This is a humorous fanfiction about Cell and Frieza going camping. They have numerous misadventures, there is much drama, and no one gets away unscathed.
Chapter 1: Outdoor Punishment Edit
"Get up! Get up! GEEEEEEET UUUUUUUUUP!" Goz screamed at the people in Hell. Every single person in Hell had woken up-- King Cold, Cooler, Raditz, Nappa, The Ginyu Force... but Cell and Frieza were the last two awake. They always were. Every night would be spent with them arguing about who is the more perfect being. No matter how many points were made, neither agreed with each other. They were mortal enemies, and would never, ever be friends. Or so was thought.
Everyone was dragged out of their prison cells and sat down to eat breakfast. It was the same as always: Chili. It seemed that was all they ever served. Crappy chili with cold and hard beans, cold sauce that wasn't even spicy, and it tasted horrible. Though in Hell conditions, no one missed a meal. That is, everyone except Cell and Frieza. They would almost never eat because of their arguments, and because they never ate, their arguments heated up more and they became grumpier. This time, the argument was the worst in months.
"Say, Frieza, I have a higher power level than you. It's a proven fact!" Cell bragged triumphantly to Frieza.
Frieza wasn't convinced. "Yes, but I don't need to absorb people to advance in forms! That's the way I'd be able to beat you-- I get stronger faster!"
Cell was not about to say Frieza was the more perfect being. "But who's stronger in the end, me or you?"
Frieza snapped. He couldn't take Cell's bragging any more. "That's it, you little-" Rather than cursing loudly at him in front of the other prisoners, he grabbed his chair and threw it at Cell. Cell punched through it, breaking it into pieces.
Everyone was shocked, as penalty for violence between prisoners had a high price to pay here.
"What do you think will happen to them?" Raditz asked.
"I'm ashamed of my son!" King Cold said.
"The perfect being doesn't listen to anything anyone else says." said Cooler.
Goz quickly came to break up the fight, but he was too late. The two were already throwing their most dangerous attacks at each other.
"Guys! Stop it! Both of you report to Dabura immediately!" Goz said.
The two didn't listen to him. Cell and Frieza kept fighting despite Goz's yelling.
Goz, helpless, called for Mez to help him out.
"What do you need?" Mez asked Goz. Goz pointed at Cell and Frieza.
"Them?!" Mez asked, dumbfounded.
"Yes." said Goz.
Cell and Frieza ignored them. "Spirit Bomb!" Cell said, charging a blue ball of energy. "Death Ball!" screamed Frieza, charging a red ball of energy. They threw the energy balls at each other, causing a massive explosion of ki energy.
After the dust cleared, Frieza and Cell were exhausted from their attacks. They were exhaling heavily, trying to recharge, and were in no shape to fight.
"Now!" Goz exclaimed. Goz and Mez grabbed the two from behind. Cell and Frieza tried to resist, but they couldn't. They were immediately taken to Dabura.
"What is it?" Dabura asked Goz and Mez.
"These two got in a heated fight. Not like the little scuffles they usually have, they had a fight to the death. That is, until we broke it up." Goz explained.
Dabura thought for a while. "I have just the punishment for them."
"What is it?!" Goz and Mez both asked.
Dabura smirked. "They will go on a camping trip together, on Earth. For a week. They are free to do whatever they want there, EXCEPT get separated or kill each other. They do any one of those, they come back here and are burned, never to come back."
Cell and Frieza looked at each other and then Dabura, horrified. Their hearts were pounding harder than the tolling of the iron bell, their eyes were wider than the grand canyon, and they were sweating more than a fat guy running a marathon.
Dabura smirked again. "But, there is a small reward if you two don't do that. If you two come back together alive, then you two will get separate cells and groups, so you two never have to see each other again."
Cell and Frieza nodded, thinking that was a good reward.
"So now, I will send you guys to Earth with camping materials. Tent, food, water, sleeping bags, everything you need. Now, you will be leaving in one hour." Dabura threw them their backpacks, fully loaded, and then they just sat down away from each other until they were transported to camp.
