I remember remarkably little of writing this story, and even less of how I came up with the plot. I don't remember where the idea for this story came from, but it was always the #2 story in the collection, as far as I can remember. While I struggled with coming up with a final list (mostly being not sure what stories 4-6 should be), this story was basically confirmed to be part of The Heels of the Unknown on August 15, 2015.
When I was writing out the first few stories of this collection, I didn't really realize that one of the overarching themes of the one-shots was this idea that I was tying various aspects of my universe together. All of the other seven one-shots do just that (A Shadow on the Wind serving as the epilogue to Dragon Ball Z: In Requiem, Down the Well-Worn Road serving as the epilogue to Spindlerun: The Tale of Yajirobe, etc). Starfall and Black Dawn are more generally expansive instead of being specifically expansive like the other five, but still.
I'm a Candy Man is really the only self-contained story in this collection. The only thing that I think ties it to my other stories and my universe is the fact that Kuriza is shown to be inept and not much of a warrior/fighter/leader like his father. His personality being like that has major implications in The History of the Decline and Fall of the Planet Trade Organization. But this is also seen in Monster and the PTO books.
So anyways, in terms of what this story is about, I improvised almost all of it. As seen on the anthology page for A Shadow on the Wind, my description for this story, written on August 15, 2016 reads, "2. Cui - Cui gets into an argument with Guldo about some candybars that leads to a dance-off and other crazy shenanigans between the two and other Ginyu Force members and members of Frieza's empire." That description is mostly accurate, though Cui never actually gets in an argument with Guldo that starts the dance off now, and there are no other crazy shenanigans outside of the dance off, for the other characters (of course Cui has a strange journey through Peenjus' room too).
I do remember that when I went to write this story, I wanted to be a lot more subtle with the harmony theme than I was in A Shadow on the Wind. Other than that, to bring out the theme of spring, of rebirth and lightheartedness, the remainder of the plot was rather silly. This is a comedy story, but it's also the most tame and lighthearted one. All of the other three feature dark sections (stories #4 and #6 feature a lot of death and despair, despite being comedies). There's a certain charm to this one simply in its energy.
It's not all happy-go-lucky and innocent, though, since many of the jokes are sexual, with lots of homosexual overtones. That's mainly because the Ginyu Force acts gay as fuck, and Zarbon is of course is easy pickings to that end. All of this stuff, plus Cui getting with Zarbon, was about as far as I could stretch things before going into non-canon territory. But this story is a good example of outlandish comedic stuff that is considered canon to my universe; it's like the stories from Baby You're a Rich Man to an extent, though a good deal tamer and less ridiculous. This was my attempt to write a more serious comedic story, as oxymoronic as that sounds. I wanted a nice comedic story that would be canon to my universe.
I got drunk before writing this story. I wrote the whole thing in one go on April 13, 2016. That means I started this story about three and a half days after completing and posting A Shadow on the Wind to this site. The fact that I got drunk to write it and the fact that it's a comedic story allowed me to write it rather quickly. As such, my memory of what this story is actually about is mostly a blur. I wrote much of the first scene from 4:08 pm to 4:56 pm before taking a break. I resumed writing from 7:18 pm to 8:37 pm. I finished the first draft at that time. I then edited from 9:29 pm to 10:19 pm. I posted it four minutes later on the wiki, and that was that.
Because I was drunk while writing this story, I have few memories of writing it. I remember specifically that I didn't want to get too jokey for fear of this story turning out hacky. So I tried to incorporate jokes in subtle or clever ways, and I'm not sure how that turned out since I remember very little of this story. It'll be interesting to see how the thematic stuff turned out, particularly the stuff on harmony and other themes related to A Shadow on the Wind.
The original theme song for this story was going to be Rocket Man by Elton John. Once I started writing it, I knew that that song wasn't all that relevant to this story, so I switched it. Its current theme, La Bamba by Playing for Change, is a song I was introduced to by my music teacher from spring 2016. I really liked the song, and its playful, carefree tonality and lyrics greatly aid this story, as well as its danceability.
Anyways, that's all I can think to say for this story, so onto the endnotes! I remember so little of this one, that it'll almost be like reading a new story.
|I'm a Candy Man|
The four chins of Guldo were rendered exquisitely in chocolate. He looked mighty tasty to Cui; his butterball figure and endless rolls of fat were what Cui needed in his stomach more than anything right now.
“First one to show me some killer moves wins the prize,” Captain Ginyu declared. “I want to be knocked off my feet, boys! Don’t hold back!”
Cui was not one to hold back. When he had been just a boy, he had once worn his mother’s lingerie to impress his father. Likewise, he would not hold back now. The first thing Cui did to prepare for his inevitable victory was show off his dancing skills in front of Frieza’s entire army. That had been a bad mistake. When he had begun to jerk back and forth, they had begun to laugh. When he had done his swag fish-out-of-water moves, they had started to cry with hysterics. And when Cui had tried a last ditch effort – humping the sky – it looked as if the audience was about to explode with amusement. That was no good, and it hurt him deep, just like the day he showed his father how he could dress up like mother. Cui would never live down that day, but that was okay since he was going to die soon anyways. Namek was a mere fortnight away.
