Fin is the fourth and final drunken one-shot I wrote with Destructivedisk. We wrote all of our contributions together on April 1, 2016 from 5:38 pm (my time) to 8:43 pm. Of course, because both of us were drunk, we weren't writing continuously for those three hours. But everything up to the underlined bold words below was written in that time frame.
As is often the case, DD got very drunk and that distracted him. I did not know at the time that his final contributions in this story would be the final words he ever wrote in collaboration with me. I also got very drunk, although I don't exactly remember what I had to drink that night. It was probably either mango or pineapple vodka for me, which are my favorites.
Everything underlined was written on September 2, 2016, several months after all of the other contributions. All of the contributions after April 1 were my own. I wanted to finish this story, and I tried for months to get DD to return to the wiki to help me finish it. When it became clear that he had the free time to do so, but not the desire to, I took it upon myself to finish up this story.
When I think of this story, I'm reminded of Tornado by Jonsi. I wrote the second part of this story from 8:12 pm to 9:17 pm on September 2, writing specifically with no filter and no editing. I was also playing video games at the time I wrote it, which made the writing go a bit slower. I got very drunk on mango vodka before writing the ending part of this story.
The picture for this story was picked out by me months before I finished Fin. I had to find a picture for it when I created the Baby You're a Rich Man page, and this was the funniest Salza picture I could find. Once again, there weren't many options, as rule34 doesn't have much on Salza in general. But I thought since this pic has both Jeice and Salza in it, who are the two protagonists of the story, it was the best option.
The first part of this story, with DD's contributions, was written about three and a half months before Baby You're a Rich Man became a thing. I would have probably felt less pressure to finish Fin had all of these recent drunken stories with DD and high stories with Creeperman129 not been collected into a larger collection. But that's just how it went.
This is the shortest story in Baby You're a Rich Man, and for good reason. Though I tried often to get DD to help me finish this story, it just wasn't happening. He's moved on from fanon in general, and while that's sad, I'd rather he do things that he wants to do than be forced to finish this stupid drunken story with me. On the other hand, I think, for me personally, this story is a lot like "You Never Give Me Your Money" by the Beatles (
), or at least my version of a story that's like that song, thematically-speaking. After I do the commentary for this story below, I don't expect to ever re-read Fin again.
Story[edit | edit source]
The stuff that I wrote is in bold.
The stuff that I wrote after April 1, 2016 is also underlined.
Kumbaya makes me get violent. He knew he had to keep very still while he waited;
Time and time again, Salza found himself eating space snails. He loved space snails. Space snails were gooey and salty and he loved athem.It made him feel like a man from Space France, because people from Space France absolutely loved eating Space Nails - or, as they called it, l’escargo de l’espace. He liked sucking them out of their snails because they were delicious that way. He also loved sucking penises out of their shells, because he was literally in fifth grade and found that type of stuff funny.
Salza let the grease run down his chin into his beaty laitle. He liked to be a trickster and steal some snails from Cooler’s imperial lunch service. He liked cans of brick jdtu worms. Salza liked the squish squish of the squishers in his pocket. It made his leotard get real tight. One time he stuffed 20 snails in there and ate them at night and his stomach got so big a space gopher began to sleep on it like it was a hill at night. Saza liked his warmth and it was great beceause the gopher had these small little round shits that were nice and sweet to eat. Just then Jeice entered the room and he was as orange as a sunday afternoon beach.
The two knew each other from police academy. Jeice had been the no-nonsense, rugged, rough cop who hated everything except for those few people that he could trust. Salsa had been the cop who was open to all - too open, pehaps. How could they have gotten exposed to that much cadmium, after all? They were the two strongest beings of their species, thanks to the many years they had spent serving the force. They had captured so many criminals that it wasn’t even that funny, but they had done it separately. And nothing was going to bring them back together now. But even as Salza ate a bunch of space snails, he knew it wasn’t over. When it came to Jeice, it was never over. It was always there - Jeice was like Salza’s shadow, there even if he didn’t want him to be. There was no escaping him. Even when Salza tried to staple his shadow to the ground, there was no way to get him to leave. Once Salza even tries to glue his shadow to the ground, but it didn’t work. He didn’t even really understand how shadows worked if he was going to be honest, they were just always there, like the fucking mexicans. There was no way to get rid of them, no matter what he did. No amount of adhesive tape could change that.
“Cap’n Ginyu? Cap’n Ginyu, Cap’n Ginyu, Cap’n Ginyu. Cap’n Ginyu. Cap’n Ginyu, Cap’n Ginyu… Cap’n Ginyu? Cap’n Ginyu.” Jeice spoke with a nice space Australian accent that tickled Salza in his three pancreases.
