'd say the prose is decent - a solid 7/10. It gets awkward in some places, and there are lines that are quite long that say very little, but the grammar and spelling is good. Additionally, the descriptions are rather basic; there isn't much elegance in the prose, but that may have been a specific choice to tonally mirror Zarbon's position.
- Zarbon's dialogue is better than Dodoria's. He seems more in-character to me.
- Zarbon's conversation with Dodoria is not bad. Dodoria is slightly more in-character here, though not fully, and Zarbon's remarks are very good.
- "He wondered who was on board the ship, and ultimately concluded that it didn’t matter. Only one person on that ship mattered, and Zarbon knew he was there." - these two lines are contradictory.
- Space pirate should not be capitalized.
- The name of Dodoria's ship is lame.
- At the end of the second section, I think the specialist alien should have pulled some levers, not levels.
- Dodoria's dialogue in the second section is not in-character. I can't imagine that fat brute saying what he did there and it really took me out of the story.
- "The engine room was no less than dilapidated, the hull was a mockery, and the technology was outdated at best." - this line is very awkward. "The hull was a mockery" doesn't even make sense, because what it is a mockery of is not stated.
- The use of walkie-talkies was an amateur error. Zarbon and his crew are on a space ship. They should have better communication options than that.
- "The time for action neared." - that is a poor way to end a section.
- I don't understand why the engineer had to drive the Destroyer II, since there must've been plenty of soldiers on the bridge who had experience running the ship already. That is, unless Zarbon drove the whole ship himself, which would be an archaic and bad idea.
- Saying Dodoria doesn't grin often shows that the author doesn't really know his character. He grins all the time in Dragon Ball Z.
- Homages to Star Trek are okay. But having teleporters, the comments about the academy, and now photon torpedoes... it doesn't seem like this is Dragon Ball the author is writing about. It's Star Trek reskinned as Dragon Ball with characters who barely act like their canon counterparts. That is not good writing.
- Zarbon revealing himself to Dodoria would have been better had it been stated beforehand that Dodoria had taken his scouter off. It's terrible writing for the big reveal to be based on something the audience literally had no way of knowing could happen. There was no foreshadowing and not one mention of scouters before Zarbon mentioned them himself. It's amateurish.
- "He threw another punch which Zarbon aptly ducked out of the way off" - off should be of.
- "countering it with an uppercut of his hand" - this is a bad description. What else could he uppercut with? Unnecessary descriptions like this mar this story quite often, and this is one of the more mind-boggling ones.
- "He released Dodoria’s fist and flashed behind Dodoria, releasing a kick upon the pink alien’s back." - the repetition of the word released/ing is not good.
- The choice to use the word battery was not a good one.
- Walkie-talkie is misspelled as waklie-talkie on at least one occasion.
- Why Dodoria would use a walkie-talkie of his own has no good explanation. The Planet Trade Organization communicated primarily through their scouters (stated on multiple occasions), and otherwise, they would use long-range communications or the like. Dodoria even having a walkie-talkie is a terrible idea.
- "Dodoria charged after the space pirate, who, once more dodged him and continued walking." - there should not be a comma after who.
- I don't get why Zarbon allowed Dodoria to call his crew, or why Dodoria even bothered to do so. Feels forced to me.
- Dodoria asking Zarbon why he left and Zarbon's response are both very forced. The reason Zarbon is a space pirate could have been revealed in a more organic, built-up-to way. Basically, they were just talking plot in that exchange. There was no reality to it, no believability. No one would talk like they did there.
- How did Dodoria know that a rookie was down the hall if he didn't have his scouter on?
- Phasers too? Really? This is just a rip-off of Star Trek. It's embarrassing to read.
- "Shocked, the crewmember entered the hallway." - this sentence doesn't make any sense.
- There's no way a mere soldier's weapon would be able to decapitate Zarbon. Again, this just shows the author's lack of knowledge about the universe he's writing for.
- It makes no sense why Zarbon would let Dodoria hold him down.
- Gotta say, Zarbon just walking away while Dodoria and one soldier tried to stop him was, from a plot perspective, a bad move. It was awkward and forced and altogether boring.
- "You use your scouter to locate him, and then you find him. Then, you tell us where he is and hold him off till we get there." - this could have been said in half the words.
- Zarbon's speech to the cadet was pretty forced.
- while the twist was unexpected, I didn't particularly like it because of two reasons: for one, it wasn't built-up-to well enough - if Zarbon Junior and Zarbon Senior truly were related, Dodoria should have known and it should have been hinted at better; the second reason is that, from an in-universe perspective, this doesn't do Zarbon's history justice. Zarbon, in canon, is a prince. He is a strong warrior. Frieza mostly took the strong warriors from planets while eliminating the rest of the planet's people. So to me, the history of Zarbon presented in this story doesn't feel like it's in the flavor of Dragon Ball; thus, it is a huge failure. It also completely contradicts the other Zarbon story by Destructivedisk, though weirdly enough, it isn't actually better than that story.
Final Thoughts: This is not a good story, plain and simple. It has numerous serious plot issues. It has numerous issues with the universe it is being written for, almost as if the author didn't know or didn't care about how the Dragon Ball universe works and instead just wrote a reskinned Star Trek story for the hell of it. The dialogue is often weak; the overuse of Star Trek things is a bad idea; the writing itself is rather boring. There are a few good moments, such as the exchange between Zarbon and Dodoria on Dodoria's bridge, but for the most part, this story is consistently bad. The result is a poor story that is surely a blot on Destructivedisk's record. Destructivedisk is one of the best authors on this site, but I cannot deny that this is a serious misstep by him. I would have expected better from him, considering his talent.
Final Rating: D-
- The opening part of the dialogue is interesting enough, giving us a good insight into Basil's character.
- The second part of the prologue is almost an exact copy of TF's prologue with MajinGogito's characters replacing my own. Still, It's a rather well-written exchange, and I like the fact that he kept Tharos' power level below Daikon's.
- Overall, with a few exceptions, the prologue was a good chapter. It was well-written, strongly plotted out, and had decent dialogue. It was not perfect, however (see the below cons).
- I quite like the introductory scene with Brizzard. He has a nice, defined personality, and the exposition wasn't tedious.
- The backstory of why there are still Saiyans living in chapter 2 was good.
- I like that Brizzard's race is referred to as the Arcosians in this story.
- The desciptions of Planet Onio in chapter 2 are good.
- The Saiyan names are for the most part pretty good.
- It's not lost on me how the first scene after the three year time jump closely and consistently references chapter 2 of TF. That said, the descriptions here are quite vivid and the dialogue is quite good. I really like this scene not only for those things but because it also finally establishes Basil's relationship with Tharos.
- While a little thing, the nicknames the Saiyans give one another is a cool, subtle look into their relationships with one another. Nice touch.
- Azaka is an awesome name for a planet.
- Yes, the way Basil mentors Tharos is how Layeeck teaches Ledas on their first mission, but it was good in TF and it's good here. I almost feel like I'm reviewing something I wrote, to be honest.
- So much of the second part of the second chapter is just a re-hash of chapter 2 of TF, albeit with different characters. This makes this section hard for me to review - of course I see what I wrote in TF as being exactly how I want it, so when someone else writes essentially the same thing, isn't it, by definition, near perfect as well? The line between referencing my work and copying it is a thin one, and see my below con on this matter for a more in depth commentary about that. However, one thing I liked was how the chapter ended. MajinGogito had Basil not have his child transform in a different way than I did in TF (an inferior way, in my opinion, but an interesting way that was not bad in its own right). I like how he changed things up.
- The character development of Tharos at the beginning of chapter 3 is good, though again it's pretty much copying what I did in chapter 3 of TF.
- The change from TF, in having the Layeeck figure being the trainer, is a unique move.
- The Saibamen battle was different from how I did it in TF, and I liked it quite a bit. The battle choreography referenced TF in a few places, but was original in some places as well. I would like to see more of that in this story.
- I liked the scene where Tharos and Daikon were woken up early and complained about it. Good character development here. The joke about Daikon taking a long shower was also a nice touch.
- Basil pulling the two boys' tails in chapter 3 was great.
- Tharos smelling his mom's cooking from very far away was pretty cool. It hints at his relationship with his mom (seems like a Chi-Chi/Goten relation to me) and also highlights one of the rarely-mentioned Saiyan characteristics - their heightened sense of smell. So good job with that.
- The hunting scene is a good, unique idea (Tharos having an edge over the spoiled Daikon is also a great move), but I would have liked them to hunt an alien animal, not a wolf. Too much of this is based on Earth. Also, hunting an apex predator is probably not the best idea, since their meat is inferior to an animal like a deer's, though I understood why it was chosen (the author wanted Tharos to have a fight on his hands).
- One thing I like in this story is how so many ki attacks are named. Of course, Playful Galick is my own attack that I let MajinGogito use for this story, but others like the Flakamo Flash are cool too. It's nice that MajinGogito didn't overlook this little detail that is so oft used in Dragon Ball Z.
- Overall, I must say I like where this story is headed. It's a shame only four chapters are written, because the quality of the writing and the plot are both much higher than what is normally seen on this wiki.
- It should have been mentioned if Kyalio was an alien. I wasn't sure if he was a rogue Saiyan or what.
- I think Basil would die if he had such an open wound on his chest flowing free with blood for so long.
- "Hello <KNEELS> My King." - "my" should not be capitalized.
- "King Onio: Basil, my childhood friend! <SMILES>" - remove the "childhood". It's not how people would talk.
- Tharos suddenly having a power level of 9000 at birth is suspect. I don't like it, considering Basil previously said that Tharos' power level was 1300. This is stu-ish, in my opinion. This is a major con.
- "King Onio: <SURPRISED> 9000! That’s almost as strong as my maximum power, which happens to be 11,500!" - not a very good line of dialogue.
- "THE SCREEN LIGHTS UP, REVEALING AN INDIGO ARCOSIAN (FRIEZA'S RACE) WHO'S" - "WHO'S" should be "WHOSE".
- "I just want to finish some business that my ancestors before myself, also have done." - I don't like this line. The ending should be more along the lines of "my ancestors started".
- The word "surely" is overused in dialogue.
- When they are sitting in the throne room, how does King Onio pat Basil on the back? Logistically, it makes no sense.
- "We have forgiven them for the vain that they brought to our ancestors..." - "vain" should be "pain".
- I don't see why Onio's trip to Arcose will take 3 years. Needs a better explanation.
- "King Onio: Conversation seized!" - this is a bad line of dialogue.
- Zeni is an Earth thing. I don't know why the Saiyans are using that as currency. Unless something big happened on the galactic stage, Zeni shouldn't have left the planet.
- "I will award you with some Zeni to pay for more food on the table while I am away." - aside from the aforementioned con about the Zeni, this line is very awkward. Try saying it aloud. It just doesn't work. People don't talk like that. I suggest speaking all dialogue aloud before posting a chapter to see if they conform to the basic idea of realism.
- "A FEW RACES OF LOWER CLASSES, SUCH AS APPULES AND MEATIANS, SCAMPER AROUND,RUSHING" - should be a space before "RUSHING"
- "THAROS IS A SHORT AND SKINNY BOY THAT IS QUITE MUSCULAR" - "THAT" should be "WHO".
- "BASIL AND HIS ELITE SQUADEES" - "SQUADEES" should be "SQUAD MEMBERS".
- "So, <SCANS THE ENVIROMENT> This is Planet Azaka?" - "This" should not be capitalized. Also "ENVIRONMENT" is misspelled.
- "Tharos:<CHARGING UP HIS ENERGY>" - there should be a space after the colon.
- "Super Saiyan-in-progress" - should be a dash between Super and Saiyan as well.
- I think, quite honestly, there is too much copying of TF going on in chapter 2. The second part of the chapter is almost word-for-word a copy of chapter 2 of TF, with slightly different dialogue and a few minor changes. I would encourage the writer to try some original plotting of their own - using TF as an inspiration and a reference is fine, but when it is basically copied, there is too little of MajinGogito in this story. I want to see what the author can do with their own ideas, not so much how well they can copy what I wrote in TF.
- A minor con, but the fact that Basil and his team return to their homeworld 2 days after setting off for Planet Azaka seems to be too short a time. I would have liked more realism in this regard - maybe five days or a week's time to show how long it takes to travel (plus the day or so it took them to clear the planet, as shown in the previous chapter).
- The way Onio leaves in the third chapter is rushed.
- Dynocaps are an Earth thing. There needs to be an explanation as to why they are on an alien world.
- "BASIL'S HOME IS QUITE BIG FOR A SAIYAN" - this description is awkward.
- "This is pretty small comapred to my palace..." - compared is misspelled.
- Tharos is not mad at Basil at all when they meet again in chapter 3. This is inconsistent to the way their emotions have been portrayed up to this point.
- "Prince Daikon will be staying with us for a while... and I think that you're proud now." - the second half of the sentence makes no sense.
- Prince Daikon is too much of a Prince Vegeta recolor in my opinon. He's also inconsistent in that regard, one minute calling Tharos a fool, and the next minute seeming to be his friend. Their relationship isn't portrayed very well.
- Again, Prince Daikon is too quick to like Tharos, considering how he acts all arrogant around him during their first conversation. This was also a problem with Ledas' and Prince Vegeta's relationship in the original draft of TF, which I later fixed. I fixed it by making their relationship more realistic - having them become friends over a more drawn-out time and for good cause (Ledas standing up for Vegeta and trying to save him during Nappa's grueling obstacle course, for example). Their friendship was a result of their actions towards one another, not just a random occurrence. I would like to see that happen in this story as well. The friendship between Tharos and Daikon needs to make sense.
- Overall, the Saiyan culture in this story seems to just be human culture reskinned. They have all the human things (alarm clocks, televisions, etc), and not much actual Saiyan culture.
- "No flying... you have to learn how to overcome challenges and what if you are ambushed in the sky." - this sentence is poorly phrased.
- Tharos and Daikon praising one another when they reach the palace seems highly out-of-character, at least for Daikon.
- "Basil: <SMIRKS> You do know that you couuld've flown back?" - "could've" is misspelled.
- "I want both of you to live in the wilderness for a monthm but to assure that you both stay together and learn teamwork..." - "month" is misspelled.
- Yeah, I gotta say, the way chapter 3 ends is not something I like. For one, spending a month in the wilderness bound together by the tails is just a waste of time for Tharos and Daikon. That is precious time that they will not have to train. There is no way, against stuff like wolves or even a few Saibamen, their power levels will be raised much, and they won't be able to train very well with their tails bound. Also, the pee joke, while funny, is true. They are going to have to go to the bathroom in front of one another for a month, and that is something I don't like thinking about. It's awkward. Of course, this was based on a mission where Prince Vegeta and Ledas had their tails bound together in TF, but in TF, that was only one mission - less than a day. They were bound together so that they would have to work together during a combat assignment. Tharos and Daikon surviving in the wilderness for a month with their tails bound is significantly different than my scene in TF (both plot-wise and training-wise), and in my opinion, not nearly as good. I don't like this at all.
- Chapter 3 is titled "Basil's Intense Method (Pt. 2)". This is not the same as chapter 3. It's missing an 's' at the end of "Method".
- Daikon calling Tharos a peasant in chapter 4 while in the last chapter having fun with him at Onio's castle again highlights their inconsistent relationship.
- The "low-class" Saiyans are quite powerful. At least the two with power levels of 2000+ are. I wouldn't consider that low-class.
- The fight against the Saiyan bounty hunters was a refreshing twist... only it was an anticlimactic battle. To be honest, it was boring. I would have liked the battle to go on for a longer amount of time with Tharos and Daikon struggling at least a little bit. They were outnumbered, after all. Even if the Saiyans were all weaker than them, taking on multiple opponents is never easy. The difference in the power levels of the boys and the bounty hunters was, for the most part, not great, so the bounty hunters should have fared better and made it more of a fight.
- I don't see why Daikon would need the Zeni looted from the three bounty hunters. They shouldn't have much on them, and as the prince, Daikon should have almost unlimited amounts of money to spend.
- The amount the two boys' power levels increased while they were in the forest seems too high, considering what training they actually did.
- The fourth chapter is not paced well. It's close to 1200 words, while the chapter before it was more than 4000. These two chapters were both part of the same chapter (parts 1 and 2), so they should have been split up more evenly. One way to make this happen would be to lengthen the fight between Tharos and Daikon versus the three Saiyan bounty hunters.
- Their month in the wilderness ended without any fanfare, which is weird. I would have thought the bounty hunters would have come near the end - perhaps on the last day - not during the third week. This made the whole thing rather anticlimactic.
Final Thoughts: Overall, I enjoyed this story. It has a good plot, is well-written for the most part, and has some pretty good dialogue. I like the characters, though they occasionally say some weird things and Daikon's and Tharos' relationship is inconsistent. This story copies TF too closely in the second half of chapter 2 and the beginning of chapter 3. It's almost a word-for-word copy just with different characters. I don't like that. I wish MajinGogito would be influenced by my work (which, is an honor, of course) but not influenced so much that it prevents him from showing his own talent. He starts to take this approach in the latter half of chapter 3 and in chapter 4, where he does more of his own thing while still showing some slight influences from TF. At this point, the writing became better and I was more interested in the story. There are problems, of course, noted in the cons above. Tharos and Daikon being in the wilderness for a month was not as good as I had hoped and the bounty hunters not attacking them at the end of their stay was a misstep. But overall, the writing is great and the combat choreography is engaging. MajinGogito certainly has skill in writing. This is the best story to be influenced by TF that I have read so far. However, only four chapters are complete, and the fifth is barely started, which makes rating this story difficult. Bear in mind that if MajinGogito ever continues his story and writes more of it, this review is only noting what he did in chapters 1-4.
Final Rating: B
- The descriptions in the prologue are good, however see my con about the writing style below.
- The way the dark creature speaks is cool.
- Having Sonyo start his first chapter with a speech for his class was a good idea, as it allows lots of backstory and character development to be revealed in a quick, but organic way. Good stuff.
