This one was conceived of pretty early into my rewatch of Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, and Dragon Ball Super to get ideas for I Wouldn't Want to Be a Fish Right Now. I came up with long before the Majin Buu arc. I did not have the plot for it figured out until I got to the episode where Gohan pulls the Z Sword out of the rock, however. I remember that when I saw that, I knew exactly what I was going to do with this story.
The primary reason this story exists is to show just how stupid Shin is, and why he is that way. It's partly that he's a Supreme Kai of low potential, but also because his previous master taught him very little. This all goes back to Shin's infamous "28 planets" comment in Dragon Ball Super, a comment that is of course non-canon because it makes no sense. There are obviously more than 28 planets from the amount of species that have been introduced, as well as the number of other planets that have already been seen. So, to reinforce the idea that Shin is just simply stupid and mistaken, this story was written.
I began writing this story on November 22, 2019, but did not make much progress. Over the next week or so I only managed to write a sentence or two. Then, on November 29th, I sat down and write the entire first draft in about 56 minutes. I don't remember having any issues with the first draft, like with Bean Daddy. I later returned to this story on April 4, 2020, to do my first edit. During this editing period, I added several hundred words to the final draft, including much of the opening conversation between Shin and Oinaru. That conversation was significantly shorter in the first draft, and that was no good - I needed to show their relationship in a bit more depth before Oinaru commits suicide.
Because of how significant these edits were, I was not prepared to finalize the story before doing another round of edits the next day. That second round of edits did not take me very long, so I finalized the story then and there, and then moved onto editing Bean Daddy about an hour later (I finalized that story shortly after and posted the three to the wiki once I was done). This one is a quickie, like Welcome to Rapture. I did not spend a long time on it, and it was not difficult to write, even though I did substantially edit it.
Additionally, its build up of Jo-ha-kyū is not so much centered around Oinaru killing himself, but around the fact that the Grand Supreme Kai knew that he did that and didn't step in to stop him, thus leading to Shin's promotion. The double suicide, as it were, is part of the build up, even though it is a comedic climax. The climax for this story, thus, is the shortest of the three jo-ha-kyū stories. Anyways, let's get onto the endnotes. I don't expect there will be too much to say about this one.
Story[edit | edit source]
One afternoon, not more than ten million years ago, the Eastern Supreme Kai was sitting at a table under the shade of the immense Kaiju tree that had birthed him, sipping tea while perusing a catalogue of scantily-clad witches from the eastern galaxy. “I like me a good tit,” he declared. “The bigger the better. I like ‘em squishy as a pillow.”
“Very good, Master,” said his attendant, who stood opposite the table, next to a tea cart. Although two chairs had been set, he had yet to take his, instead standing awkwardly and eyeing the kettle. He had not poured himself a cup. A twinge of crimson embarrassment had crept onto his cheeks.
“Shin, what do you think?” He held up the open magazine, showing off a significantly salacious scene to his servant. “Are you a fan of D cups, or do you like them smaller?”
“I have never thought about those things, Master Oinaru.”
“Which is why I’m asking you now.”
He squirmed, distracting himself from the issue by pouring himself some tea and taking a seat. “I, uh, well… I guess I don’t really have a preference.”
“Mmm,” Oinaru replied with a nod. “I used to be of a similar mindset. The more one delves into one’s own desires and preferences, the more one’s tastes become unmistakably defined. You’ll understand someday soon.”
He flicked through a few more pages; Shin refilled his cup after a short period of silence. He watched his master fixate upon the magazine, his mouth moving, but no words coming out. He was quite clearly rehearsing a rant while indulging in his lust simultaneously. He went on like that for several minutes, as he often did.
At long last, his patience broke. “And you know, well, I don’t care what the Grand Supreme Kai says. He has a gluttonous mind. While it is true that he is unnaturally powerful–a generational talent–then what does that make me? Am I not the most technically gifted prodigy to ever come from the great Kaiju?”
“I believe so.” Shin poured him a third cup of Green Liani, which the Supreme Kai gulped down in little more than three seconds. “You did defeat the South Supreme Kai in an arm wrestling match.”
