This story was written for TeamUnitedNerds' The Random Contest For Randos. Basically, that was a contest to write a story about the first random page you get on Dragon Ball Wiki. I got Goku's Alive!!, the last episode of the Frieza Saga of DBZ. Not gonna lie, that's a really terrible page to write a story about, and I was quite disappointed by my entry. I really didn't want to participate in the contest as a result. However, as it got closer and closer to the deadline, I realized that neither Destructivedisk and WaffleMinifigure were going to post their entries, and due to how the voting works, there needed to be at least three entries. So on the night before this story was due, I wrote it.
While my random page was a terrible one, I certainly had ideas. I had four main ideas: one, to write a very short comedic story about Gohan's and Dende's love for each other, based on TFS DBZ Abridged's handling of this episode (it's very weird that they were holding hands like that before Dende is teleported away at the end of the episode); to write a story about the frog Captain Ginyu being the king of the pond in Dr. Brief's garden; to write a story about Moori's golfing journey in the 130 days it took Porunga to recharge; and to write a story about Vegeta after he runs off and steals Dr. Brief's spaceship about halfway through the episode.
I ultimately went with option #4, as I thought it had the potential to not only be funny, but expand upon Vegeta's character and show some cool aspects of the remnants of the PTO. I had a particular image in my mind of a mission Nappa and Raditz went on without Vegeta where they got statues for saving a planet from some menace. Y'know, living on beyond death and all that. This is thematically tied to the Shelley's Ozymandias poem that is my favorite poem of all time and that I've referenced (and has influenced me) many times before. Again, this is mostly based on TFS Abridged when Vegeta and Nappa go to Arlia and Nappa complains that he never got to be a hero. I did want to show another side of Nappa. This would allow Vegeta to reflect on his past and on his future, since the episode I got was like the first instance of Bulma showing romantic feelings towards Vegeta. After having just written He's a Baaad Man, I was in the mood for more Vegeta/Bulma stuff. If I had not written that story shortly before this contest, I would have probably done the Captain Ginyu idea.
I got super drunk before writing this story, to the point of throwing up violently afterwards. I rarely get that drunk, and I don't know why I drank so much. I drank nearly an entire bottle of vodka. There were some things going on in my life when I wrote this story, not going to lie, and that's probably why I felt the need to drink so much, but I'm not going to talk about that stuff. Anyways, I was blackout drunk, so I don't actually remember writing this story, nor even posting it on this wiki. I have no idea what this story is about, as I haven't ever read it. I don't think I edited it or proofread it either. So when I read it for this commentary, that will be the first time I've ever read it. I mean, I know what the prompt was about and what ideas I had before sitting down to write, but I don't know how it all turned out. We'll see how it goes. Neither TUN or Creeperman seemed to like it though, as neither of them voted for it, so that doesn't bode well. It will be interesting for me at least to compare this to their stories, as I reviewed both of theirs before voting in the contest, and to be frank, I didn't like either of their stories. TUN's probably has a chance to be better than this one, but I would be shocked if Creeperman's Pokopen's story is better than this one. We'll see. Onto the endnotes!
“Baboons go down easy,” Dikwik muttered, sucking methane and staring Vegeta down.
“Do you know where Kakarot is or not? Keep wasting my time, and I’ll blast you away!”
The Prince of all Saiyans was a handsome bloke, with a widow’s peak that hinted at an early bout of male pattern baldness. He wouldn’t put up with sass from space trash such as this man. When he raised his hand, a white-hot ki blast forming, the turtle-midget alien crumpled to the ground, shaking and begging.
“Please, sir, I’d never lie to you. I haven’t seen a Saiyan in years, not since the Great War!!”
Vegeta folded his arms and looked like he had a banana shoved deep in his earhole. “What are you talking about, fool?!”
