This page, The KidVegeta Anthology/Sink to the Bottom, is property of KidVegeta.

This article, The KidVegeta Anthology/Sink to the Bottom, is property of Destructivedisk.


Sink to the Bottom was a story written by Destructivedisk and myself. We came up with the story idea on February 21, 2014. Destructivedisk wanted to write a serious collaboration with me, as our previous collaborations (Dragonball lies in the old hat and The Anonymous Series) were just drunken joke stories. With Sink to the Bottom, we were not going to follow up on either of those stories. For me, at least, there was no alcohol consumed during the writing process. I don't know about Destructivedisk, but I would assume he didn't drink either.

I came up with the idea of this story after Destructivedisk stated his desire to write a collaboration with me. I slightly based it off of One, because I wanted to write something that Destructivedisk would be interested in. I didn't want this to turn into a story solely written by me, so I chose a character he loved (Yamcha) as being the protagonist. Admittedly, the idea of Yamcha's angst and love for Bulma didn't interest me too much. But since it kept Destructivedisk happy, I wrote it with him all the same. Destructivedisk created the page for Sink to the Bottom as well as the chapter names and sweet picture at the top of its page. The chapter names are based off of the stages of grief (Kubler-Ross model yo).

In terms of writing this story, we decided to each write for 500-700 words before switching off. This was usually adhered to, although sometimes we wrote more than 700 words in our sections when the plot demanded it. This is particularly true during the last chapter. Before the last chapter, each of my sections took me about 30 minutes to write. I did not usually read back over my sections before sending them to Destructivedisk over Skype. The last chapter took a bit longer, as my sections contained more words and were more emotionally important. I think the final part I wrote took me around an hour. Destructivedisk started the thing with each chapter opening with a few lines in a song about friendship. I continued the trend with the chapters I started (2 and 4). He did the other three.

I never felt very stressed when writing Sink to the Bottom. I tried to write both humor and drama in the same story, as I think my strongest stories feature multiple genres. One of my favorite and most enjoyable stories to write is my Pokemon one (on another site), where I write comedy and angst hand-in-hand. I tried to do the same thing with Sink to the Bottom so I could have fun writing it. It was mostly fun to write. A few times, Destructivedisk wasn't able to write due to school or other things, and I think there were times that I couldn't write, either. But mostly, when we wanted to write, we did. I remember getting slightly annoyed at Destructivedisk when he wouldn't write the story with me, but I was never too annoyed. The last chapter was a very long session between Destructivedisk and myself where we wrote the entire thing late into the night so we could get it done. Once that was done, we posted the chapter and I remember feeling very happy with Sink to the Bottom at that time. I found it funny, tragic, and interesting. Since the chapter was posted, Destructivedisk has been badgering me about posting this commentary, but I wanted some distance from the story before I did so. Now with about three months since Sink to the Bottom was finished, I think I'm ready to finally delve into it.

Below, my sections will be bolded so as to differentiate them from Destructivedisk's. I will primarily be providing commentary for the parts of this story that I wrote.


Story[edit | edit source]

Chapter 1: Denial[edit | edit source]

"A friends a friend who knows what being a friend is

talking with a friend.

As friends we were always so close

but so far away

Friends in life are special

do you want me as your special friend?

Cause you're the friend that I've been searching for"

-Friends by Ween - An Ode from Destructivedisk to KidVegeta

It was over. It was all over.

Yamcha knew not where he was going. His old life was dead and gone - he remained, his heart was still beating, but everything else was dead and gone. He found himself in the desert. He did not know how long he had been there for, but he was sure it couldn’t have been for longer than half a day. He felt like he was on autopilot, his remote body operating apart from his mind. His body seemed to be looking for something: perhaps solace, perhaps revenge.

Bulma was gone. All the teenaged love, all the young, delirious fantasies, it was all gone. He hadn’t liked Vegeta from the second that he had set foot on Planet Earth. To Yamcha, the whole situation was surreal, Kafkaesque even, that the man who had once murdered his friends and attempted to destroy the Earth was now sleeping in the bed of his lover.

The prince had usurped Yamcha’s throne, stealing the crown from atop his head and burning down the bed of trees that Yamcha slept on. Before Yamcha had even smelt the smoke, the forest was no more than ashes and he was left lying on the ground. The old world was gone.

A small gust of wind, followed by a brief puff of sand, caught Yamcha’s attention. He looked to his right and noted that the sun had begun rising. Yamcha stopped, realizing that he had no idea where he was going. There he was, lost in the middle of the desert. In some ways he felt like he had, at last, come home - in other ways, he felt as though he were a young boy leaving home for the first time.

Yamcha knew that he should have seen it coming. Bulma had been acting disinterested for the better part of a year, showing him progressively less and less attention. Her absences had been unsettling - many a night were spent wondering where Bulma had gone, and when she would be coming back.

Yamcha might have been able to take it if she had left him for anyone else, but he could not handle Vegeta. Vegeta made Yamcha feel weak, like he didn’t matter. Vegeta was the antagonist who had become the hero, and Yamcha had essentially been set aside, shifted from a starring role to an ancillary one. Had Bulma forgotten about how Yamcha had bested the invisible man, how he had protected her throughout their many travels? Did she think that Vegeta would be around to protect her when trouble struck again?

Yamcha knew he could win her back if he just showed her the folly of her ways. All he had to do was reach out and she could become his again. She only wanted to try out Vegeta; she didn’t truly want to leave Yamcha. All Yamcha had to do was prove to her again that he was worthy, that he could fulfill her more than Vegeta ever could. It wouldn’t be so hard.

He walked back to his car, reaching for the half-empty bottle of Red Stag he knew lay on his seat. Finding it, he pressed the cold bottle to his lips and drank. Yamcha sighed and then awkwardly fell into his seat. Feeling the old scar which wore along his cheek, he sat there as the sun started to rise higher in the sky. How could Bulma fall for Vegeta? It sickened him every time he thought about it. He needed to show her that he could be strong too – that he had some small worth left in the world. His idea had to work. She only liked Vegeta because he was so strong. Well, Yamcha could be strong too. That he knew.

He took another drink and slammed the pedal to the floor.

The desert turned into a nebulous streak of colors as he sped on. He didn’t care how fast he was going, how reckless he was driving. Yamcha was racing to get Bulma back. His first order of business was to show her how strong he was, how much his training had done for him. He knew it was when Vegeta had first come to Earth when he lost her. It was the moment the Saibaman had jumped on him, the moment it had killed him – before he could do anything – that Bulma had turned away. And how could he blame her? He had been absolutely pathetic in that moment. But he was better than that now. Yamcha took another gulp from his bottle just as he saw the city come into view. He blinked his moist eyes furiously to maintain his position on the road as he got nearer. He didn’t want any police on him. But as soon as he thought that thought, he forgot.

The former bandit dodged cars like he dodged punches, weaving in and out of spots of traffic, sometimes driving on the wrong side of the road, sometimes flying over the roofs of parked vehicles. As he went careening through a red light, making a sharp left turn around a group of awe-struck teenage girls (whom he did take a peek at, if but for a moment), Yamcha saw it. Slamming his foot onto the brakes, he stopped the car in the middle of the road and jumped out, racing towards the building ahead of him.

It wasn’t truly a building so much as a construction site. The entire thing was surrounded by yellow and orange barrier signs, heavy equipment, and a multitude of construction workers. They were milling about, smoking cigarettes and laughing at jokes when Yamcha came screaming in like a wind from the north. But he was not here for them. A small banner draped over the edge of the nearest fence, which read “World Tournament COMING SOON” was what had drawn him. He had seen it before, whilst traveling through the city the past few weeks. But now, it held great interest to him, for Yamcha would need the World Tournament to get Bulma back.

“H-hey guyysss…” Yamcha slurred as best he could, “w-whhersda tourney’ffical?”

He received no replies. Indeed, some of the workers had already turned their shoulders to Yamcha so that they could return to their precious jokes and nicotine. Yamcha’s blood boiled. He hated construction workers. All they did was play god all day by closing down traffic lanes and making his life more inconvenient. Well, not this time!

“H-hey motherfuckas… lookatdis!” Yamcha spit, wobbling a bit. In his hand was a blue energy ball.

The crowd of construction workers turned and looked at him. They glanced him up and down, noticing nothing terribly peculiar or unusual about him. Then, with a great collective gasp, they noticed the wobbling energy ball in his hand. In unison, the workers stumbled backwards like a wave of people, several of them fleeing the scene and few others remaining put out of shock.

Yamcha chuckled, and tossed the energy ball into the air. He caught it once more and then he rolled it around on his palm, soon transitioning it to his finger and spinning it about. The crowd of people was perplexed – nobody moved, but many came to believe him to be a street performer. Not but a second later, Yamcha lost control of the ball and it flew several feet. It hit the ground and made a small crater, blowing puffs of smoke in every direction.

The crowd soon lost interest in Yamcha, who continued to make new energy balls and play with them for several consecutive minutes. In his drunken stupor, Yamcha lost track of his objective, and instead stumbled around for a couple minutes and played with his energy balls. Before long, Yamcha too lost interest in this game, and he performed a full rotation about himself.

Several hundred yards away, Yamcha spotted a great large advertisement, supported by a monolithic column. The letters on the sign were illuminated in neon, pink and green, and could likely be spotted for miles. Next to the letters there was a light-up martini glass, so enticing and so glorious. The words read “On the Rocks”, words to which Yamcha was no stranger. He was no novice to the drinking game – he knew a bar when he saw one.

In a flash, Yamcha took off toward the bar, evidently disappearing. He entered the bar with great glee, for he thought that his buzz was soon to wear off (in reality, he would have blown a .27). Yamcha took a seat at the barstool, gesturing for the bartender.

Faintly, then, from the furthest reaches of the bar, Yamcha heard a voice echo out. It was a strong voice, one meant for news stations and for telebroadcasting, a voice filled with bravado and greatness. The voice was faintly familiar to Yamcha, one that he knew he had heard before but one that he couldn’t quite place.

The voice rang out: “I… I need annathadrink”.

Yamcha turned his head and craned over. He recognized the source of the voice, below the grime and the vomit, and knew it to be the Tournament Announcer Guy. Yamcha, in a brief moment of clarity, knew that this was a figure central to his primary objective. He gestured away the bartender who had finally come to Yamcha’s side, and walked over to take a seat next to the Announcer.

“Hee-eeey! Rememmer me?” Yamcha shouted to him. The Announcer looked Yamcha over, and soon his eyes filled with glee. In drunken joy, the Announcer reached out and hugged Yamcha.

“O’course I member you! Yoou’re th’arterfinalist!” Yamcha, shocked that anybody would remember his few accomplishments, hugged back with great vigor and strength.

“Wha brings y’here?” Yamcha asked after the two had parted each other’s arms. Yamcha had never quite viewed the Announcer as someone who had a life independent of the World Martial Arts Tournament, let alone someone who would patronize a bar in his spare time.

“Fuckin Secretarrry, blamin me fer all her problems…” the Announcer responded.

“Whaddaya mean?”

“Well, ferst, I go’n’hire the broad, ‘n’ she works fer me fer a couple o’ years… then, next thang ya know, I’m bein litigated against for sessual ‘arassment, ‘n’ the tourn’ment’s threatenin to take away my ann’ncing priv’ledges, and I ain’t quite sure where I’m at.”

Yamcha was taken aback. All this new knowledge was astounding to him – first it turns out that his favorite announcer might have alcohol problems, and then it becomes known to him that he was falsely framed for sexual harassment!

Yamcha could strike a parallel between the Announcer and himself. They had both been wronged by a woman, and now they had nothing left to live for. Of course, Yamcha didn’t see that quite yet – all he knew was that bitches were crazy, and that it was time to right the wrongs they had committed.

“Well, hoo needs any tourn’ments anneeways?”

Endnotes:

  1. I used "he" at the start of my section instead of "Yamcha" to make the narrative continue smoothly from the previous paragraph and to not make it look two different people were writing this. Having smooth transitions that make it hard to tell where the breaks are was a goal of mine throughout the story.
  2. Red Stag was a brand of liquor I created after looking up brand names online.
  3. Yamcha thinks that Bulma only likes Vegeta because Vegeta is strong. He doesn't even consider other possibilities (such as Bulma actually being in love). This is partly because Yamcha is in despair and is drunk and he doesn't want to see what is going on before his eyes. I specifically had him think this because of the chapter name, - Denial. Yamcha is in denial about Bulma's relationship with Vegeta and he is mentally and physically sinking to the bottom because of it.
  4. Yamcha driving drunk is showing him in a negative light. While Yamcha is the protagonist of this story, I didn't want him to be a good guy from the onset. He's in pain from Bulma rejecting him, so he's doing reckless, dangerous things. Perhaps he will redeem himself at the end of the story, but there can't be a redemption without the bad stuff coming at the start of the story.
  5. Yamcha reminiscing on how pathetic he was to be killed by a Saibaman is very much what I thought of Yamcha when he first died.
  6. The World Tournament is under construction because during Goku and Piccolo's tournament final fight, they destroyed the area. It wasn't rebuilt for many years. It's never outright stated when it was reconstructed, so the timeline of this story is also rather hazy.
  7. Yamcha hating on construction workers was really funny to me because it came out of nowhere. I don't particularly hate them, myself, so the commentary isn't a reflection of my own beliefs.
  8. "Well, not this time!" is a reference to Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. He says "not this time" in this scene in The Return of the King.
  9. We decided before writing this story that Yamcha would try to win back Bulma by staging his own tournament. We decided this for several reasons - for one, it was funny; it allowed us to feature the Tournament Announcer dude (whom Destructivedisk and I both really like); it allowed for Yamcha to be shown as being quite pathetic.
  10. Yamcha swearing in my section was something I wanted to introduce as early as I could (for future chapters). In his drunken, depressed state, he's rather volatile and caustic, and hate and loneliness is driving him. So it makes sense that he'd swear more so than if he was his normal self.
  11. When I wrote Yamcha's final line, I did not know where I was going at that point, so I ended my section. I remember after Destructivedisk sent me back the third section of the chapter, I was surprised by the direction he took the story in.
  12. The part where the Tournament Announcer and Yamcha meet for the first time in this story reminds me of Speedball. I don't know if Destructivedisk was subtly referencing that story, however.
  13. Overall, this was the chapter I had the least involvement in. Destructivedisk wrote two sections, whereas I wrote only one, and his sections were more tied to the actual plot of the chapter than mine was.

Chapter 2: Anger[edit | edit source]

"You are my best friend in the world.

And I hope that you know,

when we hangout together,

it's freakin' awesome."

