The Destructivedisk Anthology/Like A Bitch

'Like A Bitch' was written as an alternate ending to The Forgotten. It is the only part of the Forgotten that I specifically wrote and was written more or less on a whim. It was written mostly as a parody of The Forgotten on the whole and somehow managed to be quite funny. It was born after I suggested to KidVegeta, multiple times, that he included a fight between Roshi and The Benefactor in the Forgotten. Obviously, this didn't make any sense, but whatever he made it an alternate ending anyways.

Originally, KidVegeta was going to write the alternate ending himself, but I eventually said something that made him let me do it. He basically just told me what to write and then I wrote it. It's therefore the only story I've written that was conceptualized by a different author and also my only story to be included in a different author's story.

The story was written on June 19th, 2011 while I listened to Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine, one of the world's stupidest songs. I thusly find it hilarious and fitting for the story. I wrote it one segment, if I remember correctly, while talking to KidVegeta on skype.

Like A Bitch
Like A Bitch

 The Benefactor: The tiger gallivants squares 'bout the down triangle, his snarls being really loud. He slowly sucks the juice out of the zebra, until the gorilla comes and shows him who's boss. And by my left hand I act upon this house, eating by the firelight with the upmost fortitude!

Vegeta: You monster! How could you do that? You're a really bad person! What's wrong with you? Do you kiss your mother with that mouse? Ach! If only someone way stronger and cooler than me was here to help me take this guy out!



Vegeta: Well, that was damn near worthless.

The Benefactor: And now the tiger gallivants about you, snake! Tonight the gorilla dies in hell!

Vegeta: Honestly, man, the metaphor isn't really working right here, whatever you're going for. It just comes off as nonsense.

The Benefactor:  Mommy cuts little triangles into the snake's arms! Sonny cuts little triangles into the turtle's shell in the dark room, but they all laugh at him and call the turtle the freak! But the triangles come again now, no matter what!

Vegeta: No! You monster! How could you say that?



The New Foe: I thought I heard somebody say... turtle.



Roshi: Hey! Don't all you youngsters go ignoring me like that! That's real mean! 

The Benefactor: Dude... you just killed the main character. I was, like, supposed to do that...

Roshi: True men don't kill coyotes. 

The Benefactor: That was easily the greatest combo I've ever seen, ever.  But how could you do that to Ledas, man? He's like super important to the story.

Roshi:  He might have been important before, but now he's dead... Jim.

The Benefactor: What? How do you know my true name that I've never told anybody ever besides my old pet cat Snookums?

Roshi: It's because I'm the motherfucking turtle hermit. 



Roshi:  You might want to get a doctor to look at that. 

The Benefactor:  Wild Sense!



Roshi: How? How could you do that?

The Benefactor: Using Wild Sense takes mad skillz, ya old man. Mad skillz.



The Benefactor: You’re… you’re so strong. How high is your power level, man?

Roshi: 139.4… but it rounds down. <EVERYBODY (WHICH HERE JUST MEANS TB) STARES AT ROSHI IN AWE, NOT BELIEVING THAT A MAN WITH SUCH A LOW POWER LEVEL COULD BE SO KICK-ASS>

The Benefactor: Wha- whe- wh- ousa – de – what?

Roshi: Hmph. You’ve apparently never fought against a true master of martial arts. <HE ONCE AGAIN LEAPS AT TB, BUT TB JUST WILD SENSES AWAY LIKE A BITCH. HE CONTINUES JUMPING AT HIM AND MAKING REAL WILD PUNCHES, BUT NONE OF THEM CONNECT BECAUSE OF TB’S MAD WILD SENSING SKILLZ>

Roshi: Stay still so I can shoot you. <TB, JUST FOR FUN, WILD SENSES AGAIN> Argh diddle fumps! I guess I’ll have to use my bestest attack of all time. You won’t believe this one. <ROSHI EXTENDS ONE HAND AT TB, WHO STANDS STILL> Lightning Surprise! <A BOLT OF ELECTRICTY EXTENDS FROM ROSHI’S HAND, BUT BEFORE IT CAN MAKE CONTACT TB WILD SENSES AWAY>

