I'm a Candy Man

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The four chins of Guldo were rendered exquisitely in chocolate. He looked mighty tasty to Cui; his butterball figure and endless rolls of fat were what Cui needed in his stomach more than anything right now.

“First one to show me some killer moves wins the prize,” Captain Ginyu declared. “I want to be knocked off my feet, boys! Don’t hold back!”

Cui was not one to hold back. When he had been just a boy, he had once worn his mother’s lingerie to impress his father. Likewise, he would not hold back now. The first thing Cui did to prepare for his inevitable victory was show off his dancing skills in front of Frieza’s entire army. That had been a bad mistake. When he had begun to jerk back and forth, they had begun to laugh. When he had done his swag fish-out-of-water moves, they had started to cry with hysterics. And when Cui had tried a last ditch effort – humping the sky – it looked as if the audience was about to explode with amusement. That was no good, and it hurt him deep, just like the day he showed his father how he could dress up like mother. Cui would never live down that day, but that was okay since he was going to die soon anyways. Namek was a mere fortnight away.

So instead of spending the remainder of his life trying to do something, Cui instead resolved to learn how to dance. That would allow him to seduce female aliens to copulate with, invariably, but more pressingly, it would get him the chocolate he desired. He had not much time, for everyone else on Frieza’s ship, especially the other members of the Ginyu Force, wanted to win that Guldo statue too. Guldo was his biggest competition, he knew, for that little fat toad loved himself. Cui was sure Guldo liked to stare at himself in the mirror all day long as he stuffed his face with chili burgers. That would get Guldo heavily aroused and sometimes make him forget to breathe. Cui had walked in on Guldo doing this one time, and it had been a horrible sight. Naked Guldo looked like one of those lumpy bean bag chairs that had been in the Ginyu Force’s room since before Cui had been born.

Nonetheless, Cui wanted that chocolate. He wanted it so bad, he could taste the bile in the back of his throat, which was weird since he wasn’t a drunk. There was only one way for Cui to win Cap’n Ginyu over, and it wasn’t with money. He already tried that, but the captain had looked at him like some two-bit space hooker. That insult to Cui’s pride was most devastating. He knew he was at least a four-bit space hooker.

To win himself a good bit of space chocolate, Cui decided to embark upon a most noble and dangerous journey: he was going to venture into the lair of the dreaded Peenjus. Peenjus was a horrible six-inch tall Space Tarsier, the bane of many a biological anthropologists in his day. But he was the best dance instructor on Frieza’s ship too.

Peenjus lived in a mountain lair far in the clouds, which was difficult to get to from Frieza’s ship. When Cui entered the Space Tarsier’s room, all he saw was a rainforest in front of him and endless clouds in the distance. How such a forest had managed to grow inside a ship, much less a small room, Cui could not know. He wondered if Frieza had any idea what was going on in here. Past the door, in a little side nook, Cui saw some Space-badgers huddled around a purple-glowing grow tent with a little sign outside that said “420 days without an accident”. The smell emanating from that grow tent made Cui salivate and think of California. He knew he would have to stop back there on his way out for a nice treat. Cui liked to treat himself. Whether it was a salty snack or a sweet drink or an erotic oil massage, he was always giving himself treats. He didn’t like to go more than a few minutes without a treat, for he was great and he always needed to reward himself for that.

“This is the start of my long journey,” Cui declared. “I’m going to become a real dancer once this is over!”

Triumphantly, the alien marched off into the rainforest. It was a hot place, and sticky too, and as soon as he entered the tree line, he stepped in a puddle of something that reminded him of the summer of 2011. At once, a howl akin to that of a dingo eating a baby, arose from beneath Cui’s weirdly-colored boots (which didn’t match the rest of his outfit at all). Cui jumped back.

“Who’s there?”

“How dare you step on Master Peenjus!” came a squeak.

And then, like a flash of lightning, a little brown turd shot up from the ground and landed on Cui’s hand. He screamed when he saw it. It was an ugly son of a space female dog, with wide eyes, long fingers and toes, fur covering its body, and a mouth full of banana razors. Before Cui could say a word, Master Peenjus latched onto his index finger and bit down hard.

