User blog:Destructivedisk/My New Reviews

Here we go - time for a new review blog. My old one had become too cluttered, so I'm making this one so as to start fresh and clean with a new blog.

Request stories below. All suggestions welcome. I may review your story if I want to, even if you do not request it. I will, for the most part, try to focus on reviewing stories that have some semblance of decency - if your story is random drivel, I will very likely not review it.

Please also do note that I will put most of my emphasis on cons rather than pros - while I will list out some pros that I do consider significant, I will put more time into criticizing your story than into praising it. I feel like this is generally the most constructive way to critique a story.

Also note that the way I review your story will likely vary based on the quality of the story. If you have an excellent story, I will be more likely to point out small things that I have problems with, as I do want to give you some feedback even if it is small. However, if your story is absolutely terrible, I will not put effort into criticizing sentence structure or specific word choices - instead, I will focus on larger problems in your story. This way, I will be able to save myself the time of writing out 3,000 cons while you still get the majority of the problems in the story. Of course, if you want very specific criticisms, I will be happy to give them once you fix the larger problems in the story.

Grading Scale: S - excellent

A - great

B - above average

C - average

D - terrible

F- unreadable

The Brady Patrick Collection
Let's start off with a bang.

I will update this as new stories are posted.

Pros

 * Excellently written story. The writing is clear, descript, and heavy in imagery. I'd give it a strong 9/10.
 * Colorful dialogue which aptly serves its purpose
 * The scene with the boys terrorizing Krillin is a really great scene on a deeper level. It reminds me of Lord of the Flies, where a group of kids become really savage when they are left unsupervised. It's a nice commentary on human nature.
 * The plot flows very well. Like most other Brady Patrick stories, the plot is very simple, but this one is one of the more believable stories among them. There sincerely was not a single part of the story which I doubted for even a second, so it's got a strong narrative behind it.

Cons
Closing Comments: Sixth is a great story. It's well-written, well-plotted, and believable the whole way through.The only major problem here is the way that Krillin's character is portrayed; it doesn't lead up to his original appearances on Kami Island at all. It's more reminiscent of his character later in Dragon Ball and in Z. Overall, though, Sixth is definitely one of my favorite one-shots.
 * Krillin's nose cannot be broken, for he does not have one. It's not that his nose is broken, it's just that he doesn't have one. This is stated very clearly in his fight against Bacterian.
 * I would have liked an explanation for why Krillin wanted to be a martial arts practitioner in the first place. Presumably, there are other occupations in the Dragon World, so Krillin would have likely chosen a different one he was more fit for.
 * The Krillin showcased in this story is not the Krillin that shows up at Roshi's island. That Krillin is very antagonistic, malevolent, and lazy. Remember the original scenes with him training with Roshi? That's how this Krillin should have been portrayed. He is very determined and well-meaning in this story, which isn't true to his original character.

Final rating: A+

Pros

 * This is the best written story outside of Scelerat in the entire collection.
 * That was a fabulous piece of character expansion with Kid Vegeta posing for the imaginary audience. That part may alone be my single favorite sentence in the entire collection.
 * The whole story is really refreshingly subtle and it's nice how well you can deliver his anguish without being really overt about it.
 * I really love the way that this presumably fuels his rage towards Frieza and the Ginyu Force later in the story, even if it's done subtly. It gives an excellent glimpse into how he was treated and why he hated the PTO later in his life.

Cons

 * It doesn't seem right for Vegeta to refer to his own fists as small. That's a detail that he would leave out.
 * I would have liked an increased level of context on what happened beforehand and Vegeta's relationship with the Ginyu force on the whole.
 * Vegeta referring to the Ginyu Force as posers was probably the least in-character part of the story for him.
 * I don't think that Captain Ginyu would refer to himself as Vegeta's captain. He, logically, shouldn't have any dominion over Vegeta.

Closing Comments: Slaved is one of the most tragic, beautiful, and well written stories on the site. There are no major flaws in the story. There are no real problems and there is not much criticism I can offer for it. In its totality, Slaved is one of the best stories on the site, no question. It has aged amazingly well and it is one of the best examples of a one-shot on the wiki. I do not have enough kind words for a story like this.

Rating: S

Pros

 * The writing is excellent. I don't agree with all the choices in style, but the writing is descript and very detailed. There's a lot of sensory imagery, such as the descriptions of the ocean and the island, and it helps in establishing a clear tone.
 * The story is generally well paced and the characters are executed well. I liked the gradual build up to the fight scene against the alligator and all of the preceding action.
 * The dialogue is colorful and serve their purpose well in developing the characters.
 * I quite liked the incorporation of a tertiary character into the meeting of Roshi and Turtle. From a less talented author, the alligator's inclusion would have seemed just random, but you pulled it off well.
 * Perfectly believable and realistic plot. It could have been a bit more expansive, but it worked quite well as it did.

