As of the moment, this review blog is my main focus on the wiki. I don't have enough time to construct new stories quickly, nor do I want to commit that much time, so I'll be focusing on this for the time being. New stories are on their way, just slowly.
Request stories below. All suggestions welcome. I may review your story if I want to, even if you do not request it. I will, for the most part, try to focus on reviewing stories that have some semblance of decency - if your story is random drivel, I will very likely not review it.
Please also do note that I will put most of my emphasis on cons rather than pros - while I will list out some pros that I do consider significant, I will put more time into criticizing your story than into praising it. I feel like this is generally the most constructive way to critique a story.
Also note that the way I review your story will likely vary based on the quality of the story. If you have an excellent story, I will be more likely to point out small things that I have problems with, as I do want to give you some feedback even if it is small. However, if your story is absolutely terrible, I will not put effort into criticizing sentence structure or specific word choices - instead, I will focus on larger problems in your story. This way, I will be able to save myself the time of writing out 3,000 cons while you still get the majority of the problems in the story. Of course, if you want very specific criticisms, I will be happy to give them once you fix the larger problems in the story.
Grading Scale: S - excellent
A - great
B - above average
C - average
D - terrible
My Likes and Dislikes in FanFiction
The best way to get a feel for what I like and dislike in FanFiction is by consulting my guide, User blog:Destructivedisk/Destructivedisk's (new) Guide to Writing Fanfiction. I will outline the basics below though.
- Strong writing
- Character development
- Solid plots
- Random fights
- Poorly thought-out, meandering stories
- Unrealistic dialogue
As a general rule, I dislike stories that are written in script format and stories that are excessively wrong. However, this is not a rule and it will obviously vary from story to story. Word economy and adequacy in prose are two necessary skills for writers and not being able to use them is generally not a good thing.
Additionally, don't bother to argue with me about any of these things. You are not going to change my mind on overpowering, nor are you going to make me think that solid plots and characterization are unnecessary. If there is a factual inaccuracy in my review, I will correct it if you explain to me the problem - however, bitching and moaning will get you nowhere. Again, these reviews do not determine the final say on your story nor do they determine your value as a human being; they're merely my opinions.
With that said, let's begin.
The Brady Patrick Collection
Let's start off with a bang.
I will update this as new stories are posted.
- Excellently written story. The writing is clear, descript, and heavy in imagery. I'd give it a strong 9/10.
- Colorful dialogue which aptly serves its purpose
- The scene with the boys terrorizing Krillin is a really great scene on a deeper level. It reminds me of Lord of the Flies, where a group of kids become really savage when they are left unsupervised. It's a nice commentary on human nature.
- The plot flows very well. Like most other Brady Patrick stories, the plot is very simple, but this one is one of the more believable stories among them. There sincerely was not a single part of the story which I doubted for even a second, so it's got a strong narrative behind it.
- Krillin's nose cannot be broken, for he does not have one. It's not that his nose is broken, it's just that he doesn't have one. This is stated very clearly in his fight against Bacterian.
- I would have liked an explanation for why Krillin wanted to be a martial arts practitioner in the first place. Presumably, there are other occupations in the Dragon World, so Krillin would have likely chosen a different one he was more fit for.
- The Krillin showcased in this story is not the Krillin that shows up at Roshi's island. That Krillin is very antagonistic, malevolent, and lazy. Remember the original scenes with him training with Roshi? That's how this Krillin should have been portrayed. He is very determined and well-meaning in this story, which isn't true to his original character.
Closing Comments: Sixth is a great story. It's well-written, well-plotted, and believable the whole way through. The only major problem here is the way that Krillin's character is portrayed; it doesn't lead up to his original appearances on Kame Island at all. It's more reminiscent of his character later in Dragon Ball and in Z. Overall, though, Sixth is definitely one of my favorite one-shots.
Final Rating: A+
- This is the best written story outside of Scelerat in the entire collection.
- That was a fabulous piece of character expansion with Kid Vegeta posing for the imaginary audience. That part may alone be my single favorite sentence in the entire collection.
- The whole story is really refreshingly subtle and it's nice how well you can deliver his anguish without being really overt about it.
- I really love the way that this presumably fuels his rage towards Frieza and the Ginyu Force later in the story, even if it's done subtly. It gives an excellent glimpse into how he was treated and why he hated the PTO later in his life.
- It doesn't seem right for Vegeta to refer to his own fists as small. That's a detail that he would leave out.
- I would have liked an increased level of context on what happened beforehand and Vegeta's relationship with the Ginyu force on the whole.
- Vegeta referring to the Ginyu Force as posers was probably the least in-character part of the story for him.
Closing Comments: Slaved is one of the most tragic, beautiful, and well written stories on the site. There are no major flaws in the story. There are no real problems and there is not much criticism I can offer for it. In its totality, Slaved is one of the best stories on the site, no question. It has aged amazingly well and it is one of the best examples of a one-shot on the wiki. I do not have enough kind words for a story like this.
Final Rating: S
- The writing is excellent. I don't agree with all the choices in style, but the writing is descript and very detailed. There's a lot of sensory imagery, such as the descriptions of the ocean and the island, and it helps in establishing a clear tone.
- The story is generally well paced and the characters are executed well. I liked the gradual build up to the fight scene against the alligator and all of the preceding action.
- The dialogue is colorful and serve their purpose well in developing the characters.
- I quite liked the incorporation of a tertiary character into the meeting of Roshi and Turtle. From a less talented author, the alligator's inclusion would have seemed just random, but you pulled it off well.
- Perfectly believable and realistic plot. It could have been a bit more expansive, but it worked quite well as it did.
- Right off the bat, I'm confused by the perspective of the story. It seems not to be a random omniscient narrator based on how he speaks (which is colloquial), but his later comments indicate that he is an omnicient third-person narrator. There's no point in giving a narrator a 'personality' if he's not going to be an actual character. It happens mostly in humorous literature so that alone sets off the tone of the story from the beginning.
- I've always assumed that Kame House got its name from Turtle. Therefore, you shouldn't refer to it as Kame House when Roshi has yet to recieve its namesake. You even allude to this later in the story, near the end.
- This would have been better if it had been from the perspective of Roshi. It would have enhanced the clarity and made for a more wholesome story.
- "This was the supposed good life" - flows better as "This was supposedly the good life"
- "for some reason, it made him feel empty; alone; unimportant" - likely because he was alone and unimportant
- "his anger clearly from being awoken." - Try something more direct like "he was angry because he had been woken up"
- "Nor did he notice when soft scream arose" and "he heard the helpless screams again" - contradiction in writing here
- "waving its flippers wildly as the alligator swung him again" - When did the alligator swing him the first time?
- The fight scene drags on for too long. I would have spent less time with Roshi fighting the alligator and more time progressing the story.
- I would edit the description of the story. It seemed to have more to do with the origin of the alligator than it had to do with Roshi meeting Turtle.
Closing comments: While this story did have a lot of small points that I didn't like much, it was still perfectly well put together. The plot was nice enough. It was ultimately just a simple short story and it was one that I enjoyed more than most. If the author were to fix most of the small errors in the story, it would be one of my favorite one-shots.
Final Rating: A
- King Vegeta's reaction to his son being taken away is definitely realistic. The relationship between King Vegeta and his elder son is never really explored, so it's nice that you give it some mention here.
- Good use of dialogue to progress the plot between King Vegeta and his commander.
- A strong mood is projected onto the reader through the story. The use of imagery to describe Tarble really gives way to emotion for the reader. I could relate pretty strongly to the parts of the story between Tarble and King Vegeta.
- The use of eyes in imagery is particularly strong. I don't know exactly why, but visualizing baby's eyes is particularly strong emotionally for me.
- "in fact, not since he’s son’s birth" - please fix that
- "He had run into the room, his face beaming with little Vegeta (his eldest son, who shared his name) in his arms." - his face was beaming with little Vegeta?
- "The little room, where his shameful son was being taken care of by a single old Saiyan woman was alien to him." - close your appositive
- "If Vegeta had been anyone else, of any other rank, he would have killed the boy himself; if only he could have, and spared himself of the humiliation. " - why couldn't he?
- "But it was, that for a brief moment, Vegeta felt regret over hiding his son in this way." - sentence does not make grammatical sense
- King Vegeta feels like he has neglected Tarble, but then he sends him away... what? I don't understand how his emotional progression leads to that resolution. Considering that King Vegeta thought he was going to defeat Frieza, it seems ultimately pointless for him to send Tarble away.
- "He regretted not the fact that Tarble would never know how he had saved him." - how did he save him?
- "Frieza’s death would be save the prince." - fix
Closing comments: Ultimately, I did not like this story as much as the others. My two main complaints are the lack of originality in the story and the emotional ambiguity of King Vegeta. As for the first, there is little new information given about Tarble. We already knew that he was sent away, so having that reiterated as the primary plot is none too helpful. As for King Vegeta's character, his emotional progression, simply put, does not make sense. He sends Tarble away to 'save' him, but we don't know what he's saving him from exactly. It also makes very little sense for him to deal with having neglected his son by sending his son away. Again, this would be fixed if the author were to make it clear that King Vegeta knew he would be defeated by Frieza, but the author does the exact opposite. As it stands, this story, although well written and emotionally powerful, has an uninteresting plot and muddled characterization.
Final Rating: B
- Overall, this is one of the best written of the Brady Patrick stories. There were actually no points that struck me as poorly written or awkward, and overall the writing is some of the cleanest that KidVegeta has ever produced.
- Probably the only good take I've ever seen on Hercule. He's one of the more interesting characters in DB and he's hardly ever used in fanon, so it's nice for him to be used here.
- Satan's zaniness is displayed really well here. There could be more room for transitioning, but for the most part his zany, all over the place character is displayed well.
- While it has its problems, this is one of the better examples of the first person perspective on the site. It's really difficult to pull off and the author did it pretty well here.
- Satan's voice is pretty inconsistent here. He goes from using more sophisted diction, like "reverberated through my bones", to saying really simple stuff like "was hurt pretty bad".
- Really sudden transition from Hercule's defeatist attitude to his really triumphant attitude in the first paragraph. It takes place over like a second.
- By this point, Mr. Satan wouldn't be referring to Goku as "that Goku guy". He's known him for multiple sagas. I'm fairly sure he can refer to him by his first name without any problems.
Closing comments: I do not have much to say about Skulk. It strikes me as a remarkably safe story, as there's nothing new in terms of content here. It's certainly an interesting experiment, as it's the first story I can recall which shows an event from the perspective of a specific character. However, my biggest problem with the story is that it adds very little to canon. There's not much new information on Satan given - there's no new depth to his character or his personality given through the first person. In the show, he is just a one-dimensional cartoon character - here, he is also a one-dimensional cartoon character. Therefore, I would suggest changing the setting, as it would give you more flexibility to work with Satan's character.
Final Rating: A+
- The writing is pretty good overall. I'd give it an 8.5/10. There is more awkwardness than usual, though.
- I did like the little hint you put in there that Zarbon was the one who advised Frieza to destroy Planet Vegeta, and that he did so because he disliked Vegeta so much.
- lol at the Zarbon coming out of the closet line
- Very well executed fight scene with Vegeta and the Frieza soldiers.
- The plot, while simple, is still generally believable and well presented.
- The part with Vegeta getting angry at Zarbon is really effective at explaining Vegeta's dislike of Zarbon, so it leads up really well to their later interactions in Z. That's probably the best part of the story, because it expands on both Vegeta's character and the dynamic between Vegeta and Zarbon. It's also very believable and serves the story's purpose very well.
- “Oh, I think he’s still on the assignment you sent him on.” - probably one of the weakest bits of dialogue in the BPC so far. I would consider something like "Oh, I think he's still on his assignment."
- "Zarbon nodded, and was off." - there should not be a comma there. It's a subordinate clause. Same goes for "Finding his pod, he opened the hatch, and collapsed inside."
- The dialogue, on the whole, is not very good at all here. None of it seems realistic and most of it just does not seem like anything anyone would say.
- The whole part with Kid Vegeta crying was written really stalely. There was no emotion projected into the writing - the whole thing felt very inauthentic and forced. Generally, with an emotional scene like that, the reader should feel something. However, I felt nothing in the scene, probably because of the lack of buildup.
- I'm going to give a few examples of awkward sentences in the writing, so you can get a clearer idea of what I'm referring to. There's more examples than the ones below, but these are a few that stood out to me.
- Vegeta was puzzled; for, he was sure he had cleared the planet.
- A small, horned creature, clad in purple armor, stood up from his bulbous hoverchair, and jumped off.
- This time, as he fell to his hands and knees again, it was in exhaustion, physical as much as mental.
- And cautious as he was acting, he noticed that no one seemed to know about the two rogues who had attacked him. Indeed, as he met with Frieza, his bows were met with equally chivalrous pings of regret for his race, and great admiration of his ability.
- The ending to the fight between Vegeta and the Frieza soldiers was really uninspired.
- I would have liked a more substantial explanation of why Zarbon was trying to kill Vegeta. I get that it's because he was jealous, but it's not explained very well in the story so that gets rid of a lot of character development the story could have had.
Closing comments: Strength is probably the weakest Brady Patrick story I have read so far. It's really hampered down by the comparatively weak writing and the flimsy dialogue, which strip the story of most of its potential excitement. In fact, all in all, it may have been the most weakly written KidVegeta story I have read thus far. The story also suffers from poor characterization on Zarbon's end and some really stale emotional segments. That said, I did enjoy the second half of the story much more, with the soldiers attacking Kid Vegeta and Vegeta confronting Zarbon. If the author were to have put more time into explaining Zarbon's character and revising the writing, this could have been a much better story.
