The Guacamole Boys Hit the Town

The story


It's been ten years since Abo and Kado were last seen. Where have they been through the Super series, you may ask? What crazy antics have they been up too? Why did they not attack Tarble...wait a minute...Where did Tarble go? All of these questions and more will be on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z…

Jk. The truth is they’ve been locked in Hercule’s basement for years. Why don’t they break out? Because he’s the world champ, that’s why! And no one messes with the world champ! So now you may be asking what this is building up too and why I mentioned a ten year gap when we aren’t even going to that gap. That was just to give one less of an inconsistency in Dragon Ball Super. Anyways, the real story begins before they are captured by Mark. Soon after his party.

After finally realizing that their pods broke from their own blasts when they fused, they went to ask Bulma for money, but she said no because she thought of them as lazy idiots.

“I demand a spaceship to return to my beautiful homeworld!” Abo pined majestically.

“I am Kado, the brother of Abo, and I declare that our homeworld was destroyed by Frieza years ago!” Kado said passionately.

Abo was angry about that backstabbing Kado who looked like a rotund açaí berry. “Curse you, heathen. Can’t you see I’m trying to leave this dump?”

Bulma was braiding her blue, blue hair out in public which was odd since that’s indecent exposure. “Go away, I never want to see you ugly aliens again. One time I was on Namek and I fell in love with a prince who became a frog, it was dreadful, but soooooooooo romantic!” Her face went red and she ran into Capsule Corp to take care of some business fast.

“Well my child since we can’t escape, let’s go see the sights of this world!” Kado roared awkwardly.

“Okay, I believe in you, my favorite twin brother.”

So off they walked until they came to the Mr. Satan party extravaganza where Mr. Satan was holding yet another party celebrating his wonderful accomplishments, such as beating Cell and defeating Majin Buu (but since the Dragon Balls were used to wipe everyone’s memory of Buu, no one had any idea what he was talking about when he brought up how he slew the fat pink beast, everyone just thought that Mr. Satan had gone insane and wondered when he would be put in a straightjacket).

“Hey, Abo, it’s that chimp guy, right?” the blue buffon asked his brother.

“No, Tarble’s the chimp. That guy’s the champ,” Kabo responded while pointing to the psychopath and the person next to him calling 911.

“So if the champ isn’t a chimp, then the champ isn’t a chump?” Abo asked confused

“Yea. Since the champ isn’t a chump and a chimp, it is, by my definition, that he’s not Tarble, meaning he’s a rich non-Saiyan, single, egotistical fighter,” Kabo concluded. “Which means HE can make us a ship with all his money!”

Unfortunately for the two space fellows, as soon as they started to walk up to Mr. Satan, the cops handcuffed him and threw him in their trunk (no, not the car trunk. Trunks made a type of car which looks exactly like him. And the cops thought that the champ was insane…)

“I like that guy. I like this world.” Abo puffed out his chest. “I’m going to save that crazy man with the broccoli hair!”

“No brother do not do this, I want to go to all the clubs!” Kado whined. “They have the most delicate flavors of paint thinner in their bars, I want to taste them all.”

“Uncle Bonecurd can wait,” Abo replied. “Remember that we aren’t villains anymore Kado, and my name is actually Avo now.”

“That’s bullshit!”

“No, it’s canon fact. Now I wanna save the champ.”

“There are lovely girls and so much horrible alcohol, I just want to die,” said Kado. “Life is meaningless, this is what I really call a party now.”

“Shut your butterhole,” Abo screamed. He ripped off his armor and screamed, “I’m gonna be the new champ! I’m not a bad guy anymore!” He sailed through the air blowing up a hundred buildings by accident as he chased down the police. People screamed, look at ‘em burn. Those randos don’t matter at all, who really cares when random pedestrians die? Like when Buu was turning everyone into candy, I didn’t care at all because I’ve never heard of those people before. If you think about it, that’s true in real life too. I don’t care about anyone, and everyone dies, and life’s meaningless. But the best part about it all is that that’s not true at all. I like guacamole dip, but not that much. It’s not really good enough to talk about or bother making, but people keep making it and bringing it out as dips or putting it on menus like we’re supposed to like it, but it’s just average at best, so I don’t see why they are wasting their pointless lives trying to make me like guacamole more.

“Man, lookit these fine honhons!” Kado wailed. “I wanna explore their insides!”

