I think I hit my stride in this collection with Cool Cat, the cheeky comedy story left to round out the first half of The Heels of the Unknown. This was a story that when I came up with a final list of 8 stories on August 15, 2016 didn't even exist. In fact, on January 12 2016, when I came up with the new list of stories, including the addition of Starfall and Crushing Blue and the removal of a Sertung story and a Roshi/Oolong story, Cool Cat still didn't exist. It wasn't even on the radar yet. That came months later, making it by far the rawest story, conceptually.
I did almost no work on this story before I began working on it. It was the shortest blurb of any of them on my notepad document: "4. Korin - origin story, featuring Garlic, Makyans, Beezelbub, and others." Yet, in so few words lay so many possibilities.
It was a daunting task when I finally decided to do it. I knew I could make this a 12,000 word epic, and that could potentially not even scratch the surface of a Korin origin story. This was the story I worried about the most out of all of them going into the collection. This is the story I expected to be not only the longest one-shot I've ever written, but one of the longest stories I've ever written. I expected it to be a tremendous amount of work, with the Bojack story being the second hardest on the onset. Of course, as it turned out, neither of those two ended up being the hardest. This one especially.
I wrote Cool Cat after getting drunk for several nights in a row. Those were wild nights. I've never got drunk three nights in a row before. As anyone who knows KV knows, I hate alcohol. I only get drunk for the effects on my writing (mostly), where I get way more bold and funny. Anyways, on the first night, which was May 17, 2016, I wrote from 12:01 am to 3:14 am off and on, writing up to Korin buying the Sacred Water from Beelzebub. I went to bed. Then I woke up that same day, and edited that part while sober, from 4:13 pm to 5:12 pm actually writing a bit at the end, extending the story up until Korin raced after Beelzebub and tumbleweeds. That was one of the few parts written sober, and in general, it is rare for me to continue writing after editing. Usually, I will edit a section or a fragment, and once the edit is complete, I'll take a break that can span anywhere from 15 minutes to several days. But in this case, I just continued right on adding a few hundred more words because I was inspired and in a funny mood in the morning. It's also rare that I write after waking up. I usually write near the end of the day, hopefully going into the night, and that was not the case here at all.
So anyways, I did take a break after that, resuming writing from 7:44 pm to 3:44 pm (very sporadically!), editing a lot of the page, including adding a lot of the opening, and taking the story all the way to the end of the first section. Then I went to bed again, passing out in a drunken haze. I remember being quite fond of this story at that stage as I went to bed that night, being excited because it was unlike anything I'd written before. But I also knew I wasn't done, that I hadn't managed to finish it on that spectacular 8 hour span. And that was a bit disconcerting. I tend to write slower while drunk. It took a long time to write the story. I knew what I wanted to write, and it was making me laugh, and I had the exact wording in my head, but I was getting distracted and tired, as one does when one is drunk. So it was a struggle. I remember I definitely forgot several jokes and great one-liners. But, there's nothing I can do about that.
I got up that next day of May 18, 2016, and continued editing from 3:35 pm until 7:08 pm, taking a few breaks in there. Anyways, for that amount of time, I finalized the entire first section. It was hard work, and I did a lot of added-in lines and changes, especially to make sure the story could be canon but still absurd. Certainly, I spent many hours on this story, and we haven't even gotten to the second section yet!
The second section originally had two lines written by my friend's sister (hz note: Julia is based on her). They are as follows: "A gold atom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “‘A U, get out!”" and "Don’t trust atoms they make up everything.". I deleted them before writing the second section. Those jokes are okay, and certainly she laughed when she told them to me, knowing this would open the second scene of a Korin one-shot. But those were what she said. I deemed them too random to be included. So yeah. Quality control was top, despite this being such a drunk story.
So yeah, after the editing on May 18th, I got drunk and began writing the second section. I wrote it from 9:39 pm to 11:09 pm, finishing the whole story in that time. I was quite thrilled with this, as I was drunk, and I was pumped. I was ready to finish this story and continue the trend of the comedy story being released in a matter of days after the long-planned serious story in each THOTU binary. So I began to edit from 11:16 pm to 11:51 pm, while still drunk mind you. I was sober enough to make sure I was following canon and not making grammar or spelling errors. And of course I was trying to make it the best I could.
As a consequence of all of this, I remember very little of this story. I wrote most of it while drunk, and I even edited some of it while drunk. I made up almost all of the plot while on the spot or during the editing phase. Very little of this was planned out. The stuff with certain characters was planned though - stuff with Beelzebub, for example, and the Makyans, including Garlic's ancestor, and finding the power pole and sacred water. But how those characters interacted with Korin, how they progressed the plot, and what the other aspects of the plot were were all improv'd on the spot. I knew this was a comedy as I was drunk and as I was not, so this was intentional comedy.
I don't remember much of what I improv'd, so we'll get to that below, together. I remember finding this one funny, and I also know that it's the craziest of the stories in this collection, but I don't remember too many specifics. There's Makyans, and I think Paul McCartney makes an appearances, but... there's not much more I remember.
In terms of things that were planned, this story originally had a different wall scroll before I posted it, but I changed that as I did a last minute google image search for cat wall scrolls. I somehow found the one used for Cool Cat below, and it's really funny and cool and majestic, and perfect for Whiskers the Wondercat in my estimation.
The theme song is Revolution by the Beatles. It was a variety of different themes when other stories, such as the Roshi/Oolong story or The Benefactor's story, were in the fourth slot of this collection, but when I settled on this slot being a comedic Korin story, I gave it the theme song of "Hey Bulldog" by the Beatles. I thought that song was cheeky enough for Korin, the best example of such by the Beatles. But when I was getting closer to writing this one, I became more interested in "Revolution". Revolution has that cheeky swagger, that anarchist carefree swagger. It was better suited for what I was trying to do in this story, both with the plot and with Korin's development. On an unrelated note, if I ever do another one-shot about Korin, I'd make the theme song "Revolution 1" this time.
Anyways, onto the endnotes I say!
Story[edit | edit source]
“You must go west my boy,” the stern papa of our favorite kitty said. “Whiskers the Wonder Cat I name you. You are a child of the stars, a starchild if you will. Go to Earth and take your place below The Lookout, to serve as the gateway between us gods and mortalkind. Haha, this is an idea I came up with myself, isn’t a great one?”
“O-okay papa!” our protagonist squealed like a hog in heat.
“I will send you to the planet, and it is your duty, my young felid spawn, to find your way to the tower. Do not get lost or distracted; the journey will be difficult and treacherous, probably. This is your test, Whiskers the Wonder Cat. Do not fail me, my boy. My boy!” The aged cat licked his lips and began to chase his tail.
“Yes papa I’m a senbyo.”
“A senbyo,” Papa Whiskers scratched his chin. “I saw that on your wiki page, but a google search yielded no results!”
“Lit af, fam,” replied our protagonist who either has blue or white fur, no one knows.
At once, a white light covered the kitty, and he was teleported to Earth. There he found himself, in the middle of nowhere, in a field of wild lavender. A keen wind was blowing, and the sun was shining bright. He could see a tower in the distance, far-off, hovering behind a rank of clouds.
He was not named Korin yet but he needed to be because it’s hard as hell to write about him without calling him his real name. So the first thing Sir Whiskers did was he ran through the prairie and he chased fruit flies, meowing softly as he watched them buzz about. They were true fruits, the kinds you would tango in Paris with. But one time Korin came upon a raven sitting in the field, munching on the brain of a scarecrow who wore a shirt that said ‘crows before hoes’. When Korin tried to eat the raven who was eating the scarecrow, the bird said, “Corn, corn, corn!”
“Korin is my name now. I am no longer Whiskers the Wonder Cat, a child of the stars,” Whiskers the Wonder Cat declared. “This raven is wise beyond his years, etc.” Then he ate the bird, even though it tried to scream ‘Snow!’, but that didn’t impress Korin, it just made him purr like Cosmo in the bushes.
Whiskers the Wonder Cat became Korin, the future Martial Artist of the World. He traveled the world as a cat, immortal and looking for strings to swat. He found many mice to eat, and many more sapiens to engage in various activities legal in most states with.