-BFFF by Bowling For Soup - An Ode from KidVegeta to Destructivedisk

“Fuck ‘em”

The alcohol had amplified and encased Yamcha in a single emotion – revenge. He wanted and he craved so desperately to get back at Vegeta. But that was no small task. Vegeta could merely look at him and kill him. No, Yamcha wasn’t going to challenge the prince. He was going to do the next best thing. With an air of importance far beyond his years and temperament, Yamcha stood up and slammed his glass on the table, sending drops of sweet, sweet whiskey flying in every direction. Fuck it.

“Lessgetter back, bro!” he managed to wheeze out of his momentarily alcohol-deprived throat.

“Whaddya mean, Yumcher?” the Announcer asked before coughing furiously into his sleeve.

“Ain’t gonna ssstand fora bisch like that! Come on, bud! Wee g-got this!”

The Tournament Announcer, kami rest his soul, looked utterly perplexed, like he had just been slapped in the face with a finely preserved coelacanth and lived to taste the cider. But nevertheless, he got up and followed Yamcha, as the once-proud martial artist stumbled out of the bar. The light pierced their eyes like Bulma pierced through Yamcha’s soul, and he hated it more than anything for that moment. Then, his eyes adjusted and he forgot all about it.

“Where’s her car, man?”

The Tournament Announcer shrugged. “I dunno, iss ‘round here somewhere… look in the parking lot. I think iss a baby blue sedan or something.”

“Only a lying bitch would drive that piece of shit!” Yamcha declared to the pigeons watching him from the top of the buildings.

The Announcer agreed. So the two of them crossed the street and ran through the traffic with a carefree, wild disconnect with the world that could only be compared to that of an expert Frogger player’s skill. They dodged hovercars and hoverbikes like they were nothing. And upon reaching the other side, they both threw up in unison. It was a beautiful moment of bonding.

The two spent the better part of the day looking through the parking lot for a baby blue sedan. It must have been their drunken stupor that kept them from seeing it parked in a VIP space right in front of the building. As the alcohol wore off, their tunnel vision started to dissipate like fog in the mid-afternoon. And they beheld that baby blue sedan. Yamcha felt anger well up in his throat just looking at it. He’d never met the woman. He didn’t even know if the Tournament Announcer was telling the truth about her, but she was his mortal enemy. This secretary would get what she had coming to her.

The Tournament Announcer took out his keys and, with a grin on his face, keyed the sedan. Yamcha took out his knife, which he always kept in his trusty left sock, and slit all of the tires. The emotional release at being able to do something, being able to enact revenge on a bitch was a moment of bliss in the bandit’s cold, depressed life. After they were done, Yamcha stood up and looked at what else he could do. After elbowing the windows out, he didn’t see much else. But this put him into a panic, a sort of hysteria. He needed to feel good. He couldn’t go back to that depression he felt creeping up in his heart. So Yamcha created an energy ball of so fine a strain that even Goku would have been proud. He held that ball between his hands, feeling its warmth, its bright light reflecting off of his sallow skin.

“Heyyyy, watch this!”

And he threw that ball, he did. It hit the sedan and exploded, creating a whirlwind of fire and metal and asphalt. The Tournament Announcer fell back, shrieking like one of Myrrah’s shriekers. But even he had a gleam in his eye, a little spark of rebellion. Yamcha saw this and felt like he could open up even more to his newfound friend.

“Ssso wwhereser ‘ouse? Less burn it down, ok?” he mumbled, wobbling in place a bit.

“Ya know wwhere 5th street is? Iss just ‘bout a mile down thataways…” the Tournament Announcer responded.

“It’ll take no time at’ll ta get therrre,” Yamcha replied, grabbing hold of the Announcer. “Check dis out, mann,” he exclaimed, taking flight.

The two went flying through the air, the Tournament Announcer the Lois Lane to Yamcha’s Superman. Yamcha flew unusually low to the ground, having to dodge a variety of trees and buildings on the way. He performed a great number of back-flips and barrel rolls, much to the delight of the Announcer. The dynamic duo laughed and chuckled while in flight, before they soon came to the woman’s house.

“Dis iss itt!” the Announcer announced when they came to the secretary’s house. It was a home fit for a bitch – the curtains were a hot pink and the window panes were a marvelous blue color. In short, the designer was evidently from Whoville, for no normal human could have designed a house so absolutely tacky.

“Braacee yerself!” commanded Yamcha, who, faster than a speeding bullet, sent the two of them spiraling through the bitch’s window. Shards of glass exploded in every direction, and the duo came barreling into her bed, shattering the bed frame on impact.

“So, how’re wee gonna burn this bitch down? I dun havany gasoline,” asked the Tournament Announcer. He stood up with a small pool of blood forming in his mouth.

“Lemme take care o’ that, sir,” Yamcha replied. “But firsttt,” he began, before trailing off and making his way downstairs, the Announcer right behind him. He came across the kitchen and began scouring the cabinets. He acquired several bottles of hard liquor along with a box of matches. “Holdd these,” he requested of the Announcer, handing him several bottles of the liquid. “Less go outside.”

The two of them went outside, bottles of liquor and the box of matches in tow. Yamcha lit a match and proceeded to throw it at the house. It burnt for a moment, before fizzling out against the hard bricks. “Whyyy ain’t it workin?” he asked, perplexed. The Announcer, too, shrugged in confusion. Yamcha lit another match and threw it against a different brick in the wall, hoping that this one would be flammable. To his dismay, he had no luck.

“Well, maybeee thesse matches are just duds,” Yamcha concluded, throwing the box away. Yamcha rose into the air, straight up, and began to form a great energy ball. He tossed it at the house, watching it collide with the wall and make a small dent. It wasn’t enough. Yamcha momentarily considered making one of those big balls with all the energy of the galaxy that Goku always made, but figured that there weren’t enough people to contribute to it. As a compromise, he instead molded his hands into the proper formation for a Kamehameha, and went with that instead. He spent moments upon moments accumulating the energy for it, and, with a fantastic grunt, released it onto the house. The building came crumbling down, till naught but a few bricks remained.

“Woohoo! Aaawwright!” the Tournament Announcer shouted, clearly pleased. “Now, whaddawe do with all this liquor?”

“Haha, siddown mayne, siddown! Less watchit go!” Yamcha said before falling backwards onto the ground.

He sat up a moment later and uncorked one of the bottles. Whilst drinking fiercely from the bottle, he threw another one to the Announcer. The man in black caught the bottle with the hands of a god and then started drinking as well. He sat down, marveling at what Yamcha had done so easily. I mean, it’s not every day a regular human sees a house explode.

The two pyrofanatics sat there, drinking and watching the ruined house burn. For some time, they sat in silence, ignoring the panicked screams and shouts from neighbors, people in the background petting cats, and pedestrians alike. Yamcha loved it. They had got that bitch good. He half-wanted to stay there until she got home just to see the look on her face, but their booze ran out far before that could happen. When their bottles ran dry, the two stood up and walked off down the sidewalk. With every step Yamcha took, his mind became clearer, more focused. And soon he remembered why he had come to the World Tournament in the first place. He wanted to win back Bulma.

“‘ey man, we gotta make a tourney y’know?” Yamcha said, he voice rising so high that even Thom Yorke would be proud.

The Announcer was fiddling with his sunglasses and then threw up. He didn’t even hear Yamcha. He didn’t give a fuck.

“Yo, tourney!” Yamcha bellowed, shaking the very trees that dotted the sidewalk around them.

“I can announce onnados!” The sunglass-faced man shouted with glee, his face shining scarlet from his intoxication. “Buuuuut we haven’t had one since Goko and Pickaloo! They ddestroy’d the place, you ‘member?”

Yamcha stopped. When he spoke again, he hunched over and swung his arms like he was talking at a bonfire. “Nah, man, nah! Fuck all that noise! We’ll juss make ou’own!”

“Iono, man, that’ll be alotta work!”

“Hey, shut up!” Yamcha screamed before throwing up. “I gotta get Bulma back. Thissis the only way! You gotta help me, man! I helped you get your bitch back now you gotta help me get mine.”

The Tournament Announcer looked down, sighed, and threw up a little in his mouth. Yamcha watched him stumble about as he was trying to formulate thoughts in his self-induced narcosis. Finally, as fire trucks came roaring by, their sirens blaring and hurting the two men’s ears (which Yamcha briefly thought about destroying before forgetting that fire trucks even exist), he was roused.

“Alright, Yumucha, I’ll helpyu. Lemme call my peeps and set dis up, kay? You better find some competititititors cause you know everybody, kay??”

Yamcha nodded and threw up. He’d get some competitors. But he wouldn’t invite Goku, or Krillin, or Tien, or any of the others. He needed to win the tournament, so his opponents had to be weak. He wanted some of those buff guys who went to every tournament but were really weak as shit. They would do nicely. Seeing Yamcha triumph over perfectly toned muscles would make Bulma so wet and impressed, that she would fall for him at once.

Yamcha threw up and then walked off, leaving the Announcer to his phone and empty bottles.

Endnotes:

  1. I chose the opening poem for this chapter because I wrote the first section. I chose a Bowling for Soup song at the time as a counter to Destructivedisk choosing a Ween song in the previous chapter.
  2. At this point in the writing, Destructivedisk and I were writing three sections per chapter, which meant that I wrote 1 section in all odd-numbered chapters and two in each even-numbered chapters. It meant that I had far more work to do in the even-numbered chapters.
  3. Chapter 2 is named Anger, so I wanted to show a lot of rage with Yamcha at the beginning. He is so mad at the girl fucking the Tournament Announcer over that he spills some whiskey in his rage. This is horrible and shows just how enraged Yamcha is.
  4. The Tournament Announcer calls Yamcha "Yumcha" because he trouble remembering names. This is a reoccurring joke throughout the story after I introduced it in the first section of this chapter.
  5. "The Tournament Announcer, kami rest his soul, looked utterly perplexed, like he had just been slapped in the face with a finely preserved coelacanth and lived to taste the cider." - There are three noteworthy things about this sentence. For one, I use "kami rest his soul" instead of "god rest his soul" to show that this is indeed taking place in the Dragon Ball universe (in a slightly mocking sort of way to those who say things like that in their fanons seriously). Secondly, I mentioned the coelacanth because when I was writing this, I was looking up Lazarus taxon for my own pleasure. Secondly, the part about tasting the cider is just pure nonsense used for comedic value.
  6. Yamcha forgetting about his hate for the light is just a reference to how drunk Yamcha's become at that point. We have stated by this point that he and the Announcer have been drinking lots of alcohol but that is a little way to reinforce the idea into the readers' minds.
  7. The bitch's car being a baby blue sedan is a reference to the Modest Mouse Song Baby Blue Sedan. I remember being very excited when I made this reference as it seemed rather seamless to me.
  8. "“Only a lying bitch would drive that piece of shit!” Yamcha declared to the pigeons watching him from the top of the buildings." is a moment of comedy that shows how random Yamcha's anger is. He doesn't even know the woman, yet he suddenly assumes that she's a lying bitch and that baby blue sedans are pieces of shit. Him talking to the pigeons is a great moment, because it shows Yamcha's detachment from reality.
  9. The way the Announcer and Yamcha run through the street is a reference to the way George does in the Seinfeld episode, The Frogger. Fine episode that was.
  10. The throwing up just begins in the first section I wrote, but it was foreshadowing for lots of vomiting that would take place by the end of the chapter.
  11. The two had to look for the baby blue sedan all day because I wanted it to be close to night when the chapter actually ended.
  12. The woman Yamcha had never met being his mortal enemy is funny and sad at the same time. It's a clear moment where Yamcha is projecting his own pain and hate onto the Announcer's villain because he cannot do so with Vegeta or Bulma quite yet.
  13. Yamcha has something akin to a drug addiction with his desire to hurt other people. As long as he's making others feel bad, he can't feel bad himself, so that's why he damaged the secretary's car so much. He was scared of his own feelings.
  14. "So Yamcha created an energy ball of so fine a strain..." is a reference to the Ralph Waldo Emerson poem, Threnody. As any astute reader would note, I used the Threnody poem (including the 'so fine a strain' line) in the opening of Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem.
  15. The reference to Myrrah's shriekers is a Gears of War reference. Shriekers are an enemy in that game series.
  16. Yamcha's jump to wanting to burn down the secretary's house is a large one, but it's possible due to Yamcha's mental state. It also furthers the thematic focus of this chapter being anger.
  17. I was quite glad I didn't have to write the section where Yamcha burned down the secretary's house, even though I introduced the idea in my own section.
  18. The people petting cats in the background is a reference to a youtube video I had watched before writing my second section of this chapter where some people were doing just that. It was hilarious so I had to add it in.
  19. Yamcha and the Announcer had to leave after they destroyed the house. I wasn't quite sure how to make that happen at first, but then I remembered they were drinking a lot. Running out of liquor (and thus, needing to leave to find some more) seemed quite fitting.
  20. The exchange between Yamcha and the Announcer after they left the burning house was one of my favorite moments of this story. I found it very funny when writing it and when reading it back over.
  21. The Tournament Announcer and Yamcha throwing up repeatedly at the end of the story was a repetition gag that I thought would be funny to put in the story. It doesn't serve any other purpose really.
  22. The Tournament Announcer saying he can announce a tournament is a moment of clarity for him, where he realizes his purpose in life once again (like he did in Speedball). It's far more humorous in this story than it was in Speedball, I think.
  23. I used the word narcosis instead of drunkenness near the end of this chapter because I was tired of using the words drunkenness and stupor.
  24. Firetrucks have always hurt my ears quite a bit. I don't know how other people don't seem to react to how loud they are. So I added Yamcha's awareness of their shrillness into this chapter. Yamcha forgetting what firetrucks are is like him forgetting he hated the light earlier in the story. It's a sign of his extreme drunkenness.
  25. I had the Announcer say "competititititors" because of all dem tittehs.
  26. "He wanted some of those buff guys who went to every tournament but were really weak as shit." - this line is a reference to all of the Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z tournaments that have these really strong-looking guys who aren't strong at all. I always found that slightly weird so I wanted to talk about it in the story.
  27. The last section of chapter 2 really sets up the plot for the entire story, as humorous as it seems. I think this section is particularly effective because it combines comedy with exposition, allowing the characters to detail what will happen in the coming chapters without it being boring. For me, at least, this part was a highly effective narrative moment in the story. Of course, I had Yamcha state that no one strong would attend the tournament so that he could beat up weak fighters and get Bulma's vagina moist. He mentioned Goku, yes, but he also mentioned other humans, like Krillin and Tien who some would consider to be in Yamcha's league (not me though). Notably, he did not mention Chiaotzu in the inner monologue so that Chiaotzu could be introduced later in the story.

