Destructivedisk wanted to get drunk and write another story with me, and I was happy to oblige. I drank wine; I don't remember what he drank. Either way, we both got pretty wasted before writing this thing. I think we were on a skype or google video call, but I don't remember exactly. The whole writing process for this thing was kind of a blur. Destructivedisk created the page on google docs and then shared it with me and we went to work.
I came up with the story idea for it to be about Chiaotzu. Chiaotzu is one of our favorite punching bags, and Destructivedisk actually likes all those useless human characters, so I felt it was best to write about someone he knew (I didn't want another Ain't No Hero on my hands). Anyway, we wrote this thing on starting on June 26 at 10:12 pm (my time). We continued writing until June 27th at 1:54 am. Then, once it was done, we posted it.
This entire story was improvised. We didn't sit down and plan anything out. We traded off every few paragraphs, sometimes writing in each other's paragraphs or even sentences. There are several spots where I wrote half a sentence and DD continued it, and vice versa. You'll see below.
One thing we didn't want to do was have this story be like some of our previous drunk stories with lots of misspellings and whatnot. We (at least me) tried to make this a normally-written story in that regard, and I must say it was much harder to do than it looks. It's hard to write well while drunk, I've found.
After the story was complete, I came up with the idea of adding the logo and picture at the top. I had recently been browsing rule34 porn of Bulla with tunboy, and the ridiculousness of pictures there influenced me to look up Chiaotzu on the site. The below picture was the one that made me laugh the most. I think DD added in the censor bar and then we uploaded it on a separate account in case wikia admins wanted to ban whoever uploaded that pic. Still, it's a censored pic, so there's no reason why it would be bannable. We were just being paranoid. I quickly created the logo on cooltext and made it white and red because those are defining colors of Chiaotzu, and I wanted the red to look like blood. I very much like how the logo and picture came out. They really compliment the story, in my opinion.
I will mostly be commenting on my contributions, though I may say a few words about DD's stuff. If he ever anthologizes this story, it would be nice to see his perspective on how TBOD turned out. Anyways, onto the endnotes!
Story[edit | edit source]
The stuff that I wrote is in bold.
It was a dark night and Ted 2 had just come out. All the Z Fighters were aching to go see it. Everyone was invited except for Chiaotzu. This is because he was having relationship problems with Tien (he was too proud for facials), which would have made things quite awkward for the whole group. Chiaotzu never really said much or contributed to conversation to begin with so nobody was that upset about losing him.
The midget clown grabbed a block of swiss cheese and left the house after everyone had gone. He wandered the streets alone, nibbling on the cheese and wandering aimlessly. When he came to a bridge, Chiaotzu stopped and began to hover so that he could look over the edge, like a ghost atop a chair. Staring into the dark waters below, the sickly creature caught a reflection of his face and threw a piece of cheese at it to make it disappear. But the face didn’t swirl and ripple like the rest of the water. That was when Chiaotzu realized he wasn’t looking at a reflection at all.
Indeed, there was a mime in the water. He had drowned several hours earlier, and had killed himself by throwing himself into the water. He had been deeply upset upon learning that the new class he had started at the university was not at full enrollment, as he had hoped that all the students at the school would enroll in his class to learn of his mimely ways. But alas, only two students registered for the class, and they were both weird as shit. This was when the mime determined that he had committed his life to learning a useless art, and thusly killed himself.
This was all a fitting analogue for Chiaotzu’s life, yet Chiaotzu’s journey would not end in suicide.
Looks like you ended up where you started, a voice said in Chiaotzu’s head. It was familiar, but old, rusty, like a long unused vise. I always knew you would come back to us. He knew that voice.
Spinning around, Chiaotzu looked around and around. Had Tien seen him at the time, it would have made him sad to see Chiaotzu like that. Across the bridge, on the other side of the endless streams of people moving this way and that, Chiaotzu caught a glimpse of him. The pale skin, the red cheeks, the Qing-era clothing - it was all so familiar.
There was a factory worker across the bridge from a nearby mirror factory. He was carrying a mirror across the bridge, and that shit always seriously spooked Chiaotzu out. He thought he saw a skeleton walking amongst the crowd, but that was far too spooky to think about.