So instead of spending the remainder of his life trying to do something, Cui instead resolved to learn how to dance. That would allow him to seduce female aliens to copulate with, invariably, but more pressingly, it would get him the chocolate he desired. He had not much time, for everyone else on Frieza’s ship, especially the other members of the Ginyu Force, wanted to win that Guldo statue too. Guldo was his biggest competition, he knew, for that little fat toad loved himself. Cui was sure Guldo liked to stare at himself in the mirror all day long as he stuffed his face with chili burgers. That would get Guldo heavily aroused and sometimes make him forget to breathe. Cui had walked in on Guldo doing this one time, and it had been a horrible sight. Naked Guldo looked like one of those lumpy bean bag chairs that had been in the Ginyu Force’s room since before Cui had been born.
Nonetheless, Cui wanted that chocolate. He wanted it so bad, he could taste the bile in the back of his throat, which was weird since he wasn’t a drunk. There was only one way for Cui to win Cap’n Ginyu over, and it wasn’t with money. He already tried that, but the captain had looked at him like some two-bit space hooker. That insult to Cui’s pride was most devastating. He knew he was at least a four-bit space hooker.
To win himself a good bit of space chocolate, Cui decided to embark upon a most noble and dangerous journey: he was going to venture into the lair of the dreaded Peenjus. Peenjus was a horrible six-inch tall Space Tarsier, the bane of many a biological anthropologist in his day. But he was the best dance instructor on Frieza’s ship too.
Peenjus lived in a mountain lair far in the clouds, which was difficult to get to from Frieza’s ship. When Cui entered the Space Tarsier’s room, all he saw was a rainforest in front of him and endless clouds in the distance. How such a forest had managed to grow inside a ship, much less a small room, Cui could not know. He wondered if Frieza had any idea what was going on in here. Past the door, in a little side nook, Cui saw some Space-badgers huddled around a purple-glowing grow tent with a little sign outside that said “420 days without an accident”. The smell emanating from that grow tent made Cui salivate and think of California. He knew he would have to stop back there on his way out for a nice treat. Cui liked to treat himself. Whether it was a salty snack or a sweet drink or an erotic oil massage, he was always giving himself treats. He didn’t like to go more than a few minutes without a treat, for he was great and he always needed to reward himself for that.
“This is the start of my long journey,” Cui declared. “I’m going to become a real dancer once this is over!”
Triumphantly, the alien marched off into the rainforest. It was a hot place, and sticky too, and as soon as he entered the tree line, he stepped in a puddle of something that reminded him of the summer of 2011. At once, a howl akin to that of a dingo eating a baby, arose from beneath Cui’s weirdly-colored boots (which didn’t match the rest of his outfit at all). Cui jumped back.
“How dare you step on Master Peenjus!” came a squeak.
And then, like a flash of lightning, a little brown turd shot up from the ground and landed on Cui’s hand. He screamed when he saw it. It was an ugly son of a space female dog, with wide eyes, long fingers and toes, fur covering its body, and a mouth full of banana razors. Before Cui could say a word, Master Peenjus latched onto his index finger and bit down hard.
“Oahahahaoahwaahaha! screamed Cui. “Get off!” He shook his hand, but the dreaded Space Tarsier hung on, like a barbed-wire condom.
The Space Tarsier didn’t listen. He had huge ears, like a Lombax’s, but for some reason, he didn’t want to use them. Cui contemplated blasting his foe away, or taking a bite out of those ears. They sure looked juicy. But he had to stop himself. If he killed the great Master Peenjus, he’d never get that chocolate Guldo, and right now, that mattered more than losing a finger.
“Please, Master Peenjus, I have come for a dancing lesson! I’m not here for any trouble!”
The Space Tarsier looked up at him. Each one of his eyes was much bigger than his brain, which explained a lot. They narrowed and got all beady and Cui was horrified that he was going to lose his finger. Then, the Space Tarsier snapped his jaws shut and jumped back.
Once again, Cui screamed like a female of pre-pubescent age. His glove was staining red where Peenjus had torn a chunk out of his index finger near the first knuckle – yet, his finger remained at least.
“You wanna learn how to dance?” spoke a voice that sounded like a Space Chipmunk on Space LSD. “Why?”
“I’m going to win the Ginyu Force candy prize.”
Peenjus licked his lips. Cui’s blood must’ve tasted good, because he started to purr. “That’s a serious prize Ginyu’s offering. Maybe I should win it for myself…”
“No, come on! It’s way too big. It’ll take you years to eat.”
“Hm… in that case, maybe you’re right. I developed space hemorrhoids from a Space-badger three weeks ago, and I don’t have very long to live. Very well, purple alien with horns coming out of your head that look like two prolapsed anuses. I’ll teach you how to dance. But you must promise that you will use my teachings well, that you will dance with the spirit of a thousand Space Tarsiers, and that you will honor my style above all others.”
Cui didn’t listen to a word Peenjus said. “Chocolate!” he yelled lustily.
Cui found Cap’n Ginyu and Kuriza in a closet, where he was expecting to find Zarbon instead. Inside, Kuriza stood perched on Cap’n Ginyu’s shoulder like a parrot, his arms up in a ferocious martial arts pose. Ginyu was posing too, though his pose was more lax. He was wearing his armor and was laughing. Kuriza, on the other hand, was wearing a nice black-silk dress with bra and panties; his face was decorated with makeup as well. As soon as Cui came in, he jumped back and shrieked, not expecting to find those two in there (he was of course looking for the glory hole at the back of the closet).