“Not now, Kado, we have a real caper on our hands!” So Abo shot Kado in the face and Kado went down, that G hit the ground like a bush baby in a tree swinging around a chainsaw like it’s 1969.

Ironically, Kado landed right in front of the Trunks-mobile, if you will, slamming the car to a halt instantly.

“Hey, help me random strangers!” the old champ replied as Kado threw him up in the air to Avo, who grabbed him.

“BRO! Kill him so you can be the champ!” the red demon man screamed.

Avo looked at Mr. Satan who looked at him with puppy dog eyes, making Avo throw him down.

“I just realized, you’re both demon guys! As the Vegan Champ of Justice, I must stop you!”

Kado caught the champ in mid air and tossed him back to the new champ. However, Abo hit him back to his brother, starting a ping pong fight between the two. Thanks to Mark being immortal, the match lasted three days straight. People came far and wide to see the match. Somehow, after not hitting a single building with the makeshift ball, the Vegan Champ hit him into a building, stopping Satan in his tracks.

The spectators were shocked to see that the round ended in a stalemate, but because they were stupid and wanted their millions of skyscrapers and thousands of round building things to be destroyed, they called for a second round.

Pieces of a ragdoll mankind were spread across the ground like the fingernails of giants. Hercule Satan stood on the pier like a grizzled veteran. Like blood pulled through a vein, he pierced them with his gaze. “Yer doin’ this right here? In my house?!?! Well, I ain’t the champ for nothing!”

He rushed at Abo and Kado, who were busy playing tennis for giants. But Hercule looked like a real demon, a proper son of Dabura if I ever saw one. So when Abo and Kado got a good look at him, they shrieked and fled, swearing that Mr. Satan looked like something that had crawled out of the pages of some novel.

Though they chased Xanadu, the mud angels in the deepest crevices of the ocean were coming out to play, and they attacked Abo and Kado, and the two spent up most of their energy trying to shake those Lekgolo-wannabes away with energy and burning plasma.

And when they had crawled through this sudden and most unexpected nightmare first issued by one Hercule Satan, Abo and Kado, the aliens from space, found themselves in front of a club called, ‘The Guac’. It was the most fortuitous thing that had happened to them since their mother (aka A. Toriyama) named them after the same mediocre fruit.

“Now you stop playing tennis on my court!” the demon champ howled while spitting out Mr Satan plushies(™) to send them into the demon club.

As the two were shoved into the place, Mark had sealed the door with said plushies and cackled at his heroic deed before he was carried down back to where he came by the mud angels. Or at least they tried. You see, they realized that even though in other animes mud monsters may be fearsome creatures, in Dragon Ball where demons and gods can be beaten without compelling, they stood no chance against Mark...who was one of those demons. In the end, the monsters were turned into a mud pie, which Hercule threw at the door to seal the two aliens in even more.

Meanwhile, in the club, the Vegan Champ and Kado were being attacked by giant avocado men with blue scarfs as arms and each with a golden pistol, shooting their own kind’s hearts out at them. The two were struggling to dodge their bullets until Avo took a giant chunk of an avocado man and chewed him into bits.

“VEGAN POWAAAAAAAAH!” the new champ screamed while transforming into his Vegacado form.

When he finished charging for three episodes, Avo showed his new form to everyone in the bar. His skin turned a sickly green with giant blue and brown spots spread through his body. He also became only three inches tall and grew luscious plaid hair.

Suddenly, everyone collapsed as an army of angry lil Whatleys marched in. They were all dressed as dentists, though most of them weren’t even good enough to be dental assistants. They began to probe and poke at all the unconscious patrons, doing untold dental things to everyone.

It was a wonderful, tame party. Everyone was very excited to be suddenly and without warning knocked unconscious, especially Kado. Kado has enough personality to cover for everyone in Dragon Ball Z. As Kado dreamed, he moaned out like a dog and kicked his little legs, you had to see how he kicked ‘em. And as it so happens, all of the Whatleys are pretty weak, so he killed them all in his sleep. When everyone woke up 37 hours later, they were surprised to find piles of corpses, the last of the Whatley dynasty, wiped out by a sleeping space alien who had a nightmare or something.

“I am going to be a good guy,” declared Abo.

“No, they’re calling you Avo now,” Kado reminded Abo.