- The fight between Sonyo and Cabus was decent. I like that Sonyo isn't stronger than his bully. For one, it makes him not a stu off the bat and it also gives him a marker to get better. When he gets stronger in later chapters, he should eventually defeat Cabus or something similar. If he doesn't, that would be atypical, but could also be good if written in a logical manner.
- The Salza species reference in chapter 3 was nice.
- Agula's chapter, canon issues aside, has some really good character development - some of the best on this site. I was quite happy to see that.
- I absolutely love the part in chapter 3 when Agula is walking down the hall and sees the old Saiyans - Yasai, King Tarble, etc. This is great Saiyan lore and I wish there was more of it. The reference to Super Saiyan God is pretty cool, as is mentioning the Tuffles.
- Agula's speech is pretty good. It's emotional, realistic, and not over-the-top.
- The use of Yasai as a replacement god-figure for Frieza is a great move and it shows the contrast between Saiyan culture and the imposed PTO culture. Well done.
- Gotta say, most of the Saiyan names are pretty good.
- The end of chapter 4 has a moment that struck me - when Teerunip sees that his son has the same color aura as him. I don't know why I like this moment so much, but I do. It's indescribable, since it's not directly related to something that happens with human children and their parents. But still, it's almost a moment of bonding, and it's a cool moment where Teerunip sees his power in his son.
- The "following in my father's footsteps" transition from the end of chapter 4 to the start of chapter 5 is skillful writing. It's very subtle, which may mean it wasn't intentional, but if it was, it shows the author has genuine skill in crafting a story with deep thematic meanings.
- I quite like how Cabus is portrayed in chapter 5. He is built up as a common bully in chapter 1, but in chapter 5, his character is fleshed out, and he's made much more sympathetic. His struggle is one with agency, which is quite similar to Agula's struggle in this story. It's interesting seeing such a similar struggle from two characters in different social classes and of different genders.
- "My father hated Teerunip, so I hated Sonyo." - stunning line.
- Cabus' dilemma over killing Sonyo is written extremely well.
- The use of rain as Cabus is making his decision is awesome.
- The fight between Cabus and Sonyo and later Cabus and Manori in chapter 5 was highly entertaining.
- Despite not having a POV yet, Manori's personality is fleshed out quite well for a Saiyan.
- Cabus' father has some great character development and is really unique. The fact that he's become a recluse after losing his fellow squad members (because of Teerunip's bad decision) is quite interesting and makes him sympathetic to a certain degree. It also explains why the rivalry between his family and Teerunip's has developed in a realistic, gritty way. This is great writing.
- Cabus' father beating him was a really sad scene, but I like that the writing was vivid, so it did not shy away from the brutality of it.
- Cabus really is one of the best developed Saiyans I've ever seen on this wiki. His chapter was stunning, overall. It was simply put an amazing piece of writing, easily one of the best things on this entire wiki. His obligation to his father is so tragic because he wants to be loved by his father, but his father beats him because he was weaker than a girl (he was probably stronger than her but only lost because he had to first fight Sonyo). This is a complex relationship that brings out the personalities of both in conflicting ways - both Cabus and his father have good and bad things about them, and it's easy to root both for them and against them at different points in this chapter. To me, that shows great skill as a writer.
- The word "Prologue" is misspelled.
- Overuse of the word "bright" in the prologue chapter.
- " Of a boy with a tail who would arrive in this very village during a time of turmoil for the people here." - this is not a sentence.
- I don't like how, in the prologue, the alien just accepts the prophecy at once. If I saw some dark monster come up to me and tell me something, first I'd be wondering if I was on any drugs, and then secondly, I would be hesitant to stop what I'm doing and prepare for whatever it tells me to. I don't think the aliens reacted in a realistic way.
- Overall, the writing style in the prologue reads very mechanically and doesn't seem like prose as much as it seems like something that would be seen on a history section of a character page. The flow isn't story-like. It's very plain, and while I like the descriptions of the people and the planet, they take up so much text that it becomes distracting.
- I don't think there enough Super Elite Saiyans for there to be schools of them. This is a very small group. Toriyama puts it at an extremely small number, but anywhere from a couple of Saiyans up to a few dozen should be acceptable (I think less than a dozen is the best way to go, personally). Entire schools of them cheapens what it means to be Super Elite and isn't very accurate to Saiyan culture.
- "I get spend all of my time playing with Manori" - should be a "to" after "get".
- The "King" in King Vegeta should always be capitalized.
- The fight between Cabus and Sonyo is stated as being standard practice at the Super Elite school. Well, if they are always crashing through walls and destroying classrooms, no classes would ever be taught. Clearly this kind of fight is unsustainable, yet the author doesn't seem to understand this.
- "She said" - "She" should not be capitalized.
- "I stuttered, in awe," - the second comma should be a period.
- I've gotta say, the narrator in the second chapter does not seem like he is five years old. He has weird descriptions too, like constantly calling his hair "my spiky hair". Who thinks or talks like that?
- ""Sonyo, you need to stop getting into fights you can't win,"." - there should not be a period after the quotation mark.
- Overall, the second chapter was pretty uneventful. I don't think enough happened in it to warrant that being a chapter. There should have been more plot.
- The writing in the second chapter is quite awkward, but I'm not sure if this is intentional as it's a five-year-old kid narrating it. Still, I don't think it's particularly good prose.
- ""Agula," called King Vegeta, "Come in here."" - there should be a period after "King Vegeta", not a comma.
- Okay, in chapter 3, it's stated that there was a Saiyan rebellion 8 years before the events of this story. That is impossible. Frieza annexed the Saiyans in the 731 Age and destroyed them in the 737 Age. They were in his empire for 6 total years. So this story must be alternate universe at a minimum and may be non-canon friendly.
- "I looked at the long mirror by my bedside, carefully examining my curvaceous body." - sentences like this are just awkward. The way characters describe themselves would be better suited for third person POVs.
- "I walked over to my ornate dresser covered in knife carvings made by me throughout the years and golden details that gave it a faint glow." - this sentence is very awkward.
- "Eventually I reached the palace opening to the area outside of the palace." - awkward uses of the word "palace".
- "Waiting for me, was King Vegeta." - there should not be a comma in this sentence.
- "A great hurrah came from the crowd, this fueled me as I continued." - the comma in this sentence should be a semicolon.
- I'm not fond of the idea that all the Saiyans were so openly rebelling against Frieza. In the anime (particularly Bardock: The Father of Goku), it seemed like everyone was afraid to openly say such things. When kid Vegeta says he wants to take on Frieza, for example, Nappa is shocked by this. That kind of shock wouldn't come if Agula was giving these kinds of speeches and people were openly calling for Frieza's head.
- Teerunip is a ridiculous name.
- Teerunip crying in chapter 4 is ridiculous.
- "I rushed through the door of my rocky, asymmetrical home and embraced my son." - again, who talks like this?
- The word "amazing" is overused in chapter 4.
- I despise the lore that poor children don't fight in Frieza's army. First of all, the vast majority of Saiyans are in the poor class, the lower-class in terms of power or wealth. Second of all, Frieza decides who is in his armies, not King Vegeta. He would want as many Saiyans as possible. Look, if Goku was sent to a planet for Frieza's sake with a power level of 2, I'm sure all of the Saiyans are, especially the lower-class ones. They would make up the bulk of the army. The Super Elites are like the 0.01%. Then we have the elites, mid-class warriors, etc. But the majority will always be the lower-class and middle-class Saiyans, otherwise the words "Elite" and "Super Elite" have no meaning.
- My main problem with chapter 4 is that not enough happens in it, similar to my main criticism of chapter 2. This is a mistake that is made, I believe, with intermediary writers. This is the kind of writing that is not quite of book-quality. It lacks the substance. But the characters are definitely fleshed out and the setting and descriptions are very good. So if the chapters were longer, and more plot was added (complicated plot is great too) to aid the character development, that would make this story rise into the upper tier of multi-chapter stories on this site.
- "I relaxed and closed my eyes, Imagining the massive zenkai I would get from this fight." - "Imagining" should not be capitalized.
- I don't get why Cabus didn't realize at once that it was Manori picking him up, especially since she did so by the neck. That would hurt and he should instantly realize something is wrong.
- "“Why do you do this!?” I yelled over the wind and rain, “why do you always protect the boy!?”" - the comma after "rain" should be a period. The "why" the starts the second quotation mark set should be capitalized.
Final Thoughts: Okay, so this review only covers the first five chapters of the first saga of this story as that was all that was published when I reviewed it. Anyway, my main problems with Rising Moon are that often times characters describe themselves or the scenery in awkward, unrealistic ways, the grammar around dialogue is consistently incorrect, and some of the chapters are too short to have much purpose - they need more plot in them to actually serve as chapters. What I liked about this story was that the writing was quite descriptive and above-average for this site, and the character development in each chapter was pretty good. So each chapter has a different first person point of view character, and I would say chapters 2, 3, and 5 have really great character development. Chapter 1, obviously being the prologue, doesn't really have this since it doesn't have a first person POV or any defined characters. I wasn't that enamored with Teerunip's character development in chapter 4, but overall it was okay. Chapter 5 is one of the best things on this wiki. Cabus' character development is great because it's realistic, unique, and also because it subverts expectations after how he was introduced in chapter 2. His relationship with his father is heartbreaking and brutal, and I cannot think of two words better suited for a Saiyan father-son relationship. I wish this story would be continued because if it has more chapters of the quality of chapter 5, it could easily become one of the best stories on this site.
Final Rating: A
- Each chapter is in desperate need of paragraph separation, particularly after lines of dialogue.
- "Prologue" is misspelled in the title of chapter 1.
- "Frieza laughs, he charges up an attack." - the comma should be a semicolon.
- "Bardock is holding one small ki blast, Bardock throws it at Frieza." - the comma should be a semicolon.
- The prose for this story is consistently basic and boring to read.
- "The ki attack Frieza had launched had destroyed Vegeta, there was nothing else." - really poorly-worded sentence.
- "Vegeta" keeps being referenced in chapter 1. I know it's Planet Vegeta from the context, but that should be stated in the story.
- "Meanwhile on the Spacepod the baby Kakarot had landed on Earth." - this is a terrible sentence that border on incoherency. Using "the spacepod" instead of "a spacepod" is a little mistake that shows a serious lack of talent on the author's part. The space pod has not been introduced before that sentence. It, therefore, should be introduced with an "a", not a "the".
- "Spacepod" should not be capitalized and should also be separated into two words.
- Chapter 1 fluctuates between past and present tense. This inconsistency is really annoying and messes up the pacing.
- Goku killing Grandpa Gohan is laughably random. That's the kind of thing I'd expect in a satire story.
- If Goku is "evil" in this story (as he killed Grandpa Gohan), he should not grow up and befriend other humans. He should have killed everyone. This is bad characterization.
- Chapter 1's summary-like prose, which just summarizes Bardock: The Father of Goku, as well as much of Dragon Ball is really, really awful. If I wanted to read a summary of those things, I would. Or I'd just watch them. I don't want to read a poorly-told retelling of these events on a fanon page. It's lazy and shows a clear lack of imagination. It would be hard to come up with a worse idea for this fanon than that.
- Goku should not be going by the name "Goku". He killed Grandpa Gohan while he was still a newborn. He wouldn't remember what that man said to him. Again, this is a really bad mistake. It's not something I'd expect a five year old to make.
- My favorite part about the horrific Dragon Ball summary in chapter one is that no one except Goku has a name.
- "Goku meets his future wife again, then the Red Ribbon Army attack" - should be "then the Red Ribbon Army attacks".
- "He beats them up and meets the perverted old mans sister." - "mans" should be "man's".
- "They do a tournament, Goku doesn't win again." - again, comma should be semicolon.
- "The bald guy dies, he avenges him by killing the Namekian." - again, comma should be semicolon.
- I'm one chapter in, and this could legitimately be one of the worst stories on this site. Literally every aspect of it is terrible. The author should be ashamed that they created this shit and even more ashamed that they wanted me to read it. This isn't the kind of story that deserves being read. The plotting, the grammar, the dialogue, the pacing... it's all dreadful. I could con basically every word if I wanted to, because there's problems with everything, but I don't want to waste more time on this worthless page.
Final Thoughts: I'm not going to waste my time reading through the fifteen chapters of this story. I usually will read through and review a bad story if I have some fun doing it - but this one is just too long and too boring and too terrible and I'm just too busy nowadays to waste my time. I've read one chapter, and that's enough. All of the above cons were for one chapter that is not even 300 words long. Seriously, I've spent more time on chapter 1 than the author did. Look, I have a life. I have things I'd rather be doing. This story is fucking garbage. I've glanced over the other chapters and they would all get a similar number of cons as the first one. This story's only consistent aspect is that it is terrible throughout. It's not a story worthy of being read. There are plenty of good fanons and good books out there that I could be reading right now instead. I feel legitimately embarrassed for the author for producing such a hunk of shit and it is disgraceful that I had to waste even one moment reading it.
Final Rating: E-.
- I like the name given to General Blue in this story. It fits him well.
- The description of Blue as five strands of spaghetti was funny and unique enough to put a very clear image of him in my mind. That's what clever descriptions do, so good job with that.
- While not what I do in my fanons, I find it interesting that the RRA officers assume names, so that must mean General White and Colonel Silver (etc) are just army names. Cool stuff.
- The description of Orange's appearance and personality in paragraph 2 was very good.
- The cacophonous energy and tone given to the training scene was skillfully-done.
- The repeated focus on sounds and how they affect the recruits is interesting.
- I liked when General Orange called Blue a faggot. Obviously, he doesn't know Blue is actually gay, but Blue's reaction to that, allowing his rage to motivate him to complete the obstacle course, was a good moment of characterization.
- Overall, I like that Blue is very weak compared to the others. It makes it easier to root for him and is a clever starting point for his development in this story.
- I like the subtle references to Blue's hatred of filth. Since he has to go through the filth to complete the course, it makes me wonder why he even joined the Red Ribbon Army to begin with. Conflicted personality here, but not out-of-character; it's an accurate melding of how Blue acts with what he must have gone through.
- That Blue is constantly gagging is not lost on me.
- I like the way mud is used in this story. It's a good physical symbol of the filth and disgusting stuff Blue is going through.
- "But alas, Orange was a monster, and he was but a man. Not even. He was a disgrace." - very good prose here.
- Good job on having Blue get punished for flipping Orange off. Realistic, good for character development, etc.
- I very much enjoyed Orange's conversation with Gero. Really, all of Gero's introduction scene was great.
- I liked the part where Blue squeezes the bed to test his strength. That was a good moment of showing Blue's personality, not telling.
- Blue's thoughts about luck were poignant. Well done. This story is bare bones with Blue's internal thoughts most of the time, but that moment changed that - and it was for the better.
- The squirrel scene was unexpected but written out very skillfully. Again, this is another example of brilliant characterization in this story. Blue isn't doing something good either, which paints him in a villainous light. At the same time, it's hard not to empathize with him after all he's been through. This conflict for the reader (should we root for Blue or not?) is a sign of masterful writing. I especially like how the squirrel's fluids get all over Blue. He should be repulsed, given his personality and he does change his shirt, but he brought that all upon himself for momentary pleasure (who can blame him, though, when every second of his life is misery?), which seems to be a theme in this story.
- I like how Blue is portrayed as being psychotic even when he's in a miserable, weak, submissive position. This is good consistency with his canon personality.
- Interesting how Blue thinks that the sin is invisible if no one sees that he's done it. I'm not sure if he believes that, but it definitely shows how desperate his mindset is.
- It's interesting how Orange is always clenching his fists, even when there's no pressure around. That hints at his disposition. It's also an interesting parallel to how Blue clenched his fists so tight when he went to punch Orange in a previous scene.
- Gero's plot to work on Blue is a good one. It's very similar to how I explained how Blue got his powers in my universe. So I guess great minds think alike?
- I like the how Blue is portrayed being a little happier when the scene shifts back to him after the Gero/Orange scene near the end of part one. This portrays him in a more complex way. It's often very easy to just show someone being miserable all the time, so having him whistling and thinking that life isn't so bad anymore was a welcome advancement of the plot and of Blue's characterization.
- Blue finding the therapist attractive was funny, but also very true to his character. It was handled subtly, which not many writers on this site could do. Very good job with that.
- The therapist calling Blue handsome was suspicious, though Blue's response was really funny in how awkward it was. He was taken aback by the man calling him handsome. Could this be the love interest of this story? I admit, I have no idea. It seems to be going that way which makes me feel like the therapist has ulterior motives, as he would know the psychological impact of everything he says (especially overtly letting Blue know that he finds him handsome).
- The Turing Test twist was a nice one.
- I liked the beginning of part 2 where Blue mentions that his mind and body where out of sync. This of course also applies to how he's been feeling so weak and unable to defeat Orange throughout part 1. Good use of dual meaning here.
- Gero's dialogue with Blue in part 2 is well-written.
- I liked the part where the creature asked for mercy and Blue didn't give it to him. This again subverts expectations about what Blue should do as the "hero" of the story. What's interesting is that it's hard to root for him in certain instances (when he kills the creature and the squirrel), but he's a sympathetic protagonist otherwise. This is disorienting, because I'm constantly changing from liking to not liking Blue. It's quite a unique way of handling his semi-villainy, though. So good job with that.
- Orange's dialogue is on-point in part 2. I particularly enjoyed his line about the promotion.
- Blue absorbing compliments from his fellow recruits after he got his cheap enhancements was funny, and so very like Blue to do something like that.
- Blue shattering Orange's fist was a good move, considering making a fist was a mannerism Orange oft did. In a way, Blue is shattering Orange's identity. Good stuff.
- Really funny stuff when Blue is breaking all of Orange's bones. The prose is weirdly hilarious during that section.
- Orange's end was satisfyingly gory.
- I really like the last scene with Gero and Android 3. That was a cool little scene, especially with Android 3 saying "Mercy" and Gero's response to that. Good, fitting end for Orange that ties him to Gero's own plotline in a way that could fit up with canon quite well.