A fool he was; a fool he’d die. Dikwik stuttered and regained his feet, and suddenly, he was breathing methane like a meth addict named Wallaby Jenkins whom Vegeta had met when he had been 26 years old in a space bar on Planet Frieza 104. “Years ago, two Saiyans visited our planet and saved us from a horrible tyrant! We erected statues of them ever since! We are loyal to the Saiyans, promise!”
It was too good to believe. Dikwik the turtle alien without a shell, mind you, but a methane apparatus that made Vegeta wonder how such a creature had evolved on a non-methane planet. Dikwik the emissary of a noble world of disgusting aliens who copulated in ways Vegeta would not imagine, led the prince to the balcony, looking down on the city of Tar-jeki. “It was more than twenty years ago,” the turtle fella pined. “They saved us from a grave threat.”
The statue of Nappa was unmistakable. The man who stood next to him was more obscure. His face had been rubbed to blank, polished pink marble. But his hair… like a Super Saiyan 3 (no spoilers for lil ‘geta’s sake tho)... he knew who that was.
It must have been during one of Vegeta’s missions with Frieza and the others that his monkey buddies had snuck off on a mission. It didn’t surprise him that they had played the heroes in his absence. “Who did they kill?”
“Our king, Peepdip the Great,” Dikwik said in a hushed tone. “He was a tyrant!! The Saiyans destroyed him and his guards, and we regained control of our planet.”
“That doesn’t sound like Nappa,” Vegeta grumbled.
“They gave us three strange little creatures known as Saibamen as a present. It was very nice of them.”
“That sounds like Nappa.”
“After the Saiyans left, the Saibamen killed half of our population and took over the planet. Their leader, a red-skinned ape calling himself Tunero-markat, was particularly fierce.”
“I don’t care. Tell me where Kakarot is,” Vegeta said with a little bit of venom.
Dikwik could not approve of such a request. It was raining lightly. Vegeta stared down upon the nobly-wrought visage of Nappa and the faceless power-level-of-a-Saibaman disgrace. It was really emotional. “So you don’t know where Kakarot is?” he asked the alien.
“No, we’ve never even heard of him!”
“Ack… why am I wasting my time with you fools?”
“Please!” Dikwik fell to his knees, all dramatic and such. “Save our planet.”
“What are you blabbering on about?”
“The Saibamen… they’ve gone rogue!”
“They have, have they?”
“Half of our population was slaughtered at their hands. Currently, they are occupying the southern continent, but we have been preparing an assault against them. I do not know if we will be successful. It would be better if someone of your caliber-”
How was Kakarot a Super Saiyan? There was a boy who once told him: ‘I’m not a slut, but who knows?’. That made Vegeta purr at night, and that’s part of the reason he so detested Yamcha. You’re cute, she had said to him. That was pretty homosexual, and had not Bulma been a female hominin, that would have been rather awkward.
“I’m not doing it,” Vegeta declared dispassionately.’
“But our race will be destroyed if you don’t help us!!”
Vegeta left that world quickly. He left Dikwik and all of his friends in pursuit of Kakarot. All that mattered to him was that Kakarot was found. The atlantic was burning. He was alone in this world of desire and express concern. There was nothing else a Prince of All Saiyans could do. He returned to his space pod, and once in space, he obliterated that fuckihng planet, that useless abode for useless sentients. To exist is to know, and hose turtle bitches knew less that Vegeta deemed reprehensible.
How had Nappa and Raditz saved this world? Had they been so fucking stupid that they had pretended to be heroes? He hated them even more than last night. “Heeeeeeeey Vegeta…!” a voice echoed in his mind.
It was a familiar name, but not one he wanted to acknowledge. Vegeta needed to figure out how to become a Super Saiyan. That female… Bulma… she knew just how to caress his emotions. You’re cute, she had said to him. He was a warrior, a man of steel, but it meant nothing.
He felt the ki warming in his hand. It was easy to destroy this world. But Kakarot… that fool was out there somewhere, training with someone. Vegeta knew what was going on. He wanted to reunite with the low-class Saiyan. He wanted to know why that bastard had become a Super Saiyan and not him.