Chapter 3: Bargaining[edit | edit source]

"You are such a blessing and I won't be messing

with the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness

You are my best friend

and I love you, and I love you

Yes I do"

-My Best Friend By Weezer - An Ode From Destructivedisk to KidVegeta

Soon after the two had resolved to create a new tournament, the bandit and the Announcer found themselves aimlessly wandering around the neighborhood. “We needa base o’ operations,” Yamcha declared, scanning around to get a view of his surroundings.

“Oh right.” The Tournament Announcer silently contemplated the options for a moment, spinning around on one foot. “Wee can use my house,” the Announcer replied.

Yamcha nodded. “Wheresit at?” The Announcer pointed to a far off location, and the two took off in the air with great haste.

Within minutes, the two had arrived at the Tournament Announcer’s home, and Yamcha was amazed at how elegant and spacious the house was. Even more shocking to Yamcha was the abundance of alcohol found within the many cabinets of the kitchen, along with 6-9 dragon dildos. He was pleased, and he found himself ready to get to work at last.

“I’ll doo the fightas, and you cen take carre of the tourn’ment?” Yamcha asked of the Tournament Announcer.

“You betcha.” The Tournament Announcer began walking away, ready to get to work on his half of the deal. After a moment, though, he turned back and exclaimed, “I’m going to get the bad-assest stage the world’s eva seen!” Yamcha responded to this with the most enthusiastic fist pump he had ever mustered.

Yamcha pulled out his cellular telephone and began to search through his list of contacts. He knew that the tournament could only feature the most pathetic fighters the world had to offer, for otherwise there was a chance that one of them could best the desert bandit. Yamcha glanced through the list.

It took some time before Yamcha could settle on who to invite. His first thought was Master Roshi, but he was a bit afraid of Master Roshi’s 100% power form and concluded that he was a bit too fearsome to invite. He momentarily considered inviting Puar, but decided that Puar’s ability to transform added too great an element of uncertainty for Yamcha to risk it. The same went for Oolong. He was unable to make up his mind about Yajirobe, and ultimately decided to wait until later to make a final decision.

However, before too long, Yamcha’s eyes settled upon the perfect fighter to invite. He would be the first of many, but Yamcha knew that he was just pathetic enough to invite to his tournament. There was literally nobody that Yamcha was more confident of his superiority over. He clicked the contact and eagerly pressed down on the call button, swooping the phone up to his ear with great haste.

A few moments later, the phone was finally answered. A small, meek voice from the other end said, “Hello?”

Yamcha was elated. “Chaozu, old buddy-o boy! Whass goin’ on?”

Chiaotzu was silent for a moment. “Yamcha, are you drunk again?”

Yamcha barely even noticed the mime’s jabs. He yelled out, “Chaozu! I need you to partacapate in my tourn’ment! I think ya can win it!”

“Yamcha, please stop. Go take a nap.”

“Now, now, Chaozu, I know that ev’ryone else thinks you’re a weak-ass, weird little mime guy, but I’ve always sorta thought ya were cool. I know you’re stronger than ya look, and I’m sure thar are people out thar you can beat!”

Chiaotzu’s only response was silence. Before too long, Yamcha came to realize that Chiaotzu had hung up. Yamcha was dismayed that his little mime friend had hung up on him, and he poured himself a glass of wine to calm himself down. Before long, Yamcha forgot about his first conversation with Chiaotzu, and decided it was high time to call him again.

“Chaozu! Buddy ol’ boy! Willya be in my tourn’ment?”

“Yamcha, I think you need help,” Chiaotzu replied softly. “Tien and me can come over-”

“No! No no no no no no no!” Yamcha bellowed.

There was silence for a moment.

“A-are you sure, Yamcha?”

“Lookee, man, I juss needya ta be aparta my tourn’ment!” Yamcha said. He could hear the silence coming on once again, so he decided, as desperate as he was, to employ the most famous tactic of the common bitch. He cried. “P-p-please m-man!” he stuttered, tears flowing down his cheeks as he spoke. They tasted like alcohol. “Y-y-you gotta h-help m-me! I’ll even make sure wee got some tenshindong fer you to eat! I need someone and you’re my bessfriend and… and…”

His voice devolved into a bunch of cries and sniffles.

For a moment, he didn’t know if it had worked. So he kept up the crying; and he found that, in his drunken state, it came to him quite easily. Perhaps Chiaoztu was consulting with Tien. That wouldn’t surprise him. The two were inseparable, like an old married couple (and he imagined their sex to be just as disgusting, though he couldn’t stop thinking about it and how it would work). There was also the awkward notion that Yamcha hadn’t invited Tien – really, that was because Tien would beat the living shit out of him should they ever duel in the tournament. So could Chiaotzu manage to come alone? He sure hoped so. Getting back Bulma depended on it. Then, he heard a sigh. Yamcha’s heart leapt into his throat, giving him a sensation close to that of an orgasm. Of course, he would never admit to Chiaotzu that the little clown had just made him feel that good. He hiccupped and then threw up.

Even as Yamcha was ridding his body of poisonous alcohol, Chiaotzu spoke again, and his voice was much more compassionate than before:

“All right, Yamcha. I’ll be there. Where’s it at?”

“I’ll sendya the address in a text, buddy-o,” Yamcha replied with remarkable calm, considering he was spitting bile and vomit from his teeth.

They said their goodbyes, and Yamcha hung up. As soon as he did, he wiped his eyes and nose, and glanced around for the nearest bottle of alcohol. Upon finding it, he threw it at the wall and let out a long, extended ‘whooooooooooooooooooo!!’. From the other room, he heard a follow-up ‘whoooooooooooo!’ come from the Tournament Announcer. Yamcha nodded in approval. Through begging like a woman would, he had gotten his first entrant into the tournament. Fuck yeah.

Yamcha didn’t have to resort to such emotional prostitution for any of the others he called up. For King Chappa, Bacterian, Heroic Hambone, Ranfan, Beaver Cleavage, Giran, Gregor, Man-Wolf, Sergeant Pepper, Pamput, Laughing Boy, Beric Dondarrion, Master Bruce, and Kiss of Meth, he only needed to tell them it was a tournament and that there were going to be cameras there. The prize would be a billion zeni and a six pack of beer. Of course, since Yamcha was going to win, he wasn’t actually going to pay anyone that kind of money or give them his precious alcohol. They could keep them dreaming, though. Including Chiaotzu and himself, there were now sixteen entrants into his super awesome tournament. Yamcha was ecstatic. It was all coming together.

“Yamcha! Yamcha!” The Tournament Announcer came rushing into the room, partially slipping in a puddle of vomit on the way in. “I’ve gottus a stage to fight awn!”

“Awright! I’ve gottus sixteen partacapents!” The duo embraced each other, squeezing one another tightly and wholesomely. Yamcha asked, “Wheresit at?”

“I gottus a gig in West City. I talked ta the press, ‘n’ they’ll be thar too!” The two jumped around like giddy school girls, and the new movement made both of them vomit up a little bit of alcohol. “The fuckin’ stage has dragons on it, man!”

“This calls fer a drink!” Yamcha declared, to the excited yelps of the Tournament Announcer. He entered the kitchen and got a bottle of vodka, smashing it against the side of his head and drinking the trails that fell down his face. He was going to win Bulma back after all.

It was then, though, that Yamcha noticed a small pair of handcuffs, padded with purple leather, lying on the Announcer’s kitchen counter.

“Hey, Mr. Announcer, whattare these fer?” Yamcha asked, holding up the pair of handcuffs.

The Announcer entered the room and took a good look at the device. He thought about it for a moment, and then, in a great flash of insight, it came to him. After checking the clock, he declared, “Oh shit! I gotta court meeting ‘bout the sessual ‘arassment lawsuit in half a’ hour!”

“Relax! We can getcha thar in ten minutes!”

“Yamcher, you dun understand! I dun have a lawyer!”

Yamcha and the Announcer stood there for several minutes. This was a seemingly inescapable predicament.

It was then that Yamcha realized what he had to do. He had an obligation to his good friend, who had given him a tournament. It was time to repay him for that.

“I’ll repr’sent ya. I’ll be ya lawyer,” Yamcha stated, turning around to face the door.

“Ya mean it? You’ll do that fer me?” the Announcer asked. Yamcha turned around and gave the Announcer a reassuring thumbs up and a smile.

Yamcha leaned over and instructed the Announcer to grab on to his back. It was gonna be a rough flight.

The two shot through the air with great speed. Yamcha’s flight was not steady, and he wavered wildly through the air. He dodged a great number of trees and buildings and only crashed into a few. The Tournament Announcer, a man who was excellent with directions, showed them the way to the court house with great accuracy. He even knew all the shortcuts. They made it there with time to spare, meaning that they stopped at the gas station beforehand and bought (and consumed) a six-pack first. After that detour, though, they finished their flight.

The duo entered the courthouse. The press had flocked to the courthouse, and the two were barraged with photos and questions as they entered. It did not occur to them that they were the only two people in the building who were not wearing suits, and they also forgot to clean the bile off of their clothes. Regardless, their cause was noble, and it was time to exact justice upon the whorish secretary who had brought up the charge.

The two found their seats before long. Across the aisle sat the Tournament Announcer’s former secretary, with her legal staff and variety of supporters. Yamcha spat vaguely in her direction as a show of disrespect, which she responded to with a confused and inquisitive look.

The judge began the formal proceedings. “On this here day, the Tournament Announcer has been charged with class three sexual harassment, quid pro pro sexual favors, a class C felony…”

“Objection!” the Tournament Announcer yelled out.

“What?” the Judge replied, stunned.

“I didn’t do that!” the Tournament Announcer explained.

The Judge stopped for a moment, and then continued. He would explain courts to the Announcer later – first, the indictment had to occur. Yamcha’s attention soon waned, and he stopped paying attention to the list of charges. He had forgotten where he was until he was asked to make opening statement, to which he, startled, stood up and took the podium.

He looked out over the crowd in the courtroom. Boy, there sure were a lot of people! Yamcha hiccupped nervously, but then decided he could handle it.

Yamcha, after several minutes of nervous coughing, finally began. “My client, the Tournament Announcer, is a good fuckin’ man. Uh, me and him, we go way back, and he, uh, he…”

It was then that the desert bandit stumbled off on a several minute rant composed primarily of prepositions and conjunctions. Some people, fearing that he was delivering a hate speech, fled the building. After a couple minutes, he left the podium and sat back down.

He and the Tournament Announcer fist pounded as he took his seat.

Endnotes:

  1. The first two chapters of STTB were written within a day of one another. This chapter was written a week after chapter 2.
  2. If Destructivedisk hadn't used the Weezer song in this chapter's opening, I would have used it in chapter 4.
  3. The thing about the Tournament Announcer finding the dragon dildos is a refernce to this site (real and nsfw!). It's one of those sites on the internet that you just have to question why it exists. I actually added in the dragon dildo part to Destructivedisk's sections, making it one of the few times I edited his sections at all. It was just too perfect a comedic moment to pass up. The following line where the Announcer was then ready to get to work now has several meanings with the dragon dildo addendum just before it.
  4. I remember when Destructivedisk and I were discussing plot ideas for this story and we came up with the thing about Chiaotzu. It was one of our finest ideas to have him in the tournament. We found it very funny.
  5. Yamcha's slew of 'no's was a reference to the subtitle of the Radiohead song, A Punchup at a Wedding.
  6. Yamcha crying in order to get Chiaotzu to go to his tournament was a nod to an episode of Seinfeld, where a character named George used the same tactic to get what he wanted.
  7. Yamcha tasting his tears is something he does quite a bit in STTB. That they taste like alcohol means that Yamcha is severely inebriated and is a fine joke in my opinion. He's such an alcoholic that in his desperation, he's even drinking his tears to get some alcohol.
  8. "Tenshindong" is supposed to be tenshindon, which is a Japanese food dish (and also the source of Tien's name pun!). I added the g at the end to make it a dong to not only show Yamcha was drunk but to make a penis joke. Of course, Chiaotzu loves eating tenshindon, so the joke makes it seem like Chiaotzu wants to give Tien a blowjob.
  9. Yamcha telling Chiaotzu that he was his best friend was a lie.
  10. Yamcha thinking about Chiaotzu and Tien having sex is something he would only do while drunk, but something any fan of Dragon Ball would also wonder about at some time or another.
  11. Chiaotzu accidentally gave Yamcha an orgasm over the phone, though Yamcha never told the clown about it. I think it would have been weird if he had.
  12. Yamcha is so calm when he is vomiting because it's such a common thing he does while drunk. He's quite used to throwing up constantly by this point in the story.
  13. I had Yamcha send Chiaotzu the address of the tournament in a text because I didn't want to be bothered with coming up with a fake address.
  14. Yamcha throwing the bottle at the wall randomly and then screaming is one of my favorite jokes in the story. And then the Tournament Announcer does a follow-up 'whoooo' in the other room. It's so random and so funny to me.
  15. Yamcha's way of getting Chiaotzu to attend the tournament (in my part) was done to bring relevancy to the chapter's title, Bargaining. As with the previous chapters, we wanted the theme of the chapter's title to be present in the actual story.
  16. I decided while writing my section that Yamcha's tournament would be a round of sixteen-style tourney. So I needed fourteen more entrants. I scoured the Dragon Ball Wiki for previous tournament participants who Yamcha could certainly defeat. This is why King Chappa, Bacterian, Ranfan, Giran, Man-Wolf, Pamput, and Gregor take part in the tournament. Still, it left me with seven original characters to create. I specifically set out to make all of those characters into jokes, for there was little funny about any of the canon entrants.
  17. Heroic Hambone came out of nowhere, really. I just found it funny.
  18. Beaver Cleavage was the name of a real wrestler. I found it on a list of the 50 worst names in wrestling ever. It was by far the most hilarious one, so I had to use it.
  19. Sergeant Pepper is a reference to The Beatles' album, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
  20. Beric Dondarion is a reference to the A Song of Ice and Fire character of the same name. I always loved Beric's name. It just rolls of the tongue.
  21. Laughing Boy is a reference to the Modest Mouse song, A Manic Depressive Named Laughing Boy.
  22. Kiss of Meth was a pun on the phrase 'kiss of death'. I was particularly proud of coming up with this one.
  23. Master Bruce was the singular original name created by Destructivedisk. I asked him to give me a name for one of the entrants, and that's what he gave me.
  24. Coming up with the fourteen entrants for the tournament took me a long time. This was the first time in my writing for Sink to the Bottom that my section took me longer than thirty minutes. It would not take me this long again until near the end of the last chapter.
  25. The prize for the tournament was funny to me, since a billion zeni would be an ungodly amount of money. I think most of the World Tournaments gave like 10 million zeni or so. Yamcha's random little tournament would give way more money plus a six-pack of beer, which is obviously a very expensive prize. Yamcha had no way to pay out a billion zeni to himself, so he was clearly very intoxicated when he came up with that prize.
  26. When I read it, I was very happy with Destructivedisk's second section. I thought it was one of the funniest things he had ever written up to that point.
  27. I still laugh out loud when reading that people literally fled when Yamcha was giving his speech. That was so funny.
  28. Even so, I was a bit wary of the courthouse subplot. With only two chapters to go, there wasn't much time to do the tournament, so I knew that I would have to end the trial relatively quickly in chapter 4.