Final Rating: B-
- Simply put, the writing is again one of the most cleanly written stories in the collection. There were no points in the story which had bad writing, so the writing is very strong.
- The whole part with Bardock wanting the three kids to admire him was nicely written and very well written for him. It's too bad that it was abandoned almost immediately afterwards.
- The part with Raditz wanting fatherly recognition from his father and his father completely ignoring him was a nice touch of irony.
- Very nice ending with Raditz' internal contemplation about his own weakness and his Father's probable shame. That last paragraph was the only part of the story that stood out to me, so nice job with that.
- "He stepped out into the rain, looking for the three Saiyan boys." - why is he looking for them? He just had a conversation with them and told them to put on their armor and all that. He's already found them.
- Improper use of appease
- Goku's pod didn't have information on Bardock on it, neither should Raditz'. It's really unlike Saiyan culture for there to be information on the boy's parents. You even allude to this with Bardock forgetting Raditz' name, so there's an internal contradiction in the story there.
- The story has a very weak plot. It doesn't make any sense for Bardock to be sent to Raditz' planet randomly, and unfortunately the whole story is contingent upon that. Considering that, the whole story feels unbelievable and has a very flimsy plot.
- No development of Bardock's character at all. You develop Raditz' character somewhat, but Bardock's character isn't progressed in any way. You do the same thing in Speedball - if you have a character-based story, it's always a good idea to develop all the canon characters you include. Bardock could have been any Saiyan and it wouldn't have made a difference story-wise, so it makes his whole inclusion feel random.
Closing Comments: Separator has basically two plot points. Bardock is sent to a planet and Raditz knows that Bardock's his Dad, but is conflicted about whether to tell him. Both of these plot points do not make sense. First off, you specifically state that Bardock has never been sent on a similar mission before, so it's unbelievable for his one mission to be to his son's planet without any explanation. Secondly, there is no reason for Raditz to know that Bardock is his Dad. It does not feel Saiyan-like to include a picture of his father and I simply do not believe that it would happen. Therefore, this story probably has the weakest plot of any KidVegeta story I have ever read. The only strong point is Raditz' character, which is really exceptionally developed. Outside of that, there's not much powerful content to be found here.
Final Rating: C
- One thing I can appreciate about the story is how you manage to include drugs in the story without making them humorous at all. Had you said, "he shot up heroin", I would have found it funny and wouldn't have been able to take the story seriously - but as it is written, the story feels very mature.
- Some of the most clear, eloquent writing on the site.
- Colorful, distinct dialogue which effectively develops the characters and progresses the plot
- The plot, while very simple, is nevertheless satisfying and one of my personal favorites.
- Generally speaking, a bar would kick you out if you started vomiting and shooting up drugs in the corner. I imagine this would be true in the Dragon Ball Universe as well.
- I don't understand why Nam would go to a bar to begin with.
- Nam's inclusion felt a bit weak. As it stands, it seems like Nam was included solely so that you could say you included a lesser-written about Dragon Ball character. Basically any other character could have been used in his place and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. If you are going to include characters like that, it would be beneficial for you to develop them in some way as well.
- I'm not sure if I can include this as a legitimate con or not, but I do not think this story struck as strong an emotional chord as some of the others in the collection. While certain parts of it were very moving, the mood was not projected onto the reader as strongly in this story as, say, Slaved.
Closing comments: Speedball is a very strong fanfiction. It is, in fact, one of the single strongest stories on the site. Aside from Nam's inclusion, I felt that there were virtually no problems with the story. The writing is great, the characters are developed well, and it is altogether well made. I would say that, in both concept and execution, it is one of my favorite stories on the website.
Final Rating: S
- Put bluntly, the part with Cooler training is probably the single best piece of writing Kid Vegeta has given us since In Requiem.
- The writing, on the whole, is excellent. I would give it a strong 9.5/10.
- Cooler is very well developed. It's a lot of new insight into his relationship with both Frieza and his Father, and his internal yearning to become the strongest in the universe leads well to his later appearance in the Cooler movies.
- Excellent dialogue. It's used almost to perfection, as it advances both the plot and develops the characters.
- King Cold is very well developed here, which is excellent. The way that he deals with Cooler and Frieza like they're little kids is an interesting take on his character and it's something I'm willing to believe.
- I probably sound like a broken record, but the characterization is probably the best so far in this story.
- Sadly, the writing wanes in quality after Cooler leaves his sepulcher. It's still solid, but I'd say that, if the first part was a 10, everything after that would be an 8. There's just a serious decrease in detail and effort put into the writing.
- I would have liked a more interesting take on how Cooler achieves his fifth transformation. The story isn't so much about how he achieves his fifth form as much as the transgressions that follow, so the description's really misleading in that regard.
- "“Cooler? You decided to come?” his father asked in surprised, if lazy droll." - droll isn't a noun, please don't use it as such
- Cooler doesn't strike me as the type to be excited, so everything about him holding back his excitement is out of character.
- I imagine that, if Cold could use four transformations, he would have used some of them in his fight against Trunks. It would make more sense if Cold couldn't progress past his second form.
Closing comments: Scelerat is a very strong story. The writing is excellent, the characters are both mostly in character and developed well, and the plot is wholly believable. Honestly, when my biggest problem with a story is that the writing isn't consistently amazing, I know that a really good story has been written. The story is easily one of the highest quality of the Brady Patrick stories.
Final Rating: S
- Really great idea for a story. Showing one of Tao's early days as a mercenary is a great idea.
- The early part, with Tao sneaking around, was a really well written and executed segment and I just liked it quite a lot.
- Excellently written story. Probably some of the best writing in the entire collection.
- A very well written fight scene. It's really descriptive and interesting to read. It really reminds me of the fights in Dragon Ball, where it's not based around energy attacks but instead upon physical martial arts.
- Improper use of the word "incessant". It doesn't make sense when describing a child.
- There's a rather clear contradiction in Tao's thoughts here. He wants to become well known as an assassin - his entire point in the assassination of the cellists - but at the same time he doesn't want to become known to the police. If he's not identified by the police or anyone else, there's no way for his name to be spread around and for him to become more well known. There has to be some distribution of his identity for that to occur.
- The dialogue is far from the best. It's not believable at all and is far too wordy, such as the line 'You may be stronger than my brother, but I have long since surpassed him!'
- “No, it’s my duty to make those who commit evil to pay." - should read 'who commit evil pay'.
- 'began grunting until he muscles' - fix
- 'though the only real damage either of them was giving one another was through weariness.' is a really awkward phrase and I would really consider revising it.
- 'And then, he heard the dreadful words he had been hoping not to:' - to, as it used here, is the key to the infinitive and cannot be used without the infinitive itself. The phrase has to be changed to 'And then, he heard the dreadful words he had been hoping not to hear:' - it's grammatically incorrect otherwise.
- "much less
itdo so much damage with it" - fix
- Overall, I would have liked to see less fighting in the story and more plot progression.
Closing Comments: It's hard for me to articulate what I like and dislike about Serial. It's a really unique fanon in a lot of ways; the tone, on the whole, is really different from basically all the other stories that I've read. It appears to be a homage to classic Japanese martial arts movies, based on the dialogue and the fight scene provided. The writing is also excellent - the entire story is very descriptive and cleanly written. The fight scene is probably one of my favorites, as well. However, the story also suffers from a lack of a strong plot and a lack of an interesting character on Shen and Roshi's part. Roshi's character is really great, but none of that is transferred into this story - he comes off as more of an archetype than anything else, which is probably intentional. However, as it stands, I found the story to be mostly boring. The characters are bland, the plot is dull, and the dialogue is really monochromatic. While the story is well-written and unique, it also inherits a large array of problems from the movies it's trying to portray.
Final Rating: B-
- Very well written story. I'd give it a 9/10. The level of detail and diction is excellent, not to mention the sheer skill that the author showcases in the story.
- The opening few paragraphs, with the Cell Jr. trying to attack Gohan, were really superbly written and detailed.
- Slagg's dialogue was really excellent. It developed a really clear voice for his character and gave his character a clear personality. Take note, because this is exactly what I look for in dialogue.
- The Cell Jr.'s anguish was all very well-written and clear and made sense in the context of the story.
- I really liked the whole scene with Cell Jr. fighting a series of Fighter Jets in space and the subsequent fight with Crusty Pete. A scene like that is excessively difficult to write, so it showcased a lot of writing prowess to execute it effectively.
- Really excellent job with the Cell Jr.'s character. The author manages to keep the Cell Jr. simple in terms of characterization while nevertheless making the tragedy of his character abundantly clear. More important than that, though, is the way that the character's actions are handled. Every gesture, every movement, every attack that the Cell Jr. makes feels very appropriate for the canon character.
- The whole bit with him killing the aliens was well written and well executed.
- The whole scene with the Cell Jr. making his way through the ship, and the accompanying music, was really well-done. Dare I say that it was the most well-written action sequence I have ever read?
- The end of the story, which provided no realistic escape for the Cell Jr., was exceptionally well executed. Not only was it an excellent twist, I also really like how it left the tragedy of the Cell Jr. completely unresolved. It was a very dark ending and one that I enjoyed very much.
- The inclusion of words like speedball really disrupt the flow of the story. While the inclusion of all 12 titles was impressive, they make for some pretty awkward reading at points and only serve to satisfy an in-story easter egg.
- While the opening paragraphs were excellent, the part with Cell Jr. being flung into the sky was a disappointment. It didn't really make much sense, truthfully, that a Kamehameha would send someone on the ground out into space. It was all very clear up until that point, so that whole section and the accompanying description was not very powerful.
- "Standing up, he found that he had arms and legs again; though this was not wholly unusually." - I believe that should be fixed
- "(spinelessly laughing, by the way)" and "liked to sit around and chat, to sit around and chew the fat" - I understand both references, but they really throw off the flow of the story on the whole and make for some really non-fluid reading.
- I fail to see why Slagg would care to explain anything to the Cell Jr. It makes no difference to Slagg whether or not the Cell Jr. can express himself.
- I see no reason to include the fact that the Cell Jr. had hallucinations if you aren't going to give any explanation of what happened in these hallucinations. Either don't include them or describe them - don't half-ass it.
- I see no reason that Crusty Pete would come play the belly for the Cell Jr. It doesn't make sense in context with how the Cell Jr. is treated otherwise, so that felt rather unrealistic.
- The whole bit with him recognizing Goku was really contrived. His appearance should have been mentioned earlier and then brought up again here. It would also have made more sense if Crusty Pete had more of a reason to be with the Cell Jr. in the first place.
- Small nitpick, but the Cell Jr. shouldn't have known Instant Transmission. Cell himself didn't learn the move until he regenerated upon blowing up King Kai's planet, which was long after he created the Cell Jr's .
- "fervor of a girl climbing through a bathroom window to get a glance at Paulie (or wear his trousers like any good Samaritan would do)" - wtf?
- "So I have to lots of planets to keep the ship runnin’." - fix
- "No, he had to at least get out of the path of the suction machine before anything else." - really awkward sentence, consider revision
- "As soon as he saw the Cell Jr., he pointed his hand, and ordered them attack." - should be "to attack"
- "Regardless, the Cell Jr. then landed, and walked through the crowd of bodies and wounded" - wounded is an adjective but is here being used as a noun, please correct
- I see no reason that the second mate had to have been included at all. His presence made no difference.
- "This caused the old pirate to yell, and drop him, he stuttered back, hugging his burnt stomach." - two problems: 1) improper use of stutter and 2) no conjunction before "he stuttered back".
Closing comments: Reading this review, one might think that I despised Sovereign. This is not the case whatsoever. Sure, there were a few problems, but all in all this was an extremely enjoyable fanfic. It is one of the singlemost unique and interesting stories on the site. The dark tone goes well with the dark fate shown for the Cell Jr.s in the show. About the Cell Jr. himself, I have few complaints. The two principle characters were both well-made and well-executed, their motivations driving their roles throughout the story. My biggest problem with the story would simply have to be Crusty Pete's mostly unexplained inclusion - other than that, I had no real problems with the plot. Sovereign is an excellent, unique, and powerful one-shot that I would reccomend to anyone.
- Fantastic writing. It's very descriptive, cleanly written, and the diction is great. It's definitely one of the best written stories in the collection.
- This goes along with the fantastic writing, but it's really great how the author manages to write very long sentences without them seeming awkward at all. That's a really rare skill and it's very impressive in this story.
- The little bits of humor, such as the advertisement and Korin's many witty observations, are really excellent.
- aw yeah, epic reference to the Space Cod Wars and Whiney-Face and Bigman and Broly
- I really liked the part with how old people discriminated against animals. Nice touch.
- The idea of making catnip illegal is a really clever touch and it really helps to shape up the Dragon society.
- The dialogue, while not perfect, is still effective in developing the characters and progressing the story.
- I like that there's some character development for Korin here, but that it's by no means the focus of the story. It's still really well done as it is.
- I would have liked a more natural explanation of why Korin was searching for a new catbed. As it stands, he randomly starts talking about Yajirobe, so that disrupts the flow a bit.
- "if that that fat fool wanted something to eat" - fix
- "Even being who he was, Korin could not stop the chemical reactions in his brain causing him to flop about on the floor." should be "Even being who he was, Korin could not stop the chemical reactions in his brain from causing him to flop about on the floor."
