This story is part three in the series of drunk stories Destructivedisk and I have recently been writing (the other two are The Ballad of Dango and Zarbon and Dodoria: A Love Story). We may make this into a collection at some point in the future, but as of writing this commentary, we don't have a name for this collection. I should also mention that I expect us to write at least one more of this kind of story, but nothing is certain. There could be way more, or perhaps no more. I don't know. Hopefully DD is be up for writing more of these things.
Anyways, this story was the hardest of the three drunk one-shots to write because it was difficult to schedule times to write it. Since both DD and I had to get wasted before writing, that limited when we could write this. He also had a problem getting alcohol for a good amount of time, which prevented this story from being completed for a while.
We wrote this story over four days. The first part was written on December 30, 2015 while I was over my friend's house. This made it harder to coordinate with Destructivedisk. Also, my friend (Mr. Q) wrote a bit of the story during that time, but I later deleted his contributions on January 12, 2016. I don't remember what prevented us from writing more than the first 1200 words or so, but it might've been Destructivedisk falling asleep. I really wanted to complete this story in 2015, but alas it just wasn't meant to be.
The next time we wrote was on January 22, 2016. I don't remember much about this section of writing, but I think it ended like all the rest - with DD falling asleep. We were pretty productive on that day - writing another 2500 words of the story - but by the end of it, it was clear the story was not reaching its conclusion and needed at least one more day of writing to be completed. By this point, it was becoming clear how hard it would be to continue writing it, as DD mentioned that he wouldn't have access to alcohol for a good many weeks afterwards. There was discussion about just posting what existed after these two days of writing, but I thought that the story wasn't good enough in its form then, so writing some more was the only option, even if it would take many more weeks.
We next got together to write on March 20, 2016. We wrote for a good hour and a half before DD fell asleep again, I think. Either way, I was very drunk during the writing of the third section (I made many more spelling errors around this time, which you will notice). But again, after we finished writing on that day, the story didn't feel like it was over. There was more left to do! Besides, we only wrote roughly 1500 words that day, so not that much progress was made.
So we got together on March 24, 2016 to finally end this thing. And we banged out a lot of story that day - we wrote over 3700 words. Destructivedisk once again fell asleep when the story ended, and I would have liked him to do another few sections with me, but the story was really, really long by this point, so I was fine ending it where we did.
This story was a unique experience, because it was essentially four separate stories because of the time differences between writing each section. For me, I can see "what I was into" at the time I wrote each section, with quite different references in each section and whatnot. I'll get into this more into the endnotes. For that reason, it's a pretty interesting story, though I know DD probably just thinks this is a pile of nonsense not worth analyzing.
Story[edit | edit source]
The stuff that I wrote is in bold.
“My boobs, Megasa squeeze them!”
“fuck jeekers mmcock”
Once upon a time there lived a dragon ball character and his or her or its name was Dean Galloway. He was a rather eccentric individual - he lived by himself in a cabin in the woods,and he seldom spoke to anyone, for he lived in a cabin in the woods. Yet he was a rather strong individual, who had a max potential form, and it was unclear just how strong this max potential form was. He was a rather cool individual, though.
Launch always thought Bulma looked hot, and Muten Turtle couldn’t disagree. They were both hot and he needed them together now pronto andale orele muchacho. One day old Roshi was talking to his little turtle, who liked to go away when it was cold and get real small and Roshi hated that about him. And Roshi said,
“If I can’t get the Bloomers, I want Launch to get them.”
“But Master,” replied turtle in that dumb voice of his omg get a better voice actor, “how do we know those two are gay?”
“Just look at their hair you turtle freak. Launch is a classic butch I seen it on my workout tapes.”
Roshi therefore developed a plan to get the two to fuck each other in front of him. He was a horny old hermit. He liked to go on the request board of 4chan and request a faceswap wherein the faces of two lesbians was swapped with the faces of launch and bulma, because that’s what got him nice and ‘hard’. blood flow to his old penis was scarce, but he would work it out.
he liked the beatles, because he was around when they were big. but he knew he could get launch and bulma to engage in clitoral stimulation together. it would only take a bit of finesssing. he was one of the top 15 teams in the country, after all. the clitoris was key. why do all the statistics try to prophesize the outcome of the match, yo? anyways, he knew that getting them to fuck would require a lot of blackmail.
thusly, he gathered his nude pictures of them both. he had spent a fairly substantial portion of time living with bulma and launch, and had, as such, gathered a lot of nude pictures of them both. it was not particularly hard, even. don’t get it twisted - Roshi was a horny, old individual, but he was still incredibly smart and crafty. he had the hardest dick of them all. especially when he was looking at Tights, Bulma’s sister.
oh fuck, don’t even get Roshi started on Tights. that bitch had the tightest ass of them all, and those DD titties. every high schooler was absolutely mad to get it on with Tights. it was like Superbad, where they bought em vodka so that they would fuck em. but they had too much respect for her to let it go through.
but I have a pretty serious problem with premature ejaculation, so i always drink before i fuck my girlfriend. she used to say “you need to give me more orgasms”. but then I started drinking before I fucked her, and now she doesn’t complain at all. I made her girlcum the first time before fucking her the other day. I was fucking her doggystyle, but I finished. and then I just rubbed her clit for a while and she came, and it was fuckin glorious. then I whispered to her, “you’re not allowed to complain about me finishing too early anymore”. and she just giggled and shit and I knew I had her.
anyways bulma fucked tights or whatever.
Bulma is a hot girl. Canon fact. Roshi was like yo turtle you like that blue hair and turtle was like eyy brah the carpet matches the drapes and Roshi was all i have the pics to prove it and turtle was all you go girl.
So Roshi went to Launch and showed her pics of Bulma taking a shower in Kame House bathroom special. “You like that Blonde Launch cuz ur the butch one also why do lesbians act like men if they hate men i never understood why they are so manly wtf they dont even hae a dick”
“What u talkin bout old man said launch and fired a bunch of machien gun bullets at him, causing Roshi to premature ejaculate much like destuctivedisk. “is bulma pretty”
“ u look”
“ya she got pretty puse’”
“No thats hank the tank hes a tier 1 kitty owned by mr. q my best friend in the world, hank almost died but now he’s alive and i love him i pet him and he silts on my lap as i write this plus i cut a hole in my popcorn for hank just for hank ok”
This convinced launch who decided to launch herself at bulma.
“Dont forget tights, she is bulmas sister and even hotter?”
“I like the puse of tights and bulma” grunts Launch as she strokes her machine gun “ i must put this inside them and unload”
o shit what is this story even about motherfuckers.
its about roshi tryin t o get bulma and launch and maybe tights to get it on so he can finally asturgbate after years of not being able to ‘
the hero’s journey starts with denial. and with roshi, it started with him being unable to masturbate because his penis denied him the opportunity to. he needed to foster enw masturbatory material, so that his penis could give him the opportunity to masturbate in the future.
it was a real ride. sometimes he wanted to masturbate, but he couldn’t find the means. it was a real paradox, because the internet afforded him millions of naked pictures to use as masturbatory material. but he couldn’t use them, because he wanted to masturbate to pictures of people he knew. but the people he knew weren’t nude, which made it exceptionally difficult to masturbate to them. Roshi was, simply, at a loss.
and thus, Roshi started masturbating to the thought of tights.
Tights was super tight for Roshi. Roshi liked it when it was super tight he bought the fleshlight that was the lotus insert which was not as good as the mouth insert called speed bump, which M. I seems to enjoy the most (in his own words). Tights is tight af because she never went with bulma before.
Launch diedced to buy a strap on cuz shes teh butch in this three way. “Hpw do we get bulma nad tights here she asked roshi”
“Good question” turtle jr.
“bulma likes my dragon balls i just gotta say i got em all Roshi spit and his precum was all over his helmet.
“good good said butch “i wanna put my chaine gun in her right now”
“Hi buljmA” said Roshi on phone call, “i got dragons balls ok wanna lick my balls ok come over quick the dragon balls r for you”
“oh yeah alright are you gonna be in puse tonight”
Roshi knew something was off immediately. The voice wasn’t quite as angelic as Bulma’s voice - nay, it was actually quite masculine, and the grammar wasn’t even correct. It sounded like the voice of a wannabe frat star who never quite had the chance to make it. The type of guy who preppy girls never looked - why should they? It was absurd.
“Is that…is that…” Roshi stuttered, “Is that Yamcha?”
The voice on the other end of the phone froze. The air was so tense that it needed a masseuse to deal with its back pain and its regular migraines. It was immediately clear to everyone in the conversation that Yamcha was on the other end of the phone. This immediately raised a huge string of questions. Why was Yamcha using Bulma’s phone, even though she was married to Vegeta? Why would Yamcha say “oh yeah alright are you gonna be in puse tonight”? Why would Yamcha try to convince Roshi that he was talking to Bulma? What type of man was he? Why did Launch want to put a machine gun in Bulma’s vagina?
“No way man. I’m the batman! Wolf fang fist, ayoo!”
