The Destructivedisk Anthology/Human Forces (Dragon Ball What If...)

Human Forces was written only a few days after Why Bother?, which is strange to me because the two stories differ so greatly both in tone and in content. It was my addition to the collection of stories known as Dragon Ball What If..., a great cesspool of stories that were without exception terrible. At the time of writing it, the whole wiki was basically focusing on the collection, so I felt a need to step in and contribute. The story was given some forethought and I basically wanted to create the most random story that anyone could ever make.

The story is basically a parody of two things; what-if stories in general and bad stories that are well written. This can be seen as a throwback to my first story, Dragon Ball IP, which was terribly plotted but well written. I did basically the same thing here, but on a much larger scale.

If there's one thing to take from this story, though, it's that you need a solid explanation for things when writing a what if fanfiction. You can't just have things happen randomly. You have to have something well plotted, well planned out, and well put together. My story demonstrates what happens if you don't do those things.

The story was written on April 17th, 2011. A Front would be created roughly two weeks later and this story came shortly after Why Bother?. This would be the only time I would go near Dragon Ball What if... - the fad would end soon after and people would stop caring about it. Good riddance.

=Human Forces=

Fighting Vegeta! (part 1)
They could feel it from the moment it began happening. Chiaotzu. He was changing rapidly; within seconds his entire body had grown nearly three feet in height and a tail had extended from his coccyx. He grew hair as well, with spiky black stalactites emerging from the plain plateau which was his head. This transformation was altogether inexplicable, nor do I feel the need to delve into the reason for it, but this story is fully non-canon so it’s okay.

This, however, was but the penultimate change in his physique. That which followed it was even more spectacular in nature. Silver fur enveloped his entire body, with only his chest remaining visible. The aforementioned chest altered from its normal blank white tone to a crimson red, at the same time broadening in prominence. His new black hair extended all the way down his back, turning white as it did so. He had miraculously become a man of legend, a Super Saiyan 5.

“Ve-Vegeta, what is this? He’s totally different than before and I don’t understand why!” said the Saiyan brute Nappa, stepping back at Chiaotzu’s newfound power.

“His power level…. It’s over 900 trillion!” screamed Vegeta, who then crushed the scouter firmly in his hands. He proceeded to say, “Hahaha, little human person I think. You still stand no chance against me!”

It was then that the most epic of all fist battles ensued. Nappa and the almighty Chiaotzu clashed forces, their auras colliding with impeccable accuracy. Chiaotzu sent a kick scraping across Nappa’s face, to which Nappa returned a swift punch. Although this did not even so much as harm Chiaotzu, it still infuriated Tien to the utmost degree, who then came in and underwent a remarkable transformation himself.

It was with great agility that an M stretched across his forehead. It was pitch black in colour, nearly eclipsing Tien’s third eye in its travel against Tien’s forehead. But with this traversal came new power, that which neared the great Chiaotzu’s power level. He placed in his hand a majestic ki blast, golden in colour, and he ran over to the gigantic Nappa. With a quick move of the arm, he planted the attack on Nappa, which mutilated his face horribly and sent him flying across the battle desert.

Nappa lay dead. His body was scarred, his skin ripped off. He lay but a bloody, inanimate corpse, his bones in plain sight. His organs showed clearly, nothing but bright red fluid covering it. To a cannibal, this would have been a delightful sight, but the rest of the world found no appeal in the gravely exposed jaw and defiled eyeballs. His ribcage was entirely ajar, jutting far out into the air and with insects already squirming upon it. His heart was left as nothing but a mess of bloody chambers and parts, many of which could be found scattered across the surrounding dirt.

But enough about that nonsense. I will return to Nappa for seemingly no reason in a few a few paragraphs, but for now we must occupy ourselves with Mr. Vegeta. He was short, that he was, but in all his HZ-like stature he was powerful too. Powerful enough to win over the hearts of millions of fan boys across the galaxy. Powerful enough to triumph against foes like Guldo, Cui, and other people too. Powerful enough to destroy planets with but a single Galick Gun. He was the greatest man that ever lived.

Tien and Chiaotzu stood there confidently. Vegeta was no match for them, no match whatsoever. They both began to charge a Dodon Ray simultaneously, pointing two fingers at Vegeta. They were powerful, and they had no fear to show it. In unity, they said, “Sayonara, Saiyan.”

With a quick burst of light, the beam extended from their fingers. It raced so quickly, so very quickly, until it reached the adversary within mere moments. He, however, was aptly prepared. With a quick hop, he dodged the two beams, racing quickly over to his two opponents. He sent a fist in the direction of each of them, to which they blocked his attack. However, the unbelievable force of Vegeta’s punches sent them staggering back, mainly because no one could be as great as the epic Vegeta who is better than everybody else forever.

“Yamcha we have only one choice,” muttered Krillin, to which Yamcha stared back blankly. His hair stood erect as ever. That was important information. “We must fuse together to create Yamchillin. It is the only way to help out the other two.” Yamcha humbly obliged to such a request, at which point the two fused together to Kramcha. This name was different than what was intended for unspecified reasons. Kramcha rushed at the epic duel between the other three, fist extended through the air.

