This story was originally based around the idea of showcasing a cooking show with Janemba called "Janemba Cooks". That was based on Steven Reed's Weber Cooks series. I wrote the first three chapters in 2017, which focused primarily on Janemba. The first chapter was started on May 1, 2017, but I didn't finish it until May 8th. I wrote the second chapter on August 17, 2017. The third was begun on August 23rd, but was not finished until August 24th. As one could expect, all of these were written on wikia. I did not make a google doc for any of this, so it was quite spontaneous. I made a rule to never correct any spelling errors I made while writing these chapters (sans the last one).
After those three chapters, Janemba Cooks seemed to be finished and I sort of forgot about this story for a while. I had written out the name of the fourth chapter, but I had not known what to write for it. It was a year and two hours later that I finally returned to this story, for that was the day that I posted the last chapter of Vegeta: The Tale of Chiaotzu. I realized then that I hadn't completed this story either. This was the last one for The Big Book of Very Important Things to be completed, so I began to prioritize it again at that point. I also wrote the first part of the fourth chapter that day, but did not complete it.
On August 31, 2018, I finished the fourth chapter and came up with the names for chapters 5 and 6. Those two chapters have a noticable tonal shift and are more inspired by Dragon Ball: Super than the previous Supper episodes. I wrote out chapter 5, which was inspired by a Tibetan Buddhism class I was taking at the time, on September 4th. And then came to the final chapter, which is even more different.
The final chapter of this story is a parody of Jiren. I put a lot of effort into it. It mimics The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot, which I was heavily analyzing in one of my English classes at the time. In any case, I spent an enormous amount of time and effort on that section. Every part was written very carefully, edited and analyzed for days before being posted to the site. I posted the first section (also the most technically difficult section) on September 25, 2018, and only finished it with the fifth section on October 26th. Some time afterwards, I came back and renamed the first three chapters to make this more overtly connected to the six sagas of Dragon Ball: Super.
In my opinion this is the greatest story in The Big Book of Very Important Things, but that is mostly due to the final two chapters. The last chapter I think is unironically a great poem, but that's just authorial bias right there. Anyways, it's time to analyze this one.
- 1 Story
- 1.1 episode 1: God of Destruction Beerus Saga
- 1.2 episode 2: Golden Frieza Saga
- 1.3 episode 3 of Janemba Cooks™: Universe 6 Saga
- 1.4 episode 4: Janemba really impregnated Lord Beerus, Whose Cunny Was Destroy?! Next time on Dragon Ball Super: how to cook up some god ki real good
- 1.5 Episode 5: Words of My Perfect Space Teacher: The Lesser of Two Vehicles
- 1.6 Episode 6: Limit Break XXX: no survivors
- 2 Final thoughts
episode 1: God of Destruction Beerus Saga
- audience member raises hand: hi i have a question for chef Janemba hello im a first time listener third time caller nd I just wanetd to say hello and hi my cunny tastes like honey
Janemba: Ah fuck me. Fuck off will ya. Jean Peen getter outta here alright I dont have a place fer cunts in my kitchen! Shut her down!!
jean peen: <trembles> sir i uh <he looks around with lots of luck fuck me that girls a big lassy fuckin hell mate howm i supposed ta lug her outta here> chef, what were those things in Gremlins called?
Chef Janemba: did u seriously just fuckin ask me that
jean peen: ahhh shit! <janemba makes a portal and sucks jean peens dusty dingo-rattler through one, this kills the jeanpen> ]
janemba takes out meat and the crowd goes ooh ahh, clap clap clap
Janemba: u wanna real good rubba on yer meat yeah mate?
crowd :yeah mmate
givin a good rub to the meat is critical in producing a slab of old sweaty meat. Jaenmb rubbed it goodk niꬶꬶa poppin on my lawn niꬶꬶa take me down allightn, longg and as he sings the crowd bgos insane
big bucket of meat rollin around in the bowl it rolling around it where he adds a little salt not tooc but enough about that wheres the bacon grease
Gom and Ned come shifling out of the back room with a big vat of bacon grease.
"who wants some slop for the pigs" Janemba's teethr demon
"crowd screamse togeht and he thros it on em
- I like the phrase "cunny tastes like honey". It was inspired by George R.R. Martin, but was my own creation.
