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This is my review blog. I will be reviewing articles on this wiki, simply so as to share my perspective on them. Everyone may requests fanons for review in the comments section. I will do my best to review all stories that are requested of me.

If there is ever a story, be it good or bad, that I feel I need more than pros and cons to review it, I will review it in pargraph form rather than list form. However, such a review will be rare, as I am usually able to articulate my opinion sufficiently in just pros and cons. My review scale goes by letters and such. It's like this:

X+ = Perfect

X = Incredible

A = Good

B = Average

Q = Below Average

D = Terrible

F = Unreadable

F- = Absolutely horrible; very few to no redeeming qualities

This is the basis of my ratings system. I will follow it to the best of my ability.

Dragon Ball GT part 2

Pros

  • Tien is a major character

Cons

  • Terrible writing
  • Unbelievably unoriginal story. Half the plot is a rip-off of Dragon Ball Z.
  • Goku/Shenron training is horribly executed
  • Dragon Goku

Closing Comments: This fic is attrocious.

Five-word summary: A horrible, trash heap fanon.

Rating = F-

Dragon Ball Z: Futuristic Tales

Pros

  • Story is original
  • Characters are pretty consistent with canon personality
  • Cool title

Cons

  • Writing style is just strange
  • Swearing seems superflous
  • I really have no idea what's going on.

Closing Comments: Interesting premise, but needs quite a bit of clarification.

Five-word summary: Hard to understand yet interesting.

Rating = F-

Dragon Ball: AW

Pros

  • Solid writing
  • Nice prose
  • Interesting

Cons

  • Not very developed, so I don't know where the story is going

Closing Comments: Short, but sweet thus far.

Five-word summary: Too short to really review.

Rating = I can't honestly give it a rating with this little revealed 

Dragon Ball ST

Pros

  • Solid writing
  • All the Z Fighters do fight, although most are ineffective
  • No characters are glorified
  • Solid action scenes
  • All around enjoyable
  • Character Development for existing characters is good
  • Tien plays a nice role near the end
  • Villains are great

Cons

  • Lots of overpowering
  • Super Saiyan 5 and 6
  • (Relatively) Unoriginal
  • Krillin's the only one who actually gets injured badly
  • Gohan's a SSJ3
  • Far too much indirect dialog earlier on
  • Logical Fallacies
  • The story can be inconsistent at time, such as Krillin getting injured but later fighting
  • If you count Yajirobe as a Z Fighter, then he is quite OOC. I dislike that he is the only one to not fight.
  • Inconcclusive ending
  • The appearance of Bardock and King Vegeta makes little to no sense.

Closing comments: Although entertaining, this fic is greatly overrated and has quite a few large flaws.

Five-word summary: Strong diversity of pros/cons.

Rating = Q+

Dragon Ball SX

Pros

  • Writing is decent
  • Works with canon

Cons

  • Fight scenes are terrible
  • Goray is a terrible, terrible Gary-Stu.
  • Using Broly as a villain is unoriginal
  • Sagas are too short
  • Too much reliance upon Super Saiyan and RoSaT

Closing comments: Largely flawed.

Five-word summary: Needs work, but shows promise.


Rating == D+

Dragon Ball: PGT

Pros

  • Grammar, spelling, and grammar are above par
  • Theme songs are good, 'specially Weezer
  • The addition of pictures makes it look better
  • The humor does help to dull out some of the boredom
  • Kudos to you for taking my advice and shortening the paragraph size

Cons

  • Humor is excessive and overly silly
  • How did the army get their hands on Brly's DNA?
  • Broly jr. is a somewhat unoriginal character
  • Broly jr. is a Gary-Stu
  • Overuse of parentheses in dialog
  • Brolia, all about her
  • Story quickly strays away from the rest of the Z Fighters and focuses only on Broly Jr., which made me lose interest
  • Captions are random
  • The whole "secret agent " thing is just strange and does not work in Dragon Ball.

Closing comments: Decent, but with a great many flaws.

Five-word summary: Interesting premise without solid execution.

Rating: D+

Dragon Ball Multiverse: The Origin of Nameko!!!

Pros

  • Nonexistent

Cons

  • The entire plot is ridiculous
  • How is Cell weaker than Frieza?
  • The conept of all the Namekians fusing is ridiculous, and even if they did do such a thing it wouldn't result in someone so powerful. you have to remember that there were only 100 Namekians and that the strongest one had a power level of only 42,000.
  • All the characters are super OOC.
  • Gomeko
  • All the crap with Janemba at the end.
  • It's the biggest abomination I've ever read.
  • Super Nameko looking like the freaking Hulk.
  • There are random and meaningless pictures.
  • The fight scenes are boring and super unoriginal.
  • Everything about it.

Closing comments: It's terrible. It makes me want to stab myself in the eyes over and over again.

Five-word summary: Nothing much good to say.

Rating: F-

Dragonball Fusion

Pros

  • In comparison to many SS11 stories, this story has decent grammar in the beginning. With that said, the grammar is still subpar.

Cons

  • No clear explanation for Goku/Piccolo fusion
  • No clear explanation for the Omega Shenron/King Piccolo/Other random guy fusion
  • Logically, King Piccolo would be useless in a fusion between two people that much stronger than him
  • A 7-way fusion? WTF?
  • Hero is the worst character ever devised. Ever.
  • Scratch that. Hero Kai is far worse.
  • "Krillan" defusing and then getting blown up. That made little to no sense.
  • Krillin would not have a large impact on the Hero Kai fusion, simply because he is far weaker than all the other fusees.
  • Story ends too abruptly.

Closing comments: Terrible. Terrible. One of the worst stories ever made.

Five-word summary: Badly thought out and unreadable.

Ranking: F-

Dragon Ball Z: Bloodlines

Pros

  • I really like the premise of the story.
  • The mechanics are, in general, very good.
  • The similarities to early Dragon Ball is a great choice. I like that.
  • The different parts of the story, which are told from different characters, is an interesting choice.

Cons

  • Even if the mechanics are good, the writing is not good. The description is very plain and the vocabuary is rudimentary.
  • Tombstone Blue is simply not good for the first antagonist.
  • The fanon characters are very poorly developed and plain.
  • Nash is turning into something of a Gary-Stu.
  • The fight with Tombstone Blue is underwhelming.
  • Godom knocking Buu down is unrealistic.

Closing comments: Meh.

Five-word summary: Stunningly average at its best.

Rating: D+

Dragon Ball: The Mrovian Trilogy

Pros

  • The mechanics are fairly good.
  • Great diction.
  • Fairly original plot.
  • Battles are detailed.
  • The linking to the attacks is a great touch, although the occasional red link is irritating.

Cons

  • The sentence flow is very akward. The overuse of large words makes for some highly akward sentences. For example, "Chaiva was stunned. She had never seen Cuber’s true power before and now cursed at her comparable frailty." just reads terribly.
  • The formatting is strange. You have a bunch of short, choppy sentences of dialog, and then a block of text dedicated to a fight.
  • Many of the early fights and events are entirely inconsequential.
  • The story can be hard to follow.
  • There is little to no emotion in the writing. It's very plain.
  • Too rarely updated. I mean, you've had it for a while now, and you still haven't finished the first saga.

Closing comments: One of the top fanons on the site, but still with some glaring flaws.

Five-word summary: Somewhat boring, but well-done story.

Final ranking: B+

Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem

Pros

  • Utterly spectacular writing
  • Incredible character development
  • One of the most original stories, well, ever
  • The author developed a point in the timeline previously unseen
  • Some excellent impressionism of Tolkien
  • Nice Star Trek reference near the end
  • The scene where Buu owns the candy guy is one of the finest scenes on the wiki
  • The concluding poem is a masterpiece.

Cons

  • Although intentional, the verbosity can get tiresome and unclear
  • It seemed a bit inconclusive near the end, what with everything going back to the way it was before
  • You don't explain what happens to Baba, Babidi, and Goku

Closing comments: No significant flaws. Truly a magnum opus. I tip my hat to KidVegeta.

Five-word summary: An utterly unbeatable, grande story.

Rating: X+

Sixth

Pros

  • It is about Krillin
  • Develops an unexpanded place in the timeline
  • Fantastic writing, spelling, grammar, etc.
  • The story is actually interesting
  • I like the idea of Krillin having better technique but lesser ability; somewhat reminds me of an old IP page
  • The psychological aspect is impressive

Cons

  • To me, and maybe this is a bit contradictory of canon, but it seems unlikely that a temple would be completely focused upon fighitng

Closing comments: Perhaps this is in part due to my fanboyisms, but I prefer this to other acclaimed works like TF, ST, and TMT. Nice job for a first story, Brady Patrick!

Five-word summary: Well-written, engaging, and genuinely entertaining.

Overall rating == A+

question: is Sixth a reference to the dots on Krillin's head?

Depiction in Red

Pros

  • Excellent writing
  • Interesting concept
  • I like the way that at one moment, Chi-Chi is super sad emo person, but the next she portrays herself as happy-go-lucky mom. That abrupt shift in personality reminds me of Mr. Jaggers, in Great Expectations, and I very much do like it.

Cons

  • While this seems like it should have been a psychological type fanon, it instead came off as a gory blood fest. The blood fest isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I would've like a bit more introspect into her character rather than her cutting.
  • The dialog, to me, seems a bit strange, as though the author felt uncomfortable writing it.
  • Even for a one-shot, it is definitely on the short side; the actual story is only 550 words. Just my opinion here.
  • Her actions seem mildly out of universe. As one fanfic author has said, "Even though you and your friends cut your wrists, doesn't mean that Harry Potter does." This definitely rings true here, where it doesn't seem like something a character in Dragon Ball would do.

Closing Comments: I don't quite understand what people are gushing about with this story. It certainly has positive values, but it isn't really a standout story. With that said, it does certainly show signs of talent.

Five-word summary: Unbelievable, but shows great promise.

Rating: B

Dragon Ball Z: Reincarnation

Pros

  • Typically solid grammar and spelling, although there are problems.
  • Okay writing i.e. good writing and whatnot.
  • Well detailed.
  • I like the small bits of humour sprinkled throughout, but most of the time it falls flat.

Cons

  • It's very hard to understand. Nigh incoherent.
  • Fanon characters are introduced without any backstory or explanation; they just exist
  • Story moves too quickly.
  • Super Buu shouldn't want peace, nor should he exist
  • 600,000 is actually high for a normal super Saiyan, as beforehand the strongest saiyan was around 12,000.
  • There's no plot, just fighting.
  • The plot progresses very jerkily.
  • Axurion is not my favorite fighter.
  • Huge, and I mean huge, blocks of text.
  • Why are these random fanon characters so strong?
  • Oh random fusion wonderful
  • Super Saiyan 5... great.
  • Super Buu eating emotions... wtf.
  • Auxurillon being more powerful than everbody is ridiculous.
  • Randomly going to Namek.
  • Bad power levels.
  • Chapter 4 makes little to no sense.
  • Terrible, terrible formatting.
  • Neo Super Saiyan is silly altogether.
  • Horrible overuse of commas
  • End of chapter 4 is just incomprehensible.

Closing comments: This is absolutely horrible. I don't know what's going on. It's just a random string of unexplained events. It shows little promise.

Five-word summary: Incomprehensible, boring, and generally unreadable.

Rating: F-

Slaved

Pros

  • Great detail, great writing, great mechanics, etc.
  • Nice subtle reference to Guldo
  • I liked the way you revealed PV's name; it had a lead-up to it. That was nice.
  • The story is certainly refreshingly subtle as a whole.
  • Yeah, it gives great insight into his character, it's reflective in an innovative way, all that stuff.
  • The amount of emotion given, and in such a vivid way, is incredible.

Cons

  • Because the entire fanon is set in a fanonical place, in an unknown point in the timeline, under an unknown scenario etc. it makes it a little hard to tell what is going on in the fanon. It's harde to care for a character whose notable character traits seldom come up and when there is little allusion to who his character is.
  • It's extremely hard to tell why PV is writhing about to begin with. It would have worked better had you given more clear reasons and given them earlier on, as it would help with sympathizing.

Closing Comments: While certainly a great fic with great introspect, it would have benefited from better organization to some extent and for some more explanation. It didn't need to be blatant, it just needed to be clear enough for one to read it and at least gain a rudimentary understanding of the motivations and situation of PV.

Five-word summary: Incredible story, but lacks organization.

Rating: A

Piccolo: The Guardian of Hell

Pros

  • The writing is really quite good
  • I like the idea of the watchkeepers being powerless and Piccolo being the one to truly enforce hell
  • The idea of Frieza and Piccolo being far apart but still kinda having a verbal war is really wuite interesting, and I genuinely do like it
  • The middle of chapter 2, with the light growing from the book and whatnot, actually struck me as being quite epic
  • I like how ambiguous you keep the events of the story; it makes the tale seem far more epic
  • The story is very interesting, to say the least
  • Mace is a cool villain, although I hope to see him expanded on
  • The story as a whole is really quite suspenseful. I like the dramatic speech from Mace at the end of chapter 3.

Cons

  • Occasional misspellings, such as bowels as boughs or unbeknownst and unbenounced, but these are small enough to not impact reading too much
  • Strange usages of commas in some places makes for choppy reading
  • King Cold and Frieza are somewhat OOC, as their dialog is a bit too sophisticated, even for the elegant characters
  • The use of synonyms at times seems very akward
  • Writing can be vague and akward at times
  • They really should be calling him Piccolo, not the Green Man
  • Piccolo shouldn't have been able to so much as fight the likes of Cell and Dabura.
  • Dr. Gero's speech, although epic, was horribly OOC
  • The paragraphs can get to be a little bit long
  • King Kai is OOC, as his speech is too elegant
  • The story really could've used more buildup.
  • The dialog formatting is off; you should make a new paragraph for each line of dialog
  • The story can be somewhat cliche.

Closing commets: This is a great story which shows definite signs of promise. The writing is great, the story interesting, the premise unique... I must say, this is really a refreshingly decent story. With that said, some aspects of the tale are still in need of expansion. I wish you the best of luck in continuing this fanon.

Five-word summary: Flawed in places, yet engaging.

Rating: B+

Screwed (Legacies Episode)

Pros

  • The writing is, to some degree, halfway decent.

Cons

  • Very cheesy writing
  • Terrible dialog
  • Random capitalizaion
  • The explanation for "Android 19" is one of the most laughable things I have ever read.
  • No, the bigger the number, the weaker they are. Hence why 18 is stronger than 19.
  • Everything, yes everything, about the scene with Colonol Gold and Major Gray.
  • None of the crap between Gero and Goku ever happened in the manga or anime.
  • Improper dialog formatting.
  • Even more bad dialog! I kid you not, that is among the worst dialog I have ever read.
  • All the stupid crap with Dr. Briefs.
  • Wow, the DNA collecting scene was horrid. The humour, the description, everything, it was all really bad.
  • The entire last chapter. Yes all of it. It was genuinely that bad.

Closing comments: The author clearly put very little effort into the fanon. The story was uninspired, to say the least, and altogether unsatisfying. I don't honestly think there was any point in writing or reading the fanon, and it is precisely why I never liked the idea of a fic like this to begin with. It had no purpose in being written, so far as I am concerned.

Five-word summary: Uninspired, pointless, and wholly bad.

Rating: F-

Dragon Ball Z: AR

Pros

  • I mean, to some extent the story is believable, as in the events could potentially happen, at least in the beginning.
  • Fight scenes weren't terrible

Cons

  • Pod should not be capitalized
  • Very cheesy dialog
  • A Saiyan's powerful should not be 36,500. That is utterly nonsensical.
  • Very cheesy names, such as Zucini
  • King Vegeta OOC
  • Improper formatting
  • Oh dear, the first half of chapter 2 is just an incoherent mess of bad dialog and people trying to talk to eachother
  • "When 3 Assexians attacked Toma at the same time, even the elite of elites could not win. "Hh..h.. Just a little more!" Toma muttered. "Darn those clouds. I'll have to do this myself! *Turns on the comunicator on scouter* King Vegeta! I'm very shamed to talk to you in the middle of fight, but we seriously need some back-up here! Anyone, low-class or an elite, we need more men! Asssexians are strong, but if we conquer them we'll get their technology and weapons which could make us even stronger than lord Frieza!" said Toma."

That simply makes no sense, at all.