There was a fat man, a veritable tub o’ lard, rolling a monstrous cinnabun up the hill, its frosting oozing out like a Brazilian finger pie. His name was Jimothy Gaffigan, and he was well met. Rivers Cuomo liked to sing about how he was rolling that cinnabon up the hill, and if it rolled back down, whoa, Jimothy, it rolled back down! Jimothy was of course quite lazy and barely put an effort to go after the cinnabon after it rolled back down. Just watching him made Korin sleepy, so he didn’t stay in that field for long. He knew in the future he would sleep for days at a time, but there was no time for that now. He was a young spry kitten, ready to see the world. He cursed all the gods, the old ones and the new, and fled that horrible scene.
Korin the cat, who was legendary and a holo, galloped onwards. He came to a desert, where the ground was cracked and brown and tumbleweeds blew about and even a few cacti were growing. It was blue agave central ‘round these parts, and the kitten was thirsty for some tequila, but he was too young for that. The heat of summer was on him then, and the poor shaggy kitty was not pleased at all. He inspected the ground where winged men grew and even guys like Dourada were watering themselves. “I must make water,” he declared, even though not a single litter box was to be found. The sun was hot that day, my friends, like a leper trying to massage a bikini model.
Korin relieved himself in the dirt, which was most unnatural for a child of the stars. In that puddle, a beanstalk suddenly sprouted. The man known as Paul ‘perfectionus tectonis australopithecus’ McCartney, stepped forward, and plucked a bean off the sprout. “I never give you my number, haha,” Paul wheezed. “She tried to come in through the bathroom window, but I’m too smart for that. One time I had to go in through my neighbor’s bathroom window when she locked herself out of her house, but haha she’s dead now.” It was a magical feeling, akin to Zarbon having a fancy date dinner in a humanesque restaurant, but that’s a story for side two of Abbey Road.
So said Paul II: Faul’s in Town Yo, the greatest of them all. He shall not be forgotten. Rip in piece, mate. You deserve a nice golden shower. Korin, on the other hand, was about to leave when Paul handed him the bean. “Here mate, I found sommat for ya.”
“What is it?” the kitty questioned.
Korin thought this young man was pretty hard to see. Good thing he was good looking. “I dunno, some kind of magic bean, eh? Not really my cup o’ tea.”
The kitty protagonist of this here story took the bean, and raised it to the sky. “I hereby call this bean senzu, a name that is an obscure combination of two radical kanji! Haha, take that fakers!”
“Seems like something John would write a song about. Bangers and mash, God save the Queen!”
At the mention of another hominid, Korin got scared and ran for the hills. For the next few days, Korin continued scouring the countryside, in his hitherto unannounced journey. It was a journey embarked upon because Korin Sr. said “Go my child” and named him Whiskers the Wonder Cat, but I digress. Korin was on a mission, not to find anything in particular, not even to become a great god of martial arts. He was on a journey to kill time until his father either died or was satisfied. Such was the life of a senbyo like Korin, the first of his name. As I have already mentioned, his fur was either blue or white, depending on who you talk to. He really liked it when his ears got scratched. In such cases, he was liable to yell, ‘Oh baby, baby oh, I know, oh, oh, oh! Let me take you down to my strawberry fields (where nothing is real)!’.
Korin scampered across the plains, striding like a gazelle. His pace was remarkable in how unremarkable it was. His tummy flapped with every step. He was a fat cat, a nice plump boy ready to live out his days in luxury. His one sweet dream, of eating tuna off of a stripper, came true that day (yes it did). We can’t really talk about that since this is a family-friendly story. Anyways, once Korin had bred himself dry, he continued on with his journey. Where was he going? What was he trying to accomplish? No one knows. He ran across the prairies like a mad dog, like a weather balloon drifting into Nevada on accident.
A small demon child, called Beezelbub, the first of his name, Prince of the Underworld, played Pokémon Moon on his 3DS. It was a great game in his estimation, as good as any of the other Pokémon games, which is saying a lot and nothing at all. He sat in the shade of a great oak tree that was more weed than tree, that I would need to cut down before the sun set. He saw Korin trotting through the plains, chasing field mice and bone-dry dreams, and yelled “Shee!” but it was no use, since Shee isn’t a character in this story. He stood up, sucking on a bottle of water like it was a teat, and stopped the Wonder Cat in his path.
“Hey, what’s the big deal?!” Korin screamed.
“This water’s mad, yo,” Beelzebub grunted. He put the bottle between his legs and squirted it. “I’m a squirter you pussy!”
“Ack, I’m a Wonder Cat!” Korin complained as he was splashed with a few drops of water. “Don’t get me wet, eh, heh, ayy, yeah??! Kitty doesn’t like to get wet!”
“You need some water. We all do! Curse this damn sun,” Beelzebub complained. “Why is it so hot?!”
The sun was indeed beating down upon the world with great force. The very air seemed to be boiling. It was summer, so everyone should have expected the heat, but they were retarded so they didn’t. Everything always surprised them. “What kind of water you got?” Korin asked the young demon prince slyly. “Any discounts for a legendary cat?”
“I’ve got sacred water,” the demon offered. “It’ll make whoever drinks it enlightened, stronger, and sexier! You’ll get all the ladies and understand the secrets of the universe! How cool is that? And all of these effects are guaranteed!”
“A million zeni plus tax,” the boy grinned.
“Deal!” Korin handed the thin pink demon the dough, which was of course his entire inheritance for being a god or something like that. It was remarkably coincidental that the money he had was in the same currency as the money used on Earth. “This stuff better be like Adderall on steroids.”
“It is,” said the cheeky demon boy with the pink skin and the pointy ears and the weird cape and the goggles on his forehead. He didn’t really look a demon at all, but more like the son of Majin Buu and Gohan. “If I was king of the underworld, you’d be my girl,” he assured Korin. “I take care of my girls.”
“I may be a pussy, but I’m no girl!” Korin yelled, swatting the kid across the face with his sharp claws.
Beelzebub fell back, screaming. Korin looked at his claw with wonder, realizing that he was quite a bit stronger than he had thought. The demon was crying and feeling his pretty lil face, ruined by the soon-to-be grand master of martial arts. “N-no fair… I wasn’t ready!”
“Hey, so this stuff makes me stronger, right? And all I gotta do is drink it?” Korin asked, not paying attention. When the demon nodded, he took a swig of the water, and patted his tummy. “Hey… I don’t feel any different!”
“Haha, sucker!” Beelzebub sniggered. He jumped up and began running off. “You paid a million zeni for some tap water, hahaha!”
Korin grew livid. It was the first lesson he learned on this journey, or maybe it was the fifth one. I’m not keeping count. He leapt forward and got down on all fours, racing tumbleweeds after the tricksy Beelzebub. The boy demon was as powerful as he was fast – a wily beast to be sure. He was no human, no mere mortal. Korin knew what that meant.
“Yeahahahah… kapow!!” Right into the kisser our ol’ kitty kitty flew with a kick which sent the demon sprawling into the dust.
“What’s your problem, cat?!” Beelzebub sneered. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”
“I don’t think so,” Korin said cheerfully, doing a front flip and landing right on the meaty part of the boy’s belly. “Hey, do you know which way it is to the Lookout?”
“You heard me, cape kid,” Korin said, sharpening his claws.
“I’m on vacation, you stupid cat! You think I know where everything is on this boring planet?!”
“You look like a native,” Korin observed wryly.
“That’s funny. Now are you gonna let me go?”
Korin wasn’t listening. He jumped off the demon, like a tired lion, and pointed at the tower in the distance. “Maybe that’s it. What do you think?”
“Y-yeah, sure…” Beezlebub brushed the dust from his shoulders and stood up. He took a long drink from his bottle of water before throwing it aside. “Why do you need to get there anyways?”
“I’m going to be a god or some shit.”
Korin purred in agreement. “So do you know the fastest way there, kid?”
Beezlebub looked up in annoyance and raised his middle finger to the sky as if he was about to summon a trap card. “I told you I’m on vacation!!”
Korin patted his belly. “That you did.”