“Get out!” Captain Ginyu yelled with dismay. “This is a private lesson!”
Kuriza turned to face Cui, wide-eyed and with a sheepish look on his face. “I’m a fancy boy!” he bellowed innocently.
“Captain Ginyu…” Cui began. “I’m here to win that prize you offered!”
“Not now, Cui!” Ginyu’s voice was strained. “Can’t you see I’m busy? I’m not a sailor, I’m a captain for Frieza’s sake!”
Kuriza slapped Ginyu across the face with his tail. Cui saw glitter spray across the good captain’s forehead. “Never take the name of our lord and sailor, papa Frieza, in vain!”
“S-sorry… kid. I forgot he was your dad.”
“Fine papa! Big papa! Beauty papa! Papa loves me! Papa reads me bedtime stories and his lips are saltier than Ginyu’s!” Kurzia began to dance, swinging his hips back and forth. He looked like a tiny dancer, akin to one that would be placed on the dashboard of a space ship. The sight of it made Cui feel like Kuriza was in him.
“Cui!” Ginyu roared. “I’m not asking you again.”
“I’m hungry!” This was Cui’s time to take a stand, in the closet. “I want that chocolate noooow!”
“Ack… you’re so pushy.” Ginyu stepped out of the closet, pushing Cui aside, and shook his head. Kuriza stood perched delicately on the captain’s shoulder, looking very much like his father. “Fine. Follow me!”
Cap’n Ginyu took Cui to the altar of Guldo, which stood near the center of the ship in a small room of its own. He called in the rest of the Ginyu Force, and began to pace in front of them as he recounted Cui’s ambitions to them. Kuriza sat in a corner, picking his ear, not paying attention.
“Captain Ginyu, no fair! I want my chocolate!” Guldo protested. He spoke as if he had wet napkins stuck in his mouth after getting his wisdom teeth removed. Cui knew that was just because Guldo was a porker amongst porkers.
“Yeah I want candy!” Recoome said stupidly. Cui thought that Recoome would look better with a pirate smile, with a couple of those pearly whites ripped from his gums.
“I’m the fastest warrior in the universe!” Burter boasted helpfully. “Gotta go faster, faster. I’m the blue blur! I’m too fast for you hahahahaha!” As he began to laugh, Burter keeled over and started coughing. No one moved in to help him. Cui knew this was because Burter had recently become a cigar smoker, and he was doing this to himself. He would make Bill Burr proud (Burter was, of course, an animal), but probably no one else. It was pretty weird that Burter thought that highly of ol’ Billy Red Tits, so Cui didn’t know what to make of that.
“Haha, once Burter’s said he’s gettin’ the candy, ain’t no one out there gonna beat him!” Jeice smiled, before punching the sky randomly. “Rip in piece, mate, haha!”
“Now now, Jeice,” Captain Ginyu said. “I said whoever dances the best will win the chocolate Guldo. No one has danced for me yet.
“I’m ready! I want to win this today,” Cui said.
“Yeah, you already said that,” Ginyu responded, narrowing his eyes. “Alright soldiers. I want one of you to beat him. It would be a big disgrace if we lost the chocolate delight!”
“Aye, aye, cap’n!” the Ginyu Force shouted in unison. All of them saluted him and then struck awkward poses.
Up first was Guldo. He tried to do a running spin onto stage, but he tripped and fell. As he began to roll like a log, tears, fresh and hot as a New York hot dog, came leaking out of his face. He crashed into the far wall unceremoniously and stayed there unmoving, breathing heavily.
“Well done, Guldo, five points!” Ginyu roared.
“Hey, if that’s worth five points, I’m definitely getting ten!” Cui declared. “My moves are straight outta the rainforest!”
Kuriza was lounging behind them in his sexy attire, eating a bowl of space crabs. He laughed carelessly at all of the proceedings going on in front of him.
Recoome was up next. He turned on a pop instrumental and then ran onto stage. There, he wiggled his butt and did that stupid grin of his and almost blew apart the ship with a ki explosion to finish things off when Captain Ginyu shot forward and knocked him out with a single kick to Recoome’s tree-trunk neck. The huge man dropped just like Guldo, fast asleep.
“Three points to Recoome!” Ginyu shouted. “That was horrific!”
Up next was Jeice. Jeice, as we all know, is the only guy who Vegeta legitimately killed out of all of Ginyu’s lackeys. He also has a name that reminds me of Krillin. So suffice to say, when he came onto stage, there were no high hopes for him. Jeice proceeded to flick a button on the wall, and a strobe light descended into the room. “Yeah, let’s get it on!” Jeice smiled. He whipped his hair back and forth and then began to dance like a spaz as disco music blared. “Shake it, shake it, yeah, yeah, baby yeah!” Jeice grunted as he went. He did flips and spins and his long white hair was a blur as it danced about the room. Cui was in tears. He thought that it was beautiful, and he knew he had no chance of beating Jeice’s routine.
“Two points,” yawned Ginyu after it was over. “As the not really great Rivers Cuomo once said, disco sucks!”
Jeice began to cry, but Ginyu kicked him off the stage before he could complain. Jeice landed in a bloody crater in the far wall before falling off of it, unconscious. Kuriza cheered that, throwing live crabs everywhere in celebration. Cui shot all the ones that got too close to him, for the last thing he wanted was crabs.
