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This article, The Ballad of Dango, is property of Destructivedisk. |
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This page, The Ballad of Dango, is property of KidVegeta. |
This article, The Ballad of Dango, contains the following:
Adult Content, Graphic Language. Reader discretion is advised. |
It was a dark night and Ted 2 had just come out. All the Z Fighters were aching to go see it. Everyone was invited except for Chiaotzu. This is because he was having relationship problems with Tien (he was too proud for facials), which would have made things quite awkward for the whole group. Chiaotzu never really said much or contributed to conversation to begin with so nobody was that upset about losing him.
The midget clown grabbed a block of swiss cheese and left the house after everyone had gone. He wandered the streets alone, nibbling on the cheese and wandering aimlessly. When he came to a bridge, Chiaotzu stopped and began to hover so that he could look over the edge, like a ghost atop a chair. Staring into the dark waters below, the sickly creature caught a reflection of his face and threw a piece of cheese at it to make it disappear. But the face didn’t swirl and ripple like the rest of the water. That was when Chiaotzu realized he wasn’t looking at a reflection at all.
Indeed, there was a mime in the water. He had drowned several hours earlier, and had killed himself by throwing himself into the water. He had been deeply upset upon learning that the new class he had started at the university was not at full enrollment, as he had hoped that all the students at the school would enroll in his class to learn of his mimely ways. But alas, only two students registered for the class, and they were both weird as shit. This was when the mime determined that he had committed his life to learning a useless art, and thusly killed himself.
This was all a fitting analogue for Chiaotzu’s life, yet Chiaotzu’s journey would not end in suicide.
Looks like you ended up where you started, a voice said in Chiaotzu’s head. It was familiar, but old, rusty, like a long unused vise. I always knew you would come back to us. He knew that voice.
Spinning around, Chiaotzu looked around and around. Had Tien seen him at the time, it would have made him sad to see Chiaotzu like that. Across the bridge, on the other side of the endless streams of people moving this way and that, Chiaotzu caught a glimpse of him. The pale skin, the red cheeks, the Qing-era clothing - it was all so familiar.
There was a factory worker across the bridge from a nearby mirror factory. He was carrying a mirror across the bridge, and that shit always seriously spooked Chiaotzu out. He thought he saw a skeleton walking amongst the crowd, but that was far too spooky to think about.
So once all the people moved out of the way, Chiaotzu made his way to the other side of the bridge, where he had seen the thing. He knew it hadn’t been his reflection - he’d heard the voice too, after all. But there was no one there; the old memories had come and gone like smoke in the wind. Chiaotzu also began to sincerely regret throwing that cheese in the water, and consequently decided to retrieve it from the creek.
He walked over to the river and searched for the block of cheese, yet he found it not. Indeed, he found surprisingly little in the water. Even the mime who had offed himself in the water earlier that day was nowhere to be seen. There was something legitimately ghostly afoot here, and Chiaotzu was resolved to get to the bottom of it. After all, he really wanted that cheese - Tien only allotted him one block of cheese per month.
The air hung humid. The people made their way across the bridge, a ceaseless stampede that neither heard nor saw him jump in the river. Chiaotzu had never felt so isolated as he did then. He briefly wondered if the others were having a good time at the movie - the name of it eluded him - and wondered if Tien felt bad for leaving him behind. Probably not, though, since that dude was a triclops, and if Gorgosso was to be believed, they were shady dudes.
Chiaotzu was curious for a moment, though. He had never seen a Triclops besides Tien, which was most certainly unusual. And, when he thought about it, he had never seen another creature like himself before. Except for Dango. He missed Dango. Dango was a pretty cool guy. Dango was the type of guy who delivers a pizza to you, and he does such a damn good job that you call the Pizza delivery place and give a compliment for him. Additionally, you could never quite pinpoint his race. He definitely wasn’t hispanic, but he also definitely was not asian. White didn’t quite fit him but he wasn’t black either. It’s quite the conundrum to be frank.
Just thinking about that made Chiaotzu’s belly rumble like a lioness in heat, and he was hankering for some tenshindon. “Oh Tien, I need it bad!” he shouted at the sky, his mouth watering (as did other places). So Chiaotzu resolved then and there to swim his way back into the city. He didn’t know how he did it, springing from river to pool, but eventually, after about twenty-three years, he made his way to the urban restaurant.