The kid’s face scrunched up and then he charged Korin, fists swinging. Korin was a cat, a senbyo as everyone knows. He was born with the martial arts gene; he could do shit you’d only seen in 1980s movies. But the Prince of the Underworld was quite a skilled fighter in his own right; he was more than ten times as strong as the average human. Still, Korin kicked him aside effortlessly. He slapped that lil bitch like a sideways turkey. See him fly. See him spin through the air, his cape swishing about. See him crash and burn. See his pride? It’s right there on the ground, like a broken mirror.
“Man, you’re strong for a pussy.”
“Stop calling me that. Dragon Ball is a family-friendly production!”
“But Akira wrote me cursing all the time in my manga!”
“Shut up kid, your manga isn’t nearly as popular as Dragon Ball.”
Beezlebub bit his lip, trying to think up a retort, but he couldn’t (really that means I can’t cause I’m the writer, etc.). So he sighed and pointed at a hill ahead of them. He was tired of Korin and wanted to get rid of the devious kitty as soon as was demonly possible. “That’s the fastest way to the tower thing. I came that way this morning. There’s a river. Just follow it west, and it’ll get you to where you wanna go in no time.”
The two walked over to the hill, which took seventeen minutes. Korin got many a foxtail stuck in his mane, but he didn’t care. He was an immortal cat, yo. He was crushin’ this scene. When he saw, indeed, there was a waterway, the cat was convinced.
A waterfall was roaring from the top of the hill, emptying itself into a fast-flowing stream. The two stood on the rocks near the water’s edge, feeling the nice coolness they had forgotten since summer had come. A few palm trees grew around the waterfall, providing it and the surrounding area with shade. Korin slapped his belly and let the coolness wash over him.
“Ya did good kid, ya did good,” he said. Korin wondered how old he was, if playing the old master was a good character move for him at this moment. He was, after all, not the legendary Korin that the whole world knew about yet, but he had a sass mouth on him, and his tongue was as sour as his daddy’s lips. It is known.
Korin handed Beezlebub a treasure – Sonic ‘06 for the Nintendo Wii. It was a precious gift, a wonderful game, a magisterial present that brought tears to the soft demon’s eyes. The Prince’s weakness was video games, as Korin didn’t know at all. He was going to play the shit out of that game when he got home, but his papa would try to limit him to but a single hour a day. Parents, they never learn, never understand. What can you really do in an hour? You can’t even get the first chaos emerald. And with how long the loading screens are, Beezlebub might not even beat the first level in an hour! But I digress.
Korin didn’t want to see the emotion the boy was exuding; it made him uncomfortable in a comedy story. So he kicked Beezlebub in the stomach, sending him flying through the air until he disappeared into the sky with a twinkle. Korin wondered if the kid could fly, or survive the fall, but he didn’t care to find out. Maybe one day he would read about what happened to the demon in the news.
Then Korin ran up to the waterfall and saw a most peculiar sight. There stood a man in fancy gleaming samurai armor, stumbling about, an orange pole in his hand. He looked drunk to Korin, and he was mumbling to himself in sweet melancholic tones.
“Hey there big fella,” the kitty said, bounding up to the man.
The samurai shrieked and nearly fell into the lake. His eyes grew wide and his lip began to tremble. “I-I’m Mitsushige, the greatest Dai-Daimyo! A-and y-you-you’re… a c-c-c-cat!!!”
“I-I… p-please don’t kill m-me! It wa-wasn’t my f-fault! I’m… s-s-sorry!”
“Okay, I don’t know what you’re talking about. So this is the part where you either explain it or stop talking about it.”
“I d-don’t want to talk about it!” the man shouted.
“Well that settles that. So tell me, do you have a boat I could ride down this stream, or what?”
“N-no… please! M-make it s-s-s-stop!!!”
Korin raised his hand in a gesture of speech, but the samurai thought that was a sneaky attack. He squealed and went white. He threw the pole in the air and began to sway back and forth. A second later, he fainted, and fell face-first into the stream. The water carried Mitsushige away, and Korin wondered how long it would take for him to drown. He felt quite content just watching the man die. He seemed to be too afraid to be happy to be living. A nice death would be a miracle for that guy, Korin knew. The kitty witnessed the man’s heavy armored body soon sink below the rushing blue, never to resurface so long as Mitsushige lived.
Korin crept forward to the orange pole, wondering what it was. It was a curious tool, perhaps one for the women of the night. It certainly wasn’t what a samurai would use – Korin knew that much, at least. This was a queer device, or maybe it was for such people. It was pretty thick though, and quite long, and detestably hard. That meant it probably wasn’t a pleasure wand. He held it between his paws, looking for any sign of what it could be, but it was plain and uniformly-colored.
Just as the cat was growing bored of the pole, he waved it, and it grew in length. Now I know what you’re thinking – Korin gave it the ol’ reach around, as any good man would do. But no, that is not the case. Korin wasn’t even sure what was happening. As the pole grew longer, the kitty grew less curious and more horrified, but he found he couldn’t let go. He kept waving it, desperate to get it to stop, but it wouldn’t. It shot up, sending Korin high into the air.
He went three miles up if he went a foot, I’ll tell ya, before Korin figured out how to make the pole stop getting longer. “Hey, I like heights, but this is getting ridic!” he shouted to the clouds around him. He was such a naïve feline; clouds can’t talk. They don’t even know what a kitty is, probably never saw one in their entire lives. I’d bet a nickel on that.
When Korin shook his wrist the other way, he found that the pole became shorter, so he slowly started shortening the pole. But oh no! Disaster struck! Korin thought he had steady hands, the kind Dr. Chase would have killed for. But he didn’t. He was a wee kitten, terrified of such great heights, and even though he was immortal, he was afraid of dying. So he wiggled back and forth hopelessly, and soon, he was falling.
This is a very convenient way to get to the next part of the story. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say, as Korin was falling, his pole got shorter and shorter. Think of it like shrinkage. That’s a bit ironic though, since this was the hottest day in months; it was the start of summer, after all. There weren’t any cold pools today, no sir. Anyways, just before Korin hit the ground, where he surely would have exploded into confetti as children cheered, he thrust the pole towards the ground and used it to stop his momentum. As his body jerked forward, towards the pole, he flipped forward and let go of the orange rod, and landed on all of his feet, on the ground. It was a beautiful maneuver, easily worthy of a 9.5 from even the Russian judge.
Korin looked around. Where was he, you ask? Why, at the bottom of the tower of his dreams! In a short amount of time, he had traveled a great distance with no issues. That’s the beauty of crafting a story. I make all of this shit up as I go. At the base of the tower, Korin saw a collection of huts, tents, and tipis. He saw a bunch of humans gathered around a fire, a tall smoke column rising from the center of their group to the azure sky above. They were chanting and beating drums, and a few of them were dancing like Michael J. Fox (he has Parkinson’s).
As Korin approached them, a shaman came running over. He was in hysterics and probably drunk since this entire group was basically comprised of Dragon Ball style Native Americans. Anyways, the man was dressed up in feathers and a cape and his face was painted like he was a linebacker. He said, “Oh great cat from the sky, warrior of our prayers, save us! Help us rid our land of the demons!”
“What are you talking about?” Korin asked.
“Oh it’s terrible!” the man sobbed. “We have been plagued by evil demons for months. They’ve killed our men, taken our wives, and burned our lands! We’re finished if someone doesn’t deal with them! I saw you come from the sky, wise cat. Tell me you have come to save us! Are you not a gift from the gods?!”
“Uh sure, if that’s you want to think. So tell me about these demons,” Korin said, bored. This was probably a part of his test, so he played along.
“Look at what they have done!” the shaman lamented, pointing towards the fields on either side of the tower. Korin could see the land had been burned, with deep gashes of ash etched into the earth. There were bodies too – many bodies. Far more than there were Native Americans in this terrible tribe that would one day produce Upa, a child less popular than Hitler’s micropenis.
There were armored men, banners, spears, and strangely-adorned blue-and-green skin aliens strewn about the ground. All were dead.
“What happened?” Korin asked.
“We called in an army of samurai, but they were defeated! Every one of them died in battle! It was horrible! I’m shouting! But the demons still remain. Please, holy cat,” the man said, bowing, “save us from these demons, and we will be eternally in your debt.”
“That’s just where I want you to be,” Korin assured him. “So, uh, where are these demons, exactly?”