Chapter 2: Camp Arrival Edit
Cell and Frieza were standing at the campground, looking stupid because they had been standing for five minutes without setting up camp.
"Uh... do you think we should set up camp now?" Cell asked Frieza.
"Sure. Let's set up camp." Frieza said with an aggravated voice.
Cell found a tent in his backpack, and began to set it up. He easily pounded the stakes in with his fists and had no trouble inserting the poles. Soon, a large, green-and-purple tent was ready to sleep in. "Well, I got my tent set up."
Frieza looked for a tent in his backpack, but there wasn't one. "Cell, I think I'm missing my tent. Look around for another one in your backpack."
Cell looked around for another tent, but there was not another tent to be found. There was only one. "Nope. Not another tent."
Frieza was shocked. "But-but where am I going to sleep?!" Frieza exclaimed, worried.
Cell thought for a second. "I think this was part of Dabura's plan to have us be 'together' by making us share a tent."
Frieza fired a death beam at a rock in anger. It was blown up immediately. "That is absurd! Why would he do that?!"
Cell shrugged. "I suggest we just live with it." Cell said. "Come on, get your sleeping bag out." Cell unpacked his green sleeping bag, unrolled it, and set it inside the tent. Frieza was reluctant at first, but then he complied and set up his purple sleeping bag.
It was getting late, and the sun was going down. "I think we should build a fire." Cell suggested.
Frieza nodded in agreement. "Never thought I'd say this, Cell, but that's a great idea."
"Watch this!" Cell exclaimed. He charged up a Kamehameha wave with his hands. "Kame... hame... ha!" He fired the blue beam at the fire pit and it immediately caught on intense fire.
Frieza stood there in disbelief. "No, I was supposed to do that!" He grabbed a water bottle and poured it all over the fire, extinguishing it. "There. My turn." His finger glowed red, and then began to concentrate. "Death beam!" He fired a red beam from his finger and a fire arose from the pit.
Cell was angry at Frieza. "I already lit the fire!" He grabbed another water bottle and poured it all over the fire. They exchanged blasts, lighting the fire, and putting out the fire until they ran out of water bottles. Cell had been the last one to light the fire.
"Cell! You imbecile, now there's no more water!" Frieza screamed. "We'll need to get water from a creek!"
Cell tried to calm Frieza down. "Frieza, calm down! Dabura was lenient enough to let us have marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers, why not make s'mores?"
Frieza sighed. "All right. We can have s'mores."
Cell put two marshmallows on a stick, and Frieza followed suit. They began roasting, but Cell was getting bored of rotating his marshmallows. "Hey, Frieza, hold this." He handed Frieza his stick.
"What?" Frieza asked.
"Kamehameha!" Cell fired a Kamehameha at the marshmallows, but it didn't just hit the marshmallows. It also hit Frieza's face. The marshmallows had dissapeared from the stick, and Frieza's face was black from the burning.
"Oh, sorry, Frieza." Cell apologized.
"You idiot! You burned your marshmallows AND my face!" Frieza began charging a Death Beam, but Cell stopped him. "Don't fire! We're not supposed to kill each other, remember?!" Cell pleaded to Frieza.
Frieza stopped charging. "Fine. But if this happens again, I swear, you'll pay!" Frieza wiped his face off; the ashes had disappeared. "It's getting late." Frieza told Cell. "We should probably go to bed."
Cell scoffed. "No way! Everything fun happens at night!"
Frieza was frustrated at this point. "Look, Cell, we are not allowed to stay up past midnight at this campground. If we do, we get kicked out and burned in Hell. I suggest we go to sleep."
Cell sighed, but then complied. "Fine. We can go to bed." The two got in their tent and their sleeping bags.
"Frieza! I hope you have a terrible night and can't sleep!" Cell teased.
"I hope your night's worse than mine!" Frieza fought back.
