User blog comment:KidVegeta/KidVegeta's reviews/@comment-1668079-20110406042312

The entire story with Serroli just plain sucks. Sorry to say, but it's like something I'd expect from ss11 or even BROLY LSS5.

Really, really dislike that you have Bardock and King Vegeta in this story. It doesn't make sense at all that they were around so long ago. In addition, I don't like the bit of "destiny" you are trying to make out of this, for their songs.

Reusing the planets Yardrat and Namek was just lame. I think it would work better to just make up some new planets. Because, I don't see how they could possibly be around (with such sentience) so many millions of years before DBZ.

The stuff with Bardock and such not being ruthless, like Saiyans should be is meh to me. Perhaps when you create the OSS later, you'll explain it, but still without the Saiyans being ruthless and cutthroat, they just aren't Saiyans. And that leads to a huge connection issue for me (the reader) with them as being portrayed as Saiyans.

That said, I would then group this into having Bardock and Vegeta as OOC, as neither should act like they do in your story.

I think the dialogue between Bardock/Vegeta and Serroli is lacking. The swearing also seems out of place, to be honest. And they disown him way too quickly.

The way in which Bardock/Vegeta turn on Serroli is too abrupt. It should take place over perhaps a few chapters, not just half of one.

^^Hopefully I've fixed those.