- Janemba was written to sound somewhat similar to Gordon Ramsay.
- "what were those things in Gremlins" - I believe this references Karl Pilkington once asking Ricky Gervais that same question.
- The image of Janemba throwing a vat of boiling bacon grease on a cheering crowd is the core idea behind Janemba Cooks.
episode 2: Golden Frieza Saga
<THERES A HUGE FIRE, THE KITCHEN IS LIT AF>
Janemba: oy u space french pig leave it leave it!!!!!!!
Salza: Traduisez cette phrase!
<JANEMBA GLIDES AROUND LIKE A DEMON HES RLY TALL
janemba: u fuckin dick u burnt the space crab for lord frieza
salza: <FRENCHIE BOI> aw fuck me
janemba: <HE LOOKS LIKE A DEMON HE GOT THOSE DEMON EYES STARIN LIKE DEATH AT MR. FRENCHY> hey, hey, monsieur fuck me fuck u
<HE LOOKD LIKE HE WANNA CHOKE A BITCH>
- When Gordon Ramsay called that guy a french pig, that was one of his best insults ever in my opinion.
- When Gordon starts gliding around the kitchen, looking like an irate demon, it makes me laugh heartily.
- The end of this chapter is based on this clip. I died of laughter when I saw it the first time and it still makes me laugh to this day.
episode 3 of Janemba Cooks™: Universe 6 Saga
we move alotta potatoes
"Fuckin hell" Janemba was whirlin like Ramsay does around the kitchen all pissed off like that one time I was cooking tomato soup on my grandmas kitchen and i forgot and it boiled over and she was like swearing in tongues ive never seen anything like it before
"my grandma used to like it when i played knight of the wind on piano for her and her guests," Janemba screamed, his voice shakin, "now piss off ya bloody fuckin useless piles of garbage!!!!"
and he kicked a bin over lookit all those raw otherworld scallops smdh fool
every contestant except for april had left a burnt pan of cheese or assorted saiyajin
"oh for fucks sake cookin in a burnt pan fuck me"
"hey fuck me fk u baby"
"the fuck" he looked up and did the gordon look of botox
"oh she burnt ur pan," cried N. Man chad from the booth. He looked up at lon and gulped real mightily. "y-y-y-ya know lon, i-i-i think janemba's going to impregnate her and I'm not even catholic!!"
"haha hes going to give her her just desserts," laughed to moderate amusement mr. lon.
"and you know what lon, if janemba isn't careful, he could catch an std in the freezer!"
"that would be a sick beat," antonio muttered from behind his shoulder.
"hey antonio remember when you tried the hero call with ace deuce off and he had like trip tens or some shit"
"ahahahah norman you've been divorced three times and you told me in the meat closet that you have eternal ovaries"
norman sputtered. This was outrageous, and most of all unprofessional. "That's right," he snarled back, "and i made em sign a prenup everytime."
Norman Chad leaned forward, winked at the camera, adjusted his tie, and looked up at antonio "you hurt me norman you hurt me norman chad," replied antonio with a lil bit of life but he still mostly sounded like the robot.
"was it a crit?"
"hahaha." lon looked into the camera. "and were back everyone."
chef janemba came gliding out back into the kitchen to much applause and screamin "oh fuck me fuckin soufflé fuckin soufflé fuckin really what a first-class cunt, what a right cunt."
"and at least she's not her mother's cunt," norman said warmly.
the crowd applauded and the curtains went down and but even so janemba lit n. man tf up yo yo bitches get stitches aint no one gonna tryn stop dat but antonio musta thought it was damn filthy fool
- The tomato soup story is true. My grandma was cursing in tongues. That was the only time I ever saw her act like that.
- Gordon has a perpetual botox face, but I'm not sure if he ever got botox or if he was always destined to look like an English bulldog.
- N. Man chad is based on Norman Chad, my favorite poker commentator.