Cons
Closing comments: While this story did have a lot of small points that I didn't like much, it was still perfectly well put together. The plot was nice enough. It was ultimately just a simple short story and it was one that I enjoyed more than most. If the author were to fix most of the small errors in the story, it would be one of my favorite one-shots.
 * Right off the bat, I'm confused by the perspective of the story. It seems not to be a random omniscient narrator based on how he speaks (which is colloquial), but his later comments indicate that he is an omnicient third-person narrator. There's no point in giving a narrator a 'personality' if he's not going to be an actual character. It happens mostly in humorous literature so that alone sets off the tone of the story from the beginning.
 * I've always assumed that Kame House got its name from Turtle. Therefore, you shouldn't refer to it as Kame House when Roshi has yet to recieve its namesake. You even allude to this later in the story, near the end.
 * This would have been better if it had been from the perspective of Roshi. It would have enhanced the clarity and made for a more wholesome story.
 * "This was the supposed good life" - flows better as "This was supposedly the good life"
 * "for some reason, it made him feel empty; alone; unimportant" - likely because he was alone and unimportant
 * "his anger clearly from being awoken."  - Try something more direct like "he was angry because he had been woken up"
 * " Nor did he notice when soft scream arose" and " he heard the helpless screams again" - contradiction in writing here
 * " waving its flippers wildly as the alligator swung him again" - When did the alligator swing him the first time?
 * The fight scene drags on for too long. I would have spent less time with Roshi fighting the alligator and more time progressing the story.
 * I would edit the description of the story. It seemed to have more to do with the origin of the alligator than it had to do with Roshi meeting Turtle.

Overall rating: A

Pros

 * King Vegeta's reaction to his son being taken away is definitely realistic. The relationship between King Vegeta and his elder son is never really explored, so it's nice that you give it some mention here.
 * Good use of dialogue to progress the plot between King Vegeta and his commander.
 * A strong mood is projected onto the reader through the story. The use of imagery to describe Tarble really gives way to emotion for the reader. I could relate pretty strongly to the parts of the story between Tarble and King Vegeta.
 * The use of eyes in imagery is particularly strong. I don't know exactly why, but visualizing baby's eyes is particularly strong emotionally for me.

Cons
Closing comments: Ultimately, I did not like this story as much as the others. My two main complaints are the lack of originality in the story and the emotional ambiguity of King Vegeta. As for the first, there is little new information given about Tarble. We already knew that he was sent away, so having that reiterated as the primary plot is none too helpful. As for King Vegeta's character, his emotional progression, simply put, does not make sense. He sends Tarble away to 'save' him, but we don't know what he's saving him from exactly. It also makes very little sense for him to deal with having neglected his son by sending his son away. Again, this would be fixed if the author were to make it clear that King Vegeta knew he would be defeated by Frieza, but the author does the exact opposite. As it stands, this story, although well written and emotionally powerful, has an uninteresting plot and muddled characterization.
 * " in fact, not since he’s son’s birth" - please fix that
 * "He had run into the room, his face beaming with little Vegeta (his eldest son, who shared his name) in his arms."  - his face was beaming with little Vegeta?
 * " The little room, where his shameful son was being taken care of by a single old Saiyan woman was alien to him." - close your appositive
 * "If Vegeta had been anyone else, of any other rank, he would have killed the boy himself; if only he could have, and spared himself of the humiliation. " - why couldn't he?
 * "But it was, that for a brief moment, Vegeta felt regret over hiding his son in this way." - sentence does not make grammatical sense
 * King Vegeta feels like he has neglected Tarble, but then he sends him away... what? I don't understand how his emotional progression leads to that resolution. Considering that King Vegeta thought he was going to defeat Frieza, it seems ultimately pointless for him to send Tarble away.
 * "He regretted not the fact that Tarble would never know how he had saved him." - how did he save him?
 * " Frieza’s death would be save the prince." - fix

Overall Rating: B

Pros

 * Overall, this is one of the best written of the Brady Patrick stories. There were actually no points that struck me as poorly written or awkward, and overall the writing is some of the cleanest that KidVegeta has ever produced.
 * Probably the only good take I've ever seen on Hercule. He's one of the more interesting characters in DB and he's hardly ever used in fanon, so it's nice for him to be used here.
 * Satan's zaniness is displayed really well here. There could be more room for transitioning, but for the most part his zany, all over the place character is displayed well.
 * While it has its problems, this is one of the better examples of the first person perspective on the site. It's really difficult to pull off and the author did it pretty well here.

Cons
Closing comments: I do not have much to say about Skulk. It strikes me as a remarkably safe story, as there's nothing new in terms of content here. It's certainly an interesting experiment, as it's the first story I can recall which shows an event from the perspective of a specific character. However, my biggest problem with the story is that it's mostly just boring. There's not much new information on Satan given - there's no new depth to his character or his personality given through the first person. In the show, he is just a one-dimensional cartoon character - here, he is also a one-dimensional cartoon character. Therefore, I would suggest changing the setting, as it would give you more flexibility to work with Satan's character.
 * Satan's voice is pretty inconsistent here. He goes from using more sophisted diction, like "reverberated through my bones", to saying really simple stuff like "was hurt pretty bad".
 * Really sudden transition from Hercule's defeatist attitude to his really triumphant attitude in the first paragraph. It takes place over like a second.
 * By this point, Mr. Satan wouldn't be referring to Goku as "that Goku guy". He's known him for multiple sagas. I'm fairly sure he can refer to him by his first name without any problems.