“Oahahahaoahwaahaha! screamed Cui. “Get off!” He shook his hand, but the dreaded Space Tarsier hung on, like a barbed-wire condom.

The Space Tarsier didn’t listen. He had huge ears, like a Lombax’s, but for some reason, he didn’t want to use them. Cui contemplated blasting his foe away, or taking a bite out of those ears. They sure looked juicy. But he had to stop himself. If he killed the great Master Peenjus, he’d never get that chocolate Guldo, and right now, that mattered more than losing a finger.

“Please, Master Peenjus, I have come for a dancing lesson! I’m not here for any trouble!”

The Space Tarsier looked up at him. Each one of his eyes was much bigger than his brain, which explained a lot. They narrowed and got all beady and Cui was horrified that he was going to lose his finger. Then, the Space Tarsier snapped his jaws shut and jumped back.

Once again, Cui screamed like a female of pre-pubescent age. His glove was staining red where Peenjus had torn a chunk out of his index finger near the first knuckle – yet, his finger remained at least.

“You wanna learn how to dance?” spoke a voice that sounded like a Space Chipmunk on Space LSD. “Why?”

“I’m going to win the Ginyu Force candy prize.”

Peenjus licked his lips. Cui’s blood must’ve tasted good, because he started to purr. “That’s a serious prize Ginyu’s offering. Maybe I should win it for myself…”

“No, come on! It’s way too big. It’ll take you years to eat.”

“Hm… in that case, maybe you’re right. I developed space hemorrhoids because a Space-badger three weeks ago, and I don’t have very long to live. Very well, purple alien with horns coming out of your head that look like two prolapsed anuses. I’ll teach you how to dance. But you must promise that you will use my teachings well, that you will dance with the spirit of a thousand Space Tarsiers, and that you will honor my style above all others.”

Cui didn’t listen to a word Peenjus said. “Chocolate!” he yelled lustily.

Cui found Cap’n Ginyu and Kuriza in a closet, where he was expecting to find Zarbon instead. Inside, Kuriza stood perched on Cap’n Ginyu’s shoulder like a parrot, his arms up in a ferocious martial arts pose. Ginyu was posing too, though his pose was more lax. He was wearing his armor and was laughing. Kuriza, on the other hand, was wearing a nice black-silk dress with bra and panties; his face was decorated with makeup as well. As soon as Cui came in, he jumped back and shrieked, not expecting to find those two in there (he was of course looking for the glory hole at the back of the closet).

“Get out!” Captain Ginyu yelled with dismay. “This is a private lesson!”

Kuriza turned to face Cui, wide-eyed and with a sheepish look on his face. “I’m a fancy boy!” he bellowed innocently.

“Captain Ginyu…” Cui began. “I’m here to win that prize you offered!”

“Not now, Cui!” Ginyu’s voice was strained. “Can’t you see I’m busy? I’m not a sailor, I’m a captain for Frieza’s sake!”

Kuriza slapped Ginyu across the face with his tail. Cui saw glitter spray across the good captain’s forehead. “Never take the name of our lord and sailor, papa Frieza, in vain!”

“S-sorry… kid. I forget he was your dad.”

“Fine papa! Big papa! Beauty papa! Papa loves me! Papa reads me bedtime stories and his lips are saltier than Ginyu’s! ” Kurzia began to dance, swinging his hips back and forth. He looked like a tiny dancer, akin to one that would be placed on the dashboard of a space ship. The sight of it made Cui feel like Kuriza was in him.

“Cui!” Ginyu roared. “I’m not asking you again.”

“I’m hungry!” This was Cui’s time to take a stand, in the closet. “I want that chocolate noooow!”

“Ack… you’re so pushy.” Ginyu stepped out of the closet, pushing Cui aside, and shook his head. Kuriza stood perched delicately on the captain’s shoulder, looking very much like his father. “Fine. Follow me!”

Cap’n Ginyu took Cui to the altar of Guldo, which stood near the center of the ship in a small room of its own. He called in the rest of the Ginyu Force, and began to pace in front of them as he recounted Cui’s ambitions to them. Kuriza sat in a corner, picking his ear, not paying attention.