Next came the character who is a ripoff of Sonic the Hedgehog, which is quite fitting since Sonic is himself a ripoff of Goku. So Burter decided to dazzle the remaining crowd (which was only Ginyu, Cui, and Kuriza), and then turned on some rap metal music to go with his dance routine. He danced about the room, sometimes in a blur, sometimes completely invisible, because he was moving about so fast. It was breathtaking to watch, Cui thought.
“One point to Burter!”
“Aw, Cap’n, that’s the worst one yet!” the Blue Hurricane complained.
“Shut your mouth you snake-looking fairy. If you would slow down for one second so I could get a good look at your moves, maybe I would be able to give you a better grade!”
“But Cap’n, I’m the fastest in the universe, I can’t help it!”
“He’s a traitor!” Kuriza shrieked. Then, he raised his hand, his face emotionless, and pointed his thumb to the side. After a moment, he lowered his thumb to point down at the floor. “No one says they’re faster than my papa! Papa Frieza’s the fastest daddy in the universe. Trust me, I know! Wonderful papa! Magisterial papa!”
Burter’s eyes bulged out of his head because Captain Ginyu slammed his fists down on top of them. The warrior dropped unconscious, just like his three comrades.
“Well done everyone. Guldo is leading with five points,” Captain Ginyu said cheerfully. “Now it’s time for the guy who couldn’t even get on the Ginyu Force to show us what he can do!”
Cui gulped and stepped forward. “You aren’t going to knock me out after this is over, right?”
“My name is a pun on milk,” Ginyu said. “How would you like to taste some jalapeño milk?”
“I would like nothing less in the world.”
“Good, now show me your dance.”
Cui nodded and clicked on his own tape. It was some nice chicano rock. “This one’s also for John!” he bellowed and then began his dance.
Cui put his hands at his side and got as straight as he could (which was hard with Kuriza in the room). Then, he began to bounce up and down, over and over and over and over again. He did nothing else for the entirety of the song. He just jumped up and down, and he never jumped very high. Once he was done, he did a bow, caught his breath, and shouted:
“That one’s the pogo stick! It’s the secret move of Master Peenjus.”
“Six points,” Ginyu said. “I hated it.”
“Then why did you give me six?”
“Did you see anyone else dance?” Ginyu raised his fist at Cui. “Don’t make me regret that!”
“Okay, okay! Just don’t hit me!” Ginyu grunted and slapped his knee. “Now I want my prize,” Cui said. His mouth was salivating, anticipating the sweet, bitter taste of that succulent cocoa Guldo. He couldn’t wait to dig into those four chins. The plumpness of them was making his tongue restless.
“Not yet, buddy,” Ginyu grinned. “We’ve got one more dancer.”
“Secret dancer?! Who?! Who is the secret dancer?”
“I am,” Kuriza stood up. “Weren’t you expecting this?” He did a little twirl. “Captain Ginyu has been teaching me how to dance for weeks! He’s been my special tutor.”
“Oh, no!” Cui knew what this meant. His treat was slipping from his grasp.
Kuriza took stage, did a little curtsy in his dress, and then flicked on his music. What came on could only be described as something akin to death metal, though with more (really really great) guttural screaming. At once, Kuriza swerved his hips, ducked his head, and began to spin it back and forth, as if he was trying to do that thing where death metal musicians spin their hair about. This was all well and good, but Kuriza is bald, on account of him being an Arcosian. So instead of him managing to look all cool and mature, he just looked like a little bald kid having a convulsion.
When it was over, Cui’s ears were still ringing. He was sure death metal was the worst genre of music now, even worse than country, but more on that in Cui’s next adventure. Ginyu jumped up, did a guttural growl of his own, which sent douche chills down Cui’s spine, and then embraced Kuriza. He began to spin the kid around by his hands until he slipped over Recoome’s body and flung the Arcosian child into the center of the room. Kuriza slammed into the altar of Guldo hard, causing the chocolate statue to fall off and land in his lap.
“10 points, 10 points, 10 points!” Ginyu was singing, prancing about the room, perhaps unaware of what he had just done. “He’s the best dancer I’ve ever raised. When he gets older, he’ll join the Ginyu Force for sure. He has way more swag than those other pretenders. Yip yip!”
“You’re just biased,” Cui accused the captain. “You taught him how to dance, so you think he’s the best.”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
“But his dancing was awful.”
Both Kuriza and Ginyu let out gasps of shock. “I’m telling papa you said that,” Kuriza threatened. “Papa Frieza’ll wipe that smile right off your stupid face for saying that!”
“Yeah, go see him wearing those clothes. I’m sure he’ll listen to you,” Cui yelled back, his face growing hot with anger. “That’s my candy!”
“No, it’s mine,” protested Kuriza.
“Don’t do anything stupid, or I’ll blast you all the way to Cameroon!” Ginyu shouted.
But Cui wasn’t listening. He was too hungry. He wanted the chocolate too much. His tongue had already dreamt about feeling those fat folds in Guldo’s chins. “Let go of my prize!” Cui shouted as he ran forward.
Kuriza jumped up and drew the candy statue back, holding it under his arm. “You’re making a big mistake, alien!” Kuriza shouted in horror as Cui charged him down. Behind, Ginyu chased after Cui, trying to run down the warrior before he could get to Kuriza, but Cui knew he was too far away.