The man pointed up at the tower. “At the top,” he said gravely. “That’s where they’ve been staying ever since they arrived.”
Korin was a good climber, a great climber, a genius climber. He could climb that pole like a starving cockroach. The top of the tower was obscured by clouds. The demons were living in cloud city, or cloud cuckoo land, maybe. The tower was certainly quite tall, and it reminded him of a stripper’s pole, but all the same, he knew he could climb it. He had practiced for this moment all his life.
“I’ll do it,” Korin purred, slapping his belly and letting the grease roll down his chin even though he wasn’t eating anything.
Before the priest could thank Korin, a huge green frog riding a unicycle came strolling up, cruisin’ da streetz. Korin thought he was high as a kite, but he wasn’t. This was real life.
“Here come dat boi!” someone shouted.
“Oh shit, waddup!” the shaman screamed, falling over in astonishment. The frog didn’t see him and it ran him over, and he died and it was real sad and that’s the end of this section.
He climbed that kitty tower, he did. He was nice and cool; I love Korin a lot. And, oh look there he is! Look at his curled shoes, the toes go up in the air like a croissant. Look at him go! Wew lad! The old balloonman went ‘weeeee’ and jumped off the tower. He was something special, that balloon man. He made me go ‘weeeee’ in the rain and I saw the raccoon man and I wrote a poem about him for my best friend… that guy is a bitch if I ever saw one.
They were playing poker when he found them, which is a truly detestable game. I hate it and I love it, but that is neither there nor hair. A bunch of demons were sitting around the table at the top of cloud city. They were smoking cigars and drinking pineapple vodka and having a swell time (by that I mean certain parts of their bodies were quite swollen). Korin didn't like that at all. He fuckin hated these fuckers.
“Die demons,” kitty said. Kitty’s a nice kitty. “I kill you!”
“We aren’t demons!” one of the green-and-blue skinned aliens said, standing up with all his agitation (which was quite extensive, my god). “We are the Makyan Superior Race! Bow before us, infidel!”
“Fancy talk, you lil bitch,” Korin winked. “You guys are evil, so I’ll kill you.”
The big one stood up and began sweating real bad. “I’m Shallot, father of Garlic.” He held up his small child, who was a blue-skinned pointy-eared monstrosity who reminded Korin of Beezlebub, god rest his soul. He was like the baboon at the start of The Lion King, and he held lil Garlic up for all to see, but not even one of them was impressed or gave even two pence of a fuck. Then he threw Garlic over the side of the tower, and that baby flew, weeee.
Korin didn’t have time to think about what was going on. He said, “You need to stop attacking the people of Earth, or I’ll make you pay.”
“Fat chance!” said the Makyan known as Shallot. “We hurt lots of people, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We love it, it makes me cum buckets when I do it.”
“Okay, but that means I’ll have to kill you.”
“Don’t you know it’s gonna be alright?!” a Makyan in the background shouted, that interrupting fucker.
Shallot limped over to Korin, holding an ancient wooden walking stick. “What are you doing up here, fat cat? Can’t you see this is Makyan territory? I don’t like you intruding upon us. Yer a meanieface bitchmcgee.”
“This is my new home,” Korin explained. “Papa told me to come here, so I did, and now you guys gotta leave or else.”
“Or else what?”
“Or else I’ll do to you what the spring does to the cherry tree.”
Shallot’s face went purple with fury. “Take that back, common house cat!”
“I’m not a house cat, I’m a senbyo,” Korin said carelessly, “and you’re standing in my way.”
“You are a stupid cat,” Shallot observed. His animals came up behind him to form their ranks. “You cannot hope to beat all of us.”
“Ya I can,” Korin said carelessly.
“Why you little pussy,” retorted the fearsome Makyan alien monstrosity of many muscles and a thick neck.
“Don’t you know it’s gonna be alright?” Korin said to them, grinning. He took out the samurai’s pole and pointed it at them, flicking his wrist.
An orange flash followed by an alien scream echoed a dozen times until it was only Korin, Shallot, and one other Makyan who wasn’t taken out yet because there’s a joke involving him that I haven’t got to yet. So the last remaining Makyan of unnamed origin, stepped forward. He was a big guy, who looked like he was gonna kick the shit out of Korin, which often happens in Dragon Ball. The big guy is always easily defeated by the protagonist, though.
“I’m gonna be about animal cruelty,” said the Makyan grunt, bless his heart. He’s weak and won’t amount to anything, but don’t tell him that. “I’m a man, I’m a treasure trove,” he said angrily. “What’s my name? I’m MC Rove!”
With that, the big Makyan baby butterface McJenkins McGee rushed at Korin. Korin was a wizard of Martial Arts, even in his young age. He swiped that guy with fury swipes, and bam, the Makyan went dead, dead, deader, and died off the side of the tower, and he fell that niġġa did, see ya!
Then it was Korin and Shallot, two left to fight for the future of the universe!! You know how Dragon Ball fights go on forever, with the peeps powering up for half an episode, then throwing one punch, then a cliffhanger? Well not in my fan fiction god damnit. Fuck Akira, he’s a bitch who likes to watch men grunt. Korin’s a doer, not a power-upper. He hit that bitch, he did. He got Shallot right in the face, right in his pretty nose, which was as pointy as Bill Clinton’s penile instrument. Shallot screamed, he screamed like he wanted ice cream or maybe some Nubian puse. Look at Korin go; he shot the guy with a vicious punch of a martial arts master! He’s like Bruce Lee playing ping pong. Bam, he hit him in the face. He use the pole to probe the Makyan like an alien. Poor Shallot. He was the grandfather of Garlic Jr., a very important filler villain. That’s all he contributes to this universe really. Rip. So Shallot goes bye bye, look at him fly, his curly toes and ears, weee.
Shallot sailed off the side of the tower, but Korin was not done. He’s a kitty, a predator, a navy seal. He hit that fat blue bitch hard in the stomach. He made Shallot scream. He made Shallot into the woman of the relationship. Shallot spit up blood, tried to punch the kitty, but Korin was too quick. One time, the Makyan yelled, ‘Here kitty kitty’, and Korin came.
“Hello everyone, I am here,” said Korin.
Korin knocked Shallot over. Shallot dropped his fancy walking stick, and the poker cards flew in the air. The poor Makyan was destined for greatness, but this senbyo kitty kitty had other plans. He grabbed the snake demon by the face and threw him off the tower. Like his son, like the other Makyans, he turned out to be nothing more than a useless sack of baby testicles. Shallot fell, that niġġa did, and he splatted on the ground to rip in piece forevermore.
“GG,” said Korin, and he picked up Shallot’s walking stick. “A shallot is the nearest relative to garlic, ha! I impress myself everyday!” The kitty began to purr.
He was a young kitty, an animal who did not need a walking stick, but he used it anyways because one day he would be a wise master of Yunkai. Korin was purring like Diablo, who is my brother’s kitten. Diablo is a dumb name for such a sweet kitty, who is much like Korin. Korin didn’t have to work for anything. He was born that way. He gonna knock some heads together; he’s a cool cat who can throw some punches like Jet Li, holla at my boi.
Korin walked up to the side of the tower, and stared down at the ground far below. He wondered what it would feel like to fall from there. Probably like an egg with emphysema. Then, he walked over to a nearby table, swiped all the poker chips and vodka bottles from it, and brought a little pot with soil he’d found in the corner over to it. Then he took out the bean Faul had given him.
“Heh, I wonder if this’ll grow into some beans a guy named Goku will eat in the future, which will heal him of all injuries instantly. That would be nuts, but this is Dragon Ball, so anything is possible. Haha, what a guy.”
He looked up and saw the sun setting. The Native Americans would owe him bigtime. He fondled the pole between his fingers, wondering how long it could get. “That’s silly,” he said to no one. “This ain’t no Tokyo dome. This is a canon story.”
Korin nodded, agreeing with himself. He was quite an impressive puse in his own eyes. He was a great cat, and he wondered how big his belly could get. He looked around the tower, trying to see if there was any food for him to engorge himself upon. “One day I’ll live with a cowardly samurai up here, because Akira is a dummy and lacks any foresight.”