- The last thing I want to mention is the Overman. So obviously, the Nazi parallels are there with Gero and his classic misinterpretation of Nietzsche. On the surface, Blue also seems to be sucked in by this crazy propaganda of reaching perfect physical attainment. One thing I picked up on, though, was that perhaps the Overman theme in this story was actually more accurate to what Nietzsche was really saying. Blue's triumph over Orange (especially with him shattering the man's fist, shattering his identity and allowing Blue to assert his own as the dominant one for the first time) is a triumph of mind, a triumph of spirit. He overcomes himself mentally, achieving total freedom when he uses his own agency to destroy the man who took away his agency before. So to me, it seems possible (perhaps even probable) that precious tunboy was intentionally going for this, because there are numerous signs of the "real" Overman theme in this story, not just the corrupted Nazi version of it. Of course, I can't know for sure, but even knowing that it's possible shows me that tunboy has crafted a very deep story with some subtle messages that took a lot of skill to portray the way he did.
- "Klaus Meyer was physically pathetic, to the point where the very fact that he chose to join the Red Ribbon army was mystifying to most." - this sentence could be worded better.
- "His went by the name General Orange, his actual name was all but irrelevant to himself and everyone else." - the comma should be a semicolon. If you want to keep the comma, "was" should be changed to "being".
- "He was instructing a small squad of recruits, that Klaus had the misfortune to be on." - the comma is not needed.
- When I think of a scary drill sergeant, I don't think of a man who would say "poozers". That word took me right out of the story.
- "Klaus was propelled by his own rage. His hatred rejuvenated him, giving him the strength to propel himself to the rock wall." - overuse of the word "propel" here.
- "instead of being the pathetic worthless wimp that failed to finish" - "that" should be "who".
- "Pieces of his megaphone scattered everywhere as it smashed against the ground, thrown from the hands of a red-faced General Orange." - I don't like the way that sentence is worded.
- I think it would have been more in-character for Blue to kick mud at Orange (or something like that) instead of flipping him off. Flipping Orange off just seems odd to me.
- "Klaus tried to gasp, but Orange's hand allow him not a single breath of air." - "allow" should be "allowed".
- ""I will need the boy for later"" - so lines like this which end in a period but having a "he said" kind of marker need a comma before the last quotation mark. There are many lines of dialogue that have this error.
- "His eyes were immediately fixed upon it, and they refused to move, no matter how the squirrel moved." - this line confuses me. If the squirrel is moving around, shouldn't his eyes be following it, not staying fixed in place?
- A section break would have worked better, for pacing, when the scene switches to Orange after Blue falls asleep. When the scene then returns to Blue a few days later, another scene break would be good. This would keep the pacing tight and confusion to a minimum.
- ""Well" Klaus said, trying to sound more articulate, in a subconscious attempt to impress the silver-haired man. "I, well, I suppose"" - come on tunboy. Your favorite line in the world is "...", and you couldn't end that bit of dialogue with one of those? Really?
- ""You're quite a handsome young man, you know" his therapist said. Klaus froze. "Yes, uh, you too"" - this is two different people speaking, so their dialogue should be in separate paragraphs.
- It would have been nice for Blue to think about the therapist a bit at the end of part one. I think that was a place where some characterization was sorely needed, especially for the following autofellatio scene (clearly, he sucks himself off because he found the therapist hot and was aroused).
- The POV switch from Blue to Orange in part 2 needed a section break or a few extra spaces to really show that this is a new section.
- Fuck you. I wanted to know what that joke Orange was told years ago was.
- The delivery boy should address Red as Commander Red at all times. Such insolence would never be tolerated in the RRA.
- Goddamnit tun, scene changes require scene breaks. Use a bar or a couple extra spaces when it returns to Klaus' POV in part 2.
- "Before strolling off to his therapist, Klaus waited for his fellow soldiers to wake up, to show off his knew physique." - "knew" should be "new".
- It's Commander Red, not General Red.
- If Blue isn't going to be Klaus' real last name, then it should be explained in the story how he acquires that color in particular as his name.
- They would reattach Orange's head, not attach it.
Final Thoughts: This story is clearly very good. Most of my cons are minor grammar or appearance things. I don't have too many problems with the actual plot, dialogue, or characterization. The characterization of Blue in particular was the highlight of this story and was clearly TUN writing at his best. The plot was also fairly unique, given the circumstances, and the ending was a clever wrap-up of Gero's and Orange's plot. There's a lot going on in the subtext of this story. Hopefully I was able to uncover at least some of it in this review. This story is so clearly above what most writers have produced on this site, that I can only compare it to the best one-shots Destructivedisk and myself have written. I don't know of any other one-shots from other people that compare. And quite frankly, this story is better than some of our one-shots too. It's a pretty great story; I enjoyed reading it, particularly after shitstain that was the last story I reviewed.
Final Rating: A+
- The introduction of the character names in chapter 1 was subtly done.
- There's some decent characterization and exposition in chapter 1.
- The dialogue in chapter 2 is an improvement over chapter 1. The characterization is overall decent, but nothing extraordinary or worth writing home about.
- Goku using instant transmission to spook Negi accidentally was a cool moment and felt very much in the flavor of Dragon Ball.
- Chapter 2 was paced better than chapter 1. It was still only 800 words and lacked substantial scene direction or any fights, which could have made it more interesting.
- I like that the Arcosian lands in Yunzibit heights. A minor detail yes, but this keeps it in the flavor of Dragon Ball and hints at some possible themes related to him.
- Despite Nitro's first line of dialogue being utterly atrocious, his ensuing conversation with Negi is okay. I like how fast they get to fighting. If this was in DBZ, it would have taken an entire episode for Nitro to explain who he is and then begin the fight. While some of that characterization is missing, it is nice to see them start fighting quickly.
- This isn't really a pro, but it's not really a con either: Nitro's fight with Negi was okay, but a little boring. The choreography could use some work, though it wasn't terrible. It reads like the author doesn't know how to choreograph a fight scene, and that lack of quality shows. Still, a fight is a fight, and it's hard to make one of those bad, so it was still okay.
- Goku's fight against Nitro had some good choreography. It's a definite improvement over the previous fight.
- Goten and Trunks not being able to form Gotenks was a good, original move.
- Killing Trunks was quite a good idea. It provides a shocking plot twist and reveals quite a bit about Nitro's character. Whenever a single plot point can serve multiple purposes, it is a success.
- It's interesting how Nitro gets so physically ruined as the fight goes on. The other characters don't get such gruesome injuries. His mouth guard shattering is particularly disgusting, but it's cool too.
- "Female Voice: Still getting over him, right?" - this line of dialogue is weak.
- "Female Voice: He's dead, Negi! You killed him, remember?" - another weak line of dialogue. This opening chapter could use some editing. The dialogue isn't horrible overall, but something is off about the whole chapter. It's not quite there.
- The first chapter is too short. The pacing is off in this story overall. Many of the chapters could and should be combined.
- "His eyes are closed, he's only wearing a diper," - diaper is misspelled.
- Neither Separi's nor Negi's hair is described in this story so saying the baby's hair looks like theirs is not saying anything at all.
- Parigor is a subpar name.
- Parigor's dialogue seems a bit sophisticated for his age. I mean, if he's still in a crib, I don't imagine he would be responding "okay" when his father tells him something.
- I imagine Barren is pretty strong. Dinosaurs shouldn't have power levels over a couple dozen, so him getting scarred by one is nonsensical at best.
- Parigor's name is just a mix of Negi's and Separi's names. That's a terrible idea. And also, that's not an obvious pun (neither of their names has a "gor" in it). It's forced that Barren immediately notices that.
- "The gang walks in, and are immediatley spotted by the group." - this is terrible scene direction. "Immediately" is also misspelled.
- So Negi is Goku's child. It's not a good name for a son of his. His name should begin with a "go" at the very least.
- "Negi and the others turn around, to see Vegeta standing aloof as he always is, looking daggers at Parigor." - "looking daggers" should be "staring daggers".
- The ending of chapter two is either bad or unclear or both. The way it reads, it implies that everyone senses Piccolo, Tien, and Krillin coming. They should not be shocked at those characters' power levels (compared to how strong all of them should be). If that ending is meant to have Piccolo, Tien, and Krillin also sensing a mysterious ki power, then the scene direction is merely worded poorly.
- "He is in a transformation similar to Coolers," - "Coolers" should be "Cooler's".
- "Also, there is a simple color switch." - this is too vague. Scene direction should be specific and alert the readers to what is going on. What color switch is occuring? Why even mention a color switch if we don't get to know what that color switch is?
- Nitro's opening line of dialogue is awful. Every word of it needs to be re-written.
- "Negi charges forward, swiming his fist," - "swiming" should be "swinging", I think.
- "Negi than brings his hands toghether and fires a Eraser Cannon at close range." - "than" should be "then". "Toghether" should be "together.
- "Nitro then grabs Negi's shoulders and headbutts him, then tossing him up into the air and flying straight at him." - "tossing" and "flying" should be "tossed" and "flew".
- "However, it gives Negi the time he needs to bring his hands toghether and bring them both down on Nitro's head." - "together" is misspelled.
- "Negi than extends his arms and creates two rather large Eraser Cannons." - "than" should be "then".
- The Eraser Cannon move is overused. Within a few paragraphs of the fight, Negi has already used that attack four times. That is really poor, repetitive writing, and it shows a startling lack of creativity.
- "He then brings his arms toghether, also merging the Erasers." - "together" is misspelled. It is now becoming abundantly clear that this isn't a typo... Zeon actually thinks that is how to spell "together". Completely unacceptable.
- "Nitro than wraps his tail around Negi's body, punching him repeatedly in the stomach." - "than" should be "then".
- "Unbknowest to the group, Negi arrives the moon," - "arrives the moon" should be "arrives at the moon" or something similar.
- The others should still be able to sense Negi. They shouldn't think he's dead. This is needless, illogical drama.
- "Goku transforms into a Super Saiyan 3, and launches himself at Nitro, landing a double blow on the Ice-jinns back." - "Ice-jinns" should be "Ice-jinn".
- Ice-jinn itself is a bad name, but the double n makes no sense. There is only one n in the Japanese "jin", so I don't get why it's doubled up here if it's merely an import of that word.
- "Goku, with Separi a little bit away, stand over Nitro as he pulls himself back." - there's a missing "up" at the end of that sentence. Also, "stand" should be "stands".
- "Goku puts his hands toghether, and brings them both down on Nitro's head, sending the Ice-jinn to the floor." - "together" is misspelled again.
- "Nitro: Foolish one, how dare you challange me? " - terrible line of dialogue. "Challange" should be "challenge". I can't believe Zeon is making this many spelling mistakes. It's embarrassing.
- The way everyone steps in to save the previous fighter is not in the flavor of Dragon Ball. Goku and Vegeta both step in too quickly for my tastes.
- No mention of if Vegeta goes Super Saiyan. He would need to go at least Super Saiyan 2 to have any chance in that fight, yet the scene direction makes no mention of it. That is sloppy.
- "Nitro then rolls over, firing a close Ki blast directly on Vegeta's face." - "on" should be "at".
- "Nitro: Your... persistance... is really... TICKING ME OFF!" - another bad line of dialogue. "Persistence" is also misspelled as "persistance".
- "A scene of the moon, quite and peaceful." - this is not a sentence. "Quiet" is also misspelled. Really sloppy stuff here.
- I don't know anything about Razen, but being a son of a Kai and a Saiyan is a horrific idea. Kais are born of the fruit of great trees on their homeworld. They can't mate with other beings because of that. They have a completely unique and incompatible way of breeding.
- "At 100%, he is easily stronger than a Super Saiyan 3." - this is an irritating statement that I see a lot of people use. "X person is stronger than Super Saiyan ___". It shows a complete lack of basic Dragon Ball knowledge. Every Super Saiyan has a different power level. SS Goku in the Frieza Saga is nothing compared to SS Goku in the Majin Buu Saga. Their power levels are so drastically different they can't be realistically compared. So to make such a statement above is utterly fucking useless. It's a waste of words. A Super Saiyan 3's power depends on that Saiyan's base power level, which can vary quite significantly. This shows a clear lack of quality control on Zeon's part.
- Rasen's healing ball is lazy writing. Yes, senzu beans are used in DB and many fanons, but they are often foreshadowed or take a struggle to get, none of which happens here.
- Parigor's Super Saiyan transformation is laughably bad.
- Parigor's "Gohan rage" moment was poor writing. It was poor writing when Gohan did it in DBZ, and it's poor writing here. It's actually worse here, since Gohan never got anywhere near the power level boost that Parigor did. I smell a Gary Stu.
- "Several moments pass, and then Nitro reappers, kneeing Parigor in the jaw, sending him crashing back, detrasnforming." - "detransforming" is misspelled.
- "Angry, he lifts himself up in the air." - "Angry" should be "Angrily".
- "n space, Negi and Goku lower their hands, having just fired off an enourmous Kamehameha" - "enormous" is misspelled.
- Negi saying "I hope so." after Rasen says "That didn't kill him." is a really bad exchange of dialogue.
- Goku's instant transmission Kamehameha should have been foreshadowed.
- I don't get why Nitro threw everyone to the moon. Seems like forced plot to me.
- I don't get why Razen isn't helping Goku and Negi fight Nitro. Granted, I haven't read Zeon's other story, "Breaking Bad", so I'm not sure if it was explained there, but it should be explained here too either way.
- "Negi pulls himself back." - this sentence is missing an "up" at the end.
- Enough with the Eraser Cannons already. Negi needs more techniques. It's fucking repetitive and boring as fuck.
- "It's power is so large that the Earth even shakes, thousands of miles away." - "It's" should be "Its".
- "Cuts to inside the beam, where Nitro is struggling to keep his footing against the enourmas power." - "enourmas" should be "enormous".
- "The light slowly fades, and Negi descends slowly from to the ground(how did he get up there?)" - this sentence is a complete mess. There's a missing word and no space before the first parenthesis.
- The impression I get is that Goku literally just taught Negi and Razen the fusion dance as Nitro watched them. This is terrible writing, very forced, and highly unrealistic. Nitro has shown in the past that he doesn't like fusions or letting his foes do what they want. Why would he now sit back? The answer is Zeon needed Razen and Negi to transform. There is literally no logic to it. This is easily one of the worst moments so far.
- If Negi used up all of his power, how is he close to Razen's power level?
- "He then charges forward, delivering several large punches that cause shockwaves." - what the hell is a large punch? That is an awful description.
- "A pure white space." - that is not a fucking sentence.
- "Negi, most of clothes still missing but breathing, floats up, into this white space." - there's a missing word in that sentence.
- Broly is embarrassingly out-of-character in the penultimate chapter. It's like Zeon doesn't even know who Broly is. He sure wasn't writing for Broly. That was an OC if I've ever seen one.
- Broly's conversation with Negi is too short to have any impact or worth. This entire story feels rushed, and their conversation is a microcosm of all that is wrong with the pacing.
- The Broly/Negi scene is a poor ripoff of the scene with Harry and Dumbledore in the last Harry Potter book.
- Negi going Legendary Super Saiyan is hands down the worst move I've read in this story. It's terrible for two main reasons - for one, there should only be one LSS every 1000 years, and if Broly was Negi's father, it hasn't been 1000 years yet; another reason is that it's a classic deus ex machina move, and it's boring because of that. You think I'm supposed to be impressed by deus ex machina? Get the fuck out of here. I'm not going to praise amateur hour. Also, since Negi was nearly killed before he went LSS, it's a complete asspull that he had enough power to transform at all and that once transformed, he had enough power to defeat Nitro.
- "Negi slowly descends again, back at base." - there should be a "form" at the end of that sentence.
- The last chapter is way too short.
- Trunks being wished back shows how his death meant nothing. This is bad writing. It really shows how nothing in this story has mattered at all. The Dragon Balls are a band-aid, a quick fix, and they encourage bad plotting in the hands of bad writers. In the case of this story, that is exactly what happened.
- Nitro is a failure as a villain. He is not characterized, given a cliched, "trying-to-be-badass" backstory, and has atrocious dialogue. There's not one good or interesting thing about him aside from watching him getting physically ruined as the story progresses. Otherwise, he is much inferior to other Arcosians on this wiki. Take for example Yuki. She serves a similar role as Nitro, and yet she is a much superior character. They really can't even be compared because Yuki is so much better. If you've read Dragon Ball: Cold Vengeance, you would remember that even though Yuki is introduced there and doesn't have a lot of time to be characterized, her dialogue, her history, and her actions all work towards showing who she is as a character. She has an interesting backstory and a clear personality. Nitro has none of those, and he's a shitty character because of it. If a story doesn't have a good villain, the story itself cannot hope to be any good.
- The chapter names in this story are bland, boring, uninspired.
- There was, overall, very little character development or use of themes, symbols, or other things of literary worth.
- This story was basically just a fight scene, and not a particularly good one at that. The repetitiveness of using big ki blasts to briefly make it appear as if the opponent had been killed was overused more than I've ever seen in a story, especially considering that this one is only 4500 words long (shorter than chapter 10 of TGW!).