Just before Cui hit Kuriza, something incredible happened. In the blink of four eyes, the head of chocolate Guldo disappeared. Cui stopped in confusion, and Ginyu rammed into him unexpectedly, sending them both to the ground. Kuriza noticed the head was gone and began to cry. “My special prize!” he sobbed. “Why me?!”
“I should fry you for that,” Cui said between his teeth.
“Why’d you take his candy?” Ginyu asked, annoyed.
“It wasn’t me. I didn’t even get to him yet.”
Ginyu stood up and surveyed the room. “Hm… that’s strange. Bizarre, even. Who could have done this?” he asked no one and everyone. His four men were down for the count, and Cui was certainly not fast enough to steal the candy like that. Ginyu himself wouldn’t be able to either. It had just vanished – just like that.
Kuriza was inconsolable, sobbing in a corner like a meth addict who had just lost his wife under a fallen ATM machine. Ginyu went over to console him, and soon, the two had left the room, leaving just Cui and the four underlings of the Ginyu Force. Cui looked around with his eagle eyes, and quickly noticed that Guldo was sleeping, sitting up against the wall. He remembered that Guldo had fallen and rolled into the wall – he had never been sitting up like that. As Cui approached the fat little beast, he noticed there were dark smears on his face. That meant he was either a Brazilian porn star, or he’d eaten his own head. The rumors were true, Cui knew. Guldo did love himself; Cui just never thought he loved himself that much.
He grabbed Guldo by the scruff of the chins and picked him up. At first Guldo tried to pretend he was unconscious. That caused Cui to squeeze his chins harder. Suddenly, Guldo’s four eyes popped open and he let out a little squeal. “I know what you did,” Cui whispered.
“N-no you don’t…” Guldo wheezed.
“Go get me some of that chocolate or I’ll tell Captain Ginyu.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“You underestimate my love of chocolate.”
O-okay…” Guldo coughed. “L-let… me… go…”
Cui dropped him.
“You have crazy eyes for those cocoa beans man,” Guldo told him as he massaged his chins.
“I know. It’s my favorite.” He loved chocolate almost as much as he loved the closet glory hole. “Now get going.”
“Gi-give me a moment… to catch my breath,” Guldo complained.
Cui shook his head. “We’re not playing games, fatty.” So he picked Guldo up, like a rotund man-child, and punted him out the door, down the hall where Ginyu and Kuriza went.
Cui stepped back, put his hands on his hips, and surveyed the room. He had been the best dancer, he knew. He had done Master Peenjus proud. None of these fools had matched him in the slightest. It was a shame that Peenjus was going to die pretty soon from the hemorrhoids, but at least he had been able to pass on one last bit of knowledge to Cui: the pogo stick dance. Cui knew Peenjus would live on inside him for years to come (haha, he didn’t know about Namek).
He licked his lips and thought about the chocolate he would be eating later that night. He wanted to melt it with his ki and then drape himself in it. He wanted to wear nothing but chocolate all over himself. That made him feel light-headed. He looked down and felt a tightening in his smallclothes. Maybe, just maybe, he would be the one giving Zarbon a treat tonight when he presented his chocolate-covered lil Cui in the glory hole. That made Cui feel good, thinking about how, for once, he would be giving someone else a treat. Cui chuckled to himself and knew this day had been good to him.
- I don't know what the name of this story refers to exactly. Probably wasn't a reference to anything in particular; sounds like a bit of cheeky boasting, to go with the stuff in the story. And of course, since everything in this one-shot is framed around the idea of eating the chocolate Guldo, being a candy man of all things doesn't seem that far-fetched. This is probably the name I was closest to renaming out of the collection (none of the eight stories ever ended up being renamed). It has a certain charm to it, but certainly isn't my favorite of the eight names.
- So, originally Cui and the Ginyu Force were going to argue over some chocolate bars. As I sat down to write this story, I thought it would be funnier if the chocolate was wrought in the image of someone. Guldo is ugly and pathetic, so glorifying him so was funny to me.
- "Cui was not one to hold back. When he had been just a boy, he had once worn his mother’s lingerie to impress his father." - this is my favorite joke in the story.
- This is perhaps the only story in The Heels of the Unknown that was written from the point-of-view of an omniscient narrator. The Namek jokes would be impossible if this was told solely from Cui's perspective.
- Guldo has mentioned loving chili burgers in canon, but I think he only does so in the anime.
- I doubt Guldo forgets to breathe. When you're horny and in public and you can freeze time... well, if I had that power, sometimes I might forget how to breathe too.
- "He already tried that, but the captain had looked at him like some two-bit space hooker. That insult to Cui’s pride was most devastating. He knew he was at least a four-bit space hooker." - I'm quite fond of this one. Cui can be so modest sometimes.
- Peenjus' name is a pun on pineapple juice. I was not going to make his name a joke at first. I was looking through fruits to pun his name on, and for some reason, the list had pineapple juice. So that led to Peenjus, and one of the finest jokes in this story, I think.
- Peenjus is a Space Tarsier because in my Biological Anthropology class at the time, my teacher was going on and on about tarsiers, presenting them as one of the most efficiently-built killing machines in nature. So, it only made sense to have the wise old master be a Space Tarsier, in the same way I have Space-badgers in my universe.
- I think it's funny that Frieza would just have a dance instructor on his ship, like that's a post that needed filling.