“I do not want to be Avo. Avo is a terrible, ugly name and I want to be Abo!”

“You were only Abo because there is no ‘v’ sound in Japanese.”

“Then how did we get Vegeta, huh?”

“Shut up, you arctic curd!” Kado threw an energy blast at Abo, incinerating dozens of dancing people around them. Everyone screamed and the music stopped and Abo and Kado were kicked out of the club. It was really devastating for their social lives. Without the club, what were they? Neither of them knew. They had maybe 13 braincells between them.

Abo got a bright idea, a real kicker if you will: “Let’s go see Tarble, he’s still here, he’ll know what to do!”

“At one point in my life, I wanted to kill that pathetic prince!” Kado rambled on with passion. “It was not very long ago. He killed all my soldiers, but I won’t forget!”

That was when Patchjaw went, “Oh, oh, oh, I’ve been down unda, and lemme tell ya, it’s quite a ride!”

Abo stared at the creature surprised and asked, “Who are you?”

Patchjaw merely replied by putting the two into his mouth, a mouth the size of Queen Brandy’s black hole. With that, the Giant Australian Pirate Snake dug underground and ended up in Tarble’s turnip garden.

“Here ya folks are! Tarble gave me ‘is turnips in return fer ya,” Patchjaw cried out as he ate most of the turnips in the garden. Unfortunately, Gure was in the middle of that garden and was also chewed up. Tarble looked out his window and came out smiling at the two aliens.

“Hey guys! You need help right?”

However, Avo was too sad because he wanted to eat the turnips since he couldn’t finish his meal all those years ago. Meanwhile Kado tilted his head and screamed, “Don’t you care that your wife just died?!”

“It’s fine! This soil is really good for growing plants!”

Tarble kept smiling as he went to pull out one of the remaining turnips and morphed it into a human-like shape. Soon enough, after applying a little bit of ki, a new Gure was made.

“Hi! I’m Tarble’s wife, Gure! Nice to meet you!”

Kado stepped back out of fear and fused with the crying Avo out of desperation.

“YOU ARE A MONSTER!” the fused being screamed.

“Um...you’re a giant purple man with spikes on your body,” Tarble responded while shaving off the new Gure’s green vegetable head.

There were pigeons now on market square. Gure was standing in her underwear. Master Roshi’s nose was bleeding like a marsupial kingpin, and it took him only a few moments to fall over dead from his blood loss. It was a terribly wonderful event. Tarble was ecstatic to see the old Muten Turtle dead again. He definitely deserved to die after all the years he’d spent getting sand in his shell and watching old VCRs of his favorite female yoga trainers. Somehow, he became immortal a long time ago, like Mercenary Tao and Master Shen, and that shit was crazy, but Toriyama barely ever mentioned it, which I found very weird. It’s like when Garlic Jr. became immortal, even though Tori-bot had nothing to do with that. It’s especially confusing that the Mountain Bird, aka Gauche Akira, would give such a wonderful prize to random characters, and I wonder why Vegeta never wished for immortality after he came to Earth. Like during the Pink Shirt Saga, that was primetime for Vegeta to get that immortality out of the way. He was still pretty evil around that time, but I guess he was too busy taking showers to fulfill his life’s quest. Plus, he was busy trying to get inside Bulma’s various crevices, so can you really blame the guy? Coincidentally, that’s also the point at which Vegeta stopped being the coolest character in Dragon Ball Z, so you never know.

Anyways, Vegeta’s brother, the gangsta Tarble (he got that oldschool Oaktown blood, jafeel me) is the antagonist of this story, so we’ll forget about the carrot-haired princeling for now. “Yo, Aka, this is cray, brah.”

Aka grunted a mean grunt. “Sing it monster.”

“I ain’t no monster,” the prince cried. “I’m an OG playa.”

“You are definitely a retcon, Tarble,” Aka replied angrily. “There was no hint you ever existed before your TV special!”

Tarble beat his chest and did a whole line of heroin in midair. He did his best vegetable impression when he said, “Take that back, space trash!”

Aka would not let up now. He was a fusion after all. That meant he had to go all out. “Remember in the Pink Shirt Saga when Vegeta mentioned how there were only four Saiyans who survived the Genocide of the Saiyans, and he didn’t mention you?”

“He just forgot!” Tarble blushed.