Chapter 4: Depression[edit | edit source]

"But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life, I love you more"

-In My Life by The Beatles - An Ode from KidVegeta to Destructivedisk

The judge, who was a respectable-looking man in his sixties, raised his brow and stared down at the duo sitting before him. Yamcha had a slack-smile on his face, and the Tournament Announcer was sleeping (though no one could tell, since he was wearing some fine shades).

“What is the meaning of this?!” the Judge boomed. “You two are acting completely inappropriate in my courtroom! I could have you arrested for-”

“Heeeey fucknugget, we gotta go, dereza tourn’ment ta ‘rganize…” Yamcha slurred.

“Yeah, this ain’t no sessual ‘arassment. Bish ain’t got no witnesses!” the Tournament Announcer followed up. Apparently, he was awake.

The Judge stood up in manner that made it look like he had just tried to sit down on a molten dragon dildo. His face was as red as the color red. “Enough! Approach the bench, both of you!”

Yamcha stood up and stumbled forward. The Announcer followed his heels and he walked on all fours. Upon reaching the bench, the two looked up at the robed Judge and beamed widely.

“Less go! Less go! We win, right?” the Tournament Announcer whooped.

“Is this man really your attorney, Tournament Announcer?” the Judge asked, waving an old shriveled hand to Yamcha’s vicinity.

“Yeah, ‘e’s cool, ‘e’s cool.”

“You both appear to be extremely drunk! Public intoxication is a crime in and of itself that will carry an additional-”

“Duuude, shutta fuckup! Dis is bullshit man… bitchis makin’ shit up, y’know? Sheee should get more punishment than us burnin’ up her house.”

The two fist-pumped again.

“You did what?! Whaaaaaaaat?!!?!” a raspy, painfully shrill voice, imbued with the force of a thousand bitches, screeched out. She had the comedic timing of any female comedian; suffice to say, no one laughed. The woman who had accused the good Tournament Announcer stood up behind them and looked as if she was in the middle of a convulsion. People around rushed to her aid, except for Yamcha and the Announcer. They looked back up at the Judge, who was staring them down with eyes which looked like a bull’s.

At once, there was silence. It was the sound of a cricket riding a tumbleweed. And they stared each other down. Yamcha didn’t blink. The Tournament Announcer probably didn’t either. The Judge quivered with rage and anger, his forehead perspiring and his ears gently moving back and forth, as if his mind had been overloaded. Finally, Yamcha broke the silence by accidentally throwing up on him.

The Judge screamed in a way that reminded Yamcha of the bitch who had just yelled out moments prior. They sounded quite a bit alike. Before the Judge could say anything, before the bailiff could come over and what happened, before even the onlookers sitting on the benches in the back of the room could process what had happened, the Tournament Announcer spoke.

“Y’know, you aren’t half the man your mother was!”

Then, he scrounged out an empty beer can from his pants’ pocket and threw it at the judge. Yamcha thought that was pretty rad.

This was literally the single lowest moment of the Tournament Announcer’s entire life. He was on charge for sexual harassment, assault of a judge, felony arson, and public intoxication. Had his list gone on any longer, it would have begun to rival George Bluth Sr.’s list of felonies too – alas, it ended there, for it was then that the miracle of capitalism occurred.

Into the court room strode a man in a three-thousand dollar suit. In his hand he carried a black leather suitcase, one with so many locks and switches that it was practically a wetsuit for a sadomasochist. His hair was salt and pepper colored and combed excellently upward, held in place by a fine gel. He was, in short, a man of very professional décor.

He glided up to the front of the courtroom and let himself into the area with Yamcha and the Announcer. With great authority, he hollered out, “I am the lawyer!” (It was then, and only then, that the Tournament Announcer remembered he had spent millions of dollars to hire a lawyer.)

The crowd let out a great collective gasp. What an unbelievable twist! Yamcha was not in fact the lawyer, but in sooth this new man was. The judge, in shock, demanded order in the court.

The lawyer, assessing the situation, turned to the judge and asked, “May I have a moment to convene with my client?” The judge allowed this, at which point the lawyer said to the Tournament Announcer, “Who the fuck is this?”

“This be Yumcher. He’s my lawya, and we’re fightin’ the sessual ‘arrasment suit together. I think we’ve got the jury’s favor right now…”

The lawyer grimaced. “Are you in any way connected to the plaintiff’s house burning down?”

“Oh yeah! You bet your ass we are!” the Tournament Announcer proudly replied.

The lawyer glanced around nervously. “Is there any evidence indicating that?”

“I dun think so… Oh wait! We told ‘em.”

“And why is the judge soaked in vomit?”

Yamcha threw his arms up in great confusion. He couldn’t remember, for the life of him, why the judge had vomited all over himself. It was such an odd turn of events.

The lawyer glanced around himself nervously. He couldn’t come to a decision about how to handle this situation. His skill in improvisation had gotten him through law school – he could come up with a plan now. This was all a big misunderstanding… the Tournament Announcer wasn’t really drunk, he was just stricken with grief because he had lost his favorite dog in the catastrophic fire… no, no, that would never work. He started to think, and he knew it wouldn’t be too long till he reached a conclusion.

“Hey, man,” Yamcha hollered out, “’Member when we fucked up dat bitch’s carr?” The Tournament Announcer and Yamcha high fived at this, laughing in joy.

The lawyer finally came to a decision. It was not too late to make a positive outcome out of this anyways, for he had a solution.

“Your honor,” he began, “I’ve come to the wrong court case. I have to go.”

The lawyer was out of the building before anyone could make a note of it, and the Tournament Announcer would never see or hear from him again.

Yamcha watched him fly out of the building faster than Shadowfax could gallop across the Rohirrim plains. Watching this, the good bandit got a sudden idea, which was much too clever for his current state of mind to fully grasp. He rummaged in his back pockets and then pulled out two plastic masks. Both of them were beautifully grotesque renditions of Cupid’s fat face, crafted from the finest Chinese plastic. He threw one to the Tournament Announcer before fitting one over his face. Then, in a muffled voice, Yamcha screamed out:

“Less blow dis joint!” Yamcha laughed and then ran out of the courtroom.

“Yeah, blow me, bitch!” The Tournament Announcer shrieked like a gypsy taking a very hot bath. He raised both of his hands and gave everyone the double finger (double the ‘fuck you’) before following Yamcha out. By the time the Bailiff and the other policemen had figured out what was going on and ran outside, Yamcha and the Announcer were gone; indeed, though the humans could not see them, Yamcha and his best friend ever were flying off into the sunset like a couple of unjaded cowboys who didn’t know there weren’t any frontiers left to explore.

They couldn’t go back to the Tournament Announcer’s house, for the feds were probably already swarming over it like the cockroaches they were. And they couldn’t go to Yamcha’s home, either. He didn’t want Puar to see him like he was, either. So the two of them went to the best place they could think of – a bar. It was around 3am when they touched down in North City (which was far, far away from the dreaded courthouse) and stepped inside the place. It smelled of piss and paint thinner to Yamcha, and he felt at home.

The two of them sat down in the corner of the bar, away from the other customers, to discuss their tournament. They didn’t bother taking off their masks, because, honestly, they were still pretty wasted.

“What’re we gonna callit?!” The Tournament Announcer quipped.

“Uh, ‘ow’bout… Yamcha’s and Tourney Dude’s Best Tournament For All The Strongest Fighters On Earth!”

“Yes, yes, yes!” The Tournament Announcer jumped out of his seat and punched the air as if it were a giant marshmallow. “I’ll start making the banners!”

Yamcha watched him. The Tournament Announcer had already rented out a location for the Tournament, and a stage was being constructed as they sipped sweet poison, but Yamcha couldn’t help but think it was all a waste. He’d been helping the Tournament Announcer with his woman problems (without getting much in return), and it had nearly gotten them both imprisoned for life. In fact, they were on the run for what they had done in that courtroom. He had no endgame for that. He didn’t know how to fix what he’d done.

Another round of drinks were brought to the two, and they happily sipped them down. The Tournament Announcer was writing things down with penmanship that would make a doctor look like an artist. Yamcha assumed it was all for the tournament. But he didn’t know. As he was watching the man, Yamcha was swiftly and unexpectedly hit with great emotion. Tears welled in his eyes, and he felt a great pressure in his chest.

“What’re we doin’, man?” Yamcha slurred out in a mixture of drunkenness and melancholy. “Whassit for?”

“Gettin’ you the bloomers, man,” The Announcer said from behind Cupid’s eyes.

Yamcha shook his head. “Lookit us. We’re fucked. Why would she ever want me when’m like this?”

The Tournament Announcer patted Yamcha on the back. “Now, now, Yumcher, if there’s one thing I know, iss that you’re a good man. No matta how much we drank, you were always thar fer me.”

Yamcha looked the Tournament Announcer square in the eyes and realized that the announcer, in a bout of sudden openness, had removed his sunglasses. The bandit swigged down a good gulp of bourbon, and, consequently, began to water at the eyes. He clenched his hands and felt the glass shatter within his grasp. The tears started streaming before long (the tears still tasted like alcohol), and he started to wonder what a tournament was going to do to win back Bulma.

The Tournament Announcer was taken aback. “C’mon, mayne, you’re my best friend. Dun be like dis…”

Yamcha fell onto the floor and began to writhe around in some other person’s vomit. “’N’ that’s the saddest part! Of all the people I’ve known, you’re my best frand, and I dun even know your first name! Goker left me, ol’ Kriller left me, Master Rosher left me! The only one that will even come to my tournerment is Chaozu, and that’s worse than nobody coming at all!” To top it all off, Yamcha threw the shards of glass that remained in his hand at the wall, watching what remained of the glass smash to bits and pieces.

The Tournament Announcer responded, “Wewll, who needs ‘em, anyways? We’ll show ‘em when you win the tourn’ment of all the greatest fighters on Earth.”

Yamcha bawled some more. “I ain’t ever gonna win! I’m in the worst shape of my life. Last time I tried a Wolf Fang Fist, Puar laughed at me and called it the “Dog Tooth Dance”. Even Beaver Cleavage could beat me now!”

The Tournament Announcer looked down at the vomit-covered, Cupid-faced man writhing below him and resolved that it was time to remind this man just who he was: the god-damn, undisputed heavy-weight Martial Arts quarterfinalist! Nothing could stop Yamcha, and of this the Tournament Announcer was sure.

“Pick yerself up,” The Announcer commanded. “We’ll get you back into shape.”

Yamcha did not comply with The Announcer’s commands. Instead, he remained on the floor and licked up his tears, finding that they tasted quite a bit like alcohol. Before long, though, The Tournament Announcer simply lifted him from the floor himself.

He gestured to the Bartender, and said, “Get this man a beer.” He put his sunglasses back on and looked back over at Yamcha, realizing that it was time for a healthier option. “Make that two beers. And a banana.”

It was time to train.

The two removed their Cupid Masks, and were almost immediately recognized by the bartender as the two men he had seen on the news that were wanted for three separate felonies. The bartender’s heart was warmed, however, by their sudden drive to train, and supplied them with a bonus beer and two bonus bananas. Yamcha and the Tournament Announcer each gulfed a banana down, and then Yamcha felt strong once more. He would kick Beaver Cleavage’s ass if it killed him.

Endnotes:

  1. This was the first chapter to have four sections (two written by me and two written by Destructivedisk). This was necessary since the subplot of the Tournament Announcer's trial took up so many words.
  2. I tried harder in my first section to align my dialogue with Destructivedisk's. One thing with STTB is that the dialogue that Destructivedisk and I write for the characters differs slightly, so I made a conscious effort to close that gap in this opening section.
  3. The description of the Judge is a nod to the opening of Forever Alone.
  4. The Tournament Announcer slipping in and out of consciousness shows how drunk he actually is. He has likely never gotten so wasted before meeting Yamcha. He can barely stay awake, the poor lad. What's funny though, is that he still wears sunglasses indoors, so no one can tell. I don't think that would be permitted by court rules, but Yamcha and the Announcer didn't give a fuck about the rules.
  5. The reference to the dragon dildo follows up on the one earlier reference to such dildos in the previous chapter. Such dildos actually exist over the internet, and are supa fine, so I thought it'd be funny to reference their existence.
  6. The Judge addresses the Tournament Announcer as the Tournament Announcer like that's his actual name.
  7. The Tournament Announcer reminds me of a small child. He has such glee about him when he gets intoxicated. He brings a certain energy to the story that Yamcha lacks, even when he's drunk.
  8. I thought it was funny that the secretary didn't even know Yamcha had burned down her house yet. Makes you wonder where she was spending her time (pro tip: she was fucking someone).
  9. I railed against female comedians simply because I haven't seen a single female standup who has been funny.
  10. The bit about the cricket riding a tumbleweed is a reference to this video.
  11. I don't know where the Judge's ears moving about in his rage came from, but I found it funny when I thought of it. I'm not sure if that's what angry people who can move their ears actually do.
  12. Yamcha throwing up on the Judge was my attempt to end the court scene. I figured that after that happened, the Judge would try to arrest Yamcha and he'd escape. As it happened, Destructivedisk kept up the court scene for the entirety of his first section of this chapter, forcing me to end it another way.
  13. The insult the Tournament Announcer speaks is perhaps his greatest line in the story. It's such a great insult on so many levels and so inappropriate too. One thing that is so hilarious about this scene is that Yamcha and the Tournament Announcer just don't give a fuck. They are breaking so many laws and protocols and the Judge has never seen anything like it before, so he doesn't know how to deal with them.
  14. The Tournament Announcer scrounging out an empty can and throwing it at the Judge was another favorite moment of mine to write. It comes out of nowhere, it's highly illegal and childish, and I ended my section with it so that Destructivedisk would have to specifically deal with the Judge's retaliation. As it so happened, he didn't have the Judge immediately react to it by arresting Yamcha and the Tournament Announcer.
  15. I felt like Yamcha and the Tournament Announcer were treating the trial as a game in the beginning. They were playing around, on emotional highs, and not caring about anything. This specifically set them up to crash and burn later in the chapter so as to make the chapter's name - Depression - be relevant to the story.
  16. The Shadowfax mention is a reference to The Lord of the Rings, where Shadowfax is a horse (the greatest of the Mearas, yo) who can run really fast.
  17. Because Destructivedisk didn't end the court scene in his section, I meant to do it immediately in my second section. I literally pulled an escape out of a bag with the cupid masks. I don't think they were a reference to anything in particular. It was just funny to see the two wearing such ridiculous disguises.
  18. "Yamcha and his best friend ever were flying off into the sunset like a couple of unjaded cowboys who didn’t know there weren’t any frontiers left to explore." - I think this is one of my better lines in the story. It's not humorous, really. It's foreshadowing the two drunkards' fall though. They are in a euphoric, naive state in this chapter, and it has to end for the good of the story (as funny as it was). They need to learn some lessons about life and become more cynical, as sad as that is.
  19. I've always thought that certain hard liquors smell like paint thinner, which is why Yamcha smelled that when he entered the bar.
  20. "Yamcha’s and Tourney Dude’s Best Tournament For All The Strongest Fighters On Earth!" is something I could see a drunk Yamcha thinking up. It's a too-long name, which is comical in and of itself, but I think the best part is that Yamcha calls the Announcer the "Tourney Dude". It's also quite the misleading title (so Yamcha can trick Bulma), as Yamcha isn't inviting anyone strong.
  21. I always imagined that when the Tournament Announcer said, "Yes, yes, yes!" after Yamcha tells him about the name of the tournament, he came hard.
  22. The bit about Yamcha helping out the Tournament Announcer but the Tournament Announcer not doing much back for him was a reference to Destructivedisk and his girlfriend.
  23. While Yamcha had no endgame for the courthouse debacle, I had thought of one before we even started writing this chapter.
  24. The Tournament Announcer calls Bulma "Bloomers" to continue the trend of him mispronouncing Bulma's name. I think she was actually called Bloomers in several dubs of Dragon Ball Z. It's a horribly hilarious name, so I had to use it.
  25. I've been hit swiftly and unexpectedly by emotion while drunk, so that's why I had the same happen to Yamcha. This point of the chapter is the turning point really from Yamcha's high to his low. Yes, he's had angsty thoughts throughout the chapter, but they were just observations, and they never affected him greatly until that moment.
  26. I ended my section so that Destructivedisk could tackle Yamcha's depression in the chapter, as I handled most of the other themes in the previous chapters (bargaining and anger especially).
  27. Destructivedisk continues the mentioning of alcohol tears that I started earlier in the story. This was a good bit of continuation between the two of us. Additionally, it set up the last line of the entire story beautifully.
  28. We really hate on Chiaotzu in this story and I love it. Destructivedisk's line, "The only one that will even come to my tournerment is Chaozu, and that’s worse than nobody coming at all!" is such a good piece of dialogue. It's funny and tragic and badass.
  29. To this day, I still don't understand Destructivedisk's thing about the banana at the end of this chapter. Is it supposed to be like Popeye and spinach? Who knows!