With that Roshi’s phone exploded into a cornucopia of confetti. He was left perplexed, flummoxed, and a little aroused. He began to play with lil roshi to get his mind off of the horrible events that just happened.
At once, a large explosion exploded above Kame House. Turtle fled as did oolong he jumped into the sea. Roshi scratched his beard and was blown over into a huge sand dune. He got sand in his urethra.
When he looked up, Roshi saw amost wonderful sight! It was a helicopter itself!!!!! With none other than the most beautiful man in the world.
“Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event!” screamed the blond-haired man who held a mircofphone and wore a nice wonderful honest vegeta. “내신발은광이나지, 내여자는쌈빡하지!”
And with that Yamcha, Bulma, Tights, and Dean Galloway jumped out of the helicopter and down onto Roshi’s lil island. It was a quaint little island, one where he would eventually kill himself. But today was not that day. Lord knows I cannot change.
Dean Galloway was Tights’ boyfriend, and liked fucking her in her tight pussy. It was his main hobby. He also liked her tight ass and her GG boobies, because they were nice. It was like the part in Superbad where he buys her the vodka so that she’ll give him the best BJ in Oklahoma. However, he was very protective of Bulma for some reason. He decided that it was time to teach Roshi and Oolong a lesson for trying to have sex with them or whatever this story is about.
He sprung at Roshi and threw a punch at him, but Roshi was able to dodge it, the crafty motherfucker he was. He threw a left hook at him as mixup, but Roshi blocked it. Roshi jumped into the air and thrust his knee into Dean, who was sent back, but he was able to stop his momentum by putting his feet into the ground. He came back with a firey punch, sending Roshi into the air before Dean jumped into the air. He did a flip in the air with his legs extended, which hit Roshi’s torso and sent him flying.
Roshi punched into the air with his penis to halt the momentum, and he managed to somewhat stabilize his condition. He returned to the ground, for he was merely a human who could not fly. He knew that he had finally met his equal, and that it was, at long last, time for him to transcend.
The earth quivered beneath him. Tufts of sand flew up from the ground. An aura appeared around him, blue and shiny. His muscles enlarged greatly as he achieved his 100% power form, something that no other mortal has ever been able to achieve. He grew a mustache out of pure masculinity. He was, for lack of a better term, ready to kick some ass.
Oolong ran over and poured a vat of oil on Roshi, making him sparkly as a sparkler in a urethra.
Roshi grunted, “I teach you im mustachio the grey worm”
He punched dean one time that fkr and dean went blasting off again into the moon which roshi blew up good heavens rip in piece he was dead and gone and no one cared even one bit even though he has a page on DB wiki no one gives a fuck about that guy i mean you cant name one fan who even knows him hes better off dead well done Roshi
Roshi pointed to the sand whic his the best place to have sex in my experience its not like the sand gets all over you or inside you or makes it hard to pound that puse if you know what i mean
“Laucnh loves Bouma, and Bulma loves Launch, lets see it honey awooheehehee,” he did that little Roshi pervert laugh he always does. “Lets see some actions girls, awooheehehehehe!” then his nose burst and he got blodo all over them. Yamcha who was standing nearby saw the blood and howled like a wolf in heat. He likes that a lot he wants to fuck Bulma so hard while shes on her period that hes dipping a breadstick int othe sauce.
Ok so now you must be asking why Yamcha is whith bulma. This is true he is not her husband not even a little bit as handsome as vegetr. But Yamcha is a craft ybandit. IOne time he tried to blow up Gokus car with a roket launcher that was balla af. Now he try to get back with Bulma say he will tape her scene with launch. He hopes it doesn’t go like that one camera man who got the cumshot on his face and went into a panic attack. Luckily he is filming two girls so such a cumshot is not likely. Sonce they finish, he hopes to spring in like a wolf fang fist and do his yamcha thing of dying immediately.
The Tournamnet Announcer who was once Yamcha’s best friend but now almsot never talks to him unless they are writing a drunk story together commented on the whole precedings with lots of “oohs and ahhs” and “This is one of the books, folks, look at that girl squirt!” “Look at the size of her puse, you could fit a raccoon in there!” “That’s the signature move (when she shoots milk from her nipples, which incidentally enough is one of HZ’s many fetishes), I’m amazed seeing it!”
It was hotter than a monster penis fucking a normal girl. It was hotter than one of those videos where a monster cock ejaculates like a gallon of cum onto a bitchs face. But the sex had yet to occur, because Bulma had no legitimate reason to scissor with Launch at this point. Roshi still had to convince her. But he could be very persuasive, because he was Roshi.
The big question is at what point are lesbians having sex. If we liten to the wise words of William Rodham Clinton, they ain’t never gonna fuck. Oral sex isn’t sex, after all, and what else do those dykes really have? This left Launch in quite the predicament cuz she wanted to lose her virginity, but lesbians can never lose their virginity. “I must unbecome a lesbian” she shouted.
“No!” roared Roshi, Ooling, Turtle jr., Yamcha, Tournament Announcer together. “We wanna see a pillow fight!”
Tourney dude threw several pillows at them. “Pillow fight, and then as Jerrah Seinfeld says, that always descends into some kissing and licking and more fun for the whole family. It’s incredible!”
And so it appeared that Launch and Bulma and Tights all began to fight with pillows. It was a bloody affair, much like Nappa vs. Chiaotzu, and it ended with a similarly poignant explosion of female cum, which some think is piss, and which Mr. Q finds more erotic than a fully functioning sybian machine railing a girl of legal age.
Yet when my girlfirned cums, it at is al teast 50$ cum. She is on a type of birth contro. medication which makes her constantly be on her period, which sucks Yet I have leardeto deal with it, becasue I love my getting my dick wet. Roshi s much the same way. He loves hetting his little willy wet, even if it gets wet with blood.
Laucnh’s menstrual blood was type AB, and Bulma’s menstrual blood was type O. It meant that they coudln’t have a blood transfusion, but ehy could still fuck all they wanted with no risk of aids. After all aids was only transmitted when they had the same blood. you can’t argue with science.
yet bulma remained unconvicned. :aunch obviously had the nicest titties in all of dragon land, yet that had nothing to do with whether bulma would fuck her because bulma had the second nicest titties in all dragon land. it would take so more convincing before bulma would have wild hot sex with launch.
it was then that roshi spoke up. “I will put your nudes onto a revenge porn thread if you don’t scissor uncontrollably with launc”. he was a horny old badger - a horndog, so to speak. he liked nothing more than to watch two girls go at it while he masturbated furiously, because he was a horn dog. it reminded him an old movie where two girls sixty-nined like regular yellow jackets.
that pussy was tigher than a straightjacket, whcih Roshi probably belonged in ebcause he was craszy for the pussy. ehe wanted to eat the pussy like it was a bag of salt n vinegar potato chipsm because hthat’s how he liekd the pussy. salty n sweett, so to speak. he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend, even though he didnt have one.
That’s kinda how Roshi was. He loved his girlfriend dearly, but his cock wanted him to fuck this other bitch too. his girlfriend (who didnt exist) wasn’t very attractive, but she was very in love with Roshi. She wanted to talk to him every day and thought about him before she went to bed. Yet Roshi, sadly, did not feel the same way about his (imaginary) girlfriend. He still liked her, but he didn’t think about her every day, nor did he think excljusivly about her.
Often did he thinka bout other girls, such as Launch and bulma. Indeed, he was texting Bulma right now. He was threatening Bulma that he would tell Vegeta about her extramaritla affair with Yamcha, which would surely scare the shit out of her big titties. Big titties are a must, after all. He wanted to put his wham dam doobily in her mouth, if you know what I’m saying (wham dam doobily is another word for penis).
She wasn’t going for it though, which sucked. She was probably one of those girls who refused to let a guy cheat on his girlfriend like she was some kinda saint or some shit. But she still probabbly licked her ex-boyfriends cock and sent him nudes and shit, which was equally as fucked up. Fuck that noise, am I right?
ya brah fuck it right in the puse
Bulma is so fucking hot. Roshi was into that shit. Laucnh is hot too, but she can’t compare to bulma. Bulma has some questionable hairstyles to be honest and I’m not sure what toriyama was thinking. those hairdoes she has in early db and before androids are fucking ugly as fuck. I mean the titties are nice but I’m not fucking her with the lights turned off
“In the distance, a bastard child scream!” cried Tights. Tights if hot if one has been drunk for at least an hour.
Now why would the bastard child scream?
His name is Upa that’s why. He’s a fucker, worst character in Dragon Ball by far. Toriyama was high as a kite when he wrote for that guy. To even make him shows a clear lack of sanity. I hate it when people do that and I would kill Toriyama myself if I could. Upa is like a period himself. You hate it but you gotta go through it. As dd said gotta get your dick wet.
