So this was a story I wrote in late march of 2017. It was written a short while after I heard about the infamous Shin comment about only 28 planets existing in the universe. There is simply no way Frieza's empire (not to mention the empires of his father and one canon brother, not to mention the Galactic Patrol) could exist if that number was so low. We have more than 28 alien species, and it's to the extent where you would expect far more planets than 28. Thus, this story became a critique upon Shin's intelligence, as rather than accept his stupid idea that there are only 28 inhabited planets, I explored the idea that perhaps he was mistaken about the number through a few different ways in this story. This story spawned two follow-ups on the same subject, as I was motivated to delve into this topic further after completing this story.
Doing these three stories on the same subject spawned the idea of The Big Book of Very Important Things, as I could no longer keep all these non-canon satire stories unbound and not in the anthology. This story brought that number up from three to four, but within a day or so of me writing this story, I had written two more on the subject, so the motivation behind this story gave me enough energy to make The Big Book of Very Important Things a reality (spawning an additional 4 stories after that collection's page was made).
This one was a very simple satire of the Eastern Supreme Kai stating that there were only 28 inhabited planets in the universe, a number nobody except him seems to believe. This story was simply looking at why that is - why is this Supreme Kai so stupid/incompetent?
Story[edit | edit source]
it was one summer evening on planet kaiju tree and supreme kai was horny af "supreme kai of time get over here bitch"
"cooooooming" she said sweetly.
he was pampering his mohawk he wanted to get it good now he was a pretty boy on that pic of him with kibito he looks baked as fuck
supreme kai of time comes over to supreme kais home they are like the only people living on the planet now that buu came it was sad.
"we cant have sex were grown from fruit tree!!" kibito complained
"i dont like u kibito ur too red"
they decided to get drunk and try to fuck but since they didnt have any parts it didnt go anywhere it was right in the middle of them lighting the aquarium on fire when s. kai got a message from o. kai.
"nyayaaaaaa i like lookin at fancy women in the mags those dirty rags whore" old kai cackled.
"old kai pls help me how do i procreate with supreme kai of time"
"thats an easy one u cant"
"but why im a tree on the inside wheres my hard wood"
"niġġa u aint got no wood in u now get out of my crystal ball, and he hanged up.
he was so drunk he drank half a bottle of wine before supreme kai of time could evenv trim her pubes.
then comes kibito kai with naan "hello supreme kai remember tonight is the night where u take a nice inventory of the whole universe and tell us how many planets there are"
"oh yah but im so drunk kibito kai maybe i wont be able to make an accurate prediction"
"nonsense supreme kai you are handsom beautiful wonderful child of the stars"
"you know ur right ill do it"
supreme kai of time was throwing up on her bird who had swallowed a silver key that opened supreme kai's panty drawer. "yo i count 1 n 2 n 3 niġġa shieeet theres so many"
"countngs hard" Kibito kai.
kibito had the urgent problem of needing to pull the z sword from katchin "supreme kai come watch me"
"pls no kibito ul die"
"no i almost got it last time"
"ur weak af mate im stronger than u no"
"bb im too drunk 2b doing this right now"
kibito ran like a child who was set on fire by his cousin who also poured gasoline on his leg haha kids these days.
supreme kai "mother of supreme kai of time!!" he cursed "that bitchs gone hes gonna rip out his arms from ther sockets agin"
he was so horrified he had to follow but he had only counted 28 planets by that point. "oh well that seems like a high enough number" he thought, he was very drunk and lookit him r-jun. "beerus was supposed to be pretty fucked up so that makes sense i cant question my thoughts in my brain im drunk"
he was horrified at what he said he had to catch kibito real fast but he fell in a ditch on the side of his planet without all those boring grassy hills except that place is the best stage where kid buu was at i
"hello s. kai pls dont forget to give me that tally of the universe" old nan shouted in his ear before doing an erotic laugh bc he was looking at the pics of s. kai of time in the shower
"ur just a fucked up eunuch u old shit"
"watch ur mouth my boy gimme the tally"
"yo soz gramps that was fo real my b i gotta count em" but he was so drunk it was too hard he gave up and then remembered oh yeah he got up to 28 last tim. not to be outdone by himself he made a nice addition of 1 planet that he mustve missed ya "ok 28 planets sounds good"
"oh dear backwater heavens fuck my wrinkly old mustache!!" and he licked it and taped it back down cuz it was peeling off. "were supposed to have way more like millions niġġa whered they all go"
burp of supreme kai look at the moon is so majestic. "now listen hear u old dingbat im drunk af im high af im so blueballed im cummin outta my ears i gotta go stop kibito from killing himself again stop calling me"
"dont forget to wear a rubber" supreme kai old kai said.
He runs off into the darkness to save what would become the better half of kibito kai one day but lets not forget that when he broke his neck the good time of walkin in sunset of splendid wi and e and that made him into a stick supreme kaiss sincere.
Endnotes[edit | edit source]
- The Supreme Kais clearly do not reproduce, as they are merely fruit grown off a tree. Thus, they should neither have genitals nor sexual inclinations whatsoever. This story dealt with that concept a lot. The way in which I did that made this story non-canon.
- Kibito is an irritating and extremely ugly character. However, he is not as intolerable as Shin, who is clearly the dumbest character in all of DBZ.
- I've always wondered why Old Kai looks at dirty magazines. He shouldn't have sexually-functioning parts. Given that he fused with an old witch, Hyper Zergling correctly surmised that Old Kai had a vagina and tits. So why is he looking at dirty magazines? The only possible explanation is that the witch he fused with was a lesbian, but that also assumes that he's still fused to her (given his facial disfigurement, he's gotta be), as Dragon Ball Super retcons the shit out of the potara earrings.
- The explanation for why Shin gets the planet count wrong in this episode was based upon me also being drunk when I wrote it.
- I indeed knew a kid who had his cousin set his leg on fire after dousing his leg in gasoline. Fuckin psychopath.
- In actuality, I believe the Eastern Supreme Kai has the intelligence of a regular person who is drunk.
- As can be seen in this story, 28 is not the real number of inhabited planets. Only a stupid fuck would believe 28 was the real number.
- Best stage on Raging Blast (and perhaps a top 5 stage in RB2) was easily the Sacred World of the Kais in my opinion.
- ""yo soz gramps that was fo real my b i gotta count em" but he was so drunk it was too hard he gave up and then remembered oh yeah he got up to 28 last tim. not to be outdone by himself he made a nice addition of 1 planet that he mustve missed ya "ok 28 planets sounds good"" - this describes my drunk memory quite well.
- I wish Shin would have broken his neck, the useless fuck. He feels like the Upa of DBZ, and boy do I hate him. One thing DBS got right was reducing him to a laughingstock. He became the butt of Old Kai's jokes, and I think there is no more apt a description for him than "Kindergarten Kai". He's absolutely uselessly stupid. Luckily, in DBS, other characters have begun to realize that. I don't think many of them believed him when he said there were only 28 planets.
This is an integral story in The Big Book of Very Important Things. Like many of the other stories, it mocks an aspect of the Dragon Ball universe that either makes no sense or is poorly written (in this case, both of those apply). As can be seen in the next two anthologies, this story was not the end of my fascination with the subject of the Eastern Supreme Kai stating there are only 28 inhabited planets in the universe, nor that of the Eastern Supreme Kai being an incredibly dumb being. This story gets things rolling, but perhaps shields Shin's deficiencies too much with the excuse of alcohol.
<---- Part 119
Part 119.2 ---->