The wind blew, skirling and uncontrollably. Korin purred in response. He felt the pole, and thought that maybe it could be a pleasure wand after all. He sat in Shallot’s seat, and looked at what the Makyan’s poker cards had been – a deuce and a four. He laughed, thinking to himself what a bluffer that alien had been. Korin was a senbyo, a god, a cat of regal disposition. He liked his tummy rubbed and even enjoyed when that spot behind his ears was tickled lightly. He stood up again, dropped the pole and Shallot’s walking stick, and stalked off deeper into the tower.
“There’s gotta be some catnip in here,” he spoke, his voice echoing in the emptiness. “This hurt me a lot, now I want to feel good, etc.”
Suffice to say, Korin did not find any catnip, for he was the first cat to ever ascend to that tower. But he did find a Jenna Haze legacy Fleshlight, and, in his estimation, that was just as good. Like my friend, Mr. Q, Korin then proceeded to mate with the Haze machine for untold hours, until he had, once again, bred himself dry.
Endnotes[edit | edit source]
- Cool Cat is an existing euphemism in English. I thought it was appropriate for the confidence Korin gains as he goes through his journey here. The alliteration is also nice. This was one of the last names I came up for for The Heels of the Unknown, and it's relatively simple. I think the name is very similar to I'm a Candy Man. It has that same kind of semi-over-the-top swagger to it, which I like, although I think this story is named better than the previous comedy story in The Heels of the Unknown.
- The story's first section is longer than either I'm a Candy Man or A Shadow on the Wind. Still, overall, though this story is the second-longest in the collection, it is not nearly as long as it was going to be at one point.
- The prose in this story is very casual, which is a symptom of me writing while drunk.
- Whiskers the Wondercat is the name of Korin in the Harmony Gold dub. It's a ridiculous name, worthy of this story. Also, as I was writing out the beginning of this story, I realized that I could have him gain the name Korin later on, or have it become prominent later on, which allowed me to start off with this far more absurd name.
- The starchild stuff is basically me calling Korin an ancient alien, which he is, to be honest. He's super old, comes from some place that is not Earth, and is decidedly not human.
- In the original draft of this story, I didn't have Korin's father send him on a mission to go to The Lookout. He was just going to be sent to Earth, and he would find The Lookout himself. That plot is too unwieldy, so I changed it to what it is now. The destiny of Korin's position is cool, as is the fact that his father knows best for him, while Korin has no idea what going to The Lookout will accomplish. It's cool to see Korin as a newbie for once, instead of being the wise old master that he is for all of Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z.
- Korin's position is also left deliberately ambiguous. His father wants him to be the gateway between humans and gods, so does that mean that Korin isn't actually a god? Or is he a quasi-god? Like a Seventh Generation God, or something similar? Dunno, and that's not something that I will probably ever go into further.
- Korin's father is being a bit of a trickster (it runs in the family!) when he has Korin "journey" to the tower. When he says it'll be long and difficult, that is mostly sarcasm, as my original concept for this story was much grander and longer, and more akin to a story the length of Spindlerun: The Tale of Yajirobe than a one-shot. Still, Korin does go on a journey in this one-shot, and the readers must remember that although this is a comedy story, it's still canon to my universe. Korin's journey is important for him finding out who he is as well as preparing to become the guy who just sits around underneath The Lookout growing senzu beans with a wonderful samurai companion.
- It's definitely true that Dragon Ball Wiki calls Korin a Senbyo, but what exactly is a Senbyo? Some kind of Cat God? There's no legitimate information about what a Senbyo actually is on the entire internet, as far as I could tell, hence that comment from Korin's father.
- Korin looks better with white fur, even if that's an anime construction.
- The field of wild lavender is a reference to this story's seasonal flowers, which is an aspect of the Japanese tea ceremony.
- In the original draft, Korin wasn't able to see The Lookout when he arrived on Earth, but I thought it would be better if he did during the final edits. It's nice foreshadowing and also shows that his journey isn't meant to be super long.
- The informality of Korin's father sending him away to sort of lord over Earth was done on purpose. Of course, it's funny, but beyond that, I didn't want to get too specific on who exactly Korin's father is - if he's a god or something similar. That could cause headaches down the road if that's ever revealed in canon, so I mostly ignored the specifics.
- Korin chasing flies and meowing softly as he does so is a reference to one of my own cats, who does that exact same thing.
- "But one time Korin came upon a raven sitting in the field, munching on the brain of a scarecrow who wore a shirt that said ‘crows before hoes’. When Korin tried to eat the raven who was eating the scarecrow, the bird said, “Corn, corn, corn!”" - the shirt is a reference to a Jon Snow Game of Thrones t-shirt I own. The raven yelling "corn" is another reference to the A Song of Ice and Fire universe, specifically to Lord Commander Mormont's raven. Mormont's raven is always shouting "corn" in the series, so it was a nice parallel here, especially since Korin's name sounds similar to corn. It was a lucky coincidence that I exploited fully to give Korin his name in a very unnecessary, roundabout way. Funny stuff.
- "Then he ate the bird, even though it tried to scream ‘Snow!’, but that didn’t impress Korin, it just made him purr like Cosmo in the bushes." - Cosmo is the name of my friend's cat. Mormont's raven also screams "snow" a few times in the A Song of Ice and Fire series, probably referring to Jon Snow in some sort of prophetic declaration. And yet, Korin doesn't listen to that jive nonsense and eats the raven up. The irreverency coupled with Korin's reckless boldness is just about as far as I could take this comedically without making it non-canon.
- I was on a Jim Gaffigan fix when I wrote this story. I had been a fan of him for many years, but out of nowhere, a few days before writing this story, I began re-watching a bunch of his old videos. "There was a fat man, a veritable tub o’ lard, rolling a monstrous cinnabun up the hill, its frosting oozing out like a Brazilian finger pie." - this quote also refers to the cinnabun joke that Gaffigan makes in one of his specials and portrays him as similar to Sisyphus. As to why I did that, I had recently been listening to Wind in Our Sail by Weezer, which mentions Sisyphus in the bridge. The Brazillian finger pie part was a reference to Penny Lane by the Beatles. One of the lyrics in that song refers to "finger pies", which is British slang for fingerbanging a girl, I think.
- "He cursed all the gods, the old ones and the new, and fled that horrible scene." - this is an A Song of Ice and Fire reference.
- "Korin the cat, who was legendary and a holo, galloped onwards." - back when holos meant something, of course.
- "It was blue agave central ‘round these parts, and the kitten was thirsty for some tequila, but he was too young for that." - this part came about because there are huge agave plants in my town, and my friend and I were discussing how one could make tequila from such a shaggy bush. So that was on my mind when I was writing this.
- "The sun was hot that day, my friends, like a leper trying to massage a bikini model." - this is a reference to this.
- "He inspected the ground where winged men grew and even guys like Dourada were watering themselves." - I believe the reference to Dourada is a reference to EpicMafia, but I'm not certain.
- "The man known as Paul ‘perfectionus tectonis australopithecus’ McCartney, stepped forward, and plucked a bean off the sprout. “I never give you my number, haha,” Paul wheezed. “She tried to come in through the bathroom window, but I’m too smart for that. One time I had to go in through my neighbor’s bathroom window when she locked herself out of her house, but haha she’s dead now.” It was a magical feeling, akin to Zarbon having a fancy date dinner in a humanesque restaurant, but that’s a story for side two of Abbey Road." - Paul's nickname was a drunken improv'd line, referencing the Biological Anthropology class I was taking at the time I was writing this story. The reference to the Beatles is of course significant in and of itself, as I've done that in a few stories of mine. I believe a Paul McCartney song has also appeared in A Soundless Dark. I'm not sure if any other Beatles have appeared in canon. Anyways, there are several lyrical references to songs on Abbey Road, my favorite album of the Beatles. I would go on to reference Abbey Road again extensively in The Adventures of Beerus and Whis...IN SPACE!. Beyond that, the tale about me crawling through my (now dead) neighbor's bathroom because she locked herself out of her house is absolutely true. Also interesting for me personally to note that I wrote I didn't care. That is definitely true. The Zarbon thing is a nod to Two, a story by Destructivedisk. It's one of my least-favorite stories of his. I have often poked fun at that one in particular.