Final Thoughts: This story has major flaws. The writing itself appears, on first glance, to be quite good. However, there are numerous spelling and grammar errors that are just unacceptable. Zeon's inability to spell "together" and "enormous" is just ridiculous. From a content perspective, this story has no plot. In that way, it's like much of DBZ (so who can fault him?!), but even then, it's just a rehash of what was done better in DBZ. The pacing of this story is one of its greatest flaws. Almost everything is rushed (the fight between Nitro and Negi starting so quickly was one of the only times the sped up pacing was a good thing); chapter lengths are not balanced. The dialogue was rushed, not allowing for adequate character development or characterization. There were no themes presented. Nitro was a rehashed version of Frieza/Cooler. Negi, Parigor, and Separi had very little personality (none outside of the first two chapters). The canon characters had absolutely no personalities. Trunks' death was at first a good move, but his effortless revival was a poor move showing how nothing in this story mattered. The fight itself was extremely repetitive. The choreography was bland, and the overuse of massive ki attacks (particularly the Eraser Cannon, which must've been used at least fifty times) showed a lack of creativity. Parigor's SS transformation, Razen's and Negi's fusion, Negi's LSS transformation, and the way Nitro died were all stale tropes seen in DBZ already. There was nothing new added. They weren't written better than what was in DBZ. There weren't any twists that made them cool. There was nothing. This story, more than anything else, failed at entertaining me. It was overwhelmingly boring. I felt very little while reading this story, aside from anger when I got to a few of the worst parts, and that is the greatest failure a story can have. If a story cannot make me feel, it has failed more so than even a supremely horrible story like Dragonball Unlimated. This is a great example of a horrible story that has some legitimate pros and isn't written by a drunk three year old orangutan. More than anything, that I did not have a strong emotional reaction to it says a lot about Zeon as a writer.
Final Rating: E
- Not a bad opening poem. I see it's inspired by the TF poems, which is of course cool to me.
- The dialogue is very good overall. It's in-character and not outlandish. I think Pan has the strongest dialogue, and Goku Jr.'s immaturity is captured well in his words, as is Vegeta Jr.'s arrogance in his.
- The fight between Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. in chapter 1 was entertaining. It was a bit heavy on the ki blasts and could have used some more physical attacks, but overall I quite enjoyed it.
- The mention of Mr. Satan is nice. I like how we know that Mr. Satan isn't that great of a fighter (though, for a human, he was), but the characters don't seem to know that. The ironic disparity between reality and perception here is well-written.
- "Okay then, bring me to this Mount Paozu place." - great line of dialogue here. Really captures the "Vegeta" in Vegeta Jr.
- Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. having the flying contest in chapter 3 was a good subtle way to show their rivalry extends to even minor things such as who gets to Goku's house first.
- Pan's emotional outburst was well-written and gives her a nice character parallel with Chi-Chi.
- I also liked how Vegeta Jr. got mad at Pan's outburst. It's a little thing, but it's quite clever.
- Opening scene of the fourth chapter presented some good characterization for Vegeta Jr.
- Good callback to I believe Gohan with Goku Jr. asking the butterfly his name. I think Gohan said this in DBZ early in the going, but I'm not entirely sure. I could have been Goku himself in DB. But regardless, good reference and good characterization here.
- There seems to be a mystery about why Goku and Vegeta are still alive and what they are up to. If this turns out to be true, that will be cool. I'm not sure if it is, though.
- I like that Goku offered to train Instru. Good characterization moment there.
- Good characterization of Goku Jr. at the end of chapter 6 with the kid being scared about the World Martial Arts Tournament and his competition. I like that he wants to get stronger too, as that shows his Saiyan genes.
- It was cool how as Vegeta and Goku were training Vegeta Jr. and Goku Jr., they started sparring themselves. Funny moment, and it also provided some nice fighting for Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. to take notes from.
- "RIGHT NEXT TO GOKU JR'S TV IS AN OPEN WINDOW WITH A GENTLY BREEZE BLOWING THROUGH HIS CURTAINS" - "GENTLY" should be "GENTLE".
- "GOKU JR. WALKS OUT THE BACK DOOR, AND THEN GASP WHEN HE SEE'S VEGETA JR. IN THE BACKYARD" - "GASP" should be "GASPS".
- "VEGETA JR. PUTS ON A SMIRK WHEN GOKU JR. GASPED" - "GASPED" should be "GASPS".
- I think Vegeta Jr. and Goku Jr. could have been introduced to one another a bit better. Perhaps having a few lines of dialogue between them would have improved the scene.
- Goku needing to go get his Gi seemed like it had a purpose, but it ultimately didn't, so I don't see why that scene was included in the opening chapter at all.
- I don't like how Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. have unlocked Super Saiyan without any explanation. It was bad in GT (though Goku Jr.'s was later shown - and the way he got it in his movie wasn't a good reason for him to get, Super Saiyan, in my opinion), and it's bad here. The form itself is cheapened when it's just given to people without them earning it. For the readers, this lowers expectations and makes the reading all that more unsatisfying. I don't care that they have Super Saiyan now - it's not impressive at all - and that should never be the case with such an awesome transformation.
- "AND THAN STARTS TO CONCENTRATE HIS KI IN HIS HANDS AND THROW IT AT VEGETA JR." - "THAN" should be "THEN".
- "PAN'S THOUGHT WERE INTERRUPTED" - "THOUGHT" should be "THOUGHTS".
- "Hey, you're not that bad, since the last time I fought you. Hehe." - these lines of dialogue make no sense.
- The first chapter ended awkwardly, with Vegeta Jr. flying off and there seeming to be no purpose to the sparring match. I wish there was a hint at the greater plot of this saga at the end of the first chapter, and Pan was the perfect person to introduce that.
- Sometimes the Jr. following Goku or Vegeta's names doesn't have a period after it. Be sure to stay consistent in that regard.
- "HE THAN YAWNS" - "THAN" should be "THEN".
- "VEGETA JR. LOOKS AT GOKU JR. WITH A SLIGHT GRIM" - "GRIM" should be "GRIN", I think.
- I would like the reason Goku Jr.'s parents aren't around to be mentioned.
- I feel like some of the scenes in this story don't really serve a purpose, like the opening to chapter 2. I understand it may be an attempt to show the bond between Goku Jr. and Pan, but that bond was already shown in chapter 1, so this is redundant. The opening scene doesn't actually add anything to plot or the characterization of the characters.
- "I he was the strongest person in the universe" - there's a typo in this sentence.
- Why wouldn't Vegeta Jr. know about Vegeta and Goku - I can understand why Pan might want to keep that info from Goku Jr., but she has no control over lil Vegeta.
- "MAHITO, AND EIGO COMES UP TO VEGETA JR. AND GOKU JR." - "COMES" should be "COME".
- Mahito and Eigo could have used a better introduction.
- Vegeta Jr. shooting a ki blast at Eigo was ridiculous. That should have killed the boy. It was careless and didn't seem like it was in the spirit of the universe.
- Mahito had no role in the confrontation with Vegeta Jr. and Goku Jr. He should have had a line or two at the very least. He wasn't even described in the scene direction apart from his first mention.
- "I will get you one day for this, Dorks!" - don't capitalize dorks there.
- No explanation for why Vegeta Jr. walked home with Goku Jr.
- "Goku, a Long-Time House Guess!" - "Guess" should be "Guest".
- There's a lot of needless filler to open the third chapter. That space could have been better used for characterization (not redundancy and filler).
- "THEY BOTH START LAUGHING BUT THEN QUICKLY NOTICES THAT THEY'RE THERE." - "NOTICES" should be "NOTICE".
- "I'm right in back of you! " - should be "I'm right behind you!".
- Goku's reveal was a bit of a let down, I must say. It happened too quickly.
- "You could go Super Saiyan!" - "could" should be "can".
- "Goku:<SMILING> Whoa! Vegeta I never knew you could go Super Saiyan as well!" - this line annoys me because Goku doesn't know Vegeta Jr. and he said as much just a few lines back. A real person wouldn't say that above line to someone they had never met before.
- "We're having Sushi tonight!" - sushi should not capitalized.
- I must say that now that we are three chapters in, I wish there would be some semblance of a plot... anything that the story is building towards. It seems to be wandering aimlessly up to this point. And wandering aimlessly is not a bad thing if it is not the only type of plot used. I don't have a problem with this method used for the first couple of chapters, but now through three chapters, there's no villain and nothing we are yet building towards, and that concerns me. Even if a villain and plot come up later, it would have been nice to foreshadow and build up to them from the early chapters.
- There's no explanation for why chapter four went back in time 99 years
- "THE BUTTERFLY FLAPS IT'S WINGS AND FLIES AWAY" - "IT'S" should be "ITS".
- "Because they're Butterflies you idiot!" - butterflies should not be capitalized.
- "You see, the rule is, you cant go Super Saiyan!" - "cant" should be "can't".
- "I recommend you take off as much weights as possibly." - "possibly" should be "possible".
- The Prince of Saiyans things annoys me. Let's be real - Vegeta became the king as soon as his father died. But because his race perished, he didn't care to become king, as that was an empty title. He held onto his old title of prince for personal reasons that say a lot about his character. I don't think he would pass down this title of Prince of the Saiyans to Vegeta Jr. Sure, Vegeta Jr. is royalty, but he's not the prince, since Vegeta wasn't the king and the Saiyan government no longer exists. The whole scene feels off to me. I think it makes sense if Vegeta Jr. says he's royalty, but it's OOC for Vegeta to pass down his Prince of all Saiyans title.
- "Because my Grandpa said that I came from a bloodline of Saiyan's" - "Saiyan's" should be "Saiyans".
- "N-n-n-no... I could g-get up... I-I-I cold do t-this... " - "could" and "cold" should be "can".
- "VEGETA JR. AND GOKU JR. BOTH ABSORBS" - ABSORBS" should be "ABSORB".
- The fight between Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. was too short, and it went to the massive energy attacks too quickly. If you watch a lot of DBZ and DBGT fights, you will notice that a lot more punching and physical attacks occur, and that style should be emulated more consistently here. For one, it's more interesting than just going to the big energy attacks at once, and it's also a cleaner, more logical way to fight to mix in a lot of physical attacks with a few ki attacks.
- "Okay Goku, here's the deal, we can both go Super Saiyan unless, I can raise the gravity up to 300X Normal Earth Gravity. Deal?" - these lines don't make any sense. I think the first can should be a can't, but I'm not entirely sure.
- I don't like how Goku Jr. easily mastered the 200x gravity, while Vegeta Jr. and literally everyone else in the history of DB who trained in gravity had to spend quite a bit of time building up a tolerance to the higher gravity.
- "GOKU JR. AND VEGETA JR. FIRST TRIES TO PUNCH EACH OTHER" - "TRIES" should be "TRY".
- "GOKU JR. TOOK THE ADVANTAGE" - "TOOK" should be "TAKES".
- "It could had been worst!" - "worst" should be "worse".
- "HIS HANDS TO STARTS TO BLEED AND SO DOES GOKU JR'S HANDS." - "DOES" should be "DO".
- "I cant believe it." - "cant" should be "can't".
- Goku Jr. has not had any hardships through the first four chapters. He's won every fight he's been in. Quite frankly, he's a Gary Stu, and it's getting really old watching him never fail at anything. Him always beating Vegeta Jr. at the last second is not interesting to read.
- "Now, I want to train you so you can achieve the next level of the Super Saiyan Form." - awkward line.
- "This is where I trained to fight that Android... " - should say "the androids", not "that Android".
- Vegeta's dialogue, in general, in chapter 5 is bad.
- Vegeta and Vegeta Jr. wouldn't realistically train with massive ki attacks to start their battle in chapter 5. Shows a lack of awareness on how fighting works.
- "Heh! You can barely land a punch on me! You might as well give up. Right here, right now." - Vegeta says this after not a single punch was thrown. Literally all they did was hurl energy blasts at one another, which I mentioned in the previous con. But Vegeta doesn't even seem to realize that he wasn't actually sparring with Vegeta Jr.
- Vegeta suddenly looking away from Vegeta Jr., allowing Vegeta Jr. to punch him, was poorly-written. Vegeta Jr.'s power level is laughable - he shouldn't even have SS with a power level of 2,200. But to think that he could even land a punch on Vegeta with that power level (admittedly augmented by going SS) is terrible writing. The only way he could land a punch, even against an un-powered up base Vegeta would be if Vegeta let him.
- Vegeta Jr. making Vegeta bleed with his laughable power level is garbage writing. It shows a startling lack of understanding of this universe.
- Vegeta Jr. managing to knock out Vegeta is just infuriating to read. It's like if Chiaotzu took out SS3 Broly. It just makes no sense. It's incoherent, ignores the power levels of both individuals, and has no entertainment value whatsoever.
- Chapter 5 was very disappointing overall. The story up to this point has had its pros and cons, but this chapter was a total con. It had nothing good in it, and the cons were significant. This chapter has severely negatively shaped my opinion of the overall story.
- "Did you hear that The World Martial Arts Tournament is going to start soon, Puck." - sentence should end with a question mark.
- The Puck/Goku Jr. scene needs some serious editing. I can see the plot moving like it's an outline, not like it's prose. Everything is forced. The dialogue needs to be more natural (why would sissies join the world tournament? That's a ridiculous thing to say, and if it's unexplained, it's incoherent), and the plot itself doesn't make much sense.
- If Puck was Goku Jr.'s good friend, and if we are supposed to care about him, he should have been mentioned before the sixth chapter. He's introduced as Goku Jr.'s friend who is moving. There's no time to care about him or wonder how good a friend to Goku Jr. he actually is, since after that short, random scene, he's never seen again.
- "I've to train. The Tournament is just around!" - this is a bad line of dialogue.
- Goku Jr. preparing to hit Eigo with a ki blast is again not consistent with the universe or his personality. A ki blast is an insane attack that will kill any human. Goku Jr. just casually using one on Eigo shows that the author doesn't seem to understand the inherent power of even the weakest ki blasts.
- "GOKU JR. SENSES THE POWER LEVEL, AND THEN OPENS UP ONE EYE TO PEAK AT IT." - "PEAK" should be "PEEK".
- "Alright. Grab into me." - this line needs to be re-written. It's incoherent. I know it's not a typo, because this same phrase is used in the very next sentence.
- "You most be an Namekian." - this sentence should be "You must be a Namekian.".
- Instru said he had a mother and a father. This is not correct, and is a non-canon friendly error, as Namekians are asexual. He has only a father.
- I don't like Goku vs. Goku Jr. when Instru is watching. Goku going SS2 and getting in a beam struggle with Goku Jr. is out of character for both of them. Goku in SS2 is so much more powerful than Goku Jr., even in SS1, that the fight would be over instantly. There's no chance at a beam struggle. The author is just showing a lack of understanding about how power levels work, which was also seen when Vegeta and Vegeta Jr. fought in the previous chapter. These fights would not be nearly as close as they are being portrayed, even if Goku wasn't powered up pretty much at all.
- "GOKU AND INSTRU SEE'S GOKU JR. LIMPING TOWARDS THEM" - "SEE'S" should be "SEE".
- "Than you just train for two weeks until the tournament!" - "Than" should be "then". That sentence is also missing a word, I think.
- "The form that you saw during our sparr was my Super Saiyan 2 form." - "sparr" should be "spar".
- Honestly, I'm not sure who these tournament fighters are that everyone is worried about. With power levels of 2000+ plus SS transformations, Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. should be several thousand times stronger than their nearest competition. Humans rarely get above a power level of 100. If there are going to be atypical humans or aliens or other beings, these beings should have already been introduced, and their atypical power levels should have been explained. The kids in Goku Jr.'s school, who he always is fighting with, are nothing. They shouldn't have power levels above 3 or 4. So who is Goku Jr. worried about? Without a villain or a defined opponent, this story's dramatic value suffers, and the plot itself doesn't really seem to be there. This story would be much better with a villain, with a more defined plot. All they've been doing up to this point is training, training, training. I want to see something else.
- "HE THAN STARTS TO POWER-UP, AND HIS AURA TURNS INTO A THICK AND POWERFUL RED" - "THAN" should be "THEN", and there should be a word after "RED".
- "VEGETA GRABS GOKU'S FIST AND TRANSFORM INTO A SUPER SAIYAN" - "TRANSFORM" should be "TRANSFORMS".
- "Than what are we waiting for!" - "Than" should be "Then", and the sentence should end with a question mark.
- Vegeta Jr. is really dumb. I don't know why he's so dumb. Thinking that he and Goku Jr. should attack SS4 Goku and Vegeta is one of the stupidest decisions I've ever seen someone make. Considering he can sense power levels, he knows - there is no guesswork, no ambiguity here - that Goku and Vegeta are millions of times stronger than his maximum power. Why the hell would he attack them, then?
- Goku Jr. should not have been able to hit SS4 Vegeta.
- "You can't even land a punch on my Grand- Upgh!" - it's quotes like these that make me mad. Goku Jr. literally just punched Vegeta. It was described. It happened. Vegeta Jr. just said something that is false, a mere sentence after that thing happened. Come on, this is really poor writing.
- "<GETTING PUSHED BACK< w-whoa!" - typo alert.
- "DEFORMS INTO HIS NORMAL FORM" - "DEFORMS" should be "DE-TRANSFORMS".
- What a surprise. Goku Jr. beats Vegeta Jr. in chapter 7. This is so boring. I don't understand what is so hard to grasp - so many authors do this. Having your protagonist beat his arch rival every time they fight, over and over again, is not entertaining to read. It's Stuish. It's amateurish. It shows a clear lack of writing ability. And quite frankly, it's repetitive. It's boring as all hell because the same thing happens chapter after chapter. Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. fight. Goku Jr. wins. He is gracious. Vegeta Jr. is angry and insults Goku Jr. and says that he will grow stronger. This has happened like five times already - this exact thing, this exact formula. Very bad writing here.
- "Than I'll be ready for that!" - "Than" should be "then".
- Vegeta Jr. said he was staying behind to train. Then Goku Jr. asks if he wants to race back to Pan's house and Vegeta Jr. agrees. It's as if the author doesn't know what they wrote a sentence before. There are so many inconsistencies like this that it isn't just an isolated error. This is a major problem with the author and their story.
- Instru was completely absent from chapter 7. Given his introduction in chapter 6 and the fact that Goku wanted him to train with Goku Jr., there is no reason he was not present in this chapter to at least watch the fighting.
- "THE SCREEN FADES OFF OF WHILE GOKU AND VEGETA FLY OFF" - this sentence doesn't make sense.
- I mean, it's just laughable. Laughable. Absolutely garbage writing. Vegeta Jr.'s punch is even significantly weaker than Goku Jr.'s. I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed. I expected this story to get better as time went on, not get worse.