“Captain Ginyu, no fair! I want my chocolate!” Guldo protested. He spoke as if he had wet napkins stuck in his mouth after getting his wisdom teeth removed. Cui knew that was just because Guldo was a porker amongst porkers.

“Yeah I want candy!” Recoome said stupidly. Cui thought that Recoome would look better with a pirate smile, with a couple of those pearly whites ripped from his gums.

“I’m the fastest warrior in the universe!” Burter boasted helpfully. “Gotta go faster, faster. I’m the blue blur! I’m too fast for you hahahahaha!” As he began to laugh, Burter keeled over and started coughing. No one moved in to help him. Cui knew this was because Burter had recently become a cigar smoker, and he was doing this to himself. He would make Bill Burr proud (Burter was, of course, an animal), but probably no one else. It was pretty weird that Burter thought that highly of ol’ Billy Red Tits, so Cui didn’t know what to make of that.

“Haha, once Burter’s said he’s gettin’ the candy, ain’t no one out there gonna beat him!” Jeice smiled, before punching the sky randomly. “Rip in piece, mate, haha!”

“Now now, Jeice,” Captain Ginyu said. “I said whoever dances the best will win the chocolate Guldo. No one has danced for me yet.

“I’m ready! I want to win this today,” Cui said.

“Yeah, you already said that,” Ginyu responded, narrowing his eyes. “Alright soldiers. I want one of you to beat him. It would be a big disgrace if we lost the chocolate delight!”

“Aye, aye, cap’n!” the Ginyu Force shouted in unison. All of them saluted him and then struck awkward poses.

Up first was Guldo. He tried to do a running spin onto stage, but he tripped and fell. As he began to roll like a log, tears, fresh and hot as a New York hot dog, came leaking out of his face. He crashed into the far wall unceremoniously and stayed there unmoving, breathing heavily.

“Well done, Guldo, five points!” Ginyu roared.

“Hey, if that’s worth five points, I’m definitely getting ten!” Cui declared. “My moves are straight outta the rainforest!”

Kuriza was lounging behind them in his sexy attire, eating a bowl of space crabs. He laughed carelessly at all of the proceedings going on in front of him.

Recoome was up next. He turned on a pop instrumental and then ran onto stage. There, he wiggled his butt and did that stupid grin of his and almost blew apart the ship with a ki explosion to finish things off when Captain Ginyu shot forward and knocked him out with a single kick to Recoome’s tree-trunk neck. The huge man dropped just like Guldo, fast asleep.

“Three points to Recoome!” Ginyu shouted. “That was horrific!”

Up next was Jeice. Jeice, as we all know, is the only guy who Vegeta legitimately killed out of all of Ginyu’s lackeys. He also has a name that reminds me of Krillin. So suffice to say, when he came onto stage, there were no high hopes for him. Jeice proceeded to flick a button on the wall, and a strobe light descended into the room. “Yeah, let’s get it on!” Jeice smiled. He whipped his hair back and forth and then began to dance like a spaz as disco music blared. “Shake it, shake it, yeah, yeah, baby yeah!” Jeice grunted as he went. He did flips and spins and his long white hair was a blur as it danced about the room. Cui was in tears. He thought that it was beautiful, and he knew he had no chance of beating Jeice’s routine.

“Two points,” yawned Ginyu after it was over. “As the not really great Rivers Cuomo once said, disco sucks!”

Jeice began to cry, but Ginyu kicked him off the stage before he could complain. Jeice landed in a bloody crater in the far wall before falling off of it, unconscious. Kuriza cheered that, throwing live crabs everywhere in celebration. Cui shot all the ones that got too close to him, for the last thing he wanted was crabs.

Next came the character who is a ripoff of Sonic the Hedgehog, which is quite fitting since Sonic is himself a ripoff of Goku. So Burter decided to dazzle the remaining crowd (which was only Ginyu, Cui, and Kuriza), and then turned on some rap metal music to go with his dance routine. He danced about the room, sometimes in a blur, sometimes completely invisible, because he was moving about so fast. It was breathtaking to watch, Cui thought.