Final rating: A+

Pros

 * The writing is pretty good overall. I'd give it an 8.5/10. There is more awkwardness than usual, though.
 * I did like the little hint you put in there that Zarbon was the one who advised Frieza to destroy Planet Vegeta, and that he did so because he disliked Vegeta so much.
 * lol at the Zarbon coming out of the closet line
 * Very well executed fight scene with Vegeta and the Frieza soldiers.
 * The plot, while simple, is still generally believable and well presented.
 * The part with Vegeta getting angry at Zarbon is really effective at explaining Vegeta's dislike of Zarbon, so it leads up really well to their later interactions in Z. That's probably the best part of the story, because it expands on both Vegeta's character and the dynamic between Vegeta and Zarbon. It's also very believable and serves the story's purpose very well.

Cons
Closing comments: Strength is probably the weakest Brady Patrick story I have read so far. It's really hampered down by the comparatively weak writing and the flimsy dialogue, which strip the story of most of its potential excitement. In fact, all in all, it may have been the most weakly written KidVegeta story I have read thus far. The story also suffers from poor characterization on Zarbon's end and some really stale emotional segments. That said, I did enjoy the second half of the story much more, with the soldiers attacking Kid Vegeta and Vegeta confronting Zarbon. If the author were to have put more time into explaining Zarbon's character and revising the writing, this could have been a much better story.
 * “Oh, I think he’s still on the assignment you sent him on.” - probably one of the weakest bits of dialogue in the BPC so far. I would consider something like "Oh, I think he's still on his assignment."
 * "Zarbon nodded, and was off." - there should not be a comma there. It's a subordinate clause.
 * The dialogue, on the whole, is not very good at all here. None of it seems realistic and most of it just does not seem like anything anyone would say.
 * The whole part with Kid Vegeta crying was written really stalely. There was no emotion projected into the writing - the whole thing felt very inauthentic and forced. Generally, with an emotional scene like that, the reader should feel something. However, I felt nothing in the scene, probably because of the lack of buildup.
 * I'm going to give a few examples of awkward sentences in the writing, so you can get a clearer idea of what I'm referring to. There's more examples than the ones below, but these are a few that stood out to me.
 * 1) ​ Vegeta was puzzled; for, he was sure he had cleared the planet.
 * 2) A small, horned creature, clad in purple armor, stood up from his bulbous hoverchair, and jumped off.
 * 3) This time, as he fell to his hands and knees again, it was in exhaustion, physical as much as mental.
 * 4) And cautious as he was acting, he noticed that no one seemed to know about the two rogues who had attacked him.  Indeed, as he met with Frieza, his bows were met with equally chivalrous pings of regret for his race, and great admiration of his ability.
 * The ending to the fight between Vegeta and the Frieza soldiers was really uninspired.
 * I would have liked a more substantial explanation of why Zarbon was trying to kill Vegeta. I get that it's because he was jealous, but it's not explained very well in the story so that gets rid of a lot of character development the story could have had.

Final rating: B-

Pros

 * Simply put, the writing is again one of the most cleanly written stories in the collection. There were no points in the story which had bad writing, so the writing is very strong.
 * The whole part with Bardock wanting the three kids to admire him was nicely written and very well written for him. It's too bad that it was abandoned almost immediately afterwards.
 * The part with Raditz wanting fatherly recognition from his father and his father completely ignoring him was a nice touch of irony.
 * Very nice ending with Raditz' internal contemplation about his own weakness and his Father's probable shame. That last paragraph was the only part of the story that stood out to me, so nice job with that.

Cons
Closing Comments: Separator has basically two plot points. Bardock is sent to a planet and Raditz knows that Bardock's his Dad, but is conflicted about whether to tell him. Both of these plot points do not make sense. First off, you specifically state that Bardock has never been sent on a similar mission before, so it's unbelievable for his one mission to be to his son's planet without any explanation. Secondly, there is no reason for Raditz to know that Bardock is his Dad. It does not feel Saiyan-like to include a picture of his father and I simply do not believe that it would happen. Therefore, this story probably has the weakest plot of any KidVegeta story I have ever read. The only strong point is Raditz' character, which is really exceptionally developed. Outside of that, there's not much powerful content to be found here.
 * " He stepped out into the rain, looking for the three Saiyan boys." - why is he looking for them? He just had a conversation with them and told them to put on their armor and all that. He's already found them.
 * Improper use of appease
 * Goku's pod didn't have information on Bardock on it, neither should Raditz'. It's really unlike Saiyan culture for their to be information on the boy's parents. You even allude to this with Bardock forgetting Raditz' name, so there's an internal contradiction in the story there.
 * The story has a very weak plot. It doesn't make any sense for Bardock to be sent to Raditz' planet randomly, and unfortunately the whole story is contingent upon that. Considering that, the whole story feels unbelievable and has a very flimsy plot.
 * No development of Bardock's character at all. You develop Raditz' character somewhat, but Bardock's character isn't progressed in any way. You do the same thing in Speedball - if you have a character-based story, it's always a good idea to develop all the canon characters you include. Bardock could have been any Saiyan and it wouldn't have made a difference story-wise, so it makes his whole inclusion feel random.

Final rating: C

Pros

 * One thing I can appreciate about the story is how you manage to include drugs in the story without making them humorous at all. Had you said, "he shot up heroin", I would have found it funny and wouldn't have been able to take the story seriously - but as it is written, the story feels very mature.
 * Some of the most clear, eloquent writing on the site.
 * Colorful, distinct dialogue which effectively develops the characters and progresses the plot
 * The plot, while very simple, is nevertheless satisfying and one of my personal favorites.