- The banter between Norman Chad and Antonio Esfandiari is based on how they talk to one another when commentating poker. Esfandiari is often a player in the tournaments (until he busts out and then starts commentating with them). The ace deuce hand was a real hand that Antonio got severely outplayed in.
episode 4: Janemba really impregnated Lord Beerus, Whose Cunny Was Destroy?! Next time on Dragon Ball Super: how to cook up some god ki real good
were sgt p*ppers lonely h**rts club band we hoped u enjoyed the show
Let me show you a new character whose name is McBristle McOldfuck. nvm this chapters filler
- The Potaufeu Saga was a shitty saga, so I tried to mimic that here.
Episode 5: Words of My Perfect Space Teacher: The Lesser of Two Vehicles
"One day an old frog that had always lived in a well was visited by another frog who lived on the shores of the great ocean.
"Where are you from?" asked the frog that lived in the well.
"I come from the great ocean," the visitor replied.
"How big is this ocean of yours?" asked the frog from the well.
"It is enormous," replied the other.
"About a quarter the size of my well?" he asked.
"Oh! Bigger than that!" exclaimed the frog from the ocean.
"Half the size, then?"
"No, bigger than that!"
"So-the same size as the well?"
"No, no! Much, much bigger!"
"That's impossible!" said the frog who lived in the well. "This I have to see for myself."
So the two frogs set off together, and the story goes that when the frog who lived in the well saw the ocean, he fainted, his head split apart, and he died.''"
Zamasu sipped his tea thoughtfully. "Ah, I am born from a tree."
Goku Black concurred. "You were designed to make women and homosexuals become sexually attracted to you."
"None of those fuckers watch this show black"
"Gowasu is old. If I kill him, some Hindu god wannabe'll disappear."
"Buddhism is a legitimate religion."
"goku black dont make me"
"what if I told you i hate every mortal who ever lived."
"don't you see how hard i am right now?"
There was several moments of redacted shit that went on. You know what I mean.
"There's too much suffering in the universe. Mortals are to blame," Zamasu explained "I want to kill them."
"This existence is suffering. We must work to end our suffering. It takes a man to find a woman; it takes a woman to find what a man used to be."
Zamasu was none-too-pleased. "I'll make the ningen suffer alright."
"You won't do shit you fruit-grown faggot."
"That's a slur."
"Your mohawk is a slur."
"Fair point. As I grew on a tree and became an almost-supreme-kai upon my ripening, I am just exquisite. Look at this," Zamasu groaned, patting down his chest in a very slow an unnatural way. "I am perfect. I am a god."
"Do you know a guy who once said he was perfect but was only perfect before he absorbed a bunch of artificial plot devices?"
"I've always wanted to mate with my clone, but you have become intolerable, pinkboi," Zamasu roared, clapping his hands and cumming so hard he fell over.
Goku Black proceeded to slap Zamasu, but that bitch was immortal and there aint no more super dragon balls because if goku black were invincible, he would be, well, invincible. "When I had you to myself, I didn't want you around. Those pretty faces always made you stand out in a crowd. But someone picked you from the bunch. One glance was all it took. Now it's much too late for me to take a second look."
Goku Black went pink as he could. He really tried to be pink as fuck. Nevertheless, the super dragon balls were destroyed, the dragon balls were destroyed, the namekian dragon balls were dead, and zamasu was still immortal. It's a tedious battle, no doubt. This world is suffering. I suffered bad thinking this piece of shit chapter up.
Obey your master. Your master is your master. For that reason, you should obey him. He is sublime. And what I mean by this is, you should never ever say anything bad about your master. He's a good person, a great person, a beautiful, sublime Buddhist master. If you dare walk in front of him, you'll never reach enlightenment. If you dare step to his right, well fuck you. And don't even think about touching his sittin pillow. Fuck outta here with that bullshit. Obey that motherfucker. He's Buddha. He's perfect. I'm still in my bathroom, hiding in the shadows (like amanda). Regardless, if you even dare to think that you master did 1 even trivially wrong thing, you're fucked. Good luck getting nirvana thinking like that, fam. Zamasu purred. He was green, and he didn't have a dick. Goku Black did, but that fucker was mortal. Get out of here with that shit.