“Please, my lord. We have faithfully served the Saiyans for years.”
They had served the Planet Trade Organization. He was done with them. A dead empire does not bleed. Vegeta produced a purple ball of ki and shot it at Dikwik. The bitch didn’t dodge the attack. He vaporized with a breath of air all of those who stood against him.
The magnificent display, which gave its thanks to Nappa and Raditz, was melted. Vegeta would not suffer their pride. He shot Dikwit ihn the face, ahnd the turtle alien died. No, he did notknow where Kakort was, nor would he find him soon, but at least Vegeta had managed to kill all of the turtle alien fuckers who made a statue of Raditz and Nappa. They were meant to burn, and so they did. Thus went the blood, to oblivion. They died and burned, and all Vegeta could think of was that Earth woman’s comments: You’re cute, she had said. Why don’t you live at my place?
He remembered placing the pink shirt over his head, suffering a slight no man should suffer. But he had done it all because Vegeta, Prince of the Saiyans, had thought of Bulma’s puse, and the hair that must be growing down there. In his dreams, he pressed his hand against her cunt and felt on hair. That was enough for the prince, Vegeta knew. That was enough for a real man.
- I was too drunk to come up with a name, and I just can't be bothered when I'm drunk. I had to get the story posted and I was in no state of mind to come up with a cool name, so there you go. This is a good name for this story, I think, as opposed to A Space Christmas Story. I quite liked Creeperman's contest more than TeamUnitedNerds' contest, and I think that is reflected in the effort I put into these two stories.
- Dikwik's name is a reference to this. His quote is something grunts will say in Halo 2. Dikwik physically looks similar to the Halo grunts.
- "“Do you know where Kakarot is or not? Keep wasting my time, and I’ll blast you away!”" - this was a half-hearted attempt to keep the story serious and give it some backstory and plot.
- "A fool he was; a fool he’d die." - really like this line.
- Wallaby Jenkins and similar-sounding names occur frequently in drunken or high stories of mine. I'm sure there have been a few Jenkins (perhaps Barnabys) in Baby You're a Rich Man.
- "and suddenly, he was breathing methane like a meth addict named Wallaby Jenkins whom Vegeta had met when he had been 26 years old in a space bar on Planet Frieza 104" - this is something I considered putting in His Majesty's Pet when I wrote it. I don't think I will, though. HMP will no longer cover all of Vegeta's life under Frieza.
- "“Years ago, two Saiyans visited our planet and saved us from a horrible tyrant! We erected statues of them ever since! We are loyal to the Saiyans, promise!”" - this is a fun, cool twist. So look at that. There is historical evidence of Raditz and Nappa not being mindless evil dudes after all. As to how and why they saved the planet from the dictator, I cannot guess. Also, I remember that originally there was going to be a Saibaman rebellion on the planet that the two subdue. Don't remember why I took that out.
- "Dikwik the turtle alien without a shell, mind you, but a methane apparatus that made Vegeta wonder how such a creature had evolved on a non-methane planet." - good joke, kayveeeeeeeeee.
- "Dikwik the emissary of a noble world of disgusting aliens who copulated in ways Vegeta would not imagine, led the prince to the balcony, looking down on the city of Tar-jeki." - good wit in this sentence. This is more akin to my high humor than drunk humor, too, which is odd. Also, Tar-jeki is a great name for an alien city and I may be using that in a future story of mine.
- "The statue of Nappa was unmistakable. The man who stood next to him was more obscure. His face had been rubbed to blank, polished pink marble. But his hair… like a Super Saiyan 3 (no spoilers for lil ‘geta’s sake tho)... he knew who that was." - I thought it would be interesting if Nappa's face isn't faded from time but Raditz's is to mimic their role in galactic history. Neither is very important, sure, but I'd argue that Nappa has had a significant impact on galactic history while Raditz has not. I mean, taking Nappa all the way from Dragon Ball: The Great War, it's easy to forget how significant a person he's been. He's the last surviving tribe leader, one of the last Saiyans ever. Raditz is too, but Raditz is weak and pathetic and not even Vegeta or Nappa considered him to be anything special.