Chapter 5: Acceptance[edit | edit source]

"It's always best when the light is off

I am the pick in the ice

Do not cry out or hit the alarm

You know we're friends till we die

And either way you turn

I'll be there

Open up your skull

I'll be there

Climbing up the walls"

-Climbing up the Walls by Radiohead - An Ode from Destructivedisk to KidVegeta

Yamcha stood in the center of his tournament’s stage, watching it all come together. The stands, which would be able to hold thousands of people, were still under construction. But they would be finished soon; he could feel it in his bones. He looked at the entrance to the stage, where a marble archway stood. On it, in flowery letters was the inscription, ‘Yamcha’s and Tourney Dude’s Best Tournament For All The Strongest Fighters On Earth’. It was beautiful. He almost shed a tear.

Yamcha had been sober for over three minutes. He was ready to do this, finally. And so was the Tournament Announcer. Yamcha noticed him off in a corner, staring into a mirror and commentating on some unseen fight (maybe he was reliving Yamcha’s greatest moments in the ring, for they were many). Yamcha chuckled to himself as he saw the camera crews start pouring in like the maggots they were. Yeah, even if Bulma didn’t make it in person, there was no way she wouldn’t see Yamcha in all his glory.

The tournament had garnered the expected attention. Yamcha was a legend in his own mind, so anything he put his name on should be major news. And as most stations knew, people like seeing other people beat up each other. So every channel, save for the Home and Garden Network (fuck plants, Yamcha thought – and he didn’t even want them here – he wasn’t going to have one kill him again) showed up. The tournament would be broadcast on every network. The ad revenue alone would make Yamcha and the Announcer the two richest sons of bitches this side of the Mississippi. For some reason, this made Yamcha think of Rocky Rivers, his arch rival from his baseball career, which caused him to uncontrollably spit into the wind.

The rest of the tournament entrants began flowing into the staging area like the piss from an eighty-two year old man’s urethra into his son’s mouth. Yamcha caught a glimpse of his fiercest opponent, Sergeant Pepper. That guy worried Yamcha. If he was going to lose to anyone in the quarterfinals, it would be to that guy right there. Yamcha made note of the other notable entrants, including the ever popular King Chappa, who was a king of something somewhere (probably), and even Giran. Yamcha loved those guys, and the nostalgia of seeing them touched Yamcha somewhere deep in his liver.

The entrants moved into the training area, which was basically an assortment of training mats in a big tent. In there, the competitors punched punching bags, rolled around like drunk fishes, and stretched their muscles. Yamcha joined in with them. Now that he had been sober for so long, he could train again, and it felt great, just great.

Around noon, the stands had been fully constructed and people started pouring in. Jerry Seinfeld and the Tournament Announcer kept the audience entertained before the start of the tournament, as it was what they were born to do.

Yamcha started scoping out the rest of the competition. Aside from Sergeant Pepper, nobody in the training room seemed too threatening. Kiss of Meth looked out of shape and perhaps out of his normal routine, and Gregor had most certainly put on weight. As per usual, Chiaotzu looked like absolute shit. Yamcha had always wondered what had fucked up the little guy’s weight, but he was always too afraid to ask because he didn’t want to get too close to him.

Yamcha walked over to the punching bags and began swinging away. His great might made right, so to speak, and the punching bags went flailing irregularly around. He continued pounding away, watching the mouths of those around him hang open in disbelief. As it turned out, those months of eating bananas had really paid off.

“Yamcha, please,” rang out a small bitchy voice. It came from the right of Yamcha, out of a mouth too small for its ugly face. “You need help. You don’t have to go through with this.”

Yamcha turned and glared at Chiaotzu. “Don’tchooo tellme whaddido ‘n’ don’t need, lil motherfucka,” he threatened. He threw some fists in the general direction of the little mime before coughing up blood on the floor.

“Me and Tien came here together. We can get you your life back. It’s not too late, Yamcha.”

“I dun need you and your fuckin Cyclops boyfriend! I got the tournee announca! He’ll take good caree o’ me,” Yamcha blurted out, slightly falling over himself. He may have slightly underestimated his level of drunkenness.

Chiaotzu looked over the second most pitiable man in the room, and then decided to give it a rest. “Okay, Yamcha. We can fight in the tournament.”

Satisfied, Yamcha puffed up his chest and walked out of the training room. He knew that it was time to draw seeds, because he ran the tournament. He soon found the seed-drawing room, and discovered that Ranfan and Pamput were already waiting there for him. Before too long, the rest filed in, and it was high time to draw some seeds.

Although Yamcha knew it not, Chiaotzu was intentionally manipulating the draw so that he would have an easy path to the finals. It turned out quite alright – for the first round, Chiaotzu would be fighting Bacterian and Yamcha would be fighting Beric Dondarrion. The rest were essentially left to fight amongst themselves, and, while their families did see their fights as of the utmost importance, it’s not important in the context of this story.

Once the seed-drawing ceremony had concluded, it was time for round one to commence. First and foremost, it was time for the legendary battle of Yamcha and Beric Dondarrion. Yamcha stumbled up into the ring, and Beric Dondarrion proudly pranced onto the stage.

As the Tournament Announcer prepared to ring the bell, Dondarrion elected to engage in trash-talk with Yamcha, as was the custom for most martial artists of the time.

“Hey, pretty boy baseball player, I heard your girlfriend left you for a dog!” Dondarrion barked out at Yamcha, tauntingly. Yamcha furrowed his brow, at first in confusion, and then in anger. How dare he make references to Yamcha’s past relationships!

After a scant moment of hesitation, Yamcha hollered back, “Yeah, well, fuck you, unclefucker!”

And with these words, it was time to begin – the bell rang, and the Tournament Announcer yelled to commence the fight.

Beric, like a little pansy, began dancing around the stage, purposefully avoiding Yamcha while in the process. Yamcha favored a more direct route; with great speed, he dashed over to Beric and punched him in the stomach. This sent him flying out of the ring, knocking him out of bounds within milliseconds. The round was already over.

Yamcha hovered over to inspect the damage. Beric’s eyeball had come flying out of its socket, and a variety of his guts and intestines had been strewn out across the otherwise barren ground. His tongue had fallen off, and not a single tooth remained in his mouth. He was a dead man if Yamcha had ever seen one (and he had seen footage of himself after the Saibaman attack).

Alerted, Yamcha raised his hand to announce that he had, in fact, killed this man. Ceremoniously, he vomited all over the dead carcass, watching the vomit ooze through the cracks in his skin. He glanced around, and, realizing that this might be disrespectful to the man’s family, he started to scoop some of the vomit out of the man’s body. Consequently, he pulled out numerous bones and intestines and tossed them around himself, trying to get every drop of vomit out of the man’s body. It wasn’t until several minutes later that the medics arrived and tore Yamcha away from his carcass, trying desperately to salvage what remained of Beric’s body. Yamcha, overall, just felt really bad about the whole thing.

Then he forgot about it. Yamcha sat down on the grass, cracked open a banana and watched the remainder of the fights. King Chappa rinsed Ranfan; Beaver Cleavage tore a swath through Heroic Hambone; Sergeant Pepper ripped Gregor a new asshole; Laughing Boy did to Giran what the spring does to the cherry trees; Pamput bitched Master Bruce straight out of the ring; Kiss of Meth rode Man-Wolf like the horse in 1 Guy 1 Horse; and then it was time for Chiaotzu’s match. Yamcha cheered on the small cocaine child like Howard Lederer would cheer on his sister if they were playing at the same table.

Chiaotzu stepped onto the plate. His opponent, Bacterian did likewise. The crowd and the Tournament Announcer all put on their pocket gas masks to prepare for the onslaught of Bacterian himself. But nay, at that moment, Chiaotzu, like a majestic white juniper berry rolled forward and stepped into his fighting stance.

Bacterian was puzzled. He clearly asked Chiaotzu about why the young clown wasn’t falling over from his sneak attack constant stink. Yamcha didn’t give a fuck though, so he didn’t hear it.

“Na na na! My mom drank brandy every day for breakfast when she was pregnant with me! So since I was born, I can’t smell anything! The more you know!”

“Huh? Chiaoztu, you’ve always smelled my cooking!” Tien said from the stands.

“That was just pretend, Tien! Gosh! We were just make-believing!” This is the part where Chiaotzu would blush if he wasn’t weird as shit.

“Oh, Chiaotzu! How could you hide this from me? I’m your best friend and much more!” Tien mumbled, fondling his fingers with his other fingers.

Bacterian just stood there in pure awe. Then, before anything else could happen, Chiaotzu rushed at him, flipped over the behemoth and latched onto his back.

“I-I’m sorry Tien… but this is the only way!” Chiaotzu screamed, starting to glow like a Christmas tree, only without the Christmas or the tree.

“No Chiaotzu! No! You’re my friend! Save that move for the final! I love you! Grow up and be strong and get married someday!” Tien bellowed like a bellower.

“Oh, okay Tien. If you say so.”

“So!”

With that, Chiaotzu used his invisible telekinesis ki wave v. 2.0.19.8 to throw Bacterian off of the ring and into the grass. Yamcha scampered away like a prairie dog being chased by a swarm of bees. He didn’t have a gas mask, so he flung the banana peel over his nose. It didn’t help much, but it made him look fashionable.

“Oh my god! Oh my god, folks! This… this is unprecedented!” The Tournament Announcer screamed. The crowd was dead silent. Seriously, a few of them had died from defective gas masks and breathing in Bacterian’s aroma. The other spectators didn’t seem to mind, as they were experimenting with giving the dead people new hairstyles. “Chowzulu won! He fuckin’ won! Oh my god! I-I don’t know what to say…! How the fuck did that happen? What the fuck, Bacterian?”

Bacterian grunted like a bitch in heat.

The Tournament Announcer nodded. “Yeah… now you’ll go down in history as Chow’s first victim!”

Bacterian cried; he cried, he cried. His tears were as moist as Yamcha expected Bulma to be from watching him fight.

Now that Bacterian had lost, and subsequently humiliated himself, his ancestry, and his kin, it was time for the quarter-final round to begin. Yamcha learned that he was going to be fighting Beaver Cleavage, a thought that made him shiver in fear. Yamcha had a bad history with quarterfinal rounds; in fact, the Tournament Announcer literally recognized him as the guy who always lost in quarter-finals. His last round hadn’t gone too well – he was beginning to get nervous. With haste, he gulfed down a dozen bananas, attempting to maintain his peak physical condition. He knew that Beaver Cleavage had been training for months, and he wasn’t sure what to expect.

As Yamcha prepared for his bout with Beaver Cleavage, he heard the door of the locker room open and footsteps tread slowly toward him. He turned around, and saw the Tournament Announcer’s familiar face look at him. The Tournament Announcer patted him on his back, and decided that it was time to give the desert bandit some inspiration.

“Yumcher, I just wantcha ta know that I believe in you.”

Yamcha smiled back warmly. “I believe in ya too! You announce like no one else.”

The two hugged. The Tournament Announcer busted out a bottle of liquor, and the two each took a sip of it before it was empty. This helped somewhat to calm Yamcha’s nerves, and he felt better.

As Yamcha exited to go enter his round, he heard the Announcer call out behind him, “Go live up to your reputation!” Yamcha thought about this for a moment, and then decided that the Announcer probably meant it as encouraging.

After wandering around for a bit, Yamcha found the stage and then stumbled up onto it. Medics were hurriedly carting several members of the crowd out of the arena after the whole incident with Bacterian several minutes beforehand, so the match had been postponed briefly. In frustration, Yamcha sat down on the stage and began to drink from a bottle of vodka, just hoping to kill the time.

It was for this reason, then, that Yamcha failed to realize when the round had started. The Tournament Announcer yelled out, “It’s time for the Quarter-Finalist and Beaver Cleavage to fight it out!”, but Yamcha noticed it not. He sat on the stage and slowly drank his bottle, while Beaver Cleavage hesitantly skirted around the stage.