- I imagine that Peenjus is a sort of Chinese-inspired deity living in the deep mystical jungle, which was hard to do, since everyone is on Frieza's ship in this story. The ridiculousness of Peenjus' lair is probably not something I would have put in if this were not a comedy.
- The space-badgers' grow tent is a reference to my friend's grow tent, which he had been using at the time I wrote this story to grow cucumbers and peppers. He thought he could also grow weed if he wanted to, but never did, hence the '420 days without an accident'.
- The treat rant is a reference to the same friend from the last endnote. He loves buying stuff from Amazon.com, and rarely a day goes by without him getting a new package. He always treats himself in terms of food too, and the whole gluttony/pleasure stuff annoyed me a bit, so I used that as a reference point for Cui in this story.
- Cui's boots being light green is outrageous and nonsensical.
- Tarsiers are ugly creatures, and the dreaded Space Tarsier is even more exaggerated. Every aspect of Peenjus' physique exists to make him more deadly. Of course, since he's a dance instructor, all of that is irrelevant.
- A tarsier once bit my Biological Anthropology professor's finger; that was the inspiration for the finger-biting scene, obviously.
- Notice how much trouble Cui is having with restraining his emotions. He's all anxious and envious of skills and chocolate. He's not happy; he's desperate. He's not in harmony with himself. The obstacles he encounters are helping him realize this and check himself.
- "The Space Tarsier looked up at him. Each one of his eyes was much bigger than his brain, which explained a lot." - savage one, mate.
- My professor also lost a chunk of his finger when he was bit by a tarsier.
- It's amazing how putting "space" in front of all sorts of words, like "chipmunk" or "LSD" is so funny. Gotta be consistent, though. This is a semi-gag that is in many of my stories. Space Ducks, Space-badgers, and Space Cocaine have all appeared in other stories of mine.
- Notice how throughout this story there is strange eroticism, like with Peenjus licking up Cui's blood and then purring. Like, it's a bit erotic, but it's definitely not, classically speaking, something that should be. The whole prose is like this, and I don't know why. Another example would be the cum reference when Cui steps in that puddle just before meeting Peenjus.
- The ending of the first scene is very much influenced by Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. If you don't know why that is, you don't know much about Foster's Home.
- The Captain Ginyu/Kuriza stuff is me scratching my itch to write a bit more about Kuriza. Since he was shown in my PTO story getting dance lessons from Captain Ginyu, I only thought it would be right if I kept that characterization consistent.
- The image of Kuriza on Captain Ginyu's shoulder doing dance poses is based on an image that a fan artist drew of Kuriza that I first saw two years ago. That artist is the same artist of the picture I used for Monster.
- It should raise suspicions that Cui was looking for Zarbon, and also that he knew to look for Zarbon in the closet.
- Kuriza being dressed up as a girl is mostly to reinforce the earlier joke about Cui once doing that when he had been a kid. It's also just a really funny image that popped into my mind as I was writing this section. Thematically speaking, notice that Kuriza is being brash and honest, much as Cui had once been (per his own memories). But Cui is no longer so honest, so open, so he recoils when he sees Kuriza. This reaction is reflective on his own state of mind.
- There are also sexual undertones with Ginyu and Kuriza. I don't remember writing that, but it's hilarious. Ginyu's private lesson remark is rather clever, I think.
- Writing for Kuriza in this story was one of my greatest joys. I got some of my favorite kinds of comedy out of him. Yelling "“I’m a fancy boy!”" is super funny to me. I think it's also a Seinfeld reference. And the fact that Kuriza is acting so innocently, in comparison to the adult machinations of Cui's mind, and perhaps whatever Ginyu is getting out of being in a closet with the prince, is worth noting.
- "I’m not a sailor, I’m a captain for Frieza’s sake" - that is a reference to this story's theme song.
- The glitter being sprayed everywhere when Kuriza tail-slaps Ginyu is a nod to Rip Taylor.
- "“Never take the name of our lord and sailor, papa Frieza, in vain!”" - this is another one of my favorite lines. Honestly, pretty much everything Kuriza says is really funny to me. His dialogues with Ginyu are great. I think I got Ginyu very much in character this story.
- "“Fine papa! Big papa! Beauty papa! Papa loves me! Papa reads me bedtime stories and his lips are saltier than Ginyu’s!”" - again, another super funny line. Two things to note: Frieza was shown reading Kuriza a bedtime story in Monster, so I was tying these two Kuriza one-shots together a bit; secondly, the thing about Frieza's lips being saltier than Ginyu's is a reference to this.
- "Kurzia began to dance, swinging his hips back and forth. He looked like a tiny dancer, akin to one that would be placed on the dashboard of a space ship. The sight of it made Cui feel like Kuriza was in him." - all of this again has sexual undertones, showing how undisciplined Cui is. Also, this whole section is a reference to Tiny Dancer by Elton John.
- Cui stands up to Ginyu to an extent I don't think Pikkon would be able to stand up to King Yemma. It's interesting to see that the two spring protagonists are at different levels of development like that.
- "Cui thought that Recoome would look better with a pirate smile, with a couple of those pearly whites ripped from his gums." - Recoome is hideous, but at least he looks a little interesting with half his teeth missing. Aside from being another reference to Elton John's "Tiny Dancer", this part is foreshadowing Recoome's battle with Vegeta on Namek.
- Burter makes a few references to Sonic the Hedgehog with his first few lines of dialogue.