“What are you talking about now homeboy?” Salza asked. He sipped on snails and was getting lightheaded.
“Cap’n Ginyu. Cap’n Ginyu, Cap’n Ginyu!”
“So you’re here about that. Of course you are.” Salza stood up. “Well if you want the pictures, you have to beat me… Salza, leader of the Armored Squadron first!” He whipped his hair back and forth, did a cartwheel and landed right on his face. At that moment, a small balding Chinese man came running over, yelling ‘Cartwheel, Cartwheel… table four!’. Salza felt his face and stood up, frowning. “Damn… I am a pretty French Space Alien!” he yelled angrily.
“Cap’n Ginyu’s got a hot body!!” Jeice yelled, crikeyly. He clearly had it hard for Captain Ginyu, regardless of the form that the purple space alien took on. And with good reason, too. Captain Ginyu was the sexiest purple space alien this side of space, regardless of the form he took on. Jeice hoped that, one day, he would take on the form of Space Megan Fox, so that Jeice could jerk off to the thought like three times a day or something. Honestly, if I had the powers that Captain Ginyu had, I would do the same thing. And I would just stand in front of the mirror and masturbatore all day long while in my super hot movie star body. After all, I’ve alyways wanyed to know what the female orgasm was like. When I cum, it’s just like a normal part of my day and it’s not really unusal at all. But when a girl cums, it likes she goes all the way from the moon and back and experiences something completely out of this world. It seems completely unlike anything a man could experience. And if I was a super hot movie star experiencing that for the first time while looking in the mirror, it would be so hot that I would probably want to masturbate too. But I wouldn’t be able to masturbate, really, because I would be a girl, and girls can’t really masturbate. Even though the clitoris is basically just an underdeveloped baby penis, it apparently hurts too much if you rub it too much, according to my girlfriend. And that’s gay as fuck. If I were Captain Ginyu I would switch bodies with Jeice and make love while using his ejaculator fluids as my lubricant, because that’s all we really want, when you get down to it. We all need that in our lives.
“Cap’n Ginyu,” said jeice.
“You’re a nice slab of met” expilnad salza i love ur bod.
“Hot bod, hot bod,” agreed Mr. Dan Hanzus
But you haven’t seen that sweet ginyu real bod
“No real gunyu what i want”
“Ok ihave pics he was in the shower”
“Hot did he use shampoo as lube”
“No space australian cretin he that would burn his beautiful purple urethra”
“Whats his real bod look like i have to know. Burter said he heard mrudls that if houls plike at it it will make you cum like a blue hurrican!!!”
“My hurrians are purple thank you very much and i like ‘em salty like a nice escargo french word with the l’something”
“I want the cap’n ginyulovely body ok, says jeice.”
“Fat cnace and no pln, etc.”
“But you have pics show pics”
“I promised i would never share these”
“Ok upload them to the thread “pics u swore ud never shre”
“That sounds reasonable says Salza. He licks his lips and eats more snails. They areso good all slimy. He loves the sliey salty feeling slidingd own his toat.
“But we have to go on a quest. Remember the old cop days,” asked jeice. Back when we got dirty”
“I do not want tobed irty im notcie french alien,” snapped salza
“Mate, I’m clankin’ for some action.”
“Up your arsenal amirite.”
“Nah brah, get in my foreskin.”
So salza shrunk down into jeices foreskin and got aquakineted with his jeice juce. Juecie jucie nice and hot and sticky. It reminds salza of nice slugs he licks inside jeices foreskin but oh no! Suddenly the orange pitchfork began to grow longer and the foreskin pulls back! How will they complete the journey to the nude photos on 4chan now?!
There was nothing left inside. He was a member of the Ginyu Force. He’d trained all his life to be something, he thought. He’d almost become a legend. They bitched and whined that Pablo Honey was the worst. They wasted their oxygen like suckling synthenoids.
His name was not worth remembering. He huddled over his cards, cold as a rapacious space piriate. There were thousands - millions - like him, and there was nothing to be done. Jeice threw himself from Salza’s erect penis. This was a rocky world, a desolation of grey and brown and black. None of it mattered. The words fell from Jeice like sweat. He was ready.
Jeice had once thought this worth remembering.
“This is killing me!” said the alien in despair.
Jeice blasted him away without a second thought.
Cold were the winds of that world, as suffocating as winter. Once he’d been special; once he’d been worth it. Jeice shivered. The cold embrace coated him like platinum armor. “Salza, you were special,” he muttered, fondling himself. “I enjoyed being wrapped in your warm foreskin.”