“Shit Toei get your shit together! I gotta get in that club, mayne. Gotta get me some of that Patron and the goose, and man I’m deep!” Aka grunted a second mean grunt and exploded a ki wave that destroyed the garden. Patchjaw, who was messin’ about in the bush, was flung wildly towards the moon. He screamed and cried for the outback, but it was no use. He went blasting off again to the moon where Boss Rabbit, Rabbit #1, and Rabbit #2 were playing Chinese Poker with Phil Hellmuth and was never seen again except for a few more times in this story.

And so the battle to end all battles commenced. Tarble grabbed his new wife and threw her at the fusion, with Aka grabbing her and eating the vegetable soon after. Tarble responded by punching him up into the dirt into King Worm’s lair, who began to put both into a deep sleep. Thankfully, the remains of the mud angels fell down through the ground and blinded the King. The battle continued upwards, with random punches and kicks not even coming close to hit the opponent. Eventually, they ended up in the Devil’s yard once again, and destroyed it completely

“Look what you did, retconrott!” Tarble screamed, still impersonating his forgetful brother. Maybe he also hit his head as a baby. It would prove why Goku and Vegeta are best buds, after all. Anyways, the two kept fighting until Mark himself came out of his house, eating the remains of Whatleys and screamed at the top of his lungs, “Heyeyeyeyeye! What’s going on?” With that, He-Man came out of the dirt with his drill powers because of the champ’s summoning and punched Tarble into the moon, where the Boss Rabbit and his gang make their second appearance in this story. Sadly, due to Tarble’s impact on the planetoid, not only did their game get interrupted, but Boss Rabbit accidently fell on the great poker player, turning him into a moon carrot (see, it's a carrot, but on the moon. Because apparently being from the moon makes you automatically better. Like moon rocks...and moon cheese).

“Neyeyeye! Now I won the game!” Boss Rabbit explained, as it turned out after making other rabbits for so many years, the boss turned his two lackeys into carrots and nibbled on them, making them unable to become human again. How Phil got on the moon to play, no one knows. Tarble quickly played a hand in the poker game in Phil’s place, though, and beat him, making cover his face in shame and turning him into a carrot. This still isn’t his last appearance though.

Tarble finally decided to fly back down to Earth and found He-Man destroying Aka’s club which he loved so much, with the purple man being unable to stop it because of Satan’s ultimate power. Deciding to suddenly become a hero and transform into a Super Saiyan, breaking Satan’s bonds of power and making the co-author cry.

“I’m a good playa now!” Tarble screamed as he transformed He-Man into another club with his Super Saiyan powers. Aka flew up to Tarble and hugged him and was about to thank him, but realized that his squished him to death. Hugging isn’t allowed in Dragon Ball, apparently. First with Cell, then with Bojack, and now this. On the bright side though, Kid Vegeta is happy to know that Tarble still can’t fight...especially since he’s dead.

When you’re dead, you wonder why you bothered. Tarble was a lil cutie with his halo on his head, but he didn’t get even one of those balla angel wings like Goku right before Majin Buu woke up. It was a sad state of affairs. Aside from Mr. Satan, and Abo and Kado, Tarble had been one of the last people in canon to have never died. But now he gone, shit that nigga down yooooooooo.

All my peeps on the block took it real hard.

“Yo piece homie, shit I dinmeen ta do that, shiieeeeeeet yo.”

“Alright, no worries Aka,” Tarble yawned. “I guess life isn’t so different now. I have this halo over my head, but that’s about it.”

“Also, you better not die again, cuz then, uh oh Christmas Suzie,” said a man named Pepperidge Peebody’s Worth. “Blam ma’am, no thank you Sam! Haha, that was a good rhyme!” he shouted in jubilation before taking out a pistol and shooting himself in his face. It was real sad because he was just a small town girl living in a lonely world. And he took that midnight train, baby, that train Tarble just couldn’t take.

“Take me to that club, yo!” Aka roared in frustration. “I wanna swag yolo party with all my homie Gs, y’all!” he said stereotypically. “Man I wanna party and get drunk and there’s nothing like that, I’m tellin’ ya, my puse game is ridiculous!!”

“Okay Aka, settle down, this is Dragon Ball,” Tarble whispered angrily to the huge purple berry man.

“Horrible swine!” Aka shouted at his shadow. “Difficult, hideous, wretched swine!”