Cons
Closing comments: Speedball is a very strong fanfiction. It is, in fact, one of the single strongest stories on the site. Aside from Nam's inclusion, I felt that there were virtually no problems with the story. The writing is great, the characters are developed well, and it is altogether well made. I would say that, in both concept and execution, it is one of my favorite stories on the website.
 * Generally speaking, a bar would kick you out if you started vomiting and shooting up drugs in the corner. I imagine this would be true in the Dragon Ball Universe as well.
 * I don't understand why Nam would go to a bar to begin with.
 * Nam's inclusion felt a bit weak. As it stands, it seems like Nam was included solely so that you could say you included a lesser-written about Dragon Ball character. Basically any other character could have been used in his place and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. If you are going to include characters like that, it would be beneficial for you to develop them in some way as well.
 * I'm not sure if I can include this as a legitimate con or not, but I do not think this story struck as strong an emotional chord as some of the others in the collection. While certain parts of it were very moving, the mood was not projected onto the reader as strongly in this story as, say, Slaved.

Final rating: S

Pros

 * Put bluntly, the part with Cooler training is probably the single best piece of writing Kid Vegeta has given us since In Requiem.
 * The writing, on the whole, is excellent. I would give it a strong 9.5/10.
 * Cooler is very well developed. It's a lot of new insight into his relationship with both Frieza and his Father, and his internal yearning to become the strongest in the universe leads well to his later appearance in the Cooler movies.
 * Excellent dialogue. It's used almost to perfection, as it advances both the plot and develops the characters.
 * King Cold is very well developed here, which is excellent. The way that he deals with Cooler and Frieza like they're little kids is an interesting take on his character and it's something I'm willing to believe.
 * I probably sound like a broken record, but the characterization is probably the best so far in this story.

Cons
Closing comments: Scelerat is a very strong story. The writing is excellent, the characters are both mostly in character and developed well, and the plot is wholly believable. Honestly, when my biggest problem with a story is that the writing isn't consistently amazing, I know that a really good story has been written. The story is easily one of the highest quality of the Brady Patrick stories.
 * Sadly, the writing wanes in quality after Cooler leaves his sepulcher. It's still solid, but I'd say that, if the first part was a 10, everything after that would be an 8. There's just a serious decrease in detail and effort put into the writing.
 * I would have liked a more interesting take on how Cooler achieves his fifth transformation. The story isn't so much about how he achieves his fifth form as much as the transgressions that follow, so the description's really misleading in that regard.
 * " “Cooler? You decided to come?” his father asked in surprised, if lazy droll." - droll isn't a noun, please don't use it as such
 * Cooler doesn't strike me as the type to be excited, so everything about him holding back his excitement is out of character.
 * I imagine that, if Cold could use four transformations, he would have used some of them in his fight against Trunks. It would make more sense if Cold couldn't progress past his second form.

Final rating: S

Pros

 * Really great idea for a story. Showing one of Tao's early days as a mercenary is a great idea.
 * The early part, with Tao sneaking around, was a really well written and executed segment and I just liked it quite a lot.
 * Excellently written story. Probably some of the best writing in the entire collection.
 * A very well written fight scene. It's really descriptive and interesting to read. It really reminds me of the fights in Dragon Ball, where it's not based around energy attacks but instead upon physical martial arts.

Cons
Closing Comments: It's hard for me to articulate what I like and dislike about Serial. It's a really unique fanon in a lot of ways; the tone, on the whole, is really different from basically all the other stories that I've read. It appears to be a homage to classic Japanese martial arts movies, based on the dialogue and the fight scene provided. The writing is also excellent - the entire story is very descriptive and cleanly written. The fight scene is probably one of my favorites, as well. However, the story also suffers from a lack of a strong plot and a lack of an interesting character on Shen and Roshi's part. Roshi's character is really great, but none of that is transferred into this story - he comes off as more of an archetype than anything else, which is probably intentional. However, as it stands, I found the story to be mostly boring. The characters are bland, the plot is dull, and the dialogue is really monochromatic. While the story is well-written and unique, it also inherits a large array of problems from the movies it's trying to portray.
 * Improper use of the word " incessant". It doesn't make sense when describing a child.
 * There's a rather clear contradiction in Tao's thoughts here. He wants to become well known as an assassin - his entire point in the assassination of the cellists - but at the same time he doesn't want to become known to the police. If he's not identified by the police or anyone else, there's no way for his name to be spread around and for him to become more well known. There has to be some distribution of his identity for that to occur.
 * The dialogue is far from the best. It's not believable at all and is far too wordy, such as the line 'You may be stronger than my brother, but I have long since surpassed him!'
 * “No, it’s my duty to make those who commit evil to pay." - should read 'who commit evil pay'.
 * ' began grunting until he muscles' - fix
 * ' though the only real damage either of them was giving one another was through weariness.' is a really awkward phrase and I would really consider revising it.
 * ' And then, he heard the dreadful words he had been hoping not to:' - to, as it used here, is the key to the infinitive and cannot be used without the infinitive itself. The phrase has to be changed to ' And then, he heard the dreadful words he had been hoping not to hear:' - it's grammatically incorrect otherwise.
 * " much less it do so much damage with it" - fix
 * Overall, I would have liked to see less fighting in the story and more plot progression.