- "he plucked out a small green bean and showed it to avaricious man." - there should be a 'the' in there.
- Korin's dialogue seems just a wee bit off. Can you imagine Korin saying, "I bet that's a pretty dangerous job!"? I know that I can't.
Closing comments: Has there ever been a story so wonderful as Slick? Well, probably, but it's certainly up there. Consider this the whimsical equialent of In Requiem - the writing is nearly flawless, the story is excellent, and the whole thing is perfectly executed. Perhaps the most impressive part of the story was that it could so seemlessly develop an entire society, without ever taking itself too seriously. Over the course of 2,470 words, my only problems with the story were three typos and two minor problems - hardly anything at all. Slick is one of my favorite stories on the site - of that, there is no doubt.
Final Rating: S
The Brady Patrick Collection is a collection of stories which all serve to showcase the author's immense ability. The writing is thoroughly top-notch, the characters are generally well-developed, and I have few complaints in regards to the plot. When it comes to a collection of stories, there are simply none better than The Brady Patrick Collection.
I would rate the stories, from best to worst, as the following:
(I will not be giving a final rating for the collection, because that would be pointless)
The Geti Goku Stories
- Writing is slightly above average. I'd probably give it around a 5.5/10. I have some problems with the writing, which I'll expound on in the cons section.
- I'm glad that you moved the setting to Earth, as random as it was. It made more sense there.
- "engaging Sekai Shenron in what would be the most legendary sword fight of the century" - I got a solid laugh out of that line.
- Right off the bat, the biggest problem with the writing is tense misusage. The author constantly shifts between tenses, with sentences like 'If one looks closely enough, silhouettes of darkness can be seen distorting the fabric of space and time'. This should be "If one looked closely enough, silhouettes of darkness could be seen distorting the fabric of space and time". Also, it should be noted that all silhouettes are, by definition, of darkness.
- A lot of the story simply does not make sense. Phrases like 'silhouettes of darkness can be seen distorting the fabric of space and time' are pretty much just gibberish, and don't do anything to progress or move along the story.
- Slow down. Give us some context. Who is Geti Goku? What is Akoni the king of? Who are his generals? You should always start off with some form of exposition.
- The dialogue is very badly written. "Now, hopefully I could get an actual challenge this time around… My previous loss, was a fluke. My Victory, is assured” just does not sound like something that any organism would ever say.
- Be sure to work on placing your commas appropriately and not just placing them around randomly. Most of the commas in the story do not serve a purpose, such as "My victory, is assured". There's no reason to have a comma there.
- The writing structure is just strange. Sentences like "Within these Makyo Stars contain the very essence of Magic, one which was attained by seeping the very essence of the void itself." are very vague and their grammar is very poor. I'm not sure if these types of errors are caused by carelessness or by a lack of knowledge of the English language, but I'm leaning toward the latter.
- While I understand that these characters are probably explained in other pages, I should not have to read those pages to understand this story. Consider this story an independent, autonomous story. When I am watching an anime, I should not have to look on pages to fully comprehend what's going on - the same should be true here. You should always assume that the reader knows nothing of the Geti star or of who Geti Goku is.
- By making Geti Goku immortal, you are pretty much removing any threat of him losing.
- Keep phrases like, "Little did he know it was about to happen!" out of the stories. It's really overt fullshadowing and it's fairly unnecessary to include.
- Very little buildup in the story. Really, the whole plot is just that Akoni wants to fight Geti Goku. You might as well just write a fight scene if that's all that's going to happen. There's no real plot here.
- Uh, what? Why is Bulma declaring war on the Saiyans and Ice-Jins? This is not explained at all. Furthermore, Bulma is not in character at all.
- Again - I do not understand the story. You need to include more build-up and exposition if you want people to understand your fanon.
- Extremely muddled fight scene. No idea who is who and it's not well written enough for me to understand it clearly. One second Bulma is fighting the Saiyans and Ice-Jins, the next she is attacking the Demon realm.
- Including new transformations like Omega Goku is very pointless and is just a case of extreme overpowering. You should at least explain how it was achieved or what it is.
- It is worth mentioning that none of this makes any sense. While it's certainly ambitious, the author does not quite have the skill necessary to pull off a large inter-species fight scene. It ends up seeming just like a random string of actions and spellcasting.
- This also has almost nothing to do with Dragon Ball. It seems more like a badly done League of Legends skirmish with the names of Dragon Ball characters.
- Akoni is about as interesting as a blank, evil-leaning piece of paper.
- Please start a new paragraph for each line of dialog.
- I am unable to enjoy any of this because I cannot visualize it. You just list off a bunch of attacks and pretend it's a fight scene. I am not interested in hearing how Akoni fired off an interdimensional energy ball at Goku. I am interested in their internal struggles, in how the energy ball looks, in how the two's wits are matched in the fights.
- Considering that Geti Goku is immortal and invincible, there is no tension in the story. He literally cannot die. It is completely pointless to read this considering that I already know that Akoni will fail.
- So there is no character development here. I don't even know who Supreme buu is, much less care about how many demons he killed. Please at least write a detailed fight scene or develop the characters - you do neither.
- Magic was never really used as an attack in Dragon Ball, so I don't understand why it's being used so extensively here. This really does not seem anything like Dragon Ball - it feels like something else with a few Dragon Ball names thrown in. Honestly, I think this might be in violation of some of the site rules.
- So at one point you legitimately just list off a list of attacks. This does not make for good reading.
- Akoni shouldn't be telling Geti Goku that he improved. He lost their last fight.
- Geti Goku has trillions of clones now? What is the point of this fight exactly?
- Including Starcraft and all these different races really just makes for a very confusing story. I can't follow the fight scene or anything, really. It was a really poor choice and you should rethink it.
- Why am I supposed to care about any of this? It's just a bunch of random moves with no characters or anything. I am completely non-engaged in the story.
- There are entire sections with no relation to Dragon Ball. There is no plot development, so it's hardly worth it to read them at all. They're just big fights between characters from a variety of different games and they're pointless, honestly.
- I'm sorry, but this is unreadable. I genuinely cannot read this. It's just awful.
- The Planet War segments are some of the poorest, most random, and most pointless segments I have ever read. You do not explain any of the characters and you do not explain anything. There is no plot. There is no content here.
- It has gotten to the point where the characters are so overpowered that there is no chance for you to have a decent fight. Everything is just "he killed 423094823 monsters but they regenerated and then they attacked him so he summoned 43257972320 more soldiers from the realm of gobbledegook and they fused to attack the Omega motherfucker from the planet cuntflap". That was actually a lot more explanatory than most of your fight scenes.
- So the fusion of a trillion clones should probably be strong enough to you know, do something. However, in this story, the fusion just kinda stands there and doesn't do anything.
- The characters are so overpowered that nothing can happen in the fights. Literally, one character can blast the other into oblivion and he would just regenerate. I don't want to read about all of this knowing that none of it will yield a result.
- Another form is introduced, known as Ultima Form. again, I don't see the relevance of it, nor am I given any weighing mechanism to compare it to other forms, so it's pretty much just another random addition.
- Why is Bulma a general again?
- Bulma made a Gogeta? This is stupid.
- What is Planet War exactly? Is it a corporation? Why is there a headquarters for it? Why does it exist?
- While I don't have any unique cons for the first part of part 3, it is exactly the same as the rest of the story.
- Stupid Geti Dragon shit
- If Akoni created a thousand clones, that should not compare to Geti Goku's trillion clones.
- "warping the very fabric of existence and nonexistence in his hands." - again, meaningless nonsense
- So Geti Goku has another state on top of his Ultima form? A Lord of Dragons state? Huh, this isn't excessive at all.
- Geti Goku is immortal. We already know that he won't be destroyed. Don't try to trick us into thinking something is true when we know it's not.
- They call... a truce? They call a truce? That's the conclusion to the battle? They call a truce and leave? After all this fighting, they just call a truce and leave? That's the best resolution you could come up with? Really, man?
- And suddenly it ends. And that's it. The three-story war ends without anything having changed. I have read stories before that I thought were pointless and plotless, but this one is truly less meaningful than any of those. There is no resolution to anything. People just leave. There is no impact to any of it. People just leave. I have read three chapters of this nonsense for absolutely no reason at all.
- So, um, are we just going to introduce Heinemba and immediately get rid of him? He had like a line of dialogue and suddenly sekai shenron showed up.
- Sekai Shenron is ridiculously overpowered. He also does not make any sense as a character. He just comes to the universe to fight people. That's a really terrible backstory and it's uninteresting to read.
- If Sekai Shenron was looking for the most powerful fighters, why would he go to Earth instead of directly to the Geti star?
- "the geti star prepared the clone army in preparation" - terrible piece of writing there
- So after you make the move to Earth, you immediately move away. There was no reason to include the Earth section at all if you're not going to give it any purpose.
- Geti Goku says that he has never combatted a foe for so long after battling Sekai Shenron for like three lines in spite of the fact that he just fought Akoni for like 3 chapters.
- Sekai Shenron is just as uninteresting as Akoni in terms of characterization, he's just more powerful. That does not make him more interesting to read about. His dialogue is also very stale.
- Again, all the characters are so overpowered and boring that it makes it pointless to read about them.
- "distorting space and time to unrecognizable shapes" - more nonsense
- Sekai Shenron's defeat was as uninteresting as any of the other fights in the story. I also do not understand what made that battle any more exciting than his battle with Akoni.
Closing comments: This story is just the same bad thing over and over again. If I could, I would write every con explaining that the entire story is just incoherent writing, but I understand that that wouldn't be helpful. In its current form, Geti Goku is a story that no human being could potentially enjoy. It has almost nothing to do with Dragon Ball, the characters are overpowered and dull, and the fight scenes are incoherent. There is no plot. It is just a string of badly executed fights and there is no plot progression. Plot points are brought up and almost immediately abandoned. There is no tension and there is no reason for me to care about any of it. As it stands, Geti Goku is one of my least favorite stories and I think that it is mostly unreadable.
Final Rating: F-
This will be my first time reviewing a character, so please do excuse me if it's a bit rough around the edges.
Also, I'm not going to comment on parts of the story that aren't related to his character. I would do that in a review of the Dragon Ball AF story.
- The page is well-organized. I especially like the infobox to the side.
- Very extensive information. While it's far from detailed, the author does talk about most part of Jamie's life.
- Well, it's good that you gave your characters a few minor flaws. He's impatient, hot-headed, and has a fear of sharks. It's a good start toward making a balanced character.
- Good detail put into his list of attacks.
- So first off, you mention that three people have been permanently fused with Eternal Dragons, but you only give two of their names. There's a lot of clarity to be desired there.
- While I wouldn't quite call the character a stu, I would say that he's overpowered. He's born a Super Saiyan, is fused with an Eternal Dragon, and is more powerful than Frieza without ever training. This has a negative impact on your story because it strips him of his believability while also greatly narrowing down his potential challengers.
- "He lacks a Widow Peak like Goku and Bardock does meaning that Raditz's having a Widow's Peak is unknown." - What does Raditz' hair have to do with anything?
- Fairly poor grammar. There's a lot of mistakes present in the writing and it makes for some really bad reading when most of the sentences have improper grammar. I can still understand what you're saying, but it's not easy some of the time.
- His personality is really boring and is basically just a typical Saiyan. I don't see how this character can be considered anything other than a normal saiyan, outside of the fact that he's stronger.
- "after they discovered that he was Super Saiyan" - what does that even mean? You're just making him a Super Saiyan without telling us how he became a Super Saiyan and that's really poor writing. All Super Saiyans have a "trigger", but you don't give us one for Jamie, so that once again detracts from his believability.
- Supreme Kai just taking Jamie away is a really bad plot point, because it's not believable for Supreme Kai to do something like that. I also don't see why King Vegeta wouldn't just kill Jamie, seeing as that's what they did with Broly. Furthermore, you state that they don't want "another" disaster, but I'm not sure what the first disaster was. There's not much time left after Broly, so you need to clarify that.
- You state that Jamie decides not to show anymore hostility after his tenth birthday, but I'm not sure why he makes that decision or how he showed hostility in the first place.
- "Sometime in 767 he heard that the Cell Games had subsided while he was training on an isolated Planet he became an Ascended Saiyan and Ultra Saiyan (Super Saiyan 3)" - Why does he care about the Cell Games? How does he become an Ascended Saiyan? an Ultra Saiyan? These are all questions that you need to answer for us.You need to give us a legitimate reason for him to achieve these Super Saiyan forms. It would help to make his character more believable and would improve his backstory.
- Why does he simply watch when Buu Too attacks Gotenks and Gohan? Does he know the Z Fighters at this point? Why does he feel a need to go to Earth when he finds out that Buu Too is made with the cells of many different Z Fighters? His character history and progression is really muddled here and it's hard to understand why he's making any of the choices he makes.
- Apparently, despite not having ever apparently trained or taken on any enemies, ss2 Jamie is able to defeat Buu Too (Majin Frieza Absorbed). He is essentially the definition of overpowered.
- He apparently has Super Saiyan 5. This is a really bad plot choice almost universally and is not something I would ever suggest to include without really extensive explanation. You, however, offer no explanation whatsoever and just say that he turns into a Super Saiyan 5.
- In the History section, the story becomes completely incoherent. He turns into a Super Saiyan, plays around for a while, and then Buu absorbs Babidi and beats him. It doesn't really make any sense. He also threatens to grant a wish to kill everyone, which makes just as little sense.
- Why does he have the power to regrow other people's tails?