So once all the people moved out of the way, Chiaotzu made his way to the other side of the bridge, where he had seen the thing. He knew it hadn’t been his reflection - he’d heard the voice too, after all. But there was no one there; the old memories had come and gone like smoke in the wind. Chiaotzu also began to sincerely regret throwing that cheese in the water, and consequently decided to retrieve it from the creek.
He walked over to the river and searched for the block of cheese, yet he found it not. Indeed, he found surprisingly little in the water. Even the mime who had offed himself in the water earlier that day was nowhere to be seen. There was something legitimately ghostly afoot here, and Chiaotzu was resolved to get to the bottom of it. After all, he really wanted that cheese - Tien only allotted him one block of cheese per month.
The air hung humid. The people made their way across the bridge, a ceaseless stampede that neither heard nor saw him jump in the river. Chiaotzu had never felt so isolated as he did then. He briefly wondered if the others were having a good time at the movie - the name of it eluded him - and wondered if Tien felt bad for leaving him behind. Probably not, though, since that dude was a triclops, and if Gorgosso was to be believed, they were shady dudes.
Chiaotzu was curious for a moment, though. He had never seen a Triclops besides Tien, which was most certainly unusual. And, when he thought about it, he had never seen another creature like himself before. Except for Dango. He missed Dango. Dango was a pretty cool guy. Dango was the type of guy who delivers a pizza to you, and he does such a damn good job that you call the Pizza delivery place and give a compliment for him. Additionally, you could never quite pinpoint his race. He definitely wasn’t hispanic, but he also definitely was not asian. White didn’t quite fit him but he wasn’t black either. It’s quite the conundrum to be frank.
Just thinking about that made Chiaotzu’s belly rumble like a lioness in heat, and he was hankering for some tenshindon. “Oh Tien, I need it bad!” he shouted at the sky, his mouth watering (as did other places). So Chiaotzu resolved then and there to swim his way back into the city. He didn’t know how he did it, springing from river to pool, but eventually, after about twenty-three years, he made his way to the urban restaurant.
The tenshindon was, as one fine patron described it, a piece of shit on a plate. Chiaotzu loved shit on a plate. The Yum cha tea was even worse, believe it or not. One restaurant-goer described it as tasting worse than raspberry-flavored vodka strung through a fat guy’s pony tail into a cauldron full of ball sweat. He would give his right testicle (if he still had it) for one of those. So the little mime-wannabe took out the meager pennies he had accrued from servicing Tien throughout the years and threw them at the cashier. “I want tenshindong!” he screamed lustily. This was highly ironic, because mimes do not oft talk.
The cashier/cook looked at Chiaotzu like he was a meth-addled freak, but money is money. This may have been because Chiaotzu was a short guy who dressed up in clown make-up, but the world will never know for sure. He cooked him up prime tenshindon while Chiaotzu prowled about the little restaurant, growling and patting his belly. The other patrons fled the scene in panic, their food running down their faces into their beards and clothes, so great was their hysteria.
When Chiaotzu’s prize was done, the little mime rushed forward and grabbed the plate. He was so ready to get some tenshindon in his belly, you don’t even know. It was his baby, his precious. He closed his eyes and lifted the plate to his lips, ready to pour the steaming hot pile of shit down his throat. It was at this moment that someone swiped the plate from him. Chiaotzu was left bewildered, powerless, awestruck, and befuddled. There standing before him was someone who Chiaotzu had never thought he would have ever seen again.
His face was pale white, old and misshapen, like melting wax or a pair of old balls. His cheeks were aglow with dark circles of blood. He wore the clothes of a more ancient time. And in his hand was the plate of Chiaotzu’s favorite food in the whole wild world.
“Give it back!” Chiaotzu screeched, as if he was being wrapped in piano strings.
The other dude just smiled and buried his face in the plate, gobbling up the precious food like it was a mountain of cocks.
“No! My baby!” Chiaotzu roared, rushing forward. His body was aglow as if he was going to blow up again. It does not take much to make Chiaotzu blow up.
“Maybe the Dango ate your baby,” the other replied with a devilish grin. He dropped the plate and aimed a punch at Chiaotzu.