- No explanation for why Takeshi can fly and is so powerful. Humans aren't powerful by nature - a power level of even 100 is exceptionally rare for a human. So if all of these kids are magically going to be very strong, there needs to be an explanation. Even if Takeshi lost rather easily, he could still use ki blasts (he made Goku Jr. bleed!) and had incredible speed. He's just a human kid. That is utterly insane. He's overpowered to a massive extent.
- "And lets not forget" - "lets" should be "let's".
- Satoshi and Kazumi should have been introduced earlier in the story. They suddenly have a massive scene in chapter 9 for no reason, really. All this dialogue for no reason either. They needed to be introduced earlier for this to be an effective scene. It's entirely random - two new characters suddenly thrust into the protagonist roles out of nowhere for no clear reason. It's bad writing.
- "I'm gamed" - "gamed" should be "game".
- "KAZUMI GRABS THE ORB RIGHT WHEN ITS NEAR HER" - "ITS" should be "IT'S".
- "ONCE SATOSHI'S KI BLAST WERE THE SIZE OF BASKETBALLS" - "WERE" should be "IS", "BASKETBALLS" should be "BASKETBALL".
- It goes without saying, but both Kazumi and Satoshi are insanely overpowered individuals, and it's incredibly poor writing that their insane power has no explanation.
Final Thoughts: I am disappointed in this story. It started off well enough. I would say the first four chapters were decent - good even. And then the next five chapters came (I have only reviewed the first nine chapters, as those were the only ones completed at the time of this review). Those five chapters significantly altered my view of this story. I would say the vast majority of my pros for this story came from the first four chapters, and I had very few good things to say about it afterwards. The writing got repetitive. Goku Jr. always beat Vegeta Jr. Their dialogue was the same every chapter. There's no villain, very little plot, and much of what exists isn't explained. Goku and Vegeta being around is not explained. Takeshi, Kazumi, Satoshi, and the other humans' power levels are completely unexplained. Why are they are suddenly hundreds (if not thousands) of times stronger than Mr. Satan? This is not accurate to the world of Dragon Ball. I'm not saying it's impossible for the kids to be that strong, but having so many that strong and having none of it explained is horrendous writing. There are many spelling errors in this story, and I am disappointed by the fight scenes overall. The penchant for going to massive ki blasts at once is not accurate for how people spar and is not entertaining to read. Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. being able to hurt their grandfathers while their grandfathers are significantly powered up is also inaccurate and poor writing. And don't even get me started on Instru, the random Namekian who apparently has a mother and a father (which is, by definition, a non-canon thing) and was introduced in one chapter before disappearing completely. It's the stuff like that that shows that this story lacks any quality control and needs serious editing, planning, and re-writing. There are so many errors in this story that the author needs to take a look at it, perhaps outline the chapters, change things, and look towards improving the latter half of the story to align it with the quality of the first half. Once again I want to say how disappointed I am with this story. It started out promising and went completely off the rails in chapter 5 and onward. It could have been a good story - it was going down the path towards being one of the best stories on this site. But then, about halfway through, the story lost any semblance of quality. And that's a shame. But as it stands now, Dragon Ball AGT is not a story I would recommend, and not a story I feel was worth reading.
Final Rating: D-
- Nice characterization of Gero. I like that he's has aesthetic inclinations, for that balances his logical and creative sides rather well.
- I like that Android 19 doesn't have an appearance because Gero has gotten some artist's block. Weird, but cool, and very logical.
- Why would Gero make his Android 20 replica much taller than him? This perhaps shows that he has some insecurities about himself. This is some nice, subtle characterization.
- Good foreshadowing in this story. Lines like "not taking any time to savor his last moments of humanity" and "Android 19's nudity felt like a constant scratching on the back of his brain, along with that accursed whirring sound" are good examples of this.
- The struggle for Gero in his new android body - not being able to feel anything - is quite the unique idea. This is a great way to characterize him in a way that I've never seen another author do.
- Gero trying to remember feeling things is a cool idea. All he has are memories, which are signs of his humanity. Funny how he seems to both embrace and discard his humanity, perhaps not fully realizing the consequences of doing either one.
- Gero seeing his blood on Android 19's hands is nice moment for Gero himself to see the contrast between life and machine. It's interesting that he's wanted so bad to become a machine, to discard his old body, to have 19 wash off his hands and throw away Gero's blood and body and life when Gero's thoughts seem to show that he doesn't want to really be an android. He misses the uniqueness of life, the warmness of it. And now that he's locked in this cold shell, Gero's is waging an internal philosophical battle on life vs. machine.
- The theme on existentialism is very well-written. It works perfectly with this idea of if androids are alive or not. Gero, for all his love of androids, seems to realize, now that he is one, that they are not alive. And so that puts him in this quasi-living state. Really cool.
- Great contrast between the types of feeling. Certainly, Gero cannot feel anything physically, but he's feeling things, emotionally, more acutely than he ever was before. It's not lost on me the irony that by losing his ability to feel, Gero has become more in touch with his own thoughts and inner feelings.
- The phantom sensation of Gero's missing body is accurate, as many amputees have similar sensations. I'm sure his is much worse, because he lost his entire body. So that just makes his struggles that much harder. Very clever move here.
- The way Gero comes to choose Android 19's image is really well-written. There was good build up to it at the beginning of the story, when Gero was still in his body and still sane. Now, he's gone somewhat insane by becoming an android, and he makes the mistake he swore never to make - to make an ugly-as-fuck android. Android 19 is one of the stupidest-looking characters in DBZ, so this was great to read. On the one hand, it is of course mocking Toriyama, even if the story is canon-based, but on the other, it also does a good job to show how Gero has become less sane and less in-tune with his former aesthetic sensibilities. Great use of a canon moment to bring some fanon characterization to Gero.
- Cool moment when Android 19 finishes himself. This brings back the theme of what it means to exist and also shows how Gero has become more inept now that he's become an android. Maybe being human was what made him so special.
- Gero's insanity comes to a really funny, disgusting climax when he reaches in to feel his own brain. The brilliance of this move is that one cannot feel their brain anyway. So the last bit of him that he has, he can't even feel if he wanted to.
- The transition from Gero feeling his brain to the next paragraph made me laugh out loud.
- It's interesting, this question of life. 19, a non-living being, keeps Gero, a partially-living being, alive. And yet, for what? Gero has gone insane, and he's lost parts of his humanity while being drowned in depression by that which remains. It seems like it would be better for him to die.
- Great ending to this story, and a rather touching moment by Android 19. I particularly liked his characterization in this story. For a guy who has almost nothing written about him, even in canon, let alone in fanon, that was some nice, unique work. Him letting Gero have that last feeling, that last impulse of revenge, felt appropriate.
- Gero's overall arc in this story was very well-done. Despite how short this story is, Gero has a defined arc, with a climax and a resolution to his philosophical and personality issues. I'm sure he's not fully healed. He's never going to get over his loss of feeling and how that has isolated him from the world around him, but he is learning to deal with it, and it looks like his insanity has gone away a bit, perhaps, by the end of the story. So there is a sense of triumph and conclusion.
- Overall, this story is well-written. Not the best one-shot I've ever read, in terms of its prose, but it's very good. It's certainly up there with the best one-shots I've read from other users, though I would say the prose and the phrasing of sentences and the way the metaphors and comparison were written was probably the weakest overall part of this story.
- I don't think Gero would regard his androids as horrific abominations of science.
- "And so, the steely Doctor transferring his mind into an actual robot didn't seem like much of a stretch, to himself or anyone else" - two things: one, doctor shouldn't be capitalized (this error occurs in other places in the story as well), and why would anyone else be at the end? No one else knows he's making these androids.
- "he didn't look finished, present as a skeletal blob of wires, metal, circuits, and spinning mechanical parts that produced a whirring sound just loud enough make Gero twitch and grumble throughout his work. " - pretty sure "present" should be "presented".
- "Dammit, how could I be so arrogant" - needs a question mark at the end.
- "His motions began to grow childlike, as he continued to loose his grip on his surroundings, playfully pawing at everything around him, carelessly knocking over test tubes and pencils from his desks." - I don't like the flow of this sentence. I would split it into two sentences at least.
- "I thought removing my ability to feel would be the final step to making myself a completely logical being, to remove all sensuous desires from my life! But my intent was wrong, 19. My emotions drove me to arrogance, to wanting to appear practical and calculating instead of being so! Oh 19, what a fool I was, to think I wasn't flesh like the rest of them! I need to feel, 19! Oh, you wonderful marshmallow, you! If only I could feel, I could give you a big squeeze! Imagine how soft you must be!" - some of what Gero says here is nice and shows his insanity well. I just think some of the phrasing is awkward and cringe-worthy, like the marshmallow line and the one about sensuous desires. I don't think the concept with that quote was bad, just the execution.
Final Thoughts: This is a very good one-shot. Conceptually, it's brilliant, and the plot of it is one of the most unique things I've read on this site. The characterization of both 19 and 20, with the theme of existentialism being centerfold, was well-written. The stuff about Gero feeling physically vs. feeling emotionally was a crazy cool idea. I don't really have much I don't like about this story. Some of the dialogue and sentences were phrased awkwardly, and the prose itself was a bit too stark for my own tastes. But it's still a great one-shot. It's still up there with what Destructivedisk has done (aside from my own stories, I think DD's one-shots are easily the best one-shots on the site, though with the last two TUN has made, he may be closing in on DD a bit), though I don't think it's as good as the best Destructivedisk has ever written. A bit more poetic prose and some more fleshed out emotion in the text wouldn't hurt. Still, for such a short one-shot, this one has a remarkably cohesive arc, both plot-wise and character-wise. Great job, lil tunboy.
Final Rating: A+
- Good explanation for Garlic Jr. getting stronger.
- Garlic Jr.'s dialogue in chapter 1 is solid. I get a sense that the author of this story understands Garlic Jr.
- I do think Pan's death allows for a good character motivation for Goku Jr. in the following chapters, and him swearing to get revenge on Garlic Jr. as his mother dies is a moment that seems like it comes right out of Dragon Ball Z or GT.
- I think Goku Jr.'s speech in chapter 2 is well-written conceptually. There are some spelling and grammar errors, but I've noted that in the cons below. I think this speech sums up much of the story for me; it has some good ideas and some good execution, but it's also pretty sloppy in the details, which prevents me from fully enjoying it.
- The execution of the training scenes were very good. I especially liked how they saved the time chamber training until the last two days before the two years were up. That's quite clever.
- I appreciate that the pacing of this story is consistent and that the 2 years of training was summarized pretty quickly. Usually, training is boring to describe and write about (and also read about), which is why the manga and anime do such things in montage form for the most part; but in this story, given the lengths of the chapters, the quick summary at the end of chapter 2 is good in that it maintains the quicker pace of the rest of the story.
- I like how everyone learned different types of attacks. This is a good idea so that everyone will be able to distinguish themselves in battle.
- I liked how they confronted Garlic Jr. at the start of chapter 3. Has a real "Dead Zone" vibe to it, which I liked.
- I think the battles in chapter 3 are pretty decent, even though plot-wise they perhaps lack substance. Good detail, though, considering how condensed this story is. And considering how short each chapter is, the detail on the different attacks and fighting styles is excellent.
- Goku Jr.'s Super Saiyan 2 form was expected, but I think it was built up to well enough, given the universe.
- Opening fight in chapter 4 is pretty good. I like the detail and the fact that Goku Jr. and Vegeta try their best in their new transformations, but still fail. That is not something I see much in fanons these days; it's a really good anti-Stu move.
- Sometimes there aren't spaces after commas or periods (which there should be). A couple of examples: "Mr.Popo"; "dead zone.He"; "crystal,Garlic Jr.".
- Overall, I find the chapter names to be a bit uninspired.
- In chapter 1, there is consistent tense confusion. The prose often switches between present tense: "Mr.Popo is cleaning up the lookout..." vs. "Unfortunately after Popo broke the dark crystal,Garlic Jr. came out.". I would recommend putting everything in past tense, as I find that to be the most versatile tense while writing, but either past or present must be chosen; using both like this is an error.
- I don't think Mr. Popo's reasoning for destroying Garlic Jr.'s Dead Zone crystal was very logical.
- "and even though there powers were pretty high" - "there" should be "their".
- Pan, Puck, and the others were introduced very hastily. One second Garlic Jr. is descending from the Lookout, and halfway through the next sentence, Pan, Puck, and the others are all watching a tournament battle. Not sure which tournament this is, or what is going on, so more sentences to build up to this and clarify the plot would be good.
- A lot of proper nouns aren't capitalized (Pan's name, the Earth, stuff like that).
- I don't know why Garlic Jr. would give them two years to train. Cell gave the Z Fighters 10 days, and that was mostly so things would be interesting for him - Cell's character allowed for that. Garlic Jr., being a slave of pettiness and revenge, is not someone I would see doing something like this.
- I'm confused about if Pan is actually dead. If she is, why not just wish her back with the Dragon Balls instead of waiting two years to trust the word of a lying villain who says he can bring her back (and judging by his powers seen in his movie and filler arc, he doesn't have powers like that, so...)?
- "The first thing we have to to" - second "to" should be "do", I think.
- I don't think it's in the personality of Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. to threaten to kill Mamba, Susha, and Torgu if they don't help. I'm also not convinced that they need their help. I mean, both of them can go Super Saiyan, and Garlic Jr. shouldn't have any people with him, so I'm not sure some humans would be much help (considering the strongest humans ever, Tien and Krillin, took decades to reach like Captain Ginyu level strength).
- If this is alternate universe, as a note in chapter 2 suggests, all of the changes should be made clear so we know what we're getting into. I'm unclear as to what, if anything, is different in this reality.
- "After that Goku Jr. told puck,his group and the bear to go to Kame House (in this universe pan learned more about Goku's adventures) and after a goodbye,and Puck struggling to carry the bear,they set off to Kame house to train." - this sentence is awkward and should be split into two sentences.
- I think for future stories, having more professional prose should be a consideration. For example, an author would not put something like "Just going to say the techniques they learned." in a book. I think stuff like that detracts from the story. While the core elements of this story are intriguing, there's a lot of sloppiness in the details, such as the prose configuration, and I think that's something that could be easily addressed with more writing and editing practice.
- When doing blocks of dialogue (people speaking to one another for more than one line), each new person speaking should get a new paragraph for their dialogue.
- So yeah, now getting to chapter 3, I'm not sure I see the point of Puck and the others, or why they even trained to fight Garlic Jr. Since Goku Jr. and Vegeta Jr. are much stronger than the humans (and the humans had no chance of matching their powers), they surely would have known that the humans would have stood no chance against Garlic Jr., for they themselves were worried that they weren't strong enough. For this reason, I don't think it's in their characters to bring their friends and risk their lives like that.
- "He charged in to attack but Garlic Jr. dodged his slashes and punched a hole through it's stomach and he died." - the bear is male, so don't use pronouns like "it's" to describe him.
- Vegeta Jr. lacks a personality or a presence. He just mimics everything Goku Jr. does and doesn't have anything that he actually does on his own before going SS2. For that reason, his transformation felt a bit lazy, just like "well, if Goku Jr. gets SS2, Vegeta Jr. has to get it". Exploring his characterization and his friendships with those he lost would have given a good reason for him to transform, but there was no semblance of that in the text.
- When Garlic Jr. and Gogeta Jr. are fighting, I don't like how Garlic Jr. does his little "*Huff Huff*" things; that's scene direction, suitable for drama-format stories, such as TF. But in prose, you can just write out "Garlic Jr. huffed and huffed".
- I don't really like how the story ends, to be honest. Garlic Jr. just giving up when the boys injure him seems out-of-character. He's an evil villain; I didn't think he would go along with that plot and bring back everyone he killed. It just seems... bizarre. His goal was to destroy the Earth, Kami, and get revenge for his father. So him giving up his evil ways, leaving Earth, and not bothering anyone anymore is weird. Now, I'm not saying it's impossible. He could have had a change of heart in the dead zone, because he was in there for years. But if he has such a radical personality change, that's the kind of thing that needs to be documented in-text, so we the readers can experience his character growth.
Final Thoughts: This story has an interesting premise, and at its core, I was entertained by the fights. However, I think the prose could use some work. It's not really formal, and there are a lot of grammatical errors. My biggest problem with this story is Garlic Jr.'s motivations - he seems to be acting completely out-of-character for no discernible reason, and the ending of the story, while a natural consequence of his changed character at the beginning, felt unsatisfying because of that. This story had some nice character development for Goku Jr. (although there was none for Vegeta Jr.), and I particularly liked how even though he achieved Super Saiyan 2, he wasn't able to use that form to defeat Garlic Jr. There are some really unique storytelling moves, such as that, in this story, and that makes it memorable to me. I think with more practice and more focus, the author of this story can build off this one to produce some really great fanons.
Final Rating: C
- The Neo schools accepting the Namekians was given a decent explanation.
- The Terre Namekian thing is a decent idea.
- I like the idea of evil Namekians attacking Earth.
- I do like that as the Distoria clan gets more corrupted, they start producing Mutated Namekians.
- I just don't find anything compelling about the style of this story. It's a summary of events, not an actual story.
- It would be nice to have a better sense of time. It's not entirely clear if this all takes place after Mira invades New Namek (who are the others who are hunting for the New Namekian Dragon Balls, for instance?), or if this is an alternate universe at first. However, the more time goes it, it becomes clearer that this is not a canon story to the Dragon Ball Online timeline and must be AU. That should be made clear in the text.
- Puranetta Destoria is not a very good name for a villain.
- How half of the Namekian population got to Earth should be explained in better detail. Porunga "letting them" isn't very clear. Did they summon him? Did he act on his own power? What were the other wishes used for? Etc.
- Not sure what the Neo Turtle Hermit School and Neo Crane School are exactly... they aren't schools in Dragon Ball Online, so I'm not sure why the New Turtle School and New Crane Hermit School were not used.