Nappa was reposed as a corpse on the desert ground. Sand blew silkily through his skeletal figures, his guts being cleansed by the beautiful air. Sun shone upon his cheekbone, gleaming playfully. If he had stood up right then and there, a blind man wouldn’t have noticed that he was dead because of his composure. Of course, a non-sight impaired man would have noticed, because his heart was torn apart and his entire skin was torn off, but that’s besides the point.

When Kramcha came into contact with Vegeta, he punched him. Following this, Majin Tien and Super Saiyan 5 Chiaotzu punched Vegeta as well. Using their combined might, they managed to topple the mighty Goliath known ironically as Vegeta. He fell to the ground and didn’t stand up until later.

Zarbon is more powerful! (part 2)
Vegeta lay on the ground, horribly injured. His face was partially seared off, his entire left arm gone. His scouter, even though he adamantly crushed it earlier, still firmly grasped onto his face. He spoke into it sotto voce, as his eyeballs slowly oozed out of his eyes in a form greatly resembling melted white chocolate. His pupils became little cherries in the white chocolate waterfall, his cornea having an aneurysm as it exited his eye sockets. His brain then slowly moved out through, until half of it was extended out of his right nostril. It was surprisingly uncomfortable for poor Vegeta.

“Frieza… Frieza, come avenge me against these humans. These… these human forces”, Vegeta said as he slowly died, his last breath immediately following the word forces. Frieza, however, laughed.

“Oh yeah, Vegeta, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do! Har har har har. No, no, in all seriousness, Dodoria can take care of it,” Frieza responded, pointing at Dodoria.

“No,” replied Dodoria.

“Well okay then. Zarbon, go take care of this threat for me.” Frieza instructed.

“No,” replied Zarbon.

“What was that, motherfucker? Was that insubordination, you pretty boy asshole? I bet you have ons too, you pathetic being. Get your lazy fuck self out of my quarters and go attack those super powerful humans, idiot,” Frieza replied, breaking his normal cold tone with a sudden spike in anger. Zarbon, who was a complete poon, silently exited the ship, soon coming to board a small escape vessel. He quietly entered it, pressing a few buttons which sent him en route to Earth.

Zarbon came to Earth within minutes somehow. This would normally not make sense but this is a non-canon story so it’s a-okay. He departed from his escape ship, coming face to face with the three warriors who triumphed against Vegeta. Goku came back but wasn’t really Goku. Zarbon then uttered a long, monotonous monologue which involved his inner beauty and strangely rhymed in couplets. He then took out a rose and swung it around joyously. He did many cartwheels.

“Argh, this guy is strong!” grunted Kramcha in frustration. “We have to go all out if we want to beat him!” So as to test his newfound power, Kramcha fired a weak ki blast at Zarbon. It collided with Zarbon’s head, which then proceeded to a splode. And so ends the epic tale of Kramcha, Majin Tien, and Super Saiyan 5 Chiaotzu.

FIN =Endnotes= Human Forces isn't the funniest story in my catalog. It's not as funny as Like A Bitch, by any means, but it's also a broader satire and criticizes a wider variety of stories. The second half is a lot more poorly written and a lot less funny, but it's still all right in and of itself. Ultimately, I don't like this story nearly as much now as I did then, probably because I no longer have the same anti-What If... spirit in me. It's probably my most meaningful and well-written comedy, so it's certainly got its place in my catalog of stories. However, I don't think I'll write another story like it any time soon. I would give Human Forces a B.
 * 1) This would be the only story I would ever write in two parts. If I had written it, the Garlic story would have been two-parted, but I never wrote it.
 * 2) The second part would later be deleted by me, mostly because I didn't like it very much. As of now, it has been restored.
 * 3) The coccyx line is a reference to Yu-Gi-Oh GX abridged, in which a common line is 'Ouch! I think I broke my coccyx!"
 * 4) "It's over 900 trillion!!" is intentionally non-funny. I've seen the joke more times than I count and it's just not funny. I included it as a reference to all the terrible stories with the joke in it andthey were all terrible and never funny, so I felt it appropriate to include him.
 * 5) The thing about Nappa's mutilated body was a reference to how much more unnecessarily graphic the stories on the site had become.
 * 6) "He was the greatest man that ever lived." is a fairly obvious reference to the song am the greatest man that ever lived by Weezer.
 * 7) Hyper Zergling really is very short. He's like 4'10'' or something really small like.
 * 8) The second Nappa paragraph is intentionally filled with redudancies, such as "reposed as a corpse", "beautiful air", "sand blew silkily", and stating that a blind man wouldn't have noticed that he was dead.
 * 9) 'sotto voce' was one of my seventh grade vocabulary words.
 * 10) Frieza calling Zarbon a pretty boy and saying that he has ons was a reference to Dragonball KC, wherein pretty boy chokon has ons.
 * 11) I have no idea why I decided to make Frieza so mean to Zarbon and so kind to Dodoria.
 * 12) Zarbon's long unwritten monologue and the ensuing cartwheels was a reference to James from Team Rocket's many monologues, wherein he rhymed in couplets and sometimes did dances and whatnot. James, like Zarbon, could be considered a 'pretty boy'.
 * 13) The part where Zarbon's head a splodes was the second time that I referenced the meme; the first time was in Yu Yu Hakusho Z.
 * 14) FIN as an ending was also used in A Sore Face, my first comedy story.