- "Korin thought this young man was pretty hard to see. Good thing he was good looking." - another cheeky Beatles reference.
- The "senzu" kanji in Japanese indeed form a rather obscure construct together.
- It's interesting how the beanstalk came up out of nowhere, after Korin relieved himself in the dirt. It's like he has godly powers or something. But seriously, it was funny to give a semi-ambiguous, semi-jokey presentation of a senzu bean origin story. My god, look how far we've come.
- "“Seems like something John would write a song about. Bangers and mash, God save the Queen!”" - this is a bit of a me mocking Pauly boy a bit, particularly the last sentence. Sometimes John can be too obscure, but sometimes Paul can be too sterile.
- "At the mention of another hominid, Korin got scared and ran for the hills." - this is a reference to Tane from No Way Out.
- "It was a journey embarked upon because Korin Sr. said “Go my child” and named him Whiskers the Wonder Cat, but I digress." - this is a good example of how I write when drunk. This line looks largely unedited from whenever I originally wrote it.
- "Korin was on a mission, not to find anything in particular, not even to become a great god of martial arts. He was on a journey to kill time until his father either died or was satisfied. Such was the life of a senbyo like Korin, the first of his name. As I have already mentioned, his fur was either blue or white, depending on who you talk to. He really liked it when his ears got scratched. In such cases, he was liable to yell, ‘Oh baby, baby oh, I know, oh, oh, oh! Let me take you down to my strawberry fields (where nothing is real)!’. " - I would do plot-satire like this later on in The Adventures of Beerus and Whis...IN SPACE!, which is interesting, because it shows there's little difference between my drunk and high humor, perhaps. The ending has some Patchface vibes as well as a quick reference to "Strawberry Fields" by the Beatles.
- "His one sweet dream, of eating tuna off of a stripper, came true that day (yes it did)." - there's a reference to another Beatles song, "You Never Give Me Your Money", which does indeed appear on Abbey Road.
- "We can’t really talk about that since this is a family-friendly story. Anyways, once Korin had bred himself dry, he continued on with his journey. Where was he going? What was he trying to accomplish? No one knows. He ran across the prairies like a mad dog, like a weather balloon drifting into Nevada on accident." - perhaps this is a bit of an exaggeration. I'm not sure he actually bred himself dry, but he might've gotten himself some pussy while he was eloping.
- Beelzebub was a character I was excited to explore a bit in this story. I did some research on him before beginning this story, even reading several chapters of his manga. He's a really cool and useful character for this story, so I was careful to add him in an important way. I was exploring this character I like I first explored Kuriza in Monster in my 2015 one-shot collection, and I think this is similar with a borderline canon character (both of whom are in fact canon). But yeah, the part with Beelzebub was really fun to write.
- I gave Beelzebub Pokemon Moon instead of Sun because he's the Prince of the Underworld.
- "It was a great game in his estimation, as good as any of the other Pokémon games, which is saying a lot and nothing at all." - that's basically my opinion of any Pokemon game, except for the fact that every successive generation of Pokemon has gotten worse, design-wise, since Gen 1. But I digress.
- "He sat in the shade of a great oak tree that was more weed than tree, that I would need to cut down before the sun set." - this is based on my real life, where me, my friend, and his dad cut down a bunch of trees in their backyard, including a grand oak tree. It was a lot of work, but I don't believe we actually cut all the trees down until after I wrote this story. That was still just a future goal when I wrote about it in the above prose.
- As any reader of Beelzebub's story knows, water is a precious thing in his world. The picture of him drinking a bottle he stole from the evil water people was in my mind, imprinted like a living picture, when I wrote him into the story. I had to write it down.
- That squirter joke was mad, yo. Such a trickster.
- "“Ack, I’m a Wonder Cat!” Korin complained as he was splashed with a few drops of water. “Don’t get me wet, eh, heh, ayy, yeah??! Kitty doesn’t like to get wet!”" - this was me showing a bit of Korin's more grouchy side. He doesn't show it too much here when he's young, but the buds of his wise old master personality are there.
- "“You need some water. We all do! Curse this damn sun,” Beelzebub complained. “Why is it so hot?!”" - I believe a few lines of dialogue from Beelzebub's first chapter in his manga appear here.
- The focus on the heat and the sun was to bring focus to the summer aesthetic of this story, which didn't have much prominence in Down the Well-Worn Road.
- It was fun to come up with a backstory behind the sacred water too. That tied into Beelzebub's water theme well.
- "If I was king of the underworld, you’d be my girl" - that is a reference to this.
- Ah the good old trickster moral. That was an intentional moment of teaching for Korin; he imitates Beelzebub's trick in the future when he pulls the same sacred water routine on both Master Roshi and Goku. So we can see how he's grown from these moments in canon. But yeah, in general, this was a fun trope to deal with simply because of how well using demon trickery worked with explaining something in canon. Also, that thing about that maybe being the fifth lesson Korin had learned on his journey is closer to truth than fiction.
- Even though Beelzebub is amazingly powerful, Korin fells him easily. This was done to show Korin is no pushover, and of course for comedic effect too.
- Having one sass mouth arguing with another is about as good as it gets in dialogue. Beelzebub can't quite match Korin's wit, which is interesting. Even at his young age, Korin has a deft mind, and a sharp tongue.
- Poor vacationing prince. But that was the easiest way to keep his appearance canon.
- So many pussy jokes. More than I remembered, at least.
- I don't really get Toriyama. Is he writing for kids or is he not? He sometimes gets really serious, has graphic fights, and has his characters curse. And then he produces really young-humor shit. I wonder what's wrong with him.
- The coolness of the water is no accident. That oasis of sorts is meant to be a reprieve from the summer deserts experienced thus far. It's a bit of a reward for Korin, for making it this far.
- "He was, after all, not the legendary Korin that the whole world knew about yet, but he had a sass mouth on him, and his tongue was as sour as his daddy’s lips." - the end of this is a reference to my favorite Dr. Brule moment.
- Already, Korin is coming into his own, and by the point he comes to the river, he's definitely thinking being a wise old martial arts master is for him.
- "Korin handed Beezlebub a treasure – Sonic ‘06 for the Nintendo Wii. It was a precious gift, a wonderful game, a magisterial present that brought tears to the soft demon’s eyes. The Prince’s weakness was video games, as Korin didn’t know at all. He was going to play the shit out of that game when he got home, but his papa would try to limit him to but a single hour a day. Parents, they never learn, never understand. What can you really do in an hour? You can’t even get the first chaos emerald. And with how long the loading screens are, Beezlebub might not even beat the first level in an hour! But I digress." - this paragraph definitely only happened because I was drunk. Either way, it's a cruel joke to gift someone with Sonic 06, and I love that game. The thing about Dabura limiting Beelzebub's video game time per day is also something that happened in Beelzebub's manga, so I referenced here.
- "Korin didn’t want to see the emotion the boy was exuding; it made him uncomfortable in a comedy story. So he kicked Beezlebub in the stomach, sending him flying through the air until he disappeared into the sky with a twinkle. Korin wondered if the kid could fly, or survive the fall, but he didn’t care to find out. Maybe one day he would read about what happened to the demon in the news." - oh my sweet, innocent Korin, how numb you already are. Beelzebub's exit is a reference to the famous one-per-episode exits of Team Rocket in the Pokemon anime.
- The samurai with the power pole was something I came up with in between days 1 and 2 of writing this story. Before I began writing for the second day, I decided upon having the samurai with the power pole wandering about. This ties this story to the previous one and introduces a new lore story about the samurai and Makyan wars. These wars only exist in this collection, meaning I have not referenced them at any point before The Heels of the Unknown. Still these ancient conflicts (considering when Korin's story is taking place) are consistent with the Dragon Ball universe and with my own additions to it, so I went ahead with it. I don't know what role, if any, the Makyan wars will have in the future of my universe, though, but it was cool to see something so historic and tragic going on in this story. Having such a dark component in a comedy story was a deliberate decision of mine to color these comedies a bit and give them higher stakes, which I felt was lacking from I'm a Candy Man (though that's its charm in many ways).