Now what made Upa scream you might ask. Well stop fucking asking me questions im not alex trabeck. But really, it’s quite obvious. When Korin sleeps, the Yajirobe awakens and has to fulfill his inner desire, and no this is not a food joke this is another sex joke. Yajirobe faps off the edge of Korin Tower because he has a sunset fetish. And one day his cum fell like a million feet and got a headshot on Upa. It was a crit. if I ever saw one. KO. Upa’s down, nigga. That little Indian kid got a cumshot just like deserved from the third best charcter in DB history.
Now we return to Tights who was feeling left out. She wanted to taste Launch’s puse. She wanted some of that salt and vinegar action yum yum im hungry af. But Lauch didn’t like Tights as much cuz she had smaller boobs and a terrible face that only Jaco could love.
“Did someone order Tuna,” grunted Oolong as he watched lesbian action. “Here fishy fishy”.
“Oh come on Oolong, that’s unfair joke it’s not true,” Puar screamed.
“Hehe, Puar, shut the fuck up,” Yamcha said. He swung his baseball bat and smiled to the camera trying to get a girl to fall for him. “I’m uncut and my dick smells like a marlin”.
Tights also had pubic hair, which is a big no-no in the lesbian trade. You have to be able to lick the pussies, so this means you cannot have hair down there, it’s not okay. So to fix this problem, Roshi ripped off his shirt and moaned lustily. A second later, a shot of hot white energy sot from him and hit Tights right in the box. “Kamehameha!” Tourney announcer squealed in delight. “All the hair singed right off! A miracle in the kame island expressway!”
Everyone cheered and then lesbians began to shlick together. Triple scissor action. Yamcha are you getting this with your camera (no he’s posing baseball fucker).
“Crickey make we got some lesbos in action,” dave dameshek grunte “Look at how they mate in the wild” he was hiding behind some bushes, funny cuz esbians were alls hiavec\d,. He looks lup ith bionculars. “Crickey there licking aech other. Its hot i wanna fap but im a professional. “Dameshek here, if you like my documentary on lesbians, please check out the Dave Dameshek Football Program, we discuss with Mark Istuc and Bucky Brooks all sorts of shit one kcars about, the draft combine, etc. Plus, lesbians like to lick each others puses”
“Lick that baby dick!” Yamcha screamed. A clitoris is an underdeveloped bbaby benis as we all know which got yamcher wrealy rutned on.
“All humasn are girls before they turne into boys sometimes” Cris Mercer said, “The government did 9/11. Dunald rumsefld is a fucker.. I like girls but i look like aol faggot. You cant control me no more cleopatrura, patu,ra ,paturra, haha I like sher.”
At this moment, Launch decided to suckle at bulma’s clitoris. This is so hot that roshi screamed and volcanoes exploded he cum like a bitch in heat.
Yet there was an ever-present fear that Dave Dameshek was there for dishonest reasons. Indeed, he had his own camera, and it appeared that he was recording the ultra-hot sexual lesbian action himself. This would inevitably cut into Yamcha’s profit margin, because he needed a monopoly on videos of Bulma and Launch fucking. So he needed to take care of this problem.
So he chalenged Dave Dameshek to a cock battle, wherein the two would fight each other, but only with their penises. Yet Yamcha’s feeble attempts at cock battling were misguided - he knew nothing of Australian geneaology. They were alll descended from rapists, as we know, because the British (are cumming) had sent all of their rapistgs to australia because it was a prison colony or som shit. Another well-established sociological fact is that rapists have huge penises. Therefore, because penis size was genetic, and because all australians were descended from rapists, and because all rapists have penises, all australians have huge penises.
Yamcha was therefore in a rut. They both unzipped their pants, him and Dave Dameshek, and began to duel. Yet Dave had what was known as a super saiyan penis - it was nine and a half inches long, with many pubic hairs that were very long and impressive. Little did Yamcha know, Dave bleached his own pubic hairs each night, He was known to his friends as doctor cock. Give him a call.
Yet Yamcha had a trick up his sleeve. Something that very few people knew about. Years before, in athe years rarely spoken of, Roshi had mastered a max potential for in which he became incredibly muscular and was able to put out forest fires and shit. Yamcha had studied under Roshi for years. He had carefully traced every one of his movements and his techniques, and sought to replicate his prowess. And, after years of careful training and practice, Yamcha had finally managed to match his mentor.
With the swiftness of a great typhoon, Yamcha became ultra muscular, and so did his penis. It grew to enormous proportions and became simultaneously very muscular. There were huge ridges on his penis that looked like biceps and large distrotions in his cok that looked like triceps. It was a sight to behold, for there was nothing else in the world that looked quite like it. He couldn;t beileve it hismefl, becaused he had never had looked at his penis before while in his 100 percent power form. Roshi surely had, though.
And he knew that he was ready to take on the beast that was Dave Dameshek. It was time, and he was the one true god, (Juan).
Bumla has an innie puse bug lauhcnbh has the outie puse (shes meaty af0. Lil jimmy norton thinks that meaty puses ar the way to go but i pefer the innie puse cuz it looks tight af. Bulma is of course tihht since vegeta only baned her twice and yamcha never got to touch that puse. Yamcha is a awful character and hesf feral. He wants to eat his cum after bulYahcmah holwed at the moon for support but heforogt shek republics iggest weabpon: the man named adam rank hes bald and fat and he has a cock the size of a juniper bery.
Adam rank rambled on about shit on noe cares about but this got laucnh so hot. She wanted bulma so bad she licked inside her puse and even tihts got involved. Tights licke bumlmas puse and bulma sit there with te dragon radar and gos oooh roshi i need all the dragon balls
Roshi leaps up hes tear off his shirt and is jackien chun now. “Haha baby, i got just what the doctor ordered and theres no one with a bigger cock than me. He saw yamcha standing there getting ready to duel damekshek and then started to fuck yamcha in the ass yamcha howled like a wolf he loves it”
He knew right then that it was over and done, and he couldn’t belive that he was free. He’ll be around, he’ll be in town, if anybody needs a place to stay. Rhythmically, cathartically, he entered and exited the bumhole of Yamcha. Theyw ere theonly two humans to ever achieve the max potential form. But now they were going down, and they didn’t know if they were going to be okay. The camera had taken on a life of its own - in light of all the ridiculous stuff that had happened, the Cameria had acquired sentiance, and was now simply following everything that happened.
Turtge felt bad fort all the poor people who were jerking off to Bulma and Launch only for the camera to switch to Roshi fucking Yamcha up the ass. Et it as necessary. Roshi now had a hard-on for the first time in many years, and the peopel throughout the world who had a grand-pa fetish were turned on like a refridgerator. This man was liek five hundred and fifty years old., for christ’s sake, and he was fucking a professional baseball player. Imagine if a video came out of the queen of england fucking aaron rodriguez - it would chajnge everything. This was basically what was happnin on video right now, and the camera was smart enoguh to record it.
Yamcha, nevertheless, had already committed himself to a cockfight. He lunged at Dave Dameshek with his cock out, Roshi in the backside of him. Roshi shot a huge load of cum that functioned as an adhesive, and he was suddenly stuck in Yamcha’s asshole wehther he liked it or not. There was no escape (from Yamcha’s asshole). It was lit as shit. It was tight as shit. And they both had aids now, because Ymacha once fucked a prostitute who had aids while with his baseball team on the travel bus. It made him feel like a rock star, or, more accurately, like a cock star.
His mom had herpes, and it made him feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, Ymacha would search the medicine cabinet for xanax (since his mom had a prescription to the stuff), but he would instead find prescritpions for various herpes medications. They all had descriptions like “insert vaginally two times a day as needed”, but Ymacha just decided to ignore it. He was super rich, after all, from all the baseball, so he could buy whatever drug he needed whenever he wanted.
Yancha was a furry at heartwh ich mean he went to convensionts and other shit it was horribe. His dick went into rigo mortris.
“Don’t worry its gonna be alriht if ur on a sinking ship,” BUlma said hlefupfuly. “I’m only sexually attracted to female hominids,” she laughed. That made Yamcha burst 99 balloons. “Launch is my new husuband.”
Launch sneezed and turned into a 20 foot tall jackalope. She had a penis the size of a bottle of whisky, which was really quite small for soemone of her size. She tried to fuck Bulma with it, but the glass broke almsot as soon as it hit the girl’s womb. “Oops,” she sceramed. “Fuck my bellybutton.”
That was a good sized hole for bulma’s clitoris.
“Many holes or mini wholes? Q.S. Sims asked.
‘’I was a fighter, a governor, a navy seal,” said EE Cummings (unforunate name haha). But the raccoon won’t get this bird!” He rushed forward to Tihts and blew her up with a nice “Allahu Akbar”, evn though she wasnt a trap.
Bulma loved vore so she shiclked and she shlicked until Lunch and to fist her up the anus to stop her from cumming again.
“No fair,” squeals the Launch. “I want cummies to.”
\bitch I lok like goku,” said Roshi. “O?ppin on that marinjun. I lovoe the smelll of my ownp enis it getns the girls all driled upl. Haha ,nigras tuonuge my anus./”
Rioshi chatherd up the girls. “/Lelts make ma sex take=ppe “
“Aye” says bulma. “Aye, my pussy nedds ma ood plicking.”