“Allahu akbar!!!” yelled Chiaotzu, preparing to explode himself all over the other guy. Yet he could not find it in himself to self-destruct as he normally did. No matter how hard he tried, Chiaotzu could not adequately self-destruct. Indeed, as he clung to the back of this guy, he realized that he had forgotten when he had last allahu akbared on the back of another guy. Chiaotzu realized then that he had self-destructile dysfunction. As he considered it, he suddenly contemplated on when he had lost fought - and then, Chiaotzu realized that he had lost his edge.
THIS IS A SEPARATE PARAGRAPH OF ITS OWN
Chiaotzu was furious, and in his anger, he began to piss, which was blue and shimmering from the meth so thick in his veins. Dango began to fellate himself upon seeing this.
“What goes out must come in, Chiaotzy,” Dango warned. “You always were my best friend, even when I saw you not for so many years.”
“FUCK JEEKER MMCOCK” yelled Chiaotzu, in frustration.
“Chaozy, babe, darlin’, buddy, you must not act like this,” Dango pined. “You know why I’m here, dontcha?” He began to eat an orange creamsicle, letting it melt and flow down his fingers like tides of semen. dango, being the unchained motherfucker that he was, did not believe in the raw power of orange creamsicles, and grabbed Chiaotzu and told him to leave the premises if he wanted to continue living. “We gotta go to the Great Cock,” he explained. “That’s the whole reason King Kai put you on this planet,” Dango clicked his teeth. “We only exist to protect the Great Cock from the Faggot in the Sky.”
“Is that why we look weird as shit?” Chiaotzu asked innocently.
“You are the weird motherfucker,” Dango shouted. “You’ve always looked like shit.”
Suddenly, a wild Tapion appeared! He had also been put on the planet by King Kai, and he was the sole being capable of freeing Chiaotzu from his dreadful existence. Tapion can play a flute so he will play the meat flute. They were off on their first great adventure, but first they had to take care of some unfinished business at Master Roshi’s house.
The three characters all flew to Kame island, where they found nobody except for Master Roshi and oolong. Out of frustration Chiaotzu punched Roshi in the face and knocked him the fuck out.
“Massa massa oh no!” Chiaotzu wailed.
Dango fucked Oolong right in the pighole, and thus he made some salted pork. “My favorite,” he said, licking his lips and stroking his beard like Gimli.
Oolong was frightened out of his mind and therefore he decided to join the party. He would no doubt be an invaluable addition to our lovable band of heroes.
Just then, a rabid Sonichu jumped out from behind some bushes.
“Stupid bandits, always hidin’ in the bushes!” Oolong squealed. “If I had a strip of bacon every time I saw one jump out from behind some bushes, I’d have a strip of bacon!”
They never spoke to Oolong again. He was a cannibal, but he wasn’t a bad-ass like Hannibal Lecter. That guy is cool as shit. One time, a girl came over to my house and we watched Silence of the Lambs together. I didn’t get with her though because I’m an awkward piece of shit! haha. I kept talking to her anyways, but now she thinks I’m a creep alcoholic loser lmao. Some stones are better left unturned. Mads would make a great Euron don’t you think. Like comment subscribe.
Anyways, back to the story, Sonichu replaced Oolong, but little did we know, Oolong had merely transformed in order to appear like Sonichu, It was a sneaky sneak’s sneak. But Sonichu was still there too. When they fucked it was only masturbation.
“Life’s not all sunshine and autism,” Dango explained to the others when they flew off to the Great Cock in the Sky. “Remember that, buttercup.”
And Chiaotzu felt warm inside, like when Tien would come inside.
Sonichu was dancing around like a gypsy in France. “Would you like some lemonade?” He asked the others, being very original and sexy. “No this ain’t no minute-maid!”
“Then what is it?” Chiaotzu asked. “Can I have a taste?”
“Sonichuuuuuu!” the completely original character roared, shooting electric and piss into Chiaotzu’s face. The mime hummed in delight as he tasted the nectar of the gods. What comes out must go in, Chiaotzu thought, gulping down Sonichu’s goodness. Dango’s lesson will make me a man.
“I’m a man now!” Chiaotzu said as gold liquid fell from his little clown chin.
“I’m a man,” Tapion agreed. He fondled himself leisurely.