Final Rating: C+

Pros

 * Writing is slightly above average. I'd probably give it around a 5.5/10. I have some problems with the writing, which I'll expound on in the cons section.
 * I'm glad that you moved the setting to Earth, as random as it was. It made more sense there.
 * "engaging Sekai Shenron in what would be the most legendary sword fight of the century" - I got a solid laugh out of that line.

Cons
Closing comments: This story is just the same bad thing over and over again. If I could, I would write every con explaining that the entire story is just incoherent writing, but I understand that that wouldn't be helpful. In its current form, Geti Goku is a story that no human being could potentially enjoy. It has almost nothing to do with Dragon Ball, the characters are overpowered and dull, and the fight scenes are incoherent. There is no plot. It is just a string of badly executed fights and there is no plot progression. Plot points are brought up and almost immediately abandoned. There is no tension and there is no reason for me to care about any of it. As it stands, Geti Goku is one of my least favorite stories and I think that it is mostly unreadable.
 * Right off the bat, the biggest problem with the writing is tense misusage. The author constantly shifts between tenses, with sentences like ' If one looks closely enough, silhouettes of darkness can be seen distorting the fabric of space and time'. This should be "If one looked closely enough, silhouettes of darkness could be seen distorting the fabric of space and time". Also, it should be noted that all silhouettes are, by definition, of darkness.
 * A lot of the story simply does not make sense. Phrases like ' silhouettes of darkness can be seen distorting the fabric of space and time' are pretty much just gibberish, and don't do anything to progress or move along the story.
 * Slow down. Give us some context. Who is Geti Goku? What is Akoni the king of? Who are his generals? You should always start off with some form of exposition.
 * The dialogue is very badly written. " Now, hopefully I could get an actual challenge this time around… My previous loss, was a fluke. My Victory, is assured” just does not sound like something that any organism would ever say.
 * Be sure to work on placing your commas appropriately and not just placing them around randomly. Most of the commas in the story do not serve a purpose, such as "My victory, is assured". There's no reason to have a comma there.
 * The writing structure is just strange. Sentences like " Within these Makyo Stars contain the very essence of Magic, one which was attained by seeping the very essence of the void itself." are very vague and their grammar is very poor. I'm not sure if these types of errors are caused by carelessness or by a lack of knowledge of the English language, but I'm leaning toward the latter.
 * While I understand that these characters are probably explained in other pages, I should not have to read those pages to understand this story. Consider this story an independent, autonomous story. When I am watching an anime, I should not have to look on pages to fully comprehend what's going on - the same should be true here. You should always assume that the reader knows nothing of the Geti star or of who Geti Goku is.
 * By making Geti Goku immortal, you are pretty much removing any threat of him losing.
 * Keep phrases like, "Little did he know it was about to happen!" out of the stories. It's really overt fullshadowing and it's fairly unnecessary to include.
 * Very little buildup in the story. Really, the whole plot is just that Akoni wants to fight Geti Goku. You might as well just write a fight scene if that's all that's going to happen. There's no real plot here.
 * Uh, what? Why is Bulma declaring war on the Saiyans and Ice-Jins? This is not explained at all. Furthermore, Bulma is not in character at all.
 * Again - I do not understand the story. You need to include more build-up and exposition if you want people to understand your fanon.
 * Extremely muddled fight scene. No idea who is who and it's not well written enough for me to understand it clearly. One second Bulma is fighting the Saiyans and Ice-Jins, the next she is attacking the Demon realm.
 * Including new transformations like Omega Goku is very pointless and is just a case of extreme overpowering. You should at least explain how it was achieved or what it is.
 * It is worth mentioning that none of this makes any sense. While it's certainly ambitious, the author does not quite have the skill necessary to pull off a large inter-species fight scene. It ends up seeming just like a random string of actions and spellcasting.
 * This also has almost nothing to do with Dragon Ball. It seems more like a badly done League of Legends skirmish with the names of Dragon Ball characters.
 * Akoni is about as interesting as a blank, evil-leaning piece of paper.
 * Please start a new paragraph for each line of dialog.
 * I am unable to enjoy any of this because I cannot visualize it. You just list off a bunch of attacks and pretend it's a fight scene. I am not interested in hearing how Akoni fired off an interdimensional energy ball at Goku. I am interested in their internal struggles, in how the energy ball looks, in how the two's wits are matched in the fights.
 * Considering that Geti Goku is immortal and invincible, there is no tension in the story. He literally cannot die. It is completely pointless to read this considering that I already know that Akoni will fail.