The tenshindon was, as one fine patron described it, a piece of shit on a plate. Chiaotzu loved shit on a plate. The Yum cha tea was even worse, believe it or not. One restaurant-goer described it as tasting worse than raspberry-flavored vodka strung through a fat guy’s pony tail into a cauldron full of ball sweat. He would give his right testicle (if he still had it) for one of those. So the little mime-wannabe took out the meager pennies he had accrued from servicing Tien throughout the years and threw them at the cashier. “I want tenshindong!” he screamed lustily. This was highly ironic, because mimes do not oft talk.
The cashier/cook looked at Chiaotzu like he was a meth-addled freak, but money is money. This may have been because Chiaotzu was a short guy who dressed up in clown make-up, but the world will never know for sure. He cooked him up prime tenshindon while Chiaotzu prowled about the little restaurant, growling and patting his belly. The other patrons fled the scene in panic, their food running down their faces into their beards and clothes, so great was their hysteria.
When Chiaotzu’s prize was done, the little mime rushed forward and grabbed the plate. He was so ready to get some tenshindon in his belly, you don’t even know. It was his baby, his precious. He closed his eyes and lifted the plate to his lips, ready to pour the steaming hot pile of shit down his throat. It was at this moment that someone swiped the plate from him. Chiaotzu was left bewildered, powerless, awestruck, and befuddled. There standing before him was someone who Chiaotzu had never thought he would have ever seen again.
His face was pale white, old and misshapen, like melting wax or a pair of old balls. His cheeks were aglow with dark circles of blood. He wore the clothes of a more ancient time. And in his hand was the plate of Chiaotzu’s favorite food in the whole wild world.
“Give it back!” Chiaotzu screeched, as if he was being wrapped in piano strings.
The other dude just smiled and buried his face in the plate, gobbling up the precious food like it was a mountain of cocks.
“No! My baby!” Chiaotzu roared, rushing forward. His body was aglow as if he was going to blow up again. It does not take much to make Chiaotzu blow up.
“Maybe the Dango ate your baby,” the other replied with a devilish grin. He dropped the plate and aimed a punch at Chiaotzu.
“Allahu akbar!!!” yelled Chiaotzu, preparing to explode himself all over the other guy. Yet he could not find it in himself to self-destruct as he normally did. No matter how hard he tried, Chiaotzu could not adequately self-destruct. Indeed, as he clung to the back of this guy, he realized that he had forgotten when he had last allahu akbared on the back of another guy. Chiaotzu realized then that he had self-destructile dysfunction. As he considered it, he suddenly contemplated on when he had lost fought - and then, Chiaotzu realized that he had lost his edge.
THIS IS A SEPARATE PARAGRAPH OF ITS OWN
Chiaotzu was furious, and in his anger, he began to piss, which was blue and shimmering from the meth so thick in his veins. Dango began to fellate himself upon seeing this.
“What goes out must come in, Chiaotzy,” Dango warned. “You always were my best friend, even when I saw you not for so many years.”
“FUCK JEEKER MMCOCK” yelled Chiaotzu, in frustration.
“Chaozy, babe, darlin’, buddy, you must not act like this,” Dango pined. “You know why I’m here, dontcha?” He began to eat an orange creamsicle, letting it melt and flow down his fingers like tides of semen. dango, being the unchained motherfucker that he was, did not believe in the raw power of orange creamsicles, and grabbed Chiaotzu and told him to leave the premises if he wanted to continue living. “We gotta go to the Great Cock,” he explained. “That’s the whole reason King Kai put you on this planet,” Dango clicked his teeth. “We only exist to protect the Great Cock from the F***** in the Sky.”
“Is that why we look weird as shit?” Chiaotzu asked innocently.
“You are the weird motherfucker,” Dango shouted. “You’ve always looked like shit.”
Suddenly, a wild Tapion appeared! He had also been put on the planet by King Kai, and he was the sole being capable of freeing Chiaotzu from his dreadful existence. Tapion can play a flute so he will play the meat flute. They were off on their first great adventure, but first they had to take care of some unfinished business at Master Roshi’s house.
The three characters all flew to Kame island, where they found nobody except for Master Roshi and oolong. Out of frustration Chiaotzu punched Roshi in the face and knocked him the fuck out.
“Massa massa oh no!” Chiaotzu wailed.
Dango fucked Oolong right in the pighole, and thus he made some salted pork. “My favorite,” he said, licking his lips and stroking his beard like Gimli.
Oolong was frightened out of his mind and therefore he decided to join the party. He would no doubt be an invaluable addition to our lovable band of heroes.
Just then, a rabid Sonichu jumped out from behind some bushes.
“Stupid bandits, always hidin’ in the bushes!” Oolong squealed. “If I had a strip of bacon every time I saw one jump out from behind some bushes, I’d have a strip of bacon!”