“His strength is greater than the Grand Supreme Kai’s, but he lacks the wisdom to fully utilize his advantage in combat. That is where I have him outclassed. Our powers are similar–he might even be that little bit stronger. I have no trouble conceding as much. Even so, I am the youngest Supreme Kai in history, Shin, not only because of my strength, but because of my mind. I never had to be an attendant like you. There has never been a more capable Supreme Kai than myself. I would be the senior member of our group if not for my age.”
He closed the magazine, looking to his attendant with narrowed eyes. “Stop groveling, Shin.”
“I said stop.”
“You really are stupid. Has anyone ever told you that before? I expect not.”
That one, he didn’t deign to respond to.
“Pour me another cup.” His servant did so, looking down and blushing. “This is good tea.”
“The best in the universe, Master.”
“Yes, yes. I’m feeling it, Shin. How about we go to the Z Sword and pluck it free from the rock? I think it’s time. I am the strongest Supreme Kai in recorded history. If any of us could do it, it should be me.”
He couldn’t disagree.
His master didn’t empty his bladder before going. That astounded Shin. Despite wanting to raise a voice in rational protest, the attendant went along with him without saying a word. It was not like he could stop Oinaru from his folly; raising his voice would only get him yelled at. The Eastern Supreme Kai had his mind set, and that was that. Shin had really learned how to make a kettle of water boil, and in that, he had become an expert. In all other matters, he was forced to defer to those of higher ranks.
It was a short flight to the plateau. The servant had been half expecting one of the other Supreme Kais to be up there, to offer a voice in opposition to Master Oinaru’s fancies, but the place was surprisingly empty. This was an unusual time period in the Supreme Kais’ history, as there were currently five of them. Shin too had been born of the golden fruit, which might have made them be worth six in technicality, but he was only an apprentice at this time.
It was a sunny day, a clear day, a day without rain clouds or tempest winds. The Eastern Supreme Kai landed next to the sword stuck in the rock. Legend had it that the Destroyer had left it there more than sixty million years ago. No Supreme Kai had been able to pull it out since. Supposedly, whoever managed to do so would be granted a godly power. Nobody quite knew what that meant. This was one of the more intriguing mysteries of the Sacred World of the Kais.
A loyally daft student though he was, Shin had spent many years in the Supreme Kais’ library, studying the histories of the previous generations. There were many tales of Supreme Kais who had tried to pull the Z Sword from this rock. None had so much as made it move a millimeter. Some of the histories had hinted at a powerful chosen one being the only person capable of removing the sword. If anyone was to be that chosen one, it had to be Master Oinaru. While it was true that the Eastern Supreme Kai was a prodigy, he was a lazy man, and he seemed no less capable of pulling the sword free than those who had failed before him, who were remembered only in obscure, dust-coated tomes.
“Master, do you really think this is a good idea?”
“Shut up, Shin. If you’re going to try to talk me out of this, you may as well go.”
He sucked in a whole lot of air, but didn’t do anything with it.
“I’ll pull the sword out. I won’t even break a sweat. Watch me.”
He did. Indeed, the young attendant, who was surely too novice to ever ascend to the role of Supreme Kai, watched passively as his mentor bit his lip and pulled as hard as he could. To say he pulled hard would, in the minds of most Kais, conjure up sexual images, but no such corruption had seeped into Shin’s empty brain.
“Ahh! Hnggg!!” the man yelled courageously. It was difficult for his servant to notice his face becoming pinker–almost purple–as he grit his teeth and pulled with all his might. Never before had there appeared a Supreme Kai of so fine a power level, of such grace, of such class.
Oinaru pulled and pulled, and it wasn’t enough, and eventually a spurt of purple blood shot out of his ear, he exhaled, fell over, and let go of the hilt. Shin did not know what to make of this. He had never seen blood spurt from a Supreme Kai’s ear before, so he boiled some water in his kettle as he rolled his tea trolley forward, preparing an emergency batch of Green Liani. However, when he pulled up to his master, that stellar teacher who had taught him very little, he realized the man was dead.