 * So there is no character development here. I don't even know who Supreme buu is, much less care about how many demons he killed. Please at least write a detailed fight scene or develop the characters - you do neither.
 * Magic was never really used as an attack in Dragon Ball, so I don't understand why it's being used so extensively here. This really does not seem anything like Dragon Ball - it feels like something else with a few Dragon Ball names thrown in. Honestly, I think this might be in violation of some of the site rules.
 * So at one point you legitimately just list off a list of attacks. This does not make for good reading.
 * Akoni shouldn't be telling Geti Goku that he improved. He lost their last fight.
 * Geti Goku has trillions of clones now? What is the point of this fight exactly?
 * Including Starcraft and all these different races really just makes for a very confusing story. I can't follow the fight scene or anything, really. It was a really poor choice and you should rethink it.
 * Why am I supposed to care about any of this? It's just a bunch of random moves with no characters or anything. I am completely non-engaged in the story.
 * There are entire sections with no relation to Dragon Ball. There is no plot development, so it's hardly worth it to read them at all. They're just big fights between characters from a variety of different games and they're pointless, honestly.
 * I'm sorry, but this is unreadable. I genuinely cannot read this. It's just awful.
 * The Planet War segments are some of the poorest, most random, and most pointless segments I have ever read. You do not explain any of the characters and you do not explain anything. There is no plot. There is no content here.
 * It has gotten to the point where the characters are so overpowered that there is no chance for you to have a decent fight. Everything is just "he killed 423094823 monsters but they regenerated and then they attacked him so he summoned 43257972320 more soldiers from the realm of gobbledegook and they fused to attack the Omega motherfucker from the planet cuntflap". That was actually a lot more explanatory than most of your fight scenes.
 * So the fusion of a trillion clones should probably be strong enough to you know, do something. However, in this story, the fusion just kinda stands there and doesn't do anything.
 * The characters are so overpowered that nothing can happen in the fights. Literally, one character can blast the other into oblivion and he would just regenerate. I don't want to read about all of this knowing that none of it will yield a result.
 * Another form is introduced, known as Ultima Form. again, I don't see the relevance of it, nor am I given any weighing mechanism to compare it to other forms, so it's pretty much just another random addition.
 * Why is Bulma a general again?
 * Bulma made a Gogeta? This is stupid.
 * What is Planet War exactly? Is it a corporation? Why is there a headquarters for it? Why does it exist?
 * While I don't have any unique cons for the first part of part 3, it is exactly the same as the rest of the story.
 * Stupid Geti Dragon shit
 * If Akoni created a thousand clones, that should not compare to Geti Goku's trillion clones.
 * " warping the very fabric of existence and nonexistence in his hands." - again, meaningless nonsense
 * So Geti Goku has another state on top of his Ultima form? A Lord of Dragons state? Huh, this isn't excessive at all.
 * Geti Goku is immortal. We already know that he won't be destroyed. Don't try to trick us into thinking something is true when we know it's not.
 * They call... a truce? They call a truce? That's the conclusion to the battle? They call a truce and leave? After all this fighting, they just call a truce and leave? That's the best resolution you could come up with? Really, man?
 * And suddenly it ends. And that's it. The three-story war ends without anything having changed. I have read stories before that I thought were pointless and plotless, but this one is truly less meaningful than any of those. There is no resolution to anything. People just leave. There is no impact to any of it. People just leave. I have read three chapters of this nonsense for absolutely no reason at all.
 * So, um, are we just going to introduce Heinemba and immediately get rid of him? He had like a line of dialogue and suddenly sekai shenron showed up.
 * Sekai Shenron is ridiculously overpowered. He also does not make any sense as a character. He just comes to the universe to fight people. That's a really terrible backstory and it's uninteresting to read.
 * If Sekai Shenron was looking for the most powerful fighters, why would he go to Earth instead of directly to the Geti star?
 * "the geti star prepared the clone army in preparation" - terrible piece of writing there
 * So after you make the move to Earth, you immediately move away. There was no reason to include the Earth section at all if you're not going to give it any purpose.
 * Geti Goku says that he has never combatted a foe for so long after battling Sekai Shenron for like three lines in spite of the fact that he just fought Akoni for like 3 chapters.
 * Sekai Shenron is just as uninteresting as Akoni in terms of characterization, he's just more powerful. That does not make him more interesting to read about. His dialogue is also very stale.
 * Again, all the characters are so overpowered and boring that it makes it pointless to read about them.
 * " distorting space and time to unrecognizable shapes" - more nonsense
 * Sekai Shenron's defeat was as uninteresting as any of the other fights in the story. I also do not understand what made that battle any more exciting than his battle with Akoni.