- Okay, so wait, he's able to revive any character ever? Logically, then, isn't he immortal, as he can just revive himself if he dies?
- He also makes Raditz and Nappa into Super Saiyan fours. This is really stupid. If he can magically increase other people's Super Saiyan levels, why doesn't he just make himself a Super Saiyan 1214 and kill everything? His power should be basically unlimited.
- Did he really just force Nappa to fuse with Piccolo? What the hell?
- Why is his ability to grant Super Saiyan levels limited to Super Saiyan 4? That's a really silly arbitrary limit to place upon his powers.
- Jamie essentially just makes everyone impossibly strong for no reason. This is a terrible plot point. Instead of having one overpowered Jamie, you have like 20 overpowered Z Fighters.
- Why does Jamie care so much about Gotenks being strong? Why not make someone else, like Vegito or Gogeta, strong? Or, otherwise, why not make two people's bases super strong, so that when they fuse it's an incredibly strong fusion?
- Mystic Gohan is different than Super Saiyan Gohan. You can't simply combine the two.
- Using fusion as a plot device to defeat Buu Too is a really poor and lazy way to resolve the conflict. It'd be good if Jamie used one of his character traits to defeat Buu because that would actually be unique to his character.
- So Jamie can copy any technique? That's a really effective way to strip all of the other characters of their own unique qualities. Considering that Jamie can learn any technique and is stronger than all of them, there's really no reason for you to ever have any other character do anything.
- Nova gives his life to save Jamie? Who is Nova, first of all? It's also really ridiculous how all of the characters seem to admire Jamie for no real reason.
- Why does Jamie want to make Goku a Super Saiyan 5?
- Why won't Jamie let Goku leave the Kai Realm until he becomes a Super Saiyan 5? That's even sillier.
- While the Fight with Eloise section has no unique cons, it still features Jamie just as overpowered as the rest of the story and features no character progression whatsoever.
- (A Super Saiyan Supreme Kai is a really stupid idea. It's not a problem with Jamie per se, but it's still really awful)
- I hate how, any time there's a problem, Goku and Jamie just fuse. Jamie never does anything remotely interesting. He just powers up, transforms, fuses, and uses energy attacks. He has no internal conflicts or anything, he just fights.
- Why does Jamie bother to make an energy shield considering that the planet is going to blow up anyways? That's a really pointless plot point.
- What? Did you just have Babidi mutate into Janemba? That's a really really really ridiculous way to have Jamie get a villain, considering that Janemba already has a backstory.
- The entire Other World Saga is just the Janemba movie with Jamie in the place of Goku. This is a prime example of his lack of a character, as he can be interchanged with any other Saiyan without it changing anything.
- Why would Jamkon want to become a great ape? Why not just go Super Saiyan 5 or something more powerful?
- Lol you have Jamie revive himself. There really is no relevance at all to him dying, so there's no tension at all in the story. There's no reason to care about any of it.
- Evil Goku is at best half as strong as Goku, so he really should be no match for Jamie. His power is really inconsistent.
- Giving him a Green Great Ape form is one of the most random things I have ever read.
- So near the end you bring in Super Saiyan 6. This is completely unnecessary and just shows a complete lack of originality in writing.
- In the one special, you basically just have it to show how powerful Jamie is. There's no detail to it, you just have SS2 Jamie defeat LSS3 Broly with a finger beam. That's really boring, pointless, and I would not be interested in watching it. One thing which people have trouble understanding is that I am not interested in how powerful your character is. This is all made up, so you could make a character as powerful as you want to. This does not impress me, it only bores me.
- Why would he prefer Super Saiyan 3 to Super Saiyan 2?
- So you give Jamie all the Super Saiyan levels up to level 9. Not only is this really unnecessary, it's also a really boring way to resolve a conflict. If a character just levels up each time he needs to defeat an enemy, it becomes really predictable and pretty much pointless to read. It's best to stick with the first few levels and use those creatively to resolve conflicts.
- I don't think its necessary to include a list of characters he's killed. We would see all of those if we just read the story. Same thing for his list of fights.
Closing Comments: At first glance, Jamie appears to be an all right character page. He is well organized, the grammar is only slightly below average, and he's got an extensive history. However, upon closer inspection, I have a few main problems with his character.
- He's godmodded. He is literally capable of bringing himself back from the dead. Therefore, if he dies, he is instantly able to bring himself back to life. It removes all tension from the story. To fix this, I would suggest defusing him from the Eternal Dragon, as it would get rid of his ability to grant wishes whenever he wants to.
- He's overpowered. He has an obscene number of Super Saiyan levels and it is never explained how he achieves any of them. He's stronger than all of the Z Fighters without ever seemingly training. To fix this, I would suggest removing his fanon transformations and scaling back his power.
- He's boring. He has virtually no personality and he never does anything interesting. He just fuses, transforms, and fires an energy attack. He is never clever, witty, or interesting. To fix this, I would give him a role which is atypical of Saiyans and drastically change his role in the story.
I don't think that his character is beyond redemption. I do think, however, that in its current form, this character is not compatible with a good story and is not interesting in the slightest. To fix this, the author would have to drastically alter the character, the story, and the character's role in the story. As it stands currently, I have no choice but to give this character the lowest grade possible.
Final Rating: F-
This will be my first time reviewing a video game, so I apologize if it's rough around the edges.
- I like the moving text banner/graphic.
- Pretty good writing. It's mostly average but the grammar and spelling is still proper.
- Nice. Gameplay from Budokai Tenkaichi and graphics from Raging Blast is a big win for me.
- I liked the bit about how you could fuse with Nail for a stat boost if you're a Namekian.
- Survival mode is a nice addition.
- I like the DP battle mode. Pretty cool idea.
- Stage creator - nice.
- Solid list of characters and stages.
- Great job with the voice actors.
- Because the game features elements from all three series, it should probably be "Dragon Ball: Tenkaichi X" rather than "Dragon Ball Z: Tenkaichi X". Calling it Dragon Ball Z gives off the impression that it only includes characters from Dragon Ball Z.
- I've never seen the point of an explorable map in story mode. They had one in Budokai Tenkaichi 2 and it was pretty lame.
- How would one decide what the character in Hero Mode would say? Would they record it with a mic or select from a list of predetermined options?
- It'd be cool if you could choose to be a human as well. It makes more sense to let someone choose to be a human than for them to choose to be a member of Frieza's race (who shall henceforth be referred to as Arcosians).
- Fighting enemies like Spopovich and Yamu as Saiyans would get rather dull rather quickly.
- It would make more sense for the Majin race to be going against the Saiyans rather than against the Tuffles. That's rather random, and you'd also have to create a lot more characters for the Tuffles, whereas you could just use the Saiyans otherwise.
- Definitely need some more info on Mission 100.
- Some of the sections, such as the online section, are really lacking in information.
- The Battle of Gods should also be dubbed if you're going to include all those other movies.
- You should take some time to organize the character list better than just alphabetically. Organize them by series and then by sagas, so that I can see which characters come from where in the DB chronology. This would make it a lot easier for me to process.
- Some characters, like Zorn, Ox-King, Oolong, and the RRA commanders, have no place in the game. It'd be really difficult to come up with unique movesets for most of them.
- There could be some more creativity put into the list of achievements. For instance, RB2 has achievements for winning certain battles with certain characters in duel mode. Also, some online achievements would be a big plus.
Closing comments: All in all, this is a mostly original game. The hero mode would be good, the character list is expansive, and there's a few original, cool game modes. However, outside of those things, this game feels more like a next-gen remake of BT3 than anything else. Now, BT3 is a great game, so that's fine in and of itself, but I'd prefer it if there were more game modes that hadn't been seen elsewhere in Dragon Ball games. The only two I can think of are Destruction Points and Survival mode, and those are both just variations on duel mode. There's also stage creator, which is the sole really good idea on the page. Ultimately, if you were add in some more creative games, this would be an excellent game page and one that I would be likely to buy.
Final Rating: B+
- Frieza's dialogue with Zarbon is one of my favorite conversations on the wiki. It's a really subtle joke and it's clever.
- Having the goggles that block blutz waves was a clever idea.
- Pretty decently written Fight Scenes in the tournament itself. I especially like the fight between Sonyo and the much older Saiyan.
- Manori winning against Sonyo was a nice and unexpected twist. It was probably my favorite part of the first saga.
- You should link to the theme of the story in the introduction, rather than posting a video of it,
- You shouldn't have to give an explanation for how your theme fits the story.
- Opening scene is really lacking in build-up. You should have had the soldier try to find the Super Saiyan, fail, and then come back and get killed by Frieza. It would have been more impactful.
- Dialogue is really inconsistent, through and through. Some of it is good and some of it is rather rubbish. Be sure to read aloud your quotes to make sure they sound realistic to improve the quality.
- Sometimes the dialogue is over-explanatory, such as "I told you not to come back unless you were sure who the Super Saiyan was."
- Chapters are far too short. There's no way they could fill up 22 minutes.
- You should have started at an earlier point in their friendship so that you could develop their relationship in a more interesting way. As it stands, they're just two really friendly saiyans, and that's not believable at all.
- 'tuff' is spelled 'tough'.
- Below average grammar and spelling. There's a lot of missing punctuation and words are occasionally misused.
- No reasonable explanation or motivation for them to sneak into the meeting.
- Really average portrayal of the Saiyan rebellion. King Vegeta deciding to use the LSS as his secret weapon is a pretty poor plot point, as I don't think he would consider anybody other than himself or his son to be the Super Saiyan. They don't even know what that is at this point.
- Why do you separate single pieces of dialogue into two lines?
- A tournament is a really cliched and overdone idea. There are numerous tournaments in Dragon Ball already, so there's no reason to have another one.
- Why would there be two divisions? Why not just have the children and adults fight each other from the beginning? That's a really poor and under-explained idea.
- Having a tournament to find the strongest Saiyan is really unnecessary. They should already be able to keep tabs on who the strongest Saiyans are.
- The story would work better in normal writing format. You would have more room to explain things and wouldn't have to explain all of the story through dialogue, so it would improve the quality of your dialogue and would make the story clearer.
- Why are Sonyo and Manori going to enter the tournament to begin with? Are they exceptionally strong fighters? Do they have any legitimate chance of winning?
- Manori is unrealistic. No other Saiyan is ever shown to have immediate control of the Oozaru form.
- Logically, they should have transformed at some point in the past, as they would have seen the moon before.
- No real point for them to cut off Sonyo's tail. It prevents him from training in the Oozaru form later in the story, so they should've just destroyed the artificial moon.
- The saiyans, overall, are overpowered. Their King at this point is 12,000 in power and Nappa is around 8,000 as their general, so I can't imagine a random Saiyan having a power level of 7,000.
- You can't simply multiply power levels together. That's not how DBZ works. For instance, Krillin was able to take out 3 Saibamen, despite having a power level much less than 3,600.
- Cabus has no real personality. His entire introductory chapter was fairly pointless.
- Turnup is a really terrible and uncreative name for a character.
- What did Turnup learn to do on another planet? It's really unclear. Did he learn to lower his power level or did he learn to use afterimage? Be clear in your writing.
- You simply state that Sonyo learns to control his Oozaru form. Not only is this bad writing, it also makes the earlier chapter with him trying to learn to control it really pointless.
- The dialogue in the tournament itself is really sparse and almost universally bad.
- There was no point in including more than one Paramedic.
- Cabus' inclusion is really hackneyed and it's not something that I'm willing to believe. He's just a random Saiyan with a high power level, so there's nothing interesting about him at all. There was no sense of tension in his battle against Sonyo.
- Cabus should not have reverted back to base form. That only happens when a Saiyan either loses their tail or the source of the Blutz wave is destroyed.
- Having Sonyo disintegrate Cabus like that was a really bad point for characterization. I'm now unsure what to think about Sonyo: is he malevolent or benevolent? He was really sadistic when he did that and his character didn't build up to that point at all. It was really random.
- Cabus, in general, is a really random inclusion.
- How large is the ring? It has to be pretty huge for two Oozaru monkeys to stand on it. With that in mind, I have to imagine there wouldn't be many ring-outs when the characters are in base form.
- Manori winning the adult division was really unbelievable. Considering how much detail and effort you put into the previous fights, it was really a let-down for you to describe the fight against the adult champion so little. Furthermore, I fail to see a reason for you to even include an Adult division, if it's going to get basically no description.
- Really out of character for King Vegeta in the first chapter. I don't see why he cares so much about any of the events described in the chapter. Also, if Prince Vegeta is stronger than Manori, why wouldn't he just train him? Wouldn't he also make more sense than Sonyo as a training partner?
- Does Vegeta change his mind on killing the Saiyan children? There's nobody to carry out such a plan, especially since he just killed Saled.
- Why would he only choose to have Broly executed? Why not the others?
Closing Comments: Rising Moon is a collection of badly thought out and poorly executed ideas. The characters are underdeveloped, the dialogue is shoddy at best, and the story is half-baked the whole way through. It's not a believable story and the plot is pretty poor. However, with that said, it's still far from the worst story on the site. The fight scenes are good. The plot has some twists. There're some entertaining conversations and there are some interesting ideas here. With that said, I cannot give this story the lowest rating possible. It wouldn't be fair to.
Final Rating: F+
- The story's style is unique. I like the way that each chapter is in first-person but from the perspective of different characters.
- The spelling and grammar mechanics are all right. There is frequent tense misusage, but all in all I can understand what the author is saying.
- I appreciate the fact that you tried to include some character/relationship development into your story. It wasn't very successful, but it was admirable that you attempted it.