- I don't see how any Namekian could die of dehydration given they can fly and should all have decent enough power levels to get to a body of water in a reasonable amount of time, even if they don't know where one is. Just seems like drama for the sake of drama, and I don't see the logic in it.
- "Others tried to convince Earthlings to make a reserve for them, to no avail" - no period at the end of this sentence. Also, they have the Dragon Balls, so they can make a new planet for themselves. Don't really get what's going on here. They could also go to uninhabited regions of Earth and make their own new place to live; I don't see why the humans have to be involved if these Namekians want to stay on Earth. However, they do not need to stay on Earth.
- "It was a chair found in Isuri Lake. A chair of the Demon King Piccolo from eons ago." - the second sentence is a fragment and should be combined with the first.
- The reason for why some Terre Namekians joined the Destoria clan after the Destoria clan found King Piccolo's chair doesn't make any sense. Why is that any reason for them to defect? There's a leap in logic here.
- "Because of this, he took any and all Earthlings as a threat and sent 20 members to attack the town of Tusuru in Age 886 in retaliation, in which they succeeded." - "in which" is not used correctly in this sentence.
- I don't get why it took the Neo schools so long to respond to the Namekian terrorism. As soon as they started attacking Earthlings, war would have broken out and it would have been settled in at most a year or so, if not far sooner.
- "He was killed as a warning to never attack the Earthlings again, and so they did." - did should be didn't, I think. If did is intended, it should be "but they would".
- So after the Neo-Distoria War, I'm still not certain why or how the Distoria clan became corrupted. Seems to be plot convenience more than realistic storytelling.
- "However, with this corruption and feeling of betrayal, their corruption ran through to their offspring." - this sentence is worded poorly. Additionally, what corruption? Who are they feeling betrayed by? They were just defeated in a war and almost all of their members were killed, so I do think they would feel betrayed by Bansuni for leading them to destruction, but I don't get how the first use of the word corruption has any meaning.
- If the chair is corrupting them/giving them power, which is fine by the way, I think that should be overtly stated. As it is, it's just weird that everyone is in such reverence of it (I'm not sure how they would know of King Piccolo to begin with, or even care who he was, as any member of the Distoria clan should be way stronger than he ever was) and that Naraka encases it in a tower. Also, why wasn't the chair taken from them in the previous war? If it wasn't, why would Naraka be worried now?
- "Pleased with the Mutated Namekians overwhelming power" - Namekians should be Namekians' or Namekians's, depending on the style preference.
- There is no logic behind Naraka waiting so long to birth an Eternal Dragon. Hell, there's no reason why Bansuri didn't do it himself. They're corrupted; they're evil. They should try to win at any cost, and an Eternal Dragon would help them to a ridiculous degree. Creating an Eternal Dragon shouldn't alert the humans, although summoning it might. But here's the deal: the humans already know where the Distoria clan is, and they would know that Naraka's building an army. Why would they let the corrupted Namekians just continue on for years and years, never keeping an eye on them or anything? It just wouldn't make sense. It also would make more sense than not that at least elite fighters in the Neo schools could sense energy, so they should have an idea that Naraka was building an army. I just don't see how such a big army could be crafted on Earth without anyone noticing or caring. That would be more of a red flag for the humans than the sky darkening and Mr. Poko Poko being summoned, in my opinion, as most warriors would probably not know what the sky darkening means.
- This story ends very anti-climatically.
Final Thoughts: Not a fan of this story, simply put. I don't like the summary style of the prose and I don't like the content very much at all. There's a lot of flaws in technique and narrative logic. Just overall, not a story that I am a fan of.
Final Rating: D-
- Miss Buu's personality is well-crafted.
- I think Buu expelling his emotions is a unique and well-written idea. The longing Majin is my favorite, but the other two are cool too.
- "Buu jumped up and down, shaking the foundation of his house and sending the Longing Majin flying into the Disgust Majin. The Disgust Majin naturally threw an absolute fit at being forced to touch the filthy creature, and the Longing Majin had an existential crisis after finally coming into direct contact with something." - good comedy here.
- I'm really not that much of a fan of the Kid Buu fight in theory, but the way the fight is written out is well-done. Considering TeamUnitedNerds hasn't really done too many fight scenes in his stories, and probably none on this level before, this is a good sign.
- I quite liked Miss Buu stepping in at the end to save her love.
- Miss Buu's conversation with Fat Buu at the end is really touching and well-written up until the point he reabsorbs her.
- I like the comedy at the end with the jigsaw puzzle and Saiyan competitiveness.
- Miss Buu's introduction is quite disappointing. There was a big opportunity missed in the first paragraph. How Buu creates her and why is quite interesting and it is regretful that those events were skipped over, given the author felt the need to explain Buu's absorption techniques in such detail instead. The first paragraph is the worst-written paragraph in the entire story, in terms of prose.
- The first paragraph states that his lewd desires were expelled to create Miss Buu (which is only partly true to canon, but whatever), and yet the third paragraph then states that suddenly, all of his love was expelled to create her. Love =/= lewdness.
- I am very much against Kid Buu in this story. Absolutely it's a terrible idea. For one, Kid Buu was separated from Majin Buu already. Fat Buu is essentially an emotion that Kid Buu ripped from him. Kid Buu is dead, and his power was given to Uub. So he should not exist again. Fat Buu would have to rip the Kais from his body, not emotions. That's not how it works. Perhaps he did rip the Kais away from him too, but then he wouldn't be Kid Buu, since he'd be Kid Buu sans all the emotions that change him physically anyways. So there's a great deal of incoherency in the decision to make Fat Buu turn into Kid Buu.
- Vegeta's and Goku's dialogue is slightly off, particularly Vegeta's.
- The chess thing is a bit awkward. In theory it could work, but there's no description of what they're doing or how they're getting better. It's really quite lazy. It's just "oh yeah goku plays chess now he's better at battle strategy". That kind of explanation does not make for good reading. And to be honest, Vegeta and Goku are already universe-class battle strategists, so I'm not sure how playing that game would help them. There's no way they are even close to even CM level of chess play, so I don't see how they could really gain anything. And again, if they do gain battle strats from this, show it. Show them playing chess, have Goku make a gambit of some kind or a sacrifice (hopefully a queen sack, as that would be the most dramatic and interesting) that wins him the game, or something like that, and then parallel that with how he fights Kid Buu.
- It's forced drama that Vegeta can't deal with Kid Buu's offspring. Not a fan of that. Vegeta is unbelievably powerful at this stage of his life, and all it should take is a single ki blast to wipe out every offspring. I see the stalling methods to produce a longer story and more drama, but it just doesn't work.
- I don't get why Goku doesn't just pull the goo off his eyes, considering Vegeta does that for him later.
- Buu knows Goku can sense ki already, even though this is Fat Buu and not Kid Buu. Fat Buu did fight Goku at SS3 already, remember.
- The concept for Buu trying to hide his power level is creative. However, it's just not very logical. His power level is in his body, so if the goop he threw has his power, he's making himself weaker for no good reason. If not, then those goop pieces won't be able to hide the majority of his power. Just because there are weaker parts of him flying around doesn't mean that the main body of Kid Buu would be lost to Goku. He would have the majority of Buu's power still and Goku would know that.
- "“Ack! As much as I hate to admit it, I need help!” Vegeta said." - Vegeta would never say that.
- When Vegeta throws the Majins in front of Goku, he only throws three, not all of the other unnamed emotions Fat Buu tore from his body.
- "“Goku, I need you to throw some of that disgusting creature’s slime at me!”" - Vegeta would not call him Goku.
- Vegeta's gloves are not the same ones that came with his Saiyan armor. That's ridiculous. His entire costume was replaced by Bulma during the Cell arc, and it's more than likely that he's replaced his clothes several times since then, or at least has several pairs of everything. That sentence is entirely inaccurate and entirely unnecessary.
- Vegeta's method for catching the Disgust Majin was just stupid, honestly. You're telling me that that Majin is faster than him? Really? A Super Saiyan 2 who got at least 2 zenkais since the beginning of the Majin Buu arc? Absolute nonsense.
- Goku's final kamehameha came out of nowhere. Considering this is the attack meant to destroy Buu, I would have expected more build up and a better description of the events.
- Silly TUN, Roshi's dirty mags aren't for Buu. Mr. Satan's are. That took me completely out of the story, as it was Mr. Satan's dirty book that brought about Miss Buu's creation in the first place. Sloppy sloppy.
- Uh... not sure why Miss Buu is reabsorbed. She doesn't get reabsorbed in Dragon Ball Online. I don't know, I just feel like after the conversation she had with him that it would have been more powerful if he had not absorbed her again. It makes the whole story quite pointless, to be honest. There was an opportunity for Buu getting some decent character development had she not been reabsorbed. His declaration never to change was good, to that end, but ultimately serves no purpose as he ends up just where he started. Very disappointing that she is reabsorbed.
- "“That was a touching story, but you two also aren’t demons who’ll go on a destructive rampage if you change yourselves too much,” Chi-Chi said." - I can't imagine Chi-Chi ever talking like that. One thing I've noticed in this story is that a lot of the characters just don't sound like their canon selves. Bulma has one line that is alright. Fat Buu's dialogue is mostly good, although there are a few nitpicky things I could have mentioned and didn't. But yeah, this Chi-Chi lines and most of the Vegeta lines are probably the worst.
Final Thoughts: Conceptually, this story has potential. Buu's stripped emotions and his relationship with Miss Buu were unique areas to explore in Dragon Ball lore. However, this story pretty much completely falls apart when Fat Buu becomes Kid Buu. The fight scene was decently-written, but the logic of the fight and of the story as a whole really broke down at that point. The prose is decent, probably about a 7/10. It's in the usual TUN style, and I think it's clear by this point that he is one of the best writers on this wiki. And certainly of those who remain, and of those who are still active, he is in the top 5, no question. However, this story is sloppy. Not in terms of spelling or grammar, but in terms of execution. My above cons give my opinion on why I think that is. I am moderately disappointed in this story. It had potential, but that potential was not realized. The two biggest disappointments were Fat Buu becoming Kid Buu and Miss Buu being reabsorbed at the end, making the whole story pointless and inaccurate to Dragon Ball Online. TUN could have done better, and I know he can, having read his other stories.
Final Rating: C-
- I like that Guldo never cared for any member of his species. Good characterization.
- I love how Guldo lives off the envy of the non-Ginyu soldiers. Unique and well-written characterization here.
- Guldo using his powers to absorb gossip is fantastic. As well, the gossip he gets about Frieza and Dodoria is really cool.
- It's a small touch, but mentioning how the spaceship's air is described as purified. There is a sense that this is in contrast to Guldo, his thoughts, and his actions. Showing is almost always better than telling, I think.
- Guldo's hope of what Frieza will say to Ginyu is funny.
- The dynamic between Ginyu and Frieza is mostly well-written.
- Good detail with giving Guldo a native language that he can hide his curse words in. I really like the obscuring of truth motif in this story.
- I do like that when Guldo is thinking up how to kill Frieza, he discounts getting stronger, as he can't stand training. While that's funny, it's also true to his character, so great job.
- The dialogue in the Jeice/Guldo scene is excellent. The plot is a bit forced in that scene, but I don't mind it.
- Good pacing on the cybernetics scene. Guldo knows exactly what he wants because he's a single-minded fellow. He's on a mission. This is a good example of the pacing paralleling the characterization.
- I like that Guldo paid for the cybernetic attachment by pickpocketing other soldiers with his special powers.
- It's a bit tragic how little Guldo cares about Jeice, considering Jeice in this AU story apparently loves that four-eyed fucker.
- "Apparently, to whatever arbitrary force decided that his time-freezing powers would only work while his breath was held, this was completely valid." - nice.
- Goddamn, Guldo's an anarchist little shit with his powers. I love it.
- "Frieza turned around, swirling a glass of wine delicately, between fingers that could crush continents." - excellent lyrical prose.
- It is skillful writing to have Guldo be scared of Frieza when finally in his presence again, despite boasting to Jeice moments before that he was going to kill the tyrant.
- It is a powerful thematic moment when Guldo freezes time immediately after Frieza says "the world". Just as that is said, Guldo slips out of the world. Excellent subtlety here. I am seeing a consistent theme with Guldo's arrogance/isolation from others being expressed here.
- There is a certain sad, satirical quality to Guldo gaining motivation to attack Frieza and not giving up. I like it a lot. He's pathetic, but that's the point. Guldo is no Goku, and he doesn't need to be.
- I like that Guldo got drunk on Frieza's expensive wine. Frieza's excessive and expensive obsession with wine is a good recurring motif in the story.
- "Guldo had completely lost track of time. He could no longer tell the difference between a minute and a century." - this is some really good prose. Not everything is good for Guldo, and his character development here is both interesting and impactful.
- Guldo unfreezing time to let Frieza experience pain was well worth the wait. That scene is exceptional, and there's really nothing bad I can say about it.
- The Legendary Super Bas is a great addition. I love the undercurrent of satire with Guldo supposedly becoming a mighty warrior.
- The explanation for how Frieza died is unique. I like it a lot. That Frieza did not go out with a bang, but a whimper, is a wonderful bit of writing. Everything about this story is presented in grand, sweeping ways. Guldo is the Legendary Super Bas, Frieza's an impossibly-powerful tyrant... and yet, they aren't, truly. Reality is much at odds with perception. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but this is quite a complex theme being portrayed.
- I am fascinated by the recurrence of the color purple. Not only is most wine a purplish color (and there's a lot of wine in this story!) but two major aliens are also purple-skinned. This may be intentional, or it might not be, but I'm not sure it matters. Either way, the fact that there are things that recur throughout the one-shot, veins of imagery or emotion, is a sign of really good writing.
- Guldo's ego is something to behold. He always was an angry, petty, hateful little fucker in canon, so this progression is in my opinion accurate. His dialogue is really well-written throughout, but it is especially noticeable in that scene after Frieza dies.
- Nice foreshadowing with Jeice not being okay with Guldo killing Frieza.
- I like how Guldo becomes more like Frieza and Dodoria after he takes over the PTO. This is some clever character development.
- The bit near the end where everything dulls to Guldo is really a fantastic moment. I like how Guldo has to freeze time to escape the burdens of reality. Beating Frieza didn't heal him. Power is not the answer. I'm not sure exactly what Guldo's issue is yet, but it goes deeper, and I'm not sure it can be resolved. His egoism is really breathtaking to behold. He's about as unfettered a tyrant as could exist, and yet, nothing brings him happiness anymore. I like this discussion on the nature of happiness as well as Guldo's isolation. Sure he has Jeice, but he's really alone, and he's older, and for what?
- The final sentence is great. This story lacks resolution, but it doesn't need it. The unique storytelling structure hits its crescendo when someone else notices Guldo's pain and his uncleanliness. I don't think this uncleanliness is physical so much as mental and emotional. Whis can see more than the PTO soldiers could in Guldo. He sees the sickness, the pettiness, and the power. I particularly like how the focus changes in the last two paragraphs to Whis' perspective to allow a bit of balancing of Guldo's rise. When we get a more objective viewpoint, Guldo's ascendancy doesn't look so impressive anymore. That's a really nice turn at the end.
- I would rather Guldo's backstory not be told at all than the way it is glossed over in a few paragraphs. The backstory itself is not necessary, I think, but if it's going to be done, it should be more fleshed out. There should be more weight to the narrative in the opening. It feels like a quick summary that was written simply to get to the good stuff. Guldo being a crime boss is an interesting idea that could've been expanded upon to make this story better. In essence, this opening treads the line between telling too little and telling enough and is rather unsatisfying as a result.
- Guldo's promotion to the Ginyu Force is a significant enough event that I think it should be told in this story. If this is not desirable for pacing reasons, start the story when he's already in the Ginyu Force. His relationship with the other Ginyu Force members was also not developed at all, just simply stated as having developed. That was a bit disappointing to read. A missed opportunity for character development there.
- Not capitalizing the "force" in Ginyu Force really bothers me.
- It would have been much better to show a scene where Guldo's opinion of the other Ginyus falls off a cliff.
- "Until one particular day, when Guldo saw the Captain himself entering Frieza’s chambers." - while it's not always bad to have fragments in prose, this one is not effective.
- Ginyu's conversation with Frieza starts off a little too conveniently for the plot. I would have liked to see some more natural gossip/greetings lead into the stuff about Guldo himself.
- I don't get exactly what causes Frieza to want to demote Guldo. Since this is AU, I would like to see what triggers a divergence from the the univrse 7 timeline. Perhaps it was a small thing, as little as Guldo eating a chili dog at the wrong time or something, but something should have caused Frieza to want to demote Guldo.
- "He made a promise to himself, that he would kill Frieza, and make the Ginyus his underling." - poorly-worded sentence, and underling should be plural.
- Guldo refusing to use poison is forced. It's not a natural, logical progression of thought. Just because he doesn't know if a poison would work or not doesn't mean he shouldn't try it. In fact, poison is the most surefire way of killing Frieza. If it doesn't work, it wouldn't be traced to Guldo, and then he could try something else. But there's no way he wouldn't try something as safe and potent as poison.
- "You can go back to the ship, this’ll probably take a while to install" - semicolon or period instead of the first comma.
- I wish there would have been time spent on Guldo adjusting to his implants. The impulse to breathe, whether you have to or not, is a strong enough impulse that Guldo would struggle with getting used to not breathing. The pacing here was too impatient.
- "with a market he had stolen" - market should be marker.
- "unceremonous" - should be unceremonious.
- I'm not sure how Guldo can talk while time is frozen, as he still needs to hold his breath.
- "Frieza cocked his head curiously for a second, before he began to burst out laughing, a horrid, taunting laugh, that was usually only heard by his victims, as they were incinerated along with their planet." - the pacing of this sentence is awkward. There are several unnecessary commas, and I would recommend changing "before he began to burst" to "before bursting".
- "“I don’t know what those pieces of scrap you’ve crammed into your flesh are for" - the use of scrap here is bizarre.
- "that would undoubtedly piece Guldo" - piece should be pierce.
- "panick" - should be panic.