- Nabeshima Mitsushige is an ancient Japanese samurai daimyo. He was the basis for the Mitsushige in this story. The thing about being afraid of cats came from something, but I don't remember exactly what. It was either Japanese people were scared of cats back when samurai were common, or samurai were, but I can't find the page I saw that on, so I don't remember exactly where it came from. Thematically though, his fear extends beyond being a simple reference to something else.
- I didn't elaborate on Mitsushige's story at this juncture, allowing context clues to highlight what happened to him. Clearly, he's a daimyo who led a samurai force against the Makyans and lost... badly. Like so badly that he's the only survivor. How he escaped at all is a wonder.
- Korin allowing that man to die was cold, but definitely in-line with how he'd deal with a (perceived) villain, especially considering how raw he is. He's not even stepped foot in The Lookout yet!
- Using the power pole to transport Korin to The Lookout was a nifty move, and not one I planned on doing originally. Originally, he was going to just swim down the river, but this was a cooler option I came up with when I got to that part of the story, so I used the power power idea instead.
- It's good that Korin likes heights, given how high up The Lookout is. That's a nice piece of foreshadowing when he's on the power pole. He may be close to the height of The Lookout. He's getting a stark look at his future.
- Dr. Chase absolutely has steady hands. He loves cutting people up. Alas that Korin was not up to his level.
- The consequence of doing a comedy story is that I can get away with stuff like this: "This is a very convenient way to get to the next part of the story. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say, as Korin was falling, his pole got shorter and shorter." and "Korin looked around. Where was he, you ask? Why, at the bottom of the tower of his dreams! In a short amount of time, he had traveled a great distance with no issues. That’s the beauty of crafting a story. I make all of this shit up as I go.".
- "They were chanting and beating drums, and a few of them were dancing like Michael J. Fox (he has Parkinson’s)." - I love this joke. The needless reminder that he has Parkinson's is the best part.
- So in terms of why the Makyans are even in the story, I needed a foe for Korin to fight and beat to "reach" The Lookout. This was a unique and exciting way to accomplish that in my opinion. It also allowed me to reveal lore of the various samurai/Makyan wars in the text. Makyans are just cool. I've always wanted to write about them, and this was a chance to really dig into them for the first time.
- Perhaps Korin Sr. sent the Makyans to Earth just to test his son. And all the stuff that comes after... with Garlic and Garlic Jr. and the Dragons of the Dawn (well that last one is a spoiler, but still)... to think that perhaps none of that was intended is quite shocking.
- "“Please, holy cat,” the man said, bowing, “save us from these demons, and we will be eternally in your debt.” “That’s just where I want you to be,” Korin assured him." - this made me laugh. I forgot about that part.
- "The demons were living in cloud city, or cloud cuckoo land, maybe." - this is a reference to "Like Spinning Plates" by Radiohead, as well as to The Empire Strikes Back.
- I wonder why Korin slaps his belly so much.
- That meme joke was added in mainly because I was drunk, and it was my favorite meme at the time. It certainly surreal-izes this story a bit... perhaps a bit too much. It's a really funny moment still.
- "The frog didn’t see him and it ran him over, and he died and it was real sad and that’s the end of this section." - I had a similar line in The Adventures of Beerus and Whis...IN SPACE! about those blue-skinned grub people. It's funny in how reckless the the nihilism and moral numbness is in the prose.
- So the Native Americans were a bit of a problem - I didn't want to deal with them, but I had to. Korin had to learn about the demons, so he would have someone to fight against and a reason to fight. But I hate the Native Americans in Dragon Ball. It's no secret that Upa is my third least-favorite character in the entire Dragon Ball universe, despite him having such a minor role. So I didn't want to waste any time on those boring fuckers. As it ended up, I worked my anger out on them by having the frog roll the shaman over and kill him savagely (it was an accident though, so it's okay).
- "He climbed that kitty tower, he did. He was nice and cool; I love Korin a lot. And, oh look there he is! Look at his curled shoes, the toes go up in the air like a croissant. Look at him go! Wew lad! The old balloonman went ‘weeeee’ and jumped off the tower. He was something special, that balloon man. He made me go ‘weeeee’ in the rain and I saw the raccoon man and I wrote a poem about him for my best friend… that guy is a bitch if I ever saw one." - this long rambling paragraph is mostly a reference to this.
- The Makyans drink pineapple vodka because that's what I drank to write this story.
- In my head, I had this image of the Makyans playing poker, based on the Gremlins doing so in Gremlins. It is a great aesthetic moment to me when Korin discovers them in the heat of their mature hedonism.
- I asked my friend what he thought was the closest relative to garlic, and he said shallots, so that was the name of Garlic's father in this story.
- The Makyans seeking to maintain their purity is no throw-away line.
- Korin hates the Makyans for what they have done; he wants to make them hurt as much as he can. He knows this is his final test, so he won't hold back. That was something I tried very hard to get across in the prose.
- "You guys are evil, so I’ll kill you." - if only things were so simple.
- I think Shallot was trying to save Garlic. He didn't want the boy to get hurt so he threw him off the skyscraper. I think either Garlic can fly with ki or by some other means, because Shallot isn't doing that randomly.
- The image of him holding his young son like the baboon holds Simba at the start of The Lion King was a vivid image in my mind when I wrote this part.
- Shallot is more heinous than I remember him being. Saying he'll cum buckets is definitely only something I would have him say if I were writing drunk.
- "“Don’t you know it’s gonna be alright?!” a Makyan in the background shouted, that interrupting fucker." - this reference to Cool Cat's theme song is not forced at all.
- The cane that Shallot is walking with ends up being the cane that Korin uses as a walking stick throughout the rest of his life.
- "“Or else I’ll do to you what the spring does to the cherry tree.”" - this is a rather gross reference to Pablo Neruda.
- "“I’m not a house cat, I’m a senbyo,” Korin said carelessly, “and you’re standing in my way.”" - this is a really cool line. I believe it's also referencing Euron Greyjoy killing his brother in Game of Thrones.
- I was extremely drunk during the second section. Re-reading it now, that is clear as day. Things were barely held together during that last section. The dialogue especially is right on the border of canon/funny and non-canon.
- "“I’m gonna be about animal cruelty,” said the Makyan grunt, bless his heart. He’s weak and won’t amount to anything, but don’t tell him that. “I’m a man, I’m a treasure trove,” he said angrily. “What’s my name? I’m MC Rove!”" - okay so this... this is something I didn't remember was even in this story until I just re-read it right now. It must've been on the last night I was drunk and finishing up this story that I somehow stumbled across the MC Rove video. Somehow, I'd never seen this before, and I thought it was very funny. That last Makyan whom I saved from Korin's wrath was saved just to make that joke. As I said before, I was very drunk at that point, and the story was screaming to an endpoint. This Makyan was the last thing standing in the way, and I do think he went out with a bang of a joke before ushering in the ending.
- In general, I really pushed that last section to be completed as quickly as possible, because of the absurd length of the first section (it was longer than I had hoped). Thus, everyone is dealt with very quickly when Korin fights them with the power pole. I spent more time on Korin vs. Shallot, but I didn't want it to be too dramatic of a fight, as this is primarily a comedic story.
- Fury Swipes is a move Meowth can learn in the Pokemon games.
- "Then it was Korin and Shallot, two left to fight for the future of the universe!! You know how Dragon Ball fights go on forever, with the peeps powering up for half an episode, then throwing one punch, then a cliffhanger? Well not in my fan fiction god damnit. Fuck Akira, he’s a bitch who likes to watch men grunt. Korin’s a doer, not a power-upper. He hit that bitch, he did. He got Shallot right in the face, right in his pretty nose, which was as pointy as Bill Clinton’s penile instrument. Shallot screamed, he screamed like he wanted ice cream or maybe some Nubian puse. Look at Korin go; he shot the guy with a vicious punch of a martial arts master! He’s like Bruce Lee playing ping pong. Bam, he him in the face. He use the pole to probe the Makyan like an alien. Poor Shallot. He was the grandfather of Garlic Jr., a very important filler villain. That’s all he contributes to this universe really. Rip. So Shallot goes bye bye, look at him fly, his curly toes and ears, weee." - well, what can I say? I was drunk. I don't remember writing this. Really witty sentence flow, though. And of course, the point being raised is one I must agree with, since it was me who said it in the first place. Akira Toriyama is a bitch for having his fights get prolonged so much, having everyone power up endlessly. I really picked up the pace here, showing how to end a fight cleanly, quickly, and humorously. I don't think Toriyama has the ability to write anything like that paragraph. He doesn't have a sense of plot flow or pacing. That's one of his biggest weaknesses and one of the biggest weaknesses of Dragon Ball Z. Definitely something I addressed here, near the climax of this story. That was no accident, I'm sure, but as I don't remember writing this paragraph, I can't say for certain.