- Piccolo's plan to self-amputate and then regenerate was certainly a good one.
- Virtually every sentence in the story is a run-on, which makes for really consistently awkward reading. Be sure to use punctuation appropriately and be sure to keep sentences at a reasonable length.
- The introduction of a random female saiyan is a really overdone plot point and is very unoriginal. I would generally advise against the introduction of new OC Saiyans.
- No variation in the first-person style between the different characters. They all have exactly the same voices. When Vegeta is talking, it should sound nothing like how Gohan talks.
- Why would Vegeta blow up the spaceship if nobody was in it?
- The characters, all in all, have no personality. Their dialogue is really lacking in color and they all speak exactly the same, both internally and externally.
- Vegeta is very out of character. He's not nearly bad ass enough.
- Really dull fight scenes.
- Gohan, as a scholar, should logically have a better understanding of medicine than Chi-Chi.
- Pretty poorly written dialogue.
- Gohan saw Celeria come down in a Saiyan space pod. He should not be surprised to find out she is a Saiyan.
- "The girl with her was her little sister named, she was barely one year old." - are you just not going to give her little sister's name? That's rather important.
- The fact that Celeria was on her way to Earth but was knocked off course by a mysterious ship was a stupid plot point. It's rather pointless, too, because she ended up getting to Earth anyways.
- Don't include the word 'etc.' in your prose. That word should be reserved for lists and auxillary pages.
- Celeria is really boring. Her character is really bland and her dialogue isn't much better.
- They didn't revive the Saiyans because they couldn't revive them. The Dragon Ball can only revive someone who died within the past year, so they couldn't have done that had they wanted to.
- How can something look dead but alive at the same time? How can something appear that way? Be specific.
- You spend a significant amount of time reiterating what has already happened, which does not make for good reading at all.
- The story is really blandly written and the style is very boring. There's very little description of any sort and it's just boring.
- Why does Goku have such specific information on the disease that came to Earth? Why is he a source of knowledge so suddenly?
- The disease blocking King Kai's signal is a really stupid plot point and it is very forced. It also does not make much sense, seeing as how Goku just talked to Gohan in the presence of Vegeta.
- The baby sister has no story relevance whatsoever.
- Why do they have to leave the Lookout in such a hurry? There's no urgent threat to them at that moment. Gohan yelling like that was also rather out of character.
- This whole plot was already done in GT, wherein Baby infected all the creatures on Earth, so that detracts from the originality of the story.
- The Lookout would be much more safe than Chi-Chi's house. There was no reason for them to flee there.
- I'd like a more valid reason for the inclusion of Tien than "we need all the help we can get".
- I'd like an actual description of their argument rather than just "they argued for a long time".
- Every bit of tension is lost when Gohan and Piccolo walk casually away from the pack of zombies. It was really pointless to include that because you resolved it so soon after.
Closing comments: This story takes a fascinating idea, that of a zombie invasion on Dragon Earth, and makes it into a really dull story. It's boring, blandly written, poorly characterized, and wholly unexciting the whole way through. Over five chapters, basically nothing has happened. The pacing is bad and the whole story is just dull. Overall, this is not a story that I could reccomend to anyone.
Final Rating: F
- I really appreciate the artwork included in the page. They're well drawn pictures and it shows that you've put a lot of effort into the page.
- I like the fact that she has a wide range of negative qualities. She's definitely one of the more balanced fanon characters on the site.
- She's not overpowered either, which is also good.
- So we know that she exists in an alternate universe, but be sure to explain exactly how this universe is altered from the original universe.
- I would like a more clear explanation of why she is alive when all the other Saiyans were killed.
- I definitely need more elaboration on her 'good side', considering that you refer to it so often. Simply stating that she cares for Gohan and likes Goku is not sufficient in this regard.
- Cutting 18's hair to protect Trunks makes little to no sense.
- Why would she wear a skirt and pants? That's a terrible look.
- Simply stating that her history is not often discussed is a poor piece of writing. You can't simply disregard a character's backstory, especially in such an expansive story as this one wherein the character plays a significant role. She also needs a solid explanation in order to make sense as a character.
- Why do Vegeta and Trunks have a daughter in this timeline? This goes back to the first con, in that we need to understand how this story is delineated from the main timeline.
- I need a better explanation of how Tamera affects this story's timeline. As it stands, she's just kind of there while the normal story proceeds. She doesn't have much of an impact on anything.
Closing Comments: Tamera is not a bad character at all. In fact, she's one of the better original characters on the site. Her personality is balanced, her power is realistic, and her author has clearly put a decent amount of time into developing her character. However, the character's quality is brought down by the lack of a solid backstory and her general irrelevance. Were the author to develop her character's history and expand on her role in the story, this would definitely be a good page.
Final Rating: C-
- I kinda like the irony with Moses being gay.
- Going into this article, I have no idea whether it's actually a humor article or not. You have the humor template. You then say that the story is not a humor story. I therefore have to go into the article not understanding how to think of it and how to review it. It's something that really needs clarification. For the sake of this review, I'm going to assume it's a humor story, but this is still a really large problem.
- The story is not funny. I do not find homosexuality funny, so all the jokes about Goten's boyfriend are simply not humorous.
- "flied" is not a word - the word is "flew".
- Really awful dialogue. It does not sound realistic for any of the characters to say what they say, so that makes the story less enjoyable.
- Frequent spelling and grammar mistakes.
- I've seen TeamFourStar before, so I'm not interested in hearing jokes about how Goten's a nerd.
- Goku turning into a Super Saiyan 4, even as a joke, is simply not funny. I've seen the joke enough times at this point to not even smile at it.
- When did Super Saiyan 5 become a part of this story?
- I also do not like how you reiterated jokes from YuGiOh Abridged. I've seen those jokes before.
- The SSJ345234523452345 joke is overdone and is simply no longer funny.
- The religious jokes were really unnecessary. I'm all for an occasional religious joke, but this story is so short and those jokes were so prominent that it came off as the primary point of the story, which simply put has no place in Dragon Ball Fanon.
Closing comments: TUBIAOTU is aimless. It is pointless. It is not funny. I'm not even fully convinced that this story is supposed to be a humor story, so I can't even appreciate it as a noble effort. The whole story is so ridiculous and dry that I can't enjoy it. The jokes are overused, the ideas are unclear, and the whole thing is more or less just a waste of space.
Final Rating: F-
- It's definitely original. It's refreshing to have a story that focuses on Namekians rather than some random OC Saiyans.
- The author clearly has the ability to write, but he needs to slow down and be more careful to pick out mistakes.
- I really liked the paragraph with Flute thinking about his childhood or lack thereof. It was well-written and really well done. It is unfortunate that you abandoned the idea very quickly afterwards.
- The Spyce Squad, in and of themselves, are fairly entertaining villains. They could be more deep than they are, but they're pretty interesting to read about, even if they are shallow. I do like how they don't really take the whole thing too seriously at first.
- The title reveals that Flute is a Legendary Namekian. That'd be like naming Dragon Ball Z 'Dragon Ball Z: The Story of Goku becoming a Super Saiyan” - it ruins the surprise that such a transformation could have.
- The very first sentence, “New Namek, the everlasting home of the Namekians since the death of the original Namek at the hands of Frieza.” - has two major problems within it. 1) It's a fragment – there's no verb in the sentence. 2) Why would you use the word 'death' in reference to a planet? Planets are destroyed, not killed. Normally, two problems like that would not be too big a deal, but it's important here because it's the first sentence so I'm immediately turned away from appreciating the story.
- You oftentimes leave out important pieces of punctuation, mostly commas where commas need to be. It makes for some really sloppy reading.
- Really awkward sentence structures. Try reading your sentences aloud and you should understand why they're awkward to read. Instead of sentences like “But now, the Namekians have learned from their mistakes of not having sufficient and powerful warriors.”, try something simpler like, “But now, the Namekians have learned to maintain a sufficient supply of powerful warriors”.
- The Namekians, even after having their planets destroyed, never appear the slightest bit angry at any point in Z.
- Why would you refer to General Snare as cocky? Make it clear that he is cocky by using his actions and dialogue – don't just tell us that he's cocky, show us.
- 'instructor' is misspelled as 'instrucor'.
- Be absolutely certain to read your dialogue before publishing it. The characters speak in an overly explanatory way here and the dialogue does little to develop the characters or to progress the plot.
- They're just talking really plainly and it's a waste of the reader's time to read it.
- “In the fields off from the Main Village, Obo and Bass consult of the new protectors,” is pretty much just writing nonsense. It doesn't make much sense.
- I would like an explanation for why the three that were chosen were chosen.
- You have a really odd fashion of phrasing sentences. Instead of using the phrase, “Obo quietly said”, you use strange rearrangements, like the actual quote of “quietly said Obo”. It does not make for fluid reading.
- Every character sounds exactly the same when they talk. Be sure to vary speaking patterns to make different characters stand out.
- Frankly put, some of the dialogue here is god-awful. "Do not give me that bullshit, Obo. Drop it, you will never understand, for you are too strapped to the mortal world." basically disobeys every piece of advice I could give about using dialogue. Just be sure you read it aloud to make sure it sounds like something an organism would say.
- When you are speaking, do you explain every little thing or do you leave some things up to the interpretation of the listener? The latter should be true. Always have your characters do the same. Instead of having them say, “I need you to get Dende. I have a list of chores that I need him to complete for me.”, you can just say “Get me Dende.”
- Drumm is an awful choice for a character's name, considering that there is already a character named Drum in Dragon Ball.
- The interaction between characters is really stale and dull. It doesn't highlight the characters' personalities at all.
- It is worth noting that none of these characters have personalities.
- You misspelled Trumpet as Trumper.
- There should be a comma following a line of dialogue, not a period. Rather than something like "Good..good.... I'm afraid I have some bad news." said the Elder you should have “Good...good... I'm afraid I have some bad news,” said the Elder. It's small, but important.
- "WHAT?!?!? Eighteen years!!! That's barely half to the years we need!" recessed Trumpet. is a terrible piece of dialogue.
- Be careful when you choose to use words like recess. They need to fit the actual meaning of the word.
- Why do you feel a need to explain every thing through dialogue? You can always explain things through the narrator or by an internal monologue from a character.
- Why would Grand Elder Sax feel the need to keep this extremely vague information confidential?
- By introducing a prophecy like Grand Elder Sax's, you remove suspense from the story, as we now know how the rest of the story will play out.
- The idea of going to Earth was shot down far too quickly. There should be some actual deliberation here, not just one character shooting down another character's idea and then moving on. No point in bringing up the idea if you're not going to extend on it in any way.
- "I just hope you right." - fix
- Small nitpick, but Namekians don't need to eat so they can't experience hunger, meaning that Drumm's use of the word is not fitting.
- “Rules are that now unecessary hits to the head and when one gives up, no attack is to be executed.” is not only a terrible piece of dialogue but also nearly incoherent.
- They shouldn't be using energy attacks in sparring. That's far too dangerous and it isn't useful for developing proper form.
- Considering that the kids have never sparred before, I see no reason that they would be so eager to fight or as adept at fighting as they are.
- No real explanation for Flute being more powerful.
- Why would you include words like (pant)(pant) in quasi-script format? It's unnecessary, when you could just say that they are panting.
- You state that they just started sparring... so why is Trumpet congratulating Flute on improving?
- No legitimate point in showing any of their training if you're only going to show two training sessions over the course of 17 years.
- I would appreciate an explanation for why Flute knows the Masenko.
- Why is it always Trombonne and Hammer versus Flute? Why is there no variety?
- I really don't understand why everyone considers Flute so special. Trumpet specifically talks to him and it's always two versus him. There's no real reason given for him to be the important one of the three, other than that he's the main character.
- While there are a vast assortment of Namekian OC's, none of them are developed in any way. Flute is the same as anyone else and the rest just do not have personalities.
- I don't understand why Trumpet feels a need to maintain secrecy. Also, when Flute tells them about their mission, they would be able to easily deduce that it was him, given that he just had a conversation with Trumpet.
- Could they not have spent the next seven years training? They should have had 25 years to train, not 17.
- "I....really....tired..." panted Hammer.” - fix
- “Until Hammer grabbed both feet and spun him around in' swung him into a rock wall.” - fix
- “The two walked back towards the village, joking and hazing as they go.” -fix, change to went
- “Flute wondered.” - what did he wonder about? Be sure to inform the reader of that.
- What is Doctor Screw a pun on?
- How does one see peace? Be descriptive.
- “a large Space Shuttle(looks like Frieza's except red)” is a terrible way to describe something.
- There was really no reason for you to just remake the Ginyu Force and include them here. It's a really unoriginal rehash. If I wanted to watch battles with the Ginyu Force, I would just rewatch the Ginyu Sagas.
- Why does Lord Miira want the land to begin with?
- Naming a character Garlic is a pretty poor choice, considering that there is already a character namedGarlic in Dragon Ball. It makes for some pretty confusing reading.
- Having a Namekian scream “HOLY SHIT” really detracts from the professionalism of the story on the whole.
- Flute hasn't trained for seven years. He's been with Trumpet the whole time. Why is he so strong and adept at fighting? The other two should be much stronger, as they've been training the whole time.
- I would like some more clarity on how strong the Spyce Squad is. As it stands, they just show up, and there's no way for the reader to understand how they compare to the Namekians.
- Why would Salt know that the beam absorbed half of Hammer's energy and he then used the other half to deflect it? There's no reason for Salt to know that about someone else.