- WaffleMinifigure would be so proud of how I treated Jeice in this story.
- Guldo's dance was inspired by a gif I once saw of a big fat woman dancing on stage and falling over. Captain Ginyu loves train wrecks too, apparently, for his rating of Guldo's "dance" was absurdly high.
- "Kuriza was lounging behind them in his sexy attire, eating a bowl of space crabs. He laughed carelessly at all of the proceedings going on in front of him." - Kuriza is eating space crabs because his father ate some kind of Namekian crab in canon (I believe that's the only thing Frieza was ever shown eating). Some foreshadowing going on there, perhaps. Also, the description of him laughing carelessly is a reference to Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh. For a class I took in the fall of 2015, I had to read the original Winnie the Pooh, and Christopher Robin was consistently described as speaking or laughing carelessly. Kuriza's role in this story, being a beacon of innocent absurdity, captures an important idea of what the season of spring is; as well, it serves as a contrast to Cui's less innocent ways.
- When I was writing the dance off, I didn't know really who would win at first. I had all of the Ginyu Force members get knocked out though to make sure that none of them could be a problem later, as I knew that only Cui, Ginyu, or Kuriza would win. The others... maybe only Guldo out of them had a chance at all, so his "knock out" is more ambiguous (and Ginyu doesn't knock Guldo out himself).
- "Up next was Jeice. Jeice, as we all know, is the only guy who Vegeta legitimately killed out of all of Ginyu’s lackeys. He also has a name that reminds me of Krillin." - there's two, maybe three people on this wiki who will understand this part. Truth be told, I have no memory of writing this, but I understand the reference.
- I was a bit harsh towards Rivers Cuomo in this story. No idea why that is.
- Jeice dancing to disco music was written in primarily so that Ginyu could say that Rivers Cuomo line (it's a reference to one of his songs). But also, the way Jeice moves about in the Namek Arc, just how he holds himself, made me think that disco would be the genre for him to dance to.
- Kuriza finally shows some emotion when Jeice is hurt pretty bad. The way he throws crabs everywhere is an unexpected turn, given how his character has been portrayed up to that point. Notice that as he becomes more unrestrained, Cui becomes more focused.
- I don't think Kuriza ever meant to give Cui crabs.
- I don't even know what rap metal is. I heard someone sing about its existence in a song once, but that's all I know about it.
- Burter is absolutely a Sonic ripoff, and I think I realized that as I was writing this story; I didn't have that opinion before getting to Burter's dance.
- Kuriza mimics Commodus from Gladiator when he drops his thumb. Though this story was improvised, this is a joke that I've thought about before. It's also a joke brought up in Dragonball Abridged, albeit with a different end result. I always wondered more about what someone who knew that Burter wasn't the fastest dude ever would say. Clearly Ginyu and Frieza are faster than Burter because they are far stronger than him. Kuriza himself likely is too. So Burter saying what he does is a ridiculous boast and clear treason, and Kuriza was absolutely right to become so serious when he did. That change of his, however, is an important moment of characterization for him as well. The boy is not just an oblivious dunce as he's been portrayed up to that point. There's a keen awareness in him that is frightening.
- "“No one says they’re faster than my papa! Papa Frieza’s the fastest daddy in the universe. Trust me, I know! Wonderful papa! Magisterial papa!”" - again, I just love this dialogue. The fluttery rhythm to it is musical. The last two sentences are a reference to the (European) football commentator, Ray Hudson.
- "“My name is a pun on milk,” Ginyu said. “How would you like to taste some jalapeño milk?”" - I forgot I wrote this. Made me crack up. Anyways, jalapeño milk is something I had looked up around the time I was writing this story to show my friend. He's obsessed with hot food and peppers (he's the same one who I mentioned was growing them in previous endnotes), so the combination of milk (the only thing that really counteracts a pepper's heat) mixed with peppers was a curiosity I just had showed him. I guess that was on my mind when I wrote this part. Also, just taking in that sentence, the threat Ginyu makes to Cui is hilarious.
- "“This one’s also for John!”" - this is a reference to the Broncos winning Superbowl 50. When John Elway stepped up to the mic after the game and said "This one's for Pat!" (itself a callback to the guy named Pat saying "This one's for John!" when the Broncos won a previous Superbowl), a lot of people thought he would say instead, "This one's also for John!" because he's referred to himself in the third person before and seems to have a rather large ego. Again, not sure why that was on my mind, since I wrote this in April, and the Superbowl was in early February.
- I feel like the pogo stick move was a reference to something. Maybe Tim and Eric? Not sure. Cui listened to chicano rock because that's the genre of "La Bamba". Of course, doing the pogo stick to that song is just crazy, so I knew he had to do it.
- Probably my favorite aspect of the dance off was Ginyu's snide remarks and his extremely harsh reviews. Perhaps that's a bit of self reference there. Either way, it's funny that Ginyu remarks that he hated Cui's dance and then gave him six points - the most points he's given for any dance so far. And he did tell a few of the others that he liked their dances, so I dunno what's going on with him. Maybe he's drunk on fermented goat's milk.
- "“Secret dancer?! Who?! Who is the secret dancer?”" - this is a definite reference to that gay couple from Seinfeld. I don't remember writing this line, though.