Final Rating: F-

Jamie (SSJJ)
This will be my first time reviewing a character, so please do excuse me if it's a bit rough around the edges.

Also, I'm not going to comment on parts of the story that aren't related to his character. I would do that in a review of the Dragon Ball AF story.

Pros

 * The page is well-organized. I especially like the infobox to the side.
 * Very extensive information. While it's far from detailed, the author does talk about most part of Jamie's life.
 * Well, it's good that you gave your characters a few minor flaws. He's impatient, hot-headed, and has a fear of sharks. It's a good start toward making a balanced character.
 * Good detail put into his list of attacks.

Cons
Closing Comments: At first glance, Jamie appears to be an all right character page. He is well organized, the grammar is only slightly below average, and he's got an extensive history. However, upon closer inspection, I have a few main problems with his character. I don't think that his character is beyond redemption. I do think, however, that in its current form, this character is not compatible with a good story and is not interesting in the slightest. To fix this, the author would have to drastically alter the character, the story, and the character's role in the story. As it stands currently, I have no choice but to give this character the lowest grade possible.
 * So first off, you mention that three people have been permanently fused with Eternal Dragons, but you only give two of their names. There's a lot of clarity to be desired there.
 * While I wouldn't quite call the character a stu, I would say that he's overpowered. He's born a Super Saiyan, is fused with an Eternal Dragon, and is more powerful than Frieza without ever training. This has a negative impact on your story because it strips him of his believability while also greatly narrowing down his potential challengers.
 * " He lacks a Widow Peak like Goku and Bardock does meaning that Raditz's having a Widow's Peak is unknown." - What does Raditz' hair have to do with anything?
 * Fairly poor grammar. There's a lot of mistakes present in the writing and it makes for some really bad reading when most of the sentences have improper grammar. I can still understand what you're saying, but it's not easy some of the time.
 * His personality is really boring and is basically just a typical Saiyan. I don't see how this character can be considered anything other than a normal saiyan, outside of the fact that he's stronger.
 * "after they discovered that he was Super Saiyan" - what does that even mean? You're just making him a Super Saiyan without telling us how he became a Super Saiyan and that's really poor writing. All Super Saiyans have a "trigger", but you don't give us one for Jamie, so that once again detracts from his believability.
 * Supreme Kai just taking Jamie away is a really bad plot point, because it's not believable for Supreme Kai to do something like that. I also don't see why King Vegeta wouldn't just kill Jamie, seeing as that's what they did with Broly. Furthermore, you state that they don't want "another" disaster, but I'm not sure what the first disaster was. There's not much time left after Broly, so you need to clarify that.
 * You state that Jamie decides not to show anymore hostility after his tenth birthday, but I'm not sure why he makes that decision or how he showed hostility in the first place.
 * " Sometime in 767 he heard that the Cell Games had subsided while he was training on an isolated Planet he became an Ascended Saiyan and Ultra Saiyan (Super Saiyan 3)" - Why does he care about the Cell Games? How does he become an Ascended Saiyan? an Ultra Saiyan? These are all questions that you need to answer for us.You need to give us a legitimate reason for him to achieve these Super Saiyan forms. It would help to make his character more believable and would improve his backstory.
 * Why does he simply watch when Buu Too attacks Gotenks and Gohan? Does he know the Z Fighters at this point? Why does he feel a need to go to Earth when he finds out that Buu Too is made with the cells of many different Z Fighters? His character history and progression is really muddled here and it's hard to understand why he's making any of the choices he makes.
 * Apparently, despite not having ever apparently trained or taken on any enemies, ss2 Jamie is able to defeat Buu Too (Majin Frieza Absorbed). He is essentially the definition of overpowered.
 * He apparently has Super Saiyan 5. This is a really bad plot choice almost universally and is not something I would ever suggest to include without really extensive explanation. You, however, offer no explanation whatsoever and just say that he turns into a Super Saiyan 5.
 * In the History section, the story becomes completely incoherent. He turns into a Super Saiyan, plays around for a while, and then Buu absorbs Babidi and beats him. It doesn't really make any sense. He also threatens to grant a wish to kill everyone, which makes just as little sense.
 * Why does he have the power to regrow other people's tails?
 * Okay, so wait, he's able to revive any character ever? Logically, then, isn't he immortal, as he can just revive himself if he dies?
 * He also makes Raditz and Nappa into Super Saiyan fours. This is really stupid. If he can magically increase other people's Super Saiyan levels, why doesn't he just make himself a Super Saiyan 1214 and kill everything? His power should be basically unlimited.
 * Did he really just force Nappa to fuse with Piccolo? What the hell?
 * Why is his ability to grant Super Saiyan levels limited to Super Saiyan 4? That's a really silly arbitrary limit to place upon his powers.
 * Jamie essentially just makes everyone impossibly strong for no reason. This is a terrible plot point. Instead of having one overpowered Jamie, you have like 20 overpowered Z Fighters.
 * Why does Jamie care so much about Gotenks being strong? Why not make someone else, like Vegito or Gogeta, strong? Or, otherwise, why not make two people's bases super strong, so that when they fuse it's an incredibly strong fusion?
 * Mystic Gohan is different than Super Saiyan Gohan. You can't simply combine the two.
 * Using fusion as a plot device to defeat Buu Too is a really poor and lazy way to resolve the conflict. It'd be good if Jamie used one of his character traits to defeat Buu because that would actually be unique to his character.
 * So Jamie can copy any technique? That's a really effective way to strip all of the other characters of their own unique qualities. Considering that Jamie can learn any technique and is stronger than all of them, there's really no reason for you to ever have any other character do anything.
 * Nova gives his life to save Jamie? Who is Nova, first of all? It's also really ridiculous how all of the characters seem to admire Jamie for no real reason.
 * Why does Jamie want to make Goku a Super Saiyan 5?
 * Why won't Jamie let Goku leave the Kai Realm until he becomes a Super Saiyan 5? That's even sillier.
 * While the Fight with Eloise section has no unique cons, it still features Jamie just as overpowered as the rest of the story and features no character progression whatsoever.
 * (A Super Saiyan Supreme Kai is a really stupid idea. It's not a problem with Jamie per se, but it's still really awful)
 * I hate how, any time there's a problem, Goku and Jamie just fuse. Jamie never does anything remotely interesting. He just powers up, transforms, fuses, and uses energy attacks. He has no internal conflicts or anything, he just fights.
 * Why does Jamie bother to make an energy shield considering that the planet is going to blow up anyways? That's a really pointless plot point.
 * What? Did you just have Babidi mutate into Janemba? That's a really really really ridiculous way to have Jamie get a villain, considering that Janemba already has a backstory.
 * The entire Other World Saga is just the Janemba movie with Jamie in the place of Goku. This is a prime example of his lack of a character, as he can be interchanged with any other Saiyan without it changing anything.
 * Why would Jamkon want to become a great ape? Why not just go Super Saiyan 5 or something more powerful?
 * Lol you have Jamie revive himself. There really is no relevance at all to him dying, so there's no tension at all in the story. There's no reason to care about any of it.
 * Evil Goku is at best half as strong as Goku, so he really should be no match for Jamie. His power is really inconsistent.
 * Giving him a Green Great Ape form is one of the most random things I have ever read.
 * So near the end you bring in Super Saiyan 6. This is completely unnecessary and just shows a complete lack of originality in writing.
 * In the one special, you basically just have it to show how powerful Jamie is. There's no detail to it, you just have SS2 Jamie defeat LSS3 Broly with a finger beam. That's really boring, pointless, and I would not be interested in watching it. One thing which people have trouble understanding is that I am not interested in how powerful your character is. This is all made up, so you could make a character as powerful as you want to. This does not impress me, it only bores me.
 * Why would he prefer Super Saiyan 3 to Super Saiyan 2?
 * So you give Jamie all the Super Saiyan levels up to level 9. Not only is this really unnecessary, it's also a really boring way to resolve a conflict. If a character just levels up each time he needs to defeat an enemy, it becomes really predictable and pretty much pointless to read. It's best to stick with the first few levels and use those creatively to resolve conflicts.
 * I don't think its necessary to include a list of characters he's killed. We would see all of those if we just read the story. Same thing for his list of fights.
 * 1) He's godmodded. He is literally capable of bringing himself back from the dead. Therefore, if he dies, he is instantly able to bring himself back to life. It removes all tension from the story. To fix this, I would suggest defusing him from the Eternal Dragon, as it would get rid of his ability to grant wishes whenever he wants to.
 * 2) He's overpowered. He has an obscene number of Super Saiyan levels and it is never explained how he achieves any of them. He's stronger than all of the Z Fighters without ever seemingly training. To fix this, I would suggest removing his fanon transformations and scaling back his power.
 * 3) He's boring. He has virtually no personality and he never does anything interesting. He just fuses, transforms, and fires an energy attack. He is never clever, witty, or interesting. To fix this, I would give him a role which is atypical of Saiyans and drastically change his role in the story.