Beaver Cleavage muttered to himself under his breath. He had the advantage, he told himself, he had the advantage of surprise. He could get Yamcha before Yamcha even knew what had happened. In a sudden moment of courage, Beaver Cleavage flung himself at Yamcha and delivered a frazzling flurry of punches and kicks straight to Yamcha’s torso.

Yamcha was, indubitably, shocked. He looked up at Beaver Cleavage mid-kick, and, purely out of surprise, flung a kick back up at his chin. This sent Beaver Cleavage flying up, up, and away, until he would eventually land back on the grass outside the stage, giving Yamcha the immediate win. Yamcha, once again, walked over to inspect his body.

Like Beric before him, Beaver Cleavage was unquestionably dead, or at least horribly mutilated. Yamcha looked down at him, and instantly felt bad once more. He realized that the various cuts on Beaver Cleavage’s body could become infected, something that Yamcha would feel real bad about. To sanitize the cuts, Yamcha poured his vodka out on the dead body, hoping to disinfect him. He dropped the bottle on Beaver Cleavage in confusion, and then wandered off again.

Fortunately, there were already medics in the area, so they just grabbed Beaver Cleavage’s corpse and went on their way. Yamcha settled down in the stands this time, sitting down next to Tien, who was still coping with his heartbreak over Chiaotzu just make-believing his love of Tien’s cooking. Alas, Yamcha watched the rounds that followed and learned to tune out Tien’s moping.

Laughing Boy wrecked the shit out of King Chappa and Sergeant Pepper had his way with Pamput, and then it was time for the round of Chiaotzu and Kiss of Meth. Chiaotzu, after having executed what was perhaps the biggest upset in Martial Arts Tournament history, was now hoping to follow this up with another surprise victory. He and Kiss of Meth took the stage, as the crowd waited in apprehension.

“This is what happens when you smoke too much opium, folks!” The Tournament Announcer announced as Chiaotzu took the stage. “It’s time for the match between Cheerio and Kiss of Meth!”

Chiaotzu was confident. He had, after all, trained under some of the greatest martial artists both on Earth and in the Other World. He also knew Kiss of Meth’s special move – after breathing on the opponent, the opponent would immediately become similar, both in appearance and internally, to a meth-head. That was his power – he could make you a recovering drug addict.

Chiaotzu knew he could not let Kiss of Meth come to close to him, for that would certainly signal his loss. He had to keep his distance, and fight fair. A Dodon Ray should do the trick.

“3… 2… 1… Let’s jam!” called out the Tournament Announcer, signaling the start of the round.

Chiaotzu immediately started charging up a signature Dodon Ray. Kiss of Meth, however, was too smart for a trick like that. He darted over to Chiaotzu, jumping into the air and spinning around. Chiaotzu was too much of a stupid fuck to understand how to react to that, so he just stood there like a dumb piece of shit and fired Dodon Rays in an erratic pattern around himself. Kiss of Meth got next to Chiaotzu, and breathed right onto his face.

Nothing happened. Silence shook the stands. Why did Chiaotzu not look like a meth addict?

“Joke’s on you, Kiss of Meth. I already was a meth addict. That’s why I look like this.” Chiaotzu pointed at himself, and it instantaneously became obvious. The white skin, the weird fucking cheeks, it was all just tell-tale signs of a drug addict.

Tien stood up abruptly in the stands. “Chiaotzu! How could you lie to me again? You told me you were a vampire! Is our whole friendship and so much more just a lie to you?”

“I was just pretending to benefit our sex, Tien. I thought you were into vampires. I’m sorry.”

Tien could take no more. “Why don’t you just blow yourself up on his back? It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve blown up on someone else’s back!” Tien ran away, crying, and Yamcha was moved enough to break out some more alcohol.

Chiaotzu couldn’t believe it. He had lost his best friend and so much more. Kiss of Meth seized the opportunity, however, and began relentlessly punching Chiaotzu on the face. His power level of 12 was too much for Chiaotzu – he was sent flailing helplessly around, breaking countless bones and suffering innumerable bruises. He, in fact, lost what few remaining brain cells he had that day.

Before too long, Chiaotzu was left unconscious on the ground. The Tournament Announcer counted up to ten, and it was over. Chiaotzu was incapacitated. Kiss of Meth was victorious.

“Thank God! Something’s finally gone the way it was supposed to today!” the Announcer hollered.

“Whaddafuck,” Yamcha muttered into his bottle. “A little meth’ead fucks a three-eye… whaddafuck.”

Yamcha was startled, he was perplexed. He had shit himself and he didn’t even realize it. Chiaotzu had just lost – which was a crushing blow to the desert bandit’s tournament plans – yet all Yamcha could think about was how Tien and Chiaotzu could mate. Maybe his drunkenness made him think that they had said they did, but he was pretty sure it was right either way. Regardless, as Yamcha stood up and felt the warmness running down his legs (he was induced into a gleeful countenance which could only be comparable to that of a bull in a china shop), he was struck with the thought, the fleeting notion that the clown’s most recent loss had just fucked Yamcha out of Bulma. Now, truly, there was no one left of consequence in the tournament. With Chiaotzu and King Chappa gone, it was no good. Sergeant Pepper and Kiss of Meth were probably stronger than either of them, but they weren’t big names. Bulma wouldn’t know them; she wouldn’t appreciate his victories over them.

This made Yamcha as nervous as a butterfly around Coriolanus’ son. He had to do something drastic. Yamcha produced a bottle of fine liquor from his back pocket and chugged it. Immediately after, he vomited into the stands, causing many patrons and onlookers to flee with unbridled terror. He swore he heard many of them scream out ‘gojira!’, and this made him forget how wretched his retching had been.

Afterwards, even as the Tournament Announcer was congratulating Kiss of Meth for his victory, Yamcha jumped from the stands and landed on the stage in a drunken stupor which damaged the fighting area more than any fight previously. The cameras were glued on the bandit. Every channel, (save home and faggots) was tuned into him. Billions, if not even more billions of people were watching his every move. And it was perfect. Yamcha was just about to make himself the eponymous champion of the story.

“Lissen up e’eryone…” Yamcha spat (and the Tournament Announcer dove to catch his spit as it contained much precious alcohol). “I can take alluvyou on. All three of ya! Man, I love ya guys. I ever tell ya that?!?!”

Kiss of Meth, Laughing Boy, and Sergeant Pepper looked stunned, shocked, as if they had just seen a majestic, drunken bandit of a man say he loved them. Be it erotic or fraternal, they didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t like any one of them was half the man Aufidius was.

“This… this is unprecedented, folks! A shocking turn of events! Yamcha says he can take on all of the other three semi-finalists at once! Great Scott! Beam me up!” The Tournament Announcer roared like a baby lion. The crowd roared back like a two year old lion, causing the Tournament Announcer to purr a bit, himself.

Yamcha smiled and dropped into a fighting stance. He motioned for the other three to jump onto the stage with him. A bit awestruck, the three nonetheless obeyed their master’s wise offer and jumped up. The three of them sidled forward and dropped into defensive stances of their own.

“Are you ready to rumble? Whoo! Let’s do this thing!” The Tournament Announcer threw his arm up into the air, briefly relieving his hand of his mic, before the device came crashing back down upon his head.

Yamcha ignored such a distraction for he was Yamcha and he was awesome. He stepped forwards and then proceeded to throw up on the three individuals across from him. They shrieked and cursed in tongues like some self-possessed Christians.

“Oh my god! This attack… its power,” Kiss of Meth fumed before dropping to a knee.

“Oh the humanity!” Laughing Boy laughed.

“Gruh… sneak attack! Uhhh!!” Sergeant Pepper moaned, as if he was in mid-orgasm. Who could blame him, though?

“It’s just smells, guys,” Yamcha reassured the group, nodding his head and bouncing on his knees. He was drunk, so that was a pretty normal thing for him to do.

Unfortunately for the three fighters, the fumes released by Yamcha’s vomit were in fact alcoholic vapor, filled with enough alcohol to make a grown man weep about past loved ones and memories and his evidently hopeless future. The three were immediately nauseated and started to charge at Yamcha with great speed, their judgment cloudy.

Yamcha’s fighting ability was no doubt impaired by his blood-alcohol concentration. Despite of this, he still remained an expert in one-on-one fighting, so long as the other combatant was substantially weaker than him. Here, however, Yamcha was forced to simultaneously fight three opponents who were substantially weaker than him. Such a challenge was great, and it would become the apex of Yamcha’s fighting career. Yamcha had sunk all the way to the bottom of his life – now, it was time to rise once more to the top.

Yamcha turned to face the three opponents, and a devilish smirk spread across his face. He no doubt had something up his sleeve.

Yamcha produced a surprise flask of aged brandy from his sleeve and downed it like a child would down a flask of brandy. After enjoying the unexpected, if enjoyable drink, Yamcha’s poison-covered lips curled upwards, and he spoke three words that struck fear into the hearts of his opponents:

“Wolfff fayneg frist!” With incredible intensity, Yamcha took to his feet and the silhouette of a wolf appeared behind him. He darted toward Kiss of Meth and landed a smooth uppercut, beheading Kiss of Meth instantly and forcing his spinal cord out of his back. Yamcha then threw up, causing the silhouette of the wolf to do exactly the same. He fell over and the wolf did so too, causing the apparition to break its calf. Unfazed, however, Yamcha unleashed a deadly roundhouse kick worthy of Chuck Norris upon Laughing Boy, causing Laughing Boy to laugh, “Oh shi-” before his torso was separated from his head and legs.

This left Yamcha alone with his fiercest enemy of all – Sergeant Pepper. Sergeant Pepper was tall, red, and quite sergeant-like. He was well known for his rocking good tunes and his relentless beatdowns in battle. After making his way away from Yamcha’s vomit, he looked at Yamcha, and said, “You call that a Wolf Fang Fist?” He paused to add dramatic tension. “That was more of a dog tooth dance, if you ask me.”

Yamcha couldn’t believe his ears, and then he couldn’t believe his eyes as he watched Sergeant Pepper transform before his very eyes. The merciless fighter that had once stood before him was slowly replaced by a small blue floating cat – it was Puar. Yamcha fell to his knees, mostly out of shock and partially out of alcohol poisoning, for he couldn’t believe his eyes.

“This is unprecedented! For the first time in tournament history, Yumcher has murdered two fighters on stage!” the Tournament Announcer announced, who was slow to realize that Sergeant Pepper had been Puar all along.

Puar floated back down the ground, and turned around. “I’ve missed you, Yamcha. You need to stop drinking.”

As soon as he heard this comment, Yamcha’s blood boiled. His face turned red and steam escaped from his ears. He flexed his muscles and lunged at Puar, tackling the cat to the ground and throwing him out of the ring. He had chosen to spare his partner’s life, but if he ever made another comment like that, he wouldn’t be so fortunate.

“Puar, you little shit!” Yamcha breathed into his friend’s fur.

“Y-yamcha stop! You’re hurting me!”

Yamcha growled and brandished his teeth as if he were a mighty wolf. As if. “This ‘as my tourney… I set it up with my best friend! Your’uinin’ everything, Puar! Dontcha know I needed this to get Bulma back!”

“I-I’m sorry, Y-Yamcha! Please, just let me go! P-please! I’m sorry!”

Yamcha’s anger subsided as he heard his old friend plead so humbly. He let go of the animal and fell back on the grass.

“And that’s it, folks! Yumercha has defeated everyone! Wow! And how! I’m stunned seeing it! It’s amazing, spectacular, extraordinary! This quarter-finalist has sure lived up to his name! Bravo!” The Tournament Announcer shrieked. He continued spouting off clichés in the background, though Yamcha paid him little attention.

Yamcha sat in the grass, breathing heavily for a few moments. His eyes were watery as he surveyed his best friend, lying crumpled on the lawn in front of him. “I n-need her, Puar. Y-you… you don’t unnerstand. She’s all that matters to me.”

“You don’t need to drink so much, Yamcha. Bulma wouldn’t want you drunk all the time; I know that. And I can’t stand to see my best friend killing himself, either.”

Yamcha nearly cried then and there. The paparazzi were rushing at him, preparing to swarm him. Billions were watching. And he didn’t care about any of them. “And so you come and ruin my tourney?! What the fuck, Puar?”

Puar bowed his head. “I-I just wanted my friend back. Bulma’s not going to leave Vegeta for you, no matter what you do, Yamcha. And deep down inside, I think you know that. Maybe that’s why you’re drinking so much.”

“Y-you don’t know that!” Yamcha screamed, waving his finger around as if it were something to point with.

“I guess only you know, Yamcha. I’m sorry for butting in,” Puar said, quietly. He rose into the air and began to depart when he said one final thing, “When you’ve cleaned up, please come home. I’ve missed you a lot. You’ll still be my best friend, no matter what happens. But I want the old you back. I want the Yamcha I know to come home. Please think about it.”

Puar gave one final smile to Yamcha before the tourney champ was swarmed by the paparazzi. Champagne was being sprayed everywhere, balloons and confetti were falling on Yamcha’s head and the constant, incessant flashing of a million cameras blinded Yamcha. He tried to find where Puar had gone, but within an instant, his old friend was out of sight.

Yamcha had won the tournament, but he felt like shit. He felt worse than before he had begun his venture to reclaim Bulma. He felt worse than ever. Truly, this had to be the bottom. The Tournament Announcer offered him some champagne, but Yamcha just swatted the alcohol aside. He tore through the press like a rabid dog. He wanted out. This was the most hopeless that Yamcha had ever felt. He finally understood that Puar had been right all along.

He started to wonder about when it had first started to go wrong. Maybe it was when he left Puar to be with Bulma. He left his closest, most loyal friend for a girl he hardly knew, and never even thought about turning around and coming back. He should have known that Puar would never leave him. All this time, he had been struggling to get back with Bulma, when really, he should have just been making his way back to Puar and the others.

Yamcha fell to his knees once he had reached the outskirts of the stadium. The soft grass crumpled beneath his legs, and he dug his fingers into the dirt beneath him. Yamcha’s head heaved forward, and he began to vomit into the grass below him. He resolved, right then, to vomit until every ounce of alcohol had escaped his body, until he felt better again. Then, he could go back and see Puar, say hello to Krillin, beg for Roshi’s forgiveness. He could start preparing for the arrival of the Androids. It wasn’t too late to make a happy ending out of it all.

Even as the paparazzi crowded around him and videotaped his relentless vomiting, Yamcha did not cease to purge the alcohol from his system. He continued, until he inevitably passed out from dehydration and was scooped up by some passing medics. The press had a field day with it – Yamcha had built his reputation up and subsequently massacred it.