“Jim launch I’m’ buth and like pussy.”
“Here kitty kity I’ve got katnip.” Get it cuz girls havepus ses. “Man the puse game ridculuoosly” sas roshi my face is al tingly. It’s okay just keep writing dude.
Marcus arellius says letsl ick the puse. Like that puse the puse game ridiculous sayas roshi he starts rapping like a cracker on coaine methapmehtampines.
“I got me Bulma and Lauch.” Puses in the mix. Puse get them. Yo I got the puse, it feels so tight. When I cum in the pus I feel alirght.
It was then that Roshi experienced a re-awakening. It is often stated that water is associated with a re-awakening, a reincarnation, a renaissance, or a cleansing. Roshi lived on an island, so it seemed exceedingly likely that at least one of those things would happen to him. And, it just so happened, such a thing did happen to him. At that very moment, a hallucination of Master Mutaito occured before him, in his sexualized stupor. He was unable to separate fact from fiction, reality from fantasy, in his current state. After all, 97% of the blood in his body was in his penis, so he was feeling pretty loopy. And there was Mutaito.
And Mutaito spoke. He said, “yo Roshi the pussy game strong and everything, but you need to seriously reconsider your priorities. Your friends and family are worried about you. You have a serious alcohol problem, and it needs to be addressed. You go to school drunk almost every day, and it makes people worried about you. Your inappropriate actions and your terrible habits have alienated many of your friends from you. You often complain about being alone, but, in truth, you are the reason that your friends won’t talk to you. You’ve stopped doing homework and you’ve stopped doing anything in school, so it seems like you’ve lost all interest in normal life. Roshi, you’ve developed a psychological addiction to cough syrup, and you do it every few days without stop. If you want to rekindle your friendship with former friends and revitalize your relationship with your girlfriend, you need to seriously consider sobriety and become the man that you want to be. Because I know that you haven’t achieved your full potential in your current state. But also stick your dick in Tights or whatever”.
Mutaito’s speech touched Roshi in a place where he had never been touched before. His head tingled, but many other parts of his bodies tingled too. The hair on his jaw tingled, his lips tingled, hnis nose tingled, his jaw itself tingled, and his eyelids tingled. He knew that it was time to make a change, and it was time to make that change before it was too late. He had to blow a huge load inside either Bulma or Launch before the night was through. And, for a man who hadn’t blown a load in seven decades, that was quite the serious undertakin.
Yet Roshi was up to the challenge. Nothing scared him, not anymore. He had faced down piccolo and buu and cell and frieza and shit because he wa s a real fucking G. But he was just a mere mortal. He needed to fuck a bitch up to prove his mortality, And yet, he found it difficul to last more than a couple minutes, even though his (imaginary) girlfriend lasted like forty-five minutes for some reason. This was his grandest undertaking since he attempted anal with his girlriend.
Roshi briefly considered the weezer song “calirornia kidzs”. One of the lyrics said “it’s gonna be alright if you’re on a sinngking ship. The california kids will throw you a lifeline”. Roshi felt like this stpmke to him because he had beene waiting on a lifeline to occur and throw him a way to get him out of the slef-depressed slump that he existed in. he didn’t know if it was drepression or whatever befcause he didn;t know exactly what depression was, but he knew that he felt the saddest theat he ever had felt. He just wanted it to be over so that he could go back to feeling normal for the frst time in a very long time.
So he put his dick in Tights’ asshole. He felt like an asshole, but he just fcuekd a model. And ehe had just blaceached her assholed, in attempt to voer up her imperfection. But, neverthelesses, he felt like an asshole. He hated feeling like an asshole; he always wamted to be a good person, a nice person. Yet such a goal was unachievable. He knew that he would always be the worst type of person, the ttype of guy who liked to fuck hookers in their ass without protection. Hahahaha! I alone shall laugh, He hit dave dameshek with a cock thrust that could threaten Gods, and he began a journet of self-awakening thereafter as Bulma and Launch scissored one another in a very sexy way ;)
Bulma fucked roshi in her puse ass. It was tight yo. It rmeinded him of tights but she was dead. Her gore was all over the beach that was hot so roshi and bulmacover d themselves in it and sat down in the mud
“Do it do it now!” Roshi screamd” im’ a fuckin choir boy compared to you, a cohir boy!”
“The penis is merely an overddeveloped clitorsi” said Chris Mercer. “Yer a fuckin fagot if you like to lick the litoris”
“Hehe ohoho hehe ahaha waowaho bazngia” squealed roshi and e nursed at bulmas clitoris. “Haha, that rhyjmes with dolores!”
The audience clapped a lot. Bitchface mctitittyvolacanoes swing in the wind like a couple of bolognia slices.
One time Roshi dressed up as the grim reaper and he went to an old person’s home. He wanted t og ets ome puse but really it just made everyone scared about their niveitable deaths. Everyone dies just like everyone has anal.
Roshi be all like “bich i liok like goku, bitch i look like vegeta, lbtich i look like gohan hoppin on that marijun.” He geabbed Bulma and Launch and hug them tight. “Haha my bitches apologize, get on ur knees and such my cock, and in tht order, and I’ll take you back! Haha I’m the king of the western seas!”
This was all well and good byt bulmas pussy was as dry as an ethopian butthole. “I want to cum”
“Girl cum is an evolutionary vestiage” said Crhis Mercer helpfully. “Girls aren’t supposed to cum. I don’t see any point to it, haha! Sher sucks my balls, which are big and hairy and I like to run marathons”
It was exactly then that Dave Dameshek got Roshi with a seank attack. Roshi had been wildly distracted by the titties of bulam and Launchf or many hours now, and DAve Dameshek had been honing his cock. Now, he was ready. Hed was like a tiget, sleeping in the jungle. He waited for vulnerability, and then he pounced. And as such, he pounded upon Roshi, penis-first. He was not joking around in this cockfight.
He slapped Roshi across the face with his dick. Roshi was unprepared for such a massive Australian strike, because almost all of the blood in his body wasc conertrated in his penis. Yet he was not one to simply give in like that. He was a figter, a champion, a navy seal, and a governor., He knew of all the lies in the world and was determined to figh tagainst the, to prove that his penis was stronge thanm Dave Dameshek’s penixs. Such a feat would not beasy, yet Roshi knew that he had it in him.
With all the force of a great typhoon, Roshi put his dick in Laucn, If he could make her cum before Dave Dameshek could kill him, he would win the cok fight by default. These were teh rules, etched in stone. You can look the rules up yourself. Rule 18B: “if you can make a bitch cum with your cok ebfore the other guy fucks you with his cock, you win the cock fight and he can’t even complain about”. As such, Roshi weathered the cock assult that occured. Dave repeatedly slapped his cock against Roshi’s face, hoping to impede his sexual advanfces upon Launch.
Yet it was to no avail. Roshi continued pounding Launch, even as Dave slapped his face repatelyed with his penile organ. Roshi was a man who was decdicaeted ad unchangeable. He was on a mission, and nothing could stop. Launch felt her little girl penis (also known as a clitoris) grow in size and proportion. Roshi began to rub that little girl penis witgh great figure, which was fucking awesome for Launch ebcause hew as like the strongest guy ever or something. She bordered upon orgasm, and felt her eyes close as she imagined heaven surround him.
Nevertheless, Bulma grew jealous of Launch, and Dave Dameshek ebcame frustrated that his cock was not enoguh to deter Roshi from his goals. So they decided to conspire on a plan to stop Roshi from achieving his goal of blowing a giant load inside of Bulma. It was the only way that this story could continue, and it was the only way that both characters could accomplish their motives.
So Dave said to Bulma “ey bulma I’m hot as fuck for you. Do you awnt to grab Roshi’s penis and stop his from fucking Launch and then put his dick in our mouths and switch off side by side”
The camera caught all of this. It was all going on tape. It would sel more copes than the cardashain sex tape because this shit was fucking legendary. Everyone would be ashamed of what happened, but they would become millionaires too. Roshi would finally be able to pay off the debt he had accumulated from buying billions of dollars worth of nugget porn, because he had been into that shit for a while. After all if you watch enoguh oirn, you eventually need to find a fetish or else it all becomes boring forever. Roshi, as a man who was five hundred and fifty years old, had been through virtually every fetish there was, and grown tired of all of them. At the time, he was interested in girls who shot milk out of their titties while swallowing cum at the same Yet for a while during his three hundreds, Roshi had jerked off exclusively to nugget porn. He remembered those days, fondly.
Yo dragon I wish for my clit to grow three timsin size. “ And like the grinch Bulma got a big girl penis. Roshis dragon balls were spent. Shenlonggrunted and then sudeenly white lite whetn around Bulma and she got a huge clit. It was massive, more than twice as big as hyper zergling’s small asian penis, which tends to hide in his pubic hair and is never seen soy ou just have to close your eyes and dive in for it. Bulma was very happy. Ollong jumped into the air and started grunting. Puar screamed and came all over the plae.