“One point to Burter!”

“Aw, Cap’n, that’s the worst one yet!” the Blue Hurricane complained.

“Shut your mouth you snake-looking fairy. If you would slow down for one second so I could get a good look at your moves, maybe I would be able to give you a better grade!”

“But Cap’n, I’m the fastest in the universe, I can’t help it!”

“He’s a traitor!” Kuriza shrieked. Then, he raised his hand, his face emotionless, and pointed his thumb to the side. After a moment, he lowered his thumb to point down at the floor. “No one says they’re faster than my papa! Papa Frieza’s the fastest daddy in the universe. Trust me, I know! Wonderful papa! Magisterial papa!”

Burter’s eyes bulged out of his head because Captain Ginyu slammed his fists down on top of them. The warrior dropped unconscious, just like his three comrades.

“Well done everyone. Guldo is leading with five points,” Captain Ginyu said cheerfully. “Now it’s time for the guy who couldn’t even get on the Ginyu Force to show us what he can do!”

Cui gulped and stepped forward. “You aren’t going to knock me out after this is over, right?”

“My name is a pun on milk,” Ginyu said. “How would you like to taste some jalapeño milk?”

“I would like nothing less in the world.”

“Good, now show me your dance.”

Cui nodded and clicked on his own tape. It was some nice latin rock. “This one’s also for John!” he bellowed and then began his dance.

Cui put his hands at his side and got as straight as he could (which was hard with Kuriza in the room). Then, he began to bounce up and down, over and over and over and over again. He did nothing else for the entirety of the song. He just jumped up and down, and he never jumped very high. Once he was done, he did a bow, caught his breath, and shouted:

“That one’s the pogo stick! It’s the secret move of Master Peenjus.”

“Six points,” Ginyu said. “I hated it.”

“Then why did you give me six?”

“Did you see anyone else dance?” Ginyu raised his fist at Cui. “Don’t make me regret that!”

“Okay, okay! Just don’t hit me!” Ginyu grunted and slapped his knee. “Now I want my prize,” Cui said. His mouth was salivating, anticipating the sweet, bitter taste of that succulent cocoa Guldo. He couldn’t wait to dig into those four chins. The plumpness of them was making his tongue restless.

“Not yet, buddy,” Ginyu grinned. “We’ve got one more dancer.”

“Secret dancer?! Who?! Who is the secret dancer?”

“I am,” Kuriza stood up. “Weren’t you expecting this?” He did a little twirl. “Captain Ginyu has been teaching me how to dance for weeks! He’s been my special tutor.”

“Oh, no!” Cui knew what this meant. His treat was slipping from his grasp.

Kuriza took stage, did a little curtsy in his dress, and then flicked on his music. What came on could only be described as something akin to death metal, though with more (really really great) guttural screaming. At once, Kuriza swerved his hips, ducked his head, and began to spin it back and forth, as if he was trying to do that thing where death metal musicians spin their hair about. This was all well and good, but Kuriza is bald, on account of him being an Arcosian. So instead of him managing to look all cool and mature, he just looked like a little bald kid having a convulsion.

When it was over, Cui’s ears were still ringing. He was sure death metal was the worst genre of music now, even worse than country, but more on that in Cui’s next adventure. Ginyu jumped up, did a guttural growl of his own, which sent douche chills down Cui’s spine, and then embraced Kuriza. He began to spin the kid around by his hands until he slipped over Recoome’s body and flung the Arcosian child into the center of the room. Kuriza slammed into the altar of Guldo hard, causing the chocolate statue to fall off and land in his lap.

“10 points, 10 points, 10 points!” Ginyu was singing, prancing about the room, perhaps unaware of what he had just done. “He’s the best dancer I’ve ever raised. When he gets older, he’ll join the Ginyu Force for sure. He has way more swag than those other pretenders. Yip yip!.”

“You’re just biased,” Cui accused the captain. “You taught him how to dance, so you think he’s the best.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“But his dancing was awful.”

Both Kuriza and Ginyu let out gasps of shock. “I’m telling papa you said that,” Kuriza threatened. “Papa Frieza’ll wipe that smile right off your stupid face for saying that!”