- So look, I appreciate that you took a moment to kill off a main character. It was a noble attempt, but it fell flat because you haven't developed Hammer's character whatsoever. He literally had no personality. He was just a red-shirt, a plot device.
- ...scouters are located on the eyes, not the arms. Why would Flute karate chopping Salt's arm break her scouter?
- "No, I'm just saying that his power is impressive, very to say the least." is a terrible piece of dialogue.
- Why wouldn't they just kill Flute before going to inspect Trumpet's house? The Squad's route of action here was not logical.
- Why are you putting so much graphic detail into their death scenes? You should be using this time to explain how Flute feels, not just describing how the blood spurts everywhere.
- Trumpet's death causing Flute to become a Might Namek happened far, far, far too early into the story. It was only the fourth chapter. Think about how long it took Goku to become a Super Saiyan. You should have developed Trumpet and Flute and their relationship before even attempting something like that. As it stands, you just killed Hammer to bring on Flute's transformation. It's not like Krillin and Goku, wherein the two had a solid relationship going into it. They were just two characters who trained together. It was a really weak explanation for a transformation like that.
- Flute's transformation was very predictable.
- ...so now they're going to Earth? That idea was brought up and dismissed like five chapters ago. If wehad just done it then, they could have avoided all of this.
- "Trash, am I? I am trash? Heh, from what I've seen, you're the true trash. I you know what happens to trash?" No one spoke. - just... just change that. Make it say something other than what it currently says.
- I have no idea what to think about Flute's character at this point. He has gone from turning into the Incredible Hulk when his friend died to mercilessly killing everyone around him. Previously, he wanted peace and seemed like an honorable guy – now, he is just killing everyone.
Closing Comments: Flute: The Legendary Namekian is, simply put, not a good story. I will outline my three main problems with the first five chapters below:
- Rushed writing. The story, through and through, feels extraordinarily rushed. A significant, previously unseen transformation is attained after only four chapters. Twenty-five years of training is glossed over in merely two chapters. Moreso than that, though, the author does not put time into perfecting his writing. I would be very surprised if the story was run through a spell-checker or read over, as there are very frequent mistakes in grammar and spelling throughout the entire story. What makes it worse is that the author obviously can write – were he to slow down, this story would probably be written pretty well.
- Poor characterization. The characters are very dull and underdeveloped in this story. Their motivations are unclear, they have few if any distinctive traits, and their dialogue is consistently terrible. To fix this, the author needs to use dialogue to develop character's distinctive traits and to make each character stands out. I would also suggest focusing on a smaller number of characters, as it would give you more time to develop each individual character.
- Uncreative plotting. This story's greatest strength is that it has an original setting, on New Namek. However, this is squandered by the great amount of rehashing that occurs here. The Spyce Squad is a recolor of the Ginyu Force. Might Namek is a recolor of Super Saiyan. Lord Miiri is Lord Frieza. Hammer, Trombonne, and Trumpet are just the equivalents of Krillin and Vegeta – the only reasons they exist is to aid Flute in achieving Might Namek. I could very easily just rewatch the Frieza Sagas and get more enjoyment than reading this story.
I do think, however, that much of this would just be fixed if the author simply slowed down. He needs to develop the characters more, spend more time on the writing, come up with more original plotlines. If the author were just to slow down, I think that there would be a drastic improvement in the quality of this story.
Final rating: F
- The format is very unique
- Pretty accurate portrayal of what I imagine Goku's emotions would have been like at the time.
- Pretty okay writing. I'd give it a 6/10.
- Unfortunately, the format, of being poems, adds very little, if anything, to the story.
- The first poem about the OSS adds nothing to anything, really. It's really underdeveloped and provides basically no information about the OSS.
- You talk about the OSS's life mistakes, but fail to provide any information on what those life mistakes actually are. This means that the whole section about his emotions are basically meaningless, as are the follow-up lines regarding the Saiyans that didn't make the same mistakes.
- The stanza of "He lives on in all of those who do not make his mistakes.
Those who control the power he could not.
Those… that are super saiyans." is basically nonsense. It has nothing to do with the rest of the saiyble, especially considering that you don't expound on his life mistakes. Something like this deserves a full story, not eight lines of poem.
- I have very little interest in hearing your retelling of the Spirit Bomb scene between Goku and Frieza. Progress the new ideas, not old storylines
- Canon issue: the last Super Saiyan came only 1,000 years before, not thousands of years earlier.
- King Cold never says "nothing lasts forever"... that whole idea was rather random. I don't see why that is something that King Cold would say, either.
- "He was enraged when he was that Porunga was already summoned." - fix
- The entire poem about Frieza is just events from Dragon Ball recounted with the line "Nothing lasts forever" to follow them up. It adds nothing to Frieza's character. You could replace that phrase with just about anything and still have the same effect.
- I don't see a reason that Cell would have to keep reminding himself that he was perfect.
- The concluding line of, "So nobody's perfect" is one of the most atrocious examples of OOC with a character that I have ever seen.
- The final poem is, simply put, one of the most pointless things I have ever read. It does nothing to add to Dragon Ball, to expand on Pan's character, or to introduce a new plot. It's really random
Closing comments: At their best, these Saiybles add somewhat interesting insight into the characters of Dragon Ball. At their worst, these Saiybles are just a myriad of underdeveloped ideas and reiterated story ideas. To fix this, I would suggest spending more time looking into the character's personalities and less time retelling the events of Dragon Ball. You definitely need to expand more on the ideas present.
Also, I would rank the stories, from best to worst, as Pure of Heart, The epic of the Legendary Super Saiyan, Nothing Lasts Forever, Nobody's Perfect, and then Saiyan blood.
Final rating: F
- I chuckled at the part about how smileys can't depict three eyes.
- Nice reference to Cheese
- Some pretty good references throughout. Raging Blast's Broly, Rivers Cuomo, Troublemaker, etc.
- Chuckle-worthy summary of A Front
- Really confusing and really pointless introduction at the top.
- Not sure if you're trying to mock Tien: Origins, but it was such a complete misinterpretation that I didn't find it particularly funny.
- Chapter 2 was just a reiteration of Aaron. I mean, that page is very bad and everything, but I don't find it particularly funny for you to just mock it here almost word for word.
- Last chapter was just completely random and I had no interest in reading it. Sorry!
Closing comments: This is not an easy story to review. It's basically just Dragonball KC or The Anonymous Series... yeah. I mean, I've already read those stories, so I don't have much new to gain by reading this. I read the story and it's just not funny to me. I've seen most of these jokes already so I'm not terribly interested in hearing them again. I wouldn't really call this a story, anyways, so reading it is basically just a waste of time for anyone. I know that one would probably expect me to have some more interesting insight to offer here, but I really don't. Sorry!
Rating: No rating
- Very well written story. Overall, it probably averages around a 9/10.
- The whole bit with the man handing out flyers and Yajirobe knocking him over was really well written.
- Yajirobe coming to the academy for food is an excellent motivation for him. It works really well with his character.
- The dialogue between Yajirobe and the other students is very satisfying and good.
- General Blue's character is masterfully presented.
- Yajirobe's origin, with him being raised in a Collective, leads very well into the character we would later see in DB.
- I like how you stress how Yajirobe gained his strength/speed. He never seemed like one to have that inherently.
- Nice allusion to Gulliver's Travels
- Naigo's dialogue is good. It creates a very definitive personality for his character.
- The Daimyo is a really interesting character. Very skillful, clearly, but also extraordinarily awkward in his speech. I like the way that he is presented a lot.
- The sword fight between Yajirobe and Anders was well written and executed.
- The fact that Yajirobe lost his first fight is a big win. Additionally, the fact that he wasn't picked by the Daimyo is the same.
- I quite liked the fight between Anders and the Daimyo. It's well-placed and necessary, not to mention well-written.
- I really liked the whole bit with Launch aiming for the Daimyo and missing. Great stuff.
- “I was made aware of the death of forty-nine solipst monks on this day. On this glorious day.” is such an excellent line that I can hardly describe it. Absolutely incredible is the level of wit, depth, and characterization that those two lines possess.
- The presentation of Mark, no doubt about it, is one of the single-most exceptional takes on a canon character that I have ever read. It is a standard to which all authors, including myself, should strive to achieve. Not only does it lead beautifully into his appearances in Z, it is also excellent in the way of synthesis – it's not a straightforward take on Mark's character. It is taking what is known of him as a character and (beautifully) re-imagining him as a young child. It is brilliant.
- Bringing up Yajirobe's penchant for cars was a really great touch.
- The whole scene with the boys, Blue, and Launch coming together was really excellently written. I loved the changes in perspective that accompanied the scene and it was just really well executed.
- The bit with Blue being repulsed by Launch is a great little piece of characterization.
- The whole thing with Launch sneezing caught me by surprise. Sure, it was a little bit forced, but it was still a nice twist in and of itself.
- The fact that you bring up his pocket lighter long before it's relevant to the story is an excellent example of what makes this story so appealing to me.
- The whole scene with the fireworks was really effective. These are no longer characters – these are people. The return of Brian was touching and it genuinely made me feel for his character.
- I like how this story does justice to Mark as a fighter. Most stories would overlook that, and I am thankful that this one did not.
- I rather enjoyed the fight between Yajirobe and Mark. It was good stuff.
- Yajirobe's attempt to kill the assassin was all done very well.
- Elijah's lessons on defense lead well into Yajirobe's character, who prefers not to fight in order to keep himself safe. Clever.
- The scene with Yajirobe fighting Elijah was a great fight scene.
- Elijah teaching Yajirobe the very move that Yajirobe would use so often later in Z was a great, great, great touch.
- The blast off! reference worked surprisingly well.
- The gradual introduction of Ki was really effective. By the time that a simple ki blast was fired, it was a really big deal, and that's great. It's just a really unique touch that a simple ki blast would be so important.
- The most tragic part of the whole story, to me, is the relationship between Mark and Daniel. Mark's just trying to make his brother proud, to be like his older brother, and his older brother believes in him too. But unfortunately, his brother has to die before that can happen. And it turns out that all of Mark's efforts to become the strongest would all be in moot, by the time of Z. It's a small relationship, but it's so well executed.
- “Come on little devil, wake up” - nearly perfect line, leads flawlessly into his later name as Mr. Satan
- While I did not like the first two first-person segments, the third one worked nearly perfectly, both as an expository device and as a tool for characterization.
- Good incorporation of an explanation of why Yajirobe would never bother to learn how to control ki
- The man that Yajirobe allowed to live being the one who released him was a good idea. It reminds me of Karma, so yeah it was just generally pretty well put-together.
- Brian's use of the Dragon Ball was well led up to. Like the lighter incident from earlier, it's just impressive how well planned-out and deliberate the whole story seems.
- Excellent fight at the end between Yajirobe and Makare.
- I liked the whole bit about how the Samurai kind would become obsolete. It mirrors two things, both the actual method by which the Samurai became obsolete and the way that Yajirobe became obsolete. It was clever indeed.
- Yamcha's character is well-written and pretty darn well presented too.
- Yamcha and Yajirobe's interactions were all very funny to read about, particularly the part about Yamcha's sleeping habits. I also really enjoyed the fight between the two of them.
- Explaining how Yamcha got his scars was such a brilliant little plot point... so, so, so clever.
- “It would all be for nothing, surely.” is a great and thematic line. I'll get more into that in a minute, though.
- Yajirobe's dialogue is, through and through, very plain. This is in stark contrast with more colorful characters, like the butcher. Yajirobe saying something like “What are you talking about?” is just not something I can imagine Yajirobe, especially not while young, saying. He has an accent in his speech which doesn't come through here.
- Why would Kumo feel a need to be “purposefully vague”?
- Brian's line of “Well, I heard you tell the servants that” makes little sense in the context (unless he's a mind reader). He's answering a question that hasn't been asked.
- The “Identity Confessed, Identity Confirmed” lines were wastes of time.
- Yajirobe's motivation, to become admired and respected, doesn't fit in line with his canon character at all. That is the opposite of what Yajirobe wants. I understand the difficulties associated with having a story driven by a lazy character like Yajirobe, but the solution to that is not to change Yajirobe's character. It's also changed numerous times throughout the story, making his character very inconsistent.
- It's extraordinarily forced that Brian, a character evidently from the country (based on his name), would randomly know a man that lived in the same town that Yajirobe was from.
- “Blue stood in front them” - fix
- Yajirobe's chubbiness being a trait that comes up before his time at the academy makes very little sense. He was eating morsels from a dumpster not a chapter earlier, which isn't much food. Considering how much you mention his exercise, there would be no reason for him to be anything more than underweight.
- Does this occur prior to General Blue learning psychokinesis? This definitely needs to be explained. General Blue is a powerful soldier, so his reliance on pistols is OOC.
- “No matter the improbability, the recklessness that became of it.” - sentence fragment, no verb
- Are Naigo and Makare supposed to have the same personality? Because the way they talk and act is exactly the same.
- Launch would make a truly horrible mercenary. Her character, regardless of hair color, is so thoroughly unpredictable that any sort of systematic work like assassination would just be impossible for her. Additionally, if she were to change forms, it could take quite some time before she reverted back, so that would lead to very long completion times for missions. Considering this, she would presumably never be able to gain the notoriety necessary to be contacted by Naigo and Makare.
- (but Yajirobe knew this not)) – should only have one closing parenthesis
- Did Yajirobe grow up in a Collective or homeless? You offer both as origin stories, which makes for very confusing reading.
- “Ah, you didn't have to cut me like that. You come on, Harotu!” is one of the single worst bits of dialogue I have ever read.