It was no matter. The winds howled in response, as feral as Grendel in peak desire. There was nothing to be done. His arm was torn asunder, a veritable battle-paw like those of the days of yore. I wish I was special. Dreams are dust. And humans are petty, vile creatures. Jeice blew them away. He destroyed that rock, casting stones asunder, molten iron and cadmium. There had been a time he had felt something.
Decay is inevitable; everything goes away. In the distance, the Ginyu Force member beheld a white light, emanating with vain energy. It was not yet time. He dared not get closer. He was too tired. This is nonsense, they cried, pounding in his head like a worn drum. It wasn’t supposed to end this way.
“We are the same species,” he cried, “I wanted to know you. I wanted you to think I was worth knowing.”
Salza dissolved into dust. That’s all he was worth.
You are nothing. You mean nothing.
Jeice felt a burning sensation at the back of his throat, like when he ate licorice. But he hadn’t been hungry for a while. Salza disappeared into the void, as sudden as a breath of air. One moment he was there; the next, Jeice had never known him.
Next to Jeice, the Asian with a sparkling earring muttered, “Bullshit. This fucking sucks. I feel nothing.”
It was a sudden realization, cold as sleet. “They are born, and they die,” murmured Jeice’s old teacher, the words echoing through his mind. “Conscious as a king.” That made the blow all the more difficult to withstand.
“I thought-” Jeice began.
“No…” came the whisper, across the barren darkness, “He’s eager to please.”
Salza was thirty feet tall if he was a foot. He was a giant amongst men. No one knows why he was so tall, why he was naked, why he was aroused. Acid it was to Jeice’s mind, like bleach to a ruin. He shot a ki blast, then two, then fifty. His desperation was pathetic. He tried, failed, and fell to the dust, which greeted him like family.
“I have no one! I’m alone!” Jeice pleaded, wishing to climb back upon Salza’s throbbing cock. That was far too lewd a gesture. Jeice burned; he dissipated like fractured light.
There was the entire world - barren and rocky, a skirling wind calling lonesomely through the mountains and canyons. No answer came in response. Jeice wanted to climb back on, to feel the warmth of that foreskin of his species-brother. He wanted that so bad.
It blocked out the sun. He tasted blood. That was right. Salza recoiled as he cringed, and turned his eyes from that forsaken world. Bright and warm, it greeted him, and he could not look away, for all he was worth.
Endnotes[edit | edit source]
- The name of this story was created only after the entire story was written. It was called "drinking story iv" originally.
- I remember not liking DD's original opening contributions, so I began a new paragraph, essentially ignoring the sentence-and-a-half above it.
- Salza's voice actor uses a French accent, so I wanted to bring up the snails thing, since that's a common French trope and would also allow for other meanings to those snails to be presented. As it so happened, DD recognized that and then went on a short tirade about the sexual aspect that the snails could represent to finish out that paragraph. I'm not sure if he was taking a shot at me, or not, but I didn't care either way at the time.
- "He liked cans of brick jdtu worms." - this is a reference to a line from The Trickster by Radiohead.
- I treated Jeice like a Pokemon, being only able to say his own name. However, the twist was that he doesn't actually say his own name - the only thing he can say is "Cap'n Ginyu". I only kept up this joke for a short while as well, because we couldn't get anywhere if he couldn't communicate with Salza, and also, the joke would get tedious if that's really all Jeice could ever say.
- The note about Salza's three pancreases was meant to alien-ize Salza and also was a reference to myself, for when I drink, I have to use chasers - usually a lot of soda and/or pure sugar. And I often need quite a bit of sugar and/or soda, so I was concerned about my own health, with getting drunk for all these stories, and the side-effects of that.
- "At that moment, a small balding Chinese man came running over, yelling ‘Cartwheel, Cartwheel… table four!’." - this is a reference to The Chinese Restaurant, one of the greatest and most well-known episodes of Seinfeld.
- "Salza felt his face and stood up, frowning. “Damn… I am a pretty French Space Alien!” he yelled angrily." - I really like this line. Unexpected comedy like that is really fun. It plays off Salza's vain personality in canon, but to an extent that is probably not canonical.
- DD's following super-long paragraph is one of his legendary ramblings, in my opinion. Really great stuff overall, and had he put this much effort and creativity into the rest of the story, this could've been the best of our collaborations in Baby You're a Rich Man. I do not agree with him that the female orgasm is so much better than the male one, though. He just sucks at cumming, I think.
- "“Hot bod, hot bod,” agreed Mr. Dan Hanzus" - this is a reference to the "Around the NFL" podcast, my favorite NFL podcast.