  • Last part of chapter 3 is just bad. It's just horrible.
  • There's some very bad blocks of text in the story. Learn to use the enter key.
  • Oh my god, this writing is bad.
  • Great Apes. Now that's a Deus Ex Machina.
  • Seriously, wtf am I reading
  • I like the fact that they were shown to have a lower power level and then they were automatically defeated. Or something like that. I stopped being able to follow this fanon a while ago.

Closing comments: This is a very bad, nigh incomprehensible fic. To be frank, there isn't very much that's good about it, as it's virtually unreadable. I'm glad to see that the writer has improved since writing it.

Five-word summary: Monotonous, stupid, ridiculous, and pointless.

Rating: F

Dragonball DP

Pros

  • Ha! That's a good one!

Cons

  • His meeting of Tang has no elaboration whatsoever, which makes the entire event implausible.
  • Question: who is Dimino the son of? I'm assuming Goku, but that doesn't really make sense because Chi-Chi would be infertile by the time of Z. If he is Tang's son, WHY IS HE ABLE TO GO SUPER SAIYAN?
  • Broly is dead. Why/how is he returning?
  • Oh, mecha Broly. That's an automatic con right there.
  • TANG. SHOULD. NOT. BE. A. SUPER. SAIYAN. (4.), especially not without explanation.
  • They would not waste their energy fighting prior to Broly's arrival.
  • Horrible dialog.
  • No buildup whatsoever.
  • Vegeta's death is completely meaningless.
  • Everyone is OOC.
  • Tang just punched Broly in the face. Yes, really, that's how the conflict is resolved. What type of story is this?
  • Ultra Super Saiyan 4. GTFO.
  • Tang and Dimino are both horrid Gary-Stus.
  • More random death, this time of Gohan and Trunks. You really don't understand how to include drama in a story.
  • There is an apostrophe before every s. This is highly infuriating.
  • Learn to put spaces after each comma and period.
  • You need a full moon to go Great Ape. You provide no such thing. Nor has it even been explained why they are saiyans to begin with. Furthermore, it is altogether implausible to think that they would not remove Dimino's tail.
  • Of course Dimino has a random, previously non-aforementioned girlfried who calms him down and makes him a Super Saiyan 4.
  • Broly becoming a gray Super Saiyan 4 is utterly preposterous.
  • Dimino becomes a Super Saiyan 5 simply because his daddy was almost killed. That's bloody bull right there.
  • Completely inexplicable Ultra Dragon for no goddamned reason whatsoever who randomly revives everyone who has died after standing around for 10 minutes, doing nothing. "All the sudden the sky turned dark and a new dragon came,his name is ultra dragon.10 min's later the dragon went away,and in a instant Goku,Trunk's,Vegeta,and Gohan came back." Seriously, what is that?
  • The fic, like all too many others, ended the exact same way that it began, with nothing being accomplished.

Closing comments: You might as well rename this fanon "Tang and Dimino: The New Gods". The fanon was meaningless, stupid, and had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. This was a horrible fanon in all ways imaginable.

Five-word summary: A fic best gone unread.

Rating: F-

Kitrans

Pros

  • The spelling and grammar is actually quite good.
  • The writing is generally clear and easy to read, which makes the page much more readable in my opinion. It's also somewhat conversational, which I very much.
  • I like that you actually explain certain events, such as why there are always attacked. That, at least in my opinion, makes the whole thing far more believable.
  • The page is well detailed and well organized, two qualities which many pages lack.
  • The Kitrans losing their power due to technology is something which really helps to make them realistic, at least in my opinion.
  • Events generally take reasonable amounts of time.
  • Their culture reminded me of communism, which, in all honesty, isn't really a bad thing. I found your take upon that political system interesting.
  • The interesting thing about them is that they rely not upon strength but instead upon skill, which is super cool.
  • The Cyborg Kitrans are a pretty cool idea, imo. I like that they have both pros and cons, much like this page.

+

Cons

  • The writing is very juvenile, at least in my opinion, but this isn't too major a problem.
  • I'd like something of an explanation for their existance; did they evolve from protoplasmic organisms or were they created by the Kais?
  • A bit more elaboration on their evolution would be nice, since there are varying theories as to how humans evolved.
  • It seems implausible that their enemies would teach them to use ki.
  • The whole thing about their weakening blood flow doesn't make much sense, to me.
  • I think that the attacks upon their planet could use some elaboration, at least in future renditions.
  • The whole thing about rollercoasters seemed random.
  • The whole part about circulation didn't make very much sense at all.
  • The page has a very limited connection to the actual DB universe, which kind of makes it meaningless.

Closing comments: This page really did kind of spark my interest. The race is unique, detailed, and interesting. However, its lack of connection made it seem pointless, which was truly the great flaw of the page. All in all, though, this is certainly not a bad page. I hope to see the species in some type of actual fanfiction eventually, as I think that would really be quite cool.

Five-word summary: Interesting premise, yet lacks connectivity.

Rating: B-

Haters Gonna Hate

Pros

  • Honestly, none.

Cons

  • It wasn't funny, at all.
  • Completely pointless.

Closing Comments: A humour story that was simply not funny.

Five Word Summary: I really, really hated it.

Rating: F-

User Blog:Supersaiyian11/Ss11 Reviews

(note: this is written in typical SS11 style, for comedic effect)

pros

none

cons

lieks yugioh

yugiohs lame

not good points

sS11 made it

Ss11 is lame

boring

its lame

GRade: pokemon

The Size of IT

Pros

  • Decent spelling and grammar

Cons

  • Goku is very OOC
  • Gohan is OOC
  • Very immature subject matter
  • Far too short, even for a one-shot ((even though it would've been worse if it had gone on longer))
  • It's just not funny

Closing comments: It's simply not funny, at all.

Five Word Summary: Much worse after I came.

Rating: F-

A Mother's Love

Pros

  • The premise of the story is, quite frankly, brilliant.
  • The fact that you went to great lengths to explain all potential plot holes shows how much you wanted the story to be good.
  • It's very unique as a whole.
  • I think that, from an allegorical standpoint, the character of Timmy Gerscher works very well. He's someone we can both relate to and sympathize with, as many people on the wiki are very similar to him - most notably, mr. SS11.
  • You weave the allegory into a normal conversation brilliantly, in a way that's almost nostalgic of Goldin himself.

Cons

  • Great as the story was, it didn't hold as much interest to me as, say, The Forgotten.

Closing comments: This is not a bad story, as many have tried to say, nor is it even an average one. Allegorically, no story comes near to this fanon, which delivers a clearer message than any other story and does it with such succinctness, too. The format was also a refreshing change, one which almost carries the fanon. However, I also have to say that I don't think it was quite as interesting as some of the other more "adventure"-oriented fanons (not that it is boring either). I had a difficult time coming to a rating for this one, but I feel the grade is the most just one I can give.

Five Word Summary: Brilliantly allegorical but also unintriguing.

Rating: X-

Dragon ball ZX

Pros

  • None

Cons

  • Nappa should not come back to life.
  • Vegeta should not attack Goku.
  • There should not be blue balls of a dragon-like nature.
  • You should elaborate on Vegeta's search for the blue balls.
  • Nappa should not come back to life, certainly not with a power level that high, with absolutely no explanation.
  • Vegeta OOC.

Closing Comments: This sucked.

Five word summary: Horrible, and, more importantly, incoherent.

Grade: F-

Dragon Ball XV

Pros

  • Including Tarble was actually interesting and somewhat unanticipated.
  • There were some unexpected twists, such as Yamcha beating Goten (but even they seem to just play to your fanboyisms)

Cons

  • The story shows a clear lack of ability, right from the beginning, to communicate anything to the reader. It's all very vague, confusing, and genuinely impenetrable.
  • Piccolo performing more fusion to become more powerful is just silly. Tien and Chiaotzu shouldn't have had any contact with Guru.
  • Very poor spelling and grammar.
  • Oh good. Another story about a tournament. That's original.
  • The characters are very over the top, until most of them are OOC.
  • Poor attempts at both humour and storytelling.
  • Goku should not be drinking beer. OOC for him.
  • Boring and hard to follow fight scenes.
  • WTF is up with Krillin and 18 having sex.
  • You're godmodding Vegeta; he shouldn't have beaten Pikkon with a single kick in base form
  • Piccolo OOC
  • Kai-O-Ken Yamcha is stupid.
  • No amount of training could ever make Yamcha beat Goten.
  • Hell Fighter 18 needs elaboration, and 18 would never fuse with a hell fighter regardless
  • Tien OOC
  • 18 OOC
  • Sometimes, a twist is nice, but when you have the underdog win every match it's no longer interesting. The only exception to this seems to be if Vegeta is fighting. I mean, seriously, you've had Chiaotzu beat Krillin, Yamcha beat Goten, and Tien beat 18. What's next? Mr. Satan will beat Buu?
  • Great, more Krillin/18 sex
  • The masked man is pointless and uninteresting
  • Tapion OOC
  • There was no winner or loser to the Piccolo/Gohan fight
  • Stupid fight between Tarble and Videl
  • The foreshadowing to the masked stranger being 17 was among the worst foreshadowing I have ever seen.
  • Why even mention a fight if you aren't going to decribe it?
  • 17 OOC
  • 17's new backstory was really bad
  • More Vegeta godmodding

Closing comments: There were very few positive aspects to this sotry, other than a few unexpected quirks. It was just a plotless story filled with battles; sadly, not even these battles were good in the slightest. I have nothing good to say about this story, really.

Five Word Summary: A plotless trainwreck of badness.

Rating: F-

Dragon Ball: Yami

Pros

  • None. Genuinely none. This fanon is absolutely awful. There's not a single redeeming quality about it.

Cons

  • Poor grammar and spelling
  • It has Yu-Gi-Oh. Yu-Gi-Oh is "lame".
  • No buildup.
  • No plot.
  • Horrible writing.
  • Goku OOC.
  • Nothing makes sense.
  • Yu-Gi-Oh should not be in DBZ.
  • Still doesn't make sense.
  • You ripped off KV's lion like a bitch.
  • Stupid time lapses, like Vegeta reaching Goku in one minute.
  • Stupidly rushed story
  • No character development.
  • If Vegeta went to Super SAiyan 2, Goku would do the same.
  • A new super saiyan form. REAL FUCKING ORIGINAL
  • Stupid explanation of Bakura being alive.
  • Stupid dialog
  • Yama OOC
  • Horrible fight between Yami and Bakura
  • Vegeta OOC
  • Long training is still lame
  • Kai-O-Ken with Super Saiyan is also lame
  • Impenetrable wording like "Bakura realises how powerful the beam is and afraid the the beam may kill Vegeta take over Vegeta like before.
  • There is no conclusion to Goku firing the "Ultra Kamehameha"
  • Bakura kills everyone too easily.
  • Have I mentioned how stupid everything is?
  • I hate this story.
  • Everything happens according to SS11's fanboyisms, rather than any logic or sense.
  • It's very cliched.
  • A Spirit Bomb. REAL FUCKING ORIGINAL
  • The part where everybody fired their signature attacks sucked.
  • Zorc is overpowered.
  • Vegeta breaks free of Bakura for no reason.
  • Oh the God Monsters fuse. WHAT A GREAT RESOLUTION*
  • The end sucks.
  • Pointless story.

Closing comments: It sucked more than a hooker with no gag reflex. I couldn't tolerate it. It's very clear to see that SS11 has not improved at all, and that he is still stay the same self-righteous trash-producer he was when he was banned. He honestly shouldn't be criticizing other stories, because, well, he has no fucking talent whatsoever.

Five word summary: Among the worst of time.

Grade: F--

User blog:SSWerty/The Swetty reviews

Pros

  • His pros and cons are sometimes interesting to see. For example, "Prince Vegeta Saga gets a bit tedious after awhile, especially after his first mission" is something which I definitely agree with and that definitely needs to be brought to the author's attention.
  • I've always liked your T:O review. You genuinely did give your honest thoughts. I think your cons on it were very valid, and they have helped to improve as a writer, I think.
  • Unlike fellow user KidVegeta, I've always liked the number system to be used as grading. It makes it easier to quantify, for me, and it does give the blog a tint of originality.
  • Many of your perspectives on stories are interesting, such as your opinion of TMT. You've given it one of the most positive reviews on the site.
  • With stories like Unlimated, you tried to limit the review from being too long, even if it was downright plagued with problems. While it's always funny to see a huge review, it sometimes is a bit more effective at delivering a clear opinion to keep it as succinct as possible.
  • A nice review of Sixth. You very clearly articulated your thoughts on the fanon.
  • Your review of Piccolo: The Guardian of Hell was excellent. You went into both pros and cons and gave suggestions for improvement.
  • I'm glad someone told me what I had done right in YYHZ. XD
  • Another good humour review, this time for KC.
  • I think that you reviewed your own story better than most people could. You looked at it from an unbiased perspective and realized what you needed to fix. I think that your review of ST alone is enough to garner you some respect.

Cons

  • I have always felt your review of The Forgotten to be a bit off. It's a very good fanon, albeit one with flaws, and I would put it above an 8.0 myself. Your pros and cons were valid (well, for the most part), but the final rating seemed biased.
  • There are very stupid cons in the reviews sometimes, such as "Mrs. Fanshi taking Ledas in straight away; a bit creepy, if you ask me"
  • I think you overrated T:O by calling it the best DBZ fanon on all of the interwebz.
  • With the review of IR, I think that you once again underrated it. It's definitely on par with (if not better than), T:O, which you rated as better.
  • Some cons don't really make sense, like "I finished it" on the TMT review.
  • TMT was overrated somewhat, in my mind, as it is in no way better than TF.
  • With Special, I think you may have exaggerated the importance of its shortness.
  • Based on the review of DIR, I think it was rated a bit too lowly.
  • I've never liked your review of Why Bother? much. It's almost as though you didn't l;ike it, but still wanted to rate it high, which kinda makes it seem falsified.
  • Your final rating for YYHZ was silly.
  • Your review of Slaved seemed lacking, to me. You just kinda criticized the story, rather than explaining how he could improve.
  • You overrated Screwed. There's no other way to put it, it wasn't good, but you said it was above average.

Closing comments: Truth be told, I think this is one of the better review blogs out there. You generally do say something worth meaning, but some of your reviews are also very lackluster, in my opinion. I think you also produced them fairly quickly, which is another pro. In general, I do think this was a decent review blog, and certainly not a horrible one, as others have said.

Five Word Summary: Usually good; at times lackluster.

Rating: Q+

The Daily Routine of Goku

Pros

  • Decent spelling and grammar
  • I think the only moderately funny part was how Goku went out to play twice, simply because it shows him acting like a child

Cons

  • Goku OOC
  • The writing is really very boring. I know you were going for a certain type of style, but it basically sucks all the humour out of the story.
  • Horrible Gohan OOC
  • Very immature subject matter, once again
  • With The Size of IT, I could at least understand what you were trying to make seem funny. This time around, however, it just seemed like you were talking about Goku and Chi-Chi having sex while Gohan watched on a computer screen. I don't see what's funny about that.
  • I think you talked about the condoms for a bit too long. Once more, I don't see what's funny about a guy putting on a condom. I also don't see why Chi-Chi would need a condom, 'cause she's a girl and whatnot.
  • Why in bloody hell would Gohan want to watch his parents have sex? That's just weird, man.

Closing comments: I think this was slightly worse than The Size of IT, simply because The Size of IT has parts in it that could be considered funny. This has nothing. It doesn't make sense and once again has very few redeeming values.

Five Word Summary: Mundane, immature, unfunny, and unenjoyable.

Rating: F-

User blog:KidVegeta/KidVegeta's reviews

Reviews. They are of much importance on this fine wiki, given that there is no other way that we would be able how to improve our stories, or how we did in the first place. Both experienced users and complete |\|008s have made review blogs. Some have failed, and some have triumphed. However, where do the prestigious KidVegeta's reviews fall on this spectrum?


Let me say, first and foremost, that these are without a doubt the most detailed reviews on the entirety of the wiki. No other review blog on the wiki even so much as comes close to listing the same amount of cons as this blog does, and for that alone I must applaud it. All the reviews are done with obvious care in mind (save for a few earlier reviews), and they are articulated well enough to show exactly his thoughts on the fanon. Granted, on perhaps a few of his reviews, he may go into a bit too much detail or hate on aspects of the fanon without clear reason, but he generally manages to be an exceptional reviewer.

{C {C}This is not meant to be taken the wrong way, but his reviews can come to be so long that the exact reason of his hatred lists can become muddied amidst the masses of cons. In his review of Unlimated, for example, he lists well over 400 cons. It is important to list each of the cons, granted, given that the writer should understand that he or she did wrong, but at the same time it does make it unclear what he hated the most. In Unlimated, the worst part was of course the grammar and spelling, but he bashes the plot so much that this could be lost to the writer. For writers such as SS11, they may come off of a review thinking their primary problem is OOC, while their real problem is actually just their shit plots.

{C {C}I am not advocating that you minimize the number of cons you list; no, each con should be listed. I would, instead, suggest that you perhaps place more emphasis on the super important cons; or even, perhaps, have an entire section devoted to just listing the most importantest cons. This could help to deliver to the author what you hated the most about the story, so that nothing can get lost in the mass of cons you provide. Once again, though, all the cons are important to list. Do not misinterpret this and start placing down fewer cons just to satisfy this paragraph.

{C {C}The blog also has unparalleled variety in it. No other reviews blog manages to review stories, user pages, user blogs, the creator's own stories, and even talk archives in such a seamless fashion. He also delivers the reviews at a rapid fire pace, never going and not posting for weeks on end. No matter what the content is, he always manages to find a way to review it.

{C {C}Many of his reviews are among the finest on all the wiki; his reviews of "A Sprint to the Top", "HZ's Reviews", and even "Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem" are nearly perfect, and that is just scraping the bottom of the barrel. I would see very few of his reviews as bad reviews, which is damn impressive when you have almost 70 reviews to date.

{C {C}At much the same time, some of his reviews are, quite frankly, not up to par. The worst review I think he has ever put out is "The Swetty Reviews". Here, I think, he was overcome by bias, going to the point where he basically just said he didn't like the reviews of his stories and therefore the blog was an E-. I know this was your first review of another review blog, but I still think you focussed a bit too much on how a few of his reviews weren't the best on the site, while for the most part his reviews were just fine. I think some of his other "bad" reviews include his review of Jello and his review of Majin Magic. I do feel you overrated both of them, as both were horrible, yet they did receive the lowest possible grade, in spite of the rest of your review.

{C {C}Speaking of rankings, I do feel that the rankings are the Achilles' Heel of the review blog. The reviews are typically insightful, helpful, detailed... and then comes the rating. KidVegeta effectively just defaults to an E- whenever he has nothing else to say about a story. This makes the ratings of the fics absolutely pointless. If a fic is average, it receives an E-. If a fic is bad, it receives an E-. If a fic is very bad, it receives an E-. If a fic is downright horrible, it receives, suprise suprise, an E-. Once the alarming frequency of the E-s is considered, it becomes apparent that if a fanon is not an A or a B, it will just receive an E-. I think that occasionally using Cs and Ds might help to give the ratings a little bit more depth.


I know that much of this review has been negative; for this, I apologize. This has been my first attempt at detailed reviews, so it is no doubt unsatisfactory. However, I feel that the blog has numerous good aspects and numerous bad aspects. For the most part, though, the pros do outweigh the cons here, and, when all is said and done, I do think that this is the single best review blog on the entirety of the site. It gives valid, well articulated opinions, clear reasons, and is very well detailed. For this, I give this blog my highest commendations.


Rating: A+

Dragonball KC

Please do note that this is indeed a humour story and therefore I will be reviewing it as such.

Pros

  • Random Super Saiyan 5.
  • No spelling or grammar content whatsoever.
  • Random King Kai
  • Goku rode upon Shenron like a horse but Shenron cared naught
  • Terrible terrible Out of Character.
  • LSS5 Broly lol
  • Random Super Saiyan 6
  • Vegeta can't argue with science
  • "I AM A DEVil"
  • Broly smached him in the face
  • Gohan just got off his sunglasses
  • Random Super Gogogeta
  • All the spontaneously achieved Super Saiyan levels
  • Raditz was too weak to fuse, but King Piccolo wasn't. Haha.
  • gogogetalotanks is epic man
  • "But i have mor too right nwo".
  • Random Naruto.
  • Dende randomly goes back to Namek. That's my favorite part.
  • Goku saves the day!!! as a whole makes little to no sense.
  • Mocking Cuber's quote was hilarious
  • Oolong appearing, but not being named.
  • " then vegito went bac in the ball and no more com. " what does that even mean? hahaha
  • Random Dalas
  • Krillin's appearance was incredible.
  • "Dalas got even madder and trew his cowboy hat and broked his scooter with anger."
  • Not explaining what happened to Dalas
  • Mr. Chokon has teh ons
  • Chokon sings Pretty Boy Swag. Hahaha.
  • The song breaks their ears and then kills them. Hahaha.
  • Dende sings Magic Carpet Ride.
  • "dendy grunted. Even bulma shake then chokon ti sig sparkyrie eye goes dry he tried but it no good. one time chokon jump but then he fefll. oops he say and die." What just happened?
  • F. Trunks and Korin, aptly named the cat, randomly appear.
  • Mr. Stan somehow beats Gohan
  • Korin beating F. Trunks. Hahaha.
  • Random Frieza fight.
  • " she amd necklice for super wish 3 times mega sherron sherron is too dtridag oh and he is sparkle blue" What could that possibly mean?
  • Sorry for spelling some is a hilarious mockery of Unlimated.
  • The story is simply hilarious as a whole.
  • The last chapter is my favorite work of humour on the entirety of the wiki. The combination of incredible writing with horrible plot-work is something very pertinent to me, as I commonly write a story with a lacking plot yet exemplary writing.

Cons

  • Even if the nonsense parts are funny, it'd be nice to at least understand what was happening.
  • Chapter 9 was really very lackluster. This was the epitome of the first con, in that I couldn't really understand what was happening. Part of the fun of the story is just thinking about how horrible the plot is, and, in the last chapter, you can't really do that, because you can't understand the plot. Chapter 9 was the only chapter that I didn't laugh at, at all.
  • The story, when read as a whole, can get really tedious. It's basically just repeated nonsense. I know this is intentional, but it does make it hard to gulp the entire thing down in one sitting, despite its hilarity and short length.
  • It sort of takes away from the realism of the story when you realize that the grammar of the story recedes as the story continues. Kind of makes it an obvious trollfic.

Closing comments: This is perhaps the funniest story on the entirety of the wiki. It's so poorly written, so poorly executed... it's downright incredible.

Five-word summary: The epitome of humourous mockery.

Rating == X

User blog:SonikFan112/Sonik's Reviews

Pros

  • SF manages to take a generally unbiased approach to the stories. This is, needless to say, a good thing.
  • His opinions are generally well explained. This was most apparent in his IR review, which is, IMO, one of the best reviews on the site.
  • Another excellent review was your review of Screwed. Very accurate review. I especially liked how you managed to remain completely civil in it, and be wholly unbiased.
  • Your review of "The Size of IT" was spot-on. Flawless review there.
  • Unlike most reviewers, SF112 is able to review a story that has actual depth to it. Many reviewers can only review bad stories because they're easy; you just list a bunch of cons and then move on. However, SF is able to review both bad, average, and good stories very well.

Cons

  • Your T:O review was not very well-explained. I would have liked some examples as to what you meant about the "redundancy" thing.
  • Simply put, you very often give a story no cons whatsoever. You do this in four reviews: Slaved, Sixth, Why Bother?, and To Be Proud. When you don't offer any cons, it doesn't leave the reader with any idea of how he could improve. It's not enough to just give pros.
  • You sometimes include random and/or silly pros/cons in your reviews. These include:
    • The name reminds me of “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny”.
    • The story is short, but I can understand this as in-story it only lasts a night.
    • Why did they call Dabura to handle the situation, considering King Yemna put him in heaven? Wouldn’t they call, you know, King Yemna?

I think that if you managed to minimize the number of cons that are like this it would really help to improve your reviews.

Closing Comments: I think that these reviews are good. However, I think that a big problem here is that when a user is a better writer than SF, not that there are very many of these, SF is left clueless in criticizing it. This is why he so commonly has no cons in his reviews, which I feel to be the bigggest flaw in his body of reviews on the whole. My advice would be to re-read a fanon if you can't find any flaws in it; after all, if I can find 11 cons for IR, you can surely find at least one for Slaved. Overall, these reviews are generally of much help to the author and are among the best on the site.

Rating: B+

Dragon Ball ST: Origins of Serroli

Pros

  • The story is very unique, right from the beginning.
  • I think that a lot of the description is great. I really like the part where Akuno is hanging in the air and then comes down into a brave new world.
  • Great grammar, spelling, all that jazz.
  • I actually really liked the inclusion of the Radraat (or Yardrat) people. It’s something original that I’ve never really seen before.
  • Akuno and Serroli are both interesting characters. I think they can be a bit bland, but in general they’re somewhat interesting.
  • You may be going for some type of allegory with the Saiyans in regards to the wiki; if you are, then that’s awesome.
  • The Aratame parts are interesting. However, I think the connection to the normal fanon could be a bit clearer.
  • Akuno killing the servant out of anger made me laugh.
  • I think that Akuno’s creation of a second Serroli was among the high points of the fanon. I really liked that part. The detail in thought was really amazing.


Cons

  • Much of the dialog seems off, such as the professor telling the boy he is about to kill him and then asking for his name.
  • The writing is consistently awkward
  • I strongly dislike that Akuno made the new world, but has no remembrance of it.
  • The plot seems to lack coherency early on.
  • I hated the paragraph about how fancy the palace was, and despised the part about how even the highest people on the social ladder would be mere servants in the hall. It seemed so forced.
  • I think Serroli and Akuno may be a bit too formal, for Saiyans.
  • There’s the occasional typo, but nothing that really interferes with the story.
  • I think Serroli resorted to violence far too quickly, especially after telling Akuno he would do no such thing.
  • Including Horenso and Kabu in the fanon, only for them to leave so soon after, and so abruptly too, seemed unnecessary
  • Akuno having two names is just silly. Silly silly.
  • I think you couldn’t have made it any less clear why Serroli was so mad. I assumed it was because he was woken early, but he seemed to calm when he was first woken for this to be the case.
  • I think that the battery upon Namek was really lackluster. You don’t show the deaths at all, just talk about them.
  • The dramatic difference between the power lovels of modern saiyans and the saiyans way back then needs an explanation.
  • I think some of the background characters, like Kohl and Rabi, could’ve used much more introduction. They’re also completely pointless characters.
  • I know this is kinda a silly con, but I think you should be more consistent with your chapter sizes. The last 4 chapters makes up for like ½ of the story.
  • I think your execution of the OSS was among the poorest interpretations of the OSS on all the interwebz. I know I didn’t pull him off too masterfully myself, but his appearance here was downright horrible.
  • Akuno is a bit too much of a screamer. It’s like I’m listening to Nirvana.
  • There is some word repetition in the story, like repeated use of rectify.
  • I do believe that Akuno’s character is really much too far out there at times. He’s not really believable for much of the story.
  • Some of the dialog later on is horrible. I just can’t imagine anyone saying what they say, ever.
  • The New Serroli became a SSJ for no reason at all. I think that was a very weak point of the fanon.
  • Serroli’s defeat was very underwhelming and abrupt, almost as if the author never really thought it out beforehand and simply needed a way for Serroli to lose in the end. Really struck me as an asspull.
  • The story is simply filled with loose ends. I think the weakest part of the story was the over-abundant plot-holes present. I needed far more elaboration on how Aratame became Akuno, how he created the universe, how he became so powerful, how he survived the professor trying to kill him. You also never followed through on many of the storylines you started, such as the whole of the Saiyan revolt.

{C {C}Closing comments: I think that this is, in general, a wholly average fanon. It has an ambitious plot, although not a fully well-thought out plot. The writing is at times very choppy, but I think it’s not so bad you can’t get through the fanon. The fanon is fairly enjoyable, but I think the numerous flaws present really bring the entire fic down. This is of a higher quality than the original ST, but it also has just as many holes present. I really have mixed feelings about it.

Five word summary: Flawed greatly, but still enjoyable.

Rating: B

So Lonely At The Top (Legacies Episode)

Pros

  • Given that this is a KV story, I really shouldn't have to say this, but I will anyways. The spelling, grammar, all that jazz is great.
  • It's written in first person, which is surely an interesting change.
  • It covers a nuance in the DB universe, rather than a major concept, which I personally find to be pretty cool
  • Subtle in places, which I found to be refreshing

Cons

  • I think that the most significant con in the entirety of the story is simply that Cui's voice doesn't really remain consistent throughout it. At some points he talks like a complete child, while at other times he speaks very elegantly. Due to this lack of consistency, lots of character was detracted from the story and it kind of made the whole first person experiment a failed one. At times it felt like I was reading Cui write, at other times it felt like I was reading KV write.
  • Kid Vegeta should not have done that much damage to Recoome, who was far stronger than him.

Closing comments: I find this fanon to be an original one that has some interesting aspects to it, but the alternating writing styles in a first person fanon really kept me from getting into it as much I would like to. In general, though, I thought this was a great fanon.

Rating: A

Dragonball is

Pros

  • None

Cons

  • Tang needs a much better introduction
  • If there were no more saiyans, then a Saiyan could not give birth to a Saiyan, therefore meaning that the story does not make sense.
  • If there were no more Saiyans on Earth, Tang would not know what a Super Saiyan was, and therefore would not train to achieve it.
  • So the TV announces that a new evil is to come. Huh. How 'bout that.
  • Saying that only Tang can stop him makes it clear, right from the beginning, that Tang is a huge gary-stu.
  • No build-up whatsoever.
  • Ultra. That's a good name. Did you have to use your pocket thesaurus for that one?
  • Immediately crosses out any option for defeating Ultra other than to become a Super Saiyan 4. And the fact that you tell us the battle will happen in a year automatically removes any suspense.
  • Stupid shit about becoming a Great Ape, being calmed by his girlfriend Letta, and then going straight to Ultra Super Saiyan 4 without achieving SS4 first.
  • You never wrote anything past him becoming an USS4, but that might actually be a good thing, considering how terrible this was.

Closing comments: It sucked.

Five word summary: Stupid, impossible, unoriginal, and pointless.

Rating: F-

Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem

Pros

  • The spelling, grammar, sentence structure, all that jazz is nearly perfect.
  • Writing is the best on the site. No questions.
  • The opening poem is, quite frankly, brilliant. Easily among my favorite poems. I know you didn't write it, but I still like it a lot.
  • Buu's feelings of disbelief at first were very realistic and really added to his character. I liked it lots.
  • The take on Buu's character minus the power is, simply put, brilliant.
  • Buu's character development is perhaps the best on the site.
  • The candy shop scene is downright legendary.
  • The concluding poem is the singlebest work of art on the entirety of the wiki.

Cons

  • There is the occasional typo, but it doesn't really get in the way unless your critiquing the story, heh.
  • Sometimes, particularly earlier on, the description can be a bit too blunt, like in the sentence, "Buu screamed again, in his insanity."
  • KV may have spent a few too many paragraphs at the beginning. I know that establishing a timeframe is important, but I think you could've started the story at maybe when Buu reflected the Spirit Ball or somewhere around there.
  • Almost no plot development at all in the first chapter. You basically recount the events of episode 286 and then have Buu walk up to Babidi. Definitely could've put a bit more into the first chapter.
  • I think that, in chapter 2, you could've been a bit more clear on how much time passed. You just said "As time wore on...", which kind of leaves it ambiguous. The statement kind of implies that a long time passes, but based on how Buu acts afterwards, it seems to only be a few hours.
  • I think it's realistic for Buu to understand that his power was shipped to another vessel, but I do not think it is realistic for him to be able to immediately recognize the vessel his old power now belonged to. That part could use a bit more elaboration, I think.
  • This is a very minor con, but I think a lot of Baba's early dialog was a bit off.
  • Goku really hasn't heard Baba scream before, so I have no idea how he would recognize her scream, nor jump to the immediate conclusion that it was her scream. There are, you know, other dragon ball characters with shrill voices.
  • Yemma was OOC, especially in his dialog. I think he was a bit too elegant.
  • "And no greater wrath had Uub ever witnessed." What other wrath is he going to have faced? It's not like he's actually fought anyone of genuine might. Is this showing that Buu was more wrathful than Goku when he was taking training too seriously?
  • The whole scene between Yemma and Babidi was kind of silly, simply because Yemma is blackmailed for the information and then seemingly never does anything with the information he got from Babidi
  • I don't see the reasoning behind Babidi taking Buu away, given that Buu will never cooperate under her. I know that any other resolution would be cliched, but I still would have liked some more light on her motivations throughout the story.

Closing comments: Many a vast users have tried to claim this story perfect. They have framed this story as being without a blemish, without a singly kink in its creation. Now, with all due respect to the author of this story, this is most certainly not the case. The story has flaws, in much the same sense that it has perks. For no story would be complete without full role of both pros and cons.

Never has KidVegeta produced a story which is inherently bad. Some are worse than others, granted, but none are bad. From KC, with its satirical brilliance, to A Mother's Love, with its allegorical sauvity; Slaved and Sixth, with their anecdotal but emotional styles, and even So Lonely At The Top, with its unique experimentation. Never has he released the same story twice, and consistently has he produced only the finest quality of stories.

However, among this vast mass of stories, no other story contains such raw genius. It uses no tricks to conceal its originality, instead using abiding by the rules of a normal story. With this, it creates the most well-written, meaningful work this wiki has yet to have to grace its fair bandwidth. And as such, I can give this story only my highest commendations.

Five word summary: Genius in its purest form.

Rating: X

User blog:Hyper Zergling/HZ's Reviews

Pros

  • Typically well articulated opinions
  • Interesting insight into some stories, like Why Bother?
  • Well organized review blog.
  • There is a fairly sizable amount of reviews, at 22.

Cons

  • Reviews typically only have a few pros and cons. There is very little thought or care put into these reviews whatsoever. This doesn't apply quite so much to his reviews of bad stories, but his reviews of good-decent stories are usually very minimalistic.
  • The ratings system is subpar, given that plenty of stories with no relation in quality are given the same rank. The terms of all the ratings are subpar.

Closing comments: I think that the lack of any thought in these reviews drags the blog down quite a bit. When there is a review with one pro and one con, it really tells the author nothing. I think that, if he tried a good bit harder to give a fair amount of pros and cons, the reviews would have a lot more meaning to them

Five Word Summary: Shallow reviews with little thought.

Rating: Q+

Dragon Ball:Adventures

Pros

  • Strange as this may seem, I've always thought that the idea of Bardock going Super Saiyan was somewhat interesting. I've had the idea myself, so I'd say the premise is okay.
  • Grammar and spelling is okay.
  • Surprisingly, most of the characters are in character. The dialog isn't actually that bad, for the characters besides Bardock.
  • Fight scenes are fairly good.

Cons

  • I think that the fact that the events of the original story are the same up to Bardock going super saiyan is somewhat illogical. I think it would have been much better if there was some change of events before Bardock went super saiyan which actually caused him to go Super Saiyan.
  • Writing is very plain. You basically just say, "Bardock was mad." It would have been much better if you gave some type of imagery to describe his anger or had him do some action to represent his anger.
  • Going LSSJ makes almost no sense at all. That's not a transformation triggered by rage, it's triggered by genetics. It'd be way better if he just went normal super saiyan.
  • It doesn't make any sense at all for Bardock to conceal his Super Saiyan power. I also don't see why he would need the help of other saiyans, 'cause he's so powerful now.
  • Very little buildup.
  • Dialog formatting is bad. You really should make a new paragraph each time someone talks. That's just basic formatting.
  • Bardock is OOC in his dialog. I could never imagine him saying "Oh well. Whatever it is, it shouldn't cause me any trouble."
  • You never say that Bardock powers up to his LSSJ, so there is no reason at all that he should be defeating a powered up Zarbon. That's just a complete lack of any understanding of power differences.
  • Very bad end to the story. It's super anti-climactic for Bardock to win a beam struggle and to just kill Frieza like that. It was almost like you couldn't find a decent way to end the story so you just had Bardock use an energy attack to kill him. That was a very low point for the story.
  • Bardock becoming the king of planet Vegeta is just a fanboy ploy. I think you could've written a better epilogue for sure. Perhaps something about Bardock meeting up with his son later or being a general in the Saiyan army. The way the epilogue currently goes is very subpar.
  • Goku's life going exactly the same as it would in the normal universe, except with Cooler instead of Frieza, doesn't make much sense, simply because Bardock kills Vegeta in this alternate timeline. Therefore, Goku would never meet Vegeta, so he would never meet Cooler either. That was just a lazy conclusion.

Closing Comments: This story is mildly interesting. It is entertaining, but definitely needed expansion. It seemed rush and without much thought to it. However, the story does have it's saving graces, so I would never say that it is terrible - at much the same time, though, it is not exactly good. In short, I look forward to future installments of Dragon Ball:Adventures, as it does show moderate promise.

Five Word Summary: Moderately entertaining yet poorly made.

Rating: D

User blog:AkurnaSkulblaka/AkurnaSkulblaka's Reviews

Pros

  • The only pro here is that the reviews typically aren't that bad as the reviews by others that are notoriously bad, such as SS11's reviews, but some of the reviews are about as bad.

Cons

  • Akurna refuses to review anything that's any more than just a chapter long. That's absolutely ridiculous, in all ways imaginable.
  • The review blog is almost never updated.
  • The reviews are very short and nearly useless. This is even more prominent than HZ's reviews, because she doesn't even give out a decent amount of cons for bad stories.
  • Useless review of IR. She basically said it had good grammar and that Buu was stronger than Babidi. Following this, she claimed it was the greatest fanon to ever grace the face of the internet.
  • The review of KC was vague, uninformative and completely useless. The author can get nothing out of it; it offers no help at all other than that she didn't think it was funny.
  • Saying that you didn't like the format of AML is ridiculous. You also offered no reasoning as to why it was good or bad otherwise, so that basically just makes the review pure bias.
  • Her rating system is very inspecific, so it is hard to use it to gauge the actual quality of the fanon.

Closing comments: I think that is definitely one of the weakest review blogs out there, probably in the bottom ten. The reviews do nothing to help the author and almost no thought is put into them. She also almost never updates it and never reads longer fanons, so it's pretty much just gathering dust.

Five word summary: Pointless, with no redeeming values.

Rating: F-

Dragon Ball T

Many a night ago, I was speaking to my dearest friend, Mr. KidVegeta. We spoke of the general low quality of the fanons on the wiki; how a satire of them could help to point out their flaws better than any review could. And so, the brainchild known as Dragonball KC was formed. It amassed a huge following of fans, many of whom loved it so much that they claimed it the greatest humour story of all time, before it came to a conclusion with a whimper, and not a bang.

In spirit, it has continued onwards as a story. The horrible Goku Chronicles and the pathetic Yu Yu Hakusho Z have tried to use the same type of humour to create a story, yet neither of the two really accomplished much of anything. Every user without an ounce of talent, from NomadMusik to KorintheKat, has tried to make their own funny story, in lieu of thinking out a coherent plot and creating a genuine story. And then there was the ultimate culmination of all of this: SS11 tried his hand at a humour fanon.

We don't need another story of this sort on the wiki. It's tried and tested at this point and we're all sick of it. This story is filling no niche, nor is it creating any laughs. It's just trying to rip off a much better fanon because he can't write a decent fanon himself. It's on the same note as "The Remembered Coldians", and, unsurprisingly, it's just as bad.

We start out the story with Trunks coming back in time and killing people. It's not parodying anything, it's just trying to evoke laughs with complete incoherency. Trunks then kills the Z Fighters. Brilliant. Shenron eats Trunks. Shenron turns into Godzilla. The Hell villains kill Shenron. It's supposed to be funny because it makes no sense, but, quite frankly, it's not. The execution is just too poor to bring forth even a grin.

Part of the problem is that the spelling and grammar is around where SS11 usually writes. If he made it worse or, even, better, the story could be a whole lot funnier. However, as it stands, it is just as ridiculous and poorly written as any other story he has ever made.

After this, we see all the Saiyans go "legendary super sayian123456789123456789123456789987654321987654321987654321192837465". This might be funny if the same exact joke hadn't been made a million and half times before. It's simply no longer funny, at all. It's also extremely cliched, as it seems that nigh every humour story nowadays has the joke. It goes to show that everything that SS11 writes is just a cliched piece of filth.

The story just drones on from there. A bunch of random crossovers which attempt to be funny happen and nobody laughs. Everyone dies again and, surprisingly, it's still not funny. The story concludes in a way that replicates Chapter 8 of KC with near perfection, but is still a helluva lot less funny. Luckily, the story is only 4 paragraphs, so we don't have to deal with the shit for too long,

In short, I think that this is one of the poorest comedies on the site. It's basically KC without any of the appeal. With that said, I think that this story may be the very epitome of everything that is currently wrong with the wiki. Nobody can be bothered enough to come up with a decent plot, so they just write a stupid comedy instead. I'm not saying that comedies are necessarily a bad thing; Cell and Frieza go camping certainly shows promise, but in general the comedies we create are pathetic lumps of non-humour. Everything about this story sucks; for that, I despise it. I genuinely wish that SS11 would either stop writing the shit he makes or at least try to improve his technique. But, as it stands, he is the most awful writer currently on the wiki. And this story is no exception.

Rating: F-

Dragon Ball DA: Galactic Terrorists

Pros

  • Grammar and spelling is generally good.
  • The story is well detailed, in that you can tell what is going on and visualize it to some extent.
  • There definitely isn't any overpowering. That's a very good thing, especially when the time that this story was made is considered.
  • Fight scenes are, at best, passable. They're good enough to keep me interested, but nothing really special.
  • I think that the big scene of chaos in the town square was really quite entertaining and engaging.
  • The last battle was rather well done, I think.
  • The fact that the last battle gives a better explanation as to why Frieza destroyed Planet Vegeta is really interesting and helps to make the story a lot more purposeful, I think.

Cons

  • Dialog formatting is off; please start a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks.
  • Some of the names are laughable, such as General Pinaple.
  • Dialog ranges from decent to just bad. I think that some of it is just horrible, such as Vegeta saying, "Fine. I guess I can't hope for more." while most of it is okay.
  • Charon revealing that he was the one who killed Cafa so quickly seems unrealistic.
  • The idea of the Dsioch gaining power after every triumph basically just serves as a plot device for the characters in the fanon to continue growing in power. Without that, the Dsioch would just fall behind and never return. Of course, in some regard, it is more interesting than just having them train or whatnot, so this isn't the biggest problem ever.
  • Description is very simplistic. It's as if a robot is recounting the events of the story to me.
  • The characters are very undeveloped fanon characters. From Choke, who's just cliched, to Charon, who's just bland, none of the characters themselves hold much interest to me.
  • The Elder is far too similar to Elder Kai, right down to unlocking Charon's potential. He's basically just a carbon copy.
  • The elder saving Charon at the last minute was a bit of an asspull. I would have rather seen Charon just die there.

Closing comments: This is definitely one of the more entertaining stories that I have read. It doesn't take itself too seriously and has decent writing, so I can appreciate it in that regard alone. I think that I actually preffered this to the original ST, but didn't think it was quite as good as OoS, so my rating was chosen accordingly. I'd say that this story does nothing out of the ordinary to separate itself from the rest of the pack, but at much the same time isn't so bad that it comes off as being below average. Nice job, POAS!

Rating: B-

Cell and Frieza Go Camping

Pros

  • I think that the fact that this is a humour story with a coherent plot warrants a pro.
  • Great writing, in the sense that mechanics, spelling, and word choice is quite good
  • I found myself consistently smiling at the story.
  • The first part of Chapter 3, with the human extra, was actually really funny and clever. I liked it a lot.

Cons

  • Kid Buu shouldn't be in hell unless there is a reasonable idea as to why
  • Dabura sending the two to Earth makes little sense. They could easily kill the entire population of Earth while up there.
  • Writing can definitely get fairly awkward.
  • Far as I can tell, everybody is OOC. For a nonsense humour story, this would be okay. However, for a genuine humour story, like what you are writing, it doesn't really work.
  • Cell was a bit too calm in the story. He should have reacted more strongly to having to share a tent with Frieza.
  • Dialog is badly done. I would suggest speaking your lines aloud to see if they sound right, because many of the lines of dialog in the story right now are very unrealistic.
  • No part of the story is very funny. While it is, earlier on, amusing enough to evoke a few smiles, the mass of the story simply isn't very funny. I think that you need to be a bit wittier or more bombastic if you want people to laugh harder. As it stands, the story is funny enough to bring forth a few smiles, but not funny enough to actually laugh very hard at.

Closing comments: I think the only redeeming aspect of the story is that it has a coherent plot and is a comedy. This is basically unheard of on the wiki and is a refreshing change. However, the plot isn't particularly strong or interesting and I rarely laughed at the story, so I think that it lacks any sort of "wow" factor to it. I think that you may need to rework the plot of the story or make funnier scenes, because it is dearly underwhelming as it stands.

Rating: Q-

DragonBall Z: The Revenge Saga

Pros

  • None come to mind.

Cons

  • The story starts up very abruptly. There is absolutely no buildup.
  • Frieza being granted a wish due to being a villain makes no sense at all.
  • Frieza being taken over by Babidi happens far, far too quickly. That part of the story is extremely rushed.
  • Very bad transitioning. The plot has little coherency.
  • Kid Buu is much much stronger than Broly.
  • Kid Buu absorbing Broly with no explanation is something I would expect from a trollfic, not a serious attempt at a fanon.
  • Buu Broly absorbing all the Dragon Balls to gain power is just ridiculous.
  • Where did Cell come from? If Kid Buu just absorbed Broly in hell, why is he suddenly fighting Goku?
  • Dialog is among the worst I have ever seen.
  • Random transition into script format. If you want to do this, like in T:O, I would suggest putting the script section into a different text color. Otherwise, it just seems like you don't know what you are doing.
  • If Majin Frieza is only as strong as Majin Vegeta, SS3 Gotenks would be able to defeat him with the greatest of ease.
  • Why is Cell on New Namek all of a sudden? Why does Cell want slaves? This story does not make sense.
  • Cell does not have the power to brainwash any organic lifeforms. That is just ridiculous.
  • New Vegeta? Really? All the Saiyans were killed by Frieza, a long time ago. That does not make sense.
  • you filthy slime, that actually hurt, IT HURT! Like i told your friend Goku years ago, before i followed through with my plan. I warned you, if it comes to me being killed by you, THEN I RATHER DIE BY MY OWN HANDS, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO DIE, YOU ARE THE ONES WHO WILL, I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU ALONG WITH TRASHEAP YOU CALL A PLANET." Perhaps the worst bit of dialog I have ever read.
  • Frieza is hugely overpowered. Everyone, including SSJ4 Vegeta, hit him with their strongest attacks and he is barely bruised? Ridiculous.
  • Honestly? Super Saiyan 5 Vegeta? With no explanation? That's absolutely ridiculous.
  • Frieza's beg for mercy after being cut in half is ridiculous, because he was cut in half. He should be dead.
  • Gohan living is a complete asspull.
  • The story is ridiculously melodramatic.
  • Why is Goku on New Namek too? This is a very badly thought out story.
  • "By the way this is something I forgot to tell you years ago, after the first fight with Brolly, Raditz half-saiyan son, took charge of New Vegeta. With Nappa's full blooded saiyan son as his apprentice. And the second in a linneage of legendary saiyans tagging along as partner number 3." Perhaps the worst plot point I have ever read.
  • ... why is Tien going to fight Broly Buu, of all people? That's so stupid.
  • Everyone is OOC. I think the worst of it is, Piccolo "alright Mr.Strategist whats plan B."
  • Goku's appearance is so random that it's not even funny.
  • Super Ultra Cell? GTFO
  • Why does everyone have Super Saiyan 5?
  • Frieza surviving is so stupid it makes me want to kill myself.
  • Cooler randomly healing Frieza? bah, I hate this story.
  • Cooler exploding because he absorbed too much ki is a horrible, lazy plot point.
  • Gohan dying and then causing Goku to transform into SSJ6 is ridiculous.
  • Cell's defeat is very lazy and rushed.
  • I should mention that there is no plot in this story and it is just a string of horrible fights.

Closing Comments: This story is rushed, implausible, badly thought out and incoherent. The plot is bad, as are the fights. I honestly have to wonder if this is a troll story.

Five word summary: A poor attempt at fanon.

Rating: F--

User blog:NomadMusik/Reviews… as they fall, I rise.

Pros

  • His reviews of Multiverse, IP, and Dragon Ball:Adventures aren’t horrible reviews; mind you, they’re not good reviews either.

Cons

  • The first con comes right off the bat, in the ratings system. “I will review comedies in a paragraph format. I will bash your story and yourself in one paragraph, and say the good stuff in another. Don't take any of these reviews in offense nor seriously.” Is there any reason to do it like this? No. Does it make it completely pointless to review comedy stories? Yes. You might as well say, “I’m not going to give an honest opinion on the story, I’m just going to ramble on about nothing in my review.”
  • While your Nameko review was decent, it still has one of the stupidest cons I have ever seen in it. "I know that Goku is a super saiyan 3 but since it is his first non-ape transformation which increased his power everyone just assumes that he is a super saiyan 1." That's utter bull. You give no reasoning as to why it is bull, you just expect everyone to respect your opinion. Here’s the thing: that actually does make sense. You just want to bash it for no reason, to act as if you are superior.
  • In your review of the Coldians, you obviously put no effort into it. Saying shit like “Cooler’s canon” and “It’s the opposite of TF” is completely pointless in a review. Your review is also very minimalistic; in a story simply riddled with errors, you manage to amount 6 cons and 2 pros. You’re clearly not conveying much here, nor are you trying to.
  • The fact that you simply removed all of Bloodlines’ cons and then gave it an S- is bullshit. The story is far from the worst on the wiki, but giving it an S- is ridiculous. In this review, you aren’t saying what you actually think about the story, you are instead saying what POAS wants you to say about his story. Not to mention that you have stupid, unarticulated cons like “Godom is the strongest fighter alive”
  • Your review of WISE is among the worst on the site. You dislike how bloody a death is, which apparently classifies as a con. Outside of that, though, the story is perfect. That’s basically just kissing KV’s ass.
  • Your IR review is completely useless. You say that you like Kid Buu and that everything else is perfect. I don’t think you understand how annoying that is on our side, not to mention that it is, once again, just kissing KV’s ass.
  • Then you review Yami. You point out a bunch of infinitesimal cons and then say that “every aspect of the story is bad”. You also introduce the biased ranking, which basically means that you are a biased ass but don’t want to admit it.
  • Your T:O review was terrible. Granted, it was much worse at first, but I won’t get into that. You now complain about two words in the story and that it has Star Trek in it. You then proceed to lie to yourself, saying that you dislike the style, which somehow makes it worse than it actually is. If you’re simply going to lie to yourself about the story, there’s really no need to make a review of it.
  • Honestly, your review of Dragon Ball T may very well be the worst on the wiki. It rips off my review of T shamelessly, but does it without any style. It ends up an incoherent jumble of words, not a review.
  • In your review of Adventures, you compliment him on pulling SSJ Bardock well and then con him for using SSJ Bardock. Please don’t send off mixed signals like that. It doesn’t help anything. Outside of that, it’s a decent review.
  • Your cons for AML are “people are too mean”, “the emails are too sophisticated”, and “the story is funny”. You then call it KidVegeta’s worst story. You clearly didn’t grasp any fragment of the meaning of the story, instead just glancing over it at face value without any interpretation whatsoever. I don’t think you should slander a story like that without understanding it, just because you don’t quite get the theme of the fanon. Regardless, this is a very poor review.
  • I should note that all your cons are very shallow and plain. You very rarely give any type of insight into the story whatsoever.

Closing comments: NomadMusik is a user who does not understand how to properly write a story. I mean this with all due respect, but he is in no place to critique a story when he does not understand basic narrative elements. At best, I would call these reviews shallow wastes of times. At worst, I would call them unmentionable things. This is, without a doubt, one of the worst review blogs on the site, although I cannot righteously call it the worst.

Five Word Summary: Shallow, uninsightful, and altogether useless.

Rating: F-

Dragon Ball Z: Futuristic Tales

Pros

  • I love the way that it is left-indexed.
  • Inspired by my story. MAH STORY
  • Bringing Babidi and Dabura in was a cool addition.
  • I would say that the plot, at best, is average.

Cons

  • Everything is very rushed. He basically just found the android after looking them for like 2 sentences.
  • So... the characters from both the future and the prime timeline are sent to the same hell? That really should be clarified. This is all very confusing as is.
  • Why would hell look familiar to Cell?
  • Simply put, the formatting is among the worst I have ever seen. Everything is very jumbled and basically incomprehensible. You really, really need to work on paragraph separation to make sure that the reader can actually understand what is going on.
  • Very poor fights. It's not enough to just say "their attacks failed". You should explain why they failed and how Cell countered them
  • Basically no buildup whatsoever.
  • Cell giving 18 time to run was completely pointless. He should have just absorbed her.
  • Whenever two characters have a conversation, it's impossible to understand what's going on. The lack of any indicators of who is talking makes it indecipherable and impossible to read.
  • Future Trunks making 16 his slave seems OOC to me.
  • How did Cell get out of Hell? This does not make very much sense.
  • "He grabbed Cell's tail. Suddenly, it set on fire." That is very poor. Even though Trunks should be strong in his SS2 form, he should not be setting things on fire like that. SS2 Gohan never caused spontaneous combustion.
  • Dabura randomly killing Babidi was poorly explained. That was a very bad part of the fanon.
  • ""I can't control myself. I have a strange lust for killing. And, personally, I hate people who lose themselves. Since I already hated you, and you lost your mind, I couldn't resist killing you." Uh, that's horrible. Dabura is OOC for sure, and you can't just say he hates Babidi. You need to explain why.
  • It's basically an unreadable story.

Closing Comments: This is a very bad story with very bad writing. The plot, which could have been decent, was brought down tremendously by it's poor pacing and complete lack of explanation. Due to the horrible formatting of the story, it becomes basically unreadable. It's as if he wrote the fanon without any intentions of ever having anyone read it. I think that the only redeeming aspect here is that some parts of the plot are unique and mildly interesting; otherwise, it's just a horrible fanon.

Five Word Summary: Okay plot with horrible writing.

Rating: F

Dragon Ball: PGT

Pros

  • I would say that the chapters are generally of a good length.
  • Fight scenes are okay.

Cons

  • I dislike the stage directions that you added into the middle of dialog, because the story is in narrative prose and whatnot.
  • You should definitely start a new paragraph whenever a new character speaks. It makes for much easier reading.
  • Goku's speech is too eloquent for him. He's a bit OOC.
  • I know you were trying to be funny, but it really sacrificed any sense of believability when Chi-Chi welcomed Broly Jr. into her home. That was also extremely OOC
  • Everybody was far too friendly and welcoming to Broly Jr., imo.
  • Why is Goku showing everyone to Broly Jr.? He's never done that with anyone else, including Gohan, so I don't see why he would do it with Broly Jr.
  • Poor attempts at humour throughout the fanon, such as Broly Jr. ramming into the grournd below because he was distracted by an attractive female.
  • I should note that the formatting is so horrible that it makes the story virtually unreadable.
  • Very bad dialog in general.
  • Best as I can tell, everybody in the story is OOC
  • Broly Jr. is a good bit of a Gary-Stu. His character is very bland.
  • Broly Jr. growing his own tail at will is simply weird.
  • I don't like that, without any training, Broly Jr. was able to take SS1 Goku on. Somebody of that power would not be deemed too weak by scientists.
  • Broly Jr. achieved LSSJ far too quickly. There was almost no buildup to that point in the story.
  • The origins of Broly Jr. were certainly rushed. They could have been interesting, but instead they were pulled off quite poorly.
  • General Kodak surviving was poorly executed. You needed to explain why he survived, not just say that he did.
  • You honestly had Broly fall down a hill and have him knocked unconscious. Why did you think that was a good idea?
  • What was the purpose of the old man?
  • I would say that much elaboration was needed on the years between when Broly jr. was made and when he escaped. I think that would have been the most interesting part of his backstory.
  • Bland as he may be, Broly Jr.’s character isn’t even consistent. He seems to be a million different people from one sentence to the next.
  • Kodak was a very clichéd, poorly made character. If all your fanon characters are going to be so poorly executed, you should probably have very few in the story.
  • I swear, the dialog here is absolutely terrible. "You have no destination do you? Come with me!", Brolia said motherly like. "Okay "mom". I thought you were my sister?", Broly said.
  • The inclusion of the Kran character was completely meaningless. Basically just a waste of bytes
  • The part where Brolia and Broly went to the college for the interview was, simply put, one of the poorest things I have ever read.
  • Bah... Broly was so OOC it’s not even humourous in the slightest.
  • How did Broly Jr. become physically harmed while inside his own mind? That did not make much sense.

Closing Comments: Upon going back to re-review this, I realized that this fanon was much poorer than I remember it being. Perhaps it has just aged badly, I do not know. However, the poor plot, the sloppy writing, and the incomprehensible formatting stopped this fanon from being even the slightest bit decent. It is, at its core, completely unreadable.

{C {C}Five Word Summary: Poorly executed fanon, without direction.

Rating: F-

Dragonball NV

Pros

  • Okay spelling and grammar. The writing is bad, but the mechanics are passable

Cons

  • No buildup at all. A new villain comes to Earth for no reason and starts attacking the Z Fighters. There’s no plot here.
  • The villain has no motivation. He just starts attacking everyone for no reason.
  • The dialog is so clichéd and boring that it’s virtually painful to sit through.
  • Pootly articulated, undetailed fight scenes
  • Please capitalize your stage directions. Please.
  • There are almost no stage directions. It’s just a bunch of bad dialog. It’s impossible to visualize anything.
  • The fanon characters have no personality at all.
  • Everything that Velii says is so clichéd that it is unreadable. It’s like you can’t come up with your own line.
  • Vegeta dies for no reason other than that you don’t like him. Not to mention that, if he was killed, they would just go to Namek to revive. They wouldn’t just go on with their life.
  • The ending was so clichéd that it fits the rest of the fanon.
  • Using Gotenks to win everything is so pointless that it basically eliminates anything which could be considered funny.
  • The same non-existent story continues into the second saga. It’s simply rehashing Movie, where another member of the prior storyline tries to avenge the last antagonist. It’s unoriginal, clichéd, and nobody wants to read it.
  • It’s so pointless to include characters like Tien and Chiaotzu if they’re going to be defeated in one sentence. Also, stop adding in unnecessary characters to battle; it simply muddles things up
  • Tower having a Mega Form is so poorly explained and pointless that I don’t even have a clever line for it. It’s simply incessant overpowering.
  • Gotenks again. Weee. This is so horrible.
  • Oh my god. You honestly let him live like that? So stupid. There’s no logic or plot in this story whatsoever.
  • Rehashing the end of the Saiyan Saga with Tower living is just unoriginal.
  • The names are also very stupid.

Closing Comments: This story is very poorly done. It has no plot. It has no characters or character development. It has no explanation. It is, in essence, an incoherent collections of poorly done fights. My only suggestion for fixing this story is to either A. restart the entire thing or B. ask for it to be deleted. As of now, there is nothing good about it, whatsoever. This author should not be giving new users advice, nor any users advice at all.

Final rating: F-

Dragon Ball Z: The Forgotten

Hi there! I am currently reviewing the single longest fanon on the site, Dragon Ball Z: The Forgotten. Given that it is nearing its end, I feel that I should do something to commemorate the end to this profilic fanon. Every two days (or sooner if possible), I will release a review of a saga or special. On the last day, KidVegeta will post the final chapter, the finale, to the fanon, which I will follow up with a review of the saga and then a 1,000+ word paragraph review. And now, let the reviewing commence!

Prince Vegeta Saga

Pros

  • Dialog is for the most part very good. It has a few blemishes, like with King Vegeta, but it’s generally very good.
  • Vegeta’s character in the story is excellently executed. I love his apathy in the beginning and his eventual acceptance of Ledas.
  • I quite like Vegeta’s conversation with Ledas about the Original Super Saiyan. I think it really shows a more emotional, child-like side of Vegeta we don’t often see.
  • I think that the fight between Ledas and Layeeck is a true showing of what this fanon is truly capable of when everything goes right. The dialog is top-notch, as is the characterization, but when really impresses about the scene is its thematic value. It really shows Ledas losing his innocence and becoming a bit feistier. If the entire fanon had these qualities, it would truly be one to blow me away.
  • The scene where TB kills Layeeck is really a shining moment in the fanon, The dialog there is excellent, and I really like the way that TB is trying to sever all of Ledas’ connections to his old life.
  • The use of stage directions in the story is excellent. It’s one of the few stories in the script format where you can actually tell what is going on.
  • Correct spelling, grammar, word selection, all that stuff.
  • I’d say that characterization is, on the whole, excellently done. This is one of the few fanons on the site which is character-driven rather than plot-driven, and for that I can appreciate it. The characters of Prince Vegeta, Layeeck, and Frieza were especially well done.

Cons

  • One thing that you do in this saga that’s a bit weird and annoying is how you sometimes devote two lines of dialog to a single character without anything in between them. You do something like this:

John: Hey Bob!

Bob: Hey John!

Bob: How are you doing on this fine day?

While this is no major flaw, it’s still something that could be reworked a bit.

  • Something about King Vegeta’s early lines seem a bit off. I think they’re just a bit too eloquent for him.
  • It doesn’t make much sense for Ledas to be able to read his scouter at such an early age, as he probably hadn’t gone to school before the age of 3.
  • I think that the relationship between Ledas and Vegeta developed a bit too quickly. I know I praised you for this earlier, buuut there was basically no gray area for it. They went from being distant to each other to being bestest friends without any of the in between being shown.
  • The idea of Nappa and King Vegeta telling a team of mercenaries to attack Ledas and Vegeta makes next to no sense to me. I think that King Vegeta was a bit too sure of Ledas and Vegeta hiding their power levels at that point, given that he had no basis to base this assumption on.
  • I think it’s a bit unrealistic for Frieza to say “Do come back alive” twice (three times if you count the special). It’s okay if you have him say it once, but maybe put a variation on it one of the times, like “Please come back alive” or “Come back alive, Vegeta”.
  • Simply put, some of TB’s dialog doesn’t make much sense. I think the most glaring example of this is “Were it so easy” which is a perfect example of a reference which simply does not fit.
  • In fact, much of TB’s dialog is either cliché-ridden or simply out of place, like he babbles about whatever he pleases regardless of the events around him. This is most apparent when he talks to Zarbon, where his lines in the conversation are, simply put, completely irrelevant. Talking about Ledas’ innocence to Zarbon for no reason is an example of very poor conversational choices.
  • King Vegeta’s dialog is, on the whole, bad. He’s so robotic that he’s completely unbelievable as a character. “I have heard what Frieza has done.” “Lord Frieza, please, do not do this…”
  • There’s no climax to the story. I understand that you don’t have to follow standard story patterns at all times, but it’d be nice if there was at least some type of pay-off at the end here. I don’t know… the Saiyan Revolt on the whole struck me as a swing and a miss in this sense. There was next to no buildup in it, and then, when it happened, it didn’t really happen. In all frankness, I kind of feel like it was meaningless fluff added in to increase connection to the special.
  • Ledas’ personality duality is, well, a bit too underdeveloped. We only get two glimpses of his dual personality in the story; when he fights the mercenaries and when he attacks the alien technician. If you had shown this “mean” side a bit more, the part where he attacked the Saiyan technician would have seemed much more realistic to me.

Closing comments: I think this is the perfect example of a story that shows innumerable signs of talent, but is still a bit rough around the edges. In later sagas, KidVegeta would work these kinks out; in this saga, however, Ledas’s personality could’ve been pulled off a bit more skillfully and some of the dialog is just not quite as good as it could be. It still is better than 95% of what is on the site, although it is far from the best. I wouldn’t even say it’s the best saga of TF. {C {C}Rating: A

Outbreak: Paved in Blood

Pros

  • I much like how the Council has complete control over the city. It really gives off a vibe of communism, and I really do like that.
  • It’s cool how the Benefactor helps the town to gain their rights. It’s a side of him we don’t commonly see and it’s interesting to see.
  • I like how the town gradually comes to revolt.
  • I really like how TB’s name was explained.

Cons

  • The story feels a bit rushed. The Elder accepts TB into his home far too quickly, and from there the events move along far too fast.
  • I don’t know what it is exactly… something about the dialog between The Elder and The Benefactor feels off. It’s either rushed, clichéd, or simply uncomfortable.
  • You start many conversations and then never conclude them. It’s as if you never wanted to follow through on the conversations that you yourself start.
  • Your transitions are horrible here. The story is very choppy and has almost no coherency.
  • For a guy who hates political themes as much as KidVegeta, the political themes here are very overt. It hits its worse when a councilor calls the political system democratic and TB says, “it still doesn’t hide the fact that it’s bull****.”
  • The Benefactor comes very quickly, almost too quickly, to the idea of killing the Councilors.
  • Honestly, the idea of The Benefactor killing people by the hundreds just because he could is an example of poor story choices.
  • A very hackneyed inclusion of Zarbon, Dodoria, and Frieza.

Closing Comments: The flaw of this special is something that you will find in no con above. It is something that should have happened, but, simply put, did not. Throughout this special, we find out nothing about The Benefactor. We do not find out why he killed, other than that “I was stronger so I did”. We do not find out much about his childhood. We do not find out about his family, his intentions, his motivations. The only thing this explains is how he comes to be under the reign of Frieza; even this felt tacked on. You can explain this by saying that this story’s intentions were to draw parallels, not to explain a backstory. However, even these parallels felt indirect and weak. Sure, both Ledas and The Benefactor killed people as children, and sure, both of them were powerful, but what other parallels are there to be seen? It is, for the most part, completely and totally covered in pure mediocrity. However, the numerous faults in the fanon bring it to below average quality. This special, on the whole, may be the weakest part of The Forgotten.

Final rating: C

Lauto Saga

Pros

  • I really like the part where Ledas announces himself to be a super elite, yet they shoot such claims down, calling them meaningless. It really shows how little Ledas actually knows and how he has to adapt to a new area.
  • I really like the dialog in the opening fight scene. Really masterfully done.
  • You do a much better job with Ledas’ characterization here. We get to see a more bitter, ruthless, mean side of him in this saga.
  • I much like the scene where Ledas is forced to attack the natives. It’s really cool how they’re forcing him to act in a way that’s uncomfortable to him.
  • I much like the inclusion of flashbacks into the story.
  • The dialog between Guva and Banas is incredible. I think that their relationship might be my favorite of any two characters in the fanon.
  • The scene in Lauto’s cave is truly fantastic. Seeing the emotional turmoil of Ledas in there is truly one of the reasons that this fanon is a premier fanon on the site.
  • I really liked the part where Ledas found his old scouter and remembered his father. It’s those types of character development scenes, which show Ledas moving on from being a child, that make this fanon truly special.
  • The scene where Aprido saw Ledas go Semi-Super Saiyan was hilarious.
  • It’s cool how you included some references/thematics to the African slave trade in the story.
  • The part where Banas helped Guva up was one of the few instances where the flashbacks were actually helpful. I think that was a cool bit of development for their relationship.
  • Haha… the scene where Ledas got drunk on the flower was great.
  • Ledas’ ascension to Super Saiyan is perhaps the best one I have seen on the site. It manages to be logical without being clichéd; and it manages to be emotional without being nonsensical.
  • Payar’s death at the hands of the natives was a great, ironic death. Yet another highlight of the saga.

Cons

  • You could really swear a little bit less. I’m not adverse to the idea of swearing inherently, but you swear superfluously earlier on. This goes away later on, of course.
  • Ledas seems a bit too strong in this saga. His jump from 11,000 to 15,000 is a bit too much for such a small Zenkai. I mean, a jump of 4,000 is about what Vegeta got when he was beaten to death by the Z Fighter, and all that Ledas did was bump his head…
  • I personally don’t see the reasoning behind PC92 and PC96 fighting.
  • You spontaneously introduce characters without giving them a proper introduction. With Guva, for instance, you don’t explain his role before bringing in him; it’d be nice if you could give them a clearer introduction.
  • While I like the scene where Ledas is forced to attack the natives, I think the dialog in that segment is very weak. It just doesn’t seem realistic for any of the characters to say what they say.
  • I don’t see why it’s necessary for Ledas and Meloon to fight twice. It’d be more interesting for Ledas to fight someone else the second time around.
  • In the second fight between PC92 and the PC96 soldier the dialog is very plain and clichéd. It’s also kind of hard to follow.
  • It’s scenes like the first fight between the captain of PC96 and Banas that really hold the fanon back. It has no plot progression, little characterization, and could be taken out with no impact. These types of scenes could either be condensed or wholly removed.
  • The conversation between Ledas and Lauto made next to no sense. Ledas saying “I can never understand you” doesn’t make sense in the context because, well, they just met. Lauto is just babbling, which I dislike.
  • I’m not much a fan of Lauto on the whole. You never explain what he is, why he does what he does, or even what he’s doing on PC92. I mean, you should really give some background on him, especially if you plan to name the saga after him.
  • Ledas randomly announcing that he had to “kill them all” is very OOC for him. You don’t explain why he announces this, meaning that I have no idea why it came up. He also never follows through on it for quite some time.
  • … why is Ledas taking his angst out on Meloon, of all people?
  • “Banas: Mmmm… and Guva isn’t here to stop you.”
  • Ledas’ sudden morality in regards to the lives of the natives is both out of place and OOC. He has continued to kill without remorse or morality for the entire duration of the fanon, so this sudden sainthood is absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea why it would be added so randomly.
  • Banas could serve to use his razor blasts a bit less. Is that like the only move he knows?
  • It seems like Banas and the others leave the stadium too quickly. They should’ve checked to make sure that Ledas was dead before just filing out like that.
  • I don’t see the relevance of the Guva/Banas flashbacks. Considering that they don’t play a part in the actual plot, imo, they could easily be cut with no impact on anything. Guva and Banas are already very well developed characters otherwise, so I don’t think it adds to them very much.
  • There’s quite a few typos throughout the story. It’s gotten to the point where it’s disrupting the flow of the reading. You really need to proofread this saga more carefully.
  • Please stop it with the random and downright indecipherable The Benefactor dialog. Much thanks!
  • The flashbacks happen at far too random times. Immediately after being faced down by Super Saiyan Ledas, Guva has a flashback. If there was ever a time to have a flashback, it’s definitely not in the middle of a fight with someone far stronger than you.
  • On the whole, the characters aren’t as strong in this saga as in the others. While Guva, Banas, and Ledas were extremely well done, I think every supporting character was a bit underdeveloped. Payar, Lieme, Aprido, Meloon, Lauto – every one of them could have been a bit more rounded out, especially considering their vast importance.

Closing Comments: Consider this to be the TF equivalent of The Mrovian Trilogy (although it is much better). The story is highly expansive, with lots of cool fights and more than enough characters. However, the plot is not quite as tight as the others and the characters are not quite as well made. I think that if the story was a bit more condensed it would be much better, as much of the bad stuff would be pushed out and the great content would be more packed together and obvious. As it stands, though, I would consider this the single worst saga of The Forgotten.

Rating: A-


Planet Earth Saga

Pros

  • The first scene between Guva and Banas was absolutely brilliant. I think that the dialog and characterization in that segment was simply stellar.
  • I quite liked the Ledas/Fanshi interactions. I think that Ledas’ character is at its best when he is forced to adapt to something he is not used to, which happens quite often; the aforementioned scenes are a perfect example of these.
  • Using the city as a setting is a nice choice that is contrary to the usual setting of a distant planet/barren wasteland. It allows you to expand on Ledas’ character in ways not possible elsewhere.
  • The idea of Ledas being unable to visit Vegeta because he is so much weaker than him is a wonderful plot point. I think it works quite well in allowing for plot progression elsewhere, rather than the entire plot being centered on him finding Vegeta.
  • I quite like the scene where Ledas stole the panties from the girl. The fact that this served as a tip to the other Z Fighters only makes the scene that much better.
  • The fight scene between Ledas and Vegeta was an interesting insight into their relationship.
  • Ryori and Shoekki have a very interesting, dynamic relationship. I think that their forced acceptance of one another is something that very few could pull off well.
  • The whole plot of the Saiyans being perceived as dangerous aliens to the government is really stupendous. It strikes a chord of contrast between reality and surreality that I love.
  • I quite liked the fight scene between Piccolo and Ledas.
  • The scene between Yajirobe and Korin was lovely. The dialog there was fantastic.
  • The dialog between Kindler and Dewberry was, well, hilarious.
  • Honestly, the entire chapter of “Korin Tower” was a fantastic chapter. Perhaps my favorite chapter of TF.
  • I very much enjoyed the death scene of Banas. Guva’s line of “Don’t wait up” may be my favorite in TF (not to mention the brilliant Star Trek reference).
  • Shoekki’s emotional turmoil about Ryori is one of the few points in this saga that is genuinely touching.
  • The subtle references to Buu throughout are quite nice.
  • I’d say that the characters in this saga are definitely at their best. Each and every character, important or not, is well developed. Ryori, Shoekki, File, Cardinal, even Ms. Fanshi. Every character in this saga is strong.
  • The dialog is probably at its best in this saga. There were no instances where the dialog was actually weak, in my opinion.

Cons

  • I don’t understand why Ledas destroyed the cliff.
  • Was Layeeck a ghost or just a vision? It’s very confusing here.
  • Ledas’ attitude with the punks is a bit strange here. You would expect him to treat the street people the same way as the natives on PC92, but instead he just punches them away all cruel and whatnot. He’s a bit inconsistent as a character here.
  • I think that Fanshi would be a bit more suspicious of Ledas’ complete lack of any civilized human behavior. She might ask where he came from or something.
  • There needs to be a better explanation for Dr. Briefs talking to Ledas like that. I mean, Briefs is a CEO of a huge company, so he’s clearly a very important character in Dragon World. I doubt he would take time out of his day to talk to a random 12 year old boy.
  • When Bulma mentioned Vegeta, Ledas should have had some type of reaction. That’s very significant news to a little boy like him.
  • The government would really have more pull on deciding Cardinal’s plan. They could easily throw him and his associates in jail if he threatened to do something they were not okay with. They would not just say “oh well we can’t do anything do whatever you want”.
  • You seem to leave out commas in this saga. It’s a bit hard to explain, but in places where there definitely should be commas there simply are no commas. “Yeah I am pretty smart.” “I don’t know but it’s probably important.” “Hey I heard that.”
  • The story is a bit choppy in coherency here. It’s very difficult to keep track of Ledas throughout the saga, especially near the end.
  • How did Cardinal know about File’s demise?
  • Overall, I’d say that this saga has the least emotional substance of any of the sagas. While the other sagas were able to evoke emotional reactions from the smallest of events, like Ledas looking at his old scouter, this saga didn’t do that quite as well. The first 9 or 10 chapters, while still very good, had little emotion present. This was more or less rectified in the last few chapters, which had some of the most tearjerking moments of any of the sagas, up until that point it was more or less just fun without very much emotion.

Closing comments: Almost everything in this saga is at its best. The plot is tight, the characters are very well-made, the dialog is consistently excellent. It manages to fix most of the problems with the prior sagas; it’s not rough around the edges like PES, it’s not pointless like Outbreak, it’s not excessively long like LS. However, while the other sagas succeeded at this, this saga simply could not muster the same level of emotional content as the rest. With this saga, it’s not a problem of not establishing a tone, but instead the fact that the mood here is minimal. This saga simply does not go to the heart like the others. However, the pros here really overcome the cons. The story is funny, playful, well characterized, and narratively excellent. It is, regardless of the cons, the best saga of The Forgotten. It’s not even close, really.

Rating: X-

Reunion Saga

Pros

  • I liked the meta-reference to my accusations of Ledas being a Gary-Stu.
  • The scene between Dewberry and Guva was absolutely hilarious.
  • The scene after Ledas’s gunshot to the head was very well done. I especially liked his Layeeck hallucinations.
  • The fights scenes are definitely at their best in this saga. The amount of detail and originality put into each and every fight is excellent.
  • Ryori’s unfamiliarity with death is a nice touch. It’s interesting to see the perspective of an outsider upon the Dragon Ball universe.
  • While I didn’t like the scene between The Benefactor and Frieza, it was nice to see how Frieza “removed him as a threat”. That was a nice tie-in to the early story.
  • The little bits of humor in the stage directions are a nice little addition.
  • The idea of Vegeta thinking Ledas to not be real is a good one, all things considered.

Cons

  • The dialog between Guva and Vegeta was just bad. It was completely unrealistic for anyone to say what those two said in that scene.
  • The entire sense of urgency that was found upon Guva’s arrival was completely lost in the succeeding events. Goku and Guva go to Korin Tower and Vegeta and Yamcha chit chat about Bulma. Adding in these types of scenes basically make it seem like nobody’s worried about Guva in the slightest. This is especially unnerving when you consider how he talked about how he was going to cause a huge riot and whatnot.
  • Guva’s role in the saga doesn’t seem right at all. He was thrown in for virtually no purpose, instead just kind of being tacked on as a way of The Benefactor having a cool entrance. I would consider completely rethinking his role so that he actually plays a purpose, rather than him just being a punching bag for a few chapters. It is not proper closure for such a well-made character at all.
  • Guva calling Goku “mister boss man” is completely OOC for him. He’s not sarcastic like that ever.
  • Layeeck’s emotional progression due to his father’s death felt rush and made little to no sense. In mere seconds he went from “I am sad about his death” to “Let’s burn his house down!” There was no indication that he was hiding his emotions either, so his whole psych there was just very confusing.
  • I didn’t like the scene between TB and Frieza very much at all. It seemed uncomfortable and was OOC for both TB and Frieza.
  • Please explain the relationship between Lauto and TB a little bit better. It’s impossible to know what either of them are talking about when their history is never shown in the slightest.
  • TB doesn’t care about any of the Z Fighters at all, as evidenced in FS. I don’t see why he would bother to stop Krillin from taking Yamcha away.
  • Chapter ten is like a big WTF. The Benefactor comes back, Ledas attacks Vegeta, Ryori chases after somebody, suddenly Ledas finds out again that TB is there, suddenly Tien attacks The Benefactor. None of it is even comprehensible. It’s so muddled by the lack of dialogue that we are left without a clue as to what is happening.
  • You state Krillin to be injured and unable to fight in the prior chapter… and then in the next chapter you state him to be a-okay to fight.
  • Goku using the Spirit Bomb like that was just a very bad plot point. He only uses that as a last resort, in desperate situations against people he couldn’t beat otherwise; TB doesn’t really classify as that. He surely could have taken him out by less drastic means. The SB here feels very forced.

Closing Comments: This is a saga that doesn’t feel like a saga at all. It feels like a long, dramatic lead-up to the next saga; indeed, it serves mainly to tie up old loose ends and establish TB as the new villain. We have 3 chapters of just fighting between misc. characters and Guva and then 2 chapters of flashbacks. After this, the actual plot begins… but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere. In the end, we’re left without any sort of satisfaction from this saga at all.

However, that’s not to say that everything is bad. No, that’s not true at all. In the opening 6 chapters, we’re treated to great dialog, funny scenes, and fantastic fights. After these opening moments of glory, we’re treated to six chapters that are primarily just average. I would truthfully give most of these chapters a B or a B-, with some of it even dropping down to a C or a D. While there are still some good moments near the end, none of these good moments are cohesive enough to actually evoke joy from the reader.

In the end, this is really all any of us could ask for. It is fitting as the penultimate saga, as it does quite a bit to lead up to the final saga and has some memorable moments. When I consider all things fully, this saga is only a bit better than Lauto Saga. It’s not the worst on the site. It’s not the worst in the series. But it is also far from the best.

Rating: A-

Forever Alone

Pros

  • The opening court scene was of very high quality.
  • I like your description of the Kai world. Very vivid and strangely believable.
  • The seeming Sci-Fi twist to this special is an excellent one. The style here is really enhanced; I especially like how the attacks are atypical to the Dragon Ball universe and have a whole different feel to them.
  • The story’s description is absolutely incredible. It’s very easy to tell what is going on and everything’s imagery is just exceptional.
  • It’s the little things, like how the word practice seem foreign to the Kai, that make this special, well, special.
  • It’s quite nice how you venture to explain both Verlate’s backstory and how the Kais came into power.
  • I really like how this ties into the actual story of TF, what with Verlate learning about riddles and making all the stone pillars. That was really quite clever.

Cons

  • I would have liked for some elaboration on how Verlate managed to peg the Kai with the memory chip. I don’t personally much like it when you just gloss over events like that.
  • It would have been nice if you named more of the characters. The action-oriented scenes are super confusing because of it, with all of their pronouns and whatnot.
  • I think that Verlate’s attitude in regards to morality is somewhat inconsistent throughout the special. She adopts the truism of “we are not gods” far too quickly after the Kai says it to her. I know she would have been feeling guilty, but I think that her guilt was not shown well enough to properly explain her change in personality.
  • Korin was fairly OOC in his dialog. He was a bit too enthusiastic. I know that his character was a lot younger in that scene, but I don’t personally think that age would have such a profound impact on his basic character. I also think that it could have paved way to much funnier and more interesting dialog if Korin was his normal, wise-crack self.
  • I think that a bit of potential was lost in the last part, in that we never find out how the mind chamber got to Earth. That could have been a most fascinating tale.

Closing Comments: This special was a huge success. It really was. It manages to have an interesting, cohesive plot while explaining numerous concepts in both TF and Dragon Ball. The writing was splendid, as was the detail and pacing. There were honestly no major flaws in this special, but, when all is said and done, I still think that PES was marginally better. Regardless, this was an excellent read and wonderful fanon writing.

Rating: X-

Fulfillment Saga

Pros

  • The plot of using the Dragon Balls as a distraction was really a very interesting muse.
  • The subtle references to Cardinal being Airgead’s dad was an okay touch.
  • I also think the references to Airgead being Silver was a cool addition.
  • The inclusion of the Red Ribbon Army as a part of the plot is something unique that I have not really seen before, and definitely not with such directness.
  • Fights are generally creative and entertaining.
  • The scene on the tree was very good. I quite liked both the themes in the scene and the characterization for the Benefactor that is finally brought forth.
  • I quite liked Yajirobe’s role here. It’s nice to see somebody, for once, portray him as something other than a bumbling idiot who cannot fight.
  • I liked the part where Yajirobe threw the pyramid at them. I think that was a really accurate and believable representation of his character.
  • TB’s line about trying to change everything but being too small to do it was a good line.
  • I think that “Riddle Me This” is one of the best chapters in the story, aside from a few blemishes (which I will get into later).
  • Verlate is a great character. She’s definitely one of my favorites in the fanon. Something about her dialect and speech patterns really fascinates me.
  • I really like how the mind prison was tied into the special, Forever Alone; honestly, that was a brilliant decision on the whole.
  • I like how The Benefactor became a little bit more courteous toward Ledas near the end there. Simply put, when he called Ledas “buddy”, was willing to help him with his food, and actually addressed Ledas by his name, I felt for him more than I ever had before. It’s one of the few times that he, in my mind, seems like a real person.
  • The scene on Korin Tower was really, really good. I especially like the part where Ledas looks in the mirror. It shows how his own perspective upon how much he has changed since earlier in the story.
  • I sincerely liked the scene in Fanshi’s house. I think it portrayed a sense of maturity coupled with Ledas’ innocence that was a real shining moment in the fanon.
  • Ryori’s fanboy rant about Mr. Satan was really funny.
  • That final, last minute revelation of what the name referred to was absolutely brilliant. That’s one of my all-time favorite moments in the fanon for sure.
  • Overall, I’d have to say that the closer here is easily the best on the site. It’s one of the few that manages to shut the door without leaving the reader hungry for more. It’s always nice when an author manages to really satisfy you.
  • While they’re not particularly important, I think that both of the alternate endings are very funny pieces which are among the best comedy works on the site.

Cons

  • Goku was slightly OOC in his dialog. He was a bit too eloquent.
  • What are Goten and Trunks doing at Cardinal’s building? I don’t see why they’re there.
  • TB’s dialog while cutting up Ledas was just painful to read. I did not like it at all.
  • I simply do not understand what the first unknown voice is talking about. “I don’t want to talk. I want him to stop!” I just do not understand this.
  • I really would have liked more clarification on Airgead’s underground base. Much more clarification. The questions I would most like to be answered are: 1. Exactly why did everyone spontaneously kill eachother? 2. Why is it a failsafe for the city? How did that come to be?
  • How exactly did The Benefactor know about Airgead’s location and so much about Airgead in general? It doesn’t seem likely for TB to know about something like that.
  • Android 17 should not have been able to tell that TB was beating up 18. I know that he could easily sense TB, but there is no way that he would know that he was beating up 18 and then rush to the scene, because 18 cannot be sensed.
  • Trunks was OOC. He would never be one to stop Goten from fighting.
  • I have no idea why Airgead would be scared by the name of his own father.
  • I think that some of the fights don’t really need to be as long as they are. The Gotenks/TB fight, while an okay fight, really just drags on longer than it needs to. It takes up nigh half a chapter and does virtually nothing to progress the plot. If it were condensed a good bit I think it would be much better.
  • You dismiss the idea of Ledas and Vegeta fusing with no explanation. Krillin just says “’Fraid not, buddy” and that apparently makes the idea impossible. I’m not saying that I wanted that fusion to happen – I’m just saying you needed to explain why Krillin said no to the idea. I assume it’s due to the height difference or sommat.
  • Now, I do not know what TB is muttering about when it comes to all the stuff about the mouse and the cheese and the scientist and all that. However, I know this much: I hated it. It does not make for good reading when you have to stop and try to figure out what a character means when he says something. This isn’t just a matter of me not paying close enough attention to it, either; no, this is my second time reading this section of the story, and, both times that I read that part, I stopped and tried to figure it out for minutes. Neither times did I come to any type of conclusion or conjecture as to what he meant. I do not want to have to stop reading just to figure out what TB is talking about. I’m sure that there is some super deep meaning behind it that I am too simple to figure out, and I know it’s not gibberish, but I do not like it at all. I just do not like it, and that much is uncomprimisable.
  • As far as chapter 10 goes, no matter how much I may have liked it, I think that TB’s defeat was really not very good at all. While it wasn’t nearly as bad as, say, Guva’s defeat, I still think that his defeat was a bit anti-climactic and uneventful. I think that Ledas’ idea of “I’ll fly faster and make it out the hole first” was not a very good way to have TB be defeated. I would have preferred it if Ledas somehow used the environment or his own mind to snag a win.
  • Cardinal’s subplot could have been explained much better. Considering that he had such prejudice against the Saiyans, he should’ve just left Ledas on Earth to die back in PES. I also don’t see exactly why he messed around with Ryori in RS.

Closing comments: I admit to my own chagrin that I did not like the beginning of this saga much at all. At times it was average; at other times, it was below average. However, I think this saga was really turned around within the last few chapters, most of which were among my favorites on the wiki. The chapters “Riddle Me This” and “Simply Legendary part 2” were both S-rank quality chapters and I liked them very much. I think that once you manage to get past the grueling opening chapters and into the later chapters, you can find this to be a good fanon; granted, it’s barely good, but it’s still good. This saga’s not quite as good as Reunion Saga, but it is, in the end, better than Lauto Saga, even if only by a frog hair.

Rating: A-

Overall Rating

I have read many stories on this wiki. In fact, you can find most of them on this review blog. And, most generally speaking, I have not enjoyed these stories at all. Rare is the story that manages to scrounge up anything above an E-; and even then, it’s almost never higher than a C. Dragon Ball Z: The Forgotten is not one of these stories.

Sure, it has its low points. Outbreak was so bad that it’s not even worth so much as talking about it, as it will only make the rest of the review seem negative. Both Fulfillment Saga and Reunion Saga had their parts which made me want to vomit, and even Prince Vegeta Saga had its share of poor dialog. But – and I do not suggest simply overlooking these problems! – these imperfections are not so important when everything is looked at from the big picture.

In Prince Vegeta Saga, we’re treated to a delightful array of plot points and characters. Ledas and Vegeta manage to establish themselves as excellent main characters, while Layeeck and Frieza take their roles as secondary characters splendidly and are forced out of the fanon before even taking full form. In simple terms of plot, this one’s probably the lightest of all five sagas. However, it doesn’t pretend to have a huge plot, either. The characters manage to drive the story from mission to mission and from chapter to chapter, so, for perhaps the first time, we get to see a character-driven story. And it’s wonderful.

Of course, PVS has problems too. King Vegeta as a character is completely unrealistic and leaves much to be desired. Ledas is greatly underdeveloped too, in that we don’t get to see both sides of his personality consistently enough; when he suddenly attacks a Saiyan technician, we’re left to wonder where this meanness was in the rest of the saga. The answer is that it was nowhere to be found.

However, we still gasp when The Benefactor slaughters Layeeck, and we all find ourselves smiling when Vegeta finally takes Ledas in as a friend. It may have its problems throughout, but that’s not to say that it’s not full of emotion and wonderful dialog that leaves us begging for more.

Next up we get to read Lauto Saga. At 20 chapters, it’s easily the longest of all the sagas in terms of chapters, even if it is only number 2 in terms of length. In this saga, the story takes a more plot-driven aesthetic to it than in the prior saga, where we get caught up in the trials and tribulations of Planet Cooler 92. The entire story is basically the polar opposite of PVS in terms of tone and mood, but that’s not to say it’s the opposite in quality.

The plot in Lauto Saga is really quite good. You genuinely do become engaged in all of the affairs of Banas as he is forced out of captainship, even if we didn’t need all the flashbacks. It’s always intriguing to see Guva’s attempted genocide, and even interesting to see Payar teach Ledas how to sense for energy. The plot here, while not particularly tight or fast-paced, is still extensive enough to keep us entertained for the most part.

Some elements of Lauto Saga, once again, do not work. Ledas’ sudden morality with the locals is completely unrealistic for a killer like him, and Lauto’s inclusion on the whole was distasteful. Everything about the fights between PC96 and PC92 were unnecessary and forced and just do not need to be there. The biggest issue in the saga is the lack of character development for the supporting cast: Lauto is unexplained, Payar and Lieme are almost interchangeable, Meloon is just a rehashed Dodoria, and Aprido is just Appule. Considering how strong the characters usually are, this was really a dissapointment. However, despite all the fallacies, the pointlessness, and the let-downs, we eventually get to the point where Ledas is sent to Earth, and from there the best saga of TF begins.

PES is a fantastic saga. It manages to find just the right mix between characters, plot, and humor to create a truly fantastic saga. There are essentially two stories here; the story of Cardinal and Nagamo trying to find Ledas and the story of Ledas going to school and (almost) becoming a civilized human being. These two plots mesh together extraordinarily well, especially when you consider how they both come together at multiple points. The humor serves to lighten everything up, which assures that the story never becomes too boring or dull. KidVegeta manages to make a nearly incredible saga here by combining all his skills as a storyteller to make this wonderful fanon saga.

However, something simply had to give in making it. The simple problem is that there’s little to no emotion in here. The other sagas always managed to make you feel one way or the other about the events going on, but this saga doesn’t do that – maybe it’s because he wasn’t trying to, or maybe it’s because he couldn’t. I personally plead the former, but I do wish that a little more emotion was in this saga.

Reunion Saga has a fantastic beginning. All the opening chapters are great; I especially liked the opening chapters on Cardinal’s spaceship and the early fights with Guva. The dialog is very good in them, and the fights are just awe-inspiring. After that, the story does not work out quite as well, unfortunately, but there will still some good moments. Ryori’s character had some wonderful development and Vegeta and Ledas finally managed to spend some more time together, so it was not all bad.

Once TB arrives, though, the fanon goes down in quality quite a bit. Chapter 10 just did not make very much sense due to the overuse of stage directions, and Goku using the Spirit Bomb so suddenly is one of the poorest plot points in the fanon. We get to see TB interact with Lauto some more, but even this does little to explain who he is. I was also greatly disappointed by Guva’s role, as he basically just served as a punching bag for a few chapters. He needs an entirely new role for him to be passable.

I probably have the least to say about the second special, Forever Alone. It was a brilliant piece of work with excellent writing and pacing. I like how it ventured to explain so much, all the while having a cohesive plot and actually being a minor crossover. It worked very well and was as good, if not better, than most of the sagas.

FS starts off very badly. The Airgead-involved scenes are borderline unreadable, and I think that his parts need major surgery and remediation. Some of TB’s dialog does not make for very good reading, and, as such, I did not particularly enjoy his characterization in this saga, up until the end. About half-way through, though, the saga gets dramatically better.

Verlate’s appearance was one of the acts which really helped to turn the fanon around. She breathed fresh life into a slowly dying fanon, allowing it to retake form and get back to what it used to be. We get to see the plot take the sidelines after she comes along, instead allowing the characters to interact again, as the fanon always should have been. In the last 5 or so chapters, I had very few complaints; in fact, the ending chapter is among my favorite chapters on the wiki. Everything was in its right place at last.

I think that, much of the time, the fanon stopped being quite as good when it lost sight of what it really was. The fanon always was and always should have been about the characters; not about the fights, however good they may have been, not about the plot, however good it may have been, but about the characters. I think that when the characters were fully developed and were allowed to take the spotlight the story pretty much worked on its own. That’s why the finale worked so well; it didn’t have a plot. The characters were just together. And it was perfect.

I cannot say, though, that I liked all of the characters. Of all the characters, my least favorite was, sadly, the main villain. His problem wasn’t that he was a stupid character with no motivation or anything like that, but simply that we have no way to empathize with him. His character is so far out there, with all his many references and oddities, that we have no way of connecting with him more than superficially. It’s impossible to see the world from his mindset, as there are no footholds for us to take. Even with the most bizarre villains, like Hannibal Lecter, we at least share logic with him. We have the same rationale as him. With The Benefactor, we have nothing. Maybe that’s why I didn’t like him, or maybe I’m just a biased pig. We might never know.

In the end, I have to recommend this fanon to everyone who comes to this site. You can use a fanon like Tien: Origins to learn how to write a plot, and Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem to learn how to write eloquently and thematically, but, when all is said and done, this is the best source to use to learn about making characters. And so, I implore you to go read it now, not for the plot or for the fighting, but instead for the characters. And that’s all that needs to be said.

35 word summary: PVS is a fantastic start. Outbreak is redundant and pointless. LS is the plot-driven epic. PES is the sleeper hit. RS strangely turned for worse. FS only went up hill.

Final rating: A

Depiction in Red (re-review)

Pros

  • This fanon takes a serious look at a character who's usually just seen as comic relief. I like the deeper, emotional aspect this fanon takes on an otherwise two-dimensional character.
  • Beautiful writing. The writing is detailed, sensory, and gives a very romanticized view of something as morbid as cutting. The writing is at its peak with lines like "the slight coppery tang slid across her taste buds like the rarest of delicacies".
  • The contrast between ChiChi's emotional life and her maternal life is fascinating, really, and it shows a great deal about her character through a very simplistic exchange. It's the ability to show rather than tell that defines this story.

Cons

  • The story should have focussed a bit more on ChiChi's reasoning behind cutting herself rather than the cutting itself. That's where the angst should've come from, not from the gore and the razorblade.
  • The dialog between Gohan and ChiChi feels a bit rushed. It doesn't seem like ChiChi to just leave like that, and it would have helped for them to have a complete conversation that led to Gohan's closing sentiments.


Brief Summary: Depiction in Red is a masterfully written story that displays a very morbid act in a beautiful way. It shows strong characterization and powerful storytelling abilities. However, had the author fleshed out ChiChi's emotions more so than just her actions, it would have brought the story to a whole new level.

Rating: A

Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem (re-review)

Pros

  • Although this pro is not too relevant, the opening poem was excellent, even if you didn't write it.
  • Beautiful, crystal clear writing. Everything is written just perfectly; it flows well and the mechanics are fantastic. the grammar, spelling, vocabulary, it all just seems perfect.
  • Taking Buu's power away worked really well as a plot point. It's one of those plots that's both original and makes sense, and that's not too easy to find in Dragon Ball Fanon.
  • The way that Buu's character changes so dynamically is really great. It's an interesting character analysis to take away a character's primary trait (power) and show how he acts without it.
  • The whole part with the candy store, inluding the part where Buu threw a cake at Buu, was fantastic. It was a nice piece of character development and I really enjoyed the whole idea. Not every person would put in a part like that, and it was great that you did.
  • The relationship between Baba and Uub was nice to explore. Two completely unrelated characters being put together brought forth very nice results.
  • The whole part where Buu absorbed Uub was particularly excellently written.
  • Having Babidi resurge was a nice resolution to the story.
  • The poem at the end, in the shortest of words, served as an excellent example of what one can do with the english language. It is a brilliant piece of art.

Cons

  • You could have spent a few less paragraphs going over what happened in the finale and maybe given a bit more time to the new story. That would have been a tiny bit better.
  • "Babidi mouth agape, eyes tearing up, sputtered about." - I think there should be a comma after Babidi, so it would read "Babidi, mouth agape, eyes tearing up, sputtered about."
  • I'm not totally sure why the other villains of hell decided to attack Buu like that.
  • I don't understand why Baba would show Uub to Buu, especially since you imply that Yemma forbid her for doing so. There's no way it would yield a real upside to her.
  • The amount of time that passes between chapters 2 and 3 could be clearer. I understand that it was a few years, because Goku meets Uub, but that could have been slightly clearer. I also don't see why Baba would only come visit Buu several years later.
  • I still don't get why Yemma needed anyone to go down to hell. Also, "Powerful and hideous though they may be, any resident’s attempt at harm a living person would be a fruitless jest." - "harm" should be "harming".
  • "Many where there, Cell, Gero, Piccolo and even Frieza the cruel." - "where" should be "were"
  • "What happened to Baba? And Buu? Where did they go?”spoke up Yemma, sternly." - there should be a space after the quotation mark
  • Perhaps I am forgetting someone, but you say a half dozen formed around Buu, when you only tell of five - Vegeta, Gohan, Trunks, Goten, and the unnamed Saiyan.
  • Now that I've read further, I realize that it was Piccolo, but you didn't mention that he was there earlier.

Closing Comments: I, sad to say, didn't have enough to say about In Requiem. My cons were rather small and I think that the story is perhaps one of the best fanons out there. I truly enjoyed it and think that it was an excellently written, brilliantly plotted fanon. It is truly a fantastic piece of writing.

Rating: A+

Tien: Origins (self-review)

Pros

  • Well written. The vocabulary is well placed and the grammar and spelling are good.
  • A good hook and a good beginning in general. It's an interesting way to start out the story, what with Shen showing up to explain Tien's origin. It flows well enough.
  • Description is good. Everything is shown pretty vividly and sensory imaging is good.
  • I like how you switched between different types of writing. It flows well enough.
  • The humor sprinkled throughout the story works pretty well. It's a nice touch.
  • Yamcha's long, lovesick monologues about Bulma is rather funny and works well enough as a plot point. It's also quite funny.
  • The discourse between Yamcha and Tien is spectacular. The personality contrast is fantastic.
  • Kordar's character works well. He has a good bit of character to him and his dialogue is colorful.
  • Plot flows along very well. Nothing seems contrived/pointless, and it moves along quickly and very well.
  • I enjoyed the poem in the fourth chapter. Well written.
  • I like how scarcely you used fanon characters in the story. Most of the characters are canon, and those that are fanon are well established and colored in, so to speak.
  • The scope of the final battle is fantastic. It's really impressive, how apt Destructivedisk was at describing such a large fight scene.
  • The fight scenes are fantastic! I really like how well executed and detailed, and it really concludes the story well.
  • Overall, the story really picks up near the end. The final scene is one of the best I have ever read, and Tien's noble sacrifice makes the story that much more gratifying. The final scene basically makes the entire story more readable.
  • While it's far from perfect, the final poem is satisfying and pretty well written.

Cons

  • Sentences tend to be a bit long/awkwardly worded. Sentences like "He trained to make his students kill, which is what he did precisely when it came time to train Tien and Chaozu." are a bit hard to read.
  • Dialogue is far from the best. Tien speaks far too elegantly, and Master Shen speaks a bit too wordily.
  • Tien's dialogue is just off in entirety.
  • Some of the adjectives seem out of place, such as "preposterously deafening".
  • Occasional grammar mistakes, like " Upon turning their heads in the direction of the disturbance, they it to be their ticket off the planet; a spaceship." I still understand what you mean, but they do come up occasionally.
  • Yamcha's monologue is inconsistent. Some parts are good for a drunken man, and other parts are too elegant.
  • If you are going to show the perspectives of different characters, it would make sense to have shown Shen's perspective. That would have been really helpful to setting up the story's premise.
  • There should have been an explanation for Yamcha to join Kordar's army.
  • The themes of discrimination are a bit too overt. Kordar talks about Thricers being weak a bit too often.
  • The conversation between Tien, Yamcha, and Kordar had no real conclusion to it. You should have finished the sequence and provided a proper ending to their jaw session.
  • Chiaotzu was a bit too eager too fight. That was rather out of character for him.
  • There's a few inconsistencies in the story; notably, you mention that at one point that Saiyans were stronger than Bekks, but you later say that the two are equal. Secondly, you mention that Chiaotzu inspired Saiyan inspired Saiyan religion for hundreds of years, but earlier you stated that they were sent only 100 years into the past.
  • The fight between Jimac and Yamcha should have been more detailed. I mean, it worked fine as it was, but it could have been longer or more detailed and that would have made it better.
  • The transformation to Super Saiyan is one of the worst I have seen before. I mean, it had no purpose to it whatsoever. I know that you were referencing the what-if sequence between Yajirobe and Vegeta, but it still came out of virtually nowhere.
  • I'm guessing that you meant to put the story 1000 years in the past? It was confusing, because you wrote 100 way earlier. That really needs to be fixed.
  • Some of the rhyming in the concluding poem seems forced.

Closing Comments: This story pulls off a lot of things very well that I wouldn't have expected to work. The crossover is fantastic and the time travel is just fantastically pulled off. The whole idea of Tien fighting the Original Super Saiyan, only for Yamcha to take a baby Tien to Shen's place is just great, what with the cyclical nature of Tien's life being explained very well. I also like the irony about Tien giving himself the third eye. However, a few aspects of the story just didn't work. The dialogue and characterization was shoddy at parts and the Super Saiyan transformation was just bad. Overall, though, Tien: Origins is a story that quickly and swiftly tells an epic story with only a few problems along the way. It is, along with In Requiem, one of my favorite fanons.

Rating: A+

Dragonball V

Pros

  • None.

Cons

  • First of all, the premise makes absolutely no sense. They would not send an elite to a planet like Earth. There was a reason they sent Goku there; Earth was so weak that they would not need anything more than a low class saiyan. They would not send an elite, let alone a prince, to a weak planet like Earth.
  • The title "Planet Earth Saga" was used in The Forgotten. Please come up with something original, thanks.
  • How the hell does Vegeta understand english at the age of 1? That doesn't make any sense. He would learn nothing from a Space Pod telling him how to use Ki. He would need to, you know, practice Ki for a little while before doing Galick Guns and whatnot.
  • "The Saiyan Energy Drainer"? What the hell? Strange that Vegeta never used that move in canon, because most Saiyans evidently learned it at the age of 1.
  • He's flying at age 1 and destroying cities at age 1 and killing martial arts masters at age 1. Forget martial arts training, practice, wisdom, fighting skill, everything. A fucking baby can do that better than everyone else on earth, who have trained in disciplined martial arts for years. That's a great plot point. Way to make the story believable.
  • Roshi's first person speech was awful.
  • A terrible fight scene with Roshi.
  • How does it take 5 months to destroy the planet? He was destroying entire cities in like seconds. That doesn't make any sense.
  • He decides to train by killling... animals? Animals? ANIMALS? How could that give anyone training? He just destroyed entire cities! That doesn't make any sense!
  • Oh come on, finding King Piccolo was a contrived, pointless piece of crap.
  • Oh, more first person. Nice.
  • "Vegeta says" I did, you weird jerk."" Easily some of the worst dialogue I have ever read. Oh, and where did he learn to talk, again? Yet another thing that most 1 year olds don't do!
  • A stupid fight scene with King Piccolo. Nothing but energy beams being fired back and forth. That's not entertaining to read at all.
  • Why is Piccolo calling Vegeta a Saiyan when he doesn't even know what one is? That's ridiculous.
  • Please never write dialogue again. Everything they say sounds like some poor, 12 year old, Vegeta fanboy's pathetic attempt to write dialogue for him - oh wait.
  • He would not be able to go Great Ape inside a stomach. He would need to see the full moon to transform, not a collection of green organs.
  • He grew twice as strong by fighting animals for a couple of years. That's cool.
  • Why in hell are Bardock and King Vegeta alive? Please at least try to explain these things. It would take like 15 words to explain.
  • "The Saiyans that arrive to get him are: Nappa, Bardock, Turles, and King Vegeta." I can't begin to describe all the things that are wrong with that, so I won't. But in the simplest of terms, Nappa and King Vegeta would not be around low class saiyans like Bardock and Turles under any circumstance. And King Vegeta and Nappa would not both leave their planet for just a simple retrieval mission; I'd imagine that would be grunt work.
  • More stupid fight scenes.
  • More bad dialogue.
  • More stuff that doesn't make any sense.
  • Best as I can tell, Kid Vegeta just destroyed everything with his Big Bang Storm or whatever, so I doubt he would stop and take Sensu Beans from Korin. I also don't see how he would know what Sensu Beans are.
  • So he almost kills Nappa at the age of 3 and a half.
  • You have no idea how Power Levels work. King Piccolo's power level was about 260, and Kid Vegeta barely beat him, so let's say he was at 270. You then say he trained for a while and doubled his power. This would put him at maybe 540. You go on to give him a power level of 4520. That makes no sense. It is pathetic fanboyism and nothing else. At least try to be consistent.
  • How many times is he going to eat Sensu Beans? That's stupid. It makes the fights completely inconsequential.
  • So he knocks Bardock out. He is 3 and a half years old. His power level is 4520. He does it with one attack. That does not make any sense. Bardock's power level was like 10,000, so did he not get any Zenkais this time around? Please try to explain these things, because they simply do not make sense.
  • The spacing here is awful. Try to space out your documents like a normal user.

Closing Comments: This story does not make sense. It is an awful conglomeration of bad ideas and stupid plot points. There is no explanation, there is no development, there is no point. It is just a stupid, bad, idiotic piece of junk. I do not like it at all and it needs the nonsense template immediately. There is nothing good about this story. It is a worthless piece of nonsense that should not exist.

Grade: F-

Vegeta's Back Rap

Pros

  • The story entertained me considerably more than I thought it would.

Cons

  • Woah, slow down first. Give us a time frame. What does it mean when you say that Vegeta's back? Was he ever gone?
  • Giving us a beat to go in the background would be greatly helpful to understand the rap. If you don't want to do that, you could at least give a time scheme, like 4/4 or 9/4 or something.
  • "Now I’m next level SSJ Majin" is complete nonsense. It doesn't even rhyme with anything, either.
  • Since this is a rap song, you should probably make use of wordplay on a greater scale. Instead of just saying, "I'm the greatest", you could say "I'm the king, Lebron James style" or something. It will make the rap much more entertaining on the whole.
  • I'm assuming that this rap is based on a different rap? I'm reading it to the tune of one of Eminem's raps, because they're the only raps I know the beat to. Again, giving the original song would not only be helpful but also make sure that the reader is reading the rap correctly.
  • "Even when I was a kid,
    I was badass
    This fight will be your last
    I am the Prince of all Saiyans
    I am bound to win" is easily the worst stanza in the entire rap. If you want to improve the flow of the rap, you should use contractions; "I'm the Prince of all Saiyans, I'm bound to win" sounds much better than what you wrote.
  • Again, timeframe would be important here. If this is early DBZ, Vegeta wouldn't be terribly out of character, but if it's late DBZ or GT he's just really out of character altogether.
  • "I will kill thee

I am Super Saiyana" is easily the worst couplet in the rap.

  • Wait, is this supposed to be Majin Vegeta? It would be great if you could mention that in more than just the refrain. That was really confusing.
  • You could just say "My powering up" instead of "My up powering". It doesn't rhyme regardless.

Closing Comments: My biggest complaint is that the rap suffers from a severe lack of character and flow. There is basically no personality to the rap whatsoever, it's just "I'm Vegeta and Imma kill you". Furthermore, the rap simply does not flow and there is no consistent rhythm to any of it. This would be improved if you gave us some type of backing beat or even another song to base it off of. Furthermore, any type of time frame would be extremely helpful, as I didn't even realize it was supposed to be Majin Vegeta until the end. I know you made reference to Majin SSJ early on, but I just kind of assumed you were spewing off nonsense when you wrote that. It didn't seem definitive at all. However, with a few small exceptions, the rhyming seemed pretty smooth and that was the only reason I found any enjoyment in the story. While the rap was never clever, it was at least solid and the rhyming seemed pretty average,

Rating: F

Bardock the King

Pros

  • Well written story. Some parts are written much better than others, but you have a fairly good grasp of how to write a readable story.
  • Bardock going to Hell is pulled off well enough. Everything feels realistic and like it could have happened.

Cons

  • Very abrupt shift between his death and waiting in line at the check-in station.
  • Absolutely no build-up to Bardock's question of "why did I kill so many people?" These are realizations which should come much later in the story, not before Bardock even gets to Hell.
  • "If only he had killed Frieza when he could." - Terribly written, terrible sentence. He never could have killed Frieza. That was never within the realm of possibility.
  • Seriously, go open up a book. Read the second paragraph of that book. Does the main character come to profound realizations about life in any of those second paragraphs? No. You wait until the end of the story for the protagonist to come to profound realizations. The first few paragraphs, at least, should be used for exposition - to set up the story and whatnot. Don't include a million confused, jumbled themes within the second paragraph, It robs them of any meaning they could have.
  • If I remember correctly, Bardock's visions never showed him that he was going to die at the hands of Frieza.
  • Don't start with the introspection in the third paragraph, either. Move the plot along.
  • Occasional spelling errors, such as "mercyless" rather than "merciless" or "breif" instead of "brief".
  • Bardock wanted to take his smirk and tear it off? What the hell does that even mean? When was he smirking?
  • Bardock doesn't seem like the type to simply supress his rage. I mean, he flung himself at the most powerful being in the universe without much hesitation. At this point, maiming a few souls wouldn't make much of a difference regardless. He shouldn't have learned self-control four paragraphs into a story. It's called character development, and it occurs over chapters, not within the first chapter.
  • Getting sent to hell should not have been a slap to the face. It shouldn't have surprised him at all. the entire chapter before it was just Bardock talking about how he was going to be sent to Hell.
  • With dialogue, be sure to use commas. Quotation punctuation is a bit too complicated to explain here, but you can look it up online.
  • The quality of the dialogue fluctuates. Bardock is written okay, but King Vegeta saying "I'm all ears" is atrociously OOC.
  • Bardock actually saw visions of his son defeating Frieza. That shouldn't be changed based on what King Vegeta says. His visions were actual psychic visions given to him by a psychic race.
  • "Perhaps, he was destined to kill Frieza, or perhaps not." Yeah, those kind of are the only two options. It was rather pointless to put that in there.
  • The poem at the end of chapter two doesn't make much sense in the context of the Dragon Ball universe. Obviously, the tide of time already flowed in that universe, seeing as to how all of Bardock's visions did come true. It's also unclear whose perspective the poems come from.
  • This fight scene doesn't make any sense. Why are Frieza's minions attacking Bardock and King Vegeta? Frieza killed them, not Bardock. Furthermore, considering the 90 or so epiphanies Bardock's had since getting to Hell, he shouldn't be so brutal.
  • Bardock killing a random troop doesn't make any sense. He was just going on and on about how mean it was of him to kill. Bardock shouldn't start killing again the next chapter, with no explanation.
  • Why is Bardock fighting the enemies one at a time? He could take out hundreds in one blast. This whole thing is much too elaborate.
  • No plot progression whatsoever in chapter 3, just random fighting.

Closing Comments: Bardock the King dreams of being deep. It dreams of having a purpose and being well written. It is none of those things. It is merely a collection of fragmented ideas with no real plot. In three chapters, you should be able to accomplish an awful lot. However, in Bardock the King, there is no figment of a plot beginning to form. It is just a collection of badly formed ideas without any sense of buildup. The story does not feel coherent and does not flow. The characters are very grey and uninteresting and there isn't much going on. I didn't enjoy the story much at all.

Rating: D-




To Be Reviewed

Miscellaneous Thoughts

  • My favorite story so far is Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem. My least favorite story is DragonBall Z: The Revenge Saga.
  • Many plots have nothing but fights, which is strange because the fights themselves are usually fairly lackluster and boring.
  • Most bad fanons have one thing in them that is the Achilles Heel of the fanon, be it plot, mechanics, or even poor paragraph separation. Most of the time, one area of the fanon will be so horrible that it brings the rest of the fanon down in quality drastically.
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