He was horrified, psychologically scarred for life. And yet, nothing prepared him for what happened next.
Oinaru, the former child prodigy, the Supreme Kai who had been prophesied to, in his wisdom and unmatched grace, raise the universe’s mortal level several times over, stood again, a halo floating over his head.
“S-sir…” stammered the servant.
“Shut up, Shin.”
Once more, he watched his master struggle and strain and kill himself again.
This time, he faded from reality, like he was dissolving away had the Destroyer grown impatient with him. Shin gasped, but there was nothing he could have done to stop it. His master was truly gone for good.
He covered his mouth; the Grand Supreme Kai landed where the Eastern Supreme Kai had disappeared, his gaze focused on Shin. “You know what that means, I hope.” Shin’s lip twitched; he had no words. He did not know why the Grand Supreme Kai hadn’t stopped Oinaru from doing that to himself, but it would have been rude for him to make note of that. The portly Kai shrugged with his eyebrows. “This is going to be more difficult than I thought.”
The fat man couldn’t help but giggle, and Shin, confused, knew not how to respond. He was a poor, dumb bore. The Grand Supreme Kai, in a piggish way, threw a pair of green potara earrings over to him. He caught one, at least. That would certainly go down in the annals of history.
“This won’t be easy with someone like you, but I’ll try my best. Six million years should get you up to speed, I hope.”
The newly-promoted Eastern Supreme Kai was elated. He thought of himself as rather clever, even if he had not learned much from Oinaru. In spite of his airheadedness, Shin perceived that he cared not for his deceased master any longer. It was like a burden being lifted from his shoulders. The man had done it to himself. Justice had been served. He felt neither sadness nor loss with his master’s passing, only a dull euphoric feeling building in the pit of his stomach.
Endnotes[edit | edit source]
- The name of this story comes from combining beta male, which is what Shin is, with the Z Sword. Pretty obvious title, I think. I really hate Shin, so my disrespect of him in the title should be no surprise.
- Shin and Oinaru talking about breasts kind of reminds me of some of the conversations I've had with HZ (non-sexual ones, actually). The way that Shin goes about replying is very much like how Hyper Zergling can get sometimes, hiding behind indecisiveness to not give an answer.
- Shin has always been a prude in canon, so I thought it would be funny if his master was like Old Kai and made him squirm uncomfortably with the stuff he said.
- None of the Supreme Kais should be horny. They don't have sexual organs. They grow from a tree. Toriyama gets very tropey and archetypal with his characters, so having Old Kai be Roshi 2.0 in his depravity was comfortable for him, but made no sense lore-wise. I was poking fun at that idea throughout this story. I don't think Shin has a preference for boob size because he shouldn't be a sexual being to begin with.
- "“I used to be of a similar mindset. The more one delves into one’s own desires and preferences, the more one’s tastes become unmistakably defined. You’ll understand someday soon.”" - I have found this to be personally true with some small exceptions. There was a time where I was into breast milk for like less than a day and then that fetish disappeared from my brain and I find it disgusting now. How would Oinaru explain that, eh?
- The way Oinaru rehearses his rant is like how my father does such things, although my father tends to speak out loud in a low, quiet voice instead of just mouthing the words.
- There is some element of parallelism between Oinaru and Shin with Gowasu and Zamasu. The tea stuff especially reminds me of similar scenes in Mountain Bird.
- "And you know, well, I don’t care what the Grand Supreme Kai says." - this is the first hint at the climax of this story. What can be inferred from this line is that the Grand Supreme Kai specifically told Oinaru not to attempt to break the Z Sword from its rock, as he would not be able to succeed. This hurts Oinaru's pride, making him react how he does later on, literally killing himself twice for his pride's sake.
- Green Liani is a tea that is also used in Mountain Bird. It's a beverage that shows up in a few stories of mine, and will continue to do so even if its homeworld of origin, Loru Qir, is destroyed at some point.