Once he reached the hospital, the doctors took his blood alcohol concentration. He blew a .57, which meant that he should have been dead long beforehand. Yamcha, though, was a fighter – he fought and fought until he woke up, in a hung-over daze, the next day. His memories were faint – all he remembered was a tournament, and that the Tournament Announcer had somehow played a role. Luckily for him, he didn’t remember how he had brutally murdered four participants or ruined the life of a young secretary. He could forget.

Yamcha craned over, and saw that his old friend, the Tournament Announcer, was sleeping in the gurney next to his. Like Yamcha, he had passed out and was being treated for severe alcohol poisoning. To Yamcha, this man was ostensibly a ghost; he no longer meant anything to Yamcha. He would see him at the next tournament, he supposed, and that was all the Tournament Announcer was to him now.

Yamcha stood up. He decided that he was strong enough, now to deal with, the pain emanating from his alcohol withdrawal. He stood up and walked out of the room. He signed himself out and walked out of the building. He was a free man now, and he had to decide what he was going to do with that freedom.

He began to walk down the street, and realized that he needed to find his car. He recalled where he had last had it. He had driven it to the construction site of the last tournament, before he walked into a bar and began the whole shenanigans.

Soon he came upon that place, and he found it to be much like he had last seen it. Workers were still milling about the construction zone, and the building itself seemed to have had little progress. Yamcha smirked and walked over to where he had parked his car, only to find a ticket stuck to his windshield. He supposed it was for parking next to a fire hydrant, but Yamcha didn’t care either way. He crumpled up the ticket and stuffed it into his pocket. Then, he opened his car door and jumped inside. Once he sat down at the wheel, Yamcha noticed his cell phone lying on the dashboard. He hastily snatched it up and turned it on.

Scrolling through the contacts, Yamcha came to Bulma. He briefly toyed with closing his phone right there, forgetting Bulma, and riding off into the sunset without a care. But Yamcha was human.

He dialed Bulma’s number and pressed the small device to his left ear.

“Hello?” a female voice said, picking up the phone.

“Hey, Bulma, it’s me,” Yamcha said in a low, tired voice.

“Who?” Bulma asked, befuddled. The unsure tone in her voice was sincere; and that drove a stake through Yamcha’s heart.

“Yamcha,” he replied, sullenly.

“Oh, hey Yamcha! What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” he began. “How’s it going with you and Vegeta?”

“All right, I suppose. But you know Vegeta… he’s never been the romantic type. I guess I can live with that, though.”

“Heh, yeah, yeah,” Yamcha said, laughing a fake, hollow laugh. “Hey Bulma, I havta ask… did you see me on TV yesterday?”

“Doing what?”

“Uh, my tournament. It was broadcast on every channel, and–”

“A tournament? No, that doesn’t sound familiar,” Bulma said. “Oh, I know why! I was out shopping yesterday!”

“Shopping?” Yamcha repeated, partially shocked. “All day?”

“Yeah, I was getting some things for the, uh, well… how should I put this?” Bulma stammered out. “Well, can you keep a secret, Yamcha? For me?”

“Of course,” Yamcha shot back, eagerly.

“Vegeta and I are having a baby. I had to go buy him a crib and some clothes and food, y’know, to get ready for him and…” Bulma said, trailing off. But Yamcha didn’t listen. He had heard enough.

“B-baby?”

“Yeah, isn’t it great?! We’re going to start a family!” Bulma said, cheerfully and obliviously.

“Th-that’s great. I’m h-happy for you, Bulma. Let me know when the baby shower is, and I’ll come visit.”

“Aw, Yamcha, you don’t have to get us anything,” Bulma said as courteously as she could. “But yeah, we’ll have you and the others over some time. It’s been a while.”

Yamcha nodded. Of course, since this was a phone conversation, Bulma didn’t notice.

“Anyway, how are things going with you?” Bulma asked.

“I’m… I’m okay,” Yamcha muttered. There was a brief, awkward pause, which Yamcha decided to vanquish with another hollow laugh. “Hey, don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure, Yamcha? You sound… different.”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Anyway, I have to go now. Puar’s calling me.”

With that, Yamcha hung up. He didn’t even wait for Bulma’s reply. He sank back into the seat of his car, burying his face in his hands. And at that moment, Yamcha could no longer hold it inside him. He bawled uncontrollably for several minutes. Bulma had been the girl for him. She had been the one. There was no one else. She wasn’t just some butterfly girl. She was his soul mate. And she was having a baby with someone else. It didn’t even matter that it was with Vegeta. That it was with anyone else broke Yamcha’s heart. He’d seen so many movies, so many televisions shows where the good guy got his girl at the end. It was how it was supposed to be. And yet, Bulma hadn’t even watched his tournament. She hadn’t even been aware of Yamcha’s efforts to win her back. He was that insignificant in her life. And she was everything in his. He couldn’t even hate her for it, because he loved her so much.

After some time, Yamcha wiped away his tears and looked up. He started his hovercar and started driving off. There was one person in the world who was not so cruel, not so heartless. And that was his best friend. If Yamcha couldn’t get Bulma back, he would return to Puar. This time, it would be he who would beg for forgiveness.

He briefly thought of inviting the Tournament Announcer to come live with him, but he remembered of all the ad revenue the Announcer had gotten from broadcasting the tournament on every channel (and which he hadn’t offered to split with Yamcha, either, though the bandit didn’t care much). The man had probably been able to buy an entire island mansion with that money. Yamcha also expected that a good deal of that money was going to bribe a certain judge to look the other way on a certain matter. As soon as Yamcha thought about it, he realized that he did not want to relive the past. He couldn’t have the Announcer in his life anymore.

That left him with only Puar. Puar had stayed with him through his bouts of alcoholism, even going to the trouble of entering in Yamcha’s own tournament to try and dissuade him from continuing his habits. His friend had loved him in spite of what he had done, not because. And such a thought brought tears to Yamcha’s eyes once again. For a moment (and it was just a moment), Yamcha felt the emptiness that had come from his constant alcohol use and Bulma’s abandoning of him be fully replaced by the love he and Puar shared in their friendship. And it was the greatest moment of Yamcha’s life.

Yamcha tasted his tears. They tasted like tears this time.

Endnotes:

  1. This was by far the longest chapter of the story. I believe there were nine sections - five written by me and four written by Destructivedisk.
  2. This is the only chapter that I wrote the opening for that I did not pick the opening song lyrics for.
  3. The Saibamen were plant-like beings, which is why Yamcha hates the Home and Garden Network.
  4. The opening of this chapter was necessary to set up several plot points later in the chapter. The fact that Yamcha had managed to get his tournament broadcast on all but one network is extraordinary, and the ad revenue making him so rich is important as well. The money is of course needed to pay off the Judge from the previous chapters.
  5. Rock Rivers (Rocky Rivers in the anime) is a rival baseball character of Yamcha's in Dragon Ball Z.
  6. Yamcha spitting into the wind sums up his character arc in STTB to me.
  7. The thing about King Chappa being a king somewhere is something that has always bothered me. There are numerous kings in Dragon Ball (Chappa being but a minor one), which doesn't make any sense. The entire world is supposed to be ruled by King Furry. I think it's a classic Toriyama plothole.
  8. I really loved the Jerry Seinfeld cameo in this chapter. When he worked on Seinfeld, he would indeed warm up the crowd before they started filming each episode. Having a similar situation here, with an impatient crowd awaiting the start of the tournament, it was natural to have a comedian entertain them.
  9. Destructivedisk's first section was very mean towards Chiaotzu - far more than I expected. I loved that part of it. In a way, Sink to the Bottom is a rant about Chiaotzu and his role in the Dragon Ball universe.
  10. I was surprised by how much Destructivedisk wrote in his first section. After I read it, I realized how much more we had to get through and that that meant this chapter would be mondo long.
  11. I never expected Destructivedisk to kill so many contestants, though I guess it does make sense. I rolled with this notion in later sections.
  12. Yamcha suddenly forgetting about things happens a lot in this story. He forgets about Beric, yes, but he also forgot about the light hurting him and the firetrucks in earlier chapters.
  13. I had particular fun writing how each of the other round of sixteen matches went. Obviously, aside from Chiaotzu's and Yamcha's, these matches didn't matter too much, so a few words was all that we spent on them. I tried hard to come up with unique and different descriptors for each fight, though, to keep it interesting.
  14. As far as choosing who won each of the round of sixteen fights (and who Chiaotzu and Yamcha faced), we mainly wanted to get rid of the weaker stage names first. I also wanted to keep a few canon characters around until at least the quarter finals.
  15. Gregor is a canon character, so in KidVegeta's universe, he actually has two assholes now.
  16. The guy in 1 Guy 1 Horse died later from internal bleeding. I'm assuming Man-Wolf died from internal bleeding soon after Kiss of Meth put his little kiss inside the poor half-animal martial artist.
  17. Laughing Boy doing to Giran what the springtime does to the cherry trees is a direct reference to Pablo Neruda, who wrote that highly suggestive line in one of his poems. It's basically saying that he fucked Giran, which I thought was very funny.
  18. Chiaotzu looks weird. That's why I called him a cocaine child.
  19. Howard Lederer is a poker player. Just before I wrote my second section, I had watched a Poker After Dark episode where Howard and his sister were playing at the same table. During the episode, Howard said that he would cheer for his sister during all hands she was taking part in (and he wasn't). Of course, being the classy woman she was, his sister said she would never cheer for Howard while they were at the same table.
  20. I chose Bacterian as Chiaotzu's opponent because he's a canon character. He has certain gags that come with him, and the readers would know who he was. So it would make it easy for them to understand what was going on.
  21. Overall, I'd say my second section of chapter 5 is my favorite section I wrote for Sink to the Bottom.
  22. Everyone carries pocket gas masks on them, apparently. I found that funny and creepy at the same time. I mean, they did have them when Bacterian fought in Dragon Ball, so it's a canon fact.
  23. Bacterian, of course, thinks that his constant stink is a sneak attack move that no one will see coming. He's a smart one imo.
  24. Chiaotzu's dialogue with Bacterian and Tien in this section is so randomly funny to me. It's the best thing ever. When he reveals he can't smell anything, it makes sense. Yes, his mother drank brandy while she was pregnant, so that explains it, but you would expect it in general just from how Chiaotzu looks.
  25. Chiaoztu would only pretend to smell Tien's cooking. This is super funny in and of itself (as Chiaotzu said they were just pretending and playing make-believe (which is fucking weird to do with smelling)), but the dialogue also reinforces the idea that Chiaotzu and Tien are an old married couple who are sexually bonded.
  26. Chiaotzu is overly dramatic in his fight. He is prepared to kill himself to take out Bacterian, whom he hasn't even fought yet. I love the idea that Chiaotzu's default attack is his suicide one. It's fitting for his character.
  27. "Chiaotzu screamed, starting to glow like a Christmas tree, only without the Christmas or the tree." is a reference to this classic Dr. Brule clip.
  28. Tien wants Chiaotzu to blow himself up in the final. Perhaps Chiaotzu and him were plotting to kill Yamcha for all his drunken antics...
  29. I would pay money to see Yamcha scampering in the grass like a prairie dog with a banana peel on his nose. Of note, I thought it was particularly clever that I used the banana peel this way, for I felt like the inclusion of him eating bananas up to this point was rather irrelevant to what was going on.
  30. Tien is really acting like an old woman in this chapter. He's so literal and angry and fearful. When he says "so" after Chiaotzu says "If you say so!", I think Tien genuinely thought that he was supposed to say "so" there.
  31. That Bacterian's aroma kills people makes me wonder how he manages his life. He couldn't let anyone near him, and how would he go to the store?
  32. I don't know where the part about the people playing with the dead people's hair came from. That's a bit sadistic, in truth.
  33. Chowzulu is how the Tournament Announcer thinks "Chiaotzu" is pronounced.
  34. Chiaotzu doesn't win anything. So him beating Bacterian was a big deal. Evidently, his reputation for being a worthless fighter was well-known in the Dragon World, since the Tournament Announcer was awestruck by the little clown's victory. He even got mad at Bacterian because of it.
  35. Yamcha always assumed that since he was broadcasting the tournament on every channel, Bulma would be watching it. He never invited her to be a live spectator.
  36. Yamcha is a weird motherfucker. Why he assumed Bulma's vagina would moisten during Chiaotzu's fight is beyond me.
  37. With the way Destructivedisk and I split up our sections, I wasn't able to actually write for Yamcha during his fights until the end. Destructivedisk got to write all of his pre-final fights. Great stuff.
  38. Beaver Cleavage was one of Destructivedisk's favorite tournament fighter's names. I believe that's why he had him fight Yamcha in the quarter finals.
  39. I remember being very impressed at the length of Destructivedisk's second section in this chapter. He really stepped up and wrote long, detailed sections in this one.
  40. One joke Destructivedisk and I came up with before we wrote this chapter was that Chiaotzu would lose before the finals. Yamcha's plan was to fight the clown in the finals to impress Bulma. But it would all fall apart because Chiaotzu is useless. He can't even beat random enemies.
  41. We picked Kiss of Meth to defeat Chiaotzu so he could do his patented Kiss of Meth on the clown. It also allowed for Destructivedisk to delve more into Chiaotzu's backstory with him being a meth addict.
  42. Destructivedisk specifically stated that Tien and Chiaotzu have sex in his second section. I didn't think he would actually do that.
  43. "“Whaddafuck,” Yamcha muttered into his bottle. “A little meth’ead fucks a three-eye… whaddafuck.”" is my favorite Yamcha line in the story. I specifically wrote it because I was surprised that Destructivedisk actually said that Tien and Chiaotzu have sex.
  44. Yamcha being unable to get the mental picture of Tien and Chiaotzu fucking out of his head was something I also had trouble with.
  45. The reference to Coriolanus' son and the butterflies was made simply because I had recently read that Shakespearian play when we wrote this chapter.
  46. Gojira is the Japanese word for Godzilla. When Yamcha threw up all over the stands and the people ran screaming "Gojira!", this was a stereotypical Asian joke.
  47. The Tournament Announcer is clearly an alcoholic if he would dive to catch Yamcha's alcoholic spit. That's just gross.
  48. I differentiated between the different types of love (fraternal, erotic, etc), because those were things I learning about in my Shakespeare class at the time.
  49. Aufidius is the main villain in the play Coriolanus.
  50. "Great Scott! Beam me up!" is the Tournament Announcer referencing Star Trek. Of course, he's taking a common phrase (great scott) and interpreting it as referring to Montgomery Scott.
  51. Yamcha only challenged all three of the other semi-finalists at once because Chiaotzu lost his quarter final match. He was desperate to do something cool, and defeating any of the remaining three fighters in a duel wouldn't impress Bulma enough for her to forsake Vegeta for Yamcha. So he needed to do something big, and that meant fighting the remaining contestants at once. I needed them to all be fanon characters, however, since they were all going to die.
  52. I figured Drunk Yamcha would have a different special attack than Sober Yamcha. The logical attack therefore would be him throwing up on his opponents.
  53. "Oh the humanity" is a reference to Newman from Seinfeld, who shrieked that phrase when his postal truck caught on fire. Of course, even Newman was referencing Herbert Morrison, who was commentating the Hindenburg crash.
  54. "“It’s just smells, guys,”" is a reference to a porn video where a guy was having anal sex with a girl. He then pulled out and his dick was covered in shit. He wanted her to suck him off, but she saw the shit. She didn't want to, so he told her 'it's just smells'. This impressive argument soon convinced her, and she eventually did such him off.
  55. I had no knowledge of Sergeant Pepper being Puar before I read Destructivedisk's third section. I was somewhat shocked by the twist.
  56. I felt like that when Puar was introduced, most of the comedy evaporated. It was just how the story had to go at that point. My dialogue with Puar and Yamcha was very serious and it felt weird to write, considering all the comedy we had been writing for this story up to this point.
  57. I think Yamcha hurting Puar is really cruel and sad. It doesn't portray Yamcha as a good person at all. That's the alcohol's doing, in part.
  58. Puar is the rational figure in this story. It makes sense that he only surfaces right at the end. He tells Yamcha that Yamcha will never win back Bulma. Yamcha can't believe it. He won't believe it. But I think, deep down inside, he knows it's true all the same. Puar is his true friend. Yamcha is trying to chase Bulma, who doesn't care about him in a romantic way (which is the only way that Yamcha cares about her). So he is ignoring his true friends and pursuing unattainable goals. It's at this point that he truly sinks to the bottom, when he rejects Puar. Even though Puar leaves, he doesn't reject Yamcha back. He says that Yamcha is welcome back as soon as he stops drinking. That's a great moment for Puar's character. I think it's better than anything Puar has done in his canon appearances, to be perfectly honest.
  59. The stark divide between Yamcha's feelings and the celebrating people around him allows Yamcha to understand what is going on in his life more clearly. Truly, the tournament was meaningless. His friendship with Puar was not. So only moments after rejecting Puar, he realizes that Puar was right. It's just another layer to Yamcha's tragic figure that he only realizes this after Puar leaves. He could have had a really nice reunion with his best friend in this chapter, but he doesn't.
  60. Destructivedisk's last section was really good. The plot direction he went in was natural and logical and allowed for me to easily write the last part. At this point in the story, we didn't know when the chapter was going to end. We were just writing until we came to the conclusion. I thought, at first, that Destructivedisk's fourth section would end the story, as the person who started each chapter never ended it. However, when he finished it, it was clear that the story was not quite done yet.
  61. I really liked how when Yamcha wakes up in Destructivedisk's final section, he feels nothing for the Announcer anymore. The story up to that point was like a bad dream, and Yamcha was just waking from it in that section. He is reborn in a way.
  62. When I started my fifth section, I was relatively confident that it would be the last section. After reading the fourth section, I knew where I wanted to take the story, and I felt like I could wrap it up in a single part. As it turned out, my last section ended up being nearly 1000 words, but that section would not have worked had we split it up into two parts, with each of us writing half of it.
  63. The tone in my final section is very muted. It's a contrast to the earlier bits of the chapter which were energetic as hell. I'm not sure if we could have split this chapter in two. Perhaps before the last two sections, but there weren't six stages of grief in the model Destructivedisk named the chapters after. So it was all kept as one chapter.
  64. Even though Yamcha is, by this point, somewhat resigned to the facts Puar stated to him earlier, he's not perfect. He can't let his emotions and curiosity die. So he has to call Bulma.
  65. Yamcha says "It's me" because he assumes Bulma knows him that intimately. It's highly arrogant of him to assume he's a "me" kind of guy. When she doesn't recognize him, he starts to realize she doesn't love him or even think about him very much.
  66. Bulma didn't even see Yamcha's tournament. This is a blow to him. He put all that effort into his tournament and she didn't even see him in all his glory.
  67. Bulma didn't see the tournament because she was shopping for stuff for her new baby. Since the baby is Vegeta's, this is the ultimate slap in the face to Yamcha. He sees that he has no hope with her anymore now that she is pregnant. It's over. If only he had been a little faster, he could have made his move before she became pregnant. But he wasn't able to. I think that weighs heavily on Yamcha.
  68. After Yamcha learns about the baby, he has to feign joy for Bulma, but he can hardly muster up the fake emotions. As soon as he hangs up, he is crying in despair. I think, even though he's sad, this is the point where he reaches acceptance. He no longer tries to court Bulma at that point.
  69. Yamcha has to lie that Puar is calling him to get off the phone. He also has to lie to Bulma that he's doing well, when, in reality, he's never been at a lower point in his life. He's living a lie though to protect Bulma so that she would not worry about him. And I think that is noble of him. She has a baby to worry about after all.
  70. The stuff about there being no one else and Bulma being no butterfly girl is a reference to the Weezer song Tragic Girl.
  71. It's important that Yamcha thinks back to romantic movies and whatnot because it shows how unattainable clichés can ruin a person. The media and society push these clichés down our throats, and in the end, they are not realistic. Yamcha learns this the hard way in Sink to the Bottom.
  72. When Yamcha reaches his acceptance with Bulma's situation, her hold over him lessens. He can't hate her because he loves her so much, but he also can't pursue her anymore. And this opens Yamcha's eyes back up to Puar, his best friend. He needs emotional attachment at this point, when he's so dejected and emotionally vulnerable, so he needs a friend. That's why he goes back to Puar.
  73. The Tournament Announcer didn't share any of the ad revenue money with Yamcha. That's mainly because Yamcha ended their friendship in the hospital. Of course, the ad revenue also allowed me to wrap up the Tournament Announcer's subplot with the Judge rather nicely. I had thought up this conclusion to the Announcer's subplot before we finished writing chapter 3.
  74. That Yamcha's greatest moment is him thinking back on the friendship he has with Puar speaks volumes about his character. Yes, he's a sad, sappy sucker, but he has a good heart, and it finally shines through right at the end, with the alcohol and Bulma's situation removed from the picture.
  75. Yamcha's redemption isn't explicitly shown in this story. His fall is shown in great detail. Only in the last few paragraphs is his redemption hinted at whatsoever. I don't think we needed to show it because his inner monologuing showed what he planned on doing. Additionally, this story is given a place in the timeline (just before Trunks is born) because of Bulma's admission of being pregnant. And we all know how Yamcha was during the Android Arcs. He wasn't an alcoholic and he wasn't miserable and depressed and filled with grief. So the redemption implied in this story is actually witnessed in canon. That's one of the cooler aspect of this story, in my opinion.
  76. I specifically checked the Dragon Ball timeline to make sure that everything in this story would fit into canon. I wanted this story to be canon, unlike my previous joke collaborations with Destructivedisk. So I looked up when Trunks was born and when the last World Tournament was held and I found that it all fit, which was a relief. The first tournament held after the one with Goku and Piccolo (which destroyed the tournament grounds) was in the 767 Age, one year after Trunks' birth. So this story definitely fits, if tightly, into the timeline. I'm proud that we were able to make that happen.
  77. Destructivedisk wrote the last two lines. They hearken back to the earlier repeated motif of Yamcha being so drunk and emotionally unstable that even his tears tasted of alcohol. Here, at the end, in his rebirth and his acceptance, his tears no longer taste like alcohol, proving his character growth. I think Destructivedisk did a really good job with the final line.