“Yeah, go see him wearing those clothes. I’m sure he’ll listen to you,” Cui yelled back, his face growing hot with anger. “That’s my candy!”

“No, it’s mine,” protested Kuriza.

“Don’t do anything stupid, or I’ll blast you all the way to Cameroon!” Ginyu shouted.

But Cui wasn’t listening. He was too hungry. He wanted the chocolate too much. His tongue had already dreamt about feeling those fat folds in Guldo’s chins. “Let go of my prize!” Cui shouted as he ran forward.

Kuriza jumped up and drew the candy statue back, holding it under his arm. “You’re making a big mistake, alien!” Kuriza shouted in horror as Cui charged him down. Behind, Ginyu chased after Cui, trying to run down the warrior before he could get to Kuriza, but Cui knew he was too far away.

Just before Cui hit Kuriza, something incredible happened. In the blink of four eyes, the head of chocolate Guldo disappeared. Cui stopped in confusion, and Ginyu rammed into him unexpectedly, sending them both to the ground. Kuriza noticed the head was gone and began to cry. “My special prize!” he sobbed. “Why me?!”

“I should fry you for that,” Cui said between his teeth.

“Why’d you take his candy?” Ginyu asked, annoyed.

“It wasn’t me. I didn’t even get to him yet.”

Ginyu stood up and surveyed the room. “Hm… that’s strange. Bizarre, even. Who could have done this?” he asked no one and everyone. His four men were down for the count, and Cui was certainly not fast enough to steal the candy like that. Ginyu himself wouldn’t be able to either. It had just vanished – just like that.

Kuriza was inconsolable, sobbing in a corner like a meth addict who had just lost his wife under a fallen ATM machine. Ginyu went over to console him, and soon, the two had left the room, leaving just Cui and the four underlings of the Ginyu Force. Cui looked around with his eagle eyes, and quickly noticed that Guldo was sleeping, sitting up against the wall. He remembered that Guldo had fallen and rolled into the wall – he had never been sitting up like that. As Cui approached the fat little beast, he noticed there were dark smears on his face. That meant he was either a Brazilian porn star, or he’d eaten his own head. The rumors were true, Cui knew. Guldo did love himself; Cui just never thought he loved himself that much.

He grabbed Guldo by the scruff of the chins and picked him up. At first Guldo tried to pretend he was unconscious. That caused Cui to squeeze his chins harder. Suddenly, Guldo’s four eyes popped open and he let out a little squeal. “I know what you did,” Cui whispered.

“N-no you don’t…” Guldo wheezed.

“Go get me some of that chocolate or I’ll tell Captain Ginyu.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“You underestimate my love of chocolate.”

O-okay…” Guldo coughed. “L-let… me… go…”

Cui dropped him.

“You have crazy eyes for those cocoa beans man,” Guldo told him as he massaged his chins.

“I know. It’s my favorite.” He loved chocolate almost as much as he loved the closet glory hole. “Now get going.”

“Gi-give me a moment… to catch my breath,” Guldo complained.

Cui shook his head. “We’re not playing games, fatty.” So he picked Guldo up, like a rotund man-child, and punted him out the door, down the hall where Ginyu and Kuriza went.

Cui stepped back, put his hands on his hips, and surveyed the room. He had been the best dancer, he knew. He had done Master Peenjus proud. None of these fools had matched him in the slightest. It was a shame that Peenjus was going to die pretty soon from the hemorrhoids, but at least he had been able to pass on one last bit of knowledge to Cui: the pogo stick dance. Cui knew Peenjus would live on inside him for years to come (haha, he didn’t know about Namek).

He licked his lips and thought about the chocolate he would be eating later that night. He wanted to melt it with his ki and then drape himself in it. He wanted to wear nothing but chocolate all over himself. That made him feel light-headed. He looked down and felt a tightening in his smallclothes. Maybe, just maybe, he would be the one giving Zarbon a treat tonight when he presented his chocolate-covered lil Cui in the glory hole. That made Cui feel good, thinking about how, for once, he would be giving someone else a treat. Cui chuckled to himself and knew this day had been good to him.