They went to sleep. That night, Cell accidentally punched Frieza in the face when he rolled over.
"Ouch!" Frieza exclaimed. "You idiot! Stop!"
Cell tried to defend himself. "I didn't do that on purpose!"
They went back to sleep. Cell had a terrible dream about burning in Hell with Frieza, the last words he heard were "Frieza was always the more perfect being!"
Frieza had a nightmare about killing Cell and then burning by himself in Hell.
Neither of them got their quality sleep. Neither of them dared wake up.
Chapter 3: Compatibility Problem Edit
Cell and Frieza, both being used to waking up early, well, woke up early! What do you expect, for them NOT to wake up early? Well, whatever happened, they woke up early. The sun had barely risen, and no one else was awake. Not a single person.
Cell emerged from the tent, did a long stretch, and sat down. He was still half-asleep and was tired from the night before. Frieza soon got out of the tent as well. He sat down as far away from Cell as possible.
After a long time of watching the sun rise (which both of them were fascinated to see after not having seen a sunrise in such a long time), people began getting out of their tents and making breakfast. One man walked over to Cell and Frieza's campground.
"Hey, you two must be hot, being in those costumes and all." The man said to them.
Frieza looked at him, then walked right up to him and glared. "I am not in a costume!"
Cell walked up to the man as well. "I'm not in a costume either!"
The man looked at them, dumbfounded. "That's not possible." He looked at Cell. "You have to be a human. No one can be that tall and insect-like." He then looked at Frieza. "No one could have a head so large and look so much like a lizard."
The man shouldn't have done that. He incurred the wrath of both of them. They slowly began walking towards him, and Cell grabbed his shirt. "I am not a human. I am an android from the future. I am also the perfect being!"
Frieza's eyes suddenly widened. "Don't listen to him! I'm the perfect being. Also, I am not a human. I'm a... you know, my race was never given an official name. I do not know what to call myself... hm...." Frieza began thinking, while Cell kept a heavy stare on the man.
"Do you understand?!" He asked the man in a threatening voice.
The man nodded. "Y-yes, yes I do. W-well I understand you, but I'm not sure about your f-friend over there."
Cell pinned the man against the tree. "Frieza? My friend? Never. I would rather play pong than be friends with him! Do I make myself clear?!"
The man nodded in terror. "Yes, crystal clear! You two are not friends, but I still am not understanding this 'Frieza' person."
Frieza's rage grew further. "Why not?! I can prove to you right here, right now that I am not a human in a costume! Could a human in a costume do THIS?!" Frieza fired a Death Beam at another rock, blowing it to bits.
The man squirmed to try and escape Cell's grasp. "O-okay, just let me go! Please! You two are not humans, not friends, and could kill me!" The man ran back to camp, screaming.
Cell turned back to Frieza. "Well, since that's taken care of, what do we have for breakfast?"
Frieza looked in his bag. "There's... Oh my gosh..."
Cell became curious. "What?"
Frieza pulled out a box. "Coco Puffs."
Cell instantly became happy. "Yes!" No more chili. He thought to himself. After years of living on crappy chili, this feels great! Though, why would Dabura give this to us rather than chili...? Cell pondered.
Frieza looked around in his backpack for another box. "Not another box. We need to share it."
Cell looked at the box, at Frieza's bag, and then at the table. "First a tent, now a box of cereal?" Cell asked.
Frieza looked at the box. "Evidently so."
Cell remembered his question to himself. "But why would Dabura give us breakfast cereal rather than chili?" he asked Frieza.
"I don't see the reason to this. Possibly because he doesn't want to hear us complain." Frieza theorized.
Cell nodded. "That makes sense."
Frieza found an ice chest next to his bag. Among its contents were a milk jug, a bag of raw meat, some raw hot dogs, sandwich ingredients, and some places that looked empty.