Endnotes[edit | edit source]

Sink to the Bottom is a story I enjoyed writing and reading. One aspect I love about STTB is that it defies genres. It's not a comedy. It's not a drama. It's not solely an adventure. It has aspects of multiple genres which come together and form Sink to the Bottom into a cohesive human tale. There is never only a single emotion or theme in life. In Sink to the Bottom, Destructivedisk and I played with angst and comedy and adventure and mental growth to give Yamcha a defining arc. He grows throughout the story, though in a way that I think keeps his personality in-line with canon. The scenes varied and were fun to write - the tournament, the courthouse, the bar, the burning of the secretary's house - it was all so unique and varied. Writing for the secondary characters, such as Chiaotzu and the Tournament Announcer was fun too. The Tournament Announcer is one of my favorite characters, and portraying his drunk personality was a pleasure to do. Chiaotzu's scenes in the final chapter will rank amongst my favorite scenes I have ever written. When this story is funny, it is extremely funny. When it's sad, it gets very tragic. Ultimately, Sink to the Bottom is about Yamcha and his decent into angst because of Bulma dumping him. But the varied emotions and themes of the story make it akin to an overall human experience. The name of each chapter shows an overarching theme for that chapter that I think we were able to write into the story fluidly and naturally in a way I could only liken to how the show Wilfred does so. I felt like Destructivedisk and I collaborated very well with this story. Our plot was connected, our scenes felt natural with one another. At points (as I was doing this commentary) I had trouble differentiating between my sections and Destructivedisk's. I think that's the sign of a unified, consistent story. I firmly believe that Sink to the Bottom is one of my best stories (and one of Destructivedisk's too!). I'd give Sink to the Bottom an S.


<---- Part 29.11

Part 31 ---->


The KidVegeta Anthology
1: Were It So Easy2: Ground Up3: So Lonely At The Top4: Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem5: Sixth6: Slaved7: Womanhood8: A Mother's Love9: Derelict10: Dragonball KC11: The Redacted Scenes12: Dragon Ball Z: Cold Vengeance (Original draftFinal draft)13: Spindlerun: The Tale of Yajirobe14: The Anonymous Series15: Speedball16: Second-best17: Strength18: Separator19: Skulk20: Soup21: Scelerat22: Serial23: Slick24: Sovereign25: Dragonball lies in the old hat26: Ode to Dodoria27: Bitterly Bothered Brother28: KidVegeta's Theogony: From Silence to the Greater Kais‎‎29: Dragon Ball Z: The Forgotten (29.1 Prince Vegeta Saga29.2 Outbreak: Paved In Blood29.3 Lauto Saga29.4 Stomping Grounds Saga29.5 Planet Earth Saga29.6 Reunion Saga29.7 Forever Alone29.8 Fulfillment Saga29.9 Characters29.10 Who Are The Forgotten?29.11 Miscellaneous Information)30: Sink to the Bottom31: Bluestreaker32: Lionheart33: From Magic to Monsters34: Tyrant35: Be a Man36: Brave37: Yellow38: Sleep39: Prideful Demons Black40: The Watcher41: The Perfect Lifeform42: Ain't No Hero43: Dragon Ball: The Great War44: Glory45: Monster46: Burning Man47: Bonetown Blues48: Ergo Sum49: Suicide Missionary50: We'll Never Feel Bad Anymore51: Before Creation Comes Destruction52: Midnight City53: A Soundless Dark54: Scourge55: The Ballad of Dango56: Zarbon and Dodoria: A Love Story57: Thank the Eastern Supreme Kai for Girls58: A Shadow on the Wind59: I'm a Candy Man60: Down the Well-Worn Road61: Cool Cat62: Starfall63: Crushing Blue64: Black Dawn65: The Great Sushi-Eating Contest66: The Adventures of Beerus and Whis...IN SPACE!‎‎67: The Guacamole Boys Hit the Town‎‎68: Fin69: Nowhere to Go70: Not So Far71: Ice Age Coming72: Small73: Shame74: Untouchable75: A Demon Tale: Running Gags and Memes: The Movie76: Superior77: He's a Baaad Man78: Sandboys79: This is a contest story 80: A Space Christmas Story81: The One Where Bulma Goes Looking For Goku's Dragon Balls82: The Ginyu Force Chronicles83: Country Matters84: Chasing Oblivion85: Bardock's Some Hot Space Garbage and You're a Cuck86: The Story Without Any Cursing Except For This One Fuck And It's In The Title or (Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll Except Without Any Of The Sex)87: A Flap of the Wings88: Broccoli Tail89: Black as Blood90: Bi Arm or the One Where Baby is Actually A Rich Man or the Last One Of All the BYARMS91: One Chop Man92: Girl93: Twelve Majestic Lies94: Spaceball95: The Monster and the Maiden96: Mountain Bird97: A Quest for Booty98: Yaki the Yardrat's lecherous crime cartel, can Jaco and Strabbary stop it?99: Across the Universe100: His Majesty's Pet101: Destroyer of Universes102: The One with Several No Good Rotten Space Vermin103: The Scouring of Paradise104: To Kill a God-Emperor105: Extragalactic Containment Protocol106: Appetent Justice107: The Naptime Championships108: Really Big Scary Monsters109: Old Nishi110: He Needs Some Space Milk111: Filthy Monkeys112: The Mortal Flaw113: Leap114: Dyspo Sucks115: The Royal Exception116: Mushin117: Doctor Piggyboy118: The Space Taco Bandit119: The Big Book of Very Important Things (119.1: Why the supreme kai thinks there are only 28 planets in the universe by kidvegeta, esquire119.2: The raisin why supreme kai thinks theres only 28 planets119.3: Supreme kai why do you think there are only 28 planets pls respond119.4: Vegeta: The Tale of Chiaotzu119:5. Sweet Nothings About Cuber by KidVegeta and Destructivedisk119.6: ☉‿⊙119.7: The Part Where He Actually Blows Himself119.8: The truefacts tht hhyperzerling ssahhy119.9: Dragon Ball Supper119.10: A list of people yamcha's been intimate with)120: Memories of a Bloodless Thrall121: Lights of Zalama122: The Deathless Scraps123: Time-Eater124: Dragon Ball: The Mrovian Series: Hidden Memories of Chaiva125: Nineteen Assassins126: Welcome to Rapture127: Bean Daddy128: Zeta Male129: One Word From The Crane130: The Big Ugly131: The Legend of Upa132: Trickster is Meaningless133: Three Foolish Monkeys134: Killing General Copper135: One of Them136: The Swindler137: Softpetal138: How To Act Like a Professional Mercenary139: Insatiable140: The History of the Decline and Fall of the Planet Trade Organization141: Dragon Ball: Heart of the Dragon142: The Last Saiyan (141.1 Skyscrapers/Cloudchasers142.2 Roshi142.3 Edge Of The World142.4 Hail to the Thief142.5 Long Road Home)143: Community Roleplays (143.1 Dragon Ball: Future Imperfect (2nd Saga)143.2 No Way Out143.3 Vacation143.4 Cool Runnings143.5 What Role Will You Play?)144: Deleted Stories (144.1 Dragon Ball: Short Story Project)145: Final Thoughts
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