User blog comment:KidVegeta/KidVegeta's reviews/@comment-1668079-20110403070256

'''I find it lulzy that you explain to us the meanings of the screamo themes to OoS. That said, I'm actually not fond of any of them. I also don't think there needs to be 3 themes for a simple special, but hey that's just a minor annoyance of mine. :P'''

Ahhh, by themes I meant they fit in well with certain parts of the story. 'A Light In a Darkened World' is the overall theme, though 'Walk With Me in Hell' is very fitting for certain parts. And the third one I was just being a muppet. It doesn't need to be there.

'''Chapter titles are boring. This is purely my opinion though, as I like to have chapter titles either reference something or be a badass quote.'''

I don't really care about this, I just use them to break up the story into sections.

'''The entire story with Serroli just plain sucks. Sorry to say, but it's like something I'd expect from ss11 or even BROLY LSS5.'''

I completely agree. 'Tis the reason I'm not going to continue OoS until I revamp ST.

'''Really, really dislike that you have Bardock and King Vegeta in this story. It doesn't make sense at all that they were around so long ago. In addition, I don't like the bit of "destiny" you are trying to make out of this, for their songs.'''

I, again, completely agree. I'm a bit of a mess at the moment, and my stories are all out of order. Again, after the stuff with Serroli's story is sorted, I'll fix this hiccup.

'''Reusing the planets Yardrat and Namek was just lame. I think it would work better to just make up some new planets. Because, I don't see how they could possibly be around (with such sentience) so many millions of years before DBZ.'''

Namek is relatively important to the plot, but it could be switched out for another planet. Yardrat, I felt gave the reader a bit more connection to the DB universe.

'''The stuff with Bardock and such not being ruthless, like Saiyans should be is meh to me. Perhaps when you create the OSS later, you'll explain it, but still without the Saiyans being ruthless and cutthroat, they just aren't Saiyans. And that leads to a huge connection issue for me (the reader) with them as being portrayed as Saiyans.'''

I see where you are coming from, and again, it needs to be sorted. I'll fix this when I sort out why they're there in the first place. My plan was to have them acting against their nature because they were working for Akuno and not following what they wanted to do. Akuno is supposed to be a little like Frieza in the sense that he works the Saiyans to the ground. Or at least, the lower class ones.

That said, I would then group this into having Bardock and Vegeta as OOC, as neither should act like they do in your story.

My plan to have their personalities changed from their experiences with Serroli back-fired...

'''I think the dialogue between Bardock/Vegeta and Serroli is lacking. The swearing also seems out of place, to be honest. And they disown him way too quickly.'''

Agreed. That part was written in a rush, and I didn't have as much time as I would have liked to sort it all out.

'''The way in which Bardock/Vegeta turn on Serroli is too abrupt. It should take place over perhaps a few chapters, not just half of one.'''

Read above.

'''A minor annoyance, but I think that Akuno and Aratame are confusing names. When I first read the story, I thought that they were the same person. Well, that could also be because this whole story is very confusing too.'''

I quite like the name Aratame. But they are indeed the same fellow, and I did plan to have a convoluted/realtively confusing story. Though perhaps it is a little too confusing.

'''And this isn't necessarily a con, but are the Saiyans and Kais on the same planet? I'm just failing to grasp how the little kai kid would be impacted by serroli telling akuno some news....'''

Okay, some of the Saiyans are on the same planet. The higher up ones like Serroli stay with Akuno, and the others live on a different planet, but this will all be explained in the story.

'''Okay, and another question... I could have sworn Akuno and Aratame were the same people. Both seem to be Kais, so are they like two parts of one person or what? Once again, this isn't a con, just a curious question as this story is super confusing.'''

They are, but while planning, I decided to give out subtle hints that they were the same, not go outright and just say it. Like I just have.

'''Final rating was hard for me to choose, but weighing this whole story, pros and cons, I had to pick the most appropriate one. I think overall, the well crafted Kai story is brought down by Serroli's story, which isn't good at all. And I think, were this only the Kai story it would have been a much stronger, and cohesive fan fiction.'''

I totally agree, and I enjoy writing Aratame's side so much more, so I focued heaps on him. Serroli's crap story was made when I little sense of what a good narrative is like, and I wrote myself into a hole where I was unsure of what I was supposed to do. I am going to rectify this though, with the ST Revamp Program.