"Goku Black. You are my clone. Procreation is not an option."
miss me with that gay shit
- The opening quote is from the book Words of My Perfect Teacher by Paul Rinpoche, a Tibetan Buddhist teacher. I thought the story was so absurd, so dumb, so simple, that I had to put it into this story word-for-word. Such a stupid goddamn story. Obviously, the message is that "the frog couldn't believe there could be so much water, so his preconceptions led him to literally have his mind blown". It's just so tacky and so poorly written in my opinion. If a lesson is to be learned, it should be done in a more delicate and natural way. This story is brute-force non-realism. Really a shitty teaching.
- The reason why the title of this chapter has the subtitle "The Lesser of Two Vehicles" is because one of the big debates in my class was the argument for Mahayana Buddhism or Theravada Buddhism. See here for more details (my class didn't go much into Hinayana, so I didn't comment on that at all in this chapter).
- From my studying of Buddhism, I have found it to be an evil religion. I get more into this in chapter 6, but suffice to say, one of the stated things in it (perhaps this is only in Tibetan Buddhism, but I don't believe that is the case) is that if a baby dies at birth, it does so due to the evil it committed a past life. That evil basically trolled the baby into being allowed to be a human, but only for a moment. It's an absolutely horrific, vile thing to believe in. Imagine telling that to the grieving parents. Absolute example of irrational dogma polluting thoughts. There is no reason to think that or to believe it. It's pure bullshit. I could say "the baby died because in a past life, it grew to become at least 77 years old". Same thing. How does one refute that claim? It's a claim without substance, totally devoid of logic, having no basis in reality, and on top of it all, is evil. Blaming the dead baby on its own actions in a past life is a sickening belief.
- The ending of this chapter references quite a lot of The Mortal Flaw, which I wrote several months before this chapter.
- There was no reason for Goku Black to not wish for immortality. It's a glaring plot hole.
- Zamasu would invariably beat Goku Black, unless Black managed to banish him to the Dead Zone.
- "Obey your master. Your master is your master. For that reason, you should obey him. He is sublime. And what I mean by this is, you should never ever say anything bad about your master. He's a good person, a great person, a beautiful, sublime Buddhist master. If you dare walk in front of him, you'll never reach enlightenment. If you dare step to his right, well fuck you. And don't even think about touching his sittin pillow. Fuck outta here with that bullshit. Obey that motherfucker. He's Buddha. He's perfect. I'm still in my bathroom, hiding in the shadows (like amanda). Regardless, if you even dare to think that you master did 1 even trivially wrong thing, you're fucked. Good luck getting nirvana thinking like that, fam." - this is another thing in Buddhism that I find intolerable. It's anti-intelligence. Placing divinity on a flawed human being, no matter who that human is, is logically unsound. I understand that there is value in Buddhism, particularly with dream yoga and meditation, but it's bullshit dogma like that that makes it difficult to take seriously. You can almost hear the desperation in the above quote, which was basically reciting Paul Rinpoche's words in near-quote form. The desperation of needing to be followed without question strikes me as coming only from ideas that cannot stand up to debate. I am the kind of person who is never obedient to authority, oftentimes to a fault in my younger years. This specific doctrine is something I find to be not necessarily as evil as the above thing with the baby, but close enough. Autonomy, agency, and free will are the hallmarks of being human. To deny that for the sake of dogma is to deny what humanity is. If a religion has to do that, it's lost the plot as far as I'm concerned.
Episode 6: Limit Break XXX: no survivors
- The first part of the first section is a sonnet, so long as I didn't mess anything up. Iambic pentameter is extremely unintuitive so I may have gotten that messed up, but the syllable count and rhyming is set up for it to be a sonnet.
- This chapter is mostly about Jiren. It's also about kv though too. Lots of anxiety about the minimal attraction to females. The final two lines of the first section indicate this idea well - one about me, one about Jiren.
- The second stanza of the first section was more in reference to the style of "The Waste Land". Not everything referenced there comes from the first section of that poem. The first two lines I think are rather excellent.
- When I wrote this story, I was extremely critical of Buddhism (particularly Tibetan Buddhism, which I was studying for my major). Anat the Man refers to Anatta, which was taught to me as Anatman, but I digress.
- The secret tip of the secret organ directly references Buddhism. That religion has a penis fascination. I think a bunch of homosexuals had influence over that the secret organ shit.
- The end of the first section is basically me leveling heavy criticism upon Paul Rinpoche. I found him to be less profound than he thought himself to be.