“The Faggot in the Sky is a tricky mofo,” Dango began (Tapion and Oolongchu moaned in agreement and shouted ‘Amen!’). “The only way to get him away from the holy Cock in the Sky is to give him a different cock.”
“Different cock!” they all shouted. Oolong shapeshifted into a penis. He was a giant dragon one, one that would make even Varka’s gape shrivel up in terror and cry tears of scarlet.
“It was a separate knob! Separate knob!” Jean Paul shouted in horror. “Why separate knob? Why separate knob?!”
Then Oolong became the hero, but because of what he did no one ever talked to him again. Haha, that horny pig, when will he ever learn. Back to the trough with you.
Returning to the earlier theme of lion sex, lions only have sex for like 3 seconds at a time, but they have sex like 10 times in a row. Sound like Jay Leno’s Sex life!!!!!
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Dango nodded. “Chiaotzu, you are the blood of my blood.”
“It is known, praise Orville Redenbacher,” Tapion murmured.
“You have become a man now, a proper weird-looking freak of nature, just like me.”
“Why do we look so horribly disfigured and ugly and terrible! Someone must’ve created us like this as a joke!” Chiaotzu screamed, shaking his fist at the sky. It began to rain in response, as if it was crying - but more likely, the sky was pissing on him. Chiaotzu did like getting pissed on. Getting shit on was another matter altogether, however, one to be reserved for the sequel, surely.
“Whoever designed you is fucked up!” Dragon dildolong shouted between thrusts into the Faggot in the Sky.
Dango nodded. “We are terrible, and Chiaotzu, you are the worst character in this entire universe. Don’t ever forget that.”
It made Chiaotzu feel good knowing Dango had said that to him. Finally, someone loved him; it wasn’t like with Tien where it was all about the sex and the money and the booze.
Then, Dango exploded in a flash of confetti, worthy of stirring Rip Taylor. “What is this trickery!” Chiaotzu shouted, horrified.
“Dango must be the true Faggot in the Sky!” Tapion shouted.
“I knew we shouldn’t have unchained him,” the pig-cock squealed. He promptly became aware of the fact that he was fucking some random dude in the sky, and not the villainous faggot. Extricating himself from said dude’s rectum, Dragon donglong blushed copiously. “I fucked the wrong guy!”
“Wrong faggot! Wrong faggot!” Jean Paul moaned in sadness.
“I guess the Cock in the Sky is screwed, “Chiaotzu responded, shrugging. “Oh well.”
The others agreed. They didn’t know nor care about the Great Cock in the Sky, and its ruin, even if that would bring about the downfall of the universe, was not their concern, as they needed to end the story already. As the story began to end, Chiaotzu reflected on the day and nearly threw up trying to understand what had happened. But there was one thing Chiaotzu had learned, aside from the realization that he was, truly, the most useless character in the entire Dragon Ball universe. Chiaotzu finally understood what it meant to be a man. He would return to Tien at once and tell him the good news. Chiaotzu only hoped that, as a reward, Tien would fire a couple Dodon Rays into him for all his success.
Endnotes[edit | edit source]
- I named this story. The name itself reminds me of Ode to Dodoria.
- At the start of this story, I didn't know if we were writing a serious story or comedy story. The early part, on my end, is rather serious. DD didn't really add in too much comedy at the beginning to give me an idea. I added in things that were both serious and both comedy-based so that we could go either way. Once Chiaotzu got to the bridge, we decided to go the overtly comedic route.
- I like swiss cheese and was eating it with my wine while writing this story to try to make the alcohol a bit more tolerable. That is why Chiaotzu had a whole block of it.
- The "ghost atop a chair" part was a reference to The Mute by Radical Face.
- In my mind, the reflection Chiaotzu sees in the water is Dango. DD didn't pick up on this at first which is why there's that whole mime section.
- The voice in Chiaotzu's head is Dango contacting him telepathically. Alas, DD did not pick up on that either.
- DD having the guy in the mirror go by again highlights how he doesn't understand that I'm describing another being like Chiaotzu, not Chiaotzu himself.
- The too-spooky skeleton is a reference to a famous meme.