The Benefactor: Oh har har har! You thought that could beat me? You’re an idiot! A complete idiot! You should just go kill yourself. That’s how pathetic that was. <UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM, ROSHI’S OTHER HAND WAS EXTENDED IN THE OTHER DIRECTION, AND HE FIRES A SECOND BLAST FROM IT; THIS ONE MAKES ALMOST IMMEDIATE CONTACT, ENVELOPING TB WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE>

Roshi: Hmph. I memorized your Wild Sense pattern and therefore knew exactly where you were going to be after you wild sensed, and aimed my other hand to target that exact area… bitch.

The Benefactor: Oh goddamnit. <ROSHI CLENCHES HIS HAND DOWN, THUS CAUSING THE WOMB OF ELECTRICITY TO EXPLODE. WITH IT GOES TB’S LIFE, AS HE QUICKLY EVAPORATES WITHIN THE FIERY MESS OF STUFF>

Goku: <RUNS ONTO THE SCENE> Don’t worry guys! I’m here to save the day! Wee-hoo! <SEES ROSHI> Um, where’s TB, sensei?

Roshi: I killed the bitch. <CREDITS ROLL, DURING WHICH KILLING IN THE NAME BY RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE PLAYS THE ENTIRE TIME>

<THE END>

Endnotes
Like a Bitch is a really funny story. Parts of it are less funny than others, like the part with TB wild sensing everywhere, but for the most part I was laughing pretty hard and pretty consistently throughout the whole story. It's definitely one of my strongest comedy stories on the site and I think it's a pretty good parody of KidVegeta's writing style. I would give Like A Bitch an A rank.
 * 1) This story is the only story I have ever written entirely in script format. I, however, also wrote a chapter of Yu Yu Hakusho Z in script format and several parts of Tien: Origins in script.
 * 2) This story would not be the only contribution I would ever make to The Forgotten. I would also give KidVegeta the original name for Lascon, which was Noscal.
 * 3) The story immediately follows the fight scene between Gotenks and the Benefactor.
 * 4) The Benefactor's manner of speaking is a parody of his long, cryptic passages and many references in the actual story. He makes quite a few of those in the Reunion and Fulfillment sagas, so go check those out if you want some examples of that. However, it's intentionally incomprehensible, much like his speeches in those stories.
 * 5) <span style="color:rgb(220,20,60);line-height:21px;">"And by my left hand"  is a reference to a line in the Lord of the Rings, one of the franchises that KidVegeta references most often.
 * 6) "Tonight the gorilla dies in hell" is a reference to the movie 300, which states something like "tonight we dine in hell!"
 * 7) Vegeta's reaction to TB's speeches is basically just the same as my reaction. TB's monologue about cutting triangles into turtles or whatever is a reference to a speech in the actual story where TB cuts triangles in his closet.
 * 8) "I thought I heard somebody say... Turtle" is a reference to Tony Wonder's catchphrase in Arrested Development, "Did somebody say... Wonder?" If TB had not said turtles, though, it's unknown how long Roshi would have waited in the car.
 * 9) The line about true men not killing coyotes is a direct reference to one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers' worst songs.
 * 10) "But now, he's dead... Jim" is basically just me mocking KidVegeta for including really unnecessary references into his story. I then make a second joke out of it by having Jim turn out to be TB's real name.
 * 11) The whole Wild Sense thing was completely KidVegeta's idea. It's one of the few directions he gave me when writing the story. It's just making fun of all the noobs on Raging Blast two online mode who just wild sense the whole time and think that they're really cool and skilled for doing it.
 * 12) The "Death Ray Beam of Death" is a reference to how silly most of the Benefactor's attacks are. The little aside of 'of mysterious origins' is a reference to the terribly-explained "Dreadful Absorber", which was one of TB's attacks and the explanation for his power. It was given no explanation and was a really awful plot point, so KidVegeta has changed it since then.
 * 13) "<span style="color:rgb(220,20,60);line-height:21px;">Stay still so I can shoot you." is the name of a skill point in Ratchet and Clank.