- I still don't get how Guldo can talk while time is frozen. These should be internal thoughts, as is shown in canon. He has to hold his breath to maintain frozen time. Even if he can keep his lungs filled so he doesn't need to take a breath, he still needs to hold that one breath he took the whole time he fights Frieza, which is why I mentioned that he should get acclimated to the cybernetic attachments before confronting Frieza. This whole sequence of events is a little unbelievable because of that.
- "impassionated" - should be impassioned.
- "He loathed the taste, but he drank it more for symbolism’s sake than anything else." - I like this sentence conceptually, but symbolism is not a good word to use here.
- I don't get why Guldo wouldn't just keep attacking the same spot until he breaks open Frieza's chest so that he can ki blast that fucker's vital organs immediately. Him going around to burn Frieza's entire body is not logical.
- "So this, this onslaught of suffering was as alien as it was agonizing." - there should be a comma after suffering.
- "to be able to bring Lord Frieza to the verge of death in an instant. +" - dunno why there is a + after that sentence.
- King Cold is stronger than 100% Frieza. The power jump from First Form Frieza to King Cold is massive. Cold is at least 226x more powerful than the Frieza Guldo killed. Thus, it would've taken an incredible amount of time for Guldo to have killed him, even with the robotic upgrades. I feel like Guldo wouldn't be able to kill King Cold before dying of old age. The fact that Cold's death is glossed over so quickly is a major con in my opinion.
- I'm not sure what happened to Ginyu or Burter or Recoome; that could use an explanation. Especially with Guldo making Jeice his second in command, shouldn't that mean that he wants to kill Ginyu?
- "his job consisted of doing anything that Guldo didn’t want to bother which" - which should be with.
- Jeice not being happy about Frieza dying was not developed, unfortunately.
- I thought TUN was going somewhere with the black market anesthesia because it was mentioned so often. Yet, nothing ended up happening with it. With Guldo being dulled to time and pleasure, there was potential with that black market anesthesia to develop into something - maybe it screws with his mind, maybe he becomes addicted to it, etc. Who knows. I thought something was going to happen, though. As it stands, I'm not sure there was a point in Guldo being awake for his lung surgery.
- Cooler is mentioned once as Frieza's brother, yet he never appears in the story and never tries to fight Guldo. Maybe he wouldn't have fought to avenge Frieza, but he would have done so for King Cold and his family's name (which is what happens in his movie). Considering Guldo takes over the entire PTO and is said to rule every planet in the universe, Cooler's omission must be an error.
Final Thoughts: This story is flat-out good. There is sloppiness in the prose in places, as well as in the early plot, indicating an impatient author. But aside from that, there's really not too much to hate. I wish the opening utilized a "show not tell" philosophy, and if it had, this story would truly be special. The thematic progression for Guldo is very well-written, and his characterization is both unique and logical. I particularly like the latter half of the story, and especially after Guldo becomes the emperor of the PTO and realizes that he's not happy. The lack of character resolution for Guldo intensely intrigues me. I realize this story is a part of a wider universe, but I am quite satisfied with this arc for Guldo, if it's all we'll see of this Guldo. He reaped what he sowed. I don't feel bad at all for his pain, and yet his pain touches me. I did have an emotional reaction even if I hate Guldo, and that is the sign of a successful story to me. Also, I should mention that the prose in this story is generally high-quality. Of the writers I have read on this site, there are only a few who have shown a clear command of their prose, and TUN is one of them.
Final Rating: A
- I like how Goku Black's appearance becomes obscured in the darkness of night.
- I do like the way Zamasu and Goku Black casually mock the traditions of mortals, such as Christmas. Given what I know about Zamasu (admittedly not much at this point in time), his bloodlust is rather endearing.
- Santa's book being old and battered is interesting. So far, Zamasu and Goku Black have been absolutely obsessed with godly elegance, so I wonder if they see the irony.
- "The mortal had met his expiration date long ago, yet he still lingered on, like curdled milk in the back of the fridge." - nice comparison.
- I found Goku Black's prose rant about Santa Claus to be pretty funny. At one point, Goku Black laments that a mortal is immortal like him, which is great.
- I don't mind that the location isn't stated to be Earth before they fly off to the north pole. I do find it hilarious though how these two super-powerful gods are so petty and insecure that they had to basically drop everything and rush off to find and kill Santa.
- Goku Black killing the elf was a good moment of emotion. It was also slightly unexpected, at least for me. I didn't know how brutal Goku Black was going to be, but this was a good scene to set the tone of the one-shot.
- I am not certain if Zamasu hates animals as he hates humans. Animals are mortals, after all. With that said, I did like the reindeer attacking Zamasu and Goku Black. There is a sense of sentiency in their actions that is ironic, considering Zamasu sheds tears for them. With all that said, I think this scene works. It's a bit clunky, but there is decent emotion in the prose.
- I like the imagery of the blizzard descending upon the town, just as Zamasu and Goku Black have.
- I like how Goku Black can't sense Santa and then assumes Santa is hiding his power level. There's a wonderful tone of naivete in this story with these characters that is reminescent of a Christmas spirit. I do really like this aspect of the story. The careless frivolity of the gods is nice, but it doesn't dominate the story, for that elf and the reindeer have also been killed by this point.
- The way the two of them are hunting down Santa Claus is pretty funny to me, even after they killed the reindeer. They are so obliviously serious about it. There's some nice characterization being shown there.
- I don't mind the idea that Zamasu sees humans as corrupting animals. That reminds me of some of the themes of Princess Mononoke. While I don't know enough about Zamasu to know for certain if it is in-character for him to think in this way, there is an allure in the theme of corruption and cleansing and purifying, especially in a snowy area, that gives rise to certain desolate emotions. Creeperman probably has no idea what I'm talking about, but just know this: I like that Zamasu thinks the humans are corrupting the animals.
- It's a good plot move to destroy the city relatively quickly. I was concerned that Zamasu and Goku Black might prolong things, but they don't. Very nice pacing after the reindeer scene.
- "Zamasu knew the mortal would try to give him a great, big hug, to try to cover up his sins" - I really like how this sentence is phrased. Beautiful prose here.
- The gods' perplexion at the elves rhyming was really funny.
- My goodness, Zamasu is insane. I'll assume that it was written that way, as none of the elves ever used his name. How would they really know his name? I don't think they would, or do, and that his paranoia is instead meant as characterization for him.
- "This was the void in their hearts. No matter how many corpses piled up into it, no matter how many mortals they killed, that void would never fill." - this is a decent escalation of all the "mortals can't know justice" stuff going on. Zamasu and Goku Black aren't logical in that the above phrase I quoted is meaningless from an intellectual standpoint. It's a case of 2 + 2 = 5. What they are professing, that mortals are with sin, can't know justice, and are worthy of being slaughtered for no other reason than that's what mortals deserve. It's a rather mad view of life, and I think it is checked well by the above quote.
- The description of how Zamasu finds Santa, and then how they travel to him, is well-written. The staccato sentences when he's focusing hard and thinking are a good pacing choice.
- I like Santa's entrance. His way of dealing with Goku Black and Zamasu is skillfully-written.
- Zamasu seeing his reflection and throwing his tea is one of the better symbolic moments in this story. The villainy implied in motion is rather curious too. The tea's surface is sloshing about, implying motion, and angering Zamasu. I also think of the motion implied with the blizzard, with the lack of motion implied with the reindeer being killed, and the elves' lack of motion when they basically just stand there in fear, allowing themselves to be killed, and Santa lying in bed, motionless, compared to Zamasu and Goku Black, who are incredibly dynamic characters throughout.
- I like the time/legacy theme Santa brings up. It's decently-written in the context of the story.
- I also like the idea that humans made Santa's legend continue on instead of Santa riding his ego to keep going. That Zamasu assumed it was about ego reveals a lot about his character and perceptions.
- I enjoyed the twist of Santa being killed. I thought for certain he would not be. It's always interesting to see the bad guys win one.
- I am perfectly fine with the musical cues, but the silence cues are a bit much.
- "I suppose...but a child of a mortal is still corrupted with sin”, the god said while finishing his cup of tea" - this sentence is missing a period.
- For dialogue, the comma that replaces a period at the end goes inside the closing quote.
- "“Apparently the mortals are celebrating a holiday called Christmas. I heard one of them say something ridiculous like ‘God will save us! Just fight now and our descendants can have a wonderful Christmas and not face this suffering! Onwards!’" - this line of dialogue has no closing quotes.
- "Goku Black put the chair back down" - because this text is between two lines of dialogue that are part of a continuous sentence, this line should end with a comma, not a period.
- "The god poured more tea into his cup and, intrigued, asked “Santa Claus? Is he a mortal?”" - put a comma after asked.
- "“I dunno. I suppose we’ll find out now” The doppelganger pushed the book in front of Zamasu." - there's no period or comma in the quotes again. As well, I would rephrase the sentence aftewards. "The doppelganger" is awkward. Perhaps a rephrasing like, "Zamasu's doppelganger pushed the book in front of him", would work better.
- "All of these feelings toward the fat, bloated buffoon gave him all the more reason to despise the entire race." - it's not clear from this sentence what race Santa Claus is a part of.
- I feel like Goku Black's assumption that Santa Claus will be super powerful and much stronger than Trunks to be bizarre. It's a baseless thought that seems to be in there simply to provide a tenuous reason for their departure.
- "That’s why he didn’t waste his time taking out the mortals one by one and just blew the whole ice planet up" - this sentence's phrasing make it difficult to understand which planet is being talked about.
- "Although the damage he caused would never be undone, he would still." - remove still to make the sentence much better.
- I do not understand why Zamasu cares that Santa was supposedly inconveniencing other mortals. He hates mortals. Why does he care what one mortal does to another?
- "Zamasu smiled at the sight of the blizzard engulfing the city, hoping that it caused the mortals to panic." - the second half of this sentence is awkward as hell.
- "Taking their sweet time, the duo landed in the raging blizzard, near the stable a few feet beside them." - I have never heard the phrase "a few feet beside them" before, but it's just not a good phrase at all. "a few feet away from them" is more accurate.
- "The cold air rushed throughout the building, almost immediately alerting a small little man with green clothes, who was tending the reindeer inside of the stable." - the comma after clothes should not be there.
- "As he turned to look at them he backed away in shock" - there is no period at the end of this sentence.
- Use paragraph separation when two people are talking. For example, the elf and Goku Black both have dialogue in the same paragraph, which is highly confusing.
- "He quickly his all of the reindeer in the neck, killing them all peacefully." - another typo (his should be hit).
- "He knelled down out of grief." - knelled should be kneeled or knelt (either is acceptable).
- "You want to kill him yourself, right?" - so I've been looking at this line for several minutes, and I can't understand the use of right at the end. This is a nitpick, but the word just shouldn't be there in the context of the rest of the quote. It's a really weird thing to say after Zamasu literally asked "Can you let me kill Santa?". Also, considering Zamasu is stronger, I don't see why he would ask for permission. And, to be honest, now that I've read the whole quote, I would remove the entire sentence and start with: "Angry about the reindeer, I assume?". However, I would also remove the "I assume" from that sentence.
- "“And to suppress his powers to that degree”" - another missing period. Very sloppy.
- "They have already corrupted the other organisms, so there’s no use killing one by one." - killing them one by one.
- "a X shape" - a should be an.
- "bringing the room back to a room filled with regular light" - this is phrased super awkwardly.
- "“None but we should be in here. Get out, am I clear?!”" - I don't really like this bit of dialogue. The first sentence is alright, but the second sentence is just too awkward for me.
- "“Are you deaf, you measly boy?!”." - there's no need for that final period. As well, the use of measly here is a bit strange, but you don't have to change that.
- "The good little boy, Goku, this must me a lie!" - me should be be.
- "“You, it’s you?! I could just cry! The good little boy, Goku, this must me a lie! I thought you died, nice little guy! What are you doing with this man, who should leave my eye?”" - this bit of dialogue just isn't very good. The rhyming is forced.
- "He grabbed the elf by the neck, putting the other elves into shock." - Why would he put them into shock as opposed to just saying he shocked them?
- Yeah, pretty much all the elf dialogue is terrible. It's trying to rhyme for the sake of rhyming, using awkward words and near-definitions to make something semi-intelligible but not coherent. "“Then please, smite me, and leave the others to be lax!”" - this sentence is an example of that.
- "“But one is nothing”." - the period goes inside the quotes.
- "“One is meaningless compared to hundreds of thousands”." - again, period goes inside the quotes. Bloody hell mate.
- "All weak enough so that he wouldn’t die." - this fragment should be a part of the previous sentence.
- Silence cues are rarely a good idea. They don't work here.
- "“Not surprising”" - missing comma again.
- It's not entirely clear if they think Santa is mortal or not. Earlier sections implied that Zamasu and Goku Black think he's mortal, but after they go to the second floor, it's implied thath he's a mortal.
- "Cowardness" should be cowardice.
- "His rage started to feul even further" - feul should be fuel, but I'm not sure what this means even if that word is fixed. "Grow" for example seems like a more appropriate word.
- "A frail old man, lying in bed,and an empty bed beside him." - there's no space after the comma following bed. As well, this fragment has no reason to stand on its own. Attach it to the previous sentence.
- "He coughed again" - there's no period at the end of this sentence.
- "Goku Black suddenly shouted" - there's no period at the end of this sentence.
- "He threw the tea at one of the beds.“As have I." - there is no space after "beds.".
- "You have made many sins, which I have only now realised." - awkward sentence. "You have sinned" vs "You have made many sins" is the problem here.
- "“Oh cut the melodrama, you obviously used the Dragon Balls.”," - poor dialogue grammar here. The period should be a comma, and the final comma should not be there.
- Again, at the end of the penultimate section, Santa is repeatedly referred to as both a mortal and immortal.
- "It was very very damaged, but she just barely read out the words, “The Story of Santa Claus”" - this sentence has no period.
- The resolution to this story was a bit unsatisfying. I don't mind the nihility of killing off Santa and his elves and all that stuff, but the little section after that didn't really go anywhere. Too little was explained, and the prose could have used fleshing out there to tell a more coherent story.
Final Thoughts: This story has a whimsical, slightly funny, slightly awkward plot. There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors as noted above, though the prose is better than what Creeperman has produced in the past for stories such as his Garlic Jr. one that I already reviewed. The dialogue is decent except for the elves'. The prose itself is above average for what I would expect of someone on this site, but not yet on the level of a truly great story. The plot was unique and bold, and I liked that even though there were parts, especially the ending section, that didn't work in my opinion.
Final Rating: B-
- Good detail with how Ravil remembers Majin Buu.
- I really like the idea of Ravil working in threat prevention. Just think of all the weird shit he's stopped. This is also a pretty unique and interesting role for a human to fill, so well done creating an original story idea.
- The description of the town was really well-done. I like the theme of neglect and how places that haven't been hit by a popular foe are being forgotten. Additionally, the second section, though only three paragraphs long, is very strong in terms of the imagery evoked by the prose.
- While awkward in a few spots, the conversation between Ravil and the Moonboy was pretty good overall. I like how Ravil's concealed strength is revealed. There's a suicidal abandon to that section that reminds me of the magical absurdity of Haruki Murakami's short stories.
- Overall, fantastic conversation between Deni and Ravil with the cigarette as the object between them. I mean smoking is awful so I couldn't get an erection while reading that part, but still, it was wonderful how Ravil talked to her. I get a Nick Fury vibe from Ravil; not sure if that's intentional.
- Deni's characterization is really well done. I can see the Nappa in her, but that's not all there is to her. For example, I don't think Nappa would have asked for a second cigarette.
- "The train exited the tunnel with a woosh, and the windows were painted with an image of the untainted night sky." - excellent line.
- "“Yeah, that sucks. I’ve always been a shitty person, but it’s nice to know why, at least.”" - another really nice line. The self-awareness here is pretty funny, but at the same time, pretty sad too.
- I like how Deni's size is used to further alienate her from society.
- "The Z-Fighters defeat Earth’s enemies physically, but I’m the one who really destroys them. I make sure that they’re not remembered, and that every evil deed they do is undone." - this is a really awesome part of the story. I love the contrast between physicality and mentality here and the discussion on the nature of power itself.
- Fuck me, that old lady at the end of the penultimate section was legendary. One of my favorite parts in the entire story.
- The last section was really sweet. The consistency of the cigarette as a symbol of their bonding was nice to see, as was the consistency related to the train imagery. I'm not quite sure what to make of the image, but it rouses in me a sort of purifying bleakness. I suppose that's not unlike the feeling one gets when they realize that they're an alien but at the same time realize that there are people in the world who care about them.
- "If they knew how frequently some evil being with the ability and intent to wipe them all out would appear, only to be narrowly stopped by the so-called Z-Fighters." - unfinished sentence.
- "There was a practical side to destruction, and that practicality was Ravil’s job." - this sentence isn't phrased quite right. I don't think the key word here is practicality.
- "He didn’t exactly suppress information, the press was free to report on the Saiyan Invasion or the Cell Games, and indeed they did." - first comma should be a semi-colon or a new sentence.
- "Ravil made sure, however, that the aftermath of those events was as minimal as possible" - not quite the right way to use the word aftermath. Perhaps something like, "Ravil made sure, however, that in the aftermath of those events, panic was kept to a minimum".
- "battle-hungry alien who used planet-destroying energy beams was far more comforting" - need a comma after beams.
- "They certainly weren’t in prison, if they could be arrested, Ravil wouldn’t have been called in in the first place." - once again the first comma should be a semi. There are around ten or so other sentences that also suffer from this problem throughout the story.
- There are far too many commas in general. This sentence for example doesn't need any: "Ravil followed this up with a devastating punch to the young man’s face, that definitely loosened a couple of teeth."
- That half bald thing has to be a joke... right?
- I really really like the conversation between Ravil and Deni, but at the same time, it seems a little forced how easily she warms up to him and how quickly she decides to come with him. I think it would take more effort on his part, perhaps through a show of force on another underling that impresses her Saiyan warrior spirit or something. Bottom line is I think there should've been some impetus that led to Deni getting on that train with him.