- The second section utilizes the same syllable count as a sonnet, but does not rhyme on purpose. This poem was meant to degrade over time, as seen in the first section when we open with a sonnet and go immediately into post-modernist style in the second stanza. The overall section-to-section degradation is less extreme.
- The second section was almost entirely me shitting on Jiren.
- The third section was where I started to actually go in-line with "The Waste Land". Some of the prior references to the poem were not in the same section they were referencing. That is no longer the case starting with the third section.
- Padmasambhava is behind what I will term the moral incoherence of early Tibetan Buddhism. So much of the dogma surrounding him relies upon the stupidity of the audience, that it's honestly difficult to say anything useful about the guy. Even his wikipedia article shows what a disaster of a supposed Buddha he was. Disgraceful anti-intellectual drivel this guy spouted. I do not want to get started on his terma shit. That right there is the moment that anyone who actually believes in Tibetan Buddhism should ask the simple question (which was never satisfactorily answered by my teacher) of why the hell would he hide the terma and send tens of thousands to damnation who were unluckily born before such tomes were discovered? There is no defense to this. It's not even trying to be logical. This is the kind of stuff you'd expect a small child to come up with. Unfortunately, much of Buddhism seems to be on that level from what I've seen. So much of the doctrine was written by people who are not very smart yet we are supposed to sit here and pretend like it's worthy of deep analysis.
- I really go into the baby dying because it was bad in a previous life thing in this chapter, particularly in the third stanza of the third section. As I've said before, in my opinion, this belief is pure evil. It is disgusting, outrageous, and morally reprehensible to me. "It's never evil unless I say so" - this succinctly encapsulates my view on the matter.
- The end of the third section is similar to the end of the third section of "The Waste Land", only I am at war with Buddhism, which Eliot never really went into much (though there is a small amount of that in his poem).
- The fourth section ties in the first four chapters, which were about Chef Janemba, to this chapter. Also, that section was written very much in parody of the fourth section of "The Waste Land", being more accurate to the original text than any section so far.
- The biggest arguments I ever got into with my classmates in my Buddhism class was over the concept of samsara. I want to know why the fuck are we even discussing this? It's not so much a question of "where's the proof", but more the lazy disregard taken to such an anti-realism belief. You can believe in samsara, fine. Why can't I believe in something else, similar in nature, where we go from duck to dog to dolphin to human, and without question every single person goes through that? There is no way to disprove that to any greater a degree than there is an ability to disprove samsara. For that reason, samsara as a concept, lazy as it is, is not worth analysis or discussion. It's pure and utter horseshit. One of my most satisfying moments was when I called out the entire class over that, and not a single one of them, even my teacher (bless her heart, it was her first semester), had any refutation of what I said, nor did any of them try sans the teacher. It speaks the laziness that is now considered analysis in academia, though. Where is the actual analysis? Where are the scholars who will look at a concept, dig into its historical and factual roots and provide any meaningful commentary? Nowhere to be found from what I've seen. We just get a low-energy hippy-level roundtable discussion about "oh yeah, it's bad to have bad karma man". The discussions in my class on this subject were so unintelligent, I am positive that some of my disbelief and anger about that spilled over into this poem.
- Zangdok Palri is the pure land where Padmasambava supposedly dwells now.
- The fifth section parodies the fifth section of "The Waste Land" quite a bit, but not in the same order as the original. Probably the best section of the entire poem in my opinion.
- I returned to the theme of sexuality in the fifth section, lamenting how it's not a choice and how, therefore, humans do not have free will.
- The section about beer, wine, and vermouth was meant to highlight my sneaking suspicion than the evil-doer who tempted Jiren to become what he did was none other than Vermouth, that space clown.
- Om Vajrapani Hum was a mantra I learned while studying Tibetan Buddhism. As to if it has specific meaning to this text, well, a lot of the sixth chapter is me shitting on Rinpoche, so of course it's relevant.
- People who believe that small hands = small penis do not understand biology whatsoever and go for the cheap, anti-realism laugh. I mocked them hard at the end there.
This was the most necessary chapter of The Big Book of Very Important Things. Also, fuck Buddhism. That must be said, for so few are willing to confront reality.
<---- Part 119.8
Part 119.10 ---->