- I added in "Except for Dango" in one of DD's paragraphs to be more overt about my intention to add in another Chiaotzu-looking character named Dango. DD didn't pick up on that at first and then went off on a rambling monologue about how Dango looked, which was not actually true. Although, he did say that it's impossible to tell what ethnicity Dango is, which I guess is slightly true.
- Tenshindon is what Tien's name is based on and is Chiaotzu's favorite food. It was fun to make it a sexual reference in this story. It was actually really fun to portray Chiaotzu as sexually aroused.
- Chiaotzu deciding to swim back to the city is a reference to John Cheever's short story, The Swimmer.
- The way Chiaotzu acts while waiting for the tenshindon is really funny. I don't think I based it on anything. Really, the whole restaurant scene makes me laugh quite hard even to this day.
- The way the patrons flee from the restaurant is a reference to how all the spectators flee from the court in Sink to the Bottom.
- Chiaotzu describing the tenshindon as his precious is a reference to Gollum from The Lord of the Rings.
- "“Give it back!” Chiaotzu screeched, as if he was being wrapped in piano strings." - this line is a reference to Wrapped in Piano Strings by Radical Face.
- So Chiaotzu's name means a type of dumpling in Japanese (converted from Chinese). In Japanese, "Dango" also means dumpling. Even though I was drunk, I was careful to be very deliberate with the naming of the other Chiaotzu. I gave him a similar name pun on purpose.
- My favorite part in this story is when Dango says "Maybe the Dango ate your baby!". I knew I wanted to get to this line almost as soon as I came up with Dango's name and realized how fortuitous it was that it was so close to "dingo". This was a wonderful coincidence. Anyway, the line itself is a reference to this scene from the tv show Seinfeld. I did quite a bit in the story before to build up to this scene, with Chiaotzu constantly referring to his tenshindon as his baby before Dango stole it from him. So I think this scene works very well. Considering I was drunk at the time, I'm surprised I managed this level of buildup and payoff.
- Chiaotzu constantly needing to blow up is a good joke rooted in his canon ineptitude in his battle against Nappa. It's also really good for all of the sexual and gay jokes we have in this story.
- I am rather proud of my self-destructile dysfunction joke.
- Chiaotzu being referred to as a meth-addled freak has roots in our previous comedy stories where Chiaotzu has been referred to as such before.
- I don't know why there is so much peeing and pee drinking in this story. It really came out of nowhere, but it is hilarious.
- Dango eating the creamsicle and letting it melt all over him alludes to some sexual stuff and is also a reference to the short story The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven (in the same-named short story collection) by Sherman Alexie.
- Around the time we wrote this, I was playing a lot of Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time, as I had just recently gotten the disc for it to work (after it hadn't worked for many a year). In that game, there is a "Great Clock". Now that was changed to "Great Cock" here for humor purposes.
- The Faggot in the Sky was an improvised villain. It only made sense to me, in my drunken state, that a great faggot in the sky would be the perfect enemy for a great cock that needed protection.
- It was a lot of fun to have Chiaotzu and the others constantly mention how weird and terrible Chiaotzu looks.
- A meat flute is a penis, obviously.
- I am proud of the salted pork joke. Since semen is oft described as having a salty taste (dunno if it does), it made sense to connect that to the famous Gimli quote from The Lord of the Rings. This joke would later reappear in the deleted The Ballad of Dango part 2, though when I wrote it there, I had forgotten that I had written a similar joke in this story too. Being drunk will do that to you. I didn't remember any of this story before re-reading it to have the memories return to me.
- Sonichu is fucking awful. That is why I put him in this story. His appearance is of similar quality to Chiaotzu's.
- "“Stupid bandits, always hidin’ in the bushes!”" - this line is referencing a similar line that Merrett Frey says in the Epilogue of A Storm of Swords (book 3 of A Song of Ice and Fire). I had been listening to that book on audiobook while playing "A Crack in Time", and I had recently listened to the epilogue before writing this story, so that's why I made that reference. It was fresh in the mind, so to speak.
- "“If I had a strip of bacon every time I saw one jump out from behind some bushes, I’d have a strip of bacon!”" - this is a variant of a common phrase I use. I don't know how many times I've used such a phrase on this wiki (this may be the first time). Essentially, it's the opposite of "If I had a nickel for every time _____ happened, I'd be rich!". The opposite is quite funny because it's not noteworthy. It's not worth even saying. So that's why Oolong said it.