- "But you haven’t seen that sweet ginyu real bod" - this line references an existing contradiction on the Dragon Ball Wiki page for Captain Ginyu. On the one hand, we have that silly story about Ginyu's childhood where he switched bodies with a rich kid and then switched back after he realized how dumb that kid was. But that is perhaps (or perhaps not!!!) contradicted by the claim that only Salza has seen Ginyu's true form. Ginyu is in his classic purple form as a kid in the "flashback", so those two statements are apparently at odds. I won't say much more about that, but just know that I may plan to resolve this issue in a future serious story of mine.
- "“No space australian cretin he that would burn his beautiful purple urethra”" - this is a good line to showcase the careless belligerence that is often seen in my drunk writing.
- So the original plot of this story was that Jeice had naked pictures of Ginyu in the shower that he was going to use as blackmail, and he wanted Salza's help in getting max value for those pics.
- "“Whats his real bod look like i have to know. Burter said he heard mrudls that if houls plike at it it will make you cum like a blue hurrican!!!”" - I have no memory of writing this, nor any idea what it means.
- "“My hurrians are purple thank you very much and i like ‘em salty like a nice escargo french word with the l’something”" - excellent line. I was also commenting on DD specifically with this part.
- Notice that during the extended dialogue section, it's not exactly clear who is saying which lines (for the most part). This was an intentional move on my part. It's a bit of meta literary commentary, but also just meant to confuse the readers for comedic purposes.
- "“But we have to go on a quest. Remember the old cop days,” asked jeice. Back when we got dirty”" - this line is a specific callback to an earlier DD section where he mentioned that Jeice and Salza used to be cop buddies.
- "“I do not want tobed irty im notcie french alien,” snapped salza" - this line is just me hating on French culture. While it's a bit harsh, these are my true feelings.
- "“Mate, I’m clankin’ for some action.”/“Up your arsenal amirite.”" - these two lines reference Ratchet & Clank.
- “Nah brah, get in my foreskin.” - okay, so this line is pretty interesting. The Ratchet & Clank references led me here naturally. So, this is a reference to a hentai manga where Ratchet meets this rando during a dream and then crawls into his foreskin as the rando grows super large. It's a strange, awful manga, and DD and I have had long discussions about its horrible absurdity in the past.
- "So salza shrunk down into jeices foreskin and got aquakineted with his jeice juce. Juecie jucie nice and hot and sticky. It reminds salza of nice slugs he licks inside jeices foreskin but oh no! Suddenly the orange pitchfork began to grow longer and the foreskin pulls back! How will they complete the journey to the nude photos on 4chan now?!" - I probably shouldn't have mentioned 4chan by name. That was a poor choice. The other parts of the paragraph were the natural culmination of the plot and me bringing up the slug motif again. I was preparing for the journey here, fully expecting DD to continue the story and journey in his next section. As it so happens, he had already written his final contribution for this story. The fact that we don't get to see their journey is, in a way, a shame, because I'm sure both of us could have come up with some memorable comedic stuff, but on the other hand, it's also interesting from a structural point-of-view. This build up with no payoff to the plotline is similar to how The Adventures of Beerus and Whis...IN SPACE! ends.
- So I will not be commentating on the underlined section that was added on September 2, 2016, except for one thing: I still tried to make this part semi-related to the rest of the story. There are a few scattered references to Salza and Jeice and their journey that they never went on, which I think is similar, from a thematic viewpoint, to my friendship with Destructivedisk. I don't know why I put those references in, especially the line: "Jeice threw himself from Salza’s erect penis." Any astute reader will know that this is the opposite of what actually happens in the April 1 story (Jeice grew huge and Salza clung to his penis for transportation, as can be seen in my previous endnote's quote). Those references, to keep the underlined text slightly relevant to the previous part of the story, was perhaps not a good move on my part. But really, I don't think anyone could argue that such lines are important to the second half of the story. Also I should note that I was originally also going to put a reference to Ledas' death scene (which I had just - finally after 6+ years! - come up with on August 31, 2016) in this story, but I refrained from doing so in the end, because I thought it would be too forced and too selfish a move.
The circumstances surrounding this story make it difficult for me to talk about it. Particularly the second half is where that can be seen. I don't really have much to say about the first part, written on April 1. It's okay, definitely not the best collab DD and I have done. I think he could have done better; I think I could have done better. Maybe I would appreciate it more if we had completed a "full" story; that might've made some of the jokes and setup in that first part work better. The second half is obviously something very personal, and I doubt I will ever discuss the contents of that. I am sad that my friendship with DD ended this way, though. As I already mentioned above, I will likely never read this story again. And, as with other drunken comedies stories, I will not be giving this one a rating.
<---- Part 67
Part 69 ---->