- Hyper Zergling thought I was meaner to Oinaru than Shin in this story, but the way Oinaru treats Shin in my opinion is pretty bad. He outright calls the apprentice stupid and belittles him with every other breath. Of course Shin is stupid, so it had to be put out there, but I think Oinaru was a little too mean about it.
- I think it was the caffeine in the tea that made Oinaru want to pull the Z Sword from its rock.
- "His master didn’t empty his bladder before going. That astounded Shin. Despite wanting to raise a voice in rational protest, the attendant went along with him without saying a word." - Shin, the dullard, gets tripped up over the most inane things. Raising his voice in protest to his master doing something stupid is not something Shin would do, but not going to the bathroom first? That was outrageous in Shin's mind, showing just how poor his instincts and priorities are.
- "Shin had really learned how to make a kettle of water boil, and in that, he had become an expert. In all other matters, he was forced to defer to those of higher ranks." - this, specifically, is why Shin's 28 planet comment is wrong. He doesn't know anything. Anyone can make water boil. It's about the easiest thing to do in the world. You just put the water on the burner and wait. Of course, Shin fancies himself an expert at it, which says enough about his level of intellect in and of itself.
- I think it's unlikely that it ever rains or gets gusty on the Sacred World of the Kais.
- I didn't want to make Shin out to be too stupid, as that would be too easy. If he was like Patrick from Spongebob, for example, that would not be fun. Therefore, he studied in the Supreme Kais' library for many years, retaining some information. The joke that came of this was better in my opinion - that he put the effort in, that he studied a bunch, but that he's still stupid. He's a Supreme Kai of low potential in my opinion, and putting the library bit in helped me explain that.
- "While it was true that the Eastern Supreme Kai was a prodigy, he was a lazy man, and he seemed no less capable of pulling the sword free than those who had failed before him, who were remembered only in obscure, dust-coated tomes." - this sentence hints at perhaps my favorite recurring theme in all of my fanons - that of prodigies lost to time, forgotten by all. Shin read about them, of course, but he's so stupid that he doesn't remember them so well, so it's almost as if he wasted all his time in the library.
- "He sucked in a whole lot of air, but didn’t do anything with it." - this is how I think of Shin even when he speaks.
- I had some fun with Shin after Oinaru died. Of course he has never witnessed death in person before. This is the first person he's ever seen die, so he doesn't know what to do. Boiling the water was a good move on his part. It's what he knows. It's not like Shin has come up with any better strategies before or after in his life.
- Oinaru was a prodigy in the same way Zamasu was, but fucked up in a different way. He ended up erasing himself, but oh what could have been. That is one of the major themes of this story - what could have been with Oinaru? And we end up with Shin, a Supreme Kai not fit to wash his shoelaces. It must be said that, as smart as he was, Oinaru did it to himself.
- The Grand Supreme Kai was watching Oinaru kill himself and did not intervene. Perhaps he's a bit more devious than one might think. Or perhaps he was tired of an elitist, smarmy asshole ruining the vibe of the Sacred World of the Kais.
- Shin can catch potara earrings better than Gohan can, at least.
- Shin might've become something special in six million years. However, Majin Buu and Babidi appeared roughly 6 million years later, so the poor East Supreme Kai wasn't able to finalize his training. That is another reason why he's so dumb.
- "The man had done it to himself. Justice had been served. He felt neither sadness nor loss with his master’s passing, only a dull euphoric feeling building in the pit of his stomach." - these lines are accurate to one of the underlying themes in all of the I Wouldn't Want to Be a Fish Right Now one-shots. This theme is also why I chose "You Can’t Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones to be the theme song of this collection.
I enjoy this story a lot. It scratches me just where I itch when it comes to my hate of Shin. What a pathetic, dumb bore he is. I am glad to have written this, for it makes me laugh, and I think the prose came out better than I could have hoped. Oinaru killing himself twice in a row was a nice joke because you can't really do that in any other universe. I think this was a creative story, and it deals with some thematic content with this collection in a stronger way than Welcome to Rapture and Bean Daddy did, in my opinion.
<---- Part 127
Part 129 ---->