- Mads Mikkelson played Hannibal on the television show Hannibal. I mentioned that he would make a good Euron because DD previously rambled about The Silence of the Lambs and Euron's casting for Game of Thrones was being highly speculated upon at the time. I think he would have made a good Euron, myself. Shame he wasn't cast for that role in the end.
- I am fond of clone jokes about "fucking is only masturbation".
- "“Life’s not all sunshine and autism,”" - really like this line. It sums up so much of DBF and Sonichu's world.
- "And Chiaotzu felt warm inside, like when Tien would come inside." - I remember DD laughed when I wrote this line, so I'm pretty sure we were on video chat while writing this.
- "Sonichu was dancing around like a gypsy in France." - this is a reference to a Bill Burr podcast I had listened to sometime before we wrote this story. On that podcast, Bill recounted a tale about how while he was in France, a gypsy tried to pickpocket him.
- "“Would you like some lemonade?” He asked the others, being very original and sexy. “No this ain’t no minute-maid!”" - this is a reference to lyrics from Rivers Cuomo's song, Lemonade.
- "“I’m a man,” Tapion agreed. He fondled himself leisurely." - this is a reference to this scene from Seinfeld.
- "He was a giant dragon one, one that would make even Varka’s gape shrivel up in terror and cry tears of scarlet." - this is a reference to the website Bad Dragon (warning: NSFW). One of its founders is a dude named Varka who is notorious for posting videos online of him fucking impossibly-sized dildos. The tears of scarlet part is a reference to Cowboy Bebop. This reference has been used in numerous stories of mine, including my last completed one before this one, Scourge.
- "“It was a separate knob! Separate knob!” Jean Paul shouted in horror. “Why separate knob? Why separate knob?!”" - this is a reference to this scene from Seinfeld. This reference is rather clever, since "knob" can refer to a penis, too.
- "Dango nodded. “Chiaotzu, you are the blood of my blood.”" - this is a reference to how the Dothraki speak in A Song of Ice and Fire.
- "“It is known, praise Orville Redenbacher,” Tapion murmured." - the beginning is a reference to how the Dothraki speak in A Song of Ice and Fire. I don't know what made me use Orville Redenbacher, but that was really funny.
- I think the way we had Oolong change into a false Cock in the sky was rather funny and ingenious, coming from two drunk dudes. We used all of Oolong's potential in this story.
- I spent several paragraphs berating Toriyama for making Chiaotzu look so terrible (plus making him at all; the story would be no different without him). Basically, all of my writing was a roundabout way to rant about how fucking awful Chiaotzu is.
- The last line of this story was in reference to the picture at the top. We found it near the end of the writing, which is why we did not reference it sooner. But it was consistent with how we described Chiaotzu's relationship with Tien up to that point.
- DD stopped writing near the end of this story, leaving me to write almost all of the end (the bold words don't lie). His last line in the story was actually written well before we got to that part in the story. It was just randomly placed much higher, so I moved it down there. His last contribution was "Oolong shapeshifted into a penis." at 1:22 am, which was 32 minutes before the story was completed. That annoyed me that he just stopped doing shit. I think he might've passed out for a short period of time or something. I don't remember.
- It was 100% a coincidence that we wrote this story on the same day that the United States legalized gay marriage. At least for me (I can't speak for DD), I didn't write this story to have any political meaning or be in reference to that. If I had, there would have been at least one reference to that Supreme Court decision. Alas, there is no such reference in this story, proving that neither had anything to do with each other.
I found this story really funny. The writing is really good considering DD and I were drunk while writing it. There's actually a plot, convoluted as it is, and funny dialogue. The buildup to the "Dango ate your baby" part was awesome. I think DD and I worked well together on this story, though our disparate ideas can be seen in the beginning. The ending is very strong and the jokes are what I like. And, my god, there are a lot of references to things, at least on my end - way more references than I remembered there being. As per usual, I won't rate this story, since it's one of those drunk humor stories, but it's still really funny, and I'd say it is clearly better than The Anonymous Series.
<---- Part 54
Part 56 ---->