- "Shallot sailed off the side of the tower, but Korin was not done. He’s a kitty, a predator, a navy seal. He hit that fat blue bitch hard in the stomach. He made Shallot scream. He made Shallot into the woman of the relationship." - lol. Again, I don't remember writing this, but it's funny. It's like I'm reading this story for the first time and yet, at the same time, as I'm reading it, I'm understanding most of the plot, character, prose, and comedic decisions as if I wrote them myself. This is cool.
- "Shallot spit up blood, tried to punch the kitty, but Korin was too quick. One time, the Makyan yelled, ‘Here kitty kitty’, and Korin came. “Hello everyone, I am here,” said Korin." - again, I must say this is brilliant and quite unique. I don't remember writing it, but it's top quality stuff, in my opinion.
- So Shallot died because he couldn't fly. That just makes all the Makyans that much more badass that they couldn't fly, yet climbed a super-high tower anyway for the heck of it. They did what only the peak human martial artists could do on a whim. And yet, in the end, they could not fly. They weren't strong enough, not like Garlic, who's destined for greatness. It's like Broly and Paragus. Garlic is just much stronger than his father. Or maybe he didn't fly away; maybe he fell and would have died, but something or someone saved his life (maybe he landed on Upa's great great great great great great great great great great grandmother, but unfortunately, he didn't kill her before she continued on her line to produce Upa).
- Korin picking up the walking stick is the moment he decides to be the person he will become. Yeah, he's been sort of just drifting through this story carelessly. But he fought the Makyans, and he eradicated a major stronghold of their kingdom (but they would not be mostly killed out for several hundred more years, I think - several armies would persist until at least Garlic's defeat). He fulfilled the test his father gave him, and now in a moment of real seriousness, he picks up that walking stick. Yeah, Korin's not taking it entirely seriously, and he's not acting as one would expect a wise old god to, but he's not old yet, and he might not be a god. Who knows. All I know is that that kitty just went on a journey that certainly enlightened him more to the state of the world. Now he can empathize with the humans because he saw what the Makyans did to them. See how convenient that is? Once again, I must wonder if the Makyans were compelled to Earth somehow by Korin's father.
- I love Diablo. He's a great, mellow kitty. He's nothing like Korin, but he was around as I wrote this story, and in fact, he's been around most of today too, as I've written this commentary. Dude is chill as Beelzebub in a water park.
- "Korin didn’t have to work for anything. He was born that way. He gonna knock some heads together; he’s a cool cat who can throw some punches like Jet Li, holla at my boi." - I don't remember writing this, and I also don't know what this means or is referring to. For once, I am truly lost. Of note is the fact that the name of this story is mentioned in those lines of prose, so that's cool. Previously, I thought only A Shadow on the Wind mentioned its own name in its prose, but I guess not.
- "“Heh, I wonder if this’ll grow into some beans a guy named Goku will eat in the future, which will heal him of all injuries instantly. That would be nuts, but this is Dragon Ball, so anything is possible. Haha, what a guy.”" - while this is overtly comedic, the greater message - that senzu beans are cheap and a bad idea - should not be lost. Senzu beans often are, to be fair. Not always, but more often than not, using one is bullshit. Suddenly, all of the good guy's power is restored (a bad guy never gets a senzu bean, how convenient!), like nothing happened? It's about as cheap a plot device as can exist in a universe. I don't hate senzus, and I've used them a few times in my stories, but the point remains that the concept of a senzu bean is not so good.
- "“One day I’ll live with a cowardly samurai up here, because Akira is a dummy and lacks any foresight.”" - this second section is quite brutal, and this was another stinging criticism of Akira Toriyama. Or maybe not. Maybe it's just a joke not meant to be taken too seriously and I actually like the Korin/Yajirobe dynamic. Either way, a pattern is emerging. This style of joke is one I use often, and I don't think I can express how much I adore lines like this without it getting uncomfortable.
- "He sat in Shallot’s seat, and looked at what the Makyan’s poker cards had been – a deuce and a four. He laughed, thinking to himself what a bluffer that alien had been." - really cool moment here. Should not be overlooked in its thematic significance.
- Ah, the eternal quest for pleasure. A central theme of this collection is this idea of sacrificing immediate pleasure for greater long term personal gains. It's hard to have that foresight and the discipline to enact it. It's very difficult. I know from experience. Here, the young Korin barely knows what he's getting into, for as the years progress, he's going to essentially revel in lazy relaxation and eating and all that stuff. He basically never has to do anything because of his position, but I wanted to show that there's a part of his personality too that made him how he is. It's not just his place in life. That felt too safe, too predictable. Korin is a flawed character, like all the rest. If he is a god - especially if he is a god - it should be worthy of awareness that he is not perfect, that he is not full of virtues and empty of desires. That is not the case at all. Korin's journey was never about just crowing him the guy who sits under The Lookout growing senzu beans. He's the protagonist of his own life, just as we all are the protagonists of our own lives. That was the most important thing for me to show in regards to his character. He's trying to find tranquility, trying to please his father and become who he was supposed to. But his personality is shaping a large portion of his image, and his carefree persistence is cool to see. But at the end of it all, here we come again to the catnip. Korin wants it; he wants something to help him feel good. Perhaps this was me commenting on my own short stint with heavy drinking. I didn't like the drinking part. I liked being drunk. There's a trade-off: you can't get that super-good feeling without the disgusting taste of alcohol and the potential hangover the next morning. So too, I think, Korin must be careful chasing pleasure too obsessively.
- "Suffice to say, Korin did not find any catnip, for he was the first cat to ever ascend to that tower. But he did find a Jenna Haze legacy Fleshlight, and, in his estimation, that was just as good. Like my friend, Mr. Q, Korin then proceeded to mate with the Haze machine for untold hours, until he had, once again, bred himself dry." - the stuff about the fleshlight (and the specific model) and my friend are things based in reality. There's a cyclical nature to sexual desire. It builds, peaks, plateaus, and builds again. It's a good metaphor for renewal, regeneration, infinity, and stuff like that. And I think it's good for this story too. I'd like to think Korin isn't the first mythical creature sent to a planet with sentient beings, with the express, single order of watching over them. Despite Korin indulging himself in pleasure, perhaps to an absurd degree, one must never forget that when things matter - when he had to face down the Makyans - Korin is all business, all the time. He's like that in canon, and in a broad sense, he's like that here too, albeit a bit more rough around the edges due to his lack of experience and young age, in comparison to where he ends up later.
I like this story. It's funny, random, interesting, unique, and has an oddball spirit worthy of Korin. The most meaningful contribution of Cool Cat, I think, is its introduction of the Makyan war with the samurai, something that may become prominent in unique ways in yet-to-be-completed stories of mine. Korin's characterization is funny and subtle, and it was very cool to explore the origins behind some of the famous things Korin owns too, such as his walking stick, the sacred water, and the senzu beans. Even the power pole was given a bit of backstory. There's a lot of love of the Dragon Ball universe in this story, something I can see, even though I wrote it while drunk. I was very careful to respect the world while also making it my own. I am quite pleased with how this story turned out. I think it must be the most drunk I ever wrote a canon story in this collection, but that's cool. It made reading the second section a treat in particular, since I didn't remember pretty much any of it before the re-read for this commentary. But yeah, even though I was drunk, I can see a lot of care and skill was put into the prose. I am happy with how this one turned out. I think this story is a good example of my writing style overall, and if I had to show someone only one story of mine to give them a sense of how I write, this would definitely be one of the stories I would consider for that. Overall, I'd give Cool Cat an S-.
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Part 62 ---->