Rating: F-

Dragon Ball Z: Tenkaichi X
This will be my first time reviewing a video game, so I apologize if it's rough around the edges.

Pros

 * I like the moving text banner/graphic.
 * Pretty good writing. It's mostly average but the grammar and spelling is still proper.
 * Nice. Gameplay from Budokai Tenkaichi and graphics from Raging Blast is a big win for me.
 * I liked the bit about how you could fuse with Nail for a stat boost if you're a Namekian.
 * Survival mode is a nice addition.
 * I like the DP battle mode. Pretty cool idea.
 * Stage creator - nice.
 * Solid list of characters and stages.
 * Great job with the voice actors.

Cons
Closing comments: All in all, this is a mostly original game. The hero mode would be good, the character list is expansive, and there's a few original, cool game modes. However, outside of those things, this game feels more like a next-gen remake of BT3 than anything else. Now, BT3 is a great game, so that's fine in and of itself, but I'd prefer it if there were more game modes that hadn't been seen elsewhere in Dragon Ball games. The only two I can think of are Destruction Points and Survival mode, and those are both just variations on duel mode. There's also stage creator, which is the sole really good idea on the page. Ultimately, if you were add in some more creative games, this would be an excellent game page and one that I would be likely to buy.
 * Because the game features elements from all three series, it should probably be "Dragon Ball: Tenkaichi X" rather than "Dragon Ball Z: Tenkaichi X". Calling it Dragon Ball Z gives off the impression that it only includes characters from Dragon Ball Z.
 * I've never seen the point of an explorable map in story mode. They had one in Budokai Tenkaichi 2 and it was pretty lame.
 * How would one decide what the character in Hero Mode would say? Would they record it with a mic or select from a list of predetermined options?
 * It'd be cool if you could choose to be a human as well. It makes more sense to let someone choose to be a human than for them to choose to be a member of Frieza's race (who shall henceforth be referred to as Arcosians).
 * Fighting enemies like Spopovich and Yamu as Saiyans would get rather dull rather quickly.
 * It would make more sense for the Majin race to be going against the Saiyans rather than against the Tuffles. That's rather random, and you'd also have to create a lot more characters for the Tuffles, whereas you could just use the Saiyans otherwise.
 * Definitely need some more info on Mission 100.
 * Some of the sections, such as the online section, are really lacking in information.
 * The Battle of Gods should also be dubbed if you're going to include all those other movies.
 * You should take some time to organize the character list better than just alphabetically. Organize them by series and then by sagas, so that I can see which characters come from where in the DB chronology. This would make it a lot easier for me to process.
 * Some characters, like Zorn, Ox-King, Oolong, and the RRA commanders, have no place in the game. It'd be really difficult to come up with unique movesets for most of them.
 * There could be some more creativity put into the list of achievements. For instance, RB2 has achievements for winning certain battles with certain characters in duel mode. Also, some online achievements would be a big plus.

Final rating: B+

To Be Reviewed

 * Dragon Ball Z: Rising Moon


 * A Front


 * Days of Pain


 * Dragon Ball Z: The Lost Book


 * Tamera


 * Dragonball Z: Revenge of The Saiyans


 * Dragon Ball Z : NS


 * The Ultimate Battle in All of The Universe


 * The Dark War (TDE)


 * The Terror Of the Androids