They never spoke to Oolong again. He was a cannibal, but he wasn’t a bad-ass like Hannibal Lecter. That guy is cool as shit. One time, a girl came over to my house and we watched Silence of the Lambs together. I didn’t get with her though because I’m an awkward piece of shit! haha. I kept talking to her anyways, but now she thinks I’m a creep alcoholic loser lmao. Some stones are better left unturned. Mads would make a great Euron don’t you think. Like comment subscribe.
Anyways, back to the story, Sonichu replaced Oolong, but little did we know, Oolong had merely transformed in order to appear like Sonichu, It was a sneaky sneak’s sneak. But Sonichu was still there too. When they fucked it was only masturbation.
“Life’s not all sunshine and autism,” Dango explained to the others when they flew off to the Great Cock in the Sky. “Remember that, buttercup.”
And Chiaotzu felt warm inside, like when Tien would come inside.
Sonichu was dancing around like a gypsy in France. “Would you like some lemonade?” He asked the others, being very original and sexy. “No this ain’t no minute-maid!”
“Then what is it?” Chiaotzu asked. “Can I have a taste?”
“Sonichuuuuuu!” the completely original character roared, shooting electric and piss into Chiaotzu’s face. The mime hummed in delight as he tasted the nectar of the gods. What comes out must go in, Chiaotzu thought, gulping down Sonichu’s goodness. Dango’s lesson will make me a man.
“I’m a man now!” Chiaotzu said as gold liquid fell from his little clown chin.
“I’m a man,” Tapion agreed. He fondled himself leisurely.
“The F***** in the Sky is a tricky mofo,” Dango began (Tapion and Oolongchu moaned in agreement and shouted ‘Amen!’). “The only way to get him away from the holy Cock in the Sky is to give him a different cock.”
“Different cock!” they all shouted. Oolong shapeshifted into a penis. He was a giant dragon one, one that would make even Varka’s gape shrivel up in terror and cry tears of scarlet.
“It was a separate knob! Separate knob!” Jean Paul shouted in horror. “Why separate knob? Why separate knob?!”
Then Oolong became the hero, but because of what he did no one ever talked to him again. Haha, that horny pig, when will he ever learn. Back to the trough with you.
Returning to the earlier theme of lion sex, lions only have sex for like 3 seconds at a time, but they have sex like 10 times in a row. Sound like Jay Leno’s Sex life!!!!!
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Dango nodded. “Chiaotzu, you are the blood of my blood.”
“It is known, praise Orville Redenbacher,” Tapion murmured.
“You have become a man now, a proper weird-looking freak of nature, just like me.”
“Why do we look so horribly disfigured and ugly and terrible! Someone must’ve created us like this as a joke!” Chiaotzu screamed, shaking his fist at the sky. It began to rain in response, as if it was crying - but more likely, the sky was pissing on him. Chiaotzu did like getting pissed on. Getting shit on was another matter altogether, however, one to be reserved for the sequel, surely.
“Whoever designed you is fucked up!” Dragon dildolong shouted between thrusts into the F***** in the Sky.
Dango nodded. “We are terrible, and Chiaotzu, you are the worst character in this entire universe. Don’t ever forget that.”
It made Chiaotzu feel good knowing Dango had said that to him. Finally, someone loved him; it wasn’t like with Tien where it was all about the sex and the money and the booze.
Then, Dango exploded in a flash of confetti, worthy of stirring Rip Taylor. “What is this trickery!” Chiaotzu shouted, horrified.
“Dango must be the true F***** in the Sky!” Tapion shouted.
“I knew we shouldn’t have unchained him,” the pig-cock squealed. He promptly became aware of the fact that he was fucking some random dude in the sky, and not the villainous f*****. Extricating himself from said dude’s rectum, Dragon donglong blushed copiously. “I fucked the wrong guy!”
“Wrong f*****! Wrong f*****!” Jean Paul moaned in sadness.
“I guess the Cock in the Sky is screwed, “Chiaotzu responded, shrugging. “Oh well.”
The others agreed. They didn’t know nor care about the Great Cock in the Sky, and its ruin, even if that would bring about the downfall of the universe, was not their concern, as they needed to end the story already. As the story began to end, Chiaotzu reflected on the day and nearly threw up trying to understand what had happened. But there was one thing Chiaotzu had learned, aside from the realization that he was, truly, the most useless character in the entire Dragon Ball universe. Chiaotzu finally understood what it meant to be a man. He would return to Tien at once and tell him the good news. Chiaotzu only hoped that, as a reward, Tien would fire a couple Dodon Rays into him for all his success.
Awards[]
- Article of the Month - July 2015 (nominee).