User blog comment:KidVegeta/KidVegeta's reviews/@comment-3256091-20110102015447/@comment-3122168-20110104071153

M'kay, here's a few examples. "He had only been clean now, for a few hours." --I've brought this up before, but by adding a comma into the middle of the sentence you make it seem very, very choppy. It doesn't seem very "wholesome".

"He quickly impaled the alien with his arm, and exploded it into pink dust."--Er, exploded it? That's just weird wording.

"Even the weakling Babidi whom Buu had killed originally, now had complete control over him." Same as the first one. After the comma you have a predicate but no subject, making it an incomplete thought. This is a recurring problem, but I'm not going to point it out going forward.

Just in general, really, the story is choppy and seems to be like a combination of short sentences. This could be fixed by removing some commas or combining a few sentences, but that's up for you to decide.