- Ravil's info on the Saiyans seems to be a little too thorough to be believable in my opinion.
- I don't really think that Ravil's threat to make the world forget Deni, who doesn't seem to be a known entity to begin with, was a logical way to make a threat. What I mean is, I don't think Deni would look at that threat and care. Perhaps she does like him and is feigning violence over him because of that, but I don't think his comeback to make the world forget her would work, especially if she killed him before going on her rampage.
Final Thoughts: In terms of dialogue and thematic content, this story is excellent. There are prose problems, mostly in terms of flow and pacing in regards to misplaced or extraneous commas. Those problems occur throughout the text. Aside from that, I have only a few minor problems with the characterization and unfolding plot. Otherwise, I think this story is a really unique take on the Dragon Ball universe. It's the most unique thing I've read since A Front. Really well done story.
Final Rating: A.
- I liked the characterization of Vegeta's side early on. Nice work with his inner thoughts revealing a bit of his softer side. Quite well written.
- "Vegeta desperately tried to think of Bulma’s location, and to banish any potentially sentimental thoughts he may have had about her, and her inviting smile, or the resilience she possessed that reminded him of his own mother, or the way she continued to love and tolerate him, even during his most outrageous moments or the offspring they shared to the furthest corner of the mind that was no longer his." - excellent technique with the stream of consciousness style unraveling here. Excellent job at mimicking form and content. Even if you don't know what that means, you still did it so great job. Masterful characterization of Vegeta here. The buffer Vegeta uses is just brilliantly thought out. This is really great writing.
- "She recognized Vegeta’s unmistakable firm rear almost immediately" - this is a great example.
- Bulma's dialogue is excellent and accurate.
- Chi-Chi's dialogue was also flawlessly in character.
- Adequate reason for the Dragon Balls not working. If Shenron has the power to defuse them is speculation, but I think the logic behind it is sound.
- Vegito hitting himself is a great visual image tied to the internal argument. Well done in giving power to action derived from desire and thought. I know that sounds weird but I just had a test on this shit so I can tell when I see it. Excellent work here.
- "It was a meaningless gesture, as they were both alone." - cool sentence. The way the word alone is used in relation to two characters is pretty nifty and implies significant characterization that is consistent with how they were acting earlier.
- "“Do you want me to admit that I’m a terrible father and bow down before the Prince Of All Saiyans?” Goku said." - this is one of the few genuinely great lines of Goku dialogue I've ever read in a fanon before.
- It's actually really cool to see Goku and Vegeta working through their problems together. There's a sense that they do this in the Majin Buu Saga, but since that doesn't resolve in this timeline in the same way, the characters must invariably take a different path towards that same end. Nice precision not to neglect that characterization. I think it's significant that the way they work through their problems is wholly in the mind, each boring into the other's thoughts. That makes this a lot more of an emotionally-weighted moment than what we get in canon, where everything is resolved through the action of battle.
- I like that part in "One" with the characterization of Goku through relieving the memories of his past. Definite 9/10 success rate with that section (my one nitpick being related to the portrayal of his emotions in relation to achieving SS and fighting Frieza in it)
- In the Vegeta section, the tension between desire and intellect fascinates me because it's not only working in relation to Goku, but also with Bulma. Again, not sure if that was intentionally written as such, but it works even if it wasn't.
- I like the description of Vegito achieving godhood. Really it's probably the most memorable moment in this story. With that said, this is a second example - the entire paragraph.
- I like how unorthodox the resolution to this story is. Vegito is godly and SS white is pretty swag yo but at the same time, you just gotta feel that weight of losing the individuality of Goku and Vegeta. rip in piece boyos
- Seriously man. Chi-Chi is amazing in "Zero". Fuck me, the pathos was overwhelming. There is not one moment in canon where she is portrayed better.
- I love the little things. A writer's skill is revealed in the details. The bit about South City's polygamy laws was much appreciated.
- "“Dammit, Kakarot, why is this so difficult than before?”" - there's a few missing words in this sentence.
- "Goku and Vegeta noted that the experience of being Vegito had changed immensely from when they were first fused." - yo this sentence desperately needs some verbs to be changed to the past perfect form holla.
- Vegito can move so fast that I doubt anyone else would help him find the Dragon Balls. Plot seems forced at that moment. Especially with the fact that Vegito can use Instant Transmission, where's the logic? Why do we need Krillin and Tien, and why did there have to be a wait at all to build more Dragon Radars? It should take Vegito with his speed and abilities like 5 minutes to collect all 7 Dragon Balls.
- I find it less likely that Chi-Chi would leave 55 messages than she would storm Capsule Corp with a military aircraft like she always does.
- Getting to the Shenron wish part, Krillin's and Tien's presence still lacks any purpose in the story. Nothing would have been different had Vegito taken 5 minutes to get the balls by himself.
- "“They fused while they were fighting Buu, I tried to wish them apart, and, well, apparently they’re stuck like this.”" - I saw many sentences like this in Last Train Home. This is a grammar deficiency that needs fixin' yo. That comma should be a semi (im half chub right now mate) or a period.
- Did I miss something or did the first two wishes just disappear at the start of "One"? Bulma goes from having 3 wishes to 1 without any wishes being made.
- Chi-Chi calling Vegito a thing doesn't sit well with me. It goes a little too far for her character.
- "Even Grandpa Gohan’s parenting, and the head injury that turned him into a clean slate wasn’t even to eliminate his appetite for ruthlessness entirely." - yo there's gotta be a comma after slate.
- "How could Bulma marry love someone who" - clearly either marry or love was meant to remain. I do find these editing mistakes interesting though, as it shows me what the writer was thinking of - the two choices TUN had narrowed it down to at this point: love, or marry. Each word slightly alters the meaning of the sentence as well as the tone of the overall story and thematic realizations. With all that said, I will throw my lot behind love as being the better of the two words here, and I hope TUN will change it to that.
- Not gonna lie, I was a little underwhelmed by the end of "One". Seemed kinda rushed and idealistic.
- I was a bit let down by Bulma's reaction to Whis for the first time. She was a little too conveniently robotic for me.
- Not sure Bulma would call him Future Trunks. I'm not actually sure what she calls him, but it doesn't sound right.
Final Thoughts: It's clear to me that TeamUnitedNerds has significant skill as a writer in terms of characterization and dialogue. Both of those were at their strongest in this story. The plot at times was forced (Tien and Krillin's inclusion), sometimes rushed (Whis' introduction), sometimes moving (Goku's memories), and sometimes beautifully written (the opening of the third section). The inconsistencies were relatively minor to me, though. The significant consistency in characterization and dialogue made the reading much better. Chi-Chi's characterization in particular was brilliant. Now onto the prose. The prose of TeamUnitedNerds has one basically recurring problem, and that's showing a clear lack of understanding of when and where commas should be used. There's a lot of errors in that way. When I think of the great prose writers on this wiki, I think first of Destructivedisk, and next SSWerty. I think both of them are still better than TUN at prose, but he is steadily improving. If he removes the common grammar errors, that would be a start. Additionally, I think there's a slight sparsity of evocative prose. I've highlighted a few of my favorite quotes above. Those lines were like oases in the desert. I wish there was a bit more frequent use of more imagistic and thematic prose. So with that said, I'm going to give TUN's prose in this story a rating of 7.2/10, and I think he shows promise to significantly raise that number in future stories if he writes with more care and detail.
Final Rating: A-
- I don't mind that this story is basically Bardock: The Father of Goku, since this is an AU retelling. I think it actually handles the fight scene quite well.
- The fight choreography is really well done. Nice work. It's not too out there, but pretty creative at the same time.
- Great Ape Etroot's a pretty cool moment.
- Etroot's characterization is pretty decent.
- Xynalkoken seems a little too much like Kaioken. I'd like to see something about it distinguish itself and make this a unique attack.
- I think certain sections could be expanded upon. For example: "Lylus fired a mouth laser at Etroot that completely disintegrated him. Lylus blew up the planet after he recovered and so ends the tale of Etroot." - there could have been more detail here. This is a really pivotal moment, so it should be fleshed out a bit.
- The prose style is a bit loose. There are fourth wall breaks quite often which kind of took me out of the story. There's also stuff like: "The beams collided, it was clear Lylus' was more powerful due to how fast it pushed Etroot's back." - the comma should be a semicolon or a period. I've seen this kind of error a lot recently; I'm not sure why so many users make this mistake.
- I think it's a little too convenient for how Nathan gets to Earth. The asteroid part seems forced to me. Maybe he should have just sent his son to Earth in the first place?
Final Thoughts: Short opening prologue, so there's not much I have to say about it. I think it's actually not that bad, and I usually don't like AU stories. But Lylus and Etroot each have strong personalities, so I can see a lot of care and thought was put into this universe. I do have some gripes with the story. Probably my biggest con is the state of the prose. But overall, this is a good beginning, as Sigur Ros would say, and it's definitely better than the first version of my TF prologue so well done ily
- That backstory on the bartender is trippin yo. All dat change fool
- I really like Dangyu's quote right before the end of the first section. Nice dialogue pacing, and it's a pretty funny part in general. There's a certain greedy nihilism to it that I find rather endearing. Dangyu's angry greed is one of the best moments of characterization for him.
- Really funny final line in the first section. This some dank Zarbon humor.
- Excellent water symbolism with Hit. I'm assuming that was intentional.
- Hit's convo with Dangyu is really good throughout. It's a shame it didn't last longer.
- I like how Dangyu undestood Hit's personality to the point where he didn't think he could anger him. Hit doesn't strike me as a guy who gets angry very often, and even when he does, he's not open about it. So that's a nice touch, considering what happens at the end.
- The part where Dangyu assumes Hit is a sadist, explaining his own reason for being an assassin, presented good character development for both of them. Well done with that.
- Hit as a lightweight is pretty funny. I like that he has some level of vulnerability to his character, even if it's something as minor as that.
- Drunk Hitto is bae.
- I like that there is some prose characterization of the two, such as Hit not wanting to be vulgar like Dangyu.
- Hit's characterization around his age not being a source of pride anymore was a good idea and subtly executed.
- Seven shots total, eh?
- The entire ending scene is really well done. The prose is minimalistic in detail which I think adds to the effect. I like the sound focus, the empty-full dichotomy, and how there is no reaction by Dangyu, no final thought, nothing. That was beautiful.
- "Dangyu was quite a sight to behold, as he sat on the barstool, leaning against the counter." - i dun like this sentence.
- "His outfit was a gaudy and blue" - typo.
- "For any other customer, the bartender would’ve stopped serving him and demanded that he go home, Dangyu had been here many times before, and the bartender knew he still had a while to go before there was any chance of him vomiting or passing out." - yo g split these into separate sentences yo.
- Lots of unnecessary commas up in these sentences g.
- "Payed" should be "paid".
- I'm not really all that fond of how Hit dealt with Dangyu's question of if he was there to kill him. Probably the weakest conceptual moment in the story right there.
- Capitalism line seemed a bit out of place and not space alieny enough.
- Not sure Hit would reveal his real passion for the chase to Dangyu so easily.
- "He was clearly fairly drunk, although he didn’t seem to be slurring, although he did start speaking slowly" - awkward sentence.
- I would have liked to have at least one sentence at the end about the bartender. Kinda just left him hanging.
Final Thoughts: I like this little tale by TUN. The prose is prety good, a solid 8/10 me likey. Dangyu is given brief, but interesting characterization. I see the Zarbon-ish qualities in him, mainly in his general elegance, but it's cool to see what a rich and drunk Zarbon guy would be like. Hit was given some nice characterization as well, with guilt related to his age (which comes up again in Out of Time Man). I enjoyed the endings of both scenes, the second one being especially well-executed for its imaginative minimalism. Overall, this is a nice little story. I don't really have any complaints about it aside from minor nitpicks.
Final Grade: S-
- Frost's a right cunt to his father in the opening.
- Frost's reflection on himself when he's going to bed's pretty well-written. I like his perspective and the more detailed prose than usual.
- I like the breakfast conversation between the two. The dialogue's more believable than the opening section's.
- Good descriptions for the Vanillians' appearances.
- I like Frigor's terror-inducing presence to the pirates. hes like space batman its erotic
- The pancakes and pirates comparison was pretty nifty. Frigor's fight against those pirates was efficiently written.
- It was good to see Jak die how he did. The descriptions for that part were a little more clear and evocative, which was a nice change of pace.
- I like how Frost comes up with the idea to (and how to) kill his father. While Jak's not the best character, Frost's reaction to him was well-written.
- The little moment between Frost and Frigor as the boy poisons him the first time is creepy as fuck and could only be written by someone who will one day tell me to rub the lotion on my skin but hopefully not for a few more days at least.
- I like the gothic feel to the second to last part where Frost poisons his father over several days before finally slaying him brutally.
- Also, Frost's speech was cringe as fuck and stupid as hell, but I think that's probably better than if he had said anything actually meaningful in it. I liked seeing him be consumed by rage and finally act. This whole story he's been in a state of choked rage, paralyzing him, so that was a nice payoff.
- Frost's thoughts about good and evil at the very end are tragic because of how stupid they are. He's just a bloody damn fool. It's beautiful when compared to the arc of his father. He's just like his father in so many ways. As well, Frigor reminds me of Gowasu, if Frost is Zamasu. He's a failure in that he's stubbornly blind to his son's behavior. That makes it more difficult to sympathize with him, because he should have been a better person and dealt with his son's ridiculous tendencies in a more healthy way. But he was good and noble and stupid and he died. I quite like that arc for Frigor, as well as for Frost, so the ending does make everything come together nicely, thematically-speaking.
- "It didn’t have the impish appearance of his diminutive first form, nor the monstrous features of his third, nor the unrestrained power of his true form. His race often saw their transformations as power-ups, but not Frigor." - these two sentences are in contradiction.
- The comma issue is still pretty noticeable in this story.
- Not really a fan of Frigor in the opening. He's just stupid and kind of lame. His attempt at trying to teach Frost was a little plain and I wished there was something more being offered here.
- "His father had neglected to cancel Frost’s delivery" - given how weirdly subservient to his son Frigor was acting earlier, this seems weird. I don't think he'd cancel this order.
- "His entire life was just a string of desires, eat, sleep, buy, with no overarching philosophy or goal to make it all mean anything." - eat sleep and buy need to be sectioned off by a colon or dashes yo. L2gram bich
- "Heroism was a continuous process, villainy and destruction were permanent." - I don't see how anyone could think these two independent clauses could be tied together by only a single comma.
- I don't like the overall lack of description for the environment. I don't have a good sense of where they are or really what kind of situation they are in. Sometimes it seems like his father's an emperor, and sometimes it seems like they're living alone in a run-down apartment. This is highly disorienting and lazy.
- Would've liked a more grounding description of Vanill as well.
- I don't think Frigor would call his energy attacks death beams.
- The word horrific's used three times in pretty quick succession.
- "“Come on, don’t pretend like I’m the first bad guy you’ve fought. I’m not any different, we’re all the same, the whole lot of us. We all do it for the money.”" - don't like this line at all. It's too self-aware and plainly-written.
- Yeah in general I'm not fond of Jak's character too much. He's a caracature of evil and doesn't strike me as having any depth to him. He's an obvious and clunky plot device to be used for Frost's characterization.
- "He turned to his son, although he didn’t need to, he had been glancing back at him to see if he was okay for the entire battle." - this is one of the worst examples of comma misusage I've ever seen from lil ol tunboy. Like, it's almost every sentence there's a grammar issue with the commas. This is a massive fucking issue that needs to be addressed.
- Don't like Frigor's reaction to Frost attacking him at the end on any level. It doesn't allow me to empathize with him as a reader nor be horrified because it's so absurd that it's unrealistic and takes me out of a reading mood when I get there.
- The Peace Force is not always capitalized in-text.
- I don't think it's particularly good writing that how Frost became the leader of the pirates was just glossed over like that, nor how the politics and shit with the Peace Force was similarly glossed over. This just strikes me as someone trying to wrap up a story quickly instead of bringing it to a full conclusion. If this story is important, and if Frost's growth in it is, we should see the consequences of that with a little more care and focus.
- "Frost show that they could be just as wanton as before, if not more, with a leadership change." - typo.
Final Thoughts: I think this story has both good points and bad points. It desperately needed to be edited. There are innumberable grammar errors and a few spelling and syntax ones too that could have been cleaned up with a little editing. Frost's portrayal was strong, but the original characters certainly lacked as much depth. Frigor was inconsistent, but beyond the first scene or so, he became more tolerable. I think Jak was a very clumsily-written character. The prose is sometimes lazy, and the plot itself has its lazy points. There was a lot of that in this story. Frost's arc after Jak's death is more fun, and the whole story gets a sort of quasi-gothic tone to it that I find memorable. The ending thoughts by Frost are also some of the strongest writing in the entire story, so it ends about as well as it could have. So, overall, it's a somewhat inconsistent story, but one that I liked more than I disliked.
Final Rating: A
- The single best scene so far that I have read is Frieza/Cooler learning about the birds and the bees in the fan fiction REDACTED. Quite frankly, it's legendary.
- My favorite story thus far is Three. My least favorite is Dragonball Unlimated.
- Three and All Good Children Go To Heaven, both by Destructivedisk, are currently the only two stories to hold one of the three S ranks. Coincidentally, both hold the middle "S" rank.
- The most common rating is E- (or R- for comedic stories), which is the worst.
- Most people who cannot write a decent story can also not make decent reviews.
- The most pros I have ever given in a single review is 44, on my review of the User:KidVegeta page.
- A story with good writing and a poor plot is no better than a story with poor writing and a good plot.
Stories To Be Reviewed
(These are sorted in priority from highest to lowest, but I may review any fic on this list in any order I wish)
- Dragonball V by Supersaiyian11 (once it is completed)
- 2011 ExtremeSSJ4 Awards - Best Blog: