Creeperman129 Reviews

(Wow, it's a blog now)

This article, Creeperman129/Creeperman129 Reviews, is the property of Creeperman129.

This page, Creeperman129 Reviews, was a recipient of the official 2016 Dragon Ball Fanon Wiki award for “Best One-shots”. Great job!

Now you may be thinking, "Aw, another reviewer? His reviews will be extremely boring!" Yes. I used to have this be more creative, but it didn't really add much and merely made stories a competition when they shouldn't be. Now they'll be more normal though lol.

Notes

-Most stories asked by request will possibly be taken care of. I am a very inconsistent and lazy person, so don't expect me to do things quickly, if at all. I know this feels dumb to say, but I'm being absolutely bluntly honest.

-I do NOT try to offend the authors themselves. I am merely criticizing their stories/pages, and not them as people.

-Any power level comparisons with a person's story are used with their respective power level lists, power levels said in the story themselves or power levels dealing with the original story.

Plan to Review

-The New King Piccolo Saga (DBA) vs Resurrection 'F' (Shaymex) Phase 1 Part 1, Resurrection 'F' (Shaymex) Phase 1 Part 2 and Resurrection 'F' (Shaymex) Phase 2

-His Majesty's Pet (at least several chapters of it)

Review 1: Dragon Ball: Universe 1 

Dragon Ball: Universe 1

Pros

+Randik is actually a kinda cool name

+Sun Beam Attack is also a cool name

+An "Eh" cliffhanger at the end of Episode 1. Not good, but decent enough

+The author spelled "a lot" correctly...I'm surprised based on the amount of other spelling errors he has

+Giving Sam some friends was kinda neat. Although that doesn't mean anything in the end, as shown below...

+Neopolitian Dragon Balls sound kinda cool. Jeez, basically the only pros I'm giving this story is the names...

+The names of the moves the kids learn are coo-I'm just repeating myself now. But it's true!

+"Sam: Alex, your power level is 1,250. Alex: Woah. that's big. Sam: Randy your power level is 1,050. Randy: NICE.but I'm sad that Alex is stronger.":...Some character development? Very minor development, but I'll take what I can get.

+I like how Alex didn't assume Randik's gender and said both pronouns.

+Randik's attack names are also pretty good. The author should just name things for others. Instead of this...as I'll get to below

+"Alex: RANDYYYY! Alex: OKAY SAM I'M NEXT SAM: no dude, he's gonna destroy you like he did to randy. Alex: I DON'T CARE AHHHHHHH!": E-Emotion? Actual emotion? I can't believe it!

+"Sam: Actually Randik, you're next.": A kinda good line.

+I like how the Sun Beam Attack bended...but too bad...well you'll see down below.

+Karem's concept is cool...but in this kind of scenario...I'll get to that below

+Another "Eh" cliffhanger at the end of the second saga's episode 3

+"Fight For Safety Of Planet Zork, Karata VS Saiyan Samex": An actually decent episode title.

+"POOOF! Samex came back. Karata: But.. HOW! Eric: I wished them to become Samex Again!": You know...actually kinda clever...but still...

+"Sam: these 1. Xray Break 2. Speed Travel 3. Picture of Lies 4. Erase Of Enemies": Again, cool names, but...all of these pros usually have a con to them...and this is no exception. Trust me, I want it to be...

+"Samex: ok Eridy, yours is 15,750 Eridy: Samex, yours is 21,250 Samex: WHAT, NO WAY.": Ya know, those are actually pretty weak fusions...pro for not overpowering the strength of them.

+Now that I figured out what Xray Break actually does, it's pretty creative...but again...

+The best this story does are the names of the attacks and...that's basically it....it's sad...

Cons

-There is no point to put the ages the sagas take place in before the saga never even started. It, in fact, actually detracts from the reading because then we KNOW when it'll end, which gives very little tension. Ages are for wiki pages...wait...

-On the topic of ages, why does there need to be a dash to say, for instance "(Age 732- Age 732)"? If its just over the course of one year, just put it as "(Age 732)". Otherwise its just redundant.

-The spacing of the chapters shown from the contents box is just wonky, and not in a good way (obviously :P). It should just all start on the left side, or at least be centered

-"Proluge:" Prologue is spelled wrong

-"Sam is a 10 year old Zorkian that trains and saves the universe": For one, what's a Zorkian? You can't just introduce a new species without explaining it a little. Secondly, this isn't a prologue. Its a summary. And not a good one like "Romeo and Juliet". That had information which was interesting and made people want to find out what happened. This negates all tension straight from the start. We know Sam will end up ok. We know he'll beat every foe. Yes, the readers don't know HOW, but what's the point of reading it if you know what happens before you read it? Unless you read a story once before and then read it again because it was just THAT enticing.

-"This story takes place 5 years before Goku (Kakarot) was born in universe 7": Universe should be capitalized. Also, what's the point in stating the year Goku was born if he's in another universe and isn't relevant in the story at all?

-"Episode 1: Too much training": Jeez, there's a con every single sentence...ok. "much" and "training" should be capitalized

-"Sam wakes up on a clear sunny day on Zork. 'Time to see Dad at the Fields.' Sam said." : You thought I was kidding? Nope. So at the start of the story, I know nothing about the protagonist, nothing about the planet he lives on, nothing about where he lives, and confusion on whether he's sticking to past or present tense. And it's not like this stuff is really expanded upon later either. You're just supposed to know. It's like watching the Cell Saga before every other one. "Who's this 'Frieza' guy? What's a Super Saiyan? Red Ribbon? Who are all these characters? Why's that guy green?". Plus no one speaks like Sam just did...he just woke up...and said fields capitalized when it shouldn't :P.

-"At 12:00, Sam made it to his Dad. Okay son do a Sun Beam Attack on that tree."So  Sam hits the tree with the Sun Beam Attack and it destroyed not only tree but the forest too": Prepare for, like, 100 cons for the way this is going. I won't con for using Earth time. That's fine, since its recognizable. What isn't is why that time is said at all when we don't know what time Sam woke up at AND how a field doesn't have enough trees for a forest in it. And how there's only one quote around Dad's line...On that note, I would just be wasting time pointing out all of the spelling and grammar mistakes and just do cons on the story itself. Also, how/why does Sam know how to use ki? Why is he so strong? It's really like I'm watching the 10th episode of a series.

-"Hid dad use the scouter. Whoa.": There shouldn't be scouters on the planet. That's a Frieza Force thing. Not a "Zork" thing. This is ALSO just treated as a throwaway thing, like we already should know!

-"Your power level is... The episode ends here."- Wait, what? A-a single paragraph. A SINGLE PARAGRAPH. Unless in the anime series you add a BUNCH of filler of, you know, information we should know, this isn't an episode. This is a clip from an episode. And a short clip at that. Along with that, if a single blast counts as "Too much training", then how is Sam so strong if he needs to rest after doing a single blast?

-"What Sam doesn't know is that his  power level is the highest on Zork."- So somehow this kid is the strongest being on the planet. THE ENTIRE PLANET! Sure, Goku was strong enough to destroy a car at the very start of Dragon Ball, but compared to Master Roshi, he was nothing until he trained under him. There was also Nam, Giran, Mercenary Tao, King Piccolo...the list goes on. I find it impossible that Sam is the strongest. There has to be at least ONE adult stronger then him. And you can't just say "he's a prodigy" without SHOWING it.

-"'Son, do you have friends, son.'": Redundant much redundant? Also, this dad is a horrible parent if he doesn't even know if his son has friends.

-"'Why yes i have Marcus and Cody.' Sam said while being hungry.": Sam is way too formal, which is weird considering based on the hungry statement (which isn't elaborated on at all after stating it) and Sam asking if 1,000 is strong, this kid is a Goku clone. And we all know how Goku talks. And AGAIN with the characters I know nothing about but are expected to. Excuse me while I look up if I added a "0" to the end of my "1"...nope.

-"Well forget them, go into the world and look for friends who have close power levels like 600 or more. 'WHHHHYYYYYY' Sam Yelped. Because son..."- This last line. THIS. LAST. LINE. "Oh hey dad, can I hang out with my friends?"

"No. Instead, I want you to stop being friends with them and find new ones"

"But they're nice and everyone else bullies me! Why do I have to?"

"Because son..." 

You see my point here? Making your son give up everything "just cuz". It enrages me to no end. ANOTHER point is if Sam's dad doesn't know that Sam had friends, then HOW WOULD HE KNOW THEIR POWER LEVELS?! And that's where it ends! No rebuttal, no questions asked, Sam just does it! YTGYYVKJHFXJKKG. Also, A SINGLE PARAGRAPH!

-"Episode 3: New friends Alex and Randy": Spoilerz.

-"He found Alex, his power level is 650.": No mention of Sam having or even bringing a scouter to begin with

-"Sam said, 'wanna be best friends.' sam asked.": Am I being redundant much by saying redundant much redundant again?

-"'I will only if your power level is bigger that 700.' Alex said. 'My dad said my power level is 1,000.' Sam said. WHAT? Alex screamed. fine I will be your friend.": Sooo...apparently this planet has a culture similar to the Saiyans where their people are respected by how strong they are, but why's this Alex kid stronger then ALL ADULTS if their society is based on fighting? Even worse, Alex just believes Sam's story immediately. It could have been a lie, ya know. Or you could have magically gotten a scouter like everyone else so far.

-I don't know why Sam needs new friends, really. He already had two friends before. The author could've just made Marcus and Cody strong and not come up with Dad's stupid reason why. In fact, it SHOULD'VE because after this, Alex and Randy automatically treat him like a friend, after just meeting him. Granted, if he kept the old friends, they would've been introduced with no information about them, but everyone in this story has that so far, so this is nothing new.

-"So they went back to Sam's dad. Hey dad I'm back.": You may be asking why this sentence is here. Well...that's the end of the episode. Yeah! That's the cliffhanger! The next episode's first sentence is "Dad is nowhere to be seen"...WHY NOT USE THAT AS YOUR END? Also...ahem...A. SINGLE. PARAGRAPH! You all know it, so I'm not gunna show it (anymore :P)

-"Episode 4: Neopolitan Dragon Balls......": Way too many periods

-"Alex and Cody are with Sam.": Yeah, I read the last episode five seconds ago...

-"Sam told Alex and Cody to leave":...then what was the point of them going there in the first place?

-On a side note, this episode's sentence length is too short. Like, 6 word sentences for everything. It's weird.

-"Sam went to see the elder Hamo.": STOP MAKING CHARACTERS LIKE I SHOULD ALREADY KNOW THEM! So apparently this planet has an elder too? But it was established that rankings were based on strength...what's going on?

-"Hamo went on saying that the Neopolitan Dragon Balls are very powerful and that gives the person five wishes. Then the balls go around the world into Ice Cream Cones.'Wow, so that's why my dad is trying to get them.'Sam said.": I have many questions. Even though I didn't talk about it earlier because I wanted to get to this point to talk about them in general, why does this planet have Dragon Balls? That's a Universe 7 (and 6 if you stretch it) thing. They only exist in that universe. And why does Hamo know about them? If every adult on this planet knows about them, then why hasn't this planet been filled with war fighting for them? If not, then how did Sam's dad find out? And how is he able to track them? Why did he leave so suddenly after knowing his son left for a short time? Why do they grant five wishes? That's way too overpowered, especially considering that there's no threat stopping people from gathering them, if a random guy could try to do it. A-and finally...why do they turn into ice cream cones? That would make them Nepolitan Dragon Cones, since when wishes upon, the balls just turn into stone. Plus having them turn into ice cream cones is so incredibly stupid...

-"Sam began training again and started to learn new moves.": So apparently after becoming friends with two strangers and learning about the Neopolitan Dragon Balls, you can learn new moves after training for a short time...suuuure

-"Sam: SUN BEAM ATTACK!!!!!. It blew up the rest of the forest.": Back to sinning every sentence! Previously, it was stated that his blast already destroyed the entire forest (which I proved shouldn't be there in the first place), so he couldn't have destroyed the rest of it. And, again, shooting beams at trees isn't really training.

-"Alex: Hey Sam! there you are.": Oh hi Alex who suddenly teleported to Sam

-"Randy: Yeah we were getting a little scared.": You too Randy! But really, why would they be scared? They're still basically strangers. And Sam said nothing about going anywhere dangerous. And they know that he's strong enough to take care of himself with a power level of 1,000. This story makes no sense at all!

-"Sam: Did you guys bring your scouters? Alex & Randy: We sure did bro.": Again, no explanation for scouters, but more importantly, why did they bring scouters if they didn't know Sam would be there? Wait...why didn't they just use their scouters to see if he was safe?! This story is just filled with dumb throwaway lines that bring up tons of questions.

-"SO they trained and trained really hard until they learned three new moves that are great. Move 1: Loophole Warrior Punch Move 2:Almighty Kick of Death Move 3: Super Combo Dash": They trained really hard...that's it. While the moves sound cool, they aren't described at all. I can't picture what they look like, or even what makes them so powerful! Are they just names like Mr. Satan's "Dynamite Kick"? Or does it actually do something strong, like Super combo Dash being like an afterimage? Without these, they can't be described as "new moves that are great", if I don't even know what they are.

-"Episode 6: Randik comes to Zork": SPOILERZ!

-"Three days after they learned three moves": Why is the time period relevant? This time could have been used to develop characters, improve dialogue and, ya know, release the first episodes online.

-"Sam: Hey guys do you see something by the sun. Alex: Hey I see it too. It looks like it's coming here. Sam: you guys wanna check our power levels. Alex & Randy: YYYEEAAHH!!": So you're interested in something, but automatically change the topic. Do these kids get amnesia every five minutes? Sam just forgot about his other friends, Alex and Randy thought Sam was in trouble, and now this!

-"Alex: okay Sam your power level is 1,500. Sam: That's good right? Alex: OMG YES IT IS SAM!": Dude, yours is 1,250. That's not that big of a difference. Plus "OMG" should never be used in a story...like, ever.

-"Randy: How about we check that wierd thing in the sky.Alex: Great idea. His/Her power level is 5,000!!!!.": Oh, NOW you want to check out! The author could have just have them check their powers BEFORE they noticed the ship, so the reveal of his absurd power compared to the kids still works. Oh wait, it doesn't, as I'll get to soon...

-"Meanwhile. Sam's dad has 2 of the Neopolitan Dragon Balls.": This literally comes out of nowhere at the end of the episode. This is just mentioned out of the blue with no plot relevance. Instead, it could have gone back and forth between Sam's training and his dad's hunt, going through many perils, and with his scouter when Randik arrived, his dad knew and tried his hardest to find the remaining Dragon Balls and maybe, just maybe, save his son...BUT NOPE!

-At the 7th episode, I realized just how boring the episode names are. They're just booooooring

-"Sam and his new friends see Randik. He has dark blue and light red hair.": This is Randik's only description for his appearance. That is the most vague thing I've ever heard. I could say Randik's a blob with beefy arms and that hair. Ya know, from now on, that's what Randik looks like.

-"Randik: I WILL DESTROY THIS PLANET FOR MY LEADER!": And that's Randik's backstory. A soldier we know nothing about that got sent to a random planet, which just so happens to be the one the protagonist lives on. There's a name for that...oh yeah! Bad writing!

-"Sam: We gotta stop him guy! Alex: Yeah but we're too weak Sam. Sam: Then we train fast. Randy: fine Sam. They spent one day training as hard as they can. Sam: ok guys LET'S BEAT THIS GUY UP.": So they're close enough to see Randik, but he doesn't hear them. Lucky enough for them. But instead of gathering fighters, making a resistance, biding their time until they're strong enough to strike back, WHAT do they decide to do? Train fast...AND IT WORKS, somehow bringing up Randy's power to 2,100, Alex's to 4,000 and Sam's to 5,000...IN A SINGLE DAY. What's even worse, they don't even care that Randik is probably destroying CITIES at that time. And why did Randy's gap between them suddenly increase drastically?! Even though it was previously stated before that his power level was 1,050 compared to Alex and Sam's 1,250 and 1,500 respectively, he shouldn't get so weak to only be HALF of Alex's strength. And why aren't they tired after seemingly training really hard? It's stupid mistake after stupid mistake that make almost everything about this story, well, STUPID!

-"Randik: Who are you three kids? Sam: we are the strongest on this planet, of course. Randik: WHATT!": So was Randik just screaming to people in the street that he was going destroy Zork for his leader? Because there's no indication that ANYTHING was destroyed. And the same problem arises...why does Randik just believe they're the strongest on the planet? It's like Kid Goku. People underestimated him, so why didn't Randik do it with the kids?

-"Randy: can i go first Sam? Sam: Sure, Randy why not?": Why not? Um...there's a guy who's going to destroy your world if you fail, you already know Randik's power level is much higher then Randy's and if you just gang up on him he's dead...WHY NOT?

-The fighting...it's just...moves (which I don't know what they do) being called out and eventually someone wins. No choreography at all. It's just horrible.

-"Meanwhile, Sam's dad has 6 of the Neopolitan Dragon Balls.": Again, pointless.

-"So Alex fought Randik. Randik was a little stronger than Alex.": Yeah...we know both of their power levels. Unless Alex got a rage boost, this was obvious.

-"Alex: I WON! Sam: YES ALEX YOU DID IT. Alex was walking back to sam when they heard a fimaliar voice.": They have scouters. Unless Randik can just magically suppress his power level *cough cough* The Benefactor *cough cough*, they should know if he's alive or not.

-"Alex's body landed on top of Randy after they both went unconsious.": This implies that Randy was conscious until Alex landed on him...even though it was stated that he almost died.

-Minor note, but in the power levels list, Randik's power magically increases a little after each fight. Never explained why. It just...happened. Yes, even the official power levels are messed up; that's how bad this is.

-"Sam: SUN BEAM ATTACK Randik: You know that move too?": Excuse me? Randik never heard or saw that move used by anyone other then Sam. None of his friends used it. No one else could have done it because apparently all adults are weak on this world. So it makes no since.

-"Randik: you're the first person to ever dodge my attack.": So his master never dodged it? Kinda hard to believe.

-"The attack bended around Randik and him him right in the back. Randik: What the, But how?": Ripoff strategy of Kid Goku's blast against King Piccolo.

-"Sam ran behind Randik and did something amazing.": It can't just be said that Sam did something amazing. It has to be shown. And no, just saying an attack name doesn't count.

-"Sam: AHHHHHHHHHHHH": Ahhhhhhhhhh. I'm so investeeeeeeeeed. See, it doesn't work if you don't add exclamation points.

-"Sam went right through Randik and penetrated him.": Again, ripoff of the King Piccolo fight. And silly Sam, Mr. Blob Body with red and blue hair can just reform himself because he's a blob!...What's that? He doesn't? So...Randik isn't a blob...huh.

-"Randik: NO, THIS CAN'T BE, My leader Karata....": Maybe if you brought some soldiers with you, overheard the kids right next to you and actually destroyed some stuff, you may not have failed your leader...who I think you have a fetish for....

-"Sam helped Alex and Randy up and told them about he defeating Randik.": Oh, yeah. Like two kids after being blasted with energy waves that could almost kill them can stand up just fine a few seconds later. Totally believe that.

-"All of the sudden they see Sam's dad coming. Sam: DAD, YOU'RE BACK! Sam's Dad had all 7 Neopolitan Dragon Balls.": It's not like Sam could've used his scouter to know where his dad was...oh wait. More importantly, WE KNEW SAM'S DAD WOULD GET ALL THE DRAGON BALLS! It's just randomly said that Sam's dad had 6 of them, so of COURSE he's going to get the last one. Unless this is a good story that had him unable to find the last one because someone else had it...like in the Baba Saga.

-"sam's dad wished for. 1. Restore the lives Randik Killed. 2. Fix the city back to normal. 3.kill any villians in the universe. 4.Give him Immortality 5. Give him five billion Zork Bucks Sadly, the dragon, Munchron wan't able to do number three.": Ahem...one, Munchron is a stupid name. Two, silly Munchron, Randik was just standing there screaming! He never destroyed anything :P. Three, we don't know the value of Zork Bucks so that's completely pointless. Four, these Dragon Balls litter ally came out of nowhere just to fix any problem with no struggle. Five, with Munchron not being able to grant the third wish, Sam's dad should still have another with, and sixth, most importantly, SAM'S DAD IS NOW IMMORTAL. There is now NO tension as ANY problem can't beat him, since he's immortal. THANKS RANDOM NEPTOLIAN DRAGON CONES! For ruining this story...oh, wait, it was already ruined before this. Never mind! :P

-"Sam is 12 now as he goes through middle school.": So now there's school? Ok, when GOHAN went to school, people thought Mr.Satan saved the day. Here EVERYONE would know. Even worse is that if he had to go to school, why was is never mentioned before this point? There was no indication that it was summer in the previous saga

-"But deep in space a super powerful villan named Karata is looking for his henchman, Randik. Karata: Where is that peice of trash. He's been gone two years now.": Why's Karata asking where Randik is? She sent him...what? Karata's a guy? That name sounds too feminine. Anyways, he sent him to Zork. He should have known he died there at most a week. Not two years. Wait...Katara's appearence isn't described at all...KATARA'S A BLOB!

-"On Zork, Sam is studing geomotry.": How do they know about geometry? Oh, wait, there's Dragon Ball: Universe 1 handbooks now! To explain everything that should've been explained in the show! Also it's useless to say "On Zork". Where else would Sam be?

-Horrible transitions from Sam to Katara. No segway, no nothing.

-"Karata: WHAT'S THIS, RANDIKS DEAD, BUT HOW. Soilder: People on Zork Killed him. Karata: Then Let's go to Zork.": Yeah. This randomly comes up. For some reason NOW, after two years, they found out he died. Whu-What?! So first they couldn't realize that he died for TWO YEARS, and now they suddenly gain intelligence and put the two together? And if Randik is a piece of trash to Karata, then why go in the first place? Now you know what happened to him. Carry on with your conquering.

-"While in the bathroom there was a wierd piece of metal on the floor. Sam: what the? When Sam went home, he went to his house. Sam: I'm home. What's this. Sam found the Super Computer Cell Disarranger.": OF COURSE! Of COURSE there's just a random Super Computer Cell Disarranger (what ever that is) laying on the BATHROOM FLOOR. Not in a store, or a cave, a BATHROOM FLOOR. And this doesn't seem to ANYTHING, as it just transitions to...

-"Eric: hi son say hi to Karem, the super computer.": This. Why does Sam's dad, oh sorry, I mean ERIC, get a name now? What changed? And that transistion was so horrible...Eric doesn't even answer his son's question.

-"Eric: 3.5 Billion Zork Bucks. Karem changes your cells around to create a diffrent person like i can turn into an earthling or a saiyan.": THERE ARE NO EARTHLINGS OR SAIYANS IN UNIVERSE 1! THEY SHOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THEM! And if people DO sell this, then why didn't someone use this machine, for anything?! They could literally take over the world, or, I dunno, stop a guy trying to conquer your planet!

-"Sam,Alex,and Randy had ice cream.": They're eating the Nepolaitan Dragon Cones! THEY'VE DOOMED US ALL!

-"Sam; so have you guys been training. Alex: No, have you? Sam: sometime now, yes I will because remember, Randik said his leader Karata will get us. Randy: oh yeah, now I remember.": You don't remember Randik screaming it, like, a hundred times? Or that the guy who almost killed you has a master? When Goku and Piccolo heard it ONCE they remembered! They're lucky that Katara's so stupid sthat he can't realize his minion died after TWO YEARS! Sorry, I'm still mad about that. And did Sam not ask them this question for two years? Now that I think about it, did Eric just not spend his money until two years later? This time skip is just so unnecessary.

-"SO they started training non-stop for three weeks until they heard somethin strange.": Again, what's the point of the time skip if they're just going to train anyways? This would be so much better if it skipped, like, a week.

-"Karata: what are their power levels. Soilder: the first one is 4,500 Soilder: the second one is 5,750 Soilder: the final one is 6,000 sir. Karata: Randik was 5,000, so they would be easy because my power level is 12,250.": They have scouters? Why didn't Randik have one? And why did Katara come with only one soldier? And why did the kids barely improve at all over three weeks when they got 5X stronger after ONE DAY? REALLY should only be a week time skip. Also, Katara just saying his power level randomly is stupid.

-I just realized it now because I've been ignore the episode titles because...it should really just be one coherant story, but why do the episode numbers suddenly reset at the end of the arc? The point of episodes is for them to continue and to be easy to access. Like if you want to watch a specific one. But with this you would have to type in the saga along with the episode, but you might get the first saga's episode...And yes, I know they're all on a single page, but the author is treating it episodicallly, so I am too.

-"Sam: Randy buys us time so me and you go to my house and use Karem, my super computer. Alex: What does she do? Sam: It can make us fuse cells and change us into any species. Alex: WOAH! REALLY! Sam: yeah, come on let's go. Randy went to Karata and Sam and Alex went to his house.": Many problems here...one. Karem is way too plot convinent. "Oh hey, we just got this thing out of nowhere to help us beat this villain and we can go back at any time!"...oh yeah, episode 66 of Super kinda did that too...anyways, two. Even though the fusion would be more effective with stronger people, why did they send the weakest out of them to fight Karata. And third, which matches up with the second, WHY DID RANDY GO TO FIGHT HIM? He could have stayed there and Karata would have probably just ignored them like Randik did. Simple. Granted, both options would still be stupid, but the latter would at least have consistency

-"Sam: DAD, SOMEONES POWER LEVEL IS 12,250 AT ZORK CITY.": Wait, they landed in Zork?...That would mean that other people would have seen Karata . And buildings would be destroyed. Yet there is no mention of other people besides the main characters...j-just a line would be nice. "The people panicked as Karata came out". There. That's it. Acknowledge their existence.

-"Sam: we're going to use Karem to fuse our bodys and turn into saiyans. Eric: ok son but i must warn you, it only last for one day.": Oh, ONLY a day. Potara lasted forever/An hour. Metomorese lasted 30 minutes. This is so overpowered. Sure, there's a time limit, but I don't think it would take a day to kill an opponent (from both fighters). The time limit needs to be long enough so it doesn't instantly defuse during the fight or actually have some stakes that they may be fused forever and short enough so that the time limit becomes useless.

-"Samex Trained for 6 hours until he saw a power level dropping. Samex: It's Randy! Samex ran as fast as he can until he saw Randy, Dead. Samex: RANDYYY, NOOOO! Karata: this guy was easy.": Wuh...WHAT?! You all know what's coming...phew...one. How did Randy, with a power level of 4,500, last for SIX HOURS against a power level of 12,500? Cui lasted about a minute against Vegeta. That's less than a 2X difference. Yet RANDY, who doesn't have very much durability as he lost to Randik who was just over 2X his strength (which actually made sense), was able to last for 6 WHOLE HOURS against a guy almost 3X HIS STRENGTH! Along with that, why did Karata say he was easy if it took him SIX HOURS to kill him? He should have at least given a hint about how the fight went like "Phew. He hid for a while, but he didn't last forever" or SOMETHING, but this implies that the fought for 6 hours straight. Two. Why did Samex train and not immediately go and help Randy? He was fighting for his LIFE and Samex was like "Eh, I'll just train a little and not help my friend. That's okay." Now that I think about it, Sam and Alex really don't like Randy. They told him to fight a guy so much stronger than him and left him alone there for 6 hours. And when he comes back after taking a shower and having a meal he acts all emotional like he couldn't stop this...except he could. For six hours. This could very easily be fixed if the time was changed to a minute after they fused and didn't HAVE to train.

-"soldier: SIR, someones power level is 11,000 nearby!": Wait, they weren't in front of Randy? Then why did Karata say, "this guy was easy"? And if they are close, then how didn't they see Samex over Randy's dead body?

-"Karata: time to die, Samex.": Karata should have no idea what Samex's name is

-Again, the fights are so bad.

-"Eric: SAMEX, I got the Neopolitan Dragon Balls. Samex: summon munchron and use one to Revive Randy. Eric: Ok, Son/Son's friends. Samex: Ok Karata let's fight!": I-It just gets worse. HOW DOES IT GET WORSE?! ONE! How is Eric talking to Samex? It isn't mentioned that they're using scouters, at all. TWO! How did Eric gather the Dragon Balls? It wasn't mentioned before that he collected them during the time skip or that he was GOING to collect them when Samex fused. THREE! It is utterly pointless that Randy died then if he was immediately brought back to life. AND FOUR! SAMEX WAS ALREADY FIGHTING KARATA BEFORE THIS!

-"Karata: another attack? this is so easy": Stupid lines. Of COURSE he's going to do another attack! He's fighting you!

-"Sam secretly did a Bending Sun Beam Attack. Karata go directly hit in the back.": A ripoff of a ripoff.

-"Karata: Nice job saiyan, but I can do better.": He shouldn't know what Saiyans are at all or that Samex is a saiyan.

-"Karata: LASER EYES AHHHHHHH!" : Yes, because Laser Eyes are stronger than an energy beam. And it seems like Karata's getting hurt from doing his own attack. Say "RAAAAAH" instead of "AHHHH".

-The fight's bad, yadda yadda yadda.

-"POOOOF! Samex split in Sam and Alex again!":...You can't do that. You can NOT do that. You can't retcon something without giving an explanation. Even Episode 66 of Super gave a REASON for the retcon. There is no way that fight lasted 18 hours. If you wanted a shorter fusion, SAY they have a shorter fusion. Ya know what, never mind. This is a plot hole, not a retcon.

-"Karata: Huh? OMG you guys are a fusion? no wonder. Ok time to die.": Never. Use. OMG. In. A. Story. Unless a whole character is based around texting, this should never be in a story.

-"POOOF! Samex came back. Karata: But.. HOW! Eric: I wished them to become Samex Again!: How did Sam's d-Eric know EXACTLY when Samex defused? No explanation. Not only that, but the defusion was ENTIRELY POINTLESS if they literally refuse 5 seconds later

-"Karata: You're alive! I killed you.": Even though Mr. Eric here was directing his line that they refused to you...and you didn't kill him, he defused.

-"Samex and Randy became blind and Karata ran to his Spaceship.":Oh, so Randy was still there? Sorry, there wasn't a single line of him saying "Oh hey, I'm alive again!" or something.

-"Karata ran away and by that time, Samex De-Fused into Sam and Alex.": UNLESS they're going super slow-mo, and that Blind Freeze lasted at least half a day, there is no way that refused Samex fought Karata for 24 hours. Literally no way for how short the fights are. Also, are we going to ignore the 3 other wishes you have like wishing Karata was dead or something?

-"Sam: these 1. Xray Break 2. Speed Travel 3. Picture of Lies 4. Erase Of Enemies": Again, just listing off attack names isn't engaging. If we know what an attack already does like the Kamehameha, then go for it. But if you have brand new moves and you give no explanation for them, you might as well not give the attack names at all. I mean, Picture of Lies could be just summoning a mirror with Post-its saying the opposite of what the enemy is. Might as well be.

-"Eric and Randy Fused too into.... ERIDY!": Eridy is a horrible name. Randic is much b-wait...

-"Eridy: Hey SAMEX me and Eric Fused into Eridy.": Eridy fused with Eric? TWO ERICS?!

-"Samex: Cool, So What's our power level's. SO they waited one day so they can check their power levels.": WHYYYYYYY? What's the point when you're going to fuse against Karata and you're there fused now? And couldn't Karem change them back if the time limit is truly a day, even though it couldn't be, as I've said before?

-"Sam: Eric yours is 8,500": CALL HIM DAD! He called Eric "Dad" in the first saga. Did his personality change for no reason?

-"Karata: THOSE FULS MESS WITH ME? HOW DARE THEY!": YOU WENT THERE YOURSELF YOU IDIOT! YOU HAD NE REASON TO IN THE FIRST PLACE! Also, I know I stopped conning spelling and grammar a while ago, but fuls...should be fools.

-"New Soldier: The Power Level Addition Machine is ready": EXCUSE ME? Why didn't this galactic overlord use this machine endlessly to become stronger than literally gods? And how did they make this machine anyways? Nothing is ever explained! Also, it comes out of nowhere for plot convenience. Yeah, that's a con too...I want to like stories, ya know?

-"and the other one is... 50,000!! Eridy: WHAT!": SEE? Why not use this machine that can quadruple your power more often?! Unless it takes 5 years to charge, I'm not buying that this guy isn't stronger than at least Frieza.

-"All of the sudden explosions started coming to Zork.": What does this even mean?

-"Samex: Do you wanna go first Eridy? Eridy: Sure!": OH! YES! Sent the WEAKER ONE out of the two of you against a guy who can beat the STRONGER one with ease! Don't team up or anything! You know how well that worked out with Randy against Randik, after all!

-"What Karata didn't know is that Samex is going to train nearby.": THIS AGAIN? Wait...shouldn't Eridy be immortal? Waitwaitwaitwait...Eric could eventually beat Karata on his own...still...if they defused Randy would die AGAIN! Samex would make the exact same mistake, wouldn't he? Train for 6 hours and let your friend die. Either way, I've realized there is zero tension

-"Samex attack New Soldier and used a new move too Samex: Xray Break! Samex found out that her eak point is the left rib so he hit that part and she fell unconsious.": Ahem...one. It was literally just said that Samex was going to train. Why is he still here? Two. Samex should be strong enough to kill the New Soldier very easily without using a super attack or hitting a weak point...yet it only knocked her out. Also, three. How did Samex automatically know her weak point?

-"Samex began training again.": Right next to the fight? It isn't said that he flew somewhere else and the New Soldier was near Karata.

-"Karata had a direct hit and didn't even flinch": No, you mean Eridy had a direct hit.

-"Eridy: How do you know my name? Karata: it's a move I have called Deep Insider.": Okay, so that expl...wait WHAT?! He just has this ability to see into people's minds? Or just to know their names? If the former, then he should know about Samex's training plan and about how they fused in their first battle. If the latter, then what's the point of having the move if you can just ASK THEM their name? Sorry, this still doesn't fix how he knew their names beforehand, especially since Samex didn't ask at all in the first fight...and how Randik knew the Sun Beam Attack before it was used

-"Samex Saved Eridy just in time. Samex: let's fuse guys! Eridy was almost unconsious. Eridy: ok, Samex. They went to sam's house without Karata looking.": Buh...WHAT?! Why didn't they fuse BEFORE fighting Karata? WHY DIDN'T THEY FUSE WITH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD TO STOP THIS THREAT?! Wait...why didn't Randy fuse with Eric in the first battle? Sure, there wouldn't be anyone to collect the Dragon Balls, but still. AND HOW WERE THEY JUST ABLE TO WALK AWAY FROM KARATA WITHOUT HIM PURSUING THEM? Was Karata looking at a bird and being not at all surprised that Samex saved Eridy somehow even though he's much weaker than him?

-"Eridex: my power level is... 37,000! Eridex: it's not enough though! They started training while walking to Zork City Karata: where is those idiots.": COUGH COUGH COUGH ONE! Eridex is a stupid name. Name him Samdic or something better than Eridex. COUGH COUGH TWO! I gave a pro for not overpowering the fusion before, but this is ridiculous. The fusion weaker than Eridy and Samex's combined powers WITHOUT fusing! COUGH THREE. How can you train while WALKING? How do you even do that? And FOUR! KARATA HAS A SCOUTER (somehow. Yes, I'm still on the side that they shouldn't have scouters at all)! JUST USE IT TO FIND THEM! Unless you just want to walk on the sidewalk and buy some clothes at the store...oh wait you're a blob, you don't wear clothes.

-"Eridex: Xray Break! Eridex found out that Karata's weakness is his chest.": Oh is THAT what it does? I would give more pros to this move if it was said flat out that's what it did. You shouldn't have to connect the dots to know the effect of a move a while after its introduction (I say this 'cause the Time Leap and Kaioken weren't automatically explained when first used, but shortly after). And now that I know...how could Sam learn this at all? A week of training doesn't let you spot an opponent's weaknesses instantly.

- Again...none of the fights are good or enticing. They're. just. moves.

-"That move is a combo of Speed travel and Enemie Eraser": Yes, because I know what both of those moves do...oh wait.

-Eridex: I'm Stealing your energy Karata!: HOW?! ULTRA PLOT CONVENIENCE, MUCH?

-"Karata was now history. FOREVER!": That's just a bad line.

-"Episode 11: three more wishes left from Munchon. Eridex: our wishes are 1. turn us into four again 2. revive everybody that died from katara that isn't evil. 3. Rebuild Zork City! The three wishes were made and that was the end of Katara": Okay...so one. Did Munchon...wait, wasn't it Munchron?...Yeah, it was! Okay, that's one. Second, did Munchon wait for TWO WEEKS to give the remaining wishes? Was the sky dark for that long, as I assume he has that same property? Three, and probably the most important out of the four I'll list here, Karem's fusion is horribly inconsistent. So first it says they can ONLY be fused for a day, then then defuse in the middle of a fight after only, say, 6 and a half hours, then defuse after 5 minutes at most, and now it's forever unless they wish for it? Couldn't Karem just unfuse them since they can fuse them at all? Ya know, make it make sense by not having Karata stare at birds and actually destroy Karem so they couldn't fuse again after that fight and that's their last ditch effort? Anyways, four. It is never truly stated that any destruction happened or that anyone died (besides Randy, but that was useless). Yes there was that raining down explosions line, but that's not enough. Just add that it completely destroyed Zork City and killed everyone there or SOMETHING!

-"Goku was born and Planet Vegeta was destroyed in universe 7.": USELESS!

-"Sam and his friends stopped training after Karata died.": WHHYYYYYYYYYYYY? What, do you want ANOTHER threat coming and trying to kill you (but not destroy your planet cuz they haven't done that)?

-"?????: Hello, my name is Peppi, i'm the Kai for this Quandrant. Sam: Quandrant? what is that? Peppi: there are four quandrants in each universe. we are in universe 1. you're planet is in the north quandrant, so we are testing the greatest fighters to battle in a tournament to battle 3 other people in the other quandrants. The winner of that gets a private lessson with Earl, The Grand Kai!":Sigh...kais don't interact with Earthly affairs too much. Don't get me wrong, they DO help, like sealing Bojack and stuff. But the only reason why King Kai TRAINED Goku was because he WENT there. They don't just go down to random planets hosting tournaments. The Otherword Tournament happened because, well, it was in the Otherworld and the Grand Kai did it in his realm. Also Earl is a stupid name for a Kai.

-In the power levels list, Grand Kai (I don't care if he's called Earl, I'm calling him Grand Kai because it's not stupid) shouldn't be weaker than Ginyu. He should be at least on par with Frieza

-"Alex and Randy came up to me": Oh so this is first person now? Except...it isn't...what?

-"Alex:oh,.... A KAI!!": How does Alex know what a Kai is?

-"Peppi: anyways... here's an invitation for the tournament. It's on planet ummmmm, oh yeah, Earth!": There IS no Earth in Universe 1. That's only for Universes 6 and 7.

-"Sam: We build four Spaceships.": Or build one big ship all of you can fit in. No? Oh, okay, let's take the hard way out...

-"Sam: Hey, Dad! can you go after the Neopolitan Dragon Balls so that Munchron can make four spaceships for us. Eric: Ok Sam.": That is insanely rude. "Oh just stop what you're doing and gather these Dragon Balls which take, like, a week to gather" Yeah, great manners, Sam.

-"Earl: Where is Peppi? Servant: He's on planet Zork Sir. Earl: Why? Servant: Someone there was able to beat Karata. Earl: KARATA! he's pretty strong...Earl: When will the tournament start?": How incompetent can a guy be to not know who he's inviting or what day HIS tournament is starting?

-"Sam: Hey Dad do you have the Neopolitan Dragon Balls yet? Eric: Yes I do Son, I'm coming back. Sam: Ok. Sam hung up his ZPhone and went to his friends.": Oh yeah, rush your dad even more...also how could he gather them in less than, like, 30 minutes when it took him super long the other times? I know he got stronger, but still. More importantly...what's a ZPhone? IS THIS NOT A SEQUEL TO ANOTHER SERIES?! No? Ugh...

- Horrible Alex vs Randy fight, again

-How did everyone get so much stronger after barely training. Like, they were at the max of 20,000 an hour ago in their time, about. Now after no mentioned training besides that SINGLE fight, the strongest out of them is now a 50,000...it makes no sense. Maybe if they actually TRAINED in that 3 year period, it would, but NOOOOOOO! We need to have completely unnecessary factors in this story.

-"Sam: Oh yeah! I didn't eat yet.": You didn't eat...t-this is completely unnecessary. It's not funny either, if that's what this was going for.

-...You know the point of fusions is to INCREASE powers past the limit, right? I completely take back that pro now (although I'll still keep it as I thought it was good at the time). They can't just add their powers off of each other.

-"Eridex: My power level is.... 131,500! Eridex trained for the whole day until he De-Fused. Sam: Woah, 131,500!": Oh, so the wish before was completely pointless, since they defuse after a day...so inconsistent. Also, minor gripe, but I don't like how people with scouters can scan their own power level with the scouter. Not major, but still. Wait...even after a day of training, how did Eridex's power level not raise at ALL?

-"Sam: Let's see. 1. No Fusion! 2. No Killing! 3. If you become unconsious, the opponment wins.": How did Sam figure out these rules? They were together for the whole day. Also, that makes the fusion power level thing completely pointless

-"After Eric finished his 5 wishes, they went to Earth to the tournament.": Are we just ignoring the other 4 wishes Eric made? Yes? No?

-"Anncouncer: OK FOLKS THESE ARE OUR 8 FINALIST.":FINALISTS?! There were no preliminaries at all!

-"4. Eric": Eric's immortal. Since there's no out of bounds rule, he can't lose. I don't think immortal beings can go unconscious either.

-"1. Aquaticy 2. Sam 3. Alex 4. Eric 5. Randy 6. Lamon 7. Turata 8. Fared": Why does their quadrant get 4 people while the others only get 1 or 2? Shouldn't there be a preliminary with only the selected people for the quadrant and let's say the top 4 out of THOSE gets to be a finalist? Either way, Sam's quadrant has an unfair advantage.

-Yeah, Sam and the others have an unfair advantage. Sam took Aquaticy out in 2 attacks. Oh yeah, the fight's bad, too.

-"Alex: Bending Sun Beam Attack!": That defeats the purpose. Bending attacks are supposed to be a surprise.

-I still have no idea what these moves do...maybe the fights would be better if I was TOLD what they did!

-"Announcer: Ok! Match 3. Roshi vs Gohan. Lamon: Hammer Attack! Turata: Hammer Attack!": Excuse me? Roshi and Gohan AREN'T in this fanfic...they're supposed to be Lamon and Turata. Oh, and the fight's literally a single attack too...yawn

-"Eric flew out of the ring.": I'm sorry, there were no rules about there being a ring you fall out of and lose. Eric should have won with the rules that were established earlier.

-"2. Gohan Vs Fared": WHAT?! Why does the author keep changing Turata's name to Gohan? Either you have Gohan, or you have a new character...plus Gohan and Roshi shouldn't be in this universe at all since 1. It's a different universe and 2. It was said that Goku was just born in Universe 7, so Gohan couldn't even BE born!

- Horrible fights yadda yadda yadda.

-"Announcer: Gohan Vs Fared! Turata: Hammer Attack!": STOP CHANGING HIS NAME! It's not that hard!

-"This went on forver.": Oh doing the same thing over and over with no variation is a good fight. Top notch battle.

-"Announcer: First person th get up Wins!": Ripoff of the first tournament. Maybe he lo- "Announer: AND THE WINNER IS..... Sam!!!!!!!!!!"...no. I'm done...not really...my stunt double's on coffee break.

-Now that the tournament is done, I learned nothing about the new characters. Who are they? How did they get so strong? Their friends? Their motives? None of that's expanded. They're just random people who came out of nowhere for this tournament.

-"Announcer: It's a pass to go to planet Namek for the Ultimate Tournament!": WHAT?! There should be no Planet Namek! There was no mention of an Ultimate Tournament! THIS WAS THE TOURNAMENT OF ALL THE QUADRANTS! Wasn't it? No?

-"Episode 11: Semi-Finals: Sam Vs Andrew and Darkumen Vs Poreta": Semi-Finals? They just got there.

-"While in his spaceship he learned three moves for his dad and him to use. 1. Family Karate Kick 2. Father-Son Sun Beam Attack 3. Copy Death": Father-Son Sun Beam Attack is a ripoff of the Father Son Kamehameha. And AGAIN I don't know what 'Family Karate Kick' or 'Copy Death' are. There is no point if I don't know what they do!

-"Announcer: In the first round, Sam Vs Andrew and in the second round, Darkumen Vs Poreta!": It's matches not rounds.

-"Announcer: Sam's Power Level is 61,000! Announcer: Andrew's power level is 57,750!": I already know Sam's going to win. That's just a problem with power levels, not just this series

-"Announcer: Darkumen's power level is 50,000 Announcer: Poreta's Power level is, 75,000!!!!": Again, I know who's going to win now.

-"Alex: Can you fuse here? Peppi: yes why? Sam: My Dad! Sam: Hey dad get the Namekian Dragon Balls and form us into Samex.": That is such an unfair advantage. Poreta got that power on his own. You're just going to fight dirty. Yes it's the most effective, but if you wanted effective, use the Dragon Balls to wish for Erdirx or whatever his name is. Not Samex. Also, they shouldn't know Namek has Dragon Balls

-"Sam: Hey can you delay the time for a day or two? Announcer: Sure!": OH YEAH! THAT'S FAIR! Don't give us tension and having Sam use his MIND to beat Poreta! Have you bend the rules into your favor!

-"Eric has three of the Namekian Dragon Balls.": How? They just came up with the idea. It's always too quick. Yes, the villages how the Dragon Balls, but still

-"Sam: Samex is a saiyan from Karem and there was a story about a super saiyan.": People. From. Zork. Shouldn't. Know. About. Super. Saiyans.

-"Eric: No. The last one is below us.": Now that I think about it, how is it underground? It should be with one of the villagers or Guru.

-"Eric: These are our wishes 1. Fuse Sam and Alex into Samex. 2. Allow them to turn into a super saiyan 3. give us locations for the Neopolitan Dragon Balls 4. Build more citys for Zork. 5. Give all Zorkians Life! Porunga: I Granted all these wishes, farwell!": The-The wishes...it's always the WISHES! You know what's coming now...one, and most importantly, PORUNGA CAN ONLY GRANT 3 WISHES! He can't grant 5 like the overpowered Neopolitan Dragon Cones! Two. Building more cities for Zork is extremely selfish. These guys are the heroes? Three. If the Neopolitan Dragon Balls were just used AND Eric can find the Dragon Cones in one day anyways, what's the point? Four. What does "give all Zorkians life" even MEAN? Due to these, there should only be three, as three of these are completely unnecessary.

- As for power levels...Why is Munchron weaker than Porunga when Munchron should be the only one to grant 5 wishes? Why is the Super Saiyan multiplier so low? It should multiply a person's power by 50. Instead, Samex goes from 85,000 to 120,000, which in of itself a downplay of fusion.

-"Samex: AGHHH THE SUPER SAIYAN POWER IS MINE!!!!!!": Stupid line

-"Everyone was happy that Samex won the tournament.": Are you kidding me?! I would be FURIOUS if I was Poreta! These guys just fused and wished to gain an ultimate power who HE couldn't! Sam didn't win! He should have lost! He used underhand tactics to get the better of him. That's something a villain would do, not the hero of the story. If they got to power up, Poreta should have too.

- No move description for the moves yadda yadda yadda.

-Last saga, last saga..."Sam got married to Praty. Sam also had a daughter named Pam.": Sam's only 23. That's a little too young for marriage and having a kid, I would think. Also, who is Praty? No build up for this? We just assume the became girlfriend and boyfriend and married each other?

-"Eric was about 40 now as he can't fight anymore.": You can still fight when you're 40. Especially since he's immortal and all. Master Roshi still trained when he was over 100 years old. Oh and if he didn't train, why is he stronger now? He doubled his power from 30,000 to 64,500

-"Sam usually trained as SSJ1 Samex once a week. His power level is about 250,000.": It just doubled? OVER 8 YEARS?! No, they should have gotten MUCH stronger than that.

-"Randy left about 3 years ago and trained for a long time.": Except training with a strong partner is better than training alone.

-"Eric: I know it's 10 times as powerful as Karata!": Oh, but Samex can multiply his power by 50 so he should...oh yeah, that Super Saiyan transformation is still not right.

-"Eric: He is the God of Destruction for our universe.": How does Eric know about this? Unless a Kai told him (which I would assume would be in the time skip) he shouldn't know, and even if he did, why didn't the Kai tell Sam either?

-"Eric: No it is Flight.": ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO FLY?! THIS ENTIRE TIME THEY RAN TO THE DRAGON CONES? W-WHAT? No, I can't believe that. That is stupid. And if Eric knew this before why didn't he teach Sam before? Don't tell me that he learned it a day before this happened either because Eric "stopped training".

-"Tam: MUAHHHHHHH! I WILL DESTROY EVERY PLANET! Dog: WOOF! WOOF! Tam: Who's a good boy. Yes you are! Dog: Woof! Tam: Die Dog, Element Beam.": Where's his attendant? This should be regulated, ya know.

-Tam Anegi is WAY TOO WEAK for a God of Destruction. Beerus can take out Majin Buu and SSJ3 Goku with EASE (less than 1%, probably), while Tam can't even stand up to Frieza's FIRST FORM (500,000 vs 530,000). No. Unless you have your characters as Super Saiyan Gods, they can't battle a God of Destruction THAT easily.

-"Dog: wooooff.......": How did that dog survive a God of Destruction's blast?

-"Tam Landed on Zork about 2 weeks later.": HOW DID THEY SENSE HIM THEN IF HE WAS THAT FAR AWAY?! Or was he close and just slept after sensing their powers?

-The power levels...Sam is 150,000 in his base. Alex is 125,000 in his base. SSJ1 Samex is only 300,000. That is stupid. Even if you just add the two's powers together, the Super Saiyan transformation only gives a 1.09X boost...THAT'S WORSE THAN THE WEAKEST KAIOKEN! This is...horrible...

-"Randy: Hey Guys i'm here!": Oh, so he just appears after 3 years of being away? Yeah, that's good reintroduction

-"but it was too late they were already at Karem": WHY CAN'T THE VILLAINS CHASE THE HEROES?! It's almost over...almost over...

-Again, all of them added up without Super Saiyan is 430,000. Eridex at Super Saiyan is 455,000...THAT'S AN EVEN LOWER INCREASE! Just 1.06X! Last episode...so close...

-The X# is too overplayed here

-"SSJ2 Eridex: This is the last time! SUN BEAM ATTACK X500!": HOW DID ERIDEX TURN SUPER SAIYAN 2?!

-Are we just going to ignore that Sam didn't save the universe? He ruined it. He KILLED the God of Destruction. Everything is in disarray now. There's no balance.

- Oh yeah, also, Eridex is immortal. There's no tension for the battle

-This story...this story...There are unnecessary lines and things that shouldn't be there. There is no explanation for what Zork's society even IS. The villains are all bland. The tournament had no substance. I know nothing about what the moves do, and the ones I do know make no sense. The Super Saiyan multiplier is messed up. The Dragon Cones are SO OVERPOWERED. The entire power scaling is messed up. The fights are horrible. Karem and the fusions are used for plot convenience. The fusion's time limit is super inconsistent. It's...just...go to the next part of the review...

Review 2: Dragon Ball Z: The story of Androids!

Pros

+I kinda like how Gero failed to create a robot to kill Goku the first time. Although it also has many problems

+Gero kidnapping more kids besides #17 and #18 was kinda cool. It shows that he doesn't care about morality even near the beginning.

+It's short enough so I don't die from its stupidity.

+No really, like, for my general synopsis for pros, it's super short...that's it.

Cons

-It should be "The Story of the Androids", which makes even less sense because it's spelled "The Story Of Androids" in the next line. They're still wrong either way though

-Just one big paragraph is hard to read. I know that from my own experiences, sadly.

-One the note of just one big paragraph...that isn't enough to tell a story for all of the Androids. Even though I haven't read it yet, KV's The Perfect Lifeform seems better just on the surface because it, ya know, actually has effort and time put into it...and more than a paragraph.

-"Dr. Gero was so sad that the red ribbon army got demolished. This made Dr. Gero really mad.": Nostalgia Critic's Politician game everyone! Where someone contradicts themselves right after they said something else!

-"'I need a lot of stuff for my robots' Dr. Gero said.": Okay, the doctor's talking to...who? And where? And why when he could think that? And what's stranger is that dialogue ALMOST NEVER APPEARS AFTER THIS! It's pointless!

-"He went to West city first to get a program chip so the robots could talk": Android 8 could talk. Are you telling me that ALL of Gero's materials were destroyed when Goku attacked? Because Goku never even saw Gero's lab.

-"Next he went to Orange City to get half of the parts for the androids.": Oh yes, only HALF of them. If he was able to get killer parts for the Androids, then why would they be sold just in a city (unless it's Gero's genius that allowed him to use it to his advantage, which makes sense, I guess)? And if Orange City basically had all of the parts, why didn't get them all? It's not said that he couldn't. And why did he have to go to West City to get a voice box if everything was there?!

-"After he went around the world twice he finally found the perfect spot for his labratory.": He obviously had the laboratory before the RRA fell because Android 8 was already built. And why did he have to go around the world TWICE? I think going around once would be enough.

-...ANDROIDS 9-20 WERE MADE TO KILL GOKU! Nothing before! Do you know why?! Android 8! This story just disregards the whole first part of Dragon Ball, which should NEVER be done. Do your research, kids.

-"His power level was about chi-chi's power level.'This Won't do!' Dr. Gero said as he ripped #1 apart.": Irrelevant because it doesn't mention which Chi-Chi this is. Kid Chi-Chi? Chi-Chi in the 23rd Tournament? Or after Gohan? And when was Android #1 completed? No mention of any of these. And if it was immediately dismantled after being built, it should be a prototype as it wasn't used for anything. On that note, Androids should technically be referred to as "it", but it's not major.

-"They tried to kill Dr.Gero but Dr. Gero was strong enough to defeat them.": This REALLY bugs me. Gero wasn't strong at all before be became an Android. He was a little stronger then the Farmer with the shotgun at best. If Android #1 was some sort of Chi-Chi level, when even Kid Chi-Chi was stronger then a dinosaur, and Androids #2 and #3 being obviously stronger (unless we're going by the logic that they were inhibited like , they should have instantly killed Gero and gone on a mini-rampage. It's not like he used a remote either, no, it's STATED that HE was strong enough to beat them. Makes no sense.

-"Dr. Gero ran out of parts so he went to Capsule Corp to ask for parts.": This is so OOC

-"But all he got was a copy machine. But that came in handy. He used it to copy his parts until he had millions of parts!": This is just...if...if Capusle Corp...has a copy machine that can print copies of ANYTHING, then why did they give it to him?! Wait...it's also treated like the people at Capsule Corp didn't KNOW it could copy stuff...HOW?! They have Dr. Briefs who made the Capusles and a spaceship that can travel light years in a week, and BULMA, who made the Dragon Radar, a shrinking device and a TIME MACHINE (granted, Bulma in the regular timeline didn't know how to because she had to use Future Bulma's blueprints, but still), yet they didn't know that they made a copy machine with this level of power. Plus, Dr. Gero HAD no parts to copy ANYWAYS because it was stated earlier that he went to Capsule Corp because he ran OUT of parts! That's why he went in the first place!

- Why did Gero hide it when he was IN A SECRET LABRATORY?! There was ZERO point

-"but the super computer broke #4 while he was on vacation."DANG IT" Dr. Gero said. He broke down the super computer and built another one.": So a mad scientist who made and ultimate creation had zero blueprints for it. Why couldn't he just make another #4? And why take a vacation, now that I think about it? If Gero was finished with all of his testing, he would sent it to a city to have it destroy stuff until Goku came, like how he and #19 did it. This is even stranger as...

-"this one was like #4. He was perfect. It had Goku,Krillin,Little bits of Vegeta, and Yamcha. #5 started to look for Goku but he was quickly destroyed by a missile":...He does this with #5. Why didn't he do that with #4?! And, again, Android 8 was a thing in the original Dragon Ball! There would BE no Vegeta bits (which wouldn't do anything really. He just had bits of skin in him?). Also, if a random missile from some unexplained outside force (like how the supercomputer broke, which also makes no sense) can destroy #5, then that is nowhere near perfect. Kid Goku could punch a missile that could blow up AN ENTIRE HEADQUARTERS! If he knew who Vegeta was, he would at LEAST put #5 to his level so, ya know, he doesn't get destroyed. Makes no sense.

-"Dr. Gero stopped for about a month. By that time Gohan was born.": Gero just randomly stopped? A-And Gohan was just born? AGAIN! ANDROID. 8. IS. A. THING! Not only that, but if Gohan was born after the creation of #5, then Gero wouldn't even KNOW who Vegeta WAS. This is...so stupid.

-"he started #6 and #7. They were both girls. They were stored in Dr. Gero's super computer.": Whyyyyyyyyyy? "Oh hey, I have these machines to kill Goku! Hm...they work perfectly fine and aren't trying to kill me...I'LL STORE THEM IN MY COMPUTER!". And how can you store actual people in a computer anyways? Unless you mean those pods he stored them in...which isn't the supercomputer.

-"Dr. Gero started to build #9 until he fell asleep.": Oh, so this story DOES know about Eighter? T-Then shouldn't the author know that the androids AFTER #8 were meant to kill Goku? Th-This boggles my mind...On a side note, it doesn't mention specifically how long he worked. He very well could have worked for 50 years, for all I know, with Gero using a Super Caffine Pill and a Time Machine to know about Vegeta before he knew who Vegeta was. And then the Time Machine got destroyed by a bandit...and Gero magically survived because he was always a robot...

-"#9 malfunctioned and started to try to kill Dr. Gero. Dr. Gero stored his brain inside the super computer and the super computer started to rebuild Dr. Gero into #20.":...And? Did Gero just say "Bad #9! BAD!", and #9 stopped? There is no point in bringing it up if it's not explained. Also, Dr. Gero only had the super computer build Cell. No other androids. #19 helped him become an android, meaning he was a human for every other model.

-"#6 and #7 were free from the super computer and was returned back to human.": WHY?! Did they just leave and go on with their day without telling anyone about the evil mad scientist who kidnaps kids?! And how did they even get out of the computer and turn human? EVEN SHENRON COULDN'T DO THAT!

-"#10 was like #4 but way stronger. he wasn't stronger than #17 and #18 though. he was strong enough to beat Vegeta in his weakest form": So...Baby Vegeta? No not the GT one, the actual pacifier sucking Baby Vegeta? Not very strong for an android...It's also stupid how it's said that #10 was weaker than #17 and #18. WELL DUH! You say it's as strong as the weakest Vegeta, and unless that Vegeta is the Super Saiyan Android Saga Vegeta, it's kinda obvious. And again, if Gero knew about Vegeta way back at #4, why didn't he make him stronger than Vegeta in the first place when he had the necessary tools to do so.

-"He is in Dr. Gero's other Labrotory while in GT too. He never was activated. #18 remembers about #10 but doesn't say anything about it.": So he's in both labs at the same time? And how does #18 know when all of the models before #16 (#13 if you count movies) were destroyed?

-"#12 works and is as strong as #18 but was never activated due to Dr. Gero forgetting about it.": OH! OKAY! Gero just FORGOT about his flipping ultimate creation! "Oh, yes, this one with beat Go...what am I doing? Oh yeah, more Androids! Wait, did I make a #12? Ah, he must have malfunctioned for some reason." Yeah! Makes total sense!

-"Dr. Gero made one last one #21. He was the first one. He named it #21 because he was 21 at the time. #21 was the ultimate android. But Dr.Gero accidentally deactivated him and it broke down. Dr. Gero was so mad he went on a rampage and started to make androids.": This. It could have been so much more bearable without this. One. Cell is technically #21. Two. Why couldn't he make a creation as strong as #21 when he made #21, first, I might add? Three. How do you accidentally deactivate your ultimate creation and be unable to reboot him? Gero did that with #17 and #18. AND FOUR! It was CLEARLY said before that Gero made androids because HE WAS MAD AT GOKU! NOT because of being stupid and deactivating his creation.

-This story...the main problem is ignoring Android 8's creation. Androids 1-7 COULDN'T be made before Goku destroyed the Red Ribbon. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. Another is that Gero just looses his ultimate creations for NO REASON like, at all. He either forgets it or it breaks and he doesn't have blueprints for another one. There are also so many unnecessary things, like Vegeta's cells, the copy machine and #21, all which detract the story...time for comparison.

Review 3: Dragonball Unlimated 

Pros

+One pro...just...at least ONE pro. Um...um…”so elder kai restored gohans tail” YES! THAT! Just a super small pro, but I like how that happened! That happened to Goku in GT! Continuity! Ok...is there anything else...?

Cons

-Unlimited is spelled wrong...that is not a good sign

-The fact that it has templates for this being something you shouldn’t write and a vast amount of spelling errors doesn’t bode well either.

-...Weak saga. I guess you could say that title is pretty

• puts on sunglasses

Weak. YEAAAAAAaaah I’ll see myself out.

-”takes place after gt 10 years have passed”: ...where...where do I even START with this? Um…there’s no capitalization, no periods, no semicolons, no NOTHING! I mean really, if I even try to start on how bad this sentence structure is, you'd say, so you can check over all of those spelling mistakes. Because, I mean...maybe the story is somewhat good...maybe...possibly....it isn’t, is it?

-”and the z fighters rest in peace with gohan having a another brother named gochan and a son rohan new characters to come”: For one, those two...ahem…”sentences” completely contradict each other. If all the Z-Fighters were dead, then how could Gohan still be alive? How would Goku still be alive to have another kid? Wasn’t HE a kid at the end of GT? And didn’t he LEAVE with Shenron, and didn’t return until 100 years later? It isn’t a step brother either because that isn’t said at all. So either this is a giant plot hole or, like, Goku went to see Chi-Chi before he actually left and somehow a 13 year old body was able to get, like, a 60 year old pregnant...THANKS STORY FOR PUTTING THAT INTO MY HEAD! Secondly, Gochan and Rohan? Really? Adding “han” as a suffix? Seriously? Literally, in all of Goku’s family, there are only TWO with “han” at the end...AND BOTH OF THEM ARE GOHAN. Grandpa Gohan and the Gohan that became a scholar. Gochan is just a combination “Goku” and “Gohan” and Rohan is the exact same thing except with a “Ro”. The names are just...so dumb.

-”but gohan time is out because its apart of his destiny to become the supreme kai”: What? No it isn’t. If it was, the Kais could’ve taken him at any time after the Buu Saga. That’s 16 years. They just NOW realise after 16 years, “Oh yeah, Gohan, even though you stopped training a long time ago because you had no idea about this, but YOU NEED TO BE A KAI!”. That’s not even how Kais WORK! They’re born from a tree. They are not appointed like Gods of Destruction. I know that this story was written before the Gods of Destruction were shown, but the point still stands that you can’t just randomly say something and give the excuse that “it’s destiny”. Side note, but what does “but gohan time is out” mean? Is there suddenly a threat? Was there something stopping the Kais from telling him for 16 YEARS? Please, tell me! I have no idea!

-”the two kai gave gohan there power then elder kai made gohan a kid again at the point he became a super saiyan”: Why? What is that point? Looking over the fact that Elder Kai can’t magically make people younger, what does turning him into a kid do? Did Gohan have consent to this? If he did, why would he do that when he has two kids to look after? Goku turning into a kid was completely accidental and not foreseen by anyone. The ONLY explanation I can come up with is that it would give more time for Gohan to be alive, but that isn’t even mentioned in the text and if age is an issue at all, why didn’t Elder Kai wait until later when Gohan was about to die so that he can still be a Supreme Kai? Even though he has a wife and two kids and he’s going to live past their deaths...intentionally...for no reason besides destiny that was never told to him before this point...ugh...next line.

-”told gohan there’s a transformation call mystic saiyan you can only go up to level 10 but first gohan had to master going up to super saiyan 10 mystic saiyan 10 when gohan mastered both states he will have to figure out a way to become a mystic saiyan”: So APPARENTLY there’s been this Mystic Super Saiyan which Elder Kai knew about. THAT wouldn’t have been helpful against guys like, I dunno, Majin Buu, Baby, Super 17 or the Shadow Dragons. No, no, no we had to hide it because DESTINY! Oh, there’s also 10 levels too. But, wait, wait hold on. Gohan...has to unlock Mystic Saiyan 10 AND Super Saiyan 10 (both being ridiculous things for obvious reasons, I might add) to become...a Mystic Saiyan...what kind of logic is that? Gohan unlocks all the levels of Super Saiyan, but can’t unlock the lowest level he got while training. That makes..no sense at all.

-”back on earth goku came and they had a reunion but right after the reunion day goku transported him and vegeta to a desert planet to train”: Soooooo...Goku’s back with no explanation at all. He left for 100 years if you rememb-you know, I’m just starting to wonder if we even watched the same series. Sure, the characters are there, but maybe there was a bootleg version I missed.

-"goku explained to vegeta that in 2 years groups of people from the underworld are escaping sheron told me .": So just go there and put a stop to the rebellion now. If you know ahead of time that they're escaping, which also makes zero sense at all, then just either ask Piccolo to stop the villains, go to hell yourself to stop them or ANYTHING besides just saying so. Sure, you can give the excuse that the Saiyans want to fight these bad guys because it would be fun. However, it was a cheap way to explain why they avoid the best options for the sake of tension in Z, and it's cheap here as well. I think my point still stands.

-"back on gohans planet goan figure out how to become a super mystic saiyan by becoming a super saiyan then become a mystic when he transformed it blow up the whole planet but then gohan restored it that's one of his new powers and he has elder kais wisdom.": A 'Super Mystic Saiyan'...you do know that you physically CAN'T go Super Saiyan when you're Mystic, right? That's explained in the series itself. There was also zero point to Gohan blowing up the planet by transforming only to have him restore it with ease. It just raises more questions like how Gohan survived the planet blowing up when it's seemingly in some sort of space where he wouldn't be able to breathe and how Gohan was able to COMPLETELY restore a planet with zero reasoning or logic behind it. Same goes with him becoming as wise as the Elder Kai.

Review 4: His Majesty's Pet

Chapter 1: Wake

Pros

- All slate and rust opening line is a good descriptor. Personally I was a bit confused for a second about if it was talking about the clouds with the “slate and rust”, but the next line made it pretty clear.

-I find it interesting how the word “clambered” is used, considering part of the definition is an awkward and laborious way. In one way it can give the impression that Vegeta is a good climber but is rushing through things as fast as possible making it awkward or it could be an intentional oxymoron to indicate despite being talented, he’s not old enough to have the skill to do it quickly and non awkwardly at the same time. In another way, it could simply be a poor word choice that contradicts things, but I’d like to give it the benefit of the doubt.

-Having an Appendix is pretty cool, especially giving context to little things that can make the universe feel more alive, as people say. For the space Lynx specifically, mentioning how the royal family still wants them for “robes and capes” and to hunt space badgers, it indicates a likely reason why they repopulated them wasn’t to save a dying species but to utilize them for their own gain.

-”The wind had blown fiercely that day, but everyone had been so still, so silent as Frieza approached the king.” I like this sentence, with the contrast between the wind and the people and the repetition of “so ____”

-Utilizing “they” throughout the end of the first paragraph instead of only “we” was a good choice. I think it works to say Vegeta is lying (even to himself) that he was afraid by pointing out how everyone else was afraid, when in the last sentence, it was obvious that he was afraid.

-”Everyone else may be dead, but I’m not joining them. So he didn’t.” Cool line.

-”surly-faced space aliens” a nice flow to that, with “surly” and “space” having alliteration and “faced” and “space” sounding similar.

-In terms of a stand alone work, the reference to Zarbon still works, though I appreciate if you know the other material this is likely referencing Zarbon already sending out guys to fight Vegeta and Ledas, tying things in to other stories.

-I think it was a nice way to end the section by having it be revealed that it was Vegeta reflecting upon everything that happened prior in the pod.

-”A Super Saiyan doesn’t cry. The Prince of All Saiyans doesn’t, either. They were dead and gone; Vegeta remained. That was all that mattered.

He went to stand up, and another jolt of pain shot through his body like a burst of poisoned electricity. The young boy let out a gasp and fell back in his seat. He was seeing stars in his waking vision, and he could not blink them away. I have to get up… I have to show them I’m strong.

He tried to, but another, more pressing jolt of pain rocked his body. This time, his eyes watered, his lip began to tremble, and he saw the darkness coming.” - I think this is a good part of the section, showing despite how hard Vegeta tries, he’s still trapped as an inferior to people like Frieza.

-Second appendix note makes reference to this Doctor Boson guy discovering the near sentience. Again, little things like that don’t make a story, but they help develop it.

-”the dance of granddaddy alcoholics” is just plain funny.

-”Dodoria was sweating like a space pig, and he looked altogether pink, bloated enough to be a lampshade someday” - I found the comparison to “space pig” by sweating immediately followed by “looked altogether pink” decently funny.

-Kuriza saying “What a noob.” was kinda unexpected, but I think it works.

-”He hoped Guldo got the message, but all the lumpy boy did at that moment was shit his pants, so unfortunately space kabobs were thenceforth out of the question. It was horrible, just like Guldy.” : I like this cuz it’s just funny how Kuriza doesn’t care Guldo shit his pants and more about space kebabs. I think the word “thenceforth” helps to sell that comedy. I’d also like to imagine Guldo literally shit his pants, rather than as a figure of speech.

-Vegeta choosing to get out as soon as possible to keep fighting and show his strength is a good way to carry on that character trait in the first section of the chapter. Shows that this will probably a prevalent part of Vegeta’s character in the story.

-”The alien stood up, grabbed his Saibaman like it was pillow, hugging it tightly to his chest, and stuck his tongue out at Vegeta.”: Cute

-”He and his best friend had trained with Saibamen, using them as tools to become stronger and stronger. To become Super Saiyans, he thought bitterly.” : Similar point to the Zarbon attack reference stated several points above.

-The conversation between Vegeta and Frieza is pretty enjoyable.

-From now on, unless I directly point it out as a con, just assume from now on that I like all of the little details in the appendixes. This is referring to me liking the appendix note in this section

-I like the hypocrisy in Frieza seeming agitated that someone would be killed in his ship while at the same time being entirely fine with killing people on his own in said ship (as shown in The Forgotten, and even in some filler scenes in the Namek arc).

-Vegeta accepting the mission while still being heavily injured is a good continuation of keeping his pride with staying strong.

-”Do be careful. I wouldn’t want to lose the last Saiyan I have.” - At first I was going to con this since Nappa was mentioned earlier to be alive. However, since Frieza didn’t even note Vegeta saying as such, I think this works as a slightly subtle way to say he doesn’t even care if Nappa’s alive or not.

-“Vegeta walked up to Zarbon, even as the green alien towered over him, and glared down at him. ‘You won’t get away with what you did. You know I’m going to kill you,’ he spoke.

‘What was that, monkey?’ replied Zarbon haughtily.

Vegeta lowered his voice, but spoke clear enough for Zarbon to hear him. He stared down the taller alien without fear. ‘I’m going to kill you someday.’” - Dramatic irony, yo.

-Zarbon beating Vegeta so he didn’t have the last word is pretty good by not allowing Vegeta to be the ultimate badass yet and speak out against his superiors without consequence. Basically a way to make Vegeta flawed.

Cons

-”had gotten the impulse”: Part of me thinks that could be worded as “had an impulse” or maybe “had gotten an impulse”. “Had gotten” has each word serve the same purpose I think, though “gotten” certainly places more intent behind things.

-"He killed the red-skinned soldier with an energy ball so massive, the purple, egg-headed one he knew was Appule was nearly killed by the explosion as well. But before Vegeta could finish him off, the second alien ran away." - Is the “But” necessary in starting the second sentence? I think having it start with "Before" would fill the same purpose.

- I don’t think “being unable to find the words” makes much sense considering he already found the words, those being, Get up, father! Get up and kill him! I think something like “being unable to muster the words” would fit better.

-I don’t really like the soldier saying “sir” in every single line, feels like a bit too much. Even just getting rid of one sir (in the “Would you like to send a reply” line) could be better. It’s still fine as is though.

-Small suggestion more than anything but perhaps the line “He expected them to cheer him, to laud his remarkable feats for such a young boy” could be changed to not include the “young boy” part. My thought process for that this being Vegeta’s dream, he would consider his feats remarkable comparable to any person, which wouldn’t be far off the mark. The line still works just fine as it is, just suggesting a possible improvement.

-”When the attack hit the tyrant, a bright light overtook Vegeta’s sight, and though Frieza’s cackling continued, and it even seemed to grow louder…”: the “and though” in this sentence led me to think this was leading into something, but it goes into another “and”, with the “though” not referring to anything. It feels a little clunky because of that.

I think maybe switching it to something along the lines of ”When the attack hit the tyrant, a bright light overtook Vegeta’s sight. Frieza’s cackling continued, seeming to grow ever louder…” would flow a bit better.

-While, as I said, I like the dance of granddaddy alcoholics, it seems like there’s a contradiction, at least from what I can see. Kuriza says Ginyu would have to teach him that dance later, though the appendix seems to have it in reverse, with Kuriza taking up the dance and showing it to Ginyu.

Maybe it’s implying that Ginyu refined the dance even further, but I don’t think “teach” initially gives off that impression in any case. It could also be Kuriza teasing Ginyu, but again, in the text itself I don’t think it gives off that impression. I think having Ginyu being the one to have made the dance at the dinner party without showing anyone but his crew could get rid of the inconsistency.

-“Guldy don’t scream!” Shouldn’t this have a comma?

-Pretty sure calling Guldo “Sora” is keeping the joke of Kuriza not knowing him by name, and I’m sure it’s a reference to something. However, I’m not sure what that reference is (Kingdom Hearts maybe?) and Sora doesn’t really sound similar to Guldo, so the joke didn’t land for me personally. If it's a battle cry, as I feel was indicated later in the story, I think it wasn't conveyed the best.

-I don’t think the line “I have to get up. I don’t have time to feel pain” is necessary here. Certainly, some people may not be able to get the motive in this scene if he didn’t say it flat out, but I think him instantly going out of the pod and asking if Frieza wants to see him gives off the same, if not a very similar, idea in subtext.

-I’d consider the thing Frieza rides in to be a “hoverchair” rather than a “hovercar”.

-I feel there’s a slightly better choice of words Frieza could have called Vegeta other than “tough guy”. It feels a little too uncivil for him to say in his calm persona. I think even adding “certainly” before it would be good enough to maintain his civil dialogue.

-“I’ll clear the planet in two days” - Very tiny personal preference for the line, but I don’t think the word “days” is necessary, and works with Vegeta’s blunt nature.

-”This’ll be good. Another mission will make me stronger and keep me focused on what I should be focused.” - I think having two “focused”’s back to back is iffy. The second “focused” could be replaced with something like “should be done”.

Miscellaneous Notes

- King Vegeta bowing to Freeza and Kid Vegeta being there feels similar to what happened in BoG. I’m not sure if this was written before that scene so I’m not sure if that was intentional mirroring or a coincidence.

- So far the structure feels fast and loose with the events, not just in switching between past and present but between a few minutes, such as having Vegeta kill the alien before it goes into meeting them and destroying their scouters, which happened beforehand. Not a bad thing, just noting as unique.

-I could have sworn Guldo was around 9,000 by the time of Namek, and he’s still a kid here, right? I know Guldo wouldn’t train or anything, but considering he’s young here, I would think he’d start at around 7,000 or something and grow to 9,000 with age. Or maybe I’m wrong and his power level is closer to 12,000 on Namek, considering a few sources say as such.

-”Right now, Vegeta was stronger than his father had ever been. He was the strongest Saiyan in existence.” : Slightly mixed feelings with these lines. Yes, Vegeta is certainly one to proclaim himself as the strongest Saiyans in existence, though the idea of the Super Saiyan being heavily in his mind makes me consider even he would think the Super Saiyan millenia ago would be stronger. While millenia is certainly a long time ago, it isn’t all of existence.

-I don’t think I like Zarbon using his transformed state, based on the “ugliest face in the universe” line, since Vegeta indicated that he didn’t know Zarbon could transform on Namek. I suppose it can be interpreted that he was so battered and beaten that Vegeta thought he was hallucinating the looks, or just saw Zarbon’s regular face as incredibly ugly.

The latter is honestly good characterization, though I’m not sure if that’s too deep into subtext. Maybe, maybe not; I’m not an expert of the sort.

Chapter 2: You Left Me Here

Pros

-More dramatic irony here, which is generally decent.

-”It went off the charts at 24,000, and Vegeta turned his scouter off to prevent it from exploding.”- I like how this was mentioned to explain why it wouldn’t just break.

-The little mystery with what happened to the inhabitants of the planet was nice.

-I like how the strongest alien (seemingly) was taken out first, with the weaker one not being taken by surprise being more of a challenge.

-“The boy’s pride burned like a flickering candle in the echo chamber of his mind. He had to feed it. The surge of shame brought with it a surge of rage, and power too.” -  Good lines.

-The fight between the aliens for the sake of his own pride feels like a nice moment to show Vegeta’s flaw in his own pride being his greatest strength and weakness.

-”’Damn it, Dodoria!’ the plumber complained miserably, slamming the bathroom door behind him.” - Lol.

-I really like how Kuriza is written. Stuff like a guy who can destroy planets being unable to open a bag and destroying out of anger is fun stuff.

-”’When will he be back?’ the boy said carelessly. ‘Ginyu’s coming too, didya know?’ His face flushed with excitement suddenly. ‘He’s taking us on a secret mission.’” - D’aw for Kuriza liking Ginyu.

-”On the way, he ran into Orlen, who looked a lot like Appule, except he had fangs, and that made Kuriza scared of him, so he didn’t like him as much as Appule.” - This line feels like it has no real purpose, but it’s funny so I don’t care.

-”The stars hung bright, as if suspended in ice. It grew cold.” - I like the flow of these two sentences. It’s also supplemented in the next paragraph with “His muscles were on fire,” making it so Vegeta is experiencing extreme hotness and coldness simultaneously. I think it works, at least.

-”His belly rumbled, and he wondered what this planet’s natives tasted like. The ones on that last planet… they weren’t so bad, all things considered.” - Not sure why, but I like these lines. Just the idea of Vegeta enjoying eating aliens, I guess.

-”’Orlen, sir!’ the alien replied nervously, not daring to look the prince in the eyes. He was saluting like a space mall cop.” - Space mall cop is such a specifically silly comparison. Love stuff like that.

-”Sitting, he slipped it between his fingers, bringing it below the table, not looking at his father, and instantly using his well-practiced technique of getting the candy out of the wrapper without tearing it.” - I like the contrast of Kuriza being expertly able to open a candy wrapper yet completely incapable of opening a bag of chips.

-In general, I simply enjoy the scenes with Frieza and his men doing stuff.

-I like the scene with Nailo. The cliffhanger with Nailo attacking Vegeta is good too.

Cons

-For the dramatic irony thing, Frieza’s dialogue in the brief flashback feels slightly off to me. I think it’s because I don’t think the story indicated beforehand that Vegeta was unwilling to continue doing Frieza’s missions, seeming to be willing to take on any mission and ignoring his father. I don’t recall if this was from The Forgotten, where there was more build up to Frieza saying as such (though I know King Vegeta was agitated that Frieza was going to take his son), but in the context of this story, I don’t think it works super well.

-“They’re my favorite, please, I’m so hungry.” - Probably wrong on this, but I think the first comma should be a semi colon or a period instead of a comma. The comma works to give off Kuriza’s desperation and childish nature, I’m just not sure if it’s grammatically correct.

-”He’s passionate–he has a true warrior’s spirit. He deserves a true warrior’s death.” - Personal preference again, but I don’t like how so many “he”’s are used nearly back to back. From an alternative perspective rewriting the line: “He’s passionate - a true warrior’s spirit deserving of a true warrior’s death.”  

Miscellaneous Notes

-Minor note, but I’m not entirely sure if Vegeta should call Frieza “Lord” in his mind. It’s not out of the question or anything, especially with Vegeta still following Frieza’s orders, it just seems like his characterization has him be loyal out of necessity rather than choice.

-Is Space Sonikku a Sonic the Hedgehog reference?

Chapter 3: Know Your Place

Pros

-The opening sentence is really clever in giving the implication that Nailo brought him back for Zarbon to kill Vegeta personally, only for it to be confirmed as a false assumption in the next line.

-”’L-lord Frieza…!’ Zarbon said, startled. ‘Lighuri Finh is one of the largest farming worlds in the empire. We get more the ten percent of our food stores–’

‘Zarbon, do shut up and follow your orders for once.’ Oh, that was good. He got him good.” - Brutal but totally in character for Frieza.

-Decent conversation at the start.

-The fight with Asaio was short but sweet.

-”In truth, Kuriza should have listened to his father’s report on Kiwano during last week’s meeting, but his mind had always tended to wander when Lord Frieza rambled. There was something about Ginyu’s voice and non-verbal passion that held his interest.” - I do really like the bond Kuriza and Ginyu have had in the story so far.

-“‘Shame!’

‘Yeah! That guy had no style! Good riddance, I say… only he went and became a slaver after he defected!’

‘Filthy casual!’- Continuation from that last point.

-As a whole the conversation with Kuriza and Ginyu was very enjoyable.

-”He was going to be the emperor one day, after his father (and his uncles and grand uncles and nephews and nieces and cousins) died, so he had to practice imperial grace like this.” - I like this joke of him being so far back in line.

-”’Like this.’ He tossed each of them a permanent space marker. ‘My granddaddy makes these markers in his spare time, he’s an alcoholic,’ Kuriza explained.” - I’m not really sure how alcoholism correlates to making markers, but it’s a silly kinda funny thing that I like.

-”Especially on the eve of a spanking new mission (as it were)” - I like how this is phrased.

-As with all the other scenes with Kuriza, it was enjoyable. I particularly like the descriptors such as “a formal and rather angry pose” and “he would have liked nothing more than to knock roughly eighty percent of them out.

-”Weariness was descending upon the boy’s consciousness, and he was finding it hard keep being fancy. He wondered if that were true, and if his father had had to go through something like this when he had been but a boy. Had he always been so ruthless, so cunning, so unafraid? Or had he been weak, once upon a time?

No, somehow, Kuriza didn’t think so.” -  I like this brief moment of contemplation. After all, Kuriza had only seen his father with such power, presumably, so even imagining his dad as weak is understandable as an impossible thought.

-I like the brief correlation of Recoome having space badgers painted on his butt and with Sharlyk being a space badger (at least, so his dialogue implies). Him mentioning the Ginyu’s being on his back further makes that distinction. Butt of their jokes, or something more as the Ginyus are really right behind him.

-At the start of the chapter, I was wondering why Zarbon suggested Vegeta to be kept alive when before it was indicated that Zarbon wanted nothing more than him dead. However, utilizing Tarble brings the idea that he wanted to torture Vegeta mentally, rather than simply killing him. This doubly works in displaying the similarity Zarbon has with the space pirate, in both of them preferring torture rather than straight up murder.,

-I like how it’s a simple plumber that’s truly more kind and considerate than the false persona’s people like Zarbon and Frieza have. At the same time, he doesn’t really care that a soldier was killed at all. Perhaps being a lowly plumber made him lose all respect for simple soldiers on the ship, idk.

Cons

-I think Vegeta would consider lying to just take the compliment from Freeza, but with consideration that he already told Nailo everything so lying would be useless. I understand that it would be unprideful for Vegeta to know he failed, but I think the thought to try to maintain it in the face of others would still be there.

-”Asaio held out his hand to held Vegeta up, but he refused.” - I think the second “held” should be “help”.

-”Kuriza replied breathlessly, looking around. In the tanks before them were Asaio, Vegeta the Saiyan, and the new recruit Guldo, all healing up for the morning.” - I think this saying “Guldy” instead of “Guldo” would give slightly more consistency with Kuriza’s mindset.

-”Descending, Vegeta continued to breath hard.” - “breath” should be “breathe”.

Miscellaneous Notes

-”’It’s where the Ginyu Force lost their fifth member in a recent military operation,’ Zarbon said placidly.” - Rip.

-“Hey, Kuriza, remember, we’re heading out on the mission tomorrow. We can’t have half the team beaten senseless before we set out!” - Ginyu’s makin’ sense. - As always .<.

-”He didn’t need to be the strongest–he needed to improve his mental reaction times, his tactical thinking, and his battle strategy. All of this, Ginyu would teach Kuriza on this trip, just as he was bringing along the others to test them (without them knowing, of course) to see if any of them would be acceptable recruits for the Ginyu Force.” - Just noting as an interesting section about him not purely wanting power.

-Surprised there isn’t an appendix entry for space poodoo. Same for whatever nokashi is.

Chapter 4: Deep Seeded

Pros

-”It was really patriotic and stuff.” - I like how glossed over this is. Like, yeah, the readers probably understand that any inspiring speech Frieza would give would probably be propaganda of some sort.

-I just noted this now, but Kuriza and Ginyu fill the “big guy, little guy” pairing that Toriyama tended to use often. I like that.

-“‘No… ha, what a joke… oh, that’s not good at all… I bet you don’t have any style… that power… what the…? do you even…?’” - I like how wrapped up in his own mind he is with this dialogue.

-“‘Eighty, eh… that’ll do. You guys probably won’t survive this mission, but oh well. We could use a little cannon fodder, right everyone?’” Burter and Jeice murmured approvingly. No one else bothered to say anything.” - I like how Ginyu didn’t even bother to sugarcoat that the guys they were bringing were there to die. Very blunt and certainly a good contrast between Frieza giving a speech.

-“‘Good. You get the second strongest platoon of soldiers. That’s forty men. Don’t waste them.’” - I like how he says “second strongest” as if there were more than two platoons lol.

-As always, the antics with the Ginyu Force are enjoyable.

-Having a lot of planets to check for pirates has similarities to looking for the Dragon Balls, through going to different locales. I like that :).

-It’s a simple addition, but having Dodoria, Nappa and Guldo eating in a cafeteria gives some more life to the scene, rather than it being a simple conversation in a hallway or something.

- “‘Why do you think Ginyu took who he did?’ Silence. These two put together would be a formidable challenge for Recoome. ‘He’s testing them, you idiots! He wants to see who can take over the vacant position on the Ginyu Force.’ - Even though I haven’t really read any stories with Dodoria that heavily, not having him be a total buffoon/brute feels refreshing somehow.

-I do like the use of Time-Freeze so far. A lot of the times it was used, the perspective was from Guldo, so seeing it from other people’s point of view is interesting.

-I like how Burter’s notoriety is what puts them into (relative) danger.

-The follow-up with Vegeta’s hasty murdering of the soldiers is a good moment in showing his flaws. As is not noticing those flaws and still believing himself to be superior.

-I also like how Vegeta’s perception of being able to take Nailo by surprise is put into question by Nailo doing as such.

-The difference in the two platoons’ approaches is interesting, with words vs direct action.

-”Its eyes shown with fire, but at no point did Kuriza believe the Nidrazi was alive.” - This line stood out to me as particularly good.

-”If Kuriza hadn’t been a lazy boy and a boy who did not truly enjoy reveling in evil, he would have performed the courtesy of destroying the planet from space himself. But the Arcosian was too young, too naïve, too good-natured. He considered it, thought better of it, and leaned back in his chair, letting the pod take him home.” - This is a good paragraph to encapsulate the sheer difference between Kuriza and his father. Frieza seems to be born evil. Kuriza merely lives under it.

Cons

-"They met Lord Frieza at the door, who gave a muted speech about tracking down the lawless Slaver, destroying his illegitimate empire, and upholding the good of Frieza’s Force." - Not quite sure why “Slaver” is capitalized here at the start.

-”Oh, that’s a clever technique. Where’d you learn it from?’” - This is missing a “ at the first part of this sentence.

-It feels unlikely to me that thing with a power level of 14,000 could even injure guys like the Ginyu Force, though maybe I’m misinterpreting what actually happened. At its face though, it feels off.

-If there’s one thing I didn’t really like in the chapter was the complete lack of agency Jeice and Recoome had. They only say a few lines and just get injured. That stuff feels natural for a guy like Orlen, but with bigger characters like the Ginyu Force, I guess I expected just a little more out of them.

I certainly understand why they didn’t get much attention for the sake of keeping Ginyu’s stuff more concise, and I’m not even saying they have to be the main players or anything. Nevertheless I think even having one of them start discussions off with the employee (or saying something during the conversation) could go a long way to making them feel more included. I should note that this isn’t even a major issue, just something I thought about after reading it that, uh, irked me I suppose. Part of it is probably my bias for liking them as a whole, to be honest.

Miscellaneous Notes

-”They bowed their heads, cowering in shame. There was nothing they could say. Pathetic. I was that strong before I knew how to walk.” - Not entirely sure who’s saying those last two lines. Admittedly, leaving it up for interpretation is probably a good thing, since people can think it to be Kuriza, Ginyu or Vegeta. My position is Vegeta though.

-”Everyone jumped forward, Burter and Jeice and Recoome assuming their stupid fighting poses behind Ginyu.” - How rude!

List of Favorite to Least Favorite 

1. Dragon Ball Z: The story of Androids!

2. Dragon Ball Universe 1