- "“I am,” Kuriza stood up. “Weren’t you expecting this?” He did a little twirl. “Captain Ginyu has been teaching me how to dance for weeks! He’s been my special tutor.”" - and Captain Ginyu had the nerve to call Burter a fairy? It's noteworthy that Kuriza is so dainty. His father's ruthlessness is a big part of why he's been a successful emperor. Maybe the crown prince isn't suited for the job...
- I do in fact remember coming up with the death metal thing for Kuriza. For one, it's unexpected, given his quiet grace. And then that hair flipping joke became possible, a wholly happy coincidence.
- Death Metal is shit. Country music is shit. I'm sure there are exceptions, but the defining tonal characteristics of the genres are just terrible in my opinion. I definitely wasn't glorifying Death Metal in this story. In fact, I think I was making fun of most of the genres used in the dances.
- My stories are often just collections of vivid images and the journeys I take to get to those images. Kuriza being flung wildly into the air before slamming into the altar the giant chocolate Guldo was perched upon is one such image. It's so vivid I can see it in my mind's eye. I very much like this part.
- There's lots of Tim and Eric style comedy in this one. I don't remember their comedy being such a big influence on I'm a Candy Man, but I guess it was. The "Yip yip!" part is an example of their style of comedy.
- Cui is very much the rebel, as Pikkon was not. His lack of inner harmony does not concern him. He has no tranquility, no respect, no purity. He's in disorder, broken and breaking down further. The state he's in is elevated because of Kuriza's role as a foil. Kuriza is far more respectful, pure, tranquil, and full of harmony. He is the ideal where Cui is not. The closest Cui ever got to Kuriza's level was when he dressed up in his mother's clothes all those years ago. But alas, he's not that kind of person anymore. Despite Kuriza's bizarre behavior, motivations, and unclear intelligence, he appears to be ascending spiritually while Cui is falling apart.
- Clever why me = fry me joke. Well done, KidVegeta.
- "Kuriza was inconsolable, sobbing in a corner like a meth addict who had just lost his wife under a fallen ATM machine." - sick Breaking Bad reference.
- "That meant he was either a Brazilian porn star, or he’d eaten his own head." - I've heard rumors that the Brazilians do almost all of the scat porn, but I'm not into that so I don't know for certain. Anywho, the end of this sentence is really cool.
- "“You underestimate my love of chocolate.”" - this line is a reference to Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith and Anakin's terrible line in it: "You underestimate my power!".
- Peenjus' impending death is so needlessly cruel of me. And I especially like how everyone is just so nonchalant about it too. Nobody gives a fuck that he's going to die really soon, not even him. It's just something that's going to happen.
- It's also really strange to think that not long after this story, everyone goes to Namek and dies. Just like that. All these major characters gone. Only Kuriza amongst them survives. That is of course something I knew, which is why I spent so much time characterizing Kuriza, because let's be real, he's the only endgame player in this story (no, that doesn't mean I know what I'm doing with him in the future yet).
- "He wanted to melt it with his ki and then drape himself in it." - this is a reference to George from Seinfeld wanting to drape himself in velvet. The reckless hedonism in Cui's heart has not been tempered, leading him to ruin, whereas Pikkon, who achieved harmony in the end, grew and matured as a character.
- "That made him feel light-headed. He looked down and felt a tightening in his smallclothes." - this sentence is written in the style and verbiage of A Song of Ice and Fire.
- "Maybe, just maybe, he would be the one giving Zarbon a treat tonight when he presented his chocolate-covered lil Cui in the glory hole. That made Cui feel good, thinking about how, for once, he would be giving someone else a treat. Cui chuckled to himself and knew this day had been good to him." - so aside from these last few sentences of the story being grossly sexual and comedic, this resolution highlights Cui's state of mind, his arrogance, his lust, and his ignorance. He's completely self-centered and pleasure-oriented. Basically nothing about him is consistent with the Japanese aesthetics I portrayed so positively in the previous story. Indeed, the bumbling, unsustainable way everyone acts in this story goes against those principles. I'd say everyone except for Kuriza acts in contrast to the way of tea, to the way of zen, and to other Japanese aesthetics. That was no accident.
- So I think what's interesting about the end of this story is how dark it actually is. Superficially, it's a happy ending, but I'd say A Shadow on the Wind actually ends on a much higher note, despite being so dreary for most of its text. In this story, Cui learns nothing, does not achieve harmony with himself, and the themes of waste, excess, and ignorance are pervading the story to an extent I did not remember. Cool stuff, and it really shows the opposite resolution to the previous story. It's cool that the "happy ending" came in the more melancholic story, while the comedic story had the sadder ending.
As is often the case with these anthologies, I've found that I like this story more than I remembered liking it. Having just read it for the first time since posting it on the wiki, I can say that it's definitely in the spirit of this story collection and makes important strides in several thematic areas. The subtlety of this story can be lost since it's a comedy, but there's some really cool characterization of Kuriza and Cui, and the way they act as foils to one another is cool. As well, the dance sequence was super funny to me. All of Kuriza's and Ginyu's dialogue was ridiculously good too. Kuriza's lines are amongst the finest bits of comedy I've ever written, not only in The Heels of the Unknown, but in all of my fanons on this site. I'm quite happy with that. The only thing that I think lessens this story a bit is I think the prose got a little more clever in subsequent comedy stories in this one-shot collection, but otherwise, this is a very strong story, and I'm glad to have written it. Overall, I'd give I'm a Candy Man an S-.
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Part 60 ---->