- "It must have been during one of Vegeta’s missions with Frieza and the others that his monkey buddies had snuck off on a mission." - in His Majesty's Pet, this will happen semi-frequently, I think. Not entirely sure about this yet.
- The name Peepdip (awesome name) is also from the afore-linked Jim and Derrick youtube vid.
- Dikwik accidentally calls Tunero-markat an ape. Had he known about the Saiyans' Great Ape forms, he probably wouldn't have said that. This comment also reveals that Raditz and Nappa didn't need to transform to save this planet.
- Nappa loves Saibamen. Growing them is one of his hobbies. It makes sense to me that he would gift them to people he likes. I had something similar happen in A Space Christmas Story, too, though that is merely a coincidence.
- Tunero-markat isn't a great name, but it's a name with significant meaning. I was quite angry when I wrote that part.
- "It was raining lightly. Vegeta stared down upon the nobly-wrought visage of Nappa and the faceless power-level-of-a-Saibaman disgrace. It was really emotional." - poking fun at my own writing style a bit here.
- "“Ack… why am I wasting my time with you fools?”" - I detest this line.
- I don't remember making the Saibamen still be alive. Seems like plot convenience to me!
- "How was Kakarot a Super Saiyan? There was a boy who once told him: ‘I’m not a slut, but who knows?’. That made Vegeta purr at night, and that’s part of the reason he so detested Yamcha. You’re cute, she had said to him. That was pretty homosexual, and had not Bulma been a female hominin, that would have been rather awkward." - one of my favorite jokes in this story is the first line. Vegeta just straight up ignores Dikwik in that sentence. It's sudden and absolute and provides some great character insight into Vegeta. I really like that. I have no memory of writing the second sentence, nor what it is referencing. If I had to guess, it's probably Ledas. The way Bulma is worked into this story is sudden and not evenly-paced. I was trying to portray Vegeta's mind racing at this point. Also, Yamcha's a cuck.
- Vegeta's not entirely good now. Also, I just love nihilism, and I see it reflected in the idea that Vegeta, as a good guy, won't play the good guy and save the planet, while Nappa and Raditz, veritable bad guys, played the good guys and saved the planet in the past). This parallel and contrast is something I probably didn't do on purpose, but it's still pretty cool.
- "The atlantic was burning. He was alone in this world of desire and express concern." - I believe I was listening to Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie when I wrote these lines. Won't be saying more about the significance of that song other than to note that it'll probably be the theme song of His Majesty's Pet.
- "To exist is to know, and [t]hose turtle bitches knew less tha[n] Vegeta deemed reprehensible." - Poor Vegeta, trying to be a bad guy. Don't you know there's no black and white? Frieza made him into what he was, and now Frieza's dead. Now Vegeta can get his beautiful pink shirt.
- "How had Nappa and Raditz saved this world? Had they been so fucking stupid that they had pretended to be heroes? He hated them even more than last night. “Heeeeeeeey Vegeta…!” a voice echoed in his mind." - echoes of TFS Nappa here. Nappa talks like this in A Space Christmas Story too.
- I was trying very hard with the "you're cute" comments. Vegeta is a Saiyan and a wonderful warrior. He's not attuned to a woman's advances, nor the ways of love in general (though that's not to say he's some virgin loser). Yet he cannot shake her presence in his mind. He gets only a small taste of her before he runs off in the episode I was working with. So this is still in the infant stages of their relationship. He's a Baaad Man is much later (roughly a year after he gets his pink shirt on the night Bulma breaks up with Yamcha). Vegeta is kind of swayed by her cuteness, which is a callback to how he viewed her on Namek (referring to her as a gorgeous woman). He can't shake her, even now. Even when he's trying not to freak out about not being a Super Saiyan (hence his doomed trip to find Goku which I'm sure he knows is doomed), he thinks of Bulma. That's very telling. It's cute.