IT was a miracle of aerodynamics. Buma’s clit was now biger than roshi’s cokc. “Ok now I must win this cock fight.”
She took out her cock and pointed it at Shekky and Roshi. “This town aint big enough fort the three of us.”
“I hate petyon manning”offer ed dave dameshek with his useful commentary which is really not useful and is just a waste of air but I digress.”
“Ahoo weehee, look there’s sando my ballsack!” Roshi tittered. Suddenly, his nose exploded with a bunch of blood and he fell over dead.
“Wow, and how, what a question of surprise!” Bulma began to perform autocunnilinguis whch had evern been see nbefore but it’s so hot I’m cuming right now are you gettin this camera man. “Yes said ?Yamcha. “This is like eighth grade when ew used to toscuk on salty pennies to guess how a puse would taste.”
“Haha well done yamcha, back to you walter,? Said the fedreil porter.
Launch was not impressdd. “Look I have a low digitr ratio she said when hse took out her measuring teap.e And my clits as long as a glacier. I don’t have to take this from you weebs.”
“Weebs are trash,” Bulma admitted.
“Hitler did nothing wrong,” nodded Yamcha. He was sucking on a lollerpop and singing the theme song to sonic satam. “
Yet thacmcha was still there, and he had an experimaent, He had abaseball bat, and hehad but onething to test with that basdeball bat. He wanted to see how much of the baseball bat he could fit into Bulma’s noose. Her chimney stop so to speak. He had a big vaginea because illke 10 different guys wanted to have sex with her over the ages, and she let him alll hav e sex with her because she was a slut. She had double d titties after all, according to her bra size.
Yamcha hoped to have sex wi her , yet bros before hoes (n crows before bros). He was, first and foremost, concerend about his bros. And, merely three days later, he was going to the lka ehis bros. His girlfriend was not going with the,. Yet he rarely hung out with shis firneds anymore. They seeemed to want nothing to do with him, This was concernignt to Yamcha, who merely wanted to be a friend for his firneds. He knew that, if he got drunk, he would talk to his friends about how he felt alienated and ostracized from his firnes. Yet his friends would thnen criticize him for being a pussy, which would make him feel vey bad. AS a result, he did not want to salk about su hf feelings with his friends, yet he feared that such conversatsions would be inevitable after he began the alcohol bender. This made gm very worried indeed, because he wanted to be a good friend for his buddies and he wanted to bes omewhbody that his buddies wanted to hang out with. Instead, he was simply depresed, and none of his pals ever wanted to see hi. It was a really unforunate predicament.
In his free time, Turtle liked to be an ayylien. While this mostly meant that he went out to parties, smoking copious amounts of dope (Smoke dope 2k16) and drinking and smoking all sorts of shit while girls patted him on the back, it also meant it was his duty to place anal probes in those he loved. This included Tidus, of course, aswel l as JimClassico, Musume, and GumiGumi. I like it when you call me big papa. Ill fist u and give u the reach around you feel me
“I feel u papa,” said turtle jr.
I want to make turtle soup. Seapking of soup, launches puse was like a swamp in the middle of august. There was so much hair and puse juice it was disgusting even oolong wanted to throw up. “And I once worked in a salmon fishery,” oolong grunted.
Also I just won a game as alien in epicmafia, whic is the hardest role to win as. Congrats gg, and Yamcha, no more fish jokes.
Some may wonder whether or Puar is a boy or a girl. Either way, Puar’s got at least one hoel, am i rithgt. Yamcha likes holes. isH dick likes holes like Gene Simmons like cocaine being snorted off his erect penile instrument. Yamcha says good enough for me and he plows inside it. Winthin two moments he cums, all his semen shoots into puar so hard that puar throws it up it comes out of his eyes, ears, belly button, and urethra, etc. Yamcha found all of this incredibly hot and decided to quit his baseball career to continue to fcuk the shit out of that stupid flying cat.
It was then that Yamcha decided that he should begin tying things up. As a rsult, he decied to tie his own penis upo with Puars, It was a boyscouts knot, so to speak, and he double knotted it, too. /He drossed his own epnis with Puars, and then crossed it again, and it made a large knot between the two of them. It resrticted the blood flow between teh two penises so al the bloods left their heads (;)), but they allowed it anyways becasue they really wanted to ‘tie the knot’ together.
Simultaneously, Yamcha decided to tie the knot with Bulma. In ths context, tie the knot referred to “forcibly restrain and then rape Bulma”. Which is exactly what Yamcha did. He tied Bulma down and decided to put his cock in that shit because she had really big tittied.
Ymacha hd ddcided to take french V because therw as this hot chick in the class who had really big tits and he liked to look at them a lot.He found out that she was taking french V and consequently he signed up for the class almost immediately. Unforunately, she was very religious, and very rarrely wore slutty or whorish attire. Yet, on the rare occasion that the did, Roshi jerked off to her with great intensity. He waited impatiently for the days upon she which worse low-cut attire, because really loved that cleavage.
Legit, though, she had like doubleG titties. They were huge and round and perfect. If Roshi could have chosen one girl to be his sex slave for the rest of his life, he would have chosen her, because she was hot as fuck. Roshi would have legitimately given his left testical in order to put his dick inside the girl, because she was ssexy as shit. Even her ass was pretty nice by conventional sstandards. Yet, itwas not the same.
Yamcha fell to the ground and began carressing the blow up doll who was stuck in the sand. "Does anybody love anybody as much as I love you, baby?" He ran his finger down the blow up doll's cheek and didn't even realize it was a male version.
"Yamcha this has gon e on long enough" scfreeched flying Puar.
"Shut fuck up you cocksucker dingbat wallaby," Yamcha squealed. One kamehameha dealt with that flying space trash and the kitty was soon blasting off again as a raging inferno, his fur aflame with Yamcha's energy.
“Wow folks, you couldnt’ have scripted this any better,” roared tournament announcer guy. Then he strained his necka nd blushed. “Ahoy there’s a whale approaching on the starboard side. Land whale ahoy!”
Indeed, a big fat girl with an iq of 250 was riding up to the island on a dialga who was obviously her sex slave because she was beautiful as fuck. “I want some fish sticks,” grunted oolong, “it sure smells like the sea now.”
Indeed, the fat girl who road upon a dialga had a puse the size of guatalcanal. It was like quezotcoatl had mated with a great white shark. She was as pretty as Bulma’s last shit.
“I demand you love me,” rorared the fat girl, but as she got closer, each penis became less and less erefct. Dave Daemshek ran off for the hills, screamingi n horror as every last drop of blood left his penis and returned to his oversized turtle fingers.
Yamcha collapsed on the gorund and began to shrink like the grandomther in that spongebob cholocate episode. Roshi screamed and pulled offhis shirt. He tried to go mega roshi jackie chan but it didn’t work. He didn’t have enough eroin to make his ween get larger. The fat girl was getting too close.
“Smells like a salmon fishery to me,” oolong squealed greedily. “I want ot batter them up!”
“No fair Oolong, you already made that joke 10 pages ago,” Puar complained.
“TShut the fuck up ugly motherfucker,” oloong kicked puar in the face and puar’s head exploded and he died and it was said rip in piece m8
Meanwhile Yamcha wanted to fuck bulma again. He especially liked her now that bevegeta had already cum inside her . That made yamcha want to fuck ever even more. He got turned on just thinking abotu the fan fic somone wrote about him and bulma sharing his cum with a kiss.
“Come on Bulma, let’s see that sweet puse I never saw it when I was with you, no fiar Vegeta faggot gets to get inside there.”
“I only like girls, especially Laucnh and tights, but she’s jsut a pile of blood (But still hot tbh)”
Puse for penis, imo. That’s the ony lway the world works, said Yamcha. If you let me kamehameha in there, I’ll never ask you for anything every again I promise
Do you really mean it yamchan
So they had sex and Bulma got pregnant with Trunks II, The Return, and Vegeta never even knew. Bulma had a lot of blue pubic hair and pubic hair is gross but yamcha didnt mind he burned it away with a saibaman self destruct attack which nearly kileld bulma but she probably didn’t mind even though it she lost all of her right side and hands and feet from the explosion yamcha liked her more that way she was hot with the bald puse like she was a new girl for yamcha he likes it when they have the innies which bulma had and that made him hit a home run if you know what i mean haha baseball humor and sex what a world we live in.
Oh shit dd hs the hiccups
We could easily make more people if we wanted to. Hey we should call this one thank the eastern supreme kai for girls
Yamcha howls like a wolf “bulma i wanna taste ur lemonade”
“Baby lets make lemons out of lemonade”
“No it’s a pee joke” say yamcha
“This is why I broke up with u”
sorry for spelling some
Endnotes[edit | edit source]
- This story's name is a reference to Thank God For Girls by Weezer. I came up with the name near the end of it and asked Destructivedisk (in the story) if we should name it that. When he later made the page, he used that name, so hopefully that means he liked the name too.