"I found the milk!" Frieza exclaimed. He looked in his bag and found two bowls and two spoons. "I found bowls and spoons!" He handed a bowl and a spoon to Cell and put the milk on the table and a spoon and bowl on the table on his side. Frieza grabbed the box of Coco Puffs and poured it into his bowl. He was about to grab the milk when he saw that Cell was about to use it.
"You fool!" Frieza yelled. "Why are you pouring the milk before pouring the cereal?!"
Cell shrugged. "This is the way I liked it!" Cell proclaimed.
"But you're supposed to pour the cereal first! And I already poured my cereal, but you didn't! So I should use the milk while you pour your cereal, and then you can pour your milk!"
Cell still tried to defend himself. "Yes, but I have the milk in my hands, you don't! So I think I should use it so that we don't start a fight!"
Frieza gave a heavy glare. "You can't avoid that. You've already started a fight!" Frieza grabbed the jug of milk, and Cell kept holding on to it. The two wrestled and fought over the milk like two whiny, bratty kids. Their fight caught the attention of other people.
"What are those two doing?!" One man asked.
"Why are they fighting over a jug of milk?" A kid asked his mother.
"The weird powerful people are acting like children!" The man who confronted Cell and Frieza earlier said loudly.
Before too long, Cell and Frieza had pulled too hard on the jug and it fell over on the ground. The lid hadn't fallen off, and there was not a hole visible from the side opposite the one it landed on.
Cell picked up the jug. "I've got it!" He didn't notice the hole on the side it DID fall on.
"You fool! It's leaking!" Frieza yelled.
Cell immediately took notice. "Whoa!" He quickly found a small twig, and then stuck it in the hole to plug it. "Okay, it's plugged." Cell realized how much milk had actually leaked out. Only about 4/5 of the milk was left.
They both just looked at the jug, flabbergasted. "Darn you..." Cell and Frieza said at the same time.
Chapter 4: Going on a hike Edit
After breakfast was cleared up (And it took a long time to do THAT), Frieza decided to have some fun by going on a hike.
"Hey, Cell, I'm gonna be going on a hike. I'll see you this evening." He began walking off.
"Okay, see you." Cell was happy that he didn't have to see Frieza for a few hours. Wait a minute, didn't have to see Frieza for a few hours?! "Frieza!"
Frieza stopped in his tracks. "What is it?!"
Cell ran up to him. "Remember Dabura... and how we can't get separated?"
Frieza remained silent for a few seconds, then spoke up. "Darn it... Well, I guess you'll just have to come with me."
Cell opened up the ice chest. "I found sandwich material! You know, cheese, ham, turkey, bologna... everything we need!"
Frieza's expression didn't change. "And the bread?"
Cell found some bread in his backpack. "Okay, I've got some bread!"
The two made a few sandwiches to take with them. Surprisingly, there were no arguments. Then they looked around for water.
"Hey Frieza, there's no water in the ice chest!"
Frieza walked all the way over to the ice chest. "What?!"
Cell remembered. "It was from last night, pouring the all the water on the fire so that we could keep building it... remember?"
Frieza did a facepalm. "Darn it... where are we going to get water, Cell?!"
Cell thought for a second. "Let me think..."
Cell's eyes lit up. Well, not really, it's just an expression. Do your eyes light up when you get an idea? "We could go to the river!"
Frieza smiled. "I admit, that's a good idea!"
Cell grabbed two water bottles. "There's a river in that mountain range over there. How about we go hiking over there, since it's closer to the river?"
Frieza instantly disagreed. "No! That mountain range is too far away from us. There's a river in a closer mountain range, although the river is farther away from us. However, we'll have fresher, colder water. It's a better idea to go that way."
Cell still wasn't convinced. "Yeah, but what if we're thirsty early on and we need water?"
Frieza didn't want to hear it. "I don't care! Learn to suck it up, will you!?"
Cell decided to walk away from Frieza, and headed towards the mountain range with the closer river.
"Wait, Cell, wait up!" Frieza began running towards Cell because he remembered Dabura. "You can't leave me, we'd both be burned up!"