- No reason to name Anders (arguably the least important of them all) but not to name Nameless Child 1 or 2. Additionally, by keeping nameless child 1 nameless, you make his death not meaningful but instead humorous.
- Why would Daimyo tell Brian, nameless Child 1, and Harotu to step forward, but then just walk away like a minute later? On the whole, their first training session was completely pointless.
- The constant use of such needlessly large words makes for really strenuous and unenjoyable reading. I'm all for vocabulary, but it's just really excessive here.
- What rubble were the Daimyo's servants clearing out? Be specific.
- “The two exchanged looks as Yajirobe past, but only for a moment.” - fix
- “Even if shooter was alone” - fix
- Keeping nameless child 2 alive after the bridge scene was really unnecessary. Either give him significance, give him a personality, kill him off, or don't include him at all. Don't keep him in just to pad the list of characters.
- The Daniel first-person segments are exceedingly boring to read. I have legitimately no interest in reading his pseudo-intellectual thoughts about the contents of the afterlife nor do I wish to hear about the décor of his room.
- “The man had watched do this” - fix
- Are the little quotes at the end of chapters out of sequence with the chapters? Seeing as how forty-nine monks were killed in the prior chapter, I fail to see why Naigo would be training with them otherwise.
- “Thy quarry's heart blacked and lugubrious to years of insular gnawing” is a perfect example of the type of pretentious writing that does little to convey anything to the reader and is just really unenjoyable.
- Improper use of “allusion”
- “You mean we are going to do something important finally?” is a terrible bit of dialogue, not only in general but also particularly for Yajirobe.
- Using the word “it” to describe Mark, especially after establishing that he was a boy, is unfitting.
- If you are going to use those really large words, that is one thing. However, reusing them twice, separated by only a chapter, is unnecessary. This is the case with the words “phlegmatic”, “vivacity, and “bumptious”.
- “Whoa, it's true. He does have a country name.” - when was such an assertion made previously?
- How could Daniel and Elijah both find the same ball in the same place? Is Elijah lying? Please clarify.
- “I'll steal a car” and “Really, you know how?” - these two lines need to be in separate paragraphs
- Why any self-respecting assassin would report that she had killed four boys despite not having actually seen any of them die is so faulty and so bad that it only extends my point about how she would make a terrible merc.
- “as she circled blue” - fix, capitalize 'blue'
- “but he just it another table” - fix
- “I just got a message from Launch that was quite surprising” is a terrible piece of dialogue
- “How recently could not not be known.” -fix
- “Yeah, I'm the cave I ordered General Blue to kill a handful of monks.” - wtf?
- “or those who were lay dead” - fix
- “as he squinted his eyes of out irritation” - fix
- “not to a small section of just outside the shop” - should be “not just to a small section outside of the shop”
- Just because you don't care about the Nameless Child does not mean that the kids shouldn't. Nobody even noted his death, which was really unrealistic.
- Why would they go looking for food, considering that they were in a grocery store?
- One zeni is equivalent to one yen, as stated by Akira Toriyama, so 50 zeni is like half a dollar.
- Makare's motivation throughout all of this, simply to take control of the academy, is extraordinarily disappointing. You bring up the point of him opening an academy elsewhere, but you never state why he just doesn't do that.
- “Who cares if you're here.” should be followed up with a question mark.
- “He and the woman are the only even able to wield a sword?” - fix
- Why Makare would bother to tell the kids the story of why he wants the academy before he attempts to kill them makes no sense. That doesn't work at all as an expository device.
- “nodding the other to go first” - fix
- Elijah coming to stop Makare from killing the two was such a forced moment. He had already said that they would be home in ten minutes – there is no way he could have known the exact moment that Makare was about to kill him. Additionally, it makes the whole scene rather pointless and illogical.
- “Those over there,” he nodded to Yajirobe and the other, “Your swordsmanship is unparalleled, but your philosophy is all wrong.” - those two quotes don't follow each other at all
- The Just reference doesn't work at all as dialogue. It's just not something that anyone would say.
- “Sir, what are supposed to do with him?” - fix
- “with a palm the ribs” - fix
- Daniel, on the whole, is not interesting to read about. Most of the time, he just praises himself for being clever. It's not a good read.
- “continuouslysaw” - fix
- “what anybody else though” - fix
- Yeah, don't lie to us. We all know that Kumo isn't important.
- “You and Yajirobe will not be fighting.” - there are three members of the group. That comment was directed at Brian, but Harotu responded to it. Be clear.
- “Yajirobe's understand was blurry” - fix
- Harotu suddenly abandoning them... yeah, that was awful. There was no lead-up to it, character-wise, in the entire story.
- Calling Naigo the Lord of Hunger is so ridiculously stupid and makes for really stilted reading.
- Makare destroying the very place he wants to reclaim goes completely against his motivation as a character.
- Why Naigo holds loyalty to Makare, or Naigo's motivation in the first place, needs serious explanation. Certainly, it should have been explained earlier than this.
- “What Yajirobe had, indeed, was true” - fix
- Naigo wouldn't be the last one able to control ki at this point. Roshi is able to control ki well enough to form a whole Kamehameha.
- “irregardless” is not a word.
- “reading a heavy blow” - fix
- Yajirobe killing Makare, so soon after being unable to kill the assassin, was very unfitting. I would have liked a greater level of development between those two events.
- “Maybe visit my friend the Ox-King.” is a really forced line. I understand why it had to be put in there, but I would much rather have had him just say “my friend”.
- Korin's dialogue was not good at all. Why he would bother to encourage Yajirobe makes such an astoundingly small amount of sense.
- “That's ridiculous”, - fix, put comma inside quotes
- Using the phrase “borderline cumulus” (in dialogue, no less) is just really bad.
- Don't use parenthesis in the middle of dialogue. It's confusing, and makes it hard to read.
- I'm going to repeat a con from earlier. “The constant use of such needlessly large words makes for really strenuous and unenjoyable reading. I'm all for vocabulary, but it's just really excessive here.” You stopped doing it for a while, but it's come back up here.
- I would have liked for Harotu's character to have a more substantial role. He stayed along for so long, but never did anything. He just spontaneously ran away. It was no good.
There is no other story like Spindlerun. Sure, I had a lot of cons for the story (seventy-seven, to be precise) but they were ultimately grossly outweighed by the pros. The story is extraordinarily well-written, well-plotted, well-characterized, well-researched – in short, it is everything that a reader could possibly want in a story.
For more than a year now, I have staunchly refused to read Spindlerun. The chapters were too long, I would think to myself, and the story was too boring. This was a mistake. After reading the entire story, in one sitting, I have finally realized the true quality of the story. It took me a very long time to come to this conclusion, but I have inevitably come to the realization that Spindlerun is one of KidVegeta's greatest works.
Now, first and foremost, there is the central plot. It was all orchestrated by Daniel, playing off of a conflict between two rival clans of Samurai. It all works well enough, the characters realistic enough for their actions to seem believable and their personalities interesting. It's propelled forth by strong dialogue and planning, all of which come together to create a highly enjoyable read. However, what's most appealing about all of it is the way that none of it feels hackneyed. Plot points are brought up and extended over chapters and chapters – some items, like Harotu's lighter of the three zeni, are mentioned many times before they even beging to influence the plot.
However, what is more impressive is how the many characters come together. General Blue, Launch, Yajirobe, Daniel, Makare... they all orbit around each other, colliding together at points and getting progressively more and more tangled together in the web that is Spindlerun. It's so deliberate, so carefully planned, that I have few complaints in this realm.
Now, of course, there is the matter of the characters. I have few complaints here. Some characters, like Harotu, were a bit bland... but thankfully they didn't have terribly large roles in the plot. However, chief among the successful characters was Mark, whose inclusion and subsequent development was not only brilliant but also led flawlessly into his later appearances. The same can be said for Yajirobe, whose character was developed slowly throughout the story, all leading naturally up to his appearances in DB. Other small touches, like Yajirobe's mask, Mr. Satan's name, and Yamcha's scars all help in creating a complete story.
Lastly, I will briefly discuss what this story means to me specifically. To me, Spindlerun is a commentary on the futility of life. The solipsist monks were the first indication of this, as they all argued about who was and was not real. However, looking further, we can see that most everyone dies, and that, really, there was no reason for them to die. There is a small quote, one that is often forgotten, that brings me to this conclusion – that quote being “It would all be for nothing, surely.” Now, this is used in the context of Yajirobe winning the tournament, which Yajirobe certainly does not do. Therefore, it brings me to the conclusion that all of it, the deaths of Daniel, Brian, Naigo, Makare, the countless samurai, were all truly for nothing. It's a tragic theme, surely, but it's one that was so thoroughly built up to that it truly means something to me. And fitting it is, too, for Yajirobe really never does anything with his Samurai training.
Spindlerun: The Tale of Yajirobe is an incredible story. It is not perfect, no, but it is exceptional. Any user should strive to create a story with a tenth of as much depth as this one. If they are able to do that, they will be successful.
Final Rating: S
- I really like that this is a character-driven story rather than a plot-driven one. Gohan’s character is given a really good examination and it sheds light on a part of his character that’s pretty rarely seen.
- Good writing. There are some occasional lapses in quality, but generally it’s decent.
- Gohan is pretty in-character. It’s obviously not how he acts in the anime/manga, but it is how I would expect him to act in this time period.
- I like it when the story picks up some pace, as that’s when Gohan’s emotions are most effectively conveyed. It’s really interesting when he talks about the blind fucks and all that.
- I really appreciate that the author was able to take criticism that she received from DIR and incorporate fixes to it into a new story. The driving force behind the story seems to be to fix the dialogue in DIR. I know that myself and multiple others had problems with that section, so it’s great that you tried to rectify it. On the whole, she definitely succeeded.
- Very well written and satisfying ending. Pretty effective job at summing up his small but important character arc and conflict.
- Get rid of the obnoxiously large spaces between paragraphs. It’s jarring.
- ” In Otherworld most likely training with King Kai” - two problems: 1) sentence fragment, 2) you need a comma there for it to flow more effectively
- I feel like the story would have been generally more effective if written in first-person. The third-person is only slowing the story down, so first person would have made the whole thing more smooth.
- The story is altogether pretty boring in tone and mood. I felt little drive to keep reading. Gohan’s comments seem trite rather than authentic, in stark contrast to DIR. Ultimately, the prose in general just felt uninspired.
- ”He would brag of warrior races and that Saiyans were the pinnacle.” - awk
- ”No. He didn’t.” - those two sentences add basically nothing to the story
- ”But he would only make his mother feel worse if he didn’t do it. So he did it.” - pretty repetitious near the end there
- ”He could smell the blood from across the house.” - is Gohan a shark now?
- wrethced - typo, fix
- ”He would have been angry with his father but he loved him too much to feed that anger.” - why would he be angry at his dad?
- ”No he couldn’t even do that.” - needs a comma
- ”Well he had his mother.” - needs a comma
- ”he said completely aware of his mother’s recent doings.” - needs a comma
- ”Hello Darling” - darling isn’t a proper noun
- While I recognize that the dialogue was transplanted from another story, it still seems just as rushed now as it did in DIR.
- ““I love you too.” She said” - should be ‘“I love you too,” she said’
Closing comments: Ultimately, this story is a lot like Depiction in Red but without the qualities that made DIR so great - the passion, the detail, the writing quality, all of it is absent. It seems like Akurna made the story only because she thought she had to rather than because she wanted to. It’s a shame that such a good idea goes to waste in what is ultimately an average and uninspired one-shot. Although the characterization is strong, pretty much everything else suffers.
- Story is very unique, right from the get-go. I can’t think of any other Dragon Ball story written in epic poem format.
- Good work on the expository section at the top. We don't all want to read through countless pages about Gods, so it was good that you took the time to summarize it at the beginning.
- Including Heisis, represented as female, as the 'bad' God reminded me of the traditional interpretation of Eve. Not sure if that’s the intention (probably isn’t), but I’m down anyways. Good stuff.
- A substantial portion of the opening chapter reminded me of the Greek origin story. Solid reference
- I liked Heisis' introduction. Pretty descript & well-explained
- I really like that the Gods aren’t specifically good or evil and that they’re driven primarily by self-interest. It’s like capitalism! (which needs to die)
- The prose is flawless. Absolutely gorgeous stuff. The writing is economic, clean, and wonderfully impressionistic. I really like the writing style employed here. It feels so genuine.
- The whole Icaeus piece was pretty interesting. I can’t place its origin, but it feels sorta familiar. I appreciated his dialogue with the others.
- The whole bit with getting Iantos drunk was really appreciated. I loved it a lot. It seemed like something straight from Greek myth.
- Excellent explanation for why death was uncommon, yet possible, in Otherworld.
- I liked how the war lead to the creation of the universe quite a bit. It was a nice little piece of irony.
- I really liked how the existence of several species, like the Ogres and Makais, was explained in Chapter 3. It flowed pretty seamlessly and fit in really well.
- I really like Heisis’ scheming. All of his actions in chapter 3 worked really well to facilitate characterization.
- I like how the characters’ roles are oftentimes stated in the form of epithets. It makes for a more cohesive and easy reading. This also helps to mitigate some of the confusion I would have had otherwise.
- ”the one to rule all others” - solid LOTR reference
- I really like how you incorporate the canon background of the Kais into the story, making it fit within your own mythos.
- And then you flawlessly crossed over with The Forgotten. Excellent stuff.