Meanwhile, Mark was reminiscing about his life, how he was named Mark because he wanted to be as evil as the creator of Facebook. He was so evil that he put MySpace out of relevance. Mark idolised him, to the point of making training dummies with the MySpace logo on it while having a crash test dummy version of his idol watch. This is why you don’t sent paparazzi to find info about your idols, kids.

THE END…

Not really. Double fake out. Creative, yes. Mark decided to stop having his Mark fetish and ate Tarble’s halo, bringing the prince back to life.

“Now you can take me to the club, bro, hommie slice, dog, cat mouse!” Aka’s insanity began to set in. For you see, once someone goes into the Guac bar, they become obsessed with it and never want to leave. Then, Hercule had an idea. An awful idea. The fetish devil got a wonderful, awful idea. He grabbed the purple bloat and threw him into one of his devil cages in his basement, where he wanted them to stay insane there forever...but not if Tarble had to say anything about it. Also, Boss Rabbit hasn’t appeared again, so it can’t end yet.

“Imma do the things that I wanna do!” Aka sang with the ire of a thousand Nazgul.

“I ain’t gotta thing to prove to you!” Tarble agreed. The poor prince appeared to be insatiably impressionable.

Suddenly, like water demons, the two sprung up into the air, breaking free from their cages, and the shackles of society and mortalkind. Then, they soared, up with the Pidgey and golden Ho-Oh. They flew all the way to the Guac, the best club in the city, or at least one of the ones that has at least 2 stars on Yelp (there aren’t many).

In one corner, synthetic beings sucked on vapor and oil, and all Aka could think was that Dr. Gero would be so proud. And then you have to wonder how Aka knows Dr. Gero. Did they meet a long time ago in outer space? Or did Aka come to Earth a decade back? No one knows, especially not Android 19. There are no video tapes or pictures or anything like that, and you definitely can’t find them on the internet.

Aka danced with some fine ladies in the place where everyone dances and that DJ be droppin’ some sick beats y’all. They be floatin’ from the inside, killin everything they see. Tarble very much enjoyed the party. He found a meerkat-looking man in the corner who was staring at the hotties like a lemur on LSD. It was the most fortuitous sighting of the zoo-hating crazer-brah, Dr. Fredwhalt Mercer (merci, et tu?).

“Lots of pick-ups in this one, huh?” Tarble asked, tryna act all cool now, jafeel (holla).

“Yeah… yep!” pipped the pep pep, look at him go. “But none of them compare to Beyonce for me.”

“Okay, okay, we get it, you’re not a-”

“Fricken tarsiers, man! Eeaaauuuaah! I swear, mmmmm…” he said, his beady little eyes dartin’ all about the club (holla) as he spoke. He sucked on the side of his pinky finger, as if nursing some imaginary bite from an equally imaginary tarsier. “Those little guys aren’t puffballs, I’ll tell ya! Ha! More like little devils…”

“Did someone say… Devil?!” came the roar of only one person in the whole wild world.

“The champ!” a woman cried out.

Another man in the crowd nodded. “The champ!”

“Wow, it’s the champ!” said a kid, freeballin’ like he straight outta a comic with that cliched role, jafeel me.

“The champ!” said a stern, but proud man.

“The champ!” agreed an equally plain housewife, all prettied up for a night on the town.

“Yeah, that’s me,” laughed Mark. That bitch knocked down the club wall like he could chop through 49 bricks or something. That sent the cockroaches flying into the walls and the synthenoids buzzing anxiously out onto the streets. “The devil himself,” breathed Hercule. “Come ‘n get me!”

“Shit yo, it’s about to go down!” Tarble said in awe, his mouth agape as he dropped his sippy cup.

However, the sippy cup led to Hercule’s downfall, as devil’s have a massive fear of them. It's like the devil searching out random people in and elevator for doing tiny crimes...EXCEPT IT'S REAL! Hercule distenergated into nothing but more cockroaches, as everyone partied on in the club, including the carrot Boss Rabbit, who got down from the moon the same way Phil went up.

However, the devil won in the end, as not only the club trapped everyone in there forever, but as a cockroach, he could go into his idol’s cockroach filled home and carry out his fetish for the rest of his days. Which is forever since cockroaches can’t die

THE END

No fake outs this time. Oh wait...um...ignore this part.

(Done)