- "He was a warrior, a man of steel, but it meant nothing." - this nihilism hits me harder than my edible.
- "A dead empire does not bleed." - this is great quote. I think I made it up, not sure though. As Vegeta's mind races, he turns his anger on dead, forgotten things. No accident there.
- So yeah, bit of a continuity error with Dikwik being alive again. Or maybe he's not. Maybe Vegeta's tripping hard because he's emotional and scared and in love and doesn't know how to react.
- "... but at least Vegeta had managed to kill all of the turtle alien fuckers who made a statue of Raditz and Nappa. They were meant to burn, and so they did. Thus went the blood, to oblivion. They died and burned, and all Vegeta could think of was that Earth woman’s comments: You’re cute, she had said. Why don’t you live at my place?" - I love the nihilism in this section, because it strengthens Vegeta's love of Bulma. Yes he realizes that nothing means anything, that nothing is anything. Significance is a passing thing. He sees the statues of Nappa and Raditz and gets a profound feeling of aware. This is a Japanese sensibility, yes, but guess what, Dragon Ball comes out of Japanese culture. So it's all good, baby. Let the gravy roll. He also feels the passing of the Planet Trade Organization, which is, in his mind, absolute at this point. Of course it isn't. Empire break-ups are messy affairs, and the PTO continues to persist in a much-reduced capacity far beyond the 776 Age. Of course, they are reduced in several massive battles (most of which have yet to be shown in The History of the Decline and Fall of the Planet Trade Organization as of writing this commentary) and members of Frieza's family dying, but they do threaten significantly all the way until Dragon Ball: Heart of the Dragon. More on that in later stories ;). Anyways, out of nihilism comes love. I reject the notion that nihilism is a pessimistic world view. In fact, it is quite the opposite: if nothing matters, then any devotions or loyalties or focuses have greater weight than before. Knowing nothing matters and choosing to care anyways shows how much that thing means to someone. Vegeta doesn't realize it yet, but Bulma means a great deal to him. He won't really embrace his love of her until after Cell, though, so at this point in the story (the last episode of the Frieza Saga), Vegeta is not yet there. But there are seedlings and little hopes in his personality that show where he will end up.
- "He remembered placing the pink shirt over his head, suffering a slight no man should suffer." - this is a continuity error, as Vegeta doesn't get the pink shirt until after he returns from this journey (he gets the shirt the day he returns, in fact). I was too drunk and kind of blurred together my memory of Vegeta's history from post-Frieza to King Cold's appearance, which is admittedly kind of a mess in general, but whatever.
- "But he had done it all because Vegeta, Prince of the Saiyans, had thought of Bulma’s puse, and the hair that must be growing down there. In his dreams, he pressed his hand against her cunt and felt on hair. That was enough for the prince, Vegeta knew. That was enough for a real man." - this is based on a real experience I had with a Japanese girl I went on a date with. Long story short: I slept in her bed with her, but we didn't have sex. However, I found out that she had pubic hair, as I had suspected for many weeks.
I won't be considering this story canon to my universe, but I will be rating it. I think it's a valiant attempt at what I was trying to do. Off-the-wall plotting here with a unique way to character Vegeta. I find it beautiful, but maybe that's because I'm high. Who the fuck knows or cares. I enjoyed it. I think this story is better than either TUN's or Creeperman's stories. I don't blame Creeperman for voting TUN. Obviously it's just my opinion that my story's better. But I do think my story is clearly better than Creeperman's at least, and TUN was playing some fuccboi shenanigans with his vote. Eh, whatever. This was a nice little tale with some promising subtlety. Subtlety and minimalism have become hallmarks of my stories since the latter part of 2016 and onward, and that is seen here. I get more into that in my A Short-Lived Dream anthologies, though. Anyways, I quite liked this short little tale, but it wasn't perfect, and it's not canon. Overall, I'd give This is a contest story an A.
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