- I found the picture for this story really early in the writing it. It was either on the first or second day of writing that I found it. And I actually downloaded it and censored it myself. But after we "completed" this story, Destructivedisk posted and posted the picture himself (I had given him a link to the regular version of it before). His censoring job is actually remarkably similar to mine. I also just censored the nipples, not the rest of the breasts.
- My first line is a reference to this.
- The Dean Galloway bit was something that came about by clicking "random page" on Dragon Ball Wiki. Dean Galloway was the first "character" who popped up. We did this because we didn't really know who to write about at the time, so using the "random page" generator was an easy way to do that. However Dean Galloway is lame so we soon just started writing about Roshi and Bulma and Launch because humans are DD's favorite characters and who doesn't like lesbians? (Apparently Ohio.)
- "Launch always thought Bulma looked hot, and Muten Turtle couldn’t disagree. They were both hot and he needed them together now pronto andale orele muchacho. One day old Roshi was talking to his little turtle, who liked to go away when it was cold and get real small and Roshi hated that about him." - this is one of my proudest sequences of the three drinking stories so far. The second half of the paragraph is obviously a reference to shrinkage, too.
- Launch is a total butch... at least in her blonde form. That is an opinion I will never change. It's a big part of why I used her with Bulma, as opposed to Chi-Chi or someone else. You always need a butch in a lesbian relationship. In her blue-haired form, she's probably very submissive.
- I find it funny that every chance DD gets, he just starts rambling about his own life.
- "Roshi was like yo turtle you like that blue hair and turtle was like eyy brah the carpet matches the drapes and Roshi was all i have the pics to prove it and turtle was all you go girl." - I don't remember writing this, but it made me laugh. I should do more of this type of comedy in future stories of these. Also, as a side note, I don't know why I have characters get all gangsta or act like fat black women when I'm drunk.
- "“No thats hank the tank hes a tier 1 kitty owned by mr. q my best friend in the world, hank almost died but now he’s alive and i love him i pet him and he silts on my lap as i write this plus i cut a hole in my popcorn for hank just for hank ok”" - All of the first part of this is true. I was at my friend's house (Mr. Q) when I wrote this part and his cat Hank is one of my favs. He was sitting on my lap while I wrote much of the first section. The popcorn thing is a reference to Zarbon and Dodoria: A Love Story and may or may not be based in fact.
- Tights has a nice name, but she's not actually that hot. I always imagine her being a hot girl when I think about her because of her name, but whenever I look up pictures of her, I'm always too disappointed to finish. That said, Launch isn't particularly hot in her blonde form either, so this was a lot hotter conceptually than it actually turned out. Still, I was pretending that they were hot so that this would be more fun to write.
- The stuff about the fleshlights is an inside joke with Mr. Q. He has a couple inserts, but I'm not actually sure which is his favorite; I just guessed.
- "“Good question” turtle jr." - it's usually little things like this that make me laugh the most. This line is really funny to me.
- "“bulma likes my dragon balls i just gotta say i got em all Roshi spit and his precum was all over his helmet." - the influence of lil Jimmy Norton on me can be seen here. This is another line that made me laugh out loud on the re-read, too.
- “oh yeah alright are you gonna be in puse tonight” - this line is a reference to Carry That Weight/The End by The Beatles (only a Phil Collins cover of this part of the song exists on youtube unfortunately). Also note that the lead up to that line is what provided the names for the stories in Destructivedisk's great one-shot collection, That Magic Feeling.
- DD made a good deal less spelling errors than me in his sections, but I'm not sure his ramblings were any more coherent than what I produced for this story. Still, the disparity in spelling quality is apparent. It has been different in previous drinking stories, where DD was by far the worst speller when drunk.
- "“No way man. I’m the batman! Wolf fang fist, ayoo!”" - I hate this line; I wish it had never been born.
- "With that Roshi’s phone exploded into a cornucopia of confetti. He was left perplexed, flummoxed, and a little aroused. He began to play with lil roshi to get his mind off of the horrible events that just happened." - I specifically wrote this paragraph to mimic DD's writing style, although the "lil" part is another reference to Jim Norton.
- "Turtle fled as did oolong he jumped into the sea." - this line gets me too. I'm finding that the more subtle stuff, and the stuff more related to technical breakdowns in grammar and whatnot, are what really make me laugh.
- "내신발은광이나지, 내여자는쌈빡하지!" - this is a line from Napal Baji by Psy. I referenced this song because at the time, I was writing an A Just Edge chapter partially based on that song.
- "Oolong ran over and poured a vat of oil on Roshi, making him sparkly as a sparkler in a urethra." - this is a double reference. It references both the beginning of this as well as Dragonball lies in the old hat (with the sparkler in the urethra thing).
- "He punched dean one time that fkr and dean went blasting off again into the moon which roshi blew up good heavens rip in piece he was dead and gone and no one cared even one bit even though he has a page on DB wiki no one gives a fuck about that guy i mean you cant name one fan who even knows him hes better off dead well done Roshi" - well, about this one, there's of course a Team Rocket reference, as well as me basically talking about Dean Galloway and how he was added into this story (which I explained with more detail and coherency above).
- "Roshi pointed to the sand whic his the best place to have sex in my experience its not like the sand gets all over you or inside you or makes it hard to pound that puse if you know what i mean" - I know what I mean.
- "The Tournamnet Announcer who was once Yamcha’s best friend but now almsot never talks to him unless they are writing a drunk story together commented on the whole precedings with lots of “oohs and ahhs” and “This is one of the books, folks, look at that girl squirt!” “Look at the size of her puse, you could fit a raccoon in there!” “That’s the signature move (when she shoots milk from her nipples, which incidentally enough is one of HZ’s many fetishes), I’m amazed seeing it!”" - if I'm not mistaken, around the time I wrote this section, I was anthologizing the final chapter of TF, which featured a lot of Tournament Announcer dialogue, hence the reference here. I did combine some actual dialogue of his with what is seen above. On another note, it is indeed true that girls shooting milk from their nipples is one of HZ's many fetishes, and that is the primary reason Chaiva does so in Bedtime.
- I am quite proud of the William Rodham Clinton joke.
- "Tourney dude threw several pillows at them. “Pillow fight, and then as Jerrah Seinfeld says, that always descends into some kissing and licking and more fun for the whole family. It’s incredible!”" - this section is based on a real thing Jerry Seinfeld said in Seinfeld about lesbians. Also, calling him "Jerrah" was a minor shot at Jerry Jones, who is undoubtedly one of the worst owners and GMs in the NFL.
- "And so it appeared that Launch and Bulma and Tights all began to fight with pillows. It was a bloody affair, much like Nappa vs. Chiaotzu, and it ended with a similarly poignant explosion of female cum, which some think is piss, and which Mr. Q finds more erotic than a fully functioning sybian machine railing a girl of legal age." - so in terms of this one, I always like taking shots at Chiaotzu; he's a motherfucker. The other thing about female cum was based on something I had recently heard at the time (still unsure if it's true) that female cum is essentially the same as male precum, for it contains basically the same stuff with minor differences. Of course I didn't mention that aspect of it specifically, going for the funnier and more well-known idea that female cum is just piss (which is probably true for most of the pornos where such a thing is showcased, to be honest). And it is also true that this is one of Mr. Q's most famous fetishes. Another famous fetish of his is watching girls get railed by a sybian machine, but the squirting is way higher on his list (but of course nothing matches his bondage fetish - more on that later/never).
- "Yet when my girlfirned cums, it at is al teast 50$ cum. She is on a type of birth contro. medication which makes her constantly be on her period, which sucks Yet I have leardeto deal with it, becasue I love my getting my dick wet. Roshi s much the same way. He loves hetting his little willy wet, even if it gets wet with blood." - this is one of the funniest things DD has ever written on this site, in my opinion.
- One thing I especially like about this story is how there's really no story. The idea is tenuous at best, and both DD and I got significantly sidetracked. We wrote entire sections that just rambled about unrelated stuff, and that's really funny. It's not like the story idea was all that deep to begin with - Roshi just wanted to shoot a porno with Launch, Bulma, and Tights - but how that idea developed into what it did really shows the wonders of alcohol.
- "Bulma is so fucking hot. Roshi was into that shit. Laucnh is hot too, but she can’t compare to bulma. Bulma has some questionable hairstyles to be honest and I’m not sure what toriyama was thinking. those hairdoes she has in early db and before androids are fucking ugly as fuck. I mean the titties are nice but I’m not fucking her with the lights turned off." - I like Launch, but she is definitely much less attractive than Bulma. I don't really understand half of the hairstyles Toriyama used for her though, because many of them made Bulma look hideous. Entire sagas could be ruined by the hairstyle he chose. On the other hand, when he picked a good hairstyle (like Bulma's Saiyan Saga one), he nails it. And then I want to nail her. I imagined that she was using the Saiyan Saga hairstyle for this story because that's when she's at her hottest.