- I really, really like the origin story for how the Kais came into power. It’s simple but effective and answers a lot of really important questions. It’s one of the best parts of the story, far as canon-explaining goes.
- I like the explanation behind the Kai-Bibidi interactions
- The origin story for the Majins is really cool. The story lead naturally to that conclusion.
- Crossover with Lauto is an excellent little touch. Making him an important plot point is even better
- The fight between East Kai & Bibidi was beautifully written. Such detail, such form, it was really well executed.
- The final stanza, which explains that the entire theogony is meant only to set up future events, works to make the story much more meaningful and worth reading. The fact that a sequel is surely coming up soon makes the story worth reading purely because of that. I really appreciate the presence of foreshadowing.
- Kind of confused on how power works among the Divines. Are all thirteen of equal strength? Are they all omnipotent? The fact that twelve of them combined wouldn’t have been able to take on Heisis raises some questions.
- Do all the Gods live on Earth? An explanation of their residence and scope would be appreciated.
- more than an three barrels of wine. - typo, fix
- I have to wonder why there would be a God of Death in a world in which death was not a thing
- I’m confused - is this intended as an actual recount of what happened to create the universe, or it supposed to be read as a myth concocted by the beings on Earth? This is a fairly crucial bit of information and its absence really muddles my interpretation of the story.
- Too many characters are introduced too quickly in chapter 3. All their children are listed in rapid succession and it’s hard to keep track of all the characters. Considering that some of the characters probably go on to play larger roles, I would have liked for them to have more distinguished introductions
- I would have liked an explanation of how Anaku reached the Otherworld.
- Are the Divines immortal? If so, how is Wevyn able to die? If not, why are they even considered Divines?
- I don’t see the significance of the Daman on the whole. It’s a fine segment, I just don’t see why it’s significant.
- While you use the correct origin story for the Kais, it’s also canon that the Makais come from the same fruit as the Kais, so your alternate origin story for the Makais is NCF
Closing comments: Although short, this Theogony delivers more than what it promises. This is a story that exceeded my expectations. Ultimately a practice in word economy and unique form, the Theogony is a highly enjoyable read that I would suggest to anyone. While not necessarily a must-read, it’s still an enjoyable escapade in epic poem that provides an interesting and believable explanation for the Kais. The story’s plot flows well and I have few significant complaints. My biggest complaint is probably the lack of perspective, as we’re left to guess whether or not this is a human’s perspective on the events or if it’s an objective account. Otherwise, this is a great story.
- While the dialogue isn’t necessarily good, it is effective at portraying the personalities of the characters. The stage directions definitely help with this too.
- Characters are pretty much in character, which makes for nice enough reading.
- Plot moves along briskly and the pacing is pretty good. The author doesn’t get caught up too much on minute details.
- I like how you decided to make Copai an alien species that wasn’t Saiyan. A lot of lesser writers would have made that mistake.
- Copai is developed pretty well in what has so far been a short story.
- Lame poem at the beginning. Copying KidVegeta was kinda cool the first few times that people did it, but now everyone does. Trying to do it in a self-referential, ironic way doesn’t really make it any less grueling.
- Dialogue is a bit forced/awkward. Statements like “I couldn’t forget how to be a good helper if I tried” or “Maybe a few toughies, but not much to worry about.” just don’t work as dialogue. Try saying it aloud and you should see what I mean.
- Gohan is a bit too factual in his dialogue (to no one). Statements like “I managed to kill Cell” are awkward.
- Gohan wouldn’t have hesitated to go examine that alien space pod. He definitely would not prioritize homework, of all things, over a possible alien invasion. He should’ve sensed the power levels inside anyways.
- “Frieza? He's an amateur! Relied on some monkeys he blew up to clean planets! The Boss has much better taste, and we provide much better service.” - I imagine that the PTO wasn’t exactly synonymous or associated with the Saiyans. He had such a vast number of species under him that I doubt the SAiyans would’ve been specifically identified.
- Dialogue is way too factual. Copai’s dialogue is too expository and seems more focused on expanding the plot and providing details than expanding her character. I also don’t see why she would explain to Gohan why she was on the planet.
- Again, the factualness of the dialogue is a pretty consistent issue. Gohan explaining the order of strength among the Z Fighters is not something I could see happening.
- Fight between Copai and Gohan was not developed enough. If you’re going to include a fight, have it go all the way. Don’t just have Copai kick Gohan and then have it end.
- Gohan wouldn’t use an energy beam during a sparring session. Such attacks are too dangerous for sparring and they aren’t useful for practicing form, which is the goal of sparring.
- I like the pun with the word cold in the opening paragraph.
- Great dialogue, very in character. Effective at portraying the character’s natural dialects & their typical personalities.
- The writing is very, very good. The prose is clear, the details are descriptive, the mechanics are top-notch. I have few issues as far as writing style or prose go and it really aids the story.
- Effective use of figurative language in conveying description and details
- I like how Cooler’s character motivation is set up, with him desiring to learn how to sense energy. It gives the story direction.
- I like how Cooler detested Frieza for being rewarded. It’s consistent with Cooler’s character, who was portrayed as having a large sense of honor and being concerned with the ‘family name’.
- Excellent murder scene for Frieza. The whole scene is described really vividly and the dialogue to accompany really sets the mood effectively. Cooler’s lack of mercy is conveyed really effectively.
- Frieza’s final moment, looking like a child, is a really sad moment. Being able to evoke feelings for such a heartless character is telltale of an excellent writer.
- It was funny how King Cold’s predilection for wine was made into a character trait, with him being weary from alcohol.
- Great development for King Cold’s character
- Great description of Cooler’s desire to avenge his family name
- Excellent description for the fight between Cold & Cooler. The scope of it is really impressive in that it’s really well described and the surrounding environment (ie the stars) are described in relation to the fight. Just a great fight scene in general.
- I like the reference to “In space, nobody can hear you scream” or whatever
- ”Perched precariously over the pleasingly plump planet” - excellent alliteration
- Really great explanation for why Cooler decided to go down to Earth rather than destroy the planet.
- The scene where Cooler methodically killed every member of the Z Fighters, two by two, was really interesting to read. It was very well written.
- Cooler’s conversations with the Z Fighters, while short, were very entertaining to read.
- Great fight between Cooler & Gohan.
- Fabulous character development for Cooler. It’s really interesting how he kills his family for the sake of honor yet still feels pain for it thereafter. It makes him into a much more well-developed character, one who’s torn between his duty and his desires.
- I really like the parallels that are painted between Vegeta and Cooler, in that they both betray their allies for purposes of honor.
- Well written, excellently described fight betwixt Goku and Cooler
- I really liked how Cooler blamed Goku for killing his brother, whereas Cooler was really responsible for Frieza’s death. It sheds light on his character, like his only way to deal with the guilt was to blame it on someone else.
- Using space as a metaphor for Cooler’s psyche was pretty rad
- Really ingenious plot idea with getting Cooler to hatch Buu. Great way to tie it all together.
- Midas’ inclusion at the end was pretty cool. He had interesting, colorful dialogue for such a minor character.
- Pretty vague/confusing opening line. How can a single precipice be shared by two pieces of metal?
- I imagine the phrase “fish out of water” is an idiom that Frieza’s race would not be aware of.
- I feel like the pace of the fight between Cooler and Frieza was just a little bit off. Cooler shoved him, reflected on his life plans, and then the fight occurred. It would have worked better ‘in the moment’, if it had started right after their verbal fight.
- Pretty lame explanation for Cooler’s mother’s death. Considering how advanced PTO technology was, I would imagine that they would have worked past the whole maternal birth death problem.
- I would have made it clearer when this story branched off the main universe story and into the new universe.
- ”Cooler opened his eyes again” - When did Cooler open his eyes the first time?
- ”had slinked up to him since he had been remembering” - Pretty awkward phrasing.
- The word ‘body’ is repeated a few too many times in the fifteenth paragraph of the second chapter.
- I feel like the fight between King Cold & Cooler could have lasted longer. It felt a bit rushed in that it was so short. I liked the fight a lot and would’ve liked it for it to hold a more substantial part of the story.
- ”“Ahh! How dare you!” Goku screamed.” - pretty lame piece of dialogue
- Comparing Goku to a sack of potatoes didn’t really fit the mood of the passage. It was such a serious passage and that comparison felts a bit too whimsical to fit the situation.
- If you were going to introduce Future Trunks, I would have at least described the scene that followed. Skipping ahead, as you did, was a bit confusing and it was sort of hard to follow.
- Using Brandon Mayhew as a reference is ineffective because very few people would know who that is.
- Cooler’s fight with the non-Dabura and Pui Pui members of Babidi’s crew was pretty boring. It was a lame way to finish them all. Simply hurling an energy ball at them was boring and pretty uninspired.
- Dabura’s final stand (or crawl) was a bit too uninspired to be appropriate for the moment. He just spat at Cooler and then nothing happened. There was no point in including it if it were going to be glossed over that quickly.
Closing comments: Without a doubt, BBB is a very well-written story with some excellent pieces of characterization. Of all of KidVegeta’s stories, it is one of the most well-paced and has the greatest amount in a smaller portion. However, to some extent, the story is reminiscent of a Hollywood Action Movie - the bulk of the narrative is composed of fights and of Cooler killing off every possible character. Simply put, a great bit of the story is centered around fights and action and there are few instances where the story or the characterization takes the forefront. In general, BBB could have been a more substantial story if the plot had been more fleshed out and the characterization had been more consistent. However, it is still an excellent, enjoyable, and entertaining story that I would suggest to virtually anyone.
- Great dialogue to open up the story. It's really effective at setting the scenes and portraying how the characters feel about what just happened.
- The emotions are portrayed in a really meaningful way. Rather than just state how the characters are feeling, he uses description to indicate how they are feeling. Actions speak more strongly than words, after all.
- The scene with the carnage in the middle was really excellently described. The writing is ripe with imagery and it goes a long way in creating an effective scene.
- Probably the most interesting part of the story was depicting how Vegeta and Nappa handled the destruction of their planet. Vegeta remained calm and presumably obfuscated his feelings, whereas Nappa could have been no more overt with his reaction. It's something that seems carried over from the Vegeta Saga in DBZ, wherein the two served as pretty clear character foils for each other. While Vegeta's role in the story is still very small, that contrast is still drawn really well.
- The little bit at the end, with Nappa wanting to punch the grin off Vegeta's face, does a great job of developing both Nappa's character and developing the relationship between the two Saiyans. It's a cool way to analyze their relationship, with Vegeta basically rising from being the student to becoming the stronger of the two, and Nappa having to grit his teeth and bare his way through it.
- Very well written story over all. The variety in sentence structure deserves special notice here, along with the extensive imagery and detail.
- The whole line about how Vegeta hates to have been lampooned with Nappa because he is so weak is brilliant. Just a few lines earlier, Nappa was described as victorious, bloody, and strong. The entire story seems to indicate that Nappa is a noble beast of some sort, fighting with pride and strength, and now Vegeta reverses that completely by referring to him as a shame for his entire race.
- Some more context would have been appreciated. It would have been nice to know what events precipitated this story.
- "Nappa wanted to call him a brat; he wanted to punch that smug smile off the boy’s face. But he had neither the strength or will to do either." - Minor con, but I don't understand how he could want to punch the smile off his face, and then not have the will to do so in the next sentence. The two are basically synonymous.
- I don't know if this is just me, but the reveal at the end that Planet Vegeta had been destroyed felt predictable. This isn't necessarily a problem with the story, it's just something I foresaw and it made it less dramatic for me.
- I feel like the fight scene that dominates most of the story ultimately just distracts from the more interesting parts of the story, like the relationship between Vegeta and Nappa and the different ways that they react to the destruction of Planet Vegeta. The fight scene was in no way bad, but I could have done with three or four fewer paragraphs of it.
- I'm really confused on why anything in the story happens, honestly. It doesn't make sense to me that Nappa would be calm for three days (as implied by the "Nappa had never disrespected Vegeta so openly" line earlier in the story) and then to spontaneously get angry and go on a rampage across the planet. Nappa's rampaging makes perfect sense, as does him being angry - it's just the timeframe that confuses me.
Final thoughts: Lionheart is a really cool take on Nappa's character. It's almost like a reversal of his role in The Forgotten, where he just accompanied Vegeta on his various missions. Now, Vegeta is accompanying him as KV explores Nappa's character. He does a very good job of this, as his portrayal of Nappa's emotions after Planet Vegeta's destruction are realistic as an extension of his character. Even more interesting is how his relationship with Vegeta, and how the two's reactions are contrasted with one another. My biggest problem with the story is that it takes place three days after Nappa finds out, which makes little sense to me, and that some of the extraneous fighting distracted from the core elements of the story, which were the characters. Overall, though, Lionheart is a well-written, believable, and incredibly effective story for expanding Nappa's character.
Final Rating: A+
Reviews in Progress
- Less than Normal (Currently posted chapters reviewed)
- Dragon Ball HSN (5% complete)
- My favorite one-shot is Slick by KidVegeta. My favorite multi-chapter story is Spindlerun: The Tale of Yajirobe by KidVegeta.
- My least favorite one-shot is The Ultimate Battle in All of The Universe by Raging Blast. My least favorite multichapter story is The Geti Goku Stories by Geti186.
- I have yet to encounter a story with poor writing but a good plot. However, I have found several stories with decent writing but a poor plot. Both are necessary to create an enjoyable story.
- Five stories have acquired S rankings. No stories have acquired the S+ ranking. Three stories have acquired the F- ranking.