Cell sighed. "Okay." He began walking some more, and Frieza kept catching up. They eventually reached the river.
"Fill up your bottle, Frieza." Cell suggested. "It's gonna be a long hike."
Frieza began filling up his bottle. "All right-- hey! Wait a minute, you brought me here so that we could go hiking on this mountain range... but all right, we're here now, it would be stupid to go back."
Cell and Frieza walked some more, when they found a conversation they both enjoyed.
"So... that Android 18 girl... do you think she's hot?" Cell asked Frieza.
"Hot? That girl doesn't belong fighting villains, she should be posing on the cover of a magazine!" Frieza opinionated.
Cell nodded. "She sure does. I absorbed her because she was powerful. However, if absorption didn't make me powerful, I would have kept her hostage and made her wear a bikini."
Frieza chuckled. "Like in Star Wars?"
Cell laughed. "Yes, like in Star Wars I guess. So what about Chi-Chi?"
Frieza's smile faded. "No, she's not hot. She only has an attractive face, everything else is... meh."
Cell made a confused face. "I agree, but she doesn't have an attractive face. Okay, so Bulma?"
"She's pretty hot. She'd be hotter if she were a bit younger though."
Cell nodded in agreement again. "What about Videl?"
Frieza's expression still didn't change. "She's young and all, but I preferred her with long ponytails, not the short hair she has today. She's also a bit short."
Cell made a disgusted face. "Why would you say that? That girl is nowhere near hot! Well, how about Bulla?"
Frieza made a disgusted face. "You make me sick."
Cell laughed. "I was kidding!"
As the two continued their hike, they noticed a nice spot where they could eat their lunch.
"Okay, Frieza, we're here and we can eat lunch!" Cell pulled out his sandwich.
"Good!" Frieza pulled out his sandwich as well.
"Frieza, this sandwich tastes SO GOOD!" Cell bragged.
Frieza took a bite of his sandwich. What?! Why doesn't this sandwich taste as good as Cell's? Well, I don't know what Cell's tastes like, but this isn't anything special. "Mine doesn't..." Frieza said, depressingly. "Can I have a bite of yours?" Frieza asked Cell.
Cell pulled his away from Frieza. "No way! You have your own!"
Frieza tried moving closer to Cell. "I just want one bite! Just one!"
Cell moved away from Frieza. "No! You'll get your saliva all over it!"
Frieza tried to grab the sandwich out of Cell's hand. "Come on, just let me have some! I'll wipe my mouth!"
Cell still moved it away. "I don't know the size of the bite you're going to take!"
Frieza grabbed Cell's arm. "I'll only have a little bite! Just a little! Come on, Cell, please!"
Cell raised his arm in the air. "No means no! You can't have a bite of my sandwich!" Cell grabbed the sandwich and ate it very quickly. "Mmm... sandwich."
Frieza sat down in disbelief. "No... no... NOOOO!!!!!!!!!! It's okay, didn't want something that CELL bit in the first place." He ate his sandwich quickly as well. "Okay, Cell, let's continue."
They continued their hike, but they got a bit bored.
"Let's sing a song!" Cell suggested.
"No way! I'm a villain, I do not sing!" Frieza yelled in Cell's face.
"I'm the perfect being. I don't care if I sing or not!" Cell laughed.
"Well, I'm the perfect being, so I don't need anyone hearing me sing." Frieza said, snootily.
Cell laughed again. "Yeah, I don't feel like singing anyway. I was joking!"
"So... what do you think of Zangya?" Frieza asked Cell.
"Uglier than Hercule's face after I was finished with him!"
Frieza cringed. "She's not THAT ugly!"
The two reached the end of the trail, where they saw a beautiful view. Something unlike either had ever seen before. But that's not important to villains.
"Let's go back." Cell suggested to Frieza.
Frieza nodded. "Yes."
Since they were too lazy to walk back, they flew back. They also drank all of their water. Since Cell and Frieza got back to the campground, this chapter is officially over.