- "“In the distance, a bastard child scream!” cried Tights. Tights if hot if one has been drunk for at least an hour." - this line is a reference to this.
- The entire Upa bit was something I came up with and told DD about. I thought maybe we could use that idea for Drinking Story #4. However, when I got drunk for that day, I just began to write about it. This was an idea I had fully formed before I got drunk, and one I find pretty funny overall. Upa is another hated character of mine, so having Yajirobe cum all over his face is a great moment; it's one of my favorite characters symbolically dominating one of my least favorite characters.
- “Did someone order Tuna,” grunted Oolong as he watched lesbian action. “Here fishy fishy”. “Oh come on Oolong, that’s unfair joke it’s not true,” Puar screamed. “Hehe, Puar, shut the fuck up,” Yamcha said. He swung his baseball bat and smiled to the camera trying to get a girl to fall for him. “I’m uncut and my dick smells like a marlin”. - pretty obvious joke here, but this remains my favorite exchange in the entire story.
- "Tights also had pubic hair, which is a big no-no in the lesbian trade. You have to be able to lick the pussies, so this means you cannot have hair down there, it’s not okay. So to fix this problem, Roshi ripped off his shirt and moaned lustily. A second later, a shot of hot white energy sot from him and hit Tights right in the box. “Kamehameha!” Tourney announcer squealed in delight. “All the hair singed right off! A miracle in the kame island expressway!”" - I hate pubic hair, and I had a similar thing occur in Bedtime, with Ledas using a ki attack to burn away Chaiva's pubic hair. Also, the use of "box" again shows Jim Norton's influence on me at this time. Thirdly, the Tournament Announcer's line at the end is a modified version of a real line he said in Raging Blast 2. It is of course heavily modified for this story.
- "“Crickey make we got some lesbos in action,” dave dameshek grunte “Look at how they mate in the wild” he was hiding behind some bushes, funny cuz esbians were alls hiavec\d,. He looks lup ith bionculars. “Crickey there licking aech other. Its hot i wanna fap but im a professional. “Dameshek here, if you like my documentary on lesbians, please check out the Dave Dameshek Football Program, we discuss with Mark Istuc and Bucky Brooks all sorts of shit one kcars about, the draft combine, etc. Plus, lesbians like to lick each others puses”" - so this section began the third day of editing this story. The Dave Dameshek angle was one I wanted to work on even before getting drunk that day, and I said as much to DD. I'm not sure if he knows who Shek is, but that's okay. He's not actually Australian, but he often impersonates one with a terrible accent. Specifically the "“Dameshek here, if you like my documentary on lesbians, please check out the Dave Dameshek Football Program, we discuss with Mark Istuc and Bucky Brooks all sorts of shit one kcars about, the draft combine, etc." is me satirizing how Shek often repeats himself at the start of very podcast. He has a very set-in-stone formula for how he opens them. Also, I used to really like Shek. He was my go-to guy. But as time has gone on, his shenanigans, mostly with talking about irrelevant stuff and having some pretty insane and unsubstantiated opinions on the NFL at large, have made me drift away from his podcast, and I don't really listen to him much at all anymore.
- "“Lick that baby dick!” Yamcha screamed. A clitoris is an underdeveloped bbaby benis as we all know which got yamcher wrealy rutned on." - this is a truefact. Or, I guess one could say that a penis is an over-developed clitoris. They are the same thing. If a girl gets a lot of testosterone during development, they will have a huge clit and it looks just like a little dick. It always makes me laugh when I see guys sucking on clits in pornos, because I know they are fags at heart.
- "“All humasn are girls before they turne into boys sometimes” Cris Mercer said, “The government did 9/11. Dunald rumsefld is a fucker.. I like girls but i look like aol faggot. You cant control me no more cleopatrura, patu,ra ,paturra, haha I like sher.”" - this section has a lot going on in it. First off, the first sentence is just an elaboration of the previous Yamcha/clitoris section. Secondly, Chris Mercer, my professor, is quite an intelligent man, but he's batshit insane when it comes to some stuff (and he's as dogmatic as those he likes to criticize). His stuff about 9/11 is something he has actually said before. He also does look like an old gay man and I was surprised to learn that he is sexually attracted to female hominids. The Cleopatra part is a reference to Cleopatra by Weezer. Finally, Chris likes to ramble on about how much he likes Sher during class, which was funny for like the first two or three times he did it, but now that we've reached double-digits, it's gotten quite stale.
- "At this moment, Launch decided to suckle at bulma’s clitoris. This is so hot that roshi screamed and volcanoes exploded he cum like a bitch in heat." - the second sentence is based on a line from my alternate ending of Dragon Ball Z: The Forgotten. The first line is totes accurate and most hottest thing ever.
- "Bumla has an innie puse bug lauhcnbh has the outie puse (shes meaty af0. Lil jimmy norton thinks that meaty puses ar the way to go but i pefer the innie puse cuz it looks tight af. Bulma is of course tihht since vegeta only baned her twice and yamcha never got to touch that puse. Yamcha is a awful character and hesf feral. He wants to eat his cum after bulYahcmah holwed at the moon for support but heforogt shek republics iggest weabpon: the man named adam rank hes bald and fat and he has a cock the size of a juniper bery." - so again, there's a lot going on here. When I get really drunk I tend to reference a ton of things in quick succession, as seen above. Innie pussies are the best, in my opinion. I mentioned Jim Norton, because he's always going on about how the meaty ones are the best, but he's wrong. The thing about Vegeta only banging Bulma twice is something I've considered. I remember a long time ago, I was over at Mr. Q's house, and we were talking about how Bulma had to have sex with Vegeta to produce Trunks and how weird of an idea that was. It was legit the first time I can remember getting my mind blown. It just felt so weird that Vegeta would have sex at all. He just doesn't seem like that kind of dude. I could never imagine him having sex with Bulma, and Mr. Q didn't even want to think about it. I tried to, but I couldn't figure out how he would act in such a situation. Anyways, some people believe that Vegeta's only had sex twice with Bulma, to produce Trunks and Bulla. I'm not that radical. I'm sure he raped millions of hot alien girls when he was with Frieza. But he's quite the private person, so I think he's more likely to just fap like a madman instead of opening himself up to Bulma very often. So they've probably had sex somewhere between 10 and 30 times over the course of Dragon Ball Z, which is not that much, to be honest. The thing about Yamcha eating his own cum is based on a terrible fan fiction DD and I once read where Yamcha and Bulma had sex, Yamcha then came in Bulma's mouth, and then they kissed, sharing his cum. The Adam Rank mention is me venting some anger. I hate Adam Rank. He used to be on Shek's podcast, but he really added nothing and he's smug as fuck. He's also fat and bald and ugly, and the juniper berry comparison in particular is visually striking, but it was also a reference to Skyrim.
- I also howl like a wolf when I get fucked in the ass by a nice big cock.
- "“Don’t worry its gonna be alriht if ur on a sinking ship,” BUlma said hlefupfuly. “I’m only sexually attracted to female hominids,” she laughed. That made Yamcha burst 99 balloons. “Launch is my new husuband.”" - the first part of this is a reference to a line from California Kids by Weezer. The second sentence is a reference to how Chris Mercer talks. The third part, about 99 balloons, is a reference to 99 Luftballons by Nena. I had recently listened to that song on repeat while writing a chapter of my ASOIAF story.
- "“Many holes or mini wholes? Q.S. Sims asked." - this is an actual question Mr. Q asked me when I said I could make a ton of money selling my many holes on the street.
- "‘’I was a fighter, a governor, a navy seal,” said EE Cummings (unforunate name haha). But the raccoon won’t get this bird!” He rushed forward to Tihts and blew her up with a nice “Allahu Akbar”, evn though she wasnt a trap." - so this is another inside joke. The opening line is a repeated mocking quote Anthony Cumia often says about Jesse Ventura (confirmed conspiracy nut and former governor of Minnesota). The EE Cummings part is a reference to a poem I wrote for Mr. Q and his family about their cats. The raccoon is a part of that poem. It was based on a poem by EE Cummings. I have no idea what the last line was supposed to mean, or why someone would only Allahu Akbar a trap.
- "\bitch I lok like goku,” said Roshi. “O?ppin on that marinjun. I lovoe the smelll of my ownp enis it getns the girls all driled upl. Haha ,nigras tuonuge my anus./”" - this line begins day four of writing this story. The first and second sentences are references to the horrific song, Goku by Soulja Boy. The third sentence is a truefact. The fourth is a reference to this.
- "“Man the puse game ridculuoosly” sas roshi my face is al tingly." - that is a reference to this.
- "“I got me Bulma and Lauch.” Puses in the mix. Puse get them. Yo I got the puse, it feels so tight. When I cum in the pus I feel alirght." - I have no memory of writing this rap, nor what prompted its creation. But I'll try it out the next time I'm with a laaaady.
- We spoke about having a Mutaito hologram before beginning the writing on day 4, but DD was the first one to write about it. Obviously, he took Mutaito in a personal direction, which is one of his longest ramblings out of all of these drinking stories.
- "“Do it do it now!” Roshi screamd” im’ a fuckin choir boy compared to you, a cohir boy!”" - these are lines spoken by Ahnold, mostly used in prank calls.
- I'm not sure why I went in the vore direction with Tights. I absolutely hate vore.
- "“Hehe ohoho hehe ahaha waowaho bazngia” squealed roshi and e nursed at bulmas clitoris. “Haha, that rhyjmes with dolores!”" - some nice Big Bang Theory criticism here mixed with a Seinfeld reference. Of course, if I was going to make fun of one of the most overrated television shows ever, I decided I should reference the best sitcom ever.
- "The audience clapped a lot. Bitchface mctitittyvolacanoes swing in the wind like a couple of bolognia slices." - I specifically remember when I got to this part, I wanted to write a couple of lines like DD, and that is what came out.
- The grim reaper part is a reference to this. That video was the biggest laugh I've had in a long time.
- Everyone has anal nowadays, when like 20 years ago it was a taboo "fetish". How times change.
- "Roshi be all like “bich i liok like goku, bitch i look like vegeta, lbtich i look like gohan hoppin on that marijun.” He geabbed Bulma and Launch and hug them tight. “Haha my bitches apologize, get on ur knees and such my cock, and in tht order, and I’ll take you back! Haha I’m the king of the western seas!”" - more "Goku" references here. Additionally, the second half of this paragraph is a reference to this infamous rant by Mel Gibson.
- "“Girl cum is an evolutionary vestiage” said Crhis Mercer helpfully. “Girls aren’t supposed to cum. I don’t see any point to it, haha! Sher sucks my balls, which are big and hairy and I like to run marathons”" - again, all of this is true to Chris Mercer's personal life. The thing about girls cumming though is something that has always interested me, and of course it seems like it's likely an evolutionary vestige, as it appears that there's no reason for girls to cum (it's not necessary for reproduction and rarely happens in the wild with most species, even humans). They're lucky they get to cum at all, so they should stop bitching about me finishing first okay?
- I find it funny that by the end of this story, I was just talking about random crap, and it was DD who was really going on about the plot. After the last quote (in the above endnote), he just went on as if I had never said anything. It's beautiful.
- "o dragon I wish for my clit to grow three timsin size. “ And like the grinch Bulma got a big girl penis." - obvious Grinch reference here. Of course, there's a lot going on with Bulma's clit becoming a bigger penis than anyone else's. Lots of subtext and deep hidden meanings for her triumph over patriarchy, etc. Or maybe there's no value behind these words at all.
- "“I hate petyon manning”offer ed dave dameshek with his useful commentary which is really not useful and is just a waste of air but I digress.”" - I don't like Peyton Manning much either; he's a choker and a faker. But Dameshek really is a hater to the point of it being embarrassing.
- "“Wow, and how, what a question of surprise!”" - this is an old joke between me and Mr. Q, my great friend. It comes from a german toy store that had some very unfortunate translations into English on its pages. Statements of "And how?" were both common and inexplicable across the pages, causing us to laugh lots and lots, and that has stuck with me through the years.
- Autocunnilingus is the holy grail of porn, and I have searched for it for many years. Alas, no real videos of it exist, to my knowledge, though there are many fakes out there. Of note is that, I think this is fully possible, for if I was a girl, i would be able to do this. I can reach the base of my cock with my tongue so if I can do it, a girl should be able to.
- The digit ratio thing was based on me doing research on that around the time the fourth part of this story was written. Since the digit ratio is a crucial tool in describing personalities of humans, it worked here. You can use the digit ratio to tell if a girl is a lesbian, too, which is pretty fucking cool (doesn't work like that for men, sadly) for this story especially.
- The "weebs are trash" and "hitler did nothing wrong" are lines based on common memes seen on EpicMafia. I was playing on EM as we wrote this final section, and that will become notable in my next written part.
- The lollerpop reference is a reference to my favorite Dr. Steve Brule moment.
- "In his free time, Turtle liked to be an ayylien. While this mostly meant that he went out to parties, smoking copious amounts of dope (Smoke dope 2k16) and drinking and smoking all sorts of shit while girls patted him on the back, it also meant it was his duty to place anal probes in those he loved. This included Tidus, of course, aswel l as JimClassico, Musume, and GumiGumi. I like it when you call me big papa. Ill fist u and give u the reach around you feel me" - really pure EpicMafia humor here; Tidus and GumiGumi are some of my best friends on there. The big papa thing is something DD used to say though. The ayylien reference is twofold: it references both me having the alien role in the game I was playing at the time I was writing this part, as well as a reference to this famous meme.
- The Turtle/Turtle Jr. incest subplot is one of my favorite parts of this story.
- Alien is one of the hardest roles to win a game with in EpicMafia. It's a third party role, and especially in a twelve man setup, it's almost unheard of that anyone wins as alien. You basically have to get lucky and guess who will survive the game (and only who survives - if anyone survives that you didn't guess, you lose - and you only get one guess per a night, so most games last 3-4 nights, meaning you have 3-4 guesses - this also means that everyone else but those 3-4 guesses has to die before the end of the game, which is something you cannot control, but you can predict - and of course some of those guesses can die too if only those who remain are also your guesses - as can be seen, this is very hard to predict or guess). A good alien player may get like 2 alien wins in such a setup per year. It's pretty crazy, hence the screenshot.
- "isH dick likes holes like Gene Simmons like cocaine being snorted off his erect penile instrument." - I remember getting really excited when I came up with "erect penile instrument". That's a keeper phrase for sure.
- ""Does anybody love anybody as much as I love you, baby?"" - this is a reference to L.A. Girlz by Weezer.
- Dave Dameshek running for the hills is a reference to Tane doing so quite often in No Way Out.
- The fat girl is UniversalGuardian1003, who was pissing me off for some reason at the time I wrote this. I don't remember what she did that got me so mad to write a big rant about her, though.
- The oversized turtle fingers thing is not actually a reference to Shek, though I attributed it to him in this story. It's instead a reference to Rich Vos.
- "rip in piece m8" - this is perhaps my most famous phrase on EpicMafia.
- So for my last section, I wrote it with the intent of wrapping things up, as DD mentioned he wanted to do so in his last part just above mine. However, I didn't manage to get far and pretty much forgot about Roshi and Bulma and Launch and Tights for most of it, instead focusing on Yamcha and the other minor characters. No idea why this happened.
- I believe I wrote the very end of this story after DD fell asleep on day 4. I was going to wake him up, but then I got pretty tired too, and I thought he wouldn't like it if I woke him up so I just decided to finish my section and go to sleep too.
- Yamcha begging for Bulma's pussy is based on my own life, with both of my last girlfriends. They were fucking awful in how they kept holding the pussy back, holding it back for many a day as we dated, and I hated that about them. The only reason I dated them was to put my dick inside them. It's the only reason humans exist in the first place; we are meant to fuck, and everything else is filler.
- "Oh shit dd hs the hiccups" - well this gives a hint about where I was at the time. So this means that when I wrote that, DD was still awake, but he wasn't writing for some reason. I think shortly after this part, he fell asleep though.
- "We could easily make more people if we wanted to." - this was a line I said to a bunch of people to see what they would respond. It's a true fact. You take any random girl off the street and I can make a new human with her asap. However the "if we wanted to" part is the killer. What power we wield, and what restraint we show.
- If you notice, I asked DD if we should name this story what it is ultimately named right at the end. I came up with this on a whim. The story was breaking down pretty bad by that point and it seemed like it was getting close to the end.
- The Yamcha lemonade thing came from this set of lines from "L.A. Girlz": "L.A. girls, please act your age/Sweeten up your lemonade/And meet me down at tower twenty-eight". I wanted to make a pee joke really bad and this was a good opportunity to show why Bulma fucking hates that wolf baseball dude.
- I thought my last lines might've been the end of the story, but I wasn't sure, which is why it was ended semi-ambiguously. But the ending is also a fine enough ending, which is what it ended up being. It's a nice punchline resolution for Yamcha and Bulma, though it's a shame that Launch, Tights, and Roshi didn't get any resolution.
- The last line was added in by DD the next day, after he woke up, and does not exist in the google docs we wrote the rest of the story on. I assume he just added it in as he was pasting the story onto the wiki. It is of course a reference to Dragonball KC.
I think this story has more big joke moments than either Dango or Zarbon and Dodoria. Its biggest weakness is that the story isn't very strong. It's funny how sidetracked we got, but the others are memorable because of the sequence of events that happened. Like, I will never forget the theater story in Zarbon and Dodoria, no matter how ridiculous it is, nor the Dango adventures. There's a bit missing in this one because there's no really memorable events. Even so, this story has some of the funniest dialogue of the three drinking stories, and I think the relentless way the jokes just keep coming in line after line is a really cool and shows a progression from Dango to here. I think, overall, this is my favorite of the three drinking stories, for that reason, but as with the others, I will not be rating